


Sub Rosa

by kayura_sanada



Series: Fanfiction.Net Archive [8]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Bad Poetry, Bad Writing, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gundam Family, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Meddling Friends, Past Chang Wufei/Treize Khushrenada - Freeform, Past Heero Yuy/Chang Wufei, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Friends and Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-24 21:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 280,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14962709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayura_sanada/pseuds/kayura_sanada
Summary: After the war, Duo finds out that he isn't who he thought he was and searches for himself. In his search, Duo meets an enemy he can't defeat alone. Will he have to?Originally posted on ffnet from 09/16/06 to 10/29/10.





	1. Disturbed Saga

The war ended.

That doesn't seem to be much to you, does it? But it was everything to me. The war ended. And... so did I.

So what was left for me? I started a business with Hilde. I delivered things... anything, anywhere. Anything from a love note... to information lost on stranded ships that were destroyed in the war. Anything. Hilde stayed back and worked at our place. I did the travel. She accused me of being chauvinist and macho, but seriously... some of the work we did was dangerous. I didn't let her get involved in those, and the out-jobs... just became mine.

I kept in touch with the guys. Trowa still hung out at the circus... and consequently had a certain blond teenager frequently visiting him. Poor Quatre. He was hopelessly in love with Trowa, and Trowa just didn't seem to notice. But Trowa was growing out of himself, thanks to Quatre and Catherine. The woman might be an overbearing, overprotective psycho, but she was wonderful for Trowa. They were practically brother and sister.

Anyway, I kept in touch with the guys. Or at least... Quatre and sometimes Trowa. I hadn't seen Wufei since that fiasco with Maremaia... and Heero...

Well, I did my best to avoid him.

Why? Oh, come on. I love the guy. No shit. But... it hurt, you know? He contacted me a few times to give Relena presents. It's obvious that the guy's nuts about her. The fact that I am the deliveryman for Heero's love-gifts to the Queen of the World...

So I avoided him. Stuffed that pain down into the box with the rest of my shit.

So anyway. I was a deliveryman who kept in basic touch with his gang. I keep in touch with Quatre most of all. He and I... we got close during the war, despite our vast differences. He became a member of my gang, just like I had always envisioned all us pilots could become. I thought of us all as a new gang... I envisioned me as Solo, bringing all the little rats together.

Yeah... that's how it happened.

It was bullshit. I should have seen that. I didn't. I was naïve. Stupid. The pilots thought of me as a nuisance. A fool. A "baka." God... that one hurt the most. Heero, whose respect I yearned for... thought I was an idiot. He never understood that there was so much more to me. More... demons than an idiot can see and maintain his idiocy.

But Quatre, at least, joined with me. He and I talked about... hell, so many things back then. He was the only one. Trowa... Trowa was cool. He and I never got close, but... he was always steady, always calm and just... there. Dependable Trowa. Trowa would take our backs without question... but it was all fairly technical. You help one another out... but only as war buddies. Never as a true pack. Everyone stood by everyone... Trowa was like... well, he was a loner, even when in a group. Sometimes I wonder how Quatre fell for him. The two were so different.

Anyway... I was leaving the circus. I went with Quatre because he didn't want to go completely alone... he was far too important to be wandering around unaccompanied, even if he was going to a circus that held in it an ex-Gundam pilot. But, of course, once it was over, Quatre went over to talk to Trowa, and I knew that the two of them alone together could potentially get that one step closer. Quatre was definitely in love with Trowa, and Trowa at least watched Quatre as a good friend. Maybe they could get a little closer...

Hey, somebody should be happy. My love was definitely unrequited. Heero Yuy would never fall for a baka, now would he? Hell, the way he always acted towards me... even from the start...

And why the hell was I thinking about all this? Well, I'll tell you: it was night, and I was alone. Quiet. Worse, it was either a full moon or close to it. For some reason, I'm always disgustingly introspective when there's a large moon out. I guess it could be the screaming man. The first time I saw the moon from on Earth, I was captivated. The moon truly does look like a graveyard from the perspective of someone in the colonies. You can't see the screaming man because everything looks... dead. But down on earth, there's a life to it. An agonizing life, if the man's wide eyes and mouth were any indication, but life nonetheless... and it was a life that I could relate to. Poor guy.

Anyway... walking. Yeah. I didn't have anywhere to go, really. My ship was out at the dock, and that was what I was staying in as I delivered my packages. Man, I really stretched my hours. I don't have a really strict schedule, but I still have a schedule. And man, did it cost a horrendous amount of gas to be flying off everywhere. But whenever Quatre was around or needed me... hell, sometimes I just found myself flying off to see Quatre every once in a while. Sometimes I came to Trowa's circus and hung out... in secret, yeah, but I was there. Just to see him. I wished I dared do that with Heero, but... well, let's just say that never really panned out. Besides, I doubted that I would get a warm welcome.

As for Wufei... the bastard disappeared. He just seemed to disappear off the face of the planet. Like the white rabbit in __Alice in Wonderland.__ The guy just kept running into the storyline, only to fucking disappear again in the next second.

But man, I wanted his respect too. Wufei is... he's incredible. He's strong, and graceful. He had real reasons to fight. He had... morals, when all I had... was vengeance in my heart and the desire to save kids from turning out like me.

 _ _But who did you save?__ a voice in my head whispered, and left me shivering.

Lately... lately, I've had that voice showing up more and more often. I'm not insane... that voice was me. I was starting to really think about the war when before all I did was live through every day and try not to think about it too hard. That part of me that was beginning to awaken... and it hurt, too. Damn it, but there were things I didn't want to see. Things I didn't want to admit.

Too much thinking has never really been all that beneficial for me.

So I aimed my feet towards the port and determinedly changed my thoughts. I calculated lost time, necessary course changes and maintenance repairs that were needed for the company's ship, "Faulkner". Who's Faulkner? Well, I looked him up – Hilde was the one who named the ship, after all. She said my names were too morbid. Anyway, Faulkner wrote a lot of stories. Hilde like __The Sound and the Fury,__ but my personal favorite was __As I Lay Dying__. I especially liked Addie Bundren's line - "I could just remember how my father used to say that the reason for living was to get ready to stay dead a long time." Isn't that just freakin' hilarious? For some reason, Hilde didn't think so. She can be such a romanticist.

Anyway... God. I finally seriously thought about what I was doing and almost laughed. I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I? I hide from everyone, and here I am, continuing to hide. I'm running back to Faulkner and I'm hiding in there. From Quatre? Sure. Trowa? Definitely. Myself?

... Yeah. Myself as well.

The night was a little cold. Why did the colonies have cold seasons? I mean, who likes them? It was so cold I could see my breath. That was a little much. Man, I hate the cold. Have hated it since I was a kid. It was always there – L2 certainly wasn't a rich colony – far from it. More often than not, it was cold. The heating was too expensive. And we rats ended up hiding in abandoned buildings, where the ground was freezing and the air was frost on your skin. We learned to sleep in that cold, even as it tried to steal feeling from your extremities. We would huddle together to try to maintain warmth.

I shuddered in remembrance.

The sidewalk had streetlamps periodically dotting the night, like little spotlights. There was no one out – not like L2. Night was when the colony of L2 had come alive. Hookers sold their wares and an abundance of people, men and women both, came to see just what was being offered. Drug dealers crawled out to sell their own items. Bums came skulking around searching for food or a quieter place to sleep. This place was respectable. Most people were probably heading for bed, for God's sake.

I wondered if anyone saw me as a traveled alone through the spotlights on the ground. What were they thinking? Did they wonder why I was alone? Did they think of me as some sort of evil stalker, or was I a gang member? A juvenile. I almost laughed at that; if they only knew.

I thought about Quatre then. Was he making his way off of the circus grounds alone? Was he cold? Maybe I should go back. Maybe I should...

_Who's truly feeling alone right now?_

Damn that evil little voice. I didn't need a psychologist in my head.

I managed to continue going and made it back to the port without any more insightful speculations from the demon-imp in my mind. Unfortunately, I also found myself falling asleep – keeping myself from thinking when I'm in this mood usually means thinking about something insanely innocuous like sheep or listing the countries that are merging... and those who are arguing with the unification. Some countries are obsessed with sinning. Like Israel and Pakistan. Those two countries have only been fighting for, what? At least 2500 years. Good God.

Anyway, I managed to get into the Faulkner and locked up before passing out on my bed. I could only pray that things looked up soon.

  


* * *

  


You know what, prayers are a complete waste of time and God just fucking hates me.

Of course getting gas for my trip would take an extra three hours because Lord forbid they have enough for little ol' me. That's right – they needed to transport gas in... they hadn't done it for some reason. What the hell? Then I had to get my course calculations okayed _again_ because of the delay. The officials in Space Travel got just pissed enough to wait to okay me for another three hours... even though I posted it as a delay, which is _supposed_ to be okayed within the hour. Bastards. So it was the afternoon before I got my baby up in the launching bay... where I waited for my launch ramp to be available for a half hour. Hilde was going to kill me.

Then it was the traditional heavy metal music as I launched and I was finally in space again. I had two days to kill until I got to the first colony, where two packages were waiting to be delivered. One was to the Preventors – a little note that I had to leave, something that I had found on my little travels that would help them out immensely – and another to a client who had wanted some rare scrap metal for his oh-so-important sculpture (somehow the guy even got money for the things. Go figure). The Preventors drop-off would be second and really, really discreet. I always sent the stuff straight to Commander Une (creepy lady) and demanded complete anonymity... because _he_ worked there.

As for my heavy metal music... some of it is from the war. More of it is from afterwards, when I needed a reason to continue... when I needed something to help get me pissed off. Shinigami all the way there – get angry... just get the work done. It doesn't matter how, just as long as you get it accomplished.

It scared me sometimes... the fact that I couldn't completely let go of Shinigami. I had created him a long time ago. I had needed him back then. But now... now I don't need him. Yet here he is; he shows himself to me all the time. He grins sometimes... that old grin that grabbed my lips whenever I fought in Deathscythe.

And sometimes I'll catch myself smiling and I'll wonder just what the hell I'm smiling at. That's when that little devil-voice will come back, whispering these things, making me start seeing things I didn't want to see.

I had burned my priest's outfit after the war ended. That's right. Bye-bye revenge, hello new life. Right? Wrong. I went back to that battlefield... but it was over now... wasn't it? Wasn't my battle over? I wasn't with the Preventors, and I certainly wasn't in a battle. It was all over... it had ended.

Had I ended with it?

It's these thoughts I deliberately drown the fuck out on board ship. Enter Hoobastank on my speakers then, singing about being out of control. That's what I wanted – to scream out my pain and frustration through a song-

-And then I hear that imp again. __Your friends... you are the one who goes to them... you are the one who fears being alone again. Who has come to you?__

Perceptive little prick.

I killed the gravity and glided through the hall to the galley. There was really nothing there to eat, and Lord knows I couldn't paint too well.

Paint? Yes, paint. No spacer goes out for weeks at a time with the walls gray. It's made some men insane. So my galley is a light blue with clouds everywhere, like you're floating in the sky. Even the floor is painted, which is extremely odd. But I liked it; the earth's sky was beautiful. People always say that the skies on the colonies are very similar to the sky on Earth, but they're wrong. Earth's sky is so much... fuller, more vast. Clearer. It had an honesty to it that the colonies just couldn't copy. I tried to capture that, but it was hard. Honesty can never be shown in a painting, because the painting itself was a copy, and therefore unoriginal.

My mind was slipping into philosophy – a dangerous pastime even in the best of circumstances. I never had a lot of food in the galley... I never cared enough, but I sometimes had others on the ship and Hilde gave me a hard time whenever I tried to just grab some supplement bars, so I had some "real food" on board. I killed some time getting those and preparing them. It was a little more difficult to prepare foods in space, and even more difficult in zero gravity. I killed enough time to switch my mind from philosophy to something akin to depression.

That damn imp was getting more persistent each day. There were things I didn't want to see, things that I wanted to continue hiding from. It messed with my sleep sometimes.

I grabbed a bulb of juice and sat to think. That imp was a part of me. I was hiding from myself, wasn't I? I was hiding from something as stupid as thoughts I didn't want to acknowledge. Well, Duo Maxwell never ran from things forever. No way. I was too damn strong to accept this.

I deliberately ate all of my food, knowing I might not be able to eat after I started listening to what that little fucker had to say. I sipped at my bulb afterwards and closed my eyes, leaving the view of a sky and just floating in my own little abyss of nothingness.

Okay, stupid imp. What the hell do you want?

_You are alone._

Okay, I'll admit that my first reaction to that was 'no shit?' But I knew what I was trying to tell myself. That I was alone. Just like I was after the Maxwell Church burned down... there may be people around me... but I was alone. Why did that scare me so bad?

Because I had never been alone before that time after the Maxwell Church Massacre. Okay. That's something I may not like to admit – that I desperately wanted to be around people because I desperately _didn't_ want to be alone. All right. But Quatre and I were friends. He and I talked to each other all the time. Same with Hilde. I was still close with her, and Trowa...

_You stay with them for fear of being completely alone._

... That one took a few minutes to accept. That I... made a point of being around them because... I needed to be near a gang. I needed that gang that I had tried to form. I needed it so desperately that I did everything in my power to not only create it but only to keep it. Was it for myself? Was I seeing Quatre just because I wanted to be surrounded by people that I could... trust? Just what had I been looking for all these years? What had I been doing?

_You want desperately to be with these people who could be brothers, but you are alone. You are not even with yourself, because you do not exist yet._

I opened my eyes in fear. Just what all had I been hiding from myself?

_Can you exist? Beyond your mask and beyond Shinigami, who are you? You are no one. You are nothing. You are a jester and a killer and nothing more._

I wanted to argue. I wanted to... but I couldn't. Because beyond the smiles and the laughter and the heavy metal music... I didn't have any idea who I was.

Was this what I had wanted to show myself all this time? Was this what I had been trying to tell myself since the war ended? How much had I hidden? For how long?

Dear Lord... who the hell was I?

I left that room feeling more vulnerable than I ever had in my life. I sat there in my cockpit and stared out into space and for the first time wondered if that was how I looked on the inside.

* * *

  


I successfully delivered what I considered my last two packages. I had made a monumental decision: I would leave everyone. I would bounce into space and I would... find myself out in the place that was as empty as I was. And I would find myself. Somehow. Until then... I had to be on my own. Alone... completely. No more hanging onto Hilde and Quatre and trying so very desperately to create what couldn't be created. No more leaning. I couldn't do that to them. Besides, if we were a gang... I would have to be able to stand on my own. A cripple is of no use to a gang.

So I delivered the crap-artist his junk and successfully sneaked in my secret little package to the Preventors. It was when I was leaving that I got hit with a shock. A couple of late workers were leaving the building. Heero was talking animatedly with someone... Wufei. I felt my heart stop, skid, and stop again. I think I breathed heavily. I know I froze. I know I only breathed again when they left in their respective cars and drove away. I know a part of me tore... I wanted to go say hi. I wanted to keep my job here a secret. I wanted Heero...

Well. I now knew where Wufei was. He had joined Preventors and, more likely than not, had joined up with Heero. And, by the looks of things, the two had gotten close. As they had never gotten close to me.

God... I needed to get out of here.

So I left. I turned and I left and I cinched my plan. I called Quatre from the Faulkner and waited for him to answer. He finally did, an adviser behind him. I almost hung up. "Duo?"

"Hey, Qat." I deliberately kept my voice serious. Quatre, ever in tune with the emotions of others, knew immediately that something was wrong. He dismissed his adviser immediately.

"Duo? What's wrong?"

"Quatre, I..." How to say that I had just realized that I don't exist? "I... I can't come see you... for a while."

"Duo?" Quatre looked really concerned. He, I realized painfully, was a true friend. And the only one out of the four that was.

"I'm sorry, Quatre. I just realized that... during this time... I need a chance to find... who I am now." There. I said it, out loud and everything.

"Oh, Duo..." And just like that, Quatre seemed to understand. "I'll help you any way I can."

"That's just it, Qat," I confessed. "I've been hiding behind you..." God it sucked to admit that. "I need to get out there... on my own. I'm going to leave the business, Qat... I'm depending too much on you guys."

"Duo, you don't ask me for anything." Qat seemed to be heading back towards that confusion.

"Nothing physical," I countered, "but..." Now this was something I  _ _couldn't__  admit. "Qat, just know that I need to get out there... on my own." To exemplify how alone I've always been, and how it tore at me to just now notice. "It's something I have to do."

"But Duo... just yesterday..."

"I know." I flinched with Quatre as I realized just how harsh that sounded. "I know and I'm sorry, but..."

"I... I don't think I understand, but..." Quatre nodded. "Will I see you again?"

"Yeah!" I was quick to reassure. "I'll keep in touch, but... it won't be as... often as... usual." What was usual? I felt as if my world was flipping over itself. I felt lost. I felt... very, very alone. I think... a part of me had always felt this way. "Oh! And Qat?"

"Yes, Duo?" I think I hurt Quatre with my proclamation. I think he thought I wanted to get away from him.

"Hey, Qat, this isn't you, I swear it. It's me." Quatre's surprised look told me I hit his fears on the head. "And I wanted to tell you that Wufei's joined the Preventors."

"Really?" Quatre's eyes began to shine again. "That's wonderful! It would be perfect for him! I should give him a call..."

"Just don't tell him I told you," I warned. Quatre knew I sometimes went over to the Preventors HQ, though he thought it was to see Heero. Yeah... that's it. But maybe... a part of me did. That masochistic part of me that wanted to see him, to be with him...

The part of me that stupidly kept __wanting.__

"All right. But Duo, you should call him, too."

"I'm separating myself, remember?" And Lord only knew what Wufei would do if I dared speak to him. I was too lowly a person for him. I guess... he and I were too different. I... didn't want to be. Of course, I didn't know who I even __was__ , let alone who I wanted to be. But that was beside the point.

"Duo..."

I freaked out a little bit then, okay? I had a feeling Quatre was going to say something either way too close to the truth or something that would hurt me even more than I was already hurting right now. "Sorry, Quatre, but I gotta go. I __will__ keep in touch, okay?" And I signed the hell off before he could even respond.

All right, I'll admit that that was an extremely cowardly thing to do. But I couldn't help the sigh of relief or the feeling of hopeless abandonment that washed over me. Seriously, who else would I tell that I was going to go off alone? There was Quatre, then Hilde, then... no one. No one else really seemed to care all that much.

Yeah, happy little Duo Maxwell wasn't all he was cracked up to be, was he?

I went into the bedroom – dead black walls with random poems etched on them in bright red paint – and plopped face-first onto the red comforter. I needed a nap.

* * *

  


I told Hilde the same line I gave Quatre when I returned... she didn't react the same way he did. Surprise.

"You're __leaving!__ " she cried out, aghast. "Why?"

"I told you," I said, my voice soft and apologetic. I was hurting her, too. Was it selfish to need to find myself when the two people who cared about me liked the false friend that they had? "I have to find myself, Hilde. I have to find myself, out there. Alone."

"But why!" she demanded. "I'm right here... with you. Why do you want to leave?" Hilde's eyes started to tear up.

"Oh, God, Hilde, don't cry," I pleaded.

"Duo, you are you. Why do you have to leave?"

"Because... that's just it, Hilde. Who am I? I don't know. I need to find myself... the me that survived the war, and is no longer the soldier."

She came forward and cupped my cheeks. "Duo, you are a brave man with so much... right here. You are the same person you were then. You-"

"I didn't know who I was then, either. I just never had the chance to find out." I looked into her eyes, trying to make her see what I was saying. "Hilde... you are my friend. You have watched me during these months. When have I seen who I am? When have I shown a personality? I am the same thing no matter what; the same person in every situation. I don't want that. I want more. I want... I want to find who I am, and I want to be that man."

Hilde opened her mouth to argue, but I pressed a finger to her lips. "Thank about it, Hilde. You know that what I say is true."

Those tears in her eyes shimmered, growing. But she did think about what I said. She got a small glimmer of understanding in her eyes. "You don't have to leave to find yourself, Duo. Stay here. Stay with me."

"I can't, Hilde," I said quietly. I wasn't going to get her to understand this decision. Not this part of it. "I have to go out there by myself, or else I'll just continue being who it's easiest for me to be... I'll continue being the person that makes others happy, and I'll never acknowledge that part of me that is __truly__ me. I'm sorry... I have to do this."

Turning away from her, leaving her standing there with her tears finally growing until they fell despite her efforts... was the hardest thing I'd had to do in a very long time.

"Duo, don't go!" she called to my back. I imagined her fists clenched, her tears falling down her cheeks unabashed. I felt shamed. "I love you!"

I stopped then, frozen. Oh God. No. I turned back to her, and her fists were clenched and her tears were burning wet on her cheeks. Her face was awash with desperation... that mask of pain and hope that I held inside my own heart. And, just as mine had been burned to ash... now I was to burn hers. I felt the weight of that knowledge drag at my soul.

"Oh, Hilde..." And she heard the rejection in my voice, and her face crumbled. I saw the agony enter her eyes and felt a part of myself slipping away. "I'm so sorry... I can't... I'm sorry..."

She said nothing, only watched me as I tore her heart to shreds, just as mine was torn.

"I'm so sorry... I didn't know," I breathed. "It's not you. You're... wonderful, and as a friend I think so highly of you... but I don't... I can't... oh Hilde..."

She finally couldn't take it anymore and broke her eyes away from me. I saw her fall to the ground and wanted to go to her... but how could I? I was the one to give her this pain... I couldn't help her now. "I'm so sorry," I said again, softly, hearing the pain in my own voice, hearing the thickness of my throat and my tongue etching themselves onto my words.

I left her there, crying out her anguish... her loss of something that was so dear... the loss of her soul.

Because of me.

* * *

* * *

  


I had a lot of growing up to do after the war.

It was... painful. I had realized that, even if I decide to run and hide from others... I should never do so from myself. Granted, it was a necessity during the war, but it meant that I crashed and burned afterwards. There were things about myself that I had not accepted, things I hadn't wanted to know. I didn't want to think of all the orphans I made. I didn't want to think of all the people I had killed while trying to save others.

Mostly, I didn't want to acknowledge how I had lost myself.

That's right. Somewhere beneath all the jokes and smiles and evasions... I had lost myself. Completely. I'd done it so well, in fact, that I hadn't even realized I was doing it. And I had, at least in part, become Shinigami.

It was difficult, while staying with Hilde, to realize that I was holding on to her when I should have been trying to find my own way. I had begun relying on having others near me, and I was weighing not only them down, but also myself.

It had been difficult explaining this to Hilde, who I thought of as a sister and who I very much cared for. That was when she hit me with a new blow: she loved me. Or at least she thought she did.

How was I, a street rat, a nobody, supposed to respond to that? I told her I cared for her, but not like that. I told her I needed to get out there, on my own. I hurt her.

It took me two weeks with the Sweepers to notice I was not only sticking with a pack despite my own resolve, but that I had become completely obsessed with other people's happiness. I wanted everyone to be laughing and smiling. I wanted to make them happy. But, in the end, it was only for myself that I helped them. You see, I wanted to continue hiding, and it was easier when everyone was too busy laughing to be suspicious. And, worse, I wanted their happiness to try to infect me. I was the jester, but I was never happy. How twisted is that?

I did the only thing I could do... I ran. I ran from... everyone. I made myself a home in space. That's right – my job became something... odd. I couldn't quite let go of Shinigami. He was still a part of me, and until I could find my true self, I would be forced to live as a bounty hunter. A bounty hunter because I did practically everything – I captured thieves, murderers, escaped convicts, drug dealers. I did the behind-the-scenes work that the normal cops were either too chicken or too tied up in red tape to do. Shinigami was still hunting.

I also did some random "field" work. I salvaged, I P.I.'d like a good little detective. I had to take shit cases at first, domestic quarrels and such, but the name Duo Maxwell soon became a name to be recognized. This meant that I would get good cases, but every bad guy worth his salt knew my name. It made the job more difficult.

I kept finding myself not caring.

When I was alone on my spacecraft - "Death's Wing" - I began to think, to remember. I ended up downloading hundreds of songs in the effort to block out the memories, the fears. I remembered the screams I had once justified. The blood that I had stepped in, that my hands were forever stained with. I thought of Solo, and how I had vowed to not let there be others like him. Like me.

How many fathers had I killed? How many mothers?

Then I would turn my music up louder and search for a new mission. A new job. Fuck thinking.

The newest mission was one that interested me more because of the dangers than the money. I had been in an interestingly bad mood lately. I had tried to snap out of it, had thought about going to someone, maybe Quatre. That would have been a bad idea, so at least I didn't even call him. Not only was Quatre almost constantly with Trowa, but he had also taken over as head of the Winner Foundation. The last thing I needed was a long wait to hang out with someone for only a few minutes before being interrupted by someone.

Things had changed after the war. Many things. Trowa, quiet and reticent and the epitome of soldier, had been bothered one too many times by Quatre, who had visited at least once a week at the circus until Trowa had finally just kissed the poor blond. Quatre had almost fainted from shock... or, at least, that's what I had been told the next day over the Wing's comm. link. I had been out on a fairly boring job, since I had only been working as bounty hunter for a few months at the time. It had been a little over a year since the Maremaia incident, and I had yelped for joy over Quatre's happiness. The joy in Quatre's eyes had been...

I had congratulated him, celebrated over the link, and sat alone, not knowing what to feel, afterwards. I wanted to be overjoyed for Quatre. I wanted to be happy for Trowa and their relationship. I wanted to... but I couldn't. I felt like I was being selfish. I felt cruel. I felt... lonely. Terribly lonely.

Anyway... my new mission. I was to find a gang and eliminate them. A difficult job, one worthy only of the elite. Not to mention the pay. And I was also in an introspective mood, so I wanted to kick some ass.

I accepted the mission yesterday and had gotten the documents on the case. The police couldn't legally touch these guys, which made the job interesting for me... and, really, a necessity if there was going to be any stopping these guys. It was basically my job to catch whoever the cops couldn't. Even the Preventors were caught behind a myriad of legal red tape that I just plain didn't have to deal with. And in return for me bringing the little bastards into justice, the legals ignored my blatant disregard of the rules.

The police, of course, had absolutely no permission to do anything. This did not surprise me at all. They usually didn't.

So I briefly reread the reports and checked my position. Steady as ever, my faithful Wing took me out there, ready again for what could be our last ride.

* * *

  


Okay, let's get a few things straight. For the first few... look, during the war, during the fighting, I was almost always around __someone.__ Heero, Quatre... anyone. Afterwards, I kept in touch with the Gundam pilots all the time. Quatre and I were close. Trowa and I... we found out about each other. I respected him, especially when I saw how much he meant to Quatre. Wufei was still as aloof as ever, so he and I were never close, despite the awe, admiration, and respect I had for him. And Heero...

I always end up having to force my thoughts away from Heero.

He's so... close... to Relena. He falls over himself trying to help her. Well, okay, Yuy doesn't fall over shit, but you know what I mean. The man is in love with her. You can hear it when he speaks about her or looks at her or... well, it's obvious.

And it hurts.

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid to fall for someone like him. I don't even have any damn clue how it happened. It just... did, and I have to deal with it. It made it painful to even see him. To think of him. That's why I tried so damn hard not to.

Quatre and I were still close, but not as much as we used to. He and I were like brothers during the war. He was a companion I would trust with my life, both my mortal body and my soul. I trusted all of the pilots to watch my back, but only Quatre...

Only Quatre ever knew how I felt about... him. And he was the one on whom I cried when finally, finally, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I sobbed like a baby in that damn safehouse, demanding why I had to love someone like Heero Yuy and trying to dissolve into my bitterness.

After that, I had locked the sorrow away and it was never seen or heard from again. And that was when I started realizing that I was leaning... that I was hiding. It hadn't truly hit me then – my subconscious wouldn't let it, I guess – but I realized it eventually. And then I left. I guess it was my fault that we grew distant... but it had to be done.

I was tired of being the person I was.

So... about the guys. I still keep in touch with Quatre, as I said, and of course I see Trowa sometimes, since he joined Quatre. But I hadn't seen Wufei or Heero since... since... Well, it's been three years since the end of Maremaia's little foray into the land of world domination. I guess I hadn't seen them since shortly after that. Three years.

Quatre talked about them frequently. He made a point of telling me a little bit about Heero every time we get in touch, even if it's just "Heero's doing well". I hate how I feed off of those reports. Apparently, all of the guys had gotten back together at some point.

My calls to Quatre have gotten very infrequent.

I can't help it. I had leaned and leaned... and when I left... it was like nothing had really changed for them. Quatre never said anything like "Wufei wanted to know..." or "Trowa's curious about..." It's... as if they didn't __want__ to know.

Don't be stupid – I know Quatre might not even be telling them I keep in touch with him. But... somehow, that seemed worse. Either way... the guys were fine without me. They didn't need me at all. They... had become friends... after I had left. Like they had been waiting or something.

Jesus, I was in a __really__ bitter, introspective, fuck-the-world mood, wasn't I? I needed this job. A good adrenaline rush would help me forget... for now. Until it was over, and I was left once again alone on my ship, staring at the words I had once painted on the walls in a fit of I-don't-know-what.

 _ _Forgive these broken wings__  
That cannot reach the sky;  
I wanted to take you there,  
But I cannot fly, so  
Soar, soar, my love,  
To the farest reaches of Paradise  
And forgive these broken wings of mine  
That demand I say good-bye.

And because of my nostalgic, altogether-fairly-masochistic nature, it has stayed there since. Damn poem.

That was something else that had shocked the hell out of me – the poetry that sometimes spat out of my hands or mouth when I wasn't looking. I was hardly a poet. My life was __not__ poetic. It was brutal. It was ugly. So where the hell did this shit come from?

Whatever. It was this sort of thing that stopped me, that grabbed me up and spit me out. How pathetic was it that I thought Heero was too strong, both in body and in spirit, to take notice of me? It said something about my psyche.

Damn this introspective mood. Damn it to hell.

All right. I had a few days to waste. That meant I was going to pass the time the normal way – reading, watching the on board television and farting around. No problems there – I'm used to the idea of being alone, after all. I was used to it long before I became a bounty hunter.

* * *

  


It was only a few short hours until I landed. I was already set up in my gear and prepared to go straight into the danger. Hey, it was my job – I had to be ready in case I had enemies waiting for me. That's the life of a bounty hunter for you – no downtime. I had called up scans of the surrounding area until I had the blueprints burned into my mind. I knew at least ten different ways to enter the hit building and, better, I knew about twenty different ways to get in there and get out without getting caught. Stealth always __was__ my forte, after all.

I waited until the hour mark before I strapped myself in. The colony was a small one, built just about a year before the war really kicked into high gear because of some radicals calling out some special mobile suits. I knew the layout of the colony like I knew my hand, knew all of the pathways like I knew how to braid my hair. It was integral that I know every single little thing of this place with the hit I was about to make. Some of these guys I was going after had been targets before. They'd gotten away mostly by sending others in to do their work. I got the higher ups, but I never got the leader.

This place was crawling with leaders.

I knew that this case was one handed to me by Commander Une herself, in person and everything. She and I had stayed in contact when I had first started out, and she was the one who handed good cases to me while I was still taking care of secret affair cases. She was the one who gave me this one, the one that she proclaimed could be the most dangerous high-profile case she had ever received. And she couldn't touch it. That pissed her off just enough to smile scarily at me when I accepted the case. That was one creepy lady.

If I successfully pulled this sucker off, a lot of shit would end. Bad guys everywhere would stop what they were doing, scared that what happened to those here could happen to them. This could be huge. If I failed... there would be others. If I could take out even just one of these guys...

That was me talking, of course, the me that I was starting to find. I didn't know what to think of that me. He seemed... sad. Really sad, and kind of self-deprecating. He was lonely. He was...

Well, I didn't know what all he was yet.

The Shinigami part of me laughed in the face of death and swore to kill them all. The jester in me just laughed and said 'what the hell, let's go for it!'

All parts of me knew that I had to just suck it up and do this bullshit. There was a chance that I was saving lives, that I might be stopping something huge. And, hey, wasn't I good at this 'impossible' stuff? Weren't we all? Humans, that is, not just Gundam pilots. We're all good at that whole 'impossible to possible' thing. Hell, I highly doubt that the first man ever thought that he would be able to travel through the stars... and here I was, slipping right through them and not thinking much about it.

Then I had to keep my thoughts focused. I got a call from the landing pad and gave the operator my name and the license of my ship. I was okayed for landing and slowly and carefully maneuvered my Wing over to my designated landing port. This was always an easier process than landing on Earth – there was no pressure out here trying to slam you into the ground. It was just a matter of aim and coordination. No problem whatsoever for someone who was taught to clean a gun with his eyes closed.

I immediately checked my docking space for any undue guests and waited patiently until the entire area was found to be secure. Being a bounty hunter of the caliber I am means only being free when in space, and even then you might find yourself on a collision course with a smart-ass enemy. Again with the not-really-caring statement.

But really? I think I only didn't care because... no one else seemed to. Over the years, Quatre stopped getting in touch with me. In fact, this year was halfway over and he'd only called once – a Happy Easter thing. That was it. And Hilde... she's avoided me since that day when I destroyed her hopes and left her heart crushed. That's only fair, I suppose. I left her crying there, unable to help her with her pain. I don't know how to rid oneself of that agony. She, too, would have to learn how to survive it.

So. The specs for the operation had told me where to go and who I was hitting. I suppose I should back up a bit – what I just said meant that I had been told where to go to kill who I needed to kill.

Wasn't that just it, though? I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to kill anyone anymore. I wanted my war to be over. I wanted to find myself outside of all the damn fighting.

Goddammit. I was hiding again.

That thought almost knocked the wind out of me. Was it true? Was I still hiding? Even after all of this, all that I had been trying to attain... I was still fucking hiding. Goddammit.

Well, I thought sort of... suicidally... no time to think about it now. I had some shit to do.

I stepped out of my ship and made my way through the ten blocks to the hit mark... the place I was to kill the fuckers in. I checked the place over a thousand times on my computer, but that didn't mean a damn thing. There could still be a trap waiting to catch me.

Of course I had thought of that! I may act like an idiot, but I'm really not.

The place was huge. A big ass mansion among other big ass mansions. This one, unlike the others, had little turrets all over the damn place, like that Chartres Cathedral. Like the thing was going to be ripped from the ground and rocketed into space. It was massively large. My ship would be fucking dwarfed.

And I was going to blow the whole thing sky high. Without harming the other buildings.

No damn problem for someone who was taught to blow up mannequins without leaving a mark on the floor.

It took me roughly an hour to check the place out. The leaders were all in the house in various rooms, seeming to be waiting for the meeting to officially start. Waiting for that last man to show up. Jack Harlow, a main asshole that the Preventors had been trying to catch for a couple years, had yet to show his evilly-handsome face.

I waited another two hours, but the man didn't show up, and the men inside were getting restless. I saw some of them get together through my binoculars and knew my time was running out. Hopefully getting rid of these guys would be good enough. At least then the Preventors only had one man to try to catch.

The setup of the explosives was painfully easy. Granted, there was a shitload of surveillance that made the going slow and tedious, but hell if I was going to be stopped – me, a fucking ex-Gundam pilot. Bullshit.

So another hour saw everything set up perfectly. The men in the building had been gathering together last time I'd seen them – they were saying something about 'late' and 'bullshit' and 'not going to wait forever'. I got the gist and hurried the hell up. If they left, the plan was moot, Harlow or not.

So I got my ass out of the immediate vicinity and hit the detonator switch with Shinigami's grin plastered all over my face. The boom was obviously controlled (thank you __VERY__ much), but the explosion was still massive. I heard civilians screaming and dared another moment to be absolutely certain that the fire wouldn't be spreading nearly fast enough to beat the fire department. Then I got my ass out of the red zone. Wouldn't do to get caught, no sirree.

* * *

  


It took about two more hours to realize my mistake.

Jack Harlow, the fucking son of a bitch, had known. He'd known about the hit... and he wanted me to do it. He wanted me to take out the others. I completely wasted his competition. Now he could take over all of __their__ industries and make himself a huge fucking bundle of shit that could easily become a major, major problem.

Of course, I learned this when I saw the bastards sneaking around my goddamn ship.

And of course police were swarming around here, police that  _ _didn't__  know I'd been fucking  _ _hired__  by them. So it took me fifteen goddamn minutes to knock out the five men skulking around my ship. I trussed them up and threw them into my cargo bay, not wanting them in my spare room. The last thing I needed was to listen to them whine when they woke up.

Of course, I was supposed to leave a day from now, but helpful Commander Une had already seen the report and changed my departure time. It was thanks to that that I managed to make it out before the local law enforcement was able to question me.

Back in space, I allowed myself to rest for a short moment. My mission wasn't over. That Jack bastard had known somehow. He'd known I was gonna make the hit. He'd waited, specifically not notifying the others... he'd wanted me to take care of his problem __for__ him. Smart little bastard.

Of course, now __I__ was the target. He'd quickly learn that his little stooges were stopped. Then he'd send bigger guns... better enemies.

I grinned.

Finally. Finally, I would have a challenge that could take...

My life?

I stopped myself cold. Was that... what I wanted? The me that was me? Was I really that suicidal? No... no, I wasn't suicidal... it was more...

Hopelessness.

Hopeless. Where did that feeling come from? Where did this... emotion... come from? Was it... because of my love for… __him__? Was it because of how... alone I was?

Or was it that, still, despite everything... I still have no idea... of who the hell I am?

I shook my head. Worrying about it wasn't going to do anything. I had to __do__ something about it. But... what, exactly? A guy in my position couldn't make any friends. Even if I did have the time to stop somewhere and chat with people and get to know them... it was far too dangerous. For me and for them. I could lead me enemies – and I have a lot of them – straight to those I care about.

Maybe it was a good thing I didn't have anyone who fit that description. Maybe it was a good thing I was alone.

_And forgive these broken wings of mine..._

I snorted. What a retarded poem. Broken wings... as if I'd ever been an angel. No. The only angel I am is the Angel of Death.

But... I don't want to be Shinigami anymore. I want... to be me.

Well, I thought sadistically, after I killed my enemies, maybe I could be... me.

Hah. Right.

I turned on my music and slipped through the check-ups on my ship's condition and coordinates with experienced ease. I turned on my music because the silence was starting to get to me, as always. Then I sat back and allowed myself to... think.

So. So I'm hiding within Shinigami, who I seemed unable to completely release. I'm hiding... from myself, the real me who I want to find.

Is it impossible to find oneself?

No! I will not... I will not be lost forever. I will not feel hopeless forever! I will... I will find my way... through all of this... to myself. The real me, whether I am a person who wants to die or not. Whether I am tired... or worn... or bruised... if it's on my deathbed, I will find myself.

I snorted again at my fatalistic attitude. Hell, with Jack Harlow focusing himself on me... I might be dead. He was strong enough with his enemies around. Now that I'd helpfully blown them to smithereens...

I moved to my gallery and grabbed a quick drink. I kept the ship on zero-g. Things were just __so__ much easier that way.

My ship wasn't that big – maybe the size of a small rancher. Only more round and stuff. The galley was maybe the size of a dining room – not too shabby. I kept it well-stocked and everything – I wasn't the type to dump out on this stuff, after all. Food is good.

The only interesting bit, really, is the necessity of safe-guarding the edibles from the hazards of space. This meant drinking whatever out of bulbs and eating only certain foods that are carefully packaged. Food bulbs, only less liquid and more solid. And more tedious to make, making them more expensive. When worse came to worse, I ate military rations. They weren't the best shit in the universe, but they were cheap and edible and healthy.

The walls were a bright blue, but Ii wasn't any damn artist. The best I could do was to slap on white paint with some sponges. It was close enough for me. I did the whole walls that way, with the floor the same damn color. No "land" anywhere. Without any gravity, it was almost like flying.

Good enough for a street rat, anyway.

Of course, there were more poems on the walls – times when I lost control despite how hard I tried to squash those stupid poetic moments when something grabbed me and spit my soul on the walls. Always, always it was in red. Like blood, or just because that was always the first I seemed to grab?

Either way, I would end up with poems on the wall. They showed me facets of myself I didn't want to see, but they opened up holes in that gate through which the real me was placed. Poems of anger, of lost love, of sorrow so deep it seemed to be deeper than I would ever reach. Sorrow that I didn't even recognize until it was placed out there in bold red letters. The poems were like infections. Plagues.

I refused to read them this time, not in the mood to do that deep an analysis just then. I went to my cargo bay and checked on my little captives. None of them had awoken yet, but it was only a matter of time. There were a few days ahead of them. I would have to feed them. They weren't getting anything other than ration bars. And even that seemed too good for them.

I didn't look forward to giving them water and holding it for them. That didn't seem like a lot of fun... but it would be simpler than loosing their wrists and risking them fucking around with my ship.

Jack Harlow wouldn't wait long to try to take me down. Men were probably already being dispatched to meet up with me on Earth. I was very quickly going to be embroiled in a huge fucking problem. This had gotten way too damn personal.

Jack Harlow now wanted me dead.

Well, he wasn't the first, and he wouldn't be the last. I would make sure of that. There was no way I, a fucking ex-Gundam pilot, was going to be taken down by some hot-shot criminal. Even if the bastard rivaled Al Fucking Capone.

Al Capone, by the way, had died of syphilis. If he'd not contracted that disease, historians feared he would have been harder to catch. Then again, the bastard __was__ eventually caught. If Al Capone could be caught, fucking Jack Harlow could be caught.

I was tired of worrying about stupid Jack Harlow and his retarded goons after three hours of flight. I took a book and went to my room, going to sleep an hour or so afterwards.

* * *

* * *

  


Let's get this straight right off – training to be a Gundam pilot was damn hard work. And even though I was picked up by Professor G a bit late in the game, I was still trained for years. Some people think that not being in a battle situation deadens the training. Maybe they're right; maybe I just hadn't been a civilian long enough to get to that point.

Nevertheless, my training was still as sharp as ever. I would sometimes react to the subtle change in my ship's sound or movement even before the alarm sounded. I would know where my target was in a room with me even though I consciously had no idea how I knew.

So I woke up at the same time my captives did.

Don't ask me how I knew. There may have been a sound, maybe a subtle change in my ship's vibration due to to their movements. I shouldn't be able to hear them. I shouldn't feel such tiny shifts. It didn't matter how, though, right?

I sighed, knowing that they would now be loud and irritating. They would try to threaten me by telling me that Jack Harlow was going to get me.

Jack Harlow would have to try damn hard.

I got up from my floating sleeping position and made my way to my galley, studiously ignoring all those damn poems on the walls. Not for the first time, I swore I was going to paint over the damn things.

I dumbly thought of the threat to my life now, thought of dying. It was pathetic how my chest seemed to lighten at the thought. I ignored the feeling and took it a little further. Would I get a funeral, or would my body just lay wherever it happened to fall? And if I did get a funeral, what would happen? Quatre would fund it, of course. He's such a good guy. And because Quatre would attend, Trowa would be there.

Would Hilde attend my last hurrah? Would she cry with loss or would she stare in triumph or hate? Would she attend in a black dress, and if not, why not?

What about Wufei? He and I had never been close. Would he go to my funeral, say some last words about the irritating Maxwell? Or would he ignore my death? Wufei was a man of honor – it was hard to guess what he would do.

But what about... Heero? What would he do?

Well, at least I'd be dead – no way to be upset about his decision. At that point, it wouldn't matter.

I blew my bangs out of my face and grabbed a couple more bulbs, then went to the cargo bay. I ignored my captives' screaming and squirted some water on their faces (an almost impossible feat). They shut up when I threatened to take the water away.

Once watered, they started right back up again. I made sure their binding were secure and left them. I would feed them when they shut up. See how long it took them to figure that one out.

The little hallway was filled with little poems, all of them blood-red. It was hard to ignore them in the "meadow" I had painstakingly created.

I returned to my galley and ate a ration bar, not in the mood to try anything else. The music washed over me. I hardly heard it, but it helped me to keep from concentrating on other things too much.

At least now I didn't really have time to think about Heero and the others and the exact probability of each of them showing up in a suit to the funeral made for a little ol' street rat.

The feeling of relief at dying was pushed safely out of mind.

I had turned on my rock music, the music that was almost impossible to understand. Some of my music was very... personal in its lyrics. I couldn't stand to listen to that right now.

So I listened to those voices long dead screaming something about "you" and "cold" and ignored the flash of cobalt that entered my head.

Checking my coordinates was easy, readying a message fir Une a bit more complicated. Admitting to being a target of one of your targets is just bloody humiliating. Then I set a scan to notify me of an incoming... something within ten mile. Yes, ten miles. My Wing is just fucking awesome like that.

Besides, in space... ten miles isn't really all that much.

I had a few files on our dear Mr. Jack Harlow, and I brought them up to look at them closer. Mr. Jack Harlow wasn't terribly bad-looking, for a motherfucker. He was in his early thirties – my files differed on either 31 or 32 – with short-cropped dark brown hair and dark eyes. The picture I had of him had him in a gray tuxedo. And a smile.

A nice smile, too, for a motherfucker.

I read a long, disturbing list of all the things the Preventers knew he was doing and couldn't do anything about. Murders, weapon engineering, arms development. What use were the Justice Departments if they couldn't deliver justice? Too bad for everyone, too, that I had just helped this bastard. The thought made me vaguely sick.

Reading this file only served to tell me how much I had to lose by not completing this mission. I added a little footnote on my letter to Une telling her that I would continue the mission. I wouldn't accept money until it was done. Once and for all.

Besides, if Jack Harlow was so stupid as to send those losers in my cargo bay after me, he didn't stand a chance. That almost irritated me.

That done, I closed my eyes and let my body relax. Time to look at things that I didn't want to see.

Where to start? Since I was probably going to be dead soon, I had to fight harder to see what I didn't want to see. Not just the good things, but also the bad things.

The one that was constantly slapping me in the face was the desire to die. I hadn't truly thought I would feel such a way, but obviously I did. The question was: when did it start? And even more importantly: why?

There were probably a lot of reasons, if I looked for them. Heero. The estrangement from the guys, starting long before I decided to leave. Hilde. Gods, I should be looking even farther back than that, shouldn't I? Solo, the loss of all of my brothers and sisters, so much closer to me than any blood kin could ever be. Then Sister Helen and Father Maxwell and...

I found myself breathing heavily and tried to stop. And that brought up something else, something I'd been pushing aside because boys, especially boys who just happened to be bounty hunters, couldn't afford to have fears. But I was afraid – I was terrified – that I truly was Shinigami. That everyone I touched... everyone I got close to... died. I was scared for Quatre and Heero and the others. The Sweepers. Howard. Hilde. If I had stayed with them, would they still be alive? Wasn't it better for me to suffer than for everyone to die because of me?

I sighed, wishing finding myself meant finding someone... better... than who I was seeing. A suicidal coward. Pathetic.

But these past three years had shown me some good things. Maybe I wasn't as honorable as Wufei (hello? Pickpocket much?), but I still found myself being... truthful, though I often hid truths within other truths. Was that lying? Meh. People have done worse. I believed in justice, though I thought the judicial system was total bullshit. On the streets, you took care of your own. And you sure as hell didn't wait for the police to mete out justice. And we did just fine, thank you very much. And we didn't have to worry about courts. Only where to hide the bodies.

I wouldn't call myself righteous, but I saw what was right and what was wrong. Wufei, I think, had black and white on the brain, while I'm a more gray kind of guy. But there are lines a person crosses that I can't forgive.

Killing a priest, for example.

And I often visited orphanages, whenever I could. I gave most of my excess money to those kids. I couldn't really do much else – getting close to those kids would be far too dangerous for them. And, maybe, for me as well. Orphanages brought back memories. Some were good, but... they would always remain bittersweet.

But giving to orphanages... that was good, right?

And let's see... what else... oh yeah. I was loyal. Yup. That one had blindsided me one day while I was sitting in my galley thinking of the other gundam pilots. It had hit me so suddenly, in fact, that there was a poem on the walls commemorating it. I didn't have to look at it – I knew each word by heart. It was one of the hardest poems I'd ever written.

 _"You can trust me,"_  
The snake told the Servant;  
"I will love you forever  
And protect you from pain."

 _And the angel, she trusted_  
His words easily.  
And foolishly, this angel  
Gave the serpent full reign.

 _She opened her heart_  
To the snake's waiting fangs,  
And when she was poisoned,  
It was by him she was stained.

 _And now this poor angel's_  
A bitter, wilting thing,  
And the beauty once shining  
Is now dust in the wind.

I'd ended up naming the damn thing Poisoned Lies. Why not? But it showed just how loyal I was... how foolishly loyal I was. I just had to decide on whether that was something I wanted to work on or not. I figured I should start with the fear and the suicidal tendencies first. You know, the important ones.

So. Yeah. Other things about me. Let's see... well, I'm stubborn. I'm headstrong and rebellious. Taking orders rubs me. Being given a job, though, is something else entirely. I'll finish the job, and I'll finish it better than you wanted me to. I put that extra effort into my work that most people just shrug at. But I like loose parameters. Une had once tried to tell me how to take out an enemy. I'd done every single thing, even the tiniest detail, differently. And I'd still pulled the damn thing off with flying colors. And then I warned her that the next time she told me how to do something, I'd be tempted to leave the shit to her.

The crazy schizo had laughed.

And by the way, I know multiple personality isn't common for schizophrenics. Don't preach to me.

That's another thing about me. I'm smart. I act like a dunce, I understand that, but that's one good thing about being out here all alone all the time – there's no one to pretend for. I can be me... whoever I am... and not have to worry about what I look like to others or whether anyone sees through me.

And I guess that's another thing to look at. Why do I care so much about what others think of me? I don't mind if people think I'm an idiot. Stupid and harmless was a necessity during the war. I just... don't like others looking at me strangely. Like a freak.

And... worse... I hide, but I want to be found. I was hypocritical, selfish. And a part of me wanted to be a martyr.

Sick.

I jumped up when I stopped hearing vague sounds from my pathetic little captives and went to the galley to get them some food. Rations for them. No good food – ha. They were prisoners, not guests. I would be more than happy to drop their sorry asses off at Preventer HQ. Damn but they were annoying.

They seemed to get that whining wasn't going to win them into my good graces. I was granted a reprieve from their fussing the rest of the time until I went to sleep.

As dreams went, the one I had wasn't spectacular. It was a rerun. I hate those.

I was in a dark hallway, one hallway of a million hallways I've infiltrated. I can feel the rush, the kick of adrenaline in me. It's such a powerful feeling. When I was younger, I had thought it akin to invincibility. The feeling that no one could touch you. That you were lightning without the raucous, stumbling impediment of thunder, fluid and dangerous.

I moved with that assurance, that knowledge that I was faster, better than my enemy. That I would win.

The hallway had doors on each side and seemed to last forever. A dream hallway. I ignored the doors, knowing instinctively that who I searched for was not to be found in those rooms. No. He was further down, waiting for me. Waiting for Shinigami. I was arrogant enough to think he was waiting for death. I wanted to taunt him, to call out to him – do you know who I am? Do you fear my face? But I stayed silent, moving with coy, slinking grace, as the fox when he corners the hens in their pen. Licking his chops and wondering curiously who he will eat.

Curious. Not afraid. Too assured of his victory to be afraid.

Then, as only a dream can do, he was in front of me. My prey. The man I was to kill.

Suddenly emotions flooded in, the emotions I always feel around this man. The emotions I had quickly learned to hide.

Love. Fear. Pain. Hurt. Hopelessness. And the willingness to accept all that pain.

Heero.

He's in front of me, his eyes dead cold. A gun was in his hand. It didn't shake. He didn't hesitate.

He never did.

My eyes snapped open with the sound of the gunshot still echoing in my ears. But this time it wasn't a gunshot – it was an alarm.

I cursed resoundly and got to my cockpit as quickly as I could – which was damn quick. The screens were blazing red. I shut off the alarm and quickly scanned the screen. Shit. An incoming ship. It was unregistered. I brought it up on my screens and hissed. It had weapons.

I sat in my seat and snapped the gravity on. I would need to have my balance. I heard yelps from my cargo bay and knew my captives didn't appreciate the landing. Like I cared.

I changed my music to music with an "I don't care" attitude and listened to Limp Bizkit scream about ripping people's heads off. I switched the controls to manual override and cursed again. The fucker was on me.

I did a crazy corkscrew, pumping out my fuel, just as twin beams shot out at my ship. I let my mind blank, let my hands and fingers move without thought. Thought would make me hesitate. I didn't have time to hesitate.

For one short, infinitesimal moment, I felt bad for my captives. They were gonna have bruises because of this.

I swerved a hard right, then immediately banked left. I put my thrusters through hell, jarring the ship with spurts and stops. I evaded every single beam with a skill I had gained years ago. Sweat fell into my eyes, poured down my neck. I found myself reaching for weapons controls that I didn't have.

The enemy ship was big, but not too big. Like one of those Ford trucks to a Chevrolet. Or a punch buggy. Not a tractor trailer, but still bigger.

And goddammit, it had weapons.

Killing the enemy would be difficult without weapons. I had a feeling the enemy knew that, as well.

We were out in the middle of nowhere, two ships fighting desperately. My only chance would be to escape, evade and get out of there to the point where he couldn't follow. But there was absolutely nothing out here to direct his attention – to hide me. Shit. Shit! If it were a suicide crashing mission, it would be easy shit. But the fucker had weapons!

Shit. Shit!

In the end, I realized without hope, it would all come down to who had more gas. And depending on where this guy came from... I was dead.

I gritted my teeth. "Not without trying, fuckers," I growled, and dodged the newest attack.

The ship, I noted, was completely black. Its outline was difficult to see, its shape hard to decipher. I doubted it was a model on the market. The market doesn't allow weapons.

Now, some people think it's easy to make ships do these amazing acrobatics out in the middle of space. Bullshit. Doing loop-de-loops and somersaults is practically impossible. The best a person can do is turn and use those thrusters to do the most insanely fast maneuvers ever made possible. This guy knew how impossible it was to loop the ship.

What he didn't know was what thrusters could do.

He was the average good spacer – he could turn, he could chase. And, like any good soldier, he knew how to fire his weapons.

But he couldn't maneuver like I could.

Back during the war, we gundam pilots shocked the fuck out of the military by swerving around their missiles. There were a hell of a lot more missiles then than now. This, comparatively, was easy shit to dodge.

But it used up gas. And I had no where to run. Suicide was out of the option – I may be suicidal, but I'm not gonna try it. No way. Besides, with my luck, he'd live, anyway.

So my job was to use my thrusters to get me as far away from the fucker as possible and hope for two things: one, that no other ship would unfortunately plunge into our battle, and two, that the motherfucker would give up and go away.

The first never happened. The second took an hour of evasion dancing. My fuel had been starting to get critically low, to the point where I was in serious danger of not making it back to Earth. The thought of being stranded out in space was not a comforting one.

But the bastard finally left.

I waited to make sure he didn't pull anything fancy before heading to Earth. I didn't have the gas or the weaponry to successfully chase him, and honestly? Now that he was leaving, the adrenaline was starting to fade. I was just content for it to be over.

I set my course back on track and settled back in my seat for a few moments. Thank God and little baby cherubs that that was over.

I reflected on what might have made him leave. Anyone with a brain knows that energy is used up for the weapons. Maybe the ship hadn't been properly formatted to the weapons. The energy shouldn't have been sucked up that quickly. But if that were the case... that meant that, though they were working up weapons, they didn't quite know how to use them.

Or, more likely, the fucker just realized that he wasn't gonna fucking hit me.

I made Godsmack stop talking about how much he fucking hated someone and turned my music to some happier stuff. Fluff music – Cascada or Superchick or Trapt. Linkin Park. Billy Joel. He was the one singing now – Billy Joel. Singing about how it was still rock and roll to him. I sang along for a moment, my eyes closed. Then I went to check on my poor, bruised passengers.

They weren't happy, of course, and remained so despite the fact that I'd returned the ship to zero-g. Or maybe they didn't like the fact that I had turned the ship back to zero-g. I guess the fall didn't make them too thrilled.

Of course, when they found out that their boss hadn't given a rat's ass about their lives, they were shocked and outraged. Whatever measly information these men had, I could almost guarantee that they would give it to the Preventers. Ah. You gotta love the need for revenge.

I went back to the galley and fixed myself a quick drink. With my luck, the guy would be coming back with reinforcements. It would be a miracle to make it to my port on Earth safely – and make it to Une's without meeting at least twenty men after my ass. I considered my increasingly obvious mortality. That funeral was looking... definite.

I fed my sulking captives and introduced them to a portable potty. They weren't thrilled with that, but I had to pick the thing up and toss it into the shoot, so I had no fucking clue why __they__ were complaining.

My course would leave me only a few extra gallons of gas – not enough to spit with, here in space. If I was attacked again... well, nothing to do about it now.

Too tense and wired for sleep, I could only look at my files of Jack Harlow again and sing along with Ricky Martin about living the crazy life. I didn't think about the lyrics and I ignored the words on the wall.

My half-hour warning came in so suddenly that I jumped. I was so shocked to not be attacked again that I just sat there in my galley for another two minutes before getting my ass up. I had no doubt about what this meant – that man, Harlow, had men waiting for me at the port. I spared a second to curse, then got my captives, trussed them up separately, and slammed them into the other seats in my cockpit. I only had six seats altogether, more than some but just barely enough nonetheless. I warned one smart-mouthed motherfucker to be happy he was getting in that seat at all. I also left his harness just that tiny bit loose. See if I cared.

I switched my music again, knowing what the ports expected of me – blaring rock music that pissed everyone in the near (and far) vicinity off. I settled on Trivium's "Blinding Tears Will Crack the Skies" and settled myself in.

I'm not going to say entering Earth's atmosphere is easy shit, but I won't say that it's too terribly difficult, either. I heard astronauts could do it back in A.D. If __they__ could do it, almost anyone could.

With that said, I'll also add that I can do it practically with my eyes closed. Some people think I have a hard time with it. And yeah, I sweat – re-entry is hot – and I have to concentrate like hell because of all the variables in landing on Earth... but it really isn't difficult. I almost messed up this time, though, because of my worry about having enemies camped out. I almost scratched my poor Wing's paint. My scans were already waiting to check the perimeter and blinked on even as I finished my landing. Thank you, O gods of wireless electronics. I heard that long ago people had to use wires for everything. I can't even imagine how inconvenient that must have been.

I logged myself in to the port, knowing the proper protocol demanded prompt time, then unstrapped myself and grabbed a pistol and semi from my secret stash in my room. My captives stewed on my seats for a while as I put on a Kevlar vest and basically got ready for battle.

I returned to find my screens coming up with only one person. Jack Harlow himself? He wouldn't make things that bloody simple, would he?

I was shocked as hell to find that the mystery man wasn't a man at all, but a woman. And a woman I knew pretty well.

"Well, well, well, boys," I murmured with a grin. "Looks like the head of the Preventers came all this way, just to meet you. Aren't you special?"

The men were silent, but the change in the air around me told me everything I needed to know. I chuckled darkly and left them in their seats. "Now, now," I warned them all, my Shinigami smile neatly in place, "don't try to run. It would probably hurt when I shot your legs." I flicked the semi hanging off my shoulder before releasing the hatch for my exit.

I was still extra cautious as I made my way to Une, though I didn't think she'd be out here unless all the men had been taken care of. I disliked getting assistance from those paying me. It made me feel like I wasn't earning the money.

Une only raised an eyebrow at my obviously battle-ready attire. "I see you already know what had happened."

I grinned rakishly at her. "Yup. I have a pretty little message waiting to be sent to you on my ship. Want me to send it to you?"

The woman only shook her head, seemingly used to my antics now. "Not necessary. I have a more important message for you."

Her tone implied that it was a message I'd rather not receive. "Oh?" I questioned, keeping my voice light.

"Jack Harlow, as you know, already organized all of this. We fell into his trap."

"I did," I said smoothly as she motioned four men closer, apparently to make a last sweep of the grounds. I told her about my captives and she sent two to retrieve them. When they were gone, I continued. "I accepted the mission, and therefore took responsibility for getting it completed properly."

Une merely moved me forward toward a waiting car. We were silent until we were inside and the window between the front and back seats was up. "That doesn't matter," Une snapped, apparently not wanting to argue the detail, despite how she seemed to not agree with me. "What matters is that Harlow has now decided that you are his most important target."

"I noticed," I said dryly. I gained a sharp glare for that remark.

"You are too important to lose," she added, and that managed to shut me up. She smirked, but I was too shocked to respond. "Because of your importance, you have now become our number one priority. We need to protect you and get rid of Jack Harlow. Now that he has targeted a civilian," she said that last word as dryly as I had said my earlier comment, "who has given a statement," she gave me a look that said I had better agree with that, "we can go after him."

"Yeah, here's a statement for you – the bastard sent a ship with beams after me."

She stared at me for a short while before nodding her head. "That'll do."

I wasn't happy about this. "But I don't need your help. I'll complete the mission on my-"

"I've already put two of my best men on this case," she told me, as if I hadn't spoken a fucking word. "They will accompany you and assist you in the full completion of your mission." She glared at me when I began to protest again. "I won't lose you to ego. I understand your precious manhood's at stake, but this is bigger than you."

Well, the first part pissed me off, but I couldn't argue with the second. So I sat and fumed for a minute or five.

"Your men will most likely get in my way," I told her irritably, thinking of having to deal with two bumbling idiots who would be squeamish about entering sewers or grates. Maybe someone claustrophobic. Or someone afraid of spiders. Gods forbid.

Une suddenly had one of those creepy "I-am-an-insane-woman-so-don't-even-fucking-think-about-messing-with-me" looks on her face. It was a mix of a sneer, a smirk, and a smile. I watched her warily but didn't say another word.

We were taken up to the very front of Preventer's Headquarters, a massively huge building that would intimidate the lesser baddies into going straight. Three men were there to guard Une as she exited the car, two more to flank me, ready to protect or deflect as necessary. I glared at them and managed to get one to back off and one to move closer. Une seemed to find that terribly amusing.

I was led through a side entrance – I never let myself go in through the front – and up Une's private elevator (good God the money us poor tax payers were putting into this place) to her private office. I wondered if she were an executive hermit and tried to imagine her in a cabin up in the hills. The picture didn't suit her at all.

She sat behind that desk with more authority than any president of that United States country that used to exist. And some of those men were said to be pretty fucking arrogant. That was an authority that a hermit just didn't fucking have.

She looked at me as I took my regular place by the door, leaning against the wall with my arms lightly crossed. "Strike," she said, referring to my code name, my hunter name, "you know as well as I do that Harlow must be stopped." I said nothing, only kept my eyes on her. She hadn't needed to say that to me.

She continued, knowing that I wanted her to get to the point. "Whether you want to do this alone or not, we can't afford to have you go out there and fail."

Funny, I thought silently, since that was one of my plans.

"The two men I've put on this case are my absolute best. They won't get in your way, and they're a necessary asset to this. You'll need to work together to kill Harlow – which is the mission." I felt a quick surge of relief. "Of course, if you can take him alive, that would be great, but right now the main goal is to just get rid of him." In other words, think before you fire. I sighed.

"I understand," I said, the words thick on my tongue and hard to get out. Damn but I hated the idea of working with other people. I had a momentary twinge of fear that I would rely on them. "I'll work with them." And hopefully wouldn't end up on the outside like I am with...

I got a sick feeling just as Une smiled at me and picked up the phone on her desk. "Let them up."

I stared at her with blank eyes as my chest tightened. She said they were her absolute best. Her best. She wouldn't stick me with-

I heard their voices, low but still distinct, as they walked down the short hall to Une's office. I stiffened. I know Une saw my sudden tensing, knew her eyes went thoughtful, but I couldn't care enough for that right now.

I watched the knob twist, watched the door open as if the true God of Death were about to enter, were about to come for me to take me to hell.

"I'm certain he is honorable, Yuy," Wufei was saying when that door swung in. He was the first to step in. He was taller, leaner, even more sinewy. His hair was still back in that severe ponytail, his cheekbones still sharp, his eyes still coal black. But those eyes weren't as sharp or cold, and there was a small smile on his lips. He'd mellowed, if just a bit.

Then came him... Heero. My blood drained from my face as I saw him again for the first time in so long. He was taller, as well. He and Wufei were about the same height, which just had to be a few inches taller than me. He, too, was lean and honed, his face a bit sharper. More adult. His eyes were still that shockingly dark blue, but they, too, were warmer. There was an emotion in them, like distrust and worry together, a shock to see after so long without having many emotions in those eyes at all. His hair was still a wild mess, still fell into his eyes. They both wore black outfits with the Preventor insignia on them.

They had changed... but they were still so very much the same.

They both saw me at the same time and froze in shock. The door slammed behind them. I might have flinched.

None of us moved, staring at what might as well have been ghosts or figments. Their eyes were wide. They didn't move for the longest time. I was too shocked, too scared, to think of anything witty or stupid to say, something dumb that they expected of me. Of the me that wasn't me. But I could say nothing.

Finally, it was Wufei who broke off from his frozen pose, who took a cautious step forward, as if drawn to a Siren or Seductress. His hand reached out like he wanted to touch, but paused in midair as if expecting his touch would make me disappear. "Maxwell?" he breathed, a curse, a plea. His eyes showed what I couldn't believe – hope, wonder. Maybe even joy. "Is that... you?" Then, a split second later, with confusion lacing his features, "are you... Black Strike?"

* * *

* * *

  


I didn't say anything. I couldn't. This was worse than Jack Harlow coming after me. Infinitely worse. Une had just set me up with the worst team she could have ever come up with.

"Maxwell?" Wufei repeated, his voice... odd. I couldn't place it in my repertoire of Wufei Emotions – of course, the list was short. But usually I could sense a similarity, if nothing else – irritation, anger, exasperation. This sounded... hopeful? Confused? Sad? Melancholy? Distraught? Maybe he had a cold.

Une cleared her throat. Wufei and Heero jumped, but I turned gratefully to her. Get their fucking attention off of me. "Boys," she said, and her tone was dry, "this is Black Strike, the man you are to protect. You will go with him to assist in the elimination of one Jack Harlow. Strike has the files."

Yes, I had the files. They were bloody fucking useless.

"I am leaving Yuy in charge, with Strike acting as his second. Chang, you will continue to be Yuy's partner, as always. However... both of you may have to take orders from Strike at times. You're leaving on his ship."

I had swallowed the groan at the notice of Yuy being in charge – fuck, I had to talk to him now – but I couldn't help the wince at the thought of them on-board my ship... able to read those goddamn poems. I knew I should've painted over them.

I ignored the look Yuy and Chang sent me.

"Get moving. I'm not paying you to stand around." Une waved her hand in dismissal.

My back stiffened. They would talk to me. Fuck, I was stuck with them for an unknown period of time in a tiny ship... with two bedrooms. Bullshit was I sharing a room with them. I kept my ship on zero-g – an extra pillow and blanket and they would survive just fine.

Their eyes would be on me... on my poems. They might ask questions. Why? Where? What?

Well... maybe this was a test. I would try to fight my old mask... the me they thought they knew. No use in pretending... they hated me anyway.

It was with trepidation that I left Une's office with Heero and Wufei. Wufei still had that dazed, what-the-hell look, that strangely hopeful and confused look. Heero... could anyone tell a difference in Heero's face? Ice-cold and hard. For a fleeting moment, I had thought I'd seen surprise on his face. Naïve of me. I had merely seen an echo of Wufei's expression on his. A mirage. Heero was frozen.

Wufei turned to me and opened his mouth with his face still... weird. So I beat him to the punch.

"Are you packed and ready to set out or do you need a couple of hours to get everything?"

Heero glared while Wufei shook his head. "We're ready. But Maxwell-"

"Good. Then we'll get moving. We'll have to move fast – if you're with me, you're targets, as well."

"You've been targeted already?" Heero asked. Monotone. Not a hint of concern.

"I'll brief you once we get to my ship," I said caustically. I turned my back on them and made my way to the elevator.

* * *

We weren't attacked. I was almost disappointed – one last chance to not have to deal with this and I missed it. I wondered if I would have just stood there and waited for a bullet to hit. But then my imagination started flying, seeing Heero jump out to save me... my heart tore from within me, a pain even sharper than that which I usually felt when thinking about him. It was worse now – I knew what he looked like. I... could smell him.

His scent hadn't changed.

My ship was locked tight, but I made a sweep of the surrounding area to be sure. I made Heero and Wufei stand outside the ship while I searched, which garnered another glare and an even weirder look from Wufei. I heard them begin murmuring unintelligibly as soon as the door closed behind me.

The search proved the place clean. I said nothing to them as I led them aboard, so they weren't warned about the colors... or the blood-red words.

Wufei made a slightly shocked noise as he walked in. "I expected the place to be more... austere."

"People paint their houses. I paint my ship. Most do." My answers, though not as short as Heero could make them, were nonetheless clipped. I didn't want to talk to these men. I didn't want to hear the censure they always sent toward me. I didn't want to deal with it.

Fighting alone had been better. At least then I would only have to fight the cold silence of the ship.

Wufei gently touched the grass of my little meadow, then looked two feet across. He gasped again, then moved down to reverently touch the small poem, blood-red, staining the tips of the awkward blades of grass.

 _ _If only, if only__  
We knew what was holy  
Keep fighting, keep fighting  
All people die lonely

"Heero..." Wufei whispered, his voice a different tone. Still completely odd coming from him. Heero moved past me and stood by Wufei's side.

I ignored the two of them and moved to the cockpit. I didn't have to see them there yet, didn't have to think about them seeing anymore of my poems, which they were likely to start sniffing out. Damn poems. Damn mission. Damn Jack Harlow.

Oh yes. Damn Jack Harlow to a bloody fucking Hell.

I grinned. I would make sure to do just that.

I sat in my pilot's chair and buckled myself in, glad to not have to do it for anyone again. Then I got my Wing ready for launch.

I felt it when Heero and Wufei entered the room, just before I was going to have to call them in. Wufei immediately took a seat behind me – bad enough – but Heero moved to sit in the co-pilot's seat. I turned to look at him then.

"No one sits there." My eyes and voice were both blank, as they had to be to speak to Heero. When Heero lifted his gaze and our eyes met... I ended up wearing a mask, anyway, just to try to hide the sorrow that grew inside me. But it was the eyes of Shinigami that stared at Heero. "Ever." I ignored the fact that I'd had to put one of my captives in that seat. To me, that hardly counted.

Heero gave me a measuring stare, but went in the back and buckled up there. Thank God. I ignored the fact that I could feel silent communication going on behind me. I had a feeling I was going to have to get used to that.

One of the launchers came on my comm. link then. With a stalwart attitude, I okayed my ship and prepared for take-off.

"Make sure you're fastened safely and keep yourself relaxed," I said to my passengers despite the fact that I knew they knew damn well how to sit through launch. I thought I heard Heero snort. "It's fucking regulation," I snapped, though I figured they knew that, too.

Then I blanked them both from my mind and got my Wing ready for the countdown. It was all basic, but Earth was a bit harder to manage. It was a beauty of the colonies I actually appreciated – no gravitational pull, no unknown changes at the last second. Earth had a lot of those because it wasn't man-made.

Then we were going up, and it was time to adjust the thrusters and maneuver Wing in the direction we wanted to go. When we were up, I steadied the ship, lowered thrusters, and set up the course. I was going to L2, where Harlow had apparently started his operations.

I wished I was going there alone.

Heero and Wufei got up the minute they could. Without being asked, I began opening the file up for them. "This is Harlow's file. We're headed to L2."

"Harlow started there, didn't he?" Wufei asked, but his question didn't really sound like a question.

"Yeah." Heero moved closer to me to look over my shoulder. I got up and maneuvered around the chairs. The exit, I thought with hope, was only a few feet away.

Wufei snorted. "They all crack out of that damn colony."

I flinched.

I escaped from the room just as I heard Wufei grunt and belatedly exclaim, "oh...!" Heero, of all people, apparently remembered where I was from and reminded Wufei.

I went to my galley, with its endless blue skies. Had they come in here already? Had they seen? Belatedly, I turned on zero-g, realizing that I wasn't as free as I usually was. But even that didn't take away the weight that was now on my shoulders. Everything was crashing around me. Even if I survived this, even if I succeeded, I would have to stop being a bounty hunter. They knew me now. Those who I was trying to avoid. Besides... I was hiding. My fists clenched at the thought. Yes. That was right. I was still hiding, still turning my back on the real me. Maybe my efforts were useless. Maybe I would never find the real me.

No! Bullshit. I wasn't going to give up now. No way. I've come too far to stop now.

I added stubborn to my list of personality traits and smiled. I liked that one.

I looked over my galley's walls, the blood-red lines on them. No doubt they would all be read by those two. They were Preventors, after all. Their job was to snoop around – within the boundaries of the law. And since I technically invited them onto my ship...

I sighed. This was going to be Hell in a trashcan.

Might as well buck up, I thought, then grabbed a bulb and sailed over to the table. I was in the mood for shit food, so I grabbed a ration bar. Fancy shit was out for today. The thought alone made me vaguely sick. Add worrywart to that list, I thought, and cringed at that. I didn't like that one.

Heero and Wufei came in a few minutes later, the file apparently read. They were silent as they came in, though Wufei immediately gasped at the amount of poems on the walls. Apparently they hadn't been in here, after all. Wufei sailed to the closest poem while Heero went straight to the refrigerator. He looked inside and lifted an eyebrow.

"No beer?"

I wanted to snap at him and his sardonic attitude. He made it sound like I should hoard beer, the drunkard that I am.

"I don't drink."

That seemed to shock both of them. "Not at all?" Wufei asked, his reading temporarily forgotten.

"No." My voice was getting more and more clipped. My tone said it was none of their fucking business as to why, but of course they never really paid attention to me.

"Why?" Heero sounded... so fucking sarcastic.

I wanted to snarl at him. I wanted to say something biting, like, "I keep my drinking for when I'm with my whores," or maybe, "I'm Duo and I've been alcohol-free for three days," or something equally cynical. Instead I kept my mouth closed and only grunted. See how he liked a taste of his own fucking medicine. Ah. Cruel irony. Gotta love it.

Wufei decided to change the subject. "Duo, what are these?" He pointed to the poems on the walls.

I, in turn, gave him a look as if to say he had something medically wrong with him. "They're poems," I said slowly. Thanks for turning the direction somewhere I don't want to go, I thought snidely.

Wufei sighed. Heero, ever the asshole, growled. Like it was either of their business, I thought. Inwardly, I realized that the thought of them knowing anything about me... was absolutely terrifying. I didn't want them to know anything about me. They hated the fake me enough... how would I cope if the two people I respected the most... hated the real me?

Sensitive, I added to that list, and winced in my head. That one sounded... girly.

"Maxwell," Wufei said slowly, as if speaking to a small child, "I meant, what do these poems-"

In a spurt of terror, I snapped, "Are we going to talk about beer and poems this entire trip?"

Wufei looked surprised. I didn't bother to look to see what Heero looked like. "No. But we have enough time to ask a few questions."

"Like where you've been," Heero decided to add.

I tensed. "Obviously I've been around." I waved my arm to indicate the galley and the ship at large. "You've known the basics of where I've been, now haven't you?"

"Why?" Wufei asked, a smarter question but one I still didn't want to answer.

"What about you?" I argued, then dropped the subject. "Do you want to be briefed or not?" Not that I wanted to tell them a damn thing, but if we kept this up then the questions would only get more and more personal.

They both just stared at me. I took that as a yes.

So I told them about the mission specs and what happened at the site. I expected some smart-ass comment about how I should have seen the trap laid out for me, but there were surprisingly no insults. I decided to wait until after the briefing was over. Wufei hissed when I told them about the men around my ship that I took care of.

"Une should interrogate them," Heero said then. "We should get a message about what they said when we land."

I snorted. "You mean whatever information your legal system can get," I smirked. "I already got all the information they can give us."

Both looked unhappy about that. I ignored that, as well. "They didn't know much, just that they were promised a position in the Order of Apocalypse if they killed me." A glare from Wufei that I couldn't shrug off on the inside. "As for the Order of Apocalypse... they said it would be the next generation, the next world, and the revolution. A promise for eternal justice and recognition. And of course, the one who would take them into this revolution is none other than Harlow.

"Their 'revolution' wouldn't bother me in the least if it weren't for the weapons they have."

"They do have them, then?" Wufei asked. Judicial systems. I hated them.

"At least the basics," I confirmed.

"The men?" Heero guessed.

"No. The ship. The men were only equipped with old-time pistols and automatics. Still illegal, I suppose, but not that big a deal. I'm more concerned with the lasers they've put on their ships." My own ship, by the way, was scanning the area around it at all times. I had a feeling it would be doing that for a while.

"Lasers?" Wufei gasped in alarm. "You were chased by a ship equipped with laser cannons?"

"Yes." I glared at him. "Is that enough proof?"

Wufei looked shocked at my reaction. I suppose it _would_ be construed as odd; I usually smiled in front of them no matter what. Well, that was going to change. I wasn't going to use that mask in front of them. I'd had enough of trying to get them to be close to me. Now I would push them away. Now they would know how it felt. If they even cared.

"Yes. That would be enough." Heero's voice was as empty as ever. Cold and calculating. I felt my heart twist. Why did I care so much what this man thought? He'd been nothing but cruel to me since I'd met him. So why...

Why did I fall in love with __him?__

"Good," I said. Then I stood. "I'll let you two do whatever legal shit you have to do. I'm off to bed." I moved to leave, then turned back. "You're room is the second on the right from here. There's only one bed, but we're in zero-g. Just pick a blanket." Then I left the galley.

"Duo!" Wufei came out after me. I had to stop; it would be a bad idea to look churlish, even if I was acting in such a way. I turned to him and was struck again by the emotions I thought I saw in his eyes. "Duo," Wufei started.

"Is this personal?" I asked, hating how dead my voice sounded. I hated how I automatically hid whenever I was around someone. Wasn't that __exactly__ why I had decided to get away from people?

Wufei hesitated. "Yes."

"Then I don't want to hear it." I turned to leave again.

"Duo, wait!" Wufei grabbed my arm. I twisted him off with a quick jerk and turned on him.

"Don't ever touch me again, you son of a bitch!"

I turned at his stunned face and rushed into my room. I couldn't close the door fast enough.

* * *

I wasn't surprised to be awakened by the alarm.

I rushed to my pilot's seat and shouted. "Get in here!" I hadn't needed to; both were coming in. Two ships were coming this time; a greater challenge. "Fuck," I whispered.

"Who is it?" Heero asked as he strapped himself in. Wufei was right beside him, doing the same.

"Two enemies," I told him, then snapped, "shut up!" when he seemed ready to speak again.

"You need a co-pilot," Heero continued stubbornly.

"No," I snapped. Then sent the ship into a twist as the first ship fired. I heard Heero grunt; apparently he'd been about to defy my orders. I smirked. Served him right.

The second fired as I twisted; I had to keep turning my ship. My Wing groaned under the strain. "Come on, baby," I coaxed. She leveled and shot forward, straight toward the enemies. I had to do this perfectly. Perfectly. No fucking problem. Shinigami in overload. In a fit of fuck-all, I turned on my battle music. Godsmack immediately blared from my speakers, shouting about how much he fucking hated someone. I grinned widely and sent my Wing into a corkscrew. "Hold on," I said belatedly. I imagined a chuckle from Wufei's direction.

They were aiming wildly now, trying to hit __anything__ instead of trying to shoot me down. They didn't want me close. I wondered if that other ship had made it back to their base. In any case, they're psychotic aim was just going to make this that much easier.

Dodging their cannons meant turning another corkscrew. Wing was a comparatively small ship, able to dodge quicker than those bulkier machines. It was the reason there were only two bedrooms, the reason I was able to move so quickly.

I yanked my Wing to the right, then dove it down. Or at least, whatever right and down or any fucking direction is out here in space. Their cannons were just a touch out of sync. I had to wait. Damn.

I flew behind them and twisted Wing around in a tight U-turn. I could've sworn I'd seen the tail of my ship.

They're cannons fired again and again, some already off. Those were tricky; I had to make sure I didn't fly into the fuckers.

But just when Disturbed came on to sing about his enemy, their cannons synced. "Yes," I whispered, and flew towards them. I twisted inside to lock closer to them as their beams lit to fire. My ship corkscrewed right between them, almost scraping the one on my left. They fired at the same time – at just the right time. I charged my Wing to get the hell out of there as fast as it could just as they blew each other up.

I let out a war whoop as I exited the scene, finally allowing myself to bounce to the lyrics. I patted the dash and whispered a thank you to my ship. Then I ran a scan on the perimeter. Only when I got a clear signal did I start relaxing. I switched the music to classical and listened to the Devil's Trill as it started its haunted melody. I unbuckled myself and shook my bangs out of my face.

And saw Heero making his way into the co-pilot's seat.

"Get the fuck away from that," I snapped. Dammit. I was tense again.

Heero's eyes were calculating as they stared at me. "Why does the thought of having someone in the co-pilot's seat disturb you so much?"

Let's review this real quick, shall we? I was tense already thanks to the fight. I was tired. I was tense from having them around. I was nervous. I was sad. And I was afraid. I knew all that. I also knew that I had the Shinigami mask on overdrive, not only to deal with them but to deal with the enemies I had just faced. So I reacted on pure instinct based on Shinigami, frustration, and fear.

"It's not the thought of having __someone__ in that seat. It's the thought of having __you__ in that seat."

I felt instantly like a total and complete shit.

I didn't take back the words, though; couldn't open myself like that. I stood then and allowed my body to float in zero-g, free from the straps. I didn't feel nearly as free as I usually did. "I'm going to the galley," I told the air, and made a hasty exit.

I made it there without anyone stopping me. I grabbed a bulb of water and closed my eyes as I sipped. What had I done? What... what was I doing now? I was being just as cruel to them as they had been to me. Sure I felt anger towards them, bitterness...

But doing the same... was that really the answer?

I sighed. I knew the answer to that. But going back... who could I be?

The answer to that was instant, as well: me. Just be me. Do what I want, be who I am.

Why was the thought of doing that so terrifying?

I threw the empty bulb into the incinerator. What did I know about myself? And though I could test what I knew out... were these two the ones I wanted to test it out on? I didn't think so. Not these two who's respect meant so much to me. If they rejected the real me...

I shivered. Best to think about this in the safety of my room.

I turned to leave and almost bumped into Wufei. I spun in the air to avoid him and caught the other side of the wall.

"Maxwell..." Wufei was looking at me with another one of those emotion-filled stares, full of concern and worry. I couldn't look at him. My gaze fell to the floor. I pushed off and sailed past him. "Wait! Maxwell..."

I didn't wait this time. I moved to my room and keyed in the password with fingers that wanted to shake. When the door finally started opening, I moved in and hit the button for it to close before it had even half-way opened.

Finally safe, at least for the moment, I sailed to my blanket and my pillow, grabbed them both and pulled them around me. I buried my face in my pillow, smelled my own scent. I hugged it to me and fought back the stinging feel of tears.

* * *

* * *

This time my sleep was uninterrupted – a cause for concern more than relief. The extra time meant the enemy was preparing a new strategy. Bad.

I had a bathroom connected to my room; I took advantage. It's all quite different from Earth or colony bathrooms in mechanisms, but they look the same – more for comfort than necessity, I suppose. There was no way a toilet on Earth would work the same in space. It was hilarious to think about it, though.

I sobered up quickly, though. The thought of going out there, of facing my mistakes – __again__ – was humiliating. Then the thought of trying again, of not only apologizing – which was only right – but then trying to be myself around them... I wanted to hide in my room.

On that thought, I forcefully made myself leave.

The hall was clear, the ship silent. I wondered if they were asleep. I almost breathed a sigh of relief, but really? It's somehow worse to not be able to just apologize and get it the hell over with. Waiting was going to be hell.

I looked at the poems on the walls, wondered how many had already been read and analyzed. The small stanza Wufei had read soon after boarding was still there, glistening on the blades of grass. There were more, infinitely more. At least one hundred poems littered these walls. How many had they already read? How many would they? All of the poems bare a part of me for the world to see. These poems could show them everything I never wanted them to see.

I shivered at the thought.

Of course, if I looked at them all clinically, what would I find? I already knew they told something about me – my insecurities, my dreams, my fears. If I studied these poems, would I get closer to finding the true me?

The only problem with __that__ was that I couldn't look at them clinically. Hell, some of them I couldn't even understand. I'd read them over and over again and still couldn't comprehend them. Or, if I did, I had no idea how it could possibly have anything to do with me.

The war stanza... that one was obvious. But "Poisoned Lies"? I mean, yeah, I was loyal to the point of being ridiculously foolish, but... I had never had a lover. Never. Everyone thinks I'm a slut, or that I sold myself. The truth is, I never had the guts. I saw what happened to whores in L2. I had been terrified of that happening to me.

It almost had... once... but that was minor and had nothing to do with betrayal.

And there was one... one I had memorized because of how many times I'd read it. But... no matter how many times I analyzed it... it made absolutely no sense.

That one, thankfully, was hidden in my room.

But all these others... that one, speaking of love, that one, speaking of sorrow. That stanza, speaking to no one in particular... how many have they read?

I sighed. There was no use in worrying about it. They would have more than enough time to read these – we had another day's wait before reaching L2, and even then it would be safer to stay on-board... then searching other places, because the chances of Jack Harlow actually __being__ there were practically nonexistent... yep. Plenty of fucking time.

I touched one of the poems as I slowly floated to the galley. I knew it wasn't right to act cruelly to these two, and I certainly didn't want to act as the jester anymore. I wanted to be me... didn't I? But if I wanted to be me so badly, why did the thought of being me scare me so much?

Well, goddammit, if I __was__ scared of it, then I would just have to face it and just break the fucking thing. I wouldn't run. Duo Maxwell doesn't run or hide anymore.

I almost laughed at that. Bullshit.

I thought about Heero then as I hadn't truly allowed myself since I'd seen him. He had roughened out those still-young edges. He was lean still, as muscular as he had been – maybe more so. His hair was still too long, too wild. Still that deep, chocolate brown. His eyes hadn't changed, either. Still cold and cruel... still that intoxicating cobalt, deep enough to rival oceans. He was a bit more tan, still light but certainly darker than me – me, who had clung to shadows and abandoned the sun.

He was still beautiful. Still that deadly angel. Still that god.

And I... I was Shinigami. He of death, destruction... and darkness.

Stupid poetic bullshit popping into my head. Death, Destruction, Darkness. Damn alliteration.

I floated into the galley berating that damn poet in my head and stopped short. Wufei, too, stopped drinking from his bulb and stared at me.

I broke contact to try to hide the blush that was creeping up my neck. I hadn't been prepared to do it now, after having thought the both of them asleep. It was difficult all over again, thinking about confronting both them and my own cruelty. I grabbed a bulb and quickly took a deep gulp.

"Maxwell..."

"Sorry," I humphed out, unable to look him in the eye. It was only right that I did, but... dammit, it was humiliating. "I've been... rude. I apologize."

There was silence from Wufei's side of the room... conversational ball rolling... rolling... stopped mid-fall. Clunk. I took another gulp of juice.

"I understand," Wufei said softly. I looked at him from the corner of my eye. He wasn't looking at me, but instead at that stanza that spoke to no one. I looked at it as well, already knowing how it read...

 _ _Do you feel the pain of a lover's lies__  
And of dreams that are left bare?  
Do you feel the pain of a lover's ire-  
Do you wish you couldn't care

"What's it called?" Wufei murmured. I started. He was looking at me. I hadn't even noticed. I looked away from him. How did he know that I had named every singly one of these poems? More importantly... why did he care?

But I __did__ owe him... for how I had acted. I supposed I could at least answer this question. "'My Friend, I Question'," I answered. That one I only partly understood – the part about pain and wishing one couldn't care. However... why did I write about lovers? Was it merely because it's easiest to understand those emotions when it came to lovers? Why was that?

"I see," Wufei said, his voice still soft. "Duo, why...?"

"Why what?" I asked agitatedly. Not for the first time, I wished vehemently for alcohol – exactly why I never kept any. The thought of having liquor at any point in time was too dangerous.

"Why..." Wufei hesitated. "Why are you a bounty hunter?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I snorted. "I'm doing what you and your system can't – I'm stopping the enemy."

Wufei's eyes flashed, but they cooled quickly enough. Wufei would know better than most just how limited the system was.

"It's not the answer."

"Isn't it?" I countered. "Are you guys doing such a great job that you don't need me?"

Wufei could say nothing to that. "What you're doing is illegal."

"Then arrest me," I advised, a smirk forming on my face despite my best efforts. I fought it with everything I had. It was hard... so hard to give him a face that wasn't automatic... wasn't just for show. So hard... dammit!

Wufei sighed. "Maxwell..."

I shook my head. "We'll disagree until the end of time. This conversation is completely pointless – I won't talk about it anymore." I threw my empty bulb in the incinerator and began to leave the room.

"Wait!" I turned to Wufei, who had made no effort to chase after me. He apparently thought I wouldn't wait. I cursed my poor attitude to a depth-less hell. "What... What do these poems mean?"

Again with the poems. Dammit. "How should I know?" I returned, and left the room.

* * *

It was for no reason whatsoever that I found myself sitting in the pilot's seat staring at that poem full of broken wings. I hadn't meant to go there. I hadn't meant, after realizing where I was, to stay. But before I knew it, I was just sitting in that chair staring at that damn poem. I wanted to scratch each and every one of them off the walls. I wanted to peel them away and just show, for one short second, what part of me wrote them. And then I wanted them to disappear into nothing. To just leave the walls bare once again. It would be worth having to painstakingly repaint the entire damn ship just to be able to do that right that second. I would gratefully stare at gray walls this entire mission. Damn poems.

The hallway was quiet; if Wufei was out there, he was keeping his mouth shut – not at all odd for him, but something I used to find uncomfortable. The Jester can't hide without noise, after all.

I sighed and closed my eyes. The Jester, Shinigami... these were masks I used without thinking, ways I hid without actually hiding. The true me... certainly a __part__ of me was in these masks... but how much? And why did I hide as Shinigami when the enemy can't see me?

I have to hide from myself when I fight. That was a simple question to answer. The rest... why the Jester? Why couldn't I just look as dead as Heero always was? Why...?

But that answer was easy, too. I knew what it was like to be ignored, to be hated for no reason other than how I look or where I come from or... or what people expect me to be like. Why push that on others when I hated it being pushed on me? That would be unnecessarily cruel... and hypocritical. So I was the Jester.

Knowing all this... knowing this was showing that I was learning about myself. Slowly but surely, I was seeing more and more of myself than before. That meant all of this was working, didn't it? So why was it that I still felt so lost?

I felt his presence almost before he entered the cockpit. I opened my eyes and looked at Heero.

He floated there, easily clasping one of the handles on the wall. His hair was in wild disarray, as it always was. It swayed slightly, testimony to his entrance into the cockpit. His eyes, as steady and strong as always, penetrated me. Just looking into them took my breath away. Made me ache.

Knowing my eyes might be revealing too much, I looked away for a moment. To say what I had to, I needed to close my eyes. Knowing he was silently watching, waiting... knowing what I was going to say... damn Wufei had probably told him. He was waiting to hear it. No censure. No... anything. Just waiting. I needed to take a slow, deep breath. "I'm... sorry... for the way I spoke to you yesterday. I was rude to you for no reason... I apologize." Painful to admit it, more painful to wait.

But Heero did nothing, said nothing. Just continued to stay in one place and look at me. I garnered the courage to look at him and saw a thoughtful expression on his face. Thoughtful – obviously thoughtful, not closed off or cold or cruel. Thoughtful. For one instant, small and surreal, I thought those eyes could never be so cruel as to glare. I chased it away just as the pain inside started to grow.

Then, before my eyes, the emotions disappeared once again. "Accepted." Heero turned gracefully and exited the cockpit.

My fists clenched; my heart tore. Stupid. That bastard. Why did he show me that? Why did he spread this hope within me? How could he be so cruel as to show me those blue eyes full of emotion and truth... why bother if he's just going to cut me down again?

"Shit," I whispered, and fled to my room. Without thinking, without conscious effort whatsoever... my hands reached for the red paint.

* * *

 _ _So I saw my own reflection  
____In a shadow down the hall__  
A shadow hidden deep within  
The crevices I saw

 _ _The crevices were dark and deep__  
Like a lake or ness or pool  
Hidden in a moonless sleep  
And visited by fools

 _ _So do I lay, this shadow me__  
As if a monster freak  
A dark unsightly demon, see,  
Yet it is small and weak

 _ _It huddles in the darkness__  
As if to huddle is to hide  
But the darkness has devoured my wish  
It's too late when I'm inside

I stared at the drying words and knew the name of this poem in an instant: "Silhouette." __Incredible,__ I thought. I hadn't even thought about it. Hadn't considered it. One moment I'm wishing to tear down every unsightly poem I'd ever written... the next I'm writing a new one.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked the air. The paints were carefully locked down again – I hadn't realized until just now how used to painting in zero-g my body had become. Without thought, without effort, I had created another poem.

The room smelled of paint and sorrow. The poem, as always, drew me in. I could feel the emotions of it, released from within onto the walls. Those words held within them a piece of me, immortalized through time.

I smiled softly. There I go again, the poet within me. Why does that part of me bother to show itself? Why did it exist? How did it exist?

So many questions, I thought. And yet I still had yet to find enough answers to prevent the questions from growing and growing.

I still had time. I could look at that poem and realize that I still had time, if all went well. I wanted that time. I wanted to be able to break myself apart piece by piece and then put myself back together so that those pieces fit better. Jack Harlow was trying to steal that time away from me.

I wouldn't let him.

"So do I lay," I whispered, and left my room.

* * *

My mouth had begun to drool as soon as I opened my door – unsurprising, seeing as Wufei had apparently been cooking something in my absence. I didn't know the food I had on-board could smell that good.

The plates and bulbs were locked onto the table when I entered. I stared at those plates, clean mostly because they were never used, and then looked at Wufei as he checked the cooker. Heero was going through the locked cabinets, supposedly checking for more available meals. He was naming off what he saw as he looked. Both turned when I entered.

"Don't stop on my account," I said, then silently berated myself. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"Well, Maxwell," Wufei said, "We are trying to cook – a difficult feat with the available... amenities."

"Then you should have brought your own food," I sniffed, practically slobbering all over the ship. There was no way the food I had could smell __that__ wonderful.

"We would have if we'd known this was all you ate," Heero retorted, looking in one of my many ration bar cabinets.

"It's healthy," I snapped. "Healthy things are __supposed__ to be nasty."

"No," Wufei argued, "they're supposed to be rich in nutrients. They do not necessarily have to be nasty."

I ignored that. How to explain that food was usually just a necessity? That food did not need to taste good to be good enough? As long as it supplied fuel for my body, I didn't care about anything else.

Heero finished listing everything off and turned to me. "Dinner will be ready in an hour."

I hitched up an eyebrow – dinner? There was no time for us spacers, especially out in space. Dinner meant nothing to me... never had. Food was ready when food was ready. I wondered how Heero had always thought of food. Maybe he was used to schedules.

I nodded my understanding and left the room. I went to the cockpit and checked the radar, then looked at the "time". It was around nine at night, depending on what area of Earth you compared to. According to L2, the time read 9:27. An hour would make it 10:27. Pretty late dinner.

Had they been waiting for me?

Stupid thought. They were probably only feeding me because for one thing, it was __my__ food, and for another, I had happened to come out while they were cooking. I would be just as satisfied with a ration bar.

And the thought of dinner conversation... oh, shoot me now.

I stared at that poem again, trying again to make it disappear by will alone. And then, again without conscious effort... I touched it. Ran my hand over it. Ran my hand along those lines that asked forgiveness for something the winged creature couldn't help. Not for the first time, I wondered why I thought of it that way. Of Heero as an angel, able to ascend to the heavens... while I, Shinigami, was trapped on Earth and forced to enter Hell.

Oh, I wasn't so naïve as to think that Heero's hands weren't bloodstained. The two of us had shared battlefields together, after all. But for some reason, he seemed like such a higher being... if only because he hadn't lied to himself while doing it. And he'd fought for peace. What had I fought for? At the time, I had thought that I fought for justice, to make certain that no child ever again became an orphan. But in fighting that war, I had created orphans. I had killed parents, brothers, sisters, friends, children. And so what had I truly been fighting for? Peace? No, nothing so... holy. Revenge. I fought for revenge, for those I had seen die thanks to that goddamn war. I had fought for that. And so... Heero was holier than me. Better than me. Let alone stronger than me.

I smiled at that, but the smile was empty.

I let my hand fall. There was nothing here in this room. No answers in those dry red words.

I felt his presence again, right outside the cockpit door. I didn't jump away from the poem like I might have at some other point in time, trying to cover up what I was doing. I don't know why I didn't – I just didn't feel like pretending anything at that moment. Heero had that strange speculative look in his eyes again. It brought a flash of pain, but I didn't flinch from it. Maybe I was getting used to it. I clung to that hope.

When Heero finally spoke, his voice was oddly soft. Almost... reverent. "Who is it written to?"

I released a humorless chuckle and shook my head. "Doesn't matter," I answered, my voice lacking reverence and sounding more... dull. "They'll never know."

"Why?" Heero asked, his brows furrowing. Like it was my duty to tell someone I cared for so deeply all about my feelings. Like it was any of his business. I swallowed down the laugh that wanted to bubble up at that – I knew it would sound slightly... hysterical.

"Because they'll never accept."

"How do you know?" Heero asked, pressing. Bastard. Strangely... I wasn't angry. The line of questioning left no room for emotions.

Instead, I found myself smiling softly, though there was nothing to smile about. An old, automatic attempt at the Jester. "Because I know him."

Heero stood in shock. I didn't wait for Heero to adjust to the idea of me being gay; I exited as quickly as I could. I heard him turn around to watch me. Felt his eyes on me, staring at me as I entered my password and entered my room. I didn't feel safe even after closing the door behind me.

* * *

Dinner was absolutely dismal.

Don't get me wrong. The food was excellent. Wufei had always been a good cook. Of course, gravity had to be turned on to eat, but it was an easy adjustment and one I was fairly used to. I did cook on my own every once in a while.

But sitting at that table with Heero and Wufei was akin to the worst torture I had ever endured in my life – and let me assure you that I had endured plenty of fucking torture.

Heero was silent, ignoring me totally and completely. Not unusual to begin with, but seemingly more intense since he had learned my big, bad secret. Wufei, unlike Heero, was shooting not-so-covert glances at me. Apparently Helpful Heero had informed Wufei of my homosexuality. I thought of Wufei's strong sense of black and white and wanted to scream. This, more than anything else, would condemn me in his eyes.

Tension rolled over every single bite of the casserole Wufei had created out of green beans and onion rings and cream of mushroom soup. He had helpfully written the recipe for me. The food was wonderful, but I wondered if I would ever make it. The memory of the tension in the room made the thought unappealing.

It was miserable to sit in silence with that tension. And then politeness demanded that I wait for them to finish so I could clean up. I sat sipping my bulb of juice and tried to look invisible.

Eventually, it worked. Heero turned to Wufei and began talking about someone from work, effectively shutting me out. Apparently the guy had been a mole or a groundhog or whatever they called people who ratted out their department. I never cared for the slang – I always just called them motherfuckers.

I cleaned the plates when they were done, saying that it was my job to clean since they cooked. Wufei made a jab about my lack of cooking skills, which fell flat on my side because, dammit, I was in a bad mood and I was kind of being a martyr. Not to mention the fact that the joke made me think of my background on the streets and how the idea of cooking food was ridiculous. I would be thrilled to have any food, cooked, uncooked, overcooked, or moldy. As long as it was even remotely edible. Then I thought of what Wufei's past might have been like, growing up with a colony of friends and money and... and a home. And I thought that of course __he__ would know how to cook. He might have even been taught by someone. Wufei could never understand that a part of me would forever think of that as a luxury.

So the proverbial conversational ball deflated on my side of the court and Wufei just went the hell away. Heero, of course, decided to stay behind but really? Why the hell not – this week was already shot, as was the foreseeable future. Might as well get the torture rolling.

I had to give him credit – he kept his sorry mouth shut until I finished washing about half the dishes. I was actually beginning to hope that he would either leave or just stare at me until I finished, at which point I could fucking leave. Again; how naïve of me.

And I should have known this humiliating question would be in among all the damn questions that would be asked. I guess a part of me just hoped – or maybe I couldn't believe Heero would give a rat's ass.

"Who is this guy?"

Shit, shit, shit. How to evade without lying? How how how how how...

"It doesn't matter."

I was stalling. I knew damn well that Heero would press that one. Heero always pressed when I didn't want him to.

Or maybe, secretly... a part of me did want him to.

"Bullshit." Heero's voice was firm. "That poem... matters."

"Since when have you been the empathetic type?" I asked bitterly.

Heero was silent for a time. "About two years ago," he admitted. "When Quatre got in my face and demanded I get the 'fucking dildo out of my ass'."

I couldn't help the shocked guffaw that sneaked out of my traitorous mouth. "Quatre said __what?"__ I let it go and just laughed for a moment. The picture the thought gave me was enough to make me bust my appendix.

I thought I heard a smile in Heero's voice. "I had been a... pain... to be around before that."

"No shit?" I blurted, then shut the hell up. Apparently I had missed a lot more than I had thought... the guys had all matured and gravitated to each other... without me. Damn those last two words. How dare they leak into my head like that. They were all best friends now... had all become... so much stronger... emotionally.

Like they had waited for me to leave so that they could become better without me. Like I'd been holding them back.

I closed my eyes as the machine dried the dishes. Incredible. I was so incredibly... pathetic. I winced inwardly – that adjective was just painful. I stared blindly at the dishes. To get those dishes clean, you had to sacrifice the mess – the food, the dust, the dirt. Was I that wasted food, that dust and dirt? Were the guys...?

I wanted to hit myself. This thinking wouldn't help me.

"So who was he?" Like a dog with a goddamn bone.

"Is," I corrected thoughtlessly. "He's not dead."

Heero hesitated. "Do I know him?"

I shrugged. "Probably."

Heero shifted, apparently a bit uncomfortable with the conversation. Well, I thought, it was his own fucking problem. He'd brought the fucking subject up, after all. "What's his name?"

The machine stopped, and I took the chance to busy myself while thinking of a suitable answer. A flitting thought crossed my mind – __why am I even trying to answer__ – but I didn't have an answer and yet couldn't bring myself to snap at Heero or ignore him, so I merely used an obvious evasion.

"Why do you want to know?"

Heero hesitated on that one. He knew it was an evasion, but short of blatantly ignoring it and thus potentially humiliating himself, he could avoid answering in some way. It made locking the dishes in their cabinet... quieter. I flinched slightly whenever the dishes clinked together. It was extremely loud in the silence, even though my music was still playing softly throughout the ship.

And the alarm sounded.

I heard Heero curse even as I flew to the cockpit. Heero was only half a pace behind me.

Wufei came out of the guest room as we passed. I vaulted off the wall and somersaulted into my pilot's seat, strapping myself in. Heero came up to the front, looking determined.

"Don't even try it," I warned as I pulled up my scanners. "I'll fucking shoot you." I pulled out the pistol holstered on my seat. Heero hesitated, then went to the back and strapped himself in.

I saw what was coming and was too shocked to even curse for a moment. Then a litany of all the swear words I'd ever heard in my life began popping out of my mouth.

"What is it?" Wufei asked.

"Four," I said tersely, and got to hear them curse, too.

I had about three minutes to get things ready. "Are either of you in practice with going out-ship?" I demanded.

"I am," Heero said, his voice clipped.

"I have a suit in the hold back there," I said, nodding behind me to indicate the small door directly behind the passenger seats. "Can you get in one in about two minutes?"

"Yes."

I didn't hesitate, though I wanted to; I didn't want to rely on someone. I didn't want to stick Heero out in the thick of the danger. I didn't want to think about him going out there and trying desperately to hold on as I dodged lasers that, if one even came too close to the ship... would fry him into a crisp. For the first time since I started training with Doctor G... my palms began to sweat.

"I have a small cannon in there, as well," I said, forcing my mind blank. Silently begging Shinigami to fucking come and save me from my own fears. I felt him in me, trying to take over... felt my own fear fend him off. Dammit!

Heero was already dressing, Wufei helping him into his straps. I put the four ships on full-view and clenched my teeth. __Dammit, I have no choice but to trust you, Shinigami. If I fuck this up because of my fear... if I hesitate, it will mean Heero's death!__

I felt Shinigami slide himself into place in my soul and stared at the enemy. "Let's go," I whispered, the maniacal grin sliding into its usual place. My palms dried, my thoughts cleared. "Get moving," I ordered, and shot myself straight into the jaws of death with a Shinigami smile.

* * *

* * *

Heero did indeed manage to get his suit on in two minutes, though he cut it damn close. I actually heard him curse once when he had to grab a handle when I made a sharp dive. I didn't waste the time for an apology.

He had the weapon quickly, too. I felt my heart stop for a short instant before I okayed his outship clearance. Wufei made an irritated comment about not being allowed to get in the co-pilot's seat to help. I had no time for a retort, though I was very sorely tempted.

The enemies were good. Damn good. I'll admit that in a heartbeat. They seemed like they'd practiced with their cannons. They didn't panic. They didn't miss in their aiming.

And there were four of them. Can't fucking forget that.

Though I might have been a little put off by this alone, the thought of Heero being out there, of his life depending on mine, made it so that I didn't even think about losing.

The beams were constant in their randomness. The enemy didn't sit on the trigger. They waited. Aimed. I would finish another fuel-killing corkscrew and try to shoot away, only to have another beam heading straight for my cockpit. Wufei did help a bit – after another corkscrew, he turned on my rock music and blasted up the volume. "That should help," he muttered. "You used to listen to music when you fought in Deathscythe, too."

Oddly, I was hurt more than warmed. I shoved emotion aside, grunted, and dodged another attack. I grinned at Andrew WK's "Ready to Die." It made me just that millisecond faster.

"Yuy reporting," I got, and shouted to him.

"Ready?"

"Yes," he stated. Man of many words, my dear friend Heero.

I humphed. "Their all yours."

"I need to be as close as possible."

"Really?" I muttered under my breath, irritated that he thought he needed to tell me that. I shot the ship in a psychotic zigzag, like a drugged old lady driving her wheelchair while high on hallucinogens.

I felt my heart skip a beat when a laser came within ten meters of the ship.

Remember, kiddies... we're in space. Ten meters is spitting distance.

Yuy called out his coordinates then, effectively telling me that he was far enough away from the blast. I kicked Shinigami into high gear. "Come on, baby," I coaxed thoughtlessly. "Don't let him die. Do whatever you have to – just don't let him die. Corkscrew," I warned, flipping the ship. "Again," I said tersely.

It shouldn't have surprised me to see the laser shoot out while I was still turning, but it did. I almost messed up the spin. One ship blew up.

Heero had aimed for the cockpit.

I grinned maniacally. Preventor or not, self-defense and training equaled to killing the enemy. Besides, a slow death out in space was just cruel.

One down, three to go. Element of surprise: gone.

The ships went in a frenzy. The careful aim went a bit skewed. Wufei helpfully turned up the volume.

"Loop." Difficult to do without an up or down, dammit. "Corkscrew." Gotta move my ass. "Again." Couldn't let those lasers get close. Heero. Heero's life depended on my not fucking up. "Dip. Left. Corkscrew."

Another laser fired, delightedly on-target. Wufei hissed a sound of triumph, but I was too busy maneuvering away from the remaining two ships. Apparently an unknown someone figured out that getting closer would help them, too. They'd probably locked onto Heero by now.

I ignored the wave of terror that stuck in my breast. No time for fear. Only Shinigami. Only room for Shinigami. "Rise. Right. Left. Right." The zigzagging came again, but then- "dip."

Another laser shot out from the side of my ship, but I had to dodge an attack aimed for Heero, and that messed up his aim. Only a tiny portion of that beam hit. Not enough.

About five more beams left in that cannon. Only one other cannon available. Bad if another enemy attack came. And then another. Or another.

"Rise. Continue. Ninety degrees." As if there were an 'up', I went straight upwards, like a rocket.

Heero managed another shot, this time without my need to dodge. Direct hit.

"Right," I said grimly. I heard, even over my damn loud music, Heero grunt in an effort to keep himself firm. Those magnets on his suit better be fucking excellent, because they were getting more than enough exercise – as were Heero's legs.

No time for fear or worry. Had to keep moving. "Loop. Again." I could swear I heard Wing groan.

It hit me then what a bad name for my ship Demon's Wing was; the nickname 'Wing' was far too much like Heero's Gundam. Maybe that had been subconsciously deliberate.

If something done subconsciously could be 'deliberate.'

"Dip left." I curved the ship as I dipped 'down'. Only one ship left. A helluva lot easier to dodge. "Right."

Heero fired one last time; the vacuum of space momentarily lit, then the light was gone.

I called up a search of the vicinity immediately. When it checked out as clear, I relayed the information to Heero.

"Affirmative," was all he replied. I have no idea why it made reaction set in.

I closed my eyes as Disturbed screamed about voices and let Draiman's rage hide my own fear. I'd just met Heero again for the first time in three years and I'd almost gotten him killed. What the hell was I doing?

My fault. If I'd gotten Jack Harlow to begin with... if I'd only figured out what the fuck was going on... I'd been dumb. Reckless. Stupid. And now, because of my stupidity, Heero was in danger. Because of me.

If anything happened to Heero, how would I be able to face myself? Because I'd wanted to find myself, because I'd wanted to be alone, because I'd wanted to be the anonymous hero taking care of all the baddies, because I hadn't been able to get rid of Shinigami, I'd managed to get Heero caught up in a mess beyond anything he should see, even in the Preventors. There should be a lot of back-up for him. Safety. The hell he'd be on a ship alone with only two other passengers, and he sure as hell wouldn't be out-ship firing a puny hand-held beam cannon at four ships.

My God. What if I'd messed up? What if I'd frozen? What if I'd lost Shinigami? That time when I hesitated – what if I hadn't been so damn lucky?

Speaking of lucky... since when had I been lucky? I knew, without a doubt, that I would have to pay up for that one moment. And when I did...

Heero made it back inside, but only after telling me that he was again prepared to board. I quickly opened the hatch for him, waiting with tense breath for Heero to be able to get all the way back inside. Was he hurt? Had he lied and been burned? __Had__ I harmed Heero in some way? __Had__ I screwed up?

But when Heero walked in carrying his suit, he was fine. Sweaty, obviously a bit tired. But fine.

I finally smiled and let out a war whoop, shutting off Dope's screams for someone to die. "Hot damn!" I cried. "How you holdin' up, Heero?" I hoped the concern in my voice wasn't as obvious to everyone else as it was to me.

"Fine." __At least it was an answer__ , I mused as Heero replaced the suit and the cannon. "There shouldn't be any more before we reach L2."

"Yeah. I'll get some more weapons when we land."

Wufei entered the conversation with a sarcastic huff. "And just how will you do that?" Meaning, of course, that weapons were illegal and therefore impossible to obtain. I didn't know Wufei could be that naïve.

"I know a guy," I said breezily. "Ever since I caught him, he only sells to me."

"How do you know that?" Heero asked, his voice sharp. Condescending. So, he still thought of me as an idiot. That was... painful. And irritating.

"Oh, I know." I showed off a short Shinigami smile. "Besides," I added, continuing to keep my voice light, "I keep him under tight surveillance."

"Why don't you arrest him?" Wufei asked. I wondered if his sense of honor was taking a hit.

"Well, it's a good thing I didn't, isn't it?" I snapped, irritated and already high-strung thanks to the fight. "I thought I would need his weapons someday. And lookie where we are – needing his help. Go figure."

I jumped out of my seat. Enough with this. I needed to be the hell alone. Coming down off a high was usually bad enough, but with the added fear, fuck it. I would lick my wounds in peace and to hell with them both.

Wufei made a warning sound, but oddly it wasn't directed toward me. I made it out of the cockpit without anyone trying to stop me. I wished desperately for a beer, then was immediately glad that I didn't have any. Falling into a drunken stupor would be extremely bad. __Extremely__ bad.

I keyed the password into my room and gratefully plopped onto my bed. Precious bed. Why would anyone leave you?

It was only then that I realized that I had kept zero-g off and that I could still clearly hear my music. And, faintly above the music, Heero's and Wufei's voices raised in argument.

Great. I'd gotten the two friends fighting.

It was in me to go out and apologize, but I just didn't feel like it. And really, it wasn't my damn fault they were fighting. They were full-grown, mature adults. They should be able to handle themselves.

I wanted a bath A nice, long bath to soak away the sweat and the fears. I made do with a quick shower.

* * *

After spending merely ten minutes in shower soaking and cleaning, I came back out of my room dressed in jeans that were worn at the knee and a t-shirt with grease stains. No one could say I was trying to dress up.

My hair, already carefully braided, hung down past my thighs. I'd let it grow another couple of inches longer. It acted as my only visual fragility. My eyes, still that startling amethyst, were still wide, still long-lashed. But my mouth had become just that bit firmer, my cheekbones just that bit more austere. I hated that my looks were still girly. I had thought, for one minute, alone and fighting a need to drink, of cutting it. Then I'd stabbed the idea under my thumb. Solo had loved my hair. Helen had cared for it. Cutting it would be like cutting away the memories, those precious ones that made me smile instead of turn away.

The galley, unexpectedly, was already occupied. I winced to see both Wufei and Heero inside, obviously ignoring each other. There was a tension between them that said plainly that the argument wasn't quite over.

I almost sailed to the drink bulbs before realizing my feet were still firmly on the ground. I sighed and walked calmly behind Wufei to grab a juice bulb. "So," I started, my voice light, "I'll be getting weapons while you two...?" I looked at them expectantly. "Or do you need me to babysit?"

Damn the Jester.

Wufei and Heero both tensed like I'd shot at them. "We'll check out the base," Heero said.

I made a rude noise similar to the 'wrong' bell of a trivia game. "No way you're doing that without me. And I'm not letting you come with me to my friends' place. You're fancy cops, pretty much." I grinned. "Why don't you take care of the guys that are bound to be there?"

Wufei snorted. "That would leave us bored for how long?" he asked.

I sometimes wondered just where the hell he'd gotten that sense of humor. "Entertain yourselves," I advised. I moved over to the other side, studiously ignoring Heero's body heat, and grabbed a military ration. I'd managed to get it out of its cellophane wrapping and in front of my mouth before Heero made a disgusted sound.

"Duo," Wufei admonished, "how the hell do you eat that?"

"You need lessons?" I said waspishly. "Mastication's involved," I hinted. "And swallowing. That's necessary. After that I don't give a damn how it works because I don't have to worry about it."

Heero snorted. "He meant," and here he spoke as if I was an extremely special case, "how can you eat something reminiscent of shit?"

"You've compared?"

Wufei was hardly able to cover his chuckle with a cough. "Yes, Yuy, have you?"

Heero glared at his partner. "Thanks for the back-up," he stated sarcastically.

This started a full-blown sarcasm battle between the two that made me stare in awe. They really had connected. And without me.

I fought down the bitterness and finished off my ration bar. It was stupid of me to be jealous. I'd chosen my own path, and it had been one I had to travel alone.

Still...

It was extremely hard to admit that I'd tried damn hard to make them a group, during the war and after it. I'd brought myself to colonies where I'd known the guys were. What had I looked like? A pathetic baby who couldn't stand to be on his own. And here I was again, traveling with two guys who couldn't care less about me but cared too damn much about their missions. Since their mission was to protect me along with taking down Harlow...

I threw my trash in the incinerator and just stood for a moment. Unbelievable. They were yelling down each other's throats, but in their eyes were gleams not of anger, but challenge. And humor.

Well, they'd bounced right back after the war, hadn't they?

I left quietly, making certain I didn't make a sound.

My music had been turned down and changed. I winced at the sound of Shinedown's '.45.' Whoever had helpfully changed the folder of music, they'd changed it to 'Thoughts' – the wrong fucking one.

I switched it to Disney and smiled at Aladdin's 'Prince Ali'. I turned up the music a bit, singing the words, and turned on the zero-g.

It was habit that had me crossing to the poem dictating my unrequited love for Heero Yuy. Habit that had me touching the blood-red words.

"He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies; they bow to his whim-"

"Duo."

I turned to Heero's voice without thought. "Debate over?"

"We've agreed that I haven't eaten shit before," he said easily, shocking me. There it was again – that easy humor. Where the hell had he gotten that?

"Since he had no support to back up his claim and had failed to read you your Miranda rights?" I turned back to the poem.

I felt something sprint up my spine at Heero's laughter. Damn, but he had the kind of chuckle that could talk straight to a guy's groin. "Something like that," he agreed.

I ended up giving him one of his own noncommittal noises and stepped away from the poem to check the radar. It didn't pass my notice that the player had switched from "Prince Ali" to "Reflections" from Mulan. I could have cursed.

"You switched the music," Heero noticed. Damn his astuteness. Smart bastard.

"Yeah. Figured I'd lighten the moment." I recognized the tone of the Jester and grimaced. Hiding again.

"Lighten the moment?" Heero came up beside me, checking the music on my computer. I narrowed my eyes at the ease – he'd been the one to switch the folders. "So 'Thoughts' isn't a light mood, but 'Disney' is?" Despite him adding that lift to the end that made it a question, I got the distinct impression that he was talking to himself – noting the severity of the songs in the folders with that brilliant mind of his.

"Haven't you heard of those old kid's movies by Walt Disney?"

Heero cocked his head to the side. "No. I've never watched a kid's movie."

I winced. Maybe that hadn't been the best question to ask. "I saw one once at the orphanage – 'Lady and the Tramp.' I looked for more once the war ended. I've never been able to find that one again." Why the hell was I telling him this?

"I see." He looked at the variety of folders – Thoughts, Disney, Battle, Dream, Hope, Joy. He opened the list and scanned through the songs.

I tried to ignore it, but there was nothing more for me to check. Why did it bother me to see him going through my music? Probably because I listened to the lyrics. The songs I liked spoke to me in either one way or another.

He left 'Joy' and entered 'Forsaken Wings.' I hissed. "Would you stop that?" I snapped. Shit. Now he knew that what he was looking at was important. But of course he did – it was named similarly to the godforsaken poem.

Heero looked at me with his intense cobalt gaze. "What are you hiding?"

To evade effectively, I had to look away. "We're all hiding something."

Heero said nothing to that, but I could feel his eyes on me for a long time. Then I heard the tell-tale double-click.

I swiveled back to him. "Dammit, Heero-"

I stopped short when I heard the intro of the song he'd just started.

'You're in Love' by Wilson Phillips. I snapped. Why? I'll tell you why – because this goddamn song makes me weepy. Everyone shut the fuck up.

I swore right then that if I cried, I was going to kill Heero Yuy.

"Open the door and come in. I'm so glad to see you, my friend. Don't know how long it's been – having those feelings again. And now I see that you're so happy, and ooh, it just sets me free-"

"Goddammit," I roared, shutting off the music altogether. "You son of a bitch!" I felt strange without my music, as if all of my thoughts were creeping up to me in the silence. I wished desperately that I could be completely alone. I felt the need to scream. Loudly. "Don't play shit like that randomly!"

Heero just stared at me, wide-eyed.

Well, that wasn't going to calm me down, despite making me feel like a fucking idiot. Or maybe because of it. I may have instigated it during the war, but I sincerely hated being thought of as an idiot. At least by these guys.

"Fucking hell," I continued, "you hated me __touching__ your all-precious laptop, and here you are fucking with my ship!" I specifically did not call my ship 'Wing.' "What the hell?"

Heero winced at that, and that was when I started feeling like an asshole. Couldn't I at least __pick__ a mask if I was going to hide?

I calmed my hyperventilated breathing and closed my eyes. I tried not to think of Wufei hearing this.

He couldn't know how much more that song hurt with him standing right in front of me. __"Open the door and come in."__ Jesus.

"It reminds you of him."

I almost ran from the room. I almost threw my hands in the air, screamed bloody murder, and ran from the fucking room. I will never know what kept me there, but maybe... maybe it was the trace of sadness I imagined I heard in Heero's voice?

I shrugged in answer.

"Duo, who is he?"

"Someone you know," I snapped, turning away from him. My eyes caught on that damn poem. I wanted to rip the entire segment of the wall off. Vacuum be damned.

"Is it... is it Wufei?"

I think I choked on my own spit. I coughed and wheezed. What? Wufei? Was the idiot fucking serious? Was he really that goddamn oblivious? Did he need a neon sign? I had practically blurted out that it was him and-

Heero's hand slapped against my back, trying to help me breathe. That feeling spread through me and centered in my dick. Heero's hand on me was more than I had allowed myself to think I'd feel again. It was an effort, but I shook my head. "No," I gasped, and even through the rasp and wheeze I heard the firm, slightly disgusted sound in my voice.

"Okay... Trowa?"

" _ _No__." Lord forbid, though I had to admit that the song might make it seem that way.

Heero's face scrunched a bit. "Zechs?"

"Oh, for the __love__ of __God__ -" I thought I might vomit. __"Fuck__ it, all right?"

There was a long pause. I had hopes of him shutting the fuck up and began to leave.

"Quatre?"

" _ _No__ , goddammit. Maybe you don't know him as well as I thought." I left quickly, ignoring his call for me to wait.

* * *

* * *

As expected, we made it to L2 without another incident. I took the emergency landing pad to throw off pursuit long enough to get ready to fight back.

The armpower of the men we met once we left the ship was... impressive. Fairly devastating, actually. Have you ever played those games, those Medal of Honor games? You know the weapons in those? The pistol, the sub-machine, the grenades, and every once in a while you'd find this extremely sweet machine gun that you'd use to blast the fuck out of everybody? Yeah – all of that.

The three of us managed to escape injury, but my Demon's Wing didn't.

"Goddamn motherfucking cocksucking sons of fucking bitches-"

My string of curses was interrupted only long enough for me to sign the mechanic's papers. It would take approximately three days for my baby to be fixed.

We'd be delayed, vulnerable, and open. Worse, we'd be delayed, vulnerable, and open on L2. We may not be able to use Wing anymore at all. We may be stuck on this damn colony for a week or more as we try to elude Harlow's men.

And my Wing, the first thing that had ever been truly, solely mine – bought by me, for me – was damaged. And may be abandoned.

"Maxwell, though I thank you for once again widening my knowledge of the vast English language, could you please shut the hell up?"

I glared death at Wufei and stomped ahead of them. "I'm going to get the weapons. Occupy yourselves."

"We're going with you," Heero told me. I wondered if there was a brick wall somewhere that I could bang my head against. It would save me some time.

"You're cops. Fancy cops, but cops. You would arrest him."

Heero opened his mouth, then closed it and looked at Wufei.

Why did it hurt to see him turn to Wufei? And what was this disturbing thought – that Heero and Wufei could be...

I turned away from them. "Contemplate, I dunno... the ability of pigs adapting to nature enough to learn to fly." __'Cause that's when my dreams will come true.__

I got an irritated snort from what I suspected was Wufei. "That's hardly a topic we'll disagree on, Maxwell."

I must be disgustingly sensitive, because hearing that hurt. Like it was them against me. I have an inferiority complex or something. Or I'm a martyr. Maybe I'm just an idiot.

"Then choose something you __will__ disagree on, Wufei."

* * *

Joe, my contact, was as useful as always. He agreed to bring my purchases to Wing, as long as I kept the place clear. He was a deliveryman, not a fighter. Or at least so I quote.

The man was so easy to get along with. Even though he thought I was Chase Karmen, a small-time bounty hunter, he was cool with me. Even though I'd been the one to bust him.

He and I should squabble like two-year-olds, but instead he and I have a sort of camaraderie. Why couldn't it be like that with Heero and Wufei?

Well, I couldn't put all the blame at their feet. I was always the opposite of what they thought I should be. They expected an obvious soldier and instead got a jokester. A veritable idiot. How could I explain to them that idiots are never considered a threat? Wasn't their reaction proof enough? Even though they knew who I was and what I should be able to do, they never thought I could do anything – that I posed more of a threat to my allies than my enemies.

And afterwards, I hadn't been able to get rid of the Jester quickly enough. If I had, would things have been different? Would I have been a part of their conversation, making witty insults that made them laugh? Would I be lighting that humor in their eyes?

What ifs were useless. This was how things were. I couldn't change it, no matter how much I wished I could. I would always be different.

But trying to change my thoughts brought up the thought of Heero's and Wufei's relationship. I had thought that they were comrades, partners. Were they lovers, too?

I touched my chest briefly; the thought hurt. But I had to admit – they'd probably make a good couple. Both were smart, ambitious. Most certainly good-looking, obsessed with justice. With doing the right thing. And they seemed to almost understand one another's thoughts... except for that one fight. The one they seemed to have put behind them.

But maybe that was why Wufei's name had been the first on Heero's lips and not his own. He thought of himself as too taken to even be considered, but Wufei... Wufei was the man __he__ loved, so of course Wufei's name was the first on his mind. But wasn't Heero with Relena?

Or maybe I was creating an elaborate excuse for him and for myself.

Yeah. Definitely the latter.

Heero and Wufei, when I returned, were speaking with Commander Une on my comm. link. I stowed the new provisions I'd brought to ensure Joe's safe journey here. I listened as they finished their report.

"Has Strike returned?" Commander Une asked.

I went to stand beside them. "Howdy, ma'am." I smirked at the disgruntled, halfway-warning note that left Wufei's mouth. "How may I be of assistance to Your Ladyship?"

"Report, Strike," she answered dryly.

"Aye aye, mon capiton." I saluted and gave her my own report. I'll spare the world a re-run.

When I finished, she nodded. "I'll send over false ships. Hang low for a week or so. I'll contact you when we're ready." She signed off.

"Yee-haw," I muttered. A week in my own little version of hell. I couldn't wait.

"We need to find a place to stay, away from your ship, Maxwell." Wufei turned to me.

"No shit?" I answered, then keyed in a password – __Namida0408__. A small cache opened, revealing a thick wad of bills. I snatched them and the pistol hidden underneath. "Just let me lock up my new little goodies." After that little job was done, I turned back to them. "It would be best to go to those hotels least occupied."

"And where would those be?" Wufei asked.

A place I'd sworn I'd never return to. "Follow me."

* * *

The neighborhood looked different, but mostly because I was taller and had other perspectives to look through. This part of L2 hadn't seen the extra money given to the colonies.

Wufei whistled, low and long. "This place is a mess." He smirked. "Any friends of yours here, Maxwell?"

"No," I answered testily. "They're all dead."

That served to shut him up.

Heero was silent, but he was watching me carefully. I couldn't spare him a moment. I was amazed at how the place was – practically the exact same, after a second look. I recognized the old hiding places, many of which I'd never be able to fit in now, despite my more wiry frame. They brought with them memories, memories I didn't know if I could handle.

I immediately recognized the by-the-hour motel that johns took their hits to, as well – anyone from age six to sixteen, male and female both. I'd seen the results of most of those encounters. I remembered the blood, pain, and pleas. All too well.

"Here," I said tersely. There were worse places to sleep, I supposed. And no one would be there during the day.

"This place?" There was disgusted outrage in Wufei's voice.

"Just don't touch anything," I advised, going to the door.

"Disgusting," Wufei muttered. Heero, I saw, nudged him hard. I turned away from Wufei's suddenly understanding gasp.

I paid for the rest of the day and stalked up the stairs. "Here – two rooms – he'd get even more suspicious if we bought three. This place isn't one commonly used by day, anyway. We stick out enough." I showed them their room. "Just remember – don't touch anything. And I don't advise sitting on anything."

"Duo." Heero stopped my little lecture. It was hard to look him in the eye, knowing that his penetrating gaze would be burrowing into my soul. It made my own gaze guarded. "Duo... this is where you... grew up, isn't it?"

Well, for a question, it was certainly a stupid one. But that didn't stop my stomach from clenching. "Yes." I turned and went to my room.

* * *

We left a half-hour later (Wufei a tangled mess of pissed-off that most likely led the owner to think he was disappointed with his session) to search the area. I highly doubted that there would be anything incriminating, but it would be intelligent to search, anyway.

Heero and Wufei argued about the possible ramifications of breathing for a sustained period of time in those rooms, most likely to get my mind off my surroundings. Heero, after all, had started the argument after watching me mope for a full ten minutes.

It still amazed me how... nice... Heero had turned out to be. I guess that 'follow your emotions' thing really helped him out. Huh.

I, on the other hand, remained silent during their little debate. They weren't attracting too much attention – I'd had them change out of their uniforms yesterday, and they'd brought plenty of spare clothes in their bags. A bit fancy, but not that expensive. They were like two pimps, and no one would really think to fuck with them except another pimp, who most likely wouldn't be awake for another couple of hours. Night ruled here.

But I looked like one of their hookers, maybe either Heero's or Wufei's personal plaything. With my long hair and big eyes, that's pretty much all I'd ever be here, despite having never sold myself. I'd been luckier than most – a forced blowjob, quickly remedied when Solo came up behind the perp and gutted him.

Not many had been so lucky.

This place was ruled by guys like Heero and Wufei. I couldn't help but notice that. Even the way they walked spoke of power – panthers and cougars and jaguars. Hilde once told me that I had grace, too – just more like a gazelle, or at best a cheetah. No one ever considered me one of the strongest, though they sometimes thought that I could hold my own.

In this place, I was more gazelle. I was a prime hooker.

And that, along with the area, made me nervous. If a pimp woke up and saw me, he could very well try to start a fight with either Heero or Wufei or both to try to take me. And though they could take that pimp down easily, there would be more. Not only would our cover be blown, but we'd have even more enemies. And though Heero and Wufei could probably handle honorable fights, these guys fought dirty. They'd shoot you up on crack before letting you beat them.

My eyes followed every movement, every flutter of the breeze. A part of me was amazed at how quickly I fell back into life on the streets. How quickly I fell back into what I'd been before. There was more to fear than pimps. Everyone knew that the cops never bothered to enter this place.

"Duo?"

I realized their argument was over and turned to Heero. "Yeah?"

"Is something wrong?"

I took another quick look around. "No. Why?"

"Why?" Wufei snorted. "You're tense as a bow, that's why."

I shrugged. "No big deal. I'll feel better once we're out of the open."

"The open?" Wufei repeated. "There aren't any snipers here, Maxwell."

"I'm not just talking about Harlow's men." Sometimes it truly shocked me how little these guys knew about the other side of society. At the very least Heero should have an idea.

I sensed movement to my left and stopped. A small streak came up behind me, quick as a bird. I grabbed the small hand.

Immediately the would-be thief started struggling. "Let me go!" The voice was young, but definitely male. His dark hair was matted and greasy, his clothes no more than rags. He fought like a hell-cat, scratching the hell out of my arm.

Wufei gasped. "A child?"

"Hold still, brat," I snapped, deftly grabbing his other wrist and braceleting them. I had to admire his spunk, considering what the three of us looked like. "I've got a job for you."

The kid stilled. "What?"

"There should be a man looking for us soon. Take his wallet."

"Why should I?" But the kid was interested.

"Because he's a cop." I handed the kid twenty credits with my free hand.

"Are you criminals?"

"As much as you are, kid."

The kid sniffed. I almost laughed at the sudden resemblance to Relena. I was sure she'd be less than thrilled with the comparison. "Fine. I'll take care of the pigs."

"Cool." I let go of him and dragged my two cop friends away before they could say something stupid.

"Pigs?" Wufei hissed, but my glare stopped him.

"Yes. Pigs. That kid would be arrested for trying to pick my pocket. Around here, justice is cheap."

"We must take him – get him some help."

I stared at Wufei in shock, surprised somehow that he'd say that. "Uh, Wufei? He probably has a gang to feed."

Wufei turned shocked eyes to me. "You mean there are more children like that?"

I sighed. "Of course. We gang together to stay alive."

I heard a shocked intake of breath from Heero and turned to him. He wasn't looking at the neighborhood, but rather at me. With wide eyes. I narrowed mine suspiciously. "What?"

But Heero just shook his head and looked away. I saw Wufei catch his eye and had a feeling there would be a secret discussion coming up.

Where the hell was a brick wall when you needed one?

Just then I recognized what street we were on and stopped cold. Shit. Shit! That was stupid – I had remembered each street I'd been walking on, every hiding place. Stores for food caught my eye. Movement.

But I'd blanked out where these streets led – I just felt like it would be safer to continue walking this way. Too caught up in the past just to realize how very far back in the past it was. Stupid. Stupid!

"I'm going back to the-" I started, but stopped when Heero put up his hand in the age-old 'quiet' signal.

"Look." And he pointed-

-straight at the charred remains of the Maxwell Church.

It stood out, even among the wrecks of other buildings, not burned out but still dilapidated. It was twilight, so the remnants of the windows shone pink and purple and orange, almost like the stained-glass windows I had always thought the church should have. Only a couple charred beams remained standing. I knew that nothing was left. I'd checked years ago.

"There's nothing left." A part of me realized what I was doing – what my voice sounded like, how lax my body was. The rest didn't. Those remains meant so little to so many. And yet they meant everything to me. I'd found one small year of joy, only to lose it. Had I ever found it again? Sometimes it seemed like my joy, my ability to laugh, had been stolen that night. I hadn't found them again, even after digging desperately through all that rubble.

"No, there – there are two men disappearing into the ground."

But there had never been a basement...

"Duo?"

"Maxwell!"

I came to my senses in time to stop myself from walking like a zombie over to the ruins. Heero and Wufei were sharing concerned looks.

I turned away. "We'll check the area out at dawn."

"Why should we wait?" Wufei asked.

I pointed to the people beginning to crowd the streets. "Because the world's waking up. It's dangerous to be out this late, and attacking now would only get civilians involved."

Wufei looked over to the hookers and the druggies. "They are only-"

"Human," I finished for him. "We're going to a different hotel. Quickly. We don't want them to know we're onto them." How many times have I turned away from them, unable to take what they said or did?

No wonder they never understood me. They've never understood where I've been.

It was painfully obvious just how alone I really was.

* * *

We switched hotels for the night, none of us willing to dare the beds at the old one. Then they slept.

I say they slept not because I was on watch – though I was one third of the time – but because I couldn't sleep at all.

Why? For fear of the nightmares.

So trust me when I say no one bothered us for the night.

The dawn was a brilliant thing, made more so because of the problems with the space station. I was really starting to wonder what the hell all that money had actually been used for here. In any case, the blood-red beam of light served as a good excuse for me to "wake up."

I shifted, then sat up. No theatrics necessary – Heero and Wufei would understand that I'd be alert immediately upon waking. Hilde, bless her, had never understood even that.

Heero and Wufei had been discussing something in muted voices – that secret meeting something that I'd foretold, I'd bet. They both stopped and wished me good morning.

I, a fan of the night and extremely tired, grumbled nastily. I think I said something like, "who says?" but I can't really swear on it.

Heero smiled, but there was no laughter in his eyes. Wufei's face, too, seemed even more solemn than usual.

My brow furrowed – I knew for a fact that nothing had happened during the night. "What's wrong?" I asked them, but both refused to admit there was a problem with anything.

Fine. Let them get depressed alone. Rat bastards.

"Well, the good news is we'll be able to check out-" I had to stop myself quickly. "The site," I finished hastily. "The other good news is we can eat before we do that." I smiled brightly – I was starving. We hadn't eaten before heading in. It would have been stupid. Talk about lining yourself up to be attacked.

Both flicked glances at one another before turning back to me. I saw on their faces the need to talk about something I didn't want to talk about.

"Well," I continued, clapping my hands and standing, "what do you say we-"

"Duo."

I hated how just his voice could make me stop everything and pay attention, even when I sincerely didn't want to. Maybe he'd practiced hypnotism or something over the past three years.

Unconsciously, I fell into those eyes. My heart, ever foolish, wished. And it hurt to wish. Gods, but it hurt to wish.

This wasn't right. Even if Wufei and Heero weren't... an item... then it still would be utterly stupid. Heero wouldn't... he'd never... dammit, it was just useless. Hope was useless. Worse, it was  _ _painful__. Whatever deity made up the emotion hope has been having quite a good laugh at humans' expense.

"Duo... during the war..."

Shit. Definitely something I didn't want to talk about.

Heero firmed his voice and continued. "Were we your gang?"

I stopped breathing.

* * *

* * *

I grimaced and turned away in defense. "What are you on about?" I groused.

Heero, ever full of himself, stepped forward without taking a hint. "Duo, I mean... you said you grouped together to survive when on the streets. During the war-"

"We were younger. Stupid. We grew up." I went to one of the beds and ran one of my hands along the comforter, a boring pastel – a hotel necessity, unless it was to be a simple bold color. Yellow with flowers. Fruity. I almost snorted at the random thought.

"Grew up?" Wufei echoed. "How do you mean? We were fools during the war? How can you say that?"

I shrugged. "Weren't we? Everything was black and white to you, and Heero believed that emotions were a weakness. And I... well, I was so obviously a fool that even you two noticed it." I walked to the nightstand and studied it. There were scratch marks, most likely from the multitude of keys that were carelessly dropped onto it. Funny how people only care about __their__ furniture.

"Duo-" Wufei began, but Heero cut him off.

"Stop pitying yourself. It's not attractive."

I whirled on him, fury flaring to life. He always had that ability, and it hadn't dulled with time in the slightest. "You bastard, it's not pity, it's a fact!" Still, I felt the sting of truth. "What'd you think of me back then? Huh? All of you – what the fuck did you think of me?!"

Heero's frown deepened. "That's not the point," he began.

"The hell it's not," I snapped. "Tell me, did you think I was fit to pilot the Deathscythe? No. I know because I heard. Being stupid isn't the same as being deaf, after all. I heard all of you say it at least once, though Quatre was nice enough to keep the condescension from his voice. But __he__ , at least, figured it out. Did __you__ , O Perfect Soldier?"

"We shouldn't be fighting," Wufei said, once more unreasonably calm. The man could probably face down hurricanes. "We need to work together."

"Fine." I turned away without another word. Pity? Damn Heero for throwing that at me. Especially since it was exactly what I'd been doing. "Good night." I moved off to the far bed. One of them could take the floor. Hopefully it would be Heero.

"Wait – Duo–" Wufei stepped forward, but stopped suddenly. I looked back without turning my head. Heero was shaking his head at Wufei. I grimaced and got into the bed, ripping back the covers. Then I closed my eyes and pretended to fall back asleep.

Pity? Dammit, I didn't want to be a pathetic self-pitier who went around wanting the world to apologize and beg forgiveness. I didn't want to be like that. But I also...

I rolled over, keeping my breath even with an effort. So I was being a pathetic coward. All right; I could move on from that. Trust Heero to slap it in my face. Mr. Sensitive.

I settled my mind and let my body relax into sleep. Tomorrow was another day. Another chance to learn and to change. It was what I was here to do, other than kill a psychotically powerful criminal. I could do that.

I gave a tired chuckle as I fell into the darkness of sleep.

* * *

I awoke for my shift at the end and watched dawn break, vaguely disturbed that I'd slept so long. The dawn thing had to be broken; there shouldn't be any brown, should there? Then I woke up Wufei and Heero were already up. The latter had volunteered for take the floor, which kind of ruined it, really. Shouldn't he have been forced down there? It made him... noble. Bastard.

I shook it off, knowing the thought was petty. Then I got ready for the day.

"All right," I said once everyone was done, "it should be okay for us to go back now."

"Do you know the area?" Heero asked.

I gave him a blank look. "No. I'm stupid."

Wufei sighed.

Heero's look was sharp. "Still on that, are you, Duo? You're acting childish."

I was only a second from punching him in his arrogant face. "And you're acting pompous. What can I say, Heero? We all have our little quirks."

"Stop, the both of you," Wufei snapped. "You're both acting like fools. This is __not__ our priority."

I turned to Wufei. As usual, he was the most steady of us all. Though... wasn't it odd that Heero was letting his emotions enter all this? I flicked my glance to him. He seemed unsettled. Huh.

"We are going to assess those ruins. Duo, what is that place?"

"A church." I resigned myself to having to explain a few things. "I lived there for a short time, so I understand the layout of the place."

"Lived there?" Heero echoed.

I shot him a quick glare. "That's right." And I went on to explain the outline. "There's a foyer that broke up into three parts: two hallways left and right, and the chapel straight ahead."

"And the cellar?" Heero asked.

"There wasn't one. I know for sure, because I looked once. I liked hidey-holes." I shrugged. "There were stairs leading to small rooms. Sister Helen had one, Father Maxwell had one... and the other kids and I shared the other two. They collapsed, of course. But there was no cellar. However, those men disappeared by where the podium stood."

"I see." Wufei nodded, then hesitated. "Father Maxwell?"

"That's right." I said nothing more on the subject, instead double-checking my weapons.

"Well, let's get going," Heero ordered. "We want to be discreet."

"Then walk around like you own the place," I suggested. "Pimps are like that, and you two have the look of them."

Heero just glared, but Wufei cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? And what do you look like?"

I hid my pistol in the back of my jeans. "A hooker."

There was that silence again.

I headed to the door. "Are you guys ready to move out?"

"Yes." Heero took charge, which hit my irk-O-meter. "We'll head over to the site and do a quick recon. Duo, you understand the area. You'll watch out for dangers."

"Fine."

"Wufei, you and I will check the place out. Duo will remain topside."

What the hell? I looked at Heero sharply. He was obviously keeping a distance between us. Worse, he was also bringing Wufei with him just in case I didn't care enough about his life. This wasn't about the fight we just had, was it? Did he truly believe that I would want him dead?

Bastard!

I grit my teeth and imagined the delicious thought of drugging the rat-whore and dunking his face into the ocean. He, oblivious, turned and spoke to Wufei about which areas each would cover once inside.

Okay. To take stock of my emotions... anger. Betrayal, petulance. I didn't like the last one, but, dammit, I wasn't happy about any of this bullshit. I had never had any intention of ever meeting Wufei and Heero again. Hell, a part of me hadn't expected to make it through this damn mission. And certainly I had never expected to have to share my ship, for them to ever see my poems. For them to learn anything about my past. Or for them to snoop around in my old haunts.

No, there was nothing to be happy about in all this.

Plus, Heero... Heero was the same, and yet so totally different. When before I'd managed to place him into a category, he no longer fits. He used to be cold, hard, and calculating, with a hint of something more beneath that he had managed to cipher away. Now... was it that the something had come to the forefront? But no, not completely, if only because he was a Preventor. No, parts of Heero were the same. His confidence, his calculating mind. But... there was more.

" _ _Were we your gang?"__

Yes, something had changed. Not that Heero suddenly figured it out, because the bastard had always been able to skip from Point A to Point G without warning. It was simply that the old Heero wouldn't have cared enough to ask.

And Wufei had switched a bit, as well. He was more... what? Kind? Worried? He was still a warrior, still honorable, and still obsessed with justice. But he seemed to be more accepting of the idea of allies. And he seemed to genuinely care about them.

What was it about them that made them able to move on? Was it because of what they fought for? Heero with his dream of peace and Wufei with his dreams of justice and integrity... while I, little ol' Duo Maxwell, fought to help children and bring revenge for those I'd lost... was that it? Or was it something else... something I had missed... or maybe something I inherently lacked...

There it was again: that disgusting self-pity and self-repugnance.

Well, fine. They traveled on my ship, used my evidence, borrowed my weapons, and use me as trash. In the end, I supposed they trusted me a bit more: at least they expected me to watch out for them. And they didn't expect my coordinates to make them crash into an asteroid or anything.

I glared at the door. So. They acted nice, they tried to get to know me, they showed concern. But still, I was nothing to them. They had changed, but not enough.

* * *

We managed to arrive without incident, and Heero and Wufei trooped off to do their Preventor thing. Meanwhile, I stood looking around like a retard in shirt and jeans. Oh, the joy of a bounty hunter's life.

The church was haunting in its ruinous state. A couple beams lay rotting on their sides. One beam was caught on another, lifting it into a diagonal. The stone floor remained in some areas as if it had been protected by the bodies. If I tried, I would see the bodies left behind.

I didn't try.

Nothing stirred, really; nothing would in this part of the colony for another few hours. Then the harmless crazies would arrive, sniffing and snorting and limping. Then a pimp or two, looking for someone to snatch for their groups. A couple street rats, as well, to try to get some money from the blocks nearby, where a few people were lucky enough to find work. The rest would wake at dusk. Yes. Those here lived in the night.

I leaned against the corner of the building next to the wreckage. It would be impossible to completely blend in. No one stood still for long around these parts. I didn't glance at where Wufei and Heero had disappeared, but I wanted to. I wanted to go down and take part in the action. Instead I got the boring guard duty. How lame.

It had to be a half-hour before I saw any movement. Two men, both dressed down but with expensive taste. We both saw one another at the same time. They both snatched up their guns.

I ducked down and ripped my gun from the back of my jeans. They shouted something that sounded like "cop!" and opened fire.

I rolled to the side and pivoted, knelt and aimed. Without thought.

The first dropped like a stone.

The second ran to cover behind a slab of the church.

"Tch." I ducked for cover by the diagonal beam. I saw him reach out, adjusted my movements. He was calling for his downed partner as if that would magically revive him.

Then he flipped over the slab and darted to where Heero and Wufei were.

"Shit!" I leaped up as well, following him. He turned and shot, but his aim was wild.

Mine wasn't.

It hit home, just as I knew it would. He fell to the ground in a heap. I ran up to him, just in case, but he, too, was dead. People were coming out now, to stare and see who won the battle, who had taken control of what.

Dammit. Pimps.

This time there were three, all coming from different areas, all investigating. They would see me, and they might know. There were only two options as to what I was – either a pimp or a cop. And I certainly didn't look like a pimp.

Fuck.

"It's a pig," one grunted. The hookers screamed and ran off, and the street rats silently returned to their holes. But thugs were popping out, wielding guns and slabs of wood.

To keep appearances – to keep Heero and Wufei out of this mess – I had to leave.

"They'll never forgive me," I muttered, and raced off.

"Hold it!"

More gunshots, this time with more accurate aim. Roars resounded through the streets.

"Wait, don't kill him!" I heard one call. "Catch him alive. He'd make a nice whore."

Oh, shit.

I doubled my efforts and switched to a side alley. Yes, I remembered this place. There were two old hiding spots here, but I couldn't use either of them now. I was too old. Too big. The best I could do was keep running.

I turned just as a shot ricocheted past my shoulder. This building didn't have a main function and only served as headquarters for various criminals. Past it should be two more blocks of warehouses no longer used, then railroad tracks. Beyond those was a small shopping district. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was often occupied. Scratching up some coins wasn't too hard around there. It was as if those railroad tracks divided more than just a few feet of land.

I led them there, led them to a small area that I knew well, a place I went once when an angry pimp – who I hadn't marked in time – chased me off his turf. Yes, that place would be perfect – a narrow passage with a small niche near the end. Perfect for picking people off one by one.

I swerved into that tiny little passageway and crammed myself into that small niche. The pounding footsteps faltered for a second, then turned in.

I reached out from behind my safe little corner and shot. One.

"Argh!"

Two.

"Aaagh!"

"Shit! Shit!"

Three.

"Aaahh!"

I waited, listening carefully, as one tried to sit up. With a quick glance, I hit him with a ricochet shot and downed the fucker unconscious. There would be no point in taking them to the police, since the authorities here were afraid of them. But this time if they saw a cop with a braid, they may think again before trying to use him.

I stepped out from my spot and looked at them. I didn't recognize any of them. They must have either overthrown their superiors or simply taken their place. And none of them were the one who had chased me down that day.

I shrugged and pocketed my pistol. Only one bullet left in it, but it was still useful. I went back to where Wufei and Heero were.

* * *

I'd been lucky; the two had been busy themselves, having walked in while two slept on the floor, smashed. They'd been left there by their comrades to sleep it off, but they'd been positioned behind some crates and the Preventors hadn't seen them until they'd broken open a crate and woken them up.

What had ensued was about the same as what I had gone through, only easier because while I had been one, Heero and Wufei were two. So I ended up going back and giving them the all-clear and they'd come up none the wiser about what had occurred top-side. For the best, since they would never forgive me for hurting the pimps and then just leaving them.

As for the two dead guys, well, I certainly wasn't hiding them. But when I'd pointed them out, Heero just nodded and left to go to a different hotel, one he'd apparently seen when we'd been walking to the church. There he called Commander Une and informed her that a weapons cache had been found and that we would be staying with that cache until Une came to pick us up.

So, as another precaution, I stayed far, far away from Heero and Wufei when we returned to the church's basement that night.

* * *

It didn't surprise me in the slightest that I had a nightmare. That had been expected. I awoke silently with sweat on my back and face, staring wildly into the dust and wishing I could get the faces out of my head. I'd sworn vengeance, and I'd gotten it. Why did I have to stay in this Hell after victory had been attained?

I sat up and gazed around. The cellar had been made secretly, that was for certain. But we had no way of knowing whether this was Jack Harlow's doing or not – Heero and Wufei had shot to kill, as well. Instinct was hard to fight back, after all.

But the place was shit. There were old-fashioned kerosene lamps to bring light. They cast eerie shadows as they swung. Children would have seen boogey-men. I saw ghosts.

There were beams holding up the little space and various crates. They held an assortment of goodies – pistols, rifles, shotguns, grenades, and one absolutely beautiful grenade launcher. Then there were packs of ammo and a couple boxes of food and water. Just in case a small siege was necessary. Useful.

I had taken a few of the pistol bullets, pissing off Heero and Wufei.

"Bounty hunter," I had reminded them, and grinned wickedly. Goody-goodies.

But now they were on the other side of the room, blocked from sight by some of the bulkier crates. For now, I was safe to recuperate on my own.

"Duo. I know you're awake. I heard the change in your breathing."

Heero was a goddamn freak.

"So?" I kept my voice down to a murmur, but it was harsh. At the moment, the tone wasn't as important as the steadiness.

"You said you were here for a while, right?"

Why the hell did he want to get to know me? Why was it so outrageously important to him now, when before he couldn't stand learning anything other than mission specs? What exactly had changed? How? Why?

"Yeah." Like I was going to give him any more information. "But this cellar didn't exist. I know that well enough."

"Did G pick you up here?"

"Yeah. He hunted through countless orphanages before finding me."

He wasn't close, so I was surprised to hear him sigh. "So you were here when the fire occurred."

"No. Weren't you the one who said not to make assumptions or whatever?"

"'Assumptions lead to mistakes,' yes. But you had a haunted look in your eyes when you saw this place. Therefore something bad had to have happened, meaning you hadn't been picked up by a foster family."

"Do you really think prospective parents would have entered this part of the colony?" I asked sardonically. "But it could have been anything else – I could have just been remembering them alive." Which I had been... and hadn't been.

"No, it was nothing so simple. Not with that face. Besides, they may have been important in your life, but you wouldn't have taken the name Maxwell – no, more, you wouldn't have worn those priest's garments during the war – if something drastic hadn't occurred here."

I grit my teeth. The man should use his deductive skills on something better – like how to shut up. Since when had Heero become such a damn blabbermouth?

"Anything else, Sherlock?" I asked sardonically.

"Yes. Who did you take the name Duo after?"

I hissed sharply.

"Was there someone you knew named Duo? Someone from the orphanage – the church? Or was it before that? After? Was __he__ the person that poem is dedicated to?"

Nosy bastard! "No, no, no, and – hmm – no. Now if you'll excuse me, I want some more sleep before my shift."

I laid down and brought my little army blanket up with a quick snap. I managed to close my eyes to two minutes of silence before he spoke again, this time quieter than ever.

"You know, Duo... we've been worried about you."

I clenched my fists. "That's nice."

"You may not believe us, but it's true. It took us a long time, but we realized that there was more to us than what the doctors showed us."

"The Gods of Pestilence only knew their own diseases."

Heero snorted. "True. And it was all we knew, too. But we learned."

"Good for you." I, however, hadn't managed to learn everything I needed to. I still had a long way to go. Until then, I couldn't be anything other than what I was now. Whether I was the Jester, Shinigami, or just some random persona I threw on for safety's sake. It didn't matter. Not until I found out who I was.

"We were all so lost... but we found that, together, we could see a lot more."

I started tuning him out.

"Don't you see, Duo? To understand yourself, you have to have someone else there to show you. You can't find yourself alone, out in the middle of space."

Slowly, slowly my eyes opened. And I stared at those ghosts in horror.

* * *

* * *

What the hell could he possibly know about it? Is that what he'd tried to do after the war had ended, as he disappeared into nothing? Had he done the same? Could he have?

"Duo, I recognize the symptoms: irritability, shifting personalities, confusion. I've been there. We all have. The only way we got out was-"

"Who cares?" I demanded. "It doesn't matter. We're on a mission, Yuy. Have you, of all people, forgotten this?"

The sigh was a bit softer this time, but still disgustingly discernible. "I see." See what? "Good night, Duo."

There was going to be a 'secret discussion' occurring behind my back come morning.

I shifted, uncomfortable with my whirling thoughts, and willed myself into sleep.

* * *

I woke with a strangely groggy feeling, like I'd been crying. But of course I hadn't – it was just a leftover from the dreams.

There was a low murmuring going on from the other side of the crates. If I could have, I would have sunk back into sleep.

Heero must have heard the change in my breathing again, because the murmuring suddenly stopped. It was aggravating – one minute Heero was being an arrogant shit, the other he was being inquisitive, and then in the middle of that he became disturbingly kind. The normal Heero was pretty constant – so what the hell?

"Duo, Une says she'll be here in another ten hours."

"Woot," I muttered. "So what are you going to do to entertain yourselves?" Bother me, no doubt.

"Nothing much," Heero said easily. "Why don't you come over here?"

Why don't you kiss my ass? I thought, but didn't say it. That probably wouldn't go over too well, and I apparently had to stay in this tiny place with them for another ten hours.

But I came out, and Heero brandished a deck of cards. We spent our time playing blackjack, with which I was familiar, and poker, with which I was still a novice at.

And I was a good boy. I only cheated twice.

* * *

When the ten hours came and Preventors swarmed into the room, I was gone. I was still Black Strike, an unknown entity, even to the Preventors. It was a security caution, just in case of leaks. It had also been to prevent Heero and Wufei from finding out, but that plan hadn't worked out so spectacularly.

I walked down the safer streets, body tense and alert, mind three years in the past.

I'd had plenty of years to think over my years on the streets and my short stint in the church with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. No, my new fascination was my latest earth-shattering decision, to break away from everyone and everything I'd clung to. In order to find myself.

I'd gotten farther. I now realized more of my weaknesses, and I've always been able to point out my skills. Social-wise, I knew that I hid. I knew I did so out of a sense of fear, but I didn't quite know what that fear was. Why was it so necessary to hide?

Worse... worse, had Heero been speaking the truth? That I would never be able to find the real, true, completely authentic me if... if I stayed alone?

No way. What could they see? They had never been able to see the real me throughout the entire time we'd worked together in the war. We'd needed to rely on one another for our lives. You learned a lot about a person real quick in those situations – or at least you usually did. Heero and Wufei looked right through me. Trowa caught on, near the end. And Quatre, bless him, was brilliant when it came to seeing a person's true heart. But...

There was no way those idiots would be able to see anything more than they had before. Right? But if that were the truth, then how the hell had Heero been able to dissect me so well? The bastard...

No, he'd always had that ability. He'd always been brilliant at picking up hidden clues and laying them out for inspection. It's just... usually he did that only for the mission.

So, what, now that the missions weren't as hard anymore, he had to exercise his brain on innocent bystanders? What? Is my brain some sort of amusement park for him?

Dammit, why the hell did I fall in love with someone like him?

Stupid! He was an arrogant, over-bearing chit. He only knew what he wanted to see. Today that something was me. But what about tomorrow? When he'd finally pulled apart the last part of me – when he finally tore down my last barrier and left me bare – would he get bored with me and move on?

I couldn't take that chance. Whether I had to be Shinigami, the Jester... as long as I managed to protect the real me-

-the real-

That was it.

It hit me suddenly and with so much force I almost keeled over from the pure strength of it. I was afraid of being hurt – again? I was afraid of so much, if I just looked at it. Afraid of being alone, but afraid of being known. It was such a contradiction it shouldn't have made any sense.

But it did. It made perfect sense.

Because everyone close to me has died, I'm afraid of becoming close with anyone, for fear that they will end up the same as Solo and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell and even that bastard G. All of them were dead, and all of them had been pivotal people in my life. Had a part of me left Quatre and Hilde for fear that they, too, would die? For fear that I would lose them, as well?

Was I afraid to try to get closer to Heero and Wufei, who clearly wanted to try to know me better, because of the terror inside me that they, too, would die? They were Preventors. They risked their lives every day-

Or was it that I was so completely terrified of getting close and losing them... for my sake? If I lost either of them, even though we're still technically on bad terms, even as we were right now, at this instant-

I would break. I would die if I lost those I loved.

I had brought myself out here, all alone, into the cold horror of space, because it was safer than being with others. It wasn't their fault. It was mine. All mine.

"Oh, God," I whispered, right there in the middle of the street. Some kind soul pushed me out of their way, and I swayed precariously. I just barely made it into a small building and its restroom before collapsing right there on the floor of one of the stalls.

I couldn't lose them. That's what it was, wasn't it? I couldn't lose them. Even now, I couldn't lose any of them. If we got even closer, if we became close friends...

I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't lose them.

I loved the both of them. Differently, in wholly separate ways. But I loved the both of them.

I felt the burn start in my eyes and wished I had the strength to push them away... but finally understanding oneself deserved at least a few tears, didn't it?

Even if boys didn't cry.

* * *

I was at my ship when Heero and Wufei caught up with me. She'd been repaired, as promised, and was her beautiful self again. She gleamed with a new paint and wax job. She seemed to be happy to see me. But maybe that was just my fanciful mind.

I heard them coming and turned to them, wary. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I didn't know yet whether I should try to get closer to them or get the fuck away from them while I still could.

"Duo." Wufei greeted me with a nod. Heero's eyes sharpened – he was apparently in range to see how red and puffy my eyes were. I had fixed the runny-nose problem and had studiously rubbed off the tear tracks, but not everything could be so easily solved.

Still, my heart felt a thousand times lighter, even as I saw a great burden ahead of me. It was so much better to know.

Wufei went past me to get on-board, since Une had said it would be a double-bluff with her ships around mine. Heero, of course, stopped before me. I beat him to the punch.

"You were wrong," I told him, effectively stopping him from speaking. When he cocked his head to the side, I expanded. "I found it on my own."

Heero's eyes lit a bit – understanding, curiosity, concern. My God, I could read him. So suddenly, so clearly it was almost terrifying. It was as if by seeing myself, I could now see others better. Or maybe it was because somewhere in there, I'd learned that trying to see Heero as a soldier would no longer work. He was more than that now. Somewhere in these three years, he found something more to himself. Just as I had, only he had found something better. He saw a beauty in himself that I couldn't find in me yet. But that was because of this huge fear I had. Surely Heero had a fear, too. After all, he was human.

"I see. But could you have seen it if you'd stayed alone?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. But I found it on my own."

"May I ask-"

"No." I hesitated. "At least, not yet."

Heero had a strange look to his face, as if he were trying to pull the knowledge from my brain just by the force of his gaze. I turned away from him and walked inside.

Demon's Wing was already synced up for the next launch. I ran through the usual checks and found a note from the Commander.

__Strike, Harlow has left a message for you._ _

"The fuck?"

"What?" Wufei came up to stand beside me. "What the...? Left you a message?"

I opened it and read quickly. "Arrogant bastard," I muttered, then read it again.

__I know you're looking for me, Strike. You messed up, and now you want to take me down. But can you? Do you know where I am? What I'm planning? But don't worry, Strike. I know exactly where you are. L2, right? But you're off by four if you want to find me. Get ready, Strike. We'll meet soon._ _

"Damn," Wufei breathed. "Arrogant is right. He's ready to take you on."

"My ass he is," I said, but I was worried. Right after I find out just what these two mean to me, just how important everyone was to me, I was leading them straight into hell. It was in me to order them the fuck off my ship.

"What is it?"

Heero had just entered the room. Wufei turned to explain the little note and its implications.

Jesus. How could I possibly do this? I loved Heero, I cared for Wufei. Both of them were two of the strongest humans on the planet, but that wouldn't save them from bullets. I was leading them into very grave danger. Even as Preventors, they shouldn't have to face this shit.

"Dammit," I whispered. "Dammit! I'll kill that motherfucker!"

When I launched, Drowning Pool had bodies hitting the floor.

* * *

It was hours later that I was seriously bothered by Heero the Inquisitive, and it was after Wufei had moved to start supper.

I was still at the controls, playing with the music. Did I want to listen to Disney music, which sometimes held a couple nasty surprises, or did I want to listen to just rock music? For now I turned on my Nickelback music and jammed up the volume a bit.

"Duo?"

I turned to see Heero coming towards me. He caught himself on the co-pilot's seat, but he didn't try to sit down in it. "Yeah?"

He hesitated again. What the hell? But then I remembered that we were back in my ship. He could very well be girding himself up to asking me about the damn poems again.

"Fuck," I muttered. "Just spit it out, Yuy. The worst you could do is piss me off, right?"

"It's about Quatre."

"The hell?" I stood without thought, vaguely alarmed. "What about him? Has something happened?"

"No, nothing like that," Heero was quick to reassure. But somehow the hesitation in his gaze shifted just a bit. This time I couldn't recognize the subtle change. It was something new, something that had never been there before, during the war. I couldn't quite decipher it, and he covered it up far too quickly. "It's just... out of the four of us, he was the only one you told. But you knew Wufei and I were at Preventors, right? You weren't surprised when we entered Une's office."

Shit, he really was dissecting me.

"I knew you were there," I told him, "but the day I told Quatre was the day I saw Wufei there for the first time."

Heero was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "Did seeing me... change your decision in any way?"

"I'd already decided." Not really answering the question.

"Dammit."

It was so sudden I almost jumped. His tone was both frustrated and pleading, and so totally open that I was unable to form any sort of coherent response. Thankfully, Heero continued.

"I don't understand you. I know what the others would say here, but not you. Why? Why are you so... so impossible?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. "If I were impossible, I wouldn't exist."

Heero almost seemed to growl. "I understand that I haven't had as much time to get to know you as I have the others-"

"Are you kidding me, Heero? Surely you jest. Did you forget the months that we fought beside one another? 'Cause I thought we had plenty of time to get to know one another then."

Heero's face twisted, and I saw the unmistakable flash of regret there. "I didn't try to get to know much about you then."

"I noticed," I said dryly. "So why are you trying so hard now?"

"Because you're one of us," Heero replied instantly.

Wrong answer.

"No." I switched the song to 'Saving Me.' "There's the four of you: the leader, the warrior, the peacekeeper, and the nice guy. You all make up the team."

"The head, the muscles, the ligaments, the heart?" Heero asked with irony.

"Sure." I shrugged. "However you look at it. You're all parts, and you fit together as a whole."

"But you're wrong," Heero murmured. "Seeing it from your view, I suppose you would be the... the joker, at least partially. Or perhaps..." He shook his head. "But in mine, you are always the nerve. In you we see everything more clearly, understand more fully. Only with you can the desires we have come alive."

"Uh-huh." Odd, but his words brought me a sort of solace. I wanted to believe it. "Look, Heero, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here, but-"

"Neither do I." Heero sighed. "I just don't want you to disappear again after this."

I stopped my breath from changing, but that didn't stop my heart from beating double-time. "You're making the assumption that we'll all make it out of this alive." I kept my tone light.

"We will." Heero's tone sharpened. "We're Gundam pilots. Nothing will take us down if we work together."

I sighed. "Sure." But if anything happened that would mean working alone would mean only my death, I would go it alone.

Heero seemed to see some of this in my eyes. "I mean it, Duo. No more Lone Ranger."

"Lone Ranger? Since when have you known about those sorts of things?"

Heero smiled. "I always wanted to learn ridiculous things."

I laughed, surprised. "Really? So you know Zorro?"

Heero nodded. "With his rapier and cape?"

"Yeah. I always wanted to try that – cutting a Z into an enemy's ass."

Heero shocked the hell out of me and laughed. "And have his flowered boxers show?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Or maybe cut his fly and have his pants fall down."

Heero chuckled again. It was a miraculous sound, and it disappeared far too quickly for my liking. "See what I mean, Duo? Only you could take a conversation that's becoming dangerously depressing and make everyone laugh. But did you know – your eyes never change?" Heero's eyes were carefully assessing my surprised reaction. "I never took the time to notice before, but your eyes don't light up."

My breath caught oddly.

Suddenly Wufei called through from the galley, announcing that supper was ready.

Heero nodded decisively. "He may be leading us into a trap, you know. Harlow."

"I know." A safe topic change, at least. "But we have nothing else to go on." My fault, of course: the mansion had held most of the plans of each underworld leader. The bastard had gotten me to destroy the only evidence we had as to his potential whereabouts.

The music was on 'If Everyone Cared' now. "Yes. But this time, we're all going to go down together."

A reference to him leaving me topside. "It ended up being for the best that we were separate." A reference to my own plans.

Heero recognized the reference instantly. "Not this time," he warned.

I shrugged. "We'll see, won't we?"

"Hey!" Wufei shouted. "Get in here!"

"Yes, Mom!" I called, and left with Heero's beautiful eyes burning laser beams into my back.

* * *

I leaned my head back and stared at the star-speckled ceiling of my room. Things were about to heat up big-time. The enemy has been toying with us this far, playing us. Harlow had a plan, and we were about to walk right into it. I didn't have a choice – it was my mission.

Of course, Heero and Wufei would be thinking the same thing. But I knew something very important about myself: I would break if something happened to either of them.

Useless to run from them. I smiled at my own stupidity. I'd run for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I was afraid, and when I was scared I ran and hid. With Deathscythe, I'd felt confident enough to jump into impossible situations. Or had I simply not cared? Had I, like Heero, been testing the limits? I kept calling myself Shinigami, calling down the potential wrath of the real one. But nothing had happened to me. I was still here, still perfectly fine. For now.

When it came to physical safety, I usually jumped at the chance to face it down. But in other areas of my life, I slunk off and hid in a corner. Pathetic.

I sighed and looked to the wall. The red letters bled together, forming their own little secrets. With another sigh, I stretched and slipped into sleep.

And dreamt of leading an angel with beautiful blue eyes down into the depths of Hell.

* * *

* * *

L6.

I had never been there before. It was unusual now, when I'd traveled through the stars so much these past years, to not be heading somewhere familiar. Still, I couldn't help but be immensely glad that I was no longer in L2. That nightmare, at least, was behind me.

Still...

I sat at the cockpit, viewing the endless void. Funny how at one point I had looked at that darkness and wondered if that was all I was. Now I knew so much more, even as I still understood so little. I knew some secret parts of me that had never shown themselves so plainly before. I understood now many pieces of myself that I hadn't understood before.

But still, as I looked back on my initial fears, those I'd been afraid to look at again since, I saw even more. On this last ride before we entered that trap that inevitably awaited us, I could see just a little more. But there was nothing I could do.

I fiddled with my music, not knowing what I wanted to listen to. Heero had left me some precious me-time, and Wufei was doing only God-knew-what. Probably looking at my poems. Shit, the two of them were probably looking at them together. What a pain in the ass.

Still, a part of me wanted to do the same.

Finally I was beginning to see me, the real me. The only thing was that there was nothing to be proud of. I was an emotional coward and, worse, the worst thing I'd ever seen ever: I was depressed.

How pathetic was that? Was Heero depressed? Was Wufei? Trowa? Quatre? No. The last two were so sapfully happy it could make a person barf. I was thrilled for them, really I was. But the oozing joy was just nauseous to hear. Or maybe that was because I was the exact opposite. Surely red thought green was disgusting and vice-versa.

Or maybe that just didn't make any sense whatsoever.

I glared at my music. What the hell could I play that wasn't stupidly happy and not exceedingly depressing?

Not Disturbed. Not Disney. Not Shinedown. Not Trivium. Not Evanescence.

Wait. Trivium? Battle music? Should I listen to that?

I began a mental argument over the merits of playing battle music when I was depressed, and finally discarded it. What a totally Shinigami thing to do.

I glared back down at the music after a moment. Which one? Which one? Nickelback was out. Pink? But I wasn't in the mood, and she had a couple nasty surprises, as well.

"Duo?"

Uh-oh. Me-time over.

"Yeah?" I turned in my seat to face Wufei, whose head was poking into the room.

"I'm just checking in. You haven't had any music playing for a while."

"Yeah. Dunno what I want to listen to." I shrugged.

Of course, Heero had to enter the conversation at that point. "May we pick?"

Oh. Well that would be dangerous. "The hell? You listen to my sort of music?"

Wufei snorted. "Maxwell, you have no 'sort.' You listen to everything."

"Do not," I sputtered indignantly. "I do not listen to bluegrass or rap." I tried to think of something else I never listened to.

"Wufei, it's the lyrics," Heero said quietly, and served to shut me up. "Duo, I would like to listen to that song."

"That..." I trailed off as I realized what he was talking about. Wilson Phillips' "You're In Love." I shook my head vehemently. "No."

"Then in exchange, you'll tell us what one of your poems means."

"The fuck?" I stood then. "What the hell are you playing at? How about I throw you out-bound and wish you the best o' luck?"

Wufei and Heero seemed momentarily stunned speechless. "Duo?" Wufei asked tentatively.

I took a calming breath. Dammit. This wasn't me, was it? No, and I knew it. The real me was always calm, right?

No, dammit, that wasn't me, either. So what was?

I closed my eyes and tried to see things without the tint of the Jester or Shinigami. Right now, I am upset and confused. I don't know what they want or why the want it. All I know is that we are moving towards what could be an increasingly dangerous situation and these two were trying to tear me apart when I needed to be fully pieced together for this. I had to be able to think logically when we landed on L6 and this wasn't helping. I was frustrated and scared.

"No. If you want to do this shit, wait." I opened my eyes and saw their faces twisted into odd shapes. I almost laughed.

"Duo, we've waited years to be able to see you. We'll take whatever time we have." Heero's voice was cold again, as if he were trying to force me into his way of thinking.

How could the man be like this and be so kind, as well? What was wrong with him? Why did he switch off-

My God. He's just like me.

It stopped me for a moment, being able to see that. Was I not the only one who had this problem of fighting between selves? Why was Heero switching between the two of them – and why did he seem so comfortable with it?

I shook my head, trying to clear it. Wufei must have seen that as a rejection. "Maxwell, we can only see so much. It's your voice, and only you can fully explain it to us."

I sighed in utter defeat. "What poem?" I asked. My voice sounded weary.

Wufei hesitated then, so Heero bulldozed in. "It starts with 'Every Waking Second.'"

"That's it's name," I confirmed, then began to recite from memory:

 _ _"Every waking second__  
Demands payment for redemption  
Do you feel the agony's mention  
Of the living and the lows?

 _ _Can you hear the whisper__  
Of the hatred of remission  
Of the screaming for perdition  
The raging hate that battles blow?

 _ _I scream for all the wounded__  
For the loss of those who crooned it  
For the wishing for the meaning  
And the cries of one who knows.

 _ _Do you know the screaming__  
And the second's little meaning  
And the hope of those left living  
And are you now one who knows?"

It seemed they didn't know whether to be impressed or disturbed. I laughed at them. "I wrote it," I reminded them. I just didn't let them know that "Every Waking Second" had taken my interest, as well. Before, I'd been too afraid of its meaning to accept that it was speaking about me. But somehow it's all been ripped open and laid bare, as if a flash of light illuminated the mess that was my mind, and now I could see better than when I'd just been stumbling blindly in the dark, ever scared that I would bump into a boogeyman.

I couldn't be afraid of myself any longer, could I? Running from myself had to be the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. My entire reason for coming out here was to see the real me. I had to do it, no matter what. I could rebuild myself, couldn't I? Except this time it would be the real me.

The real me, dammit. I wanted to be real.

"Yes, well," Wufei stammered. "We understand parts of it."

"The third stanza is the simplest," Heero said. "We've been there."

I jolted a bit. "What?" The usual stupid response.

"'I scream for all the wounded,'" Heero quoted. "That refers to the emotional scars. 'Those who crooned it' are those who killed themselves. 'The meaning' refers to the meaning of life, which all those who hurt are trying to understand. 'One who knows' is someone who has felt that pain."

My eyes were wide as golf balls.

"Wufei seemed now able to pick up the conversation. "The stanza after that is understandable, as well. 'Know the screaming' means understanding the words – or better, understanding the pain that is never spoken or shown. 'The second's little meaning' refers to how difficult it is to continue from one minute to the nest-"

"Wait, wait," I stuttered, cutting them off. "The hell? How do you know this – and what the hell kind of questions do you have?" They understood it all so well... what the fuck was going on? That poem had taken me a while... how long had they been out there picking the fucking thing apart?

Heero sighed. "It's the first two stanzas that we don't quite understand. The mechanics are simple enough, of course – the first two lines, saying that every second is a sort of torture to gain salvation, and the payment is the pain you have to deal with. 'The agony's mention of the living and the lows' is where we start losing understanding."

I shook my head, trying to clear it. "What the hell? This doesn't matter-"

"The hell," Wufei said vehemently. "This poem tells us more than any other exactly how you feel, in a general way. It tells us that you're feeling just as we did."

"Enough." Nothing pissed off someone holding a pity party for themselves faster than someone saying they've been there. "What are you talking about?"

"At first, when the war ended," Wufei admitted quietly, "I didn't see a purpose to my existence. That's why I joined Maremaia's group. I saw my existence as a warrior and nothing else. Heero helped me understand what I had lost sight of – that I was a warrior for peace, not for the sake of fighting."

I was highly disturbed. Wufei never spoke about himself like this. What was going on?

Heero stood beside Wufei, offering him a subtle warmth of comfort. I felt something indefinable crack. Then Heero turned those beautiful eyes on me and made that something break. His eyes were determined... hard.

Without thought, I did the only thing I could do – I escaped. "I need a drink." I pushed off to the hallway, leaving them no chance to catch me and drag me back.

* * *

I skipped the drink, since only alcohol would help me at this point, and slipped into my room.

I wanted Harlow to attack. I wanted forty battleships ganging up on my Wing's ass. That's what I wanted. That way I could fully escape what had just occurred.

Jesus. Wufei had split himself open to reveal something that was, purely and simply, none of my business. Why had he done it? Just to prove a point? Wufei __never__ opened himself like that. Never. Never ever.

Then again, looking at it, Heero never gave a damn about the logistics of a person's psychoses, either. Both were out of character.

Or maybe... maybe, for the first time, they were __in__ character.

God. I was thinking about this like it was a story or something. It was __life__. My life. And it was slipping right out of my control, as usual.

I covered my face with my hands and willed the world to just stop for minute.

And a knock sounded on my door.

I growled.

"Duo." It was Heero, of course. The man had a not-a-good-time radar that demanded he bother me at the perfectly wrong time.

"Go away," I snarled.

"Look." I could swear I heard him sigh, even through that thick metal door. "I know you don't want to hear it, but we've all been where you are right now. It's not that we managed to move on quicker because we're stronger. It's because we lent each other our strength that we got through."

Well. Not only had he hit a couple nails on their heads, he'd also fully managed to make a clichéd line sound damn good. Maybe it was that sexy voice of his.

"It doesn't matter," I whispered. Because I couldn't let it matter.

"Duo, open up."

Yeah, right. Like I would do that. The bastards had dissected enough poems. And Lord forbid I allow them to dissect me.

"Duo." The voice sounded so sad. It tugged at those broken shards that cut at me. "What can I say to make you understand?"

I closed my eyes. I had seen the two of them stand side-by-side. They shared that couple-communication that needed no words and managed to irritate those uninvolved in the process. And here Heero was, unable to speak his thoughts to me.

I wanted it to stop hurting. I needed it to.

"I understand," I said, and heard a strange hitch in my voice. I willed it away. "It's not like I'm stupid, Heero. I understand."

Heero hesitated.

"I'm not oblivious," I continued. "I know what that poem means."

"That's not-" Heero began vehemently, then stopped himself. He seemed to take a moment to calm himself.

My eyes opened in wonder. Had I just made the infallible Heero Yuy lose his temper?

"Duo, that's not... dammit. At least explain those last parts."

The hell? "What the hell are you pushing this for?"

Silence. "I don't know." This time the sigh was in the sentence itself.

I thought about it all for a moment. Whatever they wanted, I suppose I should at least give it to them. I had the feeling that I would be disappearing soon, leaving them on their own. I could at least give them this.

Was I a masochist, a fool, or a martyr?

"'Do you feel the agony's mention / Of the living and the lows?'" I repeated the second part of the first stanza from pure memory. "Do you understand the agonizing pain of living and or with depression?"

Heero was silent for a long time, and didn't seem ready to speak yet. So I continued.

"'Can you hear the whisper / Of the hatred of remission.' Can you hear the whisper of the hatred of forgiveness. It goes two ways: the forgiver can never fully forgive, and forgives mostly to try to settle their own heart. The forgiven feels that they may not deserve to be forgiven. 'Of the screaming for perdition' means 'Of the screaming for damnation. The forgiven wants to be damned, because he can only see eternal punishment as a way to be truly forgiven. 'The raging hate that battles blow' refers to the battles one has within oneself." I closed my eyes again. "What part of that didn't you understand?"

Heero finally spoke. "Your tone."

"Tone?" I repeated, suddenly confused.

"Yes. When you recited the poem, you had a certain tone." Heero's voice sounded... strange. He was cooking something up in that head of his, and I had no doubt that I wasn't going to like it.

"Heero, what the hell are you talking about?" I demanded.

And then he made those shards shatter. "I need to talk to Wufei about this."

I almost laughed, but I knew it would sound slightly hysterical. "Sure. Go ahead." I waited a few minutes, but heard nothing more.

Only then did I clutch my chest and ride out the waves of agony.

* * *

I was safely ensconced in my room, wondering when it would be just as safe to leave and grab some food, when my alarms rang.

"Fuck!" I raced out of my room and to the cockpit. Heero came out of the galley, where he'd most likely been waiting to pounce on me, and Wufei came from inside his room. He let go of his book to let it float through the hallway. I recognized Faulkner with a quick flash of a smile.

The scanners were showing a fucking fleet of ships, all ready to welcome my little Wing. I caught a quick breath and slowly let it out.

"Shit."

I turned on my battle music and raced through my inventory. My little deliveryman had come in secretly, unknown to Heero and Wufei, to bring the weapons I'd gotten and hook a few up. It was illegal, so I hadn't wanted them to know.

Well, now they would know.

I called up scans and turned on the weapons system. He'd given me a lot, the useful bastard. But I couldn't do it. I would have to fly, and someone else...

I glanced at the co-pilot's seat and felt something lurch.

Oh. My heart.

I switched the logs to one side and the weapons to another. I wouldn't ever have someone in that seat. Never again would someone become so close to me. Never again would I rely on someone for anything, nor show them I cared for them. I wouldn't put anyone else in danger.

My hands trembled.

"Maxwell! You have weapons hooked up?"

Shit. What the hell was Wufei doing, checking shit out over my shoulder?

Then I distantly heard the snapping of buckles. Heero sailed into my peripheral view and grabbed onto the co-pilot's seat.

"No!" I snapped.

"Don't be ridiculous, Duo! You can't do this all by yourself!"

Fucking hell, I knew that! "I said no, Heero Yuy!"

"Fuck that!"

I turned in surprise to see Heero seating himself in that accursed seat and buckling himself in. "Heero-"

Heero turned on me. "I don't know what your problem is, but right now you need a partner!"

I felt myself freeze, just as a warning came that the enemies were now close enough to fire. I turned from him and made a swift turn. I saw my screen lose the weapons logs.

I felt panic overcome me.

No. No. Heero had been my partner before, right? Technically. And he'd survived. It was all in my head. All in my head.

Oh God.

I clenched my hands, then wiped off the sweat. I didn't have time for this. Once again, I needed to bring out Shinigami in order to keep these guys alive. I needed to stay focused. Hadn't I told myself a thousand times that I couldn't lose these guys?!

My eyes glazed over. When I took the controls again, my hands were dry.

"Fine." I twisted the ship to the right. "Just don't miss."

"Roger that."

I smiled. There he was, the Heero I knew.

They weren't idiots with their machinery. Harlow wasn't on them, that I knew. But Harlow also hadn't held back. It reminded me sharply of when I was with Deathscythe, when I had to go against entire battalions on my own.

But I'd been able to do it.

This wasn't that much different. Only now I only had to worry about flying. It was like a two-man Gundam. Easier.

Another twist, then a beautiful little beam lanced the space, taking down one of the enemies.

I spun my Wing through a left corkscrew, then beamed it to the right. And Heero took down another one.

It was strange to be able to see the movements so perfectly, to know where all of the enemies would fire. They had to have logistics from the last battle, because they tried to aim for the sides of the ship. They thought a human was out-bound again. A small part of me took the time to be thankful that there wasn't.

Wufei switched through my music, seemingly unconcerned with the battle. Instead he switched to those I shouted for – Die Motherfucker Die, I Fucking Hate You, Kill You, Ready To Die. Then he started shouting observations.

"Yuy, nine o-clock!" "Maxwell, three on your back!"

And two more lit up the sky.

I counted twelve more on my radar and double-checked it with Heero without even thinking about it.

"Affirmative."

And I felt my heart flip for one short second. This man wasn't a mirage. He was still the one man I had ever loved, and the one man I ever would.

"Great. Kill them off, would you?" I smiled insanely. "Hey, 'Fei – Meaning Of Life."

"Got it." There was a rueful smile in that response, I could swear it.

I gave a war whoop when it came on and dove through the enemy line. Heero shot off a round that took out two at once. Another war whoop was in order.

The little baddies scattered, trying to take us by surrounding us. I did a few dancing flips, and Heero took out a few more.

"Fire at five," Wufei stated. "Eleven, as well."

I smiled. "Two in one," I muttered, and dove. The two hit one another. One blew up, the other lost its balance and flew straight into its neighbor. "Damn," I said with relish, " _ _three__ in one."

Heero said nothing, just took out another one in the confusion that stirred. I laughed and flew toward an opening straight ahead of us. Heero took out another.

And then they were behind us, and Heero picked them off like weeds.

"I wonder if that was supposed to have stopped us," Wufei mused.

"Based on the information they had before this, it would have been reasonable to assume such," Heero stated, logging down the weapons.

I said nothing, only closed my eyes and leaned my head back and soaked in the newest song, Violence Fetish. Then I shuddered.

Wing gave me the all-clear, and I reset the alarms.

"So do you think he'll have more waiting for us?" Wufei continued.

"It would be foolish to think otherwise."

Yes. That was Heero for you.

I stood. I had to get back to my room quickly. Before I lost my control.

"Duo, wait." Heero unbuckled and stood before me, easily barring my way. Another reason to hate that damn co-pilot's seat.

"I'm tired," I whined petulantly.

Heero seemed to fight a smile. "Why didn't you want me in this seat?"

Not fair. I was too high-strung to be pleasant on this issue. "I don't like it. So get out."

Heero frowned. "It's not like you to be so-"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Don't-Make-Assumptions, but who are you to be telling me what I'm like? I'll bet you I already know fairly well." Or at least now I do.

Heero seemed to study me for a short second. "Then explain to me why."

"Uh-uh." I shook my head. "I'm tired. Outta the way." I shooed him with a hand.

Again, that strange twitching took over his lips. "No. Explain."

"Bite me," I muttered.

"Maxwell, I would also like to know." Wufei went to stand beside Heero.

Double-teaming bastards. "No. Sleep."

Heero sighed. "Won't you compromise?"

"Won't you bugger off?" I waved at them. "Go. Away. I want to sleep." I was already on an emotional high before this shit started, after all.

"Duo-"

" _ _Bed.__ " And I sailed off to my room.

* * *

* * *

Dinner was a ration bar, eaten alone in the middle of the "night." The lights were low, and my Night music was playing, basically slow music from old games or television shows. Right now it was actually a classical song, one of Beethoven's lesser known works. It often soothed.

But I couldn't be soothed yet.

No. Right now I needed to take inventory.

I couldn't ignore the fact that everything had been a thousand times easier when I'd just given in and allowed them to help. Just as I had to admit that they could take care of themselves.

Dammit, I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the time to choose. I was being thrust through something barely understandable, a place I'd never been in before. Before, during the war, I'd had a hideaway inside myself, and I hadn't needed to worry about any of this. Loving Heero meant nothing because I was nothing and he cared for nothing. I had been the Jester and Shinigami and nothing more. There had been nothing worth worrying about.

But now, there was so much more.

Dammit, Heero was stronger than me, and so was Wufei. I was being overprotective, wasn't I? I had to have faith in them, right?

But how could I, when I didn't know them at all anymore?

I reached in instinctively for a drink, not knowing what I grabbed, and rested it against my forehead.

"It would be better if you had liquor."

I turned slowly to face Heero. Didn't these bastards have something better to do with themselves? "I'm a pilot. That wouldn't be a good idea."

"One of us could pilot," Heero offered, but stopped when I hissed at him.

"No." __Go away,__ I added silently.

"Duo, what is your problem?"

I almost laughed. "You know," I mused aloud, "it's strange, but I want to ask you the same question. You've changed. You aren't Heero anymore. Now you're..." I shifted for the right words, "almost human."

Heero seemed stunned. "Almost human?"

"Yeah. Before you were like a robot. Didn't you notice? Always 'hn'-ing and 'yessir'-ing and saying things like 'affirmative' and 'understood.' It's strange that you hardly ever do that now, and you're obsessed with finding out more about me. It's not like you."

Oddly enough, I hadn't meant to open my big mouth at all.

Heero seemed to grow sad. "Actually, it is like me."

I opened my mouth, then stopped. We were only another day from our destination. We needed our mind's clear. We couldn't afford to open up any wounds that may still be bleeding by the time we landed. "It's no big deal," I said breezily. "I was just airing my thoughts on the subject. Like old laundry, I guess. Only dusty, not-"

"Duo."

His tone was quiet, but still sort of commanding. I found myself shutting up.

"This isn't like you, either. You always laughed. For some reason, I expected you to be the same – an idiot. You proved me wrong immediately, snapping at us about our luggage. And when I have seen you smile, a few rare occasions, they aren't real. Why?" And now he seemed to be talking to himself. "Why the hell didn't I ever notice it?"

I was unable to respond, shocked by the tone in his voice. Berating, condescending, angry. He was angry with himself for not having seen? I held up my hands as if to ward off a madman. "Whoa, jeez, Heero, it's no big deal. No one noticed, remem..." But I stopped when I once again realized just what the hell I was saying.

I wanted to be found, but wanted to stay hidden. I didn't want anyone to understand, but I wanted to be understood. I was a contradiction.

But I wanted Heero to see, without me showing him a thing.

"Duo."

How could hearing him say my name make my pulse jump? "How did we get to this? We were talking about you, dammit. How did you weasel out of that?"

Heero shook his head. "This isn't working. Why the hell isn't it working?"

He was talking to himself, but he still managed to irritate me. "Why isn't __what__ working? What is this, an experiment?"

" _ _No,"__ Heero snapped fiercely. "No, of course not! I..." Now it was Heero who was unable to speak what he thought. But why?

"Okay, okay, fine!" I held up my hands again, this time feeling as if something was pressed to my chest. Was Heero hurting because he couldn't understand me? Why? It made no sense. He wasn't making any sense! Heero __always__ made sense!

"Dammit." He whirled back to me, and his eyes were steady and controlled. The Perfect Soldier. I recognized him immediately. "Tell me. Who's that poem for?" I knew immediately which one he was talking about – __Forgive These Broken Wings__. "Why is there no alcohol? Why don't you want anyone in the co-pilot's seat? Why – why do you fake laughing so much? And why don't you trust us, even slightly?"

I took an involuntary step back at that one – talk about left field. His eyes zeroed in on my movements.

But oddly enough... I felt safer. Calmer. __This__ was the Heero Yuy that I knew. Somehow, this man had been the one I'd fallen in love with. But why? It couldn't be the way he'd acted, because he'd been a complete bastard for the longest time. Was it this – the fact that this man wasn't the real him? Had I always known it? But what had I seen that had made me fall?

I didn't notice it, but my body completely relaxed for the first time in days. Heero must have seen, though, because his eyes widened just a bit.

I __recognized__ it. With everything I was, I recognized Heero's reaction. Surprise. But there was a flicker of something else, a flicker of the real him, the him beneath the mask he himself wore – worry. It was worry. I almost wept for realizing it.

I knew this man.

"Duo..."

And I smiled. Just like that. "Yeah?"

And the mask broke. I felt myself tense up again, and was surprised to find that I'd relaxed at all.

But Heero strode to stand right before me. The bastard had grown. I was a short American, at a mere five-nine. This guy had grabbed an inch on me. At least Wufei was my height.

"What..." Heero seemed to be struggling with something. "You relaxed," he breathed in awe. "You relaxed, for the very first time. Why? When I'm… __no__ one relaxes when I..."

I had to back away; the scent of his skin was short-circuiting my brain. "I..." How could I explain without giving everything away? "It's more... understandable."

Heero seemed to let those words soak in, as if he were trying to sift through the words to find the hidden meanings. Or maybe he just couldn't understand.

"Think about it," I pressed. "Wouldn't it be easier if I were..." Couldn't say 'The Jester'... "the laughing idiot again?"

Heero seemed to twitch. "I... suppose."

I shrugged. "Well, it's the same basic thing with me. When you're like that, you're more like the old Heero." Funny, but I hadn't understood the old Heero, either.

"I... see."

He seemed to be struggling with the whole issue.

"Would... you feel better... if..."

I frowned sharply. "If this is you, stay this way. I won't make you change." Why the hell would he ask me that? Was he really so willing to give up something so inherently fragile? "Being you isn't something you should take away from yourself."

Heero's hand twitched, as if wondering whether to move or not. "You said you've found yourself."

"Maybe not all of me." But I shook my head. "No."

"Dammit, Duo, how the hell am I supposed to help-"

"I didn't ask for help," I hissed. "I didn't ask for anything."

"You never do."

I felt my breath freeze. Why was he doing this? Why the hell was he doing this to me? "It's none of your business!"

"Duo, you're getting defensive."

"Wouldn't you be?" I snapped. "Some guy you haven't seen in years is suddenly trying to-" __Break me.__ He's trying to break me.

"I need to know what you're thinking. How else can we talk through this?"

Heero sounded frustrated, I noted. "We don't __have__ to talk through this. Just let it go. Leave it alone. It's none of your-"

"Business, yes, you already said that."

I snapped open my bulb and took a harsh sip. Dammit. It was just orange juice. "I don't need anyone dissecting me, and I don't care if you volunteered for the job or not. It's not an open position."

"Duo, I'm not..." Heero let out a sharp breath. "I just want to understand you."

I grabbed my head. I would __not__ say anything else without thinking about it first. I would not. " _ _Why?__ " Damn. I hadn't meant to ask that so plaintively.

"Because... dammit, Duo, you're one of us."

Again, that damnable answer. "No, I'm not. I never was, Heero, and you damn well know it."

"Don't be stupid, Duo," Heero snapped. "You were the one to get us all together."

"No, that was Quatre and Tro-"

"Dammit, it was you! Whenever we fell apart, you hooked us back together again, whether we wanted to be a team or not. You kept dragging me with you everywhere, making me give up my isolation. Who stayed with Quatre and drove off his loneliness? Who always got Wufei out of his funks? Who got Trowa back to us? Who the hell got Quatre and Trowa together?"

I gaped. "The hell? I didn't do all that... well, I dragged you everywhere, yeah..." But that was for myself, my own selfishness. I just didn't want to lose sight of him.

"Quatre had been worried sick about everyone after the colonies were targeted, when we were all unofficially disbanded. You curbed his worry and staved off his loneliness. Wufei admitted that you were the one to take him out of his misery about his past, who always made him feel alive. Trowa had been living in fear of his unknown past when you finally found him in the circus and brought Quatre to him, the only person who could help him. And who helped Quatre through his feelings for Trowa? Who promised to go with him to the circus no matter when or where, so that Quatre wouldn't go alone, so that he'd have the chance to see Trowa whenever he could? When you left, Quatre's visits became more infrequent, but he'd continued going – __alone,__ Duo. Finally Trowa found out the change and decided that he would take his own chance, if only because he was afraid for Quatre."

"Well then, see? It's a good thing I left." It was strange to hear the entire story, though, when I'd known the two of them to be officially together for over two years.

Heero shook his head. "Trowa realized there was something more when you never came to talk to him after the shows but were always still there, waiting to take Quatre back. When you left and Trowa found out... it hadn't started well; Trowa yelled at Quatre for being reckless."

"He what?" I gasped. Trowa __never__ lost his cool. I don't think I'd ever heard him yell. It must have been horrible for Quatre, who loved him so very much, to be the only one to deal with Trowa's anger.

"That's right. He called Quatre a fool for coming alone, and where the hell was Duo?" Heero continued, his eyes searing into mine. "He raged at Quatre, and Quatre finally left in tears. To this day Trowa has never forgiven himself for it."

"My God," I murmured thoughtlessly. "What the hell happened to get them together?"

"Quatre kept going," Heero said quietly. "He just didn't talk to Trowa anymore."

He'd never told me. He'd never told me any of this. Because it was my fault?

I felt the weight of guilt crush me, almost taking me under. I'd hurt my friend. And badly.

"Neither of them blame you," Heero spoke now, his voice trying to soothe. "They know it was due to their own misconceptions. And everything turned out all right in the end, anyway."

"How could it?"

"Trowa said he still saw Quatre, that he'd been able to pick the blond out when the light wasn't too bright. In fear, he went up and told Quatre that it was too dangerous to come just to see a friend, and then kissed him."

It made me smile to hear it; that Trowa had put so much into that kiss – an admission, an apology, and a plea. And of course, Quatre had accepted all three.

"Good." Then I shrugged. "But would it have happened if I had continued going with Quatre? The two had stilted 'we-are-friends' conversations every single time. It may have never happened."

"At their little unofficial wedding, Quatre held a place of honor that was never taken, for the one he'd said had made it happen. Because without you, he never would have gone to begin with."

He had never said that, either.

I shook my head. "Enough. That's enough. We only have twenty-four hours until-"

"Dammit, Duo Maxwell, I'm making a point here!" Heero burst out. "Just shut the hell up and listen!"

I froze.

"We all depended on you in one way or another. Quatre as a close, dependable friend, Trowa as his rescuer, Wufei as his fire, and me... for me, you were the one who took away my loneliness."

"I..."

"Shut up," Heero said calmly. I couldn't have finished a coherent thought, anyway. "We all wanted you back, but Quatre only told us that you were off trying to find yourself and that he wouldn't bother you for any reason, because he felt your heart was hurting too much. We were growing frantic, Duo. We'd put up searches for you – useless, of course, since you had Une herself seal all your records from Preventor eyes. We never would have found you. Do you have any idea how worried we were? __Are?__ " Heero raked a hand through his hair. "And here you are, finally, and I don't know what the hell to do with you, and I feel like if I don't manage to get through to you in time you'll disappear again. So you're right – I only have twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours, and then when this damn mission is over, I'll either have you back or I'll lose you all over again – and this time... this time, I know I won't be as lucky."

My mind had frosted over.

"Don't you understand?" His tone was desperate. So very desperate. "I __can't__ lose you again. I won't!"

"I..." What could I say to that, when his heart seemed to be right there in his voice?

"I was a fool!" he continued. "I kept telling everyone to follow their emotions, but I couldn't even do it for myself. Not on what was truly important. And even now, I..." Heero seemed to glance toward the cockpit, where that poem lay. "It doesn't matter," he murmured, and he was once again speaking to himself.

"I... your loneliness?" I whispered. I had done all that? While being nothing more than a fake?

But those things he spoke of... those were things that had affected __me__ in some way. Heero had been everything to me, and Quatre and I had become close through our worry and... well, I don't really know how we got together, but we clicked. Trowa was important to me because he was a loyal friend who I didn't need to be anything around, and he meant everything to Quatre, and Wufei was just for fun and turned into a challenge... I had had fun fighting him on so many issues, and had even laughed sometimes just because...

But still... I hadn't done anything... I wasn't as important as Heero was making me to be... was I?

"Yes," Heero said, answering my stuttered question. "I had thought that it was right for me to be alone. I couldn't be human, not if I wanted to be victorious. It was a weakness to become close to other people. That's what I was taught, and I thought it was true. Wouldn't it be easier?"

I hissed without thought. Damn J.

Heero caught the sound and smiled. "I hadn't even realized the wall I'd put around myself. I didn't know I was scary to others, unapproachable. But... you approached me."

"I shot you," I clarified.

"Yes. So weren't you my enemy? But you saved me. I... I've never understood why."

I hadn't either, at first. All I'd known was that I __had__ to go rescue him, and to hell with common sense. He'd been a pilot like me, so I figured at the time that I wanted to learn more about him and keep any knowledge he had a secret. But then... I realized I'd made all those reasons __after__ I had set up the rescue operation.

I couldn't have been in love then. There was no such thing as love at first sight. I hadn't even loved Father Maxwell at first sight. But...

"Yeah, me either, in all honesty," I admitted sheepishly. "I dunno why, but I just felt like I had to go get you."

Heero's eyes sharpened just a bit. "You don't know?"

Well, I had a fairly good idea now, but those words were never passing these lips. They were taboo. "Nope."

"You're lying."

"Only partly," I admitted. I threw him a quirky grin. "I never lie completely."

Heero frowned.

"Still trying to dissect me, Heero?" I asked.

"Yes." He sounded about frustrated enough to maim. "And I can't."

"Uh-huh. Tell you what; I'll give you a hint." I held up one finger. "You'll never get it."

Heero's frown morphed to an outright scowl. "That's it? __That's__ the hint?"

"Yup." I nodded. "Because it's true: you won't. And do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you can't see what's in plain sight, Heero Yuy. You're looking just a little bit too hard." And I left to retreat to my room, leaving my bulb floating in front of Yuy's face.

* * *

* * *

After my once again dramatic exit, it was rather a pain to have to wake up to the most delicious smell ever.

I almost drooled.

Like Jerry the Mouse, I was drawn involuntarily to the galley, where I witnessed Wufei sail to another part of the room and grab some sealed eggs that I'd completely forgotten I had. Then he sailed back to the ship's stove. It was a complicated thing, so I hardly ever bothered with it. Or at least that was my excuse.

Wufei turned when I plucked out a bulb. I thought about the one I'd wasted, letting it float stupidly in front of Heero like a stuck yo-yo, and almost cackled. It wasn't here now; Heero must've sent it through the incinerator.

"Good morning, Duo," Wufei said.

I shot him a sharp look – good morning? What was Wufei up to? "Uh, yeah. 'Morning." I hated mornings.

"Heero caught you last night, I suppose."

I turned to him completely. He had returned to the stove, but his innocent act wasn't fooling me. I wanted to scream. So, it was his turn, was it?

"Yuy didn't sleep much, so he's resting now."

"Uh-huh." What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I had no reason to say anything.

"Duo, did he tell you anything?"

Well, that was a scary start. Wufei seemed to be waiting for something, like maybe Heero had admitted he had a third tit. "Like what?"

Wufei sighed. "I suppose not," he said. I was about sick of all the talking-to-oneself these two took part in. "Well, in that case..." He turned to me. It was the strangest thing to see Wufei holding some spatula-thing-y like a weapon while he glared hotly at me. I almost laughed. "Duo, we want you to come back with us after this."

"The hell?" I muttered. The hilarity of his position was still there, but its humor had dimmed. "What, you mean like arrest me? No, thank you." I knew damn well that wasn't what Wufei had meant.

"No, Duo." Wufei let out a long-suffering sigh. It seemed he knew I was deliberately misunderstanding him. He turned back to the food he was preparing. "That's not it."

I was a bit disturbed with all the first names Wufei was throwing. "All right, fine." I dropped the stupid act and leaned against the table. "How about just 'no', then?"

"Why?" Wufei asked.

Dammit, I wanted to rip my hair out by the roots. Would that pose enough of a distraction? I played with the idea for a moment before rejecting it. I liked my hair. "Because I don't want to." That sounded petulant. Shit.

Another sigh. "Could you be a bit more specific, Maxwell?" Wufei groused.

I grinned. There was the old Wufei. The nicey-nice act had to hit him hard. He always just went in for the kill. That was the kind of guy he was. Pussy-footing wasn't his style. "Whaddaya mean?" I asked sweetly.

"Maxwell," Wufei warned. "I am trying to be nice."

"I know. It's weird." I slurped at my bulb of grape juice and grinned at the bunching of Wufei's muscles.

"'Weird'?" Wufei echoed. "How so?"

"Well, it's not like you to play around."

Wufei was silent for a moment. "I see. That's astute of you, Maxwell."

"Yeah, well, you know me. I've just got pearls of wisdom stocked everywhere."

"Lost to the cobwebs," Wufei muttered.

I laughed. "How mean, Woo-Woo!" It was so easy to fall back into this, something I'd enjoyed before and had sorely missed these past days as Wufei showed a more companionable side. Or was it that he only argued like this with his companions? Either thought was rather sobering.

"Maxwell, I thought you'd gotten out of that habit." He sounded close to irritated, yet... amused, as well. That was new.

"But it sounds better," I whined.

"Maxwell, 'Woo-Woo' does not sound good at all."

I smiled. "Sure it does. Woo-Woo. Like a train, kinda. It doesn't make a 'chuh' sound, really, so why is it 'choo-choo'?"

"God, Maxwell, I will never follow your thoughts." Wufei poked at something before speaking again. "In any case, I want to speak to you about your disappearing acts and not your wayward thoughts."

Uh-oh. Back on-topic. That was Wufei, all right. "I didn't disappear, or at least not completely. I spoke to Quatre sometimes."

"Winner never told us what you said. Apparently you never mentioned us."

I laughed, but this one was more bitter than happy. "Of course not."

Wufei stilled completely. "Why?"

I squirmed. "What would I say?"

Wufei turned and looked me straight in the eye. "You could perhaps ask how we are doing sometimes, Maxwell."

"I got updates from Quatre without asking," I said without thought, "and sometimes Une would give me information."

Wufei slammed the spatula-thing down. "And did you not think that was unfair, Maxwell?" he snapped. I watched in shock. "Did you not think how we would feel, not knowing where you were or whether you were well?"

"I figured Quatre would tell you if he wanted."

"Is it not Yuy who says that assumptions lead to mistakes?"

"Hey, it was no mistake," I snapped right back. "If Quatre didn't want to tell you, that's his thing. It's not his usual MO, now is it? It's not my fault Quatre held back from you, okay!"

"So you want us to hate Winner?"

"What the fuck? I never said that!" I pushed myself up from my sitting position. "I never told you guys where I was or what I was doing because it was none of your fucking business! You had all disappeared – you especially, Wufei! No one knew where the fuck you were!"

"Quatre himself came to see me," Wufei hissed.

"Because I told him where you were!"

I snapped my mouth shut. Shit! I hadn't meant to say that. Hadn't I told Quatre not to tell Wufei that I'd been the one to find him? Shit!

Wufei gaped for a time before pulling his jaw back into position. "You?"

I shook my head. "Uh-uh. I just said that-"

"Son of a bitch!" Wufei roared. He turned from me and seemed to glare at the stove. "Son of a bitch," he said, quieter this time. "I thought it was Quatre... no, in a way it still was, but..."

"Um, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"Yuy should hear this," Wufei muttered.

"Hey!" I called. "You wanna clue me in here?"

"Winner came to us and pulled us together to make us three a team again. Then Trowa came in, and we were four. Perhaps if he'd come for just Heero and found me... it would have been the same..."

A rumpled-looking Heero sailed into the room and took away the small amount of circuitry that had still been functioning in my brain.

Dammit, it wasn't fair for that man to look good with bed hair and sweatpants. I stared greedily at his naked chest and stomach and back. I forgot about the smells of breakfast.

Those sinewy muscles moved like liquid steel as he grabbed a bulb from inside the fridge. I watched those arms move as he popped the drink open. My God, those pecs...

"Yuy."

"Nn?"

That's right: Heero was as much of a morning person as I was.

"Did you know that Quatre had only known of my existence in the Preventors due to Maxwell's intervention?"

Heero threw me a sharp look. I tried to peel my eyes away from that chest long enough to look innocent of evil thoughts. "No, I didn't. Did he say that?"

"In the middle of a screaming match, so it's more likely to be true."

"I knew something had woken me up," Heero said dryly. But his second look was even more intense.

I scowled. So they knew of my bad habit of blurting shit out when I was upset or pissed. Great.

"I suppose it was most likely on a mission," Wufei continued.

"No. Quatre had told us that Duo had just left recently when he'd some to see us, and Black Strike arrived a week or two after that. Most likely Duo was doing work for Une before he was Black Strike."

"I was handing out information," I said with a sigh. I was tired of being talked around.

Wufei gave me a look. "What information?"

I tried to think back. "I dunno exactly what information it was. Smuggling, I think."

"We got a smuggling case just before Quatre came to us," Heero said grimly.

I almost laughed. It figured that Une would give my information to these two. It would serve her wacky humor perfectly. "Figures," I said with a snort. "That woman has a scary sense of humor." I shook my head. "She's crazy. Still the psycho Lady Une."

Wufei coughed. "Maxwell," he gasped, "she is your superior."

"Yeah, I know," I said with a suffering tone. "She's a real pain in the-"

"Maxwell!"

I laughed.

When the laughter in me quieted, I saw out of the corner of my eye the saddest look on Heero's face I'd ever seen. My smile disappeared immediately. But when I turned to him, he turned around and sailed out.

* * *

We were on-course. We would arrive in about fifteen hours. We would most likely be landing straight into the enemy's hands. I could only hope that we were the only ones who had been targeted with an army. Then again...

Dammit, Heero and Wufei were definitely together, in one way or another. But wasn't that okay? Wasn't that like Wilson Phillips' song? Shouldn't I be happy that he's happy? And besides, it wasn't as if I had any intention of coming out without a scrape or bruise, and even if I did...

I sat back and glared at my monitors. I wanted another fight, another battle. These two were killing me, stalking me right and left. After Heero's exit, I'd made a hasty retreat as well. We'd all eaten Wufei's delicious food, but we hadn't eaten together. Heero sailed back into the room he shared with Wufei, and Wufei had followed. The sense of a relationship between them seemed even stronger. I had eaten in the galley alone, then had saved the rest of the food and cleaned up. The two had never re-emerged.

Now here I was, back in the fucking cockpit and staring at nothing. My eyes turned to that poem on the wall. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to accept the pain that beat hard inside me when I thought of Heero and Wufei together. I only had a few more hours. I had to get ready. I had to be strong.

I closed my eyes and wished I was alone. It was safer alone, even if it was so very quiet and lonely.

I hadn't realized I'd curled up into a ball until someone sat in the co-pilot's seat. My head snapped up like a shot.

Heero was watching me carefully.

I rearranged myself immediately. "Heero. What are you doing here?"

"Why do you curl yourself here in this chair? Wouldn't it be more comfortable on your bed?"

That was a fucking weird question. "Uh... it's kind of like Deathscythe."

Heero seemed surprised. "Deathscythe? That brings you comfort?"

"Didn't Wing bring you comfort?"

Heero looked ahead into the dark abyss of space. "Yes, I suppose so."

I looked into space, as well. Maybe I __was__ like space – not empty, but filled with so many things – asteroids, meteors, suns. Maybe I was like that, too. Vast and never fully understandable. "I loved Deathscythe. It was like I was cleaving a hole in myself when I sent him off."

"Yes. Sometimes I find myself thinking of Wing."

"Exactly," I said fervently. "I miss him."

Heero turned to me. "He's not needed anymore."

"I know. That's why I sent him off. When something isn't needed anymore... especially if it's potentially dangerous to keep it... it's best to just get rid of it." Even though I had trouble doing that. Especially when it came to emotions.

Heero paused. "Like you?"

"Huh?" I turned to him, my eyes wide with surprise. "Like me what?"

"Like you. You were no longer needed, so you left?"

"Uhh..." I thought about it. I hadn't thought of it like that. "Huh." I shrugged. "Maybe."

"So you thought that the four of us together was enough."

"Kind of like a fifth wheel?" I looked back out to space. It was strange to suddenly feel calm while Heero dissected me. Had I made a decision without even realizing it? Maybe I had – that it was okay if Heero was in love with Wufei, if they were happy together. That it was okay if they wanted to come, if only I made certain they lived. That it was okay to be a martyr, but only if I didn't act like one. And maybe... maybe I really, really wanted Heero to see. To see the real me, just in case he never got the chance to see me again afterwards.

They were right to be afraid of my disappearing. Because if I did survive...

Wouldn't it be cruel to shove your love on someone who is already in a perfect relationship?

I shrugged again. "I suppose, maybe a bit. Quatre and Trowa are one axle, and you and Wufei are another. There isn't room for a fifth."

"Wufei and me?" Heero repeated, stunned.

"Hm. I guess." I didn't feel like shrugging again, so I curled myself back into a ball on the seat. How immeasurably beautiful was space? I wanted to see. I wanted to see it all. "Whatever it may be, I've always seen it as the four of you... and me. I don't care if you want to argue it. That's what I saw."

"But how? If it weren't for you, I never would have acknowledged the others." Heero curled up into the co-pilot's seat. I wondered if I should kick him out, but I figured it was probably too late for that.

"You know," I said randomly, "when I got this ship, I had sworn that no one would ever sit in that seat." This time when Heero looked at me, I continued staring out into space. "I swore I would never have a partner. That no one would ever come near me again, and no one would be put in danger because of me again. I never wanted anyone to sit in that damn seat. After a while, I figured it would curse whoever sat in it." I chuckled. "Guess we'll find out, won't we?"

Heero was quiet for a long while, just sitting there staring at me. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked finally.

"I guess it's okay to spill one secret," I said, not really answering the question. "Call it a present."

"In case you don't come back?" Heero asked. His voice was even quieter now. With the Heero I knew, that meant he was getting angry. I wondered if he would lose his temper, and if he did, whether he would still say "omae o korosu" when he did. I wondered where his gun could possibly be hidden with only those sweatpants on.

Or maybe it was better to not wonder about that.

I waited a while, wondering if I should tell him the truth. Finally I just thought to hell with it. "Yeah."

Heero looked back out through the viewscreen, perhaps trying to see what I saw. "Why do you think you'll die?"

"I don't. Not really. But maybe I will." I wondered if that made sense.

"...I see. So just in case?"

"I guess."

There was another silence between us. "You have no intention of coming back, do you?"

"...No."

I saw Heero's fists clench. " _ _Why?__ "

His anguished voice hurt me. I didn't want him in pain, but... "I can't."

"Duo." He turned to me again, his gaze adamant. I focused on the blackness before me even more. "You're welcome with us. We won't hold your disappearance against you. We just want you back!"

I didn't ask why, because I knew any answer I got wouldn't be one I was looking for. I just kept looking out. Maybe that was me, too. No, I knew a lot more about myself, so I wasn't outside looking in when it came to me... when it came to the others? Maybe, maybe not. They were sincere enough about wanting me back, but how could I return? Not just because of the humiliation of saying I needed to be alone and then sheepishly returning with my tail between my legs, but also...

Also because I was very much afraid that the person that they wanted back was the Jester, the me they thought they knew. Always afraid, wasn't I? I was such a coward.

"Duo, look at me?"

It was the pleading sound that had me turning. Heero's eyes were as piercing and beautiful as ever. A man as strong as him would probably be furious to hear me think of him in such a way.

"Duo, why can't you trust us? That's the answer I want more than anything."

It wasn't fair to say that. Of course I couldn't say no to something Heero wanted so much. Not if it was so simple for me to give it. I turned back to the monitor and spoke. "With my life, I trust you. With... with my heart, I don't." I closed my eyes and put my head back. Why did it hurt so much just to say that?

Heero seemed unable to move from his position. Or at least I didn't hear him move. And I listened hard. "I... why?" His voice was almost a whisper.

"It's the Jester you wanted to see."

I said it without thought, naming my mask. I opened my eyes and stared. I hadn't meant to say it. I hadn't meant to say any of this. Maybe I was just hitting a low in my depression. After all, I had given up my last thread of hope of having Heero love me.

"The Jester...?" Heero frowned. "You mean the you that's always smiling."

"The Jester," I confirmed. "That's his name."

Heero said nothing to that, only sat and thought. I knew he was piecing things together. Sometimes I wondered how the man could remember such tiny, specific things from the past and pluck them out for study. He was amazing.

Once this thing was over and Heero and Wufei were done their mission, would I still be around? Would my Demon's Wing? And if I was, what would I do? I didn't want to continue being a bounty hunter forever, after all, but I couldn't go into business or anything. It wasn't my thing at all. And I would always be a threat, just in case anyone ever found out I was Black Strike. I couldn't really settle down anywhere, either, just in case Heero and Wufei started digging around a bit too deeply. Joe could help me get some fake ID's and backgrounds.

Of course, all that was based on the idea that I lived and managed to dump Heero and Wufei off without them hogtying and dragging me back. There was a disturbing thought.

"So he's not you at all," Heero murmured.

"And the Perfect Soldier is you?" I countered.

"A little," Heero admitted. "He is integral to me. He is the soldier inside me, my logic and reason. He's what helps me understand you when you don't want to be understood."

"I never said I didn't want to be understood," I said softly.

Heero looked over to me. "I wish I had the strength to..." He shook his head. "I'll take your curse, Duo. If it's yours, it's mine." He turned to space again.

I looked to him with enough speed to whiplash, suddenly frightened from my lethargic movements. "You'll... what?"

"Your curse of being alone. I accept it. And I'll show you that it's all in your head." He gave me a piercing look. "I won't let you be alone."

With a lurch, my heart burned itself to agony. I hoped. I hoped so hard it hurt to breathe. I didn't want to hope. Not anymore.

I turned away from him and stared out and felt my heart rip itself inside me. It hurt so much to hope. With Heero and Wufei together, it was stupid to want. With what we were about to face, it was ridiculous to dream.

Heero got up from the seat and left the room. With a glazed look, I turned to the poem.

__Forgive these broken wings..._ _

The wings may be broken, but that only meant it hurt to fly.

Right?

* * *

* * *

Eight hours to go.

I could only stare at my ceiling. It wouldn't be impossible for me to just close my eyes and drift off – I'd been trained to be able to do just that. Still, I didn't want to let go of consciousness just yet.

With Heero taking on my curse and Wufei taking on my food, there was nothing more for me to do than wait. And worry. Not about my food – about Heero. And Wufei. And what we were about to do.

I wasn't stupid. I knew what we were heading into wasn't anything worse than what we'd faced during the war. But I'd had __Deathscythe__ then. And... well, I cared deeply for both of these men. I cared outrageously for one in particular. And I was dragging them into a situation they hadn't faced in three years.

Oh, they could handle themselves. I'd gotten my head out of my ass enough to realize that. But that didn't stop my worry. They had each other. I couldn't let either of them get hurt. Heero – I couldn't even imagine letting Heero get hurt. And because he and Wufei were so close, I absolutely could not let Wufei get hurt, either. Since I didn't have anyone to go home to... hell, I didn't even have a home... I was...

Okay, that sort of thought processing had to be stopped. I was about to label myself dispensable, for crying out loud. I knew I wasn't, if only because I'd taken out countless baddies. Whether Wufei liked it or not, my efforts weren't just helpful, they were __needed.__ Period.

Be that as it may... I wouldn't be able to continue. Not with these two on my ass. Doggedly persistent was too nice a phrase for them. They were like rabid leeches.

And Heero. What was it that he wanted, exactly? He seemed desperate to have me come back. He seemed to be fighting with himself, too. There were a few times when he was about to say something, but then almost swallowed his tongue to keep it back. A secret? About me?

I turned over and glared at my wall. On it was the mystery poem, the one that had absolutely zero meaning no matter how many times I read it. I was sick of it. Sick of the secrets and the hidden meanings. Why was life so complicated? Who was the first person who decided, 'hey, I think I'll see just how irritating I can make life before people snap?' The person should be shot. And if he was dead, he should be brought back to life and then shot.

I covered my eyes. What the hell? My mind was going on these random tangents instead of bloody well slowing down. I didn't want to wake up and have all these problems slap me in the face right before I had to land in a war zone.

I wanted to hope for more from them, and I wanted to hope for more from life. But past experience told me that I would be naïve to do so.

Heero was content – except when it came to me returning with him. He was adamant that I go back with him. Why?

That was the real crux of the problem. All Heero ever said to that was "you're one of us." I was beginning to absolutely despise that phrase.

Exactly how was I one of them? How did I fit in? Where? Heero called me... what? The nerve? Like I was the glue that held them all together. But that was Quatre, wasn't it? Wufei had said that Quatre had brought everyone together...

I didn't need to be needed. I knew that. To survive, I only needed three things: food, water, and shelter. And the last was optional.

Or was that not true? What did I need, really? A certain face popped into my head, and I pushed it away. No. I didn't need him. I could do absolutely fine on my own. I have been... right?

"I'm fine," I growled. "I don't need him. He's taken. He's happy. I need to let him go." Maybe the word 'need' was overused in language, or maybe just often misused. Maybe I should delete the word 'need' from my mental dictionary.

Fuck it.

I grabbed a zero-g handle and pulled myself up. This was ridiculous! I had to face off against the Number One Crime Boss of our time in a mere – I checked my time gage – seven hours. I had to be completely ready. I couldn't afford to let my mind wander down these avenues. It may mean the difference between victory and defeat – between life and death. I couldn't afford to let my attention be diverted.

"Dammit," I whispered. I didn't want to deal with this. Heero was taken. End of thought. Whether he wanted to take my curse, whether or not he would let me be alone...

God. Why had he said that stuff to me? Why had he opened up these wounds right before we entered the battlefield?

" _ _So you're right – I have twenty-four hours."__

I didn't understand. Heero seemed so agonized... I wanted to make it into something it wasn't. I wanted to take all his hesitations and emotions and make them mean... but they __didn't__ mean that. How could they? Heero had admitted that he'd never seen the real me... that he'd never seen past the Jester... so how could he have possibly fallen in...

No, best to not even think the words. Yes, I was better off not hoping at all. But how could one continue living without hope?

Screw it; I needed sleep. With a sigh, I returned to my pillow and covers and shut myself off.

* * *

I was awake long before the landing, having only managed a few hours of restless sleep. Still, I was aware. That, too, was part of my training.

Heero and Wufei came in and strapped down. I checked the monitors before snapping on the signal to the tower warning of our impending approach.

"Command, this is X-09342-KG," I intoned boredly, vaguely clicking on a rock song.

"Hello, Black Strike."

I snapped to attention in an instant. I didn't recognize the voice – it didn't match the message sent from Harlow. "Hi, fucker," I said conversationally. "You volunteering to die first?"

There was a short chuckle. "Not quite, Strike. But rest assured, I will be the first to meet you."

"Hm. That's nice. You gonna let me land, or just fuck around with the airwaves?" I asked. I felt adrenaline course its way through my veins.

"We have no intention of letting you land."

We. That was good to know. "Tough shit, man. I have every intention of landing – after kicking your ass." I saw Heero moving into the co-pilot's seat and tensed.

"Don't try to fool us, Strike. We know you aren't alone."

"Yeah, I know that, too. But thanks for pointing it out – it means I don't have to play pussy with you." I switched my gages and prepared for landing. It would be interesting, having a fight while I tried to land.

"Duo, I'm all set up," Heero told me.

I felt a momentary skid of panic before I nodded. I would do everything it took to make certain Heero made it through. I couldn't let my panic overtake me here.

Wufei helpfully switched my music to something harder – Dope. I felt my body relax a fraction and smiled ferally.

"Are you ready, Strike?"

It was weird – I felt for a moment like I was going to be attacking a Wufei-wannabe. I quickly shoved that thought away. "Yeah, yeah. Hurry it up, buddy. I haven't got all day. I got a show to catch this afternoon."

A laser was my answer. I quickly adjusted to dodge and felt a sharp pull from the station's gravity. I gritted my teeth. Shit.

Heero answered with his own laser, having already memorized the target area. A pretty little barrier glowed for a second. I cursed. "Of course." From the days of the war – a barrier to protect the people in the signaling tower.

"I'll take it out," Heero said. His voice was the deep monotone I remembered so very well. Heero had turned Soldier on us.

My grin widened just that bit more.

"All right," I snarled. I tensed at the newest attack, just barely dodging. Wing protested every movement. "Come on, baby." Good damn thing I wasn't doing this while trying to land on Earth. My poor Wing would be wrecked in no time.

Heero fired another shot, accurately hitting the same place as before. The enemy sent another shot back at us. With a groan, Wing followed my orders.

Wufei suddenly showed up beside me, unbelted completely from his seat. I felt a part of the real me come out in time to give me a panicked update of his new vulnerability.

But Wufei was already at work shifting through Wing's hydraulics, trying to ease the strain on the ship. I grabbed his wrist tightly as I dodged another attack. Wufei waited until I let go to continue his administrations.

I watched him carefully as I twisted Wing into alignment with the hangar. "Heero," I warned, noting the lack of time before time was up and dodging was no longer an option.

Heero, in response, blasted another shot.

This one seemed to do more damage to the barrier, but it still stood. I felt a quick grip of apprehension slip through my mask.

"Damn you," I heard Heero mutter, and another blast shot out. The barrier was definitely weaker – but still alive.

Another tight beam launched from the tower, aimed straight towards the ship. The man could aim.

With a sharp cry, I wrenched Wing out of the way. Something splintered. I distinctly heard the sound of wrenching metal. A warning alarm went up all around us. I cursed.

"The hull has broken up," Wufei informed grimly. Bad. I heard automatic seals drop.

"Wufei, put on a suit." Just in case – I had to make sure these guys made it through okay.

"Maxwell," Wufei protested immediately.

"Fucking go, Wufei! Don't be stupid!" I held the ship steady as Heero shot out another beam. The barrier glowed a bright white for a second. I took a short millisecond to be thankful that whatever gun the enemy had placed on the tower, it took a while to recharge. Thank you, Shinigami.

"Maxwell," Wufei hissed, "I am not going to abandon you."

"Wufei." Heero spoke softly, his eyes remaining trained on the enemy tower, "go."

Wufei tensed, ready to argue. Then, right before it seemed he would snap, he gusted out a sigh. "All right. But you better not make me use it."

"Roger that," Heero intoned.

"Aye aye, mon capitan." I saluted him carelessly before twisting the ship once more. The alarm seemed to get even louder.

"Take care," I thought I heard him say, and I wondered who he was speaking to. I sent the message mentally to Heero and shrugged it off.

Heero sent another shot, and the barrier finally fucking broke. I whooped.

Another blast shot out at us. "I can't dodge!" I'd officially run out of time.

Heero met the shot with his own. The blasts fused together into a bright burst of light, momentarily blinding me. I kept the ship straight through feel. And Heero sent out another shot.

Through the spots dancing in my eyes, I saw that shot hit its target-

And just made out the shot coming at us.

"Fuck!" I cried, swerving violently. I heard the entire ship splinter. Something cracked overhead, and the sound of air rushing out sounded. I cursed again. "Suit up!" I cried, struggling to keep my Wing from curving all the way around and splintering itself. Heero stood immediately.

The air shot through, the noise louder than even the alarms, and even more ominous. The tower, I saw, went up in smoke and light. I could only pray Heero had killed the bastard.

I felt Wing tremble beneath me. It didn't want to cooperate anymore. It was hurting. And tired. "Just a little more, buddy. A little more." The air thinned; I had to breathe shallowly. My eyes started to water. I heard the seal come in, covering the hole, and smiled slightly. Saved.

"Duo, we're ready." Heero called over the suit's comm unit.

"Get in the hatch with the spurt guns. I'll be coming shortly." I tugged one last time, then set the coordinates to continue moving forward. Wing digested the information slowly, unwilling to work. "Come on," I murmured. "Come on, baby."

"Duo. Progress report."

"The hole sealed, the tower is unresponsive. Wing is down fifty percent in functioning." I punched through a couple adjustments while I could.

"How much longer?" Wufei asked.

"I dunno. Anywhere from a minute to an hour." I unstrapped myself as I spoke, working quickly but efficiently. The straps had saved me a number of times. I thought shortly of the bruises Wufei must have gained while suiting up. "Hey, 'Fei – sorry for the bumpy ride."

Wufei grunted. "I believe I will live, Maxwell."

"Count on it," I muttered. The straps finally undone, I stood to get my suit. It hung loosely in its clasps, having been jarred constantly in this battle. I snatched it and put it on as quickly as possible. The snaps made me curse – whoever had invented these suits hadn't had emergencies in mind.

Just then my Wing gave me a beep, telling me that it had finally accepted its coordinates.

"Thanks, buddy." I snapped the last clasp in place and reached in for my helmet, pulling it over my head. Would Wing make it through? It couldn't coordinate its own landings – it needed a human's touch to get it right. It would crash onto the station and possibly be beyond repair. I hoped desperately that wasn't the case. Wing had been my faithful friend for years. It wouldn't be right to lose him.

But between him and the two on-board...

It was a no-brainer.

"Maxwell, hurry-" Wufei started, but Heero suddenly cut him off.

"Duo, look out!"

I turned from the workings of my helmet to see the tower's laser fire one more time. The tower blew up then, having apparently overheated. The bastard had lived.

There was no way to dodge.

I saw that beam coming towards me and cursed, already moving. My hands continued working diligently on my helmet; my feet tried desperately to move faster, faster.

I felt it even before it hit, a wave of heat and energy so strong it hummed through my poor ship. I wouldn't make it to the hatch-

"Duo!"

"Duo!"

It crashed like lightning and thunder and a wave strong enough to keep you under, unable to break the surface and breathe – all in an instant.

I felt myself being thrown forward and lost sense of up and down. A crashing, sucking noise filled my head, with tinny sounds of horror and fear. I recognized, for an instant, Heero screaming my name, even as light blinded me to everything.

Then there was pain, a searing pain, then an unnatural heat – the vacuum of space. I think I screamed then. Or maybe it was Heero and Wufei, screaming for me.

The pain increased to spread through my entire body, filling me with heat and darkness-

Yes. I grabbed the darkness and fell in, desperate. Please take me.

* * *

* * *

"God, God, I hadn't hit it hard enough."

"Enough of that, Yuy. You did the best you could."

"God-"

"Yuy, I mean it. You took the tower down. You saved Maxwell's life-"

"We don't know that yet. God, Wufei, how long was he exposed to that vacuum? How long – there's only a vague estimate as to how long someone can be exposed without... without..."

"Yuy! You know Maxwell just as I do – he will not die. His health has improved. You must stop this. We need to be strong for when Maxwell awakens. We need to be able to help him. Right now we are in enemy territory. We must remain strong and alert."

"I know that. I... I know that. But..."

A sigh. "I understand. I was there, too, Yuy. You are not the only one who cares for Maxwell."

A silence. "I know. God, Wufei, I know."

Movement...

I thought about moving, but the thought alone made me tired. Giving up, I slid back into darkness.

* * *

Something pressed against my lips. A smell assaulted my nose, something sickly strong. I turned, using up all my energy, and heaved – dry heaves. The smell left.

"He won't eat." The voice sounded a bit anxious.

"This isn't good. It's been three days."

"Duo, Duo... come on..."

I finished trying to hack up my lungs and simply collapsed back into sleep, exhausted once more.

* * *

"Yuy-"

"Four days, no food, hardly any water..."

"Give him time. He took some shrapnel with that vacuum-"

"I know! I know. But God-"

I tried to turn to the noise, recognizing the emotion, recognizing the voice. It was impossible to move my body – it was lead. My tongue felt thick, my head heavy. There was a blaring headache slamming into me from all sides. My eyes felt dry and puffy all at once, my lips swollen, my cheeks heavy. Something itched all along my scalp and neck. I was hot, but cold all the same.

Impossible. I needed rest.

* * *

I felt more normal when I awoke next. Pain wasn't everywhere, but instead focusing on my head and side and left arm. My tongue still felt a bit thick and dry, and my eyes were a bit dry, as well, though oddly not as much as before, either by healing themselves or by human intervention.

I tested my hands first, seeing if I could move them. I could, but my left arm protested a bit.

"Maxwell?"

I turned to the voice, noting Wufei's presence late in the game. I realized it was because I hadn't yet opened my eyes. I quickly scanned the area and wondered that we were still on L2. It was definitely another storage room, but this time I think it had been long abandoned – Heero and Wufei had obviously cleaned the place up, but there was still some mold on the walls. A small room with a door off its hinges promised a bathroom and more mold. Boxes were piled taller than me on both sides. Dust sifted idly in the air, illuminated by two hanging fluorescent lights. Their ominous swaying concerned me.

"Where are we?" I croaked. My voice cracked, and an itch started in the base of my throat. I proceeded to cough up my kidneys.

Wufei quickly grabbed a canteen and unscrewed the lid, pressing it to my lips. Carefully, knowing the dangers of drinking too fast after a long time, I sipped. I tried to lift my hand and could only touch the canteen, not actually able to hold it. I felt weak.

I remembered the haunting sound of air gushing into space, leaving me... with nothingness. I shivered.

"Cold?" Wufei asked.

Still drinking, I could only shake my head slightly.

"We're in an abandoned – we believe – cargo bay about three kilometers from where we landed, near Hold 27. We've been here for almost five days now. None of Harlow's men have found us, though a few have passed by. Heero is out scouting right now. It figures you would awaken the one moment he's not by your side. He's going to be pissed."

I let my hand fall and Wufei put the canteen aside. "How...?"

"How are you alive?" Wufei asked, always perceptive.

I nodded slowly, unwilling to test out the strength of my raging headache.

"Yuy left the hatch the moment he saw the beam coming toward the ship. I believe he found you in time to see a piece of your ship catch your right side-" Wufei gestured at the wound I felt complaining at that very moment "-and your helmet wobbled. He grabbed you and brought you back to the hatch, and we jetted to the station."

"How? Wasn't the entire ship destroyed?" I felt bad for it – my faithful friend, and once again I sent him to his death.

"No, the man's aim had been faulty, thank God – the shot only hit the front of the ship. Otherwise both you and Yuy would be dead."

I winced. Jesus. Heero and I were going to have to talk. When the hell had he decided to risk his life for someone else while on a mission? Damn, did the man ever think?

"Maxwell, do you think you could eat something?"

The thought of food was absolutely revolting, but I knew I had to buckle down and do it sometime – might as well face the torture now, head on. I shrugged. "All right."

Wufei gave me a look that plainly said he knew damn well how I felt about the subject, but he went and got the food anyway. It ended up being, of all things, civilian ration bars. I almost laughed.

"And to think you disparaged me for eating these things," I joked, carefully breaking off a tiny corner. I chewed it, being careful not to swallow, testing my stomach. It heaved at the taste, just as I'd known it would, and rolled around in fury for a while. Only when it calmed to dull loathing did I dare swallow the small bite. My stomach pouted for a bit before deciding it actually wanted what I was offering. Still, I only managed a few small bites before pushing it away. "Later," I said quietly, and Wufei's severe look lessened.

A small sound came, a tap-tapping sound, like someone was moving their foot to a nonexistent beat.

"Yuy has returned," Wufei noted.

I turned my eyes immediately to the source of the noise. I had already seen Wufei, and he hadn't suffered damage. That left Heero – the one who'd entered Hell to get me back out.

He came in, his eyes immediately seeking my bed as he descended. He stopped cold at seeing me awake.

"Duo?"

It was such a hesitant, hopeful sound that I found myself unable to respond. It raised the question, just as a plague would bring a recurring fever – why? Why had he come for me, risking his life, doing everything he could to save me? Why did I have vague, shifting fragments in my mind that all heard Heero's voice in anguished fear? What did it mean?

"You may come in, Yuy," Wufei said dryly, and Heero jumped and flushed. I didn't have the energy to do that, so I merely blinked and looked Heero over. Was it just me, or did Heero have a slight limp?

"Yuy, how is your leg?"

Oh, fuck! Heero really __was__ hurt?

Heero rubbed it almost sheepishly. "Fine," he grunted.

"Yuy," Wufei warned.

My God. Heero had gotten hurt saving me, almost getting himself killed. My God. What would I have done if Heero had lost his life for me?

Definitely needed to talk. Soon. Now.

"Fine," he repeated. "It was a minor wound – I just bumped it."

"And how, pray tell, did you manage that?" Wufei pressed.

Heero – flushed. "I helped a child cross the street."

Wufei snorted as my eyes bugged out slightly. "Fool. She hit your leg, didn't she?"

"I didn't say it was a girl." But Heero nodded. "Yes. She did."

My God. It was unbelievable to see and hear this. Was this what their conversations were usually like, those multiple times they went inside their room and closed the door, leaving the conversation between only them? Was this what Heero and Wufei talked about when I wasn't around? Had Heero truly become so... so freaking nice?

No, it wasn't 'become.' That wasn't the right term. Heero had always had the streak of kindness in him. He'd saved me, after all, even when he'd had no intention of doing so. And Quatre had once said that Heero had played with dogs once. I'd snorted, but apparently it had been true.

Was Heero really comfortable enough to help a young girl cross the street? Had that gentleness always been there? How beautiful it would be to be privy to that side of him, that precious kindness that Heero had needed to suppress for so many years. I was happy for him – happy that he'd finally found a chance to release that part of himself. And even more disgusted with him, that he would throw it all away for just me.

Even though I was oddly happy that Heero had been willing to throw it all away for just me.

 _ _What a contradiction is man__ , I thought wryly, and looked out from myself to see Heero coming towards me.

Other than the limp, he seemed all right. But were there other injuries, injuries the unknown little girl hadn't managed to hit in some way? Heero had always been a stoic, especially with pain. How bad was it really?

But his eyes were sharp and clear, and so full of such obvious relief that it hurt me to see it. "Duo, I'm so glad you're awake." Still I didn't speak, too shocked to hear Heero's thankful tone. He really was... glad. "Duo?"

I shook my head, feeling like I was coming up from a trance. "What happened?" I asked hoarsely.

Heero threw Wufei a sharp look. "He just awoke a bit ago, Yuy," Wufei said, a bit defensive. "I've been more concerned with feeding him."

"He's fine," I said quickly, trying to dispel the sudden tension. The last thing I needed was a riff between lovers. "I meant... when everything exploded – what were you doing?"

Heero's face flashed far too many emotions for me to catch and name. "I was saving you."

"Stupid," I muttered.

Heero immediately got defensive. "Excuse me? I saved your hide!"

"I didn't ask you to! You could've been killed!" I stopped abruptly and coughed. I'd irritated the itch.

Wufei automatically grabbed the canteen and returned to my side, though he didn't seem to know who to send his glare toward at the moment. "Yuy, you should know better than to have a fight with Maxwell with him in this condition. And Maxwell, dammit, if he hadn't, I would have. You're a part of the team. We won't leave you behind."

I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn't spare a moment for words. I was too busy trying to force myself inside-out.

Heero apologized. "Duo..."

I didn't want to hear it. All of Heero's kindness, I had known, was nothing more than... than some twisted form of friendship. I had known it, but that evil imp Hope had whispered that there was more. He'd tortured me one more time, only to once again rip it away from me. Wufei, after all, would have done the same.

I shook my head, then gulped a breath and held it. Slowly, slowly the coughs died down, and I was able to drink and ease my throat. "No," I managed. "No more." Wufei pulled the water away, misunderstanding.

But Heero understood. "Duo, we won't-"

"Enough," I growled, and I fucking snapped. "I am __not__ 'a part of the team.' Stop saying that shit. Stop treating me as if we're best buddies. We aren't! During the war, the two of you went out of your way to hate my fucking guts! Now you're suddenly being buddy-buddy – just knock it off!" I winced – my side was splitting itself in two. I looked down, just then noticing my naked chest bandaged six ways to Sunday. I instantly felt bad – these guys had risked their lives for me. They'd saved my life. And I was screaming at them. How ungrateful could you get?

"Maxwell." Wufei stepped forward, his face determined. Heero was still where he'd been before, his face twisting into several odd distortions. It would have been almost funny if it weren't for the pain etched into each one.

Shit. I didn't want to hear this. I hadn't meant to say that! It had just... slipped out. As usual. Gods, I was stupid sometimes.

Wufei seemed to see my thoughts somehow – as usual. He smiled gently, trying to put me at ease. It put my back up. "Duo," Wufei sighed. "I suppose we must explain __why__ we pushed you away."

Not good. Wufei __never__ gave insight into his emotions. Was he planning to kill me or something? But then why bandage me up?

Wufei glanced sidelong at Heero. "Yuy, how about sitting down? This may take a while."

Not good.

Heero turned his eyes to Wufei and did that silent communication thing. Damn it all to hell. Like the mold and mildew around me wasn't bad enough – now I had to deal with eye-zapping information flying over my damn head.

Heero thumped down on the nearest box and let his head fall slightly, even though his shoulders were tense. He seemed to be fighting with himself.

Wufei nodded to himself. "I will begin," he declared, and I thought I heard Heero sigh with relief. I couldn't check to be sure, though, because Wufei had pierced me with his serious gaze, the one that meant business. The feeling of impending doom returned with a vengeance. "Maxwell-"

"Look," I interrupted quickly, "you don't have to do this. I'm fine. I just needed to get it off my chest, and-"

"Maxwell, stop. We understand. We all had the chance to watch one another's... transformations." I was shocked that he'd tagged it just how I saw it. "We'd seen the changes come through – the person outside the warrior. You were never given that chance, despite the fact that you..." Now Wufei seemed to be struggling with himself. His fists clenched. He finally sat down, as well, on a long, rectangular box that looked old enough to collapse under Wufei's weight.

Okay, this was scary.

Heero whispered something, something like "goddammit." But I couldn't be sure.

"So you don't understand," Wufei finished that track and blew into the next. "Maxwell, it was never that I did not like you. It was the opposite – you made me feel alive. On the battlefield, I felt myself become lost in the killing, and I began to believe that all I was was a warrior. I hadn't been a soldier always, but a scholar." Somehow, that surprised me, though I'd always seen Wufei as a genius. "I hadn't wanted anything to do with the war, but then..." He took a careful breath. "Events forced me into the position. You, when we spoke – argued – managed to remind me of what I had been – what I had lost. I was afraid... of what would happen to me if I lost you. I was afraid I would truly become nothing more than a warrior. To protect myself, I tried to push you away. You had been so persistent, and I feared you would come too close, bring me too far from the soldier I had to be even as I wanted so very badly to be something else... when that Dekim Barton bastard came into play, I had been alone for... a while. I felt like I had lost that part of me that was a scholar, and I would never find him again. It took me... a very long time... to see that I had only fought him back – and so fought you back."

I could say nothing, shocked to my bones. I couldn't fully comprehend it – Wufei had been scared of me, of what I made him remember? I... I had been so important to him that he'd been afraid to let me close?

"I... had the same problem, in a way," Heero said quietly. My eyes snapped to him, still wide. His head was still bowed, his hands twined with one another and holding his head up. His wild hair covered his face. "I needed to be emotionless. That was how I was taught. That was how I won."

Hearing J's indoctrination made my blood boil, just as it always did. If the man weren't dead, I would kill him.

"You were... different. Immediately, I could see it – you spoke to Relena so calmly; you __joked__..."

Funny that he brought up Relena, since I didn't really like the girl. Not that she wasn't bringing peace, because she was, and for that I was very, very grateful. Still... I just couldn't like the woman.

"You even joked when you were getting me out of that Oz hospital..." I remembered that, of course. "I couldn't understand how someone like you could be an efficient pilot."

Yeah. I had caught that.

"At first I thought of you as a detriment to any mission we would attempt. But then you proved yourself... more than competent. I couldn't understand why. And then... when you were around... I felt. I wasn't supposed to feel – it would mess me up, and I wouldn't be able to win anymore. So I pushed you away, trying to save myself and... and the world. To win the war, I needed you away from me, before I lost myself to those emotions. After the war... God, when I finally had the chance to feel... you were gone."

And Heero was silent.

Wufei looked away from Heero and back to me. "Maxwell, it is not that we are... 'suddenly acting buddy-buddy.'" The term sounded almost comical coming from Wufei's mouth. "For the past three years, we have slowly come to realize how important you were. You kept us sane – all of us. You don't understand because you've only seen how cruelly we treated you during the war – and after it, for that short time you continued coming near us. We didn't realize. We had only seen our own suffering. When you had opened yourself to us, we had only seen the danger of opening ourselves as well, and hadn't noticed that you had already taken the risk."

What could I say? It was true. I'd risked everything to create a friendship with these men – and I'd lost everything. The Jester wanted to say I shouldn't gamble and laugh it off. Shinigami didn't give a damn. But the real me... the real me hurt for it. And hurt to be reminded of it.

"We hadn't understood, Duo," Wufei whispered. There was pain in __his__ eyes now, pain I couldn't bear to see. "We should have... it was there, just a step away from the thoughts we were already having. We should have seen, but we chose not to."

"Quatre, of course," Heero spoke up now, "had seen. Quatre always sees." It sounded almost bitter, the way he said that. "He had been the only one to open up to you fully. Trowa had tried, a bit, following Quatre's example, but he couldn't. He..." Heero took a deep breath. "He remembers how he reacted to you when you found him at the circus. He remembers... that he hadn't been able to link to you, as he had with Quatre."

I, too, remembered. "Hey, hey," I said quickly, trying to sound flippant and just sounding... sad. And scared. "It's fine, really. I understood. That's why I got Quatre, okay? I got it; I wasn't blind. He needed Qat. No big. And... really... it's fine that you guys were-"

"Maxwell, will you stop for one damn minute?" Wufei growled. "We are attempting to make amends. Shut up and let us."

"Umm... I'm cool with it, really." Lie, lie, lie. So much for my little mantra. "I mean, I get it. We were at war. I should've known better."

"Maxwell, we would not have as many scars as we do if we'd have opened up with you. And we would not have lost you."

 _ _You never had me!__ I wanted to scream, but kept myself silent. They __could__ have had me, after all. That's what Wufei meant, I think – they lost me even before they even had me.

"Look..." They had opened themselves, so I should too, right? After all, I hated being indebted to people. I earned my own way, every way. "I respected you guys."

They both flinched.

I quickly changed the sentence. " _ _Respect__ you guys. During the war, you had such honorable reasons to fight, and all I wanted was... revenge. You were strong. I just wanted to pack together-" Fuck, I had admitted to Heero's suspicion that they had been my gang "-because of my own weaknesses. I knew I wasn't as strong as you guys."

"That's not true," Heero whispered. For the first time, he looked up and met my eyes. I was shocked as hell to see Heero's eyes red. I didn't see any tear tracks on his face, but... "You had more strength than us, Duo. We couldn't find the strength to do what you did, even as you fought like hell on the battlefield."

"And got captured constantly," I muttered. Though, dammit, I __had__ been competent. If I hadn't been, I would be dead right now.

"Enough of that, Maxwell. You are the best stealth operative of us all, and the best hacker. Quatre may have the best group logic and heart, and Trowa may be a strong all-out fighter and acrobat; though I have my skills in swordsmanship and pyrotechnics, with Heero having strong strength and endurance, you have your own skills that we cannot surpass. These are our strengths."

"Don't forget how smart you are, 'Fei," I put in quickly. He'd given himself pretty small skills considering how great he was.

"Fine, Maxwell," he said with irritation. But he preened. "You have your own skills, and don't you forget it."

I shrugged, then winced. Damn, my left arm hurt, too. Goody. I was already injured. And so was Heero. I wasn't liking this.

"Jesus, guys," I said suddenly, "is anyone else getting the feeling that we need back-up?" The hesitation in the air made me narrow my eyes. "What?"

"We have already asked for assistance," Wufei told me.

"Hell," I muttered. "You Preventors aren't supposed to be a part of this."

"Yes, I know. That is why we have asked for Trowa and Quatre to accompany us."

I gaped. "But... Qat's a businessman now!" I sputtered.

"And still a pilot," Heero put in. "He's in a meeting right now, but it will be wrapped up by tomorrow. He'll be shipped in secretly with Trowa afterwards."

"How secretly?" I demanded. Fear tightened my chest.

"We have no idea how." Meaning secret as fuck.

"Thank the gods for that, at least," I muttered. My side mocked me – I was damn tired.

"Maxwell, sleep some more. When you wake up, we'll try to get more food in you."

I frowned. Great.

Still, I couldn't help the waves of exhaustion from roiling over me. I found myself lying back and relaxing further into the small cot beneath me. I still needed to recover. It would be best if I got as much sleep as possible before we had to get moving again.

Heero came to stand before me, his eyes still red. "Duo," he breathed, then paused for a second. I felt my eyes droop and fought it. "I... I hadn't even known I was moving until... until I saw you. I had no choice but to save you."

No choice? But the way he said it... so sad, so wistful, so... burdened...

 _ _My angel__ , I thought, slipping suddenly into sleep. He truly was my angel.

My mouth curved slightly. Hope... the bastard kept coming back...

Until the end of time... I would always love him.

* * *

* * *

I woke with a clearer head. Immediately my mind decided to skip back to Heero's and Wufei's admissions, as if awaiting my moment of cognizance to beat the shit out of me.

Were they kidding? Teasing? Manipulating? No, neither would do such things. I may not have been with them for the past three years, but I knew enough of them to know they would never be so cruel.

Which demanded I sit back and seriously digest what all they just told me.

I didn't know where to start. Maybe the pain I'd felt all those years ago, reaching out to nothing. Or maybe the looks on their faces as they admitted their mistakes, as if they were punishing themselves for it even as they spoke. Or their tones – so sad and regretful.

Or more precisely, the way Heero's face broke down, the red swollen look to his eyes. Heero? Crying? For something he did to me years ago?

Could they miss me so much?

What should I do? I didn't want them to suffer. The last thing I wanted was for them to hurt in any way. Should I go back with them? Should I just... let them take me back? Surely I could handle it. I could be the Jester again. I could return, if only to make sure that I never saw Heero's eyes that red ever again.

It meant an eternal sacrifice for me, eternal pain until finally I found death. It meant giving up my last hope of finding myself and gaining nothing for the loss but pain. It meant suffering.

I'd been able to continue saying no. I'd been able to stand for myself and no one else. But I hadn't seen those tears before. They... they were what I couldn't say no against. They hurt me too much. I never wanted Heero to cry. If my absence, for whatever reason, hurt him so much, I would return. I would go back to them, for them. I would accept whatever pain it meant I would go through. I didn't want them... hurting. I would take their pain. It was my duty – as the jester, as Shinigami. As Duo Maxwell. I always acted better as the laughing martyr than Heero or Wufei.

I would hate myself forever, no matter who I was. I would despise myself. And I would never find myself.

But I couldn't let Heero cry again.

I opened my eyes, afraid to face the day now that I had made such a decision. I knew I had to be careful; the bastards were perceptive. If I didn't walk through this cautiously, they would find out I was only doing it for them.

Had to be slow. Careful.

It was slowly that I sat up, carefully that I turned my head. With a blush I realized I was very close to losing my dignity by pissing where I slept. I struggled roughly to my feet.

"Duo?"

I hissed; Heero. I took another look around and found Wufei absent. He had to be the one on watch duty. I tried to ignore Heero and stand. My side hurt like a bitch.

"Duo, take it easy." Heero came up by my side, his hands out as if to help me.

"No," I growled. I couldn't. Not yet. If I was going to give up my solitude merely for the others, I... I needed to gain some strength first. Before my heart tore itself to shreds. I couldn't bear, after all, to imagine watching Heero and Wufei kiss.

"Duo, let me help."

"Enemy territory," I reminded Heero tersely. In other words, I needed to be able to handle myself.

Heero made an irritated noise, but he stood back. He understood full well the necessity of taking care of oneself while in enemy territory, injury or no.

I made it to the bathroom – which, just as I suspected, had been usurped by the almighty power of Mold and Mildew – and relieved myself. I had to bring back the Jester without them getting suspicious. Then I had to go back with them and...

God. God, it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted...

But I couldn't have him! I leaned, panting, against the disgustingly dirty wall and fought the stupidly useless tears. No. He and Wufei had a very close, obviously intimate relationship. Just like Quatre and Trowa. I was happy for them. Really. I was really happy for them.

I was... but I couldn't stop the tears.

"Duo? Are you okay?"

Oh my God, Mama-Yuy was timing me. Jesus. "Fine." I managed to keep my response clear of any sorrow or pain. No wobbles, no sniffles. I would be even better in a minute. I just needed a minute. One minute.

Two minutes later, I flushed the toilet and left the room with a clean face. The mirror, cracked and practically useless, had shown my eyes to be only slightly red. My eyes hadn't gotten the chance to swell that much. But still, still I knew he would see.

He didn't disappoint me.

"Duo?" Heero's eyes pierced through me as soon as I exited the cubby-hole bathroom. His eyes flashed, but this time I had a chance to read them – shock, sorrow, fear. Fear? Something like that. Worry? Maybe that was the better term. "Duo, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I muttered, already knowing the bastard wouldn't let it go.

"Duo," he warned.

The response was just like what Wufei's would have been. It made me want to cry again. "Nothing," I said more firmly.

"Duo, if this is about last night-"

"It's not."

"The hell it's not!" Heero rushed in front of me when I would have just returned to my little cot. "Duo, __talk__ to me. What's wrong?"

Saying 'nothing' again would probably hit a nerve. "You don't need to worry about it."

"Dammit, Duo!" Heero snapped, and I realized I'd hit a nerve anyway. "It's not about __need__! Maybe I __want__ to help! Did what we said yesterday mean nothing?!"

I flinched.

Immediately Heero snapped his mouth shut and raked a hand through his hair. "Duo-"

"I got it," I murmured. "I got it, okay? I got it. Just... drop it."

Heero didn't seem to know what to say. "Quatre and Trowa will be here soon."

I hummed and got back in bed. Sleep. I needed to sleep. I could be the Jester when I woke up again. I just needed time to change back into someone I hadn't let myself be in... in a very long time.

"Duo," Heero whispered.

"I'm just going to get a bit more rest, then we can plan our next move."

Heero hesitated. I knew, though, that he would consent. We had to be ready. "All right."

I nodded and turned, favoring my injured side and arm. I loved Heero. More than anything. If he wanted Wufei as his lover... fine. That made him happy. It made him smile. He could talk to the man, show him his secrets. Heero loved Wufei. I could handle that. Why did I listen to Wilson Phillips' song? Because I understood it – very, very well.

And if the regrets he had for what he did to me during the war hurt him... if not having me around hurt him...

I would open the door. I would open the door and let him in. Because I love him. I didn't ever want Heero to cry again. Not Heero.

My hands clenched into fists. The pain in my arm hardly existed to me at that point.

I would do anything to keep Heero from his pain. Anything.

__I love you, Heero._ _

And I would never say those words out loud.

* * *

I wasn't awakened when Wufei returned, but I let it slide. Instead, when I __did__ awaken, I took another bathroom break, during which I __didn't__ cry, and got into planning our newest strategy.

"Well," I sighed, "all those weapons I got are long gone."

"Quatre's bringing more." When I turned to Heero with a cocked brow, he merely shrugged. "I suppose Quatre has contacts, too."

I had to wonder how much shit Quatre took for having said contact. Was it as much as I had taken? I didn't think so. But maybe that was just because it was impossible to yell at Quatre.

"So, what's the plan?" According to my own rules, I was taking it slow. Only my tone had changed, and only slightly. Wufei seemed a bit more relaxed. Heero seemed to tense whenever I spoke.

What, exactly, did the man want from me?

"From what we can gather, the enemy's base is off on the right field past Sector H-5," Wufei told me. "There are fortresses set up strategically through the sectors in the H quadrant. We have to go through mountains of armed forces before getting to Harlow."

"When don't we?" I grumbled, flicking my braid. "Okay, then, we'll just beat the hell out of everybody."

"Yes, Maxwell, thank you for that extraordinarily useful tactic. Why don't we just rush in and beat up all the enemies? It's perfect."

I laughed at Wufei's dry tone. He'd loosened up almost as soon as I started speaking like the Jester. I had to wonder if Heero would also be comfortable if he hadn't seen the evidence of my tears. I cursed my weakness. "See? Wufei says it's brilliant. I say we try that."

"Maxwell, do you even understand the word 'sarcasm?'"

I had only begun laughing when the tension in the air increased. I stopped fairly quickly, looking at Heero's and Wufei's expressions.

Heero looked both angry and hurt all at once, and Wufei looked about ready to bolt.

Ah. An indirect insult to my intelligence. I'd been so accustomed to it, I hadn't caught it in time. I rolled my eyes. "Man, I know you were joking. Chill."

Wufei seemed wholly uncomfortable. "Maxwell, I-"

"For the love of – drop it, 'Fei. I know, okay? It's no big deal to joke about it." There hadn't been any cutting tone in there, after all. Not like during the war.

"Duo." Heero's voice was silky-soft and absolutely furious. "Why the hell are you-"

A sudden tapping began on the door above, again like someone was banging their foot to a beat. I smiled at the obviously classical tune. "Qat's here."

"Must you make nicknames for everyone?" Wufei huffed as Heero cautiously opened the door.

"Yes. It's shorter. And fun." I turned to see Quatre's eyes quickly scanning the room and locking on me.

"Duo!"

Quatre launched himself across the room and into my arms, wrapping his own around my neck. I bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain and hugged him back. "Hey there, Qat," I said quietly. Here was someone I couldn't hide from. Quatre always saw right through me. Even during the war... he'd just known.

Quatre hugged me hard enough to steal my breath, then pushed me back to look at me. "Let me see you." I knew he immediately saw my pain – I saw its reflection in his eyes – but then he smiled. "I'm glad to see you again, my friend."

"And I you," I said honestly. He was definitely older, with his cute little chubby-cheeks gone. His hair was still too far into his face, still golden. His eyes, still baby-blue, were still wide, giving him a false look of naiveté. He was a bit taller, but still shorter than me, though only by about an inch.

It felt so good to see him again.

Almost, almost I fell against him and wept. Almost I told him everything, all my pain and confusion and fear.

But instead I smiled and turned to Trowa, who was calmly leaning against the wall by the door. He'd grown even fucking taller, the bastard, leaner and stronger. His hair was still covering one eye. But on his lips was a small, beautiful smile as he looked on Quatre. His eye, when it met mine, was sharp, both approving and disapproving. For coming back. For leaving.

I couldn't apologize. Because I would be returning... against my will.

"Hey, I was told you guys had presents?" I looked between the two of them.

"We're to exchange information while retrieving them," Quatre explained. "Trowa will leave with Wufei while I stay with you and Heero."

Sounded logical. I shrugged, ignoring my arm. I was officially in a lot of pain. A little more would only serve as a distraction to the larger. "Works for me. See ya soon, guys!" I waved to Trowa and Wufei. Wufei cocked a brow before leaving.

"All right." Quatre put his hands on his hips. "What is going on here?"

I had expected it, in a way. Quatre wouldn't be one to miss the tension radiating off of us. "Nothing, Qat. It's me."

Quatre's eyes snapped to me. "What do you mean, 'it's you'?"

I shrugged again. "You know. I've been a pain."

Quatre's eyes flickered as he digested everything I didn't say. "I want to hear everything," he ordered. "I mean __everything__."

I nodded, even while I knew I would keep things out. With a sigh, I sat down. "All right."

"And then __you__ ," Quatre turned to Heero, "are going to tell me everything he doesn't tell me."

Heero looked a bit surprised, but then he smiled and nodded. "Of course."

I sighed. Quatre always did know me too well.

"All right, then. Duo..." Quatre hesitated, then looked between Heero and me for a split second. Then he sighed and focused on me once more. "Let's hear it."

* * *

I stuck to the battles and other plain facts before entering into the personal stuff, knowing it was important to get that out first – and also knowing how it would hurt Quatre to hear it. I tried to spare him as much as possible, but Heero fucked that over royally. He hid nothing from Quatre. It didn't surprise me when, after being told verbatim what that damn poem said on my cockpit's wall, Quatre had to leave to escape to the bathroom.

I hung my head in my hands. "Yuy, do you have to be so cruel?"

"I told him everything you didn't," Heero said calmly. "He's stronger than he looks."

"I know that," I snapped. "But..." I looked to the door. "He's hurting now."

"He knows what it means." My head turned back to him, eyes wide. Heero's face was almost fierce. "He knows who the poem is addressed to."

Of course he did. Quatre had been there, right there while my heart broke. Of course he knew. Just as he would never tell Heero – because I'd made him promise. The one thing I'd ever made him promise me.

I turned away from those eyes.

"Duo, I want to know."

I shook my head. "No."

"Why?"

So frustrated. So upset. But I had to have this one secret, this one piece of me, untouched and unblemished, as painful and cruel as the secret was to me. I couldn't ever let him know. "I hadn't even meant to tell Quatre. He... walked in on it."

Heero was silent then, filling in the pieces that I'd skipped. "I see."

I kept my eyes on the bathroom, waiting for Quatre to come back out.

"Duo." Heero hesitated again. "Would it... help... to talk about it?"

"It won't change anything."

Heero struggled with something. "But, despite that... it's easier..."

Ah. So Heero had admitted to everyone, or at least one of the pilots, that he loved Wufei. I suppose it __had__ been easier, at least for him. Because he'd gotten what he'd wanted. Who he'd wanted. But I wouldn't say anything, just it case it hurt him. Instead I made a noncommittal sound.

"Quatre may be strong," I whispered finally, "but he hurts when one of us hurts. He takes all the pain onto himself. No one is strong enough to handle that and still be okay. Just... think about that."

Heero sighed. "I know that."

 _ _Then why are you hurting him?__ I wanted to ask, but didn't. "I don't want him taking any of my pain. It's mine to bear."

"Duo, that's wrong. It's all of ours." Heero leaned forward. "It's something we all had to learn. If we try to suffer through alone, we not only hurt ourselves, but also those close to us. By seeing you in pain and not being allowed to help, we-"

"I can handle it myself." I have for years.

"Not completely. None of us could," he assured, putting his hands up slightly when I turned to snap at him. "We helped each other heal. It's easier to stitch up a wound with someone else's help."

I just turned away again. This pain couldn't be healed by anyone. "Heero," I said suddenly, then stopped. I didn't want to ask him. I didn't have the courage to. I couldn't.

"What?"

Curious, worried, concerned. I was beginning to understand Heero's tones again. I closed my eyes. This can't be happening. Seeing Heero like this – kind, caring, open. It was making me love him even more. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

I couldn't ask him. It would kill me. "Nothing."

"Duo. Tell me."

I found my heart beating faster and faster. I shook my head.

"Duo-"

For the second time, I was rescued by a tapping on the trap door. Heero seemed about ready to spit. He stood with an agitated flourish and went to the door to answer it.

Quatre came out of the bathroom just as Trowa and Wufei placed down the fifth box. "Last one," Wufei grunted, rolling his shoulders. Trowa said nothing, just turned to Quatre. I saw his eye widen slightly before he rushed to Quatre's side.

Why, when feeling a warm fuzzy in the air and seeing such a beautiful bond of love, did I feel like dying?

Trowa glanced over at me, glaring slightly. I turned away from that, too. How could I answer it? Quatre's pain was my fault, because I was in pain.

Dammit, this was why I didn't want to be around these guys. I always hurt when they were near.

But Quatre turned Trowa's eyes back to him and shook his head. He hugged Trowa tight. Trowa's long arms wrapped around Quatre's body, holding him close. He stiffened for a second, obviously reacting to something Quatre said, before whispering something unintelligible in return and hugging Quatre tighter.

I turned almost wildly to Wufei.

"Hey, so we're heading out tonight?"

Wufei turned from Quatre and Trowa and nodded to me. "Yes. It would be best if we moved out as soon as possible. We don't want these provisions to be found, just in case we'll need more later."

"What've we got?" I asked.

"Everything from machetes to grenades," Wufei confirmed.

I grinned. "Awesome. Grenades? Perfect."

Wufei sighed and shook his head.

And then my nightmare came true: Trowa and Quatre moved off into a corner to talk, and Wufei and Heero went into another corner.

And for the next hour, I was once again alone.

* * *

* * *

We were all rested up, though I was positive I got a more restful sleep than the others due to having taken up the one and only cot in the storage area, though this was done apparently because of my injuries. Everyone woke up around midnight. We grabbed as much as we could carry, then carefully mixed our boxes with the others in the small storage area.

I carried a belt of grenades, two automatics and a pistol, along with extra rounds. My side and arm were about ready to just say to hell with me.

Heero was casting me severe looks. I knew why – he'd seen. He'd been about to call me on it, too, but had been interrupted. Yay for interruptions.

Still, I had to be more careful around him. Perfect bastard.

"Is everyone ready?" Wufei asked. He took one last glance around, just as I did. Everyone gave a short affirmative. "All right," he said tersely. "Let's move out."

It was difficult to leave as we were – we were bound to attract instant attention. Stealth was necessary, though, so we were all leaving with cloaks. More specifically, some of the dusty covers had been stolen from their perspective boxes, beaten, and rearranged to look like something possibly resembling tablecloths. These we labeled cloaks and hoped we were mistaken for bums.

Heero and Wufei left first, leaving Quatre, Trowa, and myself together to wait for five minutes before leaving. I sensed Quatre's gaze on me and carefully kept my eyes away from him.

I did a mental tally. Of course Quatre knows my problem. Because of Quatre's reaction, Trowa disliked me. Heero was pissed, and Wufei was actually more comfortable – at least most of the time. Huh. I was batting a thousand so far.

"Duo."

It was Quatre, of course, his voice quiet and pleading. I looked to him then, as I couldn't help but do. I saw Trowa watching me carefully even as I caught eyes with Quatre's troubled gaze. I felt like he was ready to pull me apart limb from limb if I so much as made Quatre frown. Damn but he had to be an intimidating bodyguard.

Good. Quatre was that much safer.

"Duo..." He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

About the promise. "Yeah." Then I frowned. "But..." My eyes flicked to Trowa before focusing back on Quatre. "I think... there shouldn't be anything hidden." __Between the two of you.__

Quatre frowned. "I don't-"

"Stop talking in riddles, please," Trowa murmured. His voice was soft, but no one could mistake the fury softly held captive in that tone.

I turned to him and shrugged. "Sorry." I turned to Quatre. "Basically, I don't want this to get in the way of you guys' relationship. The two of you shouldn't have secrets, right?" I shrugged again. "I can handle it if it gets out." I was positive I didn't hide the wince in time.

"Duo-"

I cut off Quatre's sad voice. "Really, I'm fine with it. I don't want you guys having any fights over me."

"We won't." Trowa's eyes gleamed a bit. In dislike.

Well. That... was a bit of a switch.

"Trowa." Quatre turned on Trowa with a disparaging tone.

I sighed. Shit. We were about to enter into official danger and I had just started a rift between two very close lovers. A grand start. Maybe I __shouldn't__ go back.

But Heero's tears...

God, I was going to hurt someone no matter what. Quatre and Trowa's relationship would suffer if I was around, and Heero and Wufei would suffer if I left. I was going to hurt someone no matter what.

Why? Why was my existence never...

"Quatre-"

"Trowa-"

They came together then to talk quietly to one another. I checked my watch. Another minute. Plenty of time for Quatre to tell Trowa my little secret.

But I saw Quatre shake his head. "No time," he whispered, looking at me. I turned away, but I was sure Quatre could see my fear. I really didn't want anything to get between the two of them – but I didn't want Trowa to know. Especially as he was now, hating me.

Quatre was right. The minute was over. I went out first, then Quatre, then Trowa. We both agreed on that much, I saw: we wouldn't let Quatre get hurt.

But still Quatre could take care of himself. He moved just as silently as we, meeting up with Heero and Wufei, who waited for us in the shadow of a warehouse, their 'cloaks' already lying on the ground, carefully folded. I met Heero's glittering eyes as we entered the shadow with them. Then I turned away from him to fold up my own dusty little tablecloth.

Wufei then gave us quick information via hand gestures – two on the right, on patrol. We would take the longer way, only manned by one sleeping guard who apparently had gotten bored with his detail. We would go in the same formation – Heero and Wufei, then us three. There were no words spoken between any of us. I took this as a blessed reprieve. I could only hope nothing happened to anyone.

Harlow. I'm coming to get you, fucker.

I grinned then, just before Heero and Wufei got into position. Hero caught the grin and seemed to pause, but he ignored it to take Wufei's back. I concentrated carefully on how wonderful it would feel to get my hands around that slimy bastard's neck. Oh yes. I couldn't wait.

We slipped out of the warehouse's shadow then to ghost over to an abandoned pile of boxes. After that was a nearby building proclaiming "Jill 'n' Jane's Pasta" to be the best in town. I grinned at the stupidity of such a sign before we moved again, this time to a more sedate building with a simple sign reading "BarberWorks."

We kept moving like that for a long time, eventually passing the lazy guard. He was leaning boredly against some pizza joint. His gun wasn't even in his hand.

I entertained the thought of stealing it for about half a second.

We progressed this way, slowly but surely, from Sector D to F. We'd crossed kilometers when the space station's dawn cycle started running through, clearing the fake sky in pinks and purples. I hardly noticed the man-made beauty. We had met a few more guards, but we'd managed to sliver past them. How much longer could that continue? Especially now that the fake sun was coming through. We wouldn't be able to continue blending in with the darkness.

And as if my thoughts had triggered the occurrence, someone shouted from above us.

I turned immediately. A guard was shouting to someone behind him. With a sharp sigh, I pulled out the pistol from my Belt'o'Grenades and shot the poor bastard.

Then we were quickening our pace. The alarm sounded seconds afterward.

We were met immediately by two more guards, stupidly thinking they could take on the intruders alone. It was Heero and Trowa who took them out.

We split up once we entered Sector G. Heero and Wufei, being partners already, took the left, and we took the right. I watched their backs as they turned around a brick building, then turned steadily away. They could take care of themselves.

Then my worries turned to us, as five men came forward before we could move out. We took care of them, but our position was damned. We took off quickly and silently, moving toward the next sector, taking care to find a continuous route forward. More men came, practically a freaking platoon. We had no choice but to find individual cover and take down the enemies before moving forward.

I hadn't been counting the kills, but the number was beginning to thin when I heard a pained cry from Quatre.

I stood then, coming out from under cover, to try to give Quatre time to duck down. I fired on those bastards in front of me, picking off three before they got their asses in gear. Trowa, I could see, had zipped over to Quatre's side. I grimaced. Was it just me, or had there been an aura of agitation over my existence in the area?

Finally I just said to hell with it and pulled out a grenade. We'd been hoping to save the things, but this was an emergency and damned if I wasn't going to make sure Quatre was safe. My aim was perfect when I let it set sail.

I ducked beneath my cover and heard men shout an already-too-late warning before the explosion sounded. I didn't wait for the dust to clear before standing again. I shot the few survivors and raced to Quatre's side.

"Qat?" I questioned when I got close enough.

Trowa was holding Quatre up; he'd taken a shot to his arm. It was bleeding badly, even though Trowa had already made a tourniquet and bandaged the wound.

"I'm fine," Quatre muttered.

I felt my heart beat erratically. Shit. Two of us were already injured, and we weren't even in Sector H. Worse... worse, Quatre had taken this hit because I hadn't been able to take care of Harlow myself.

Wordlessly Trowa went to stand on Quatre's left, guarding the injured arm. I took the lead, ignoring Trowa's penetrating stare. He wasn't happy with me.

Was it my fault that Quatre got hurt? Had he been too busy worrying about me?

I grimaced at the thought.

When we came to the entrance to the next sector – a carefully erected metal door big enough for twenty people standing on each other's shoulders to walk through – we found Heero and Wufei waiting for us. Heero was absently rubbing his injured leg.

Shit, that was right – make that three people already injured.

We each gave status reports. I saw plainly the worry that flashed through Heero and Wufei's eyes when they heard about Quatre's injury. They demanded a diagnosis from Trowa, then nodded. I was glad to hear Quatre had taken a full-through without having hit the bone or the artery. That meant the blood and infection were the only things to worry about. Good.

Trowa shot a look to me, though, and I realized he was angry that I hadn't asked. Nevermind that I had trusted Quatre's word and had been worried about the enemies and the need to get to the next point. Apparently things had changed, and now the guys wanted to be worried over. I looked away from him. It hadn't been the time to fuss and worry. Maybe Trowa was just looking for more reasons to dislike me.

Then Heero turned and hacked in the password he'd apparently already had – he must have been the one to do surveillance as to where Harlow was while I was playing my little unconscious game. I felt my gut twist in painful knots thinking about the danger he'd been in. It was an effort to tamp the fear down and let Shinigami slip once again into the forefront.

We slipped behind cover before the door opened, ready for the worst. And we found it.

There was a fucking squadron waiting for us, already firing before the door opened more than a crack. We waited for them to realize we weren't there. Once the firing paused, we leapt up and counter-attacked. I threw two grenades, blowing the fuck out of the enemies there. The others, not so outrageously equipped, settled on using their automatics. We ducked again when the smoke began clearing, and the enemies started shooting again. I noted with a grim smirk that there weren't nearly as many gunshots.

With a reckless snarl I rose back up and threw another grenade, ducking quickly back down. I was angry, I noticed with some surprise. I almost paused for a second in shock. I was absolutely furious. With Harlow, with this entire fucking mission, with Heero and Wufei and Trowa. I was absolutely furious.

I used it.

I left my little cover and ran into the enemy's flanks. I think I heard Heero yell out my name.

And then I swerved around the remaining fools and shot one. Two. I twisted around one even as he aimed for me, switching my pistol to the side of his head as I stood behind him. I shot him, then used his body as a shield, dancing around. I gripped his gun and lifted the both of our hands together. Four. Five. Six. I stopped counting and snarled.

Pissed. I was absolutely pissed.

Why did Trowa hate me so much? Why were Heero and Wufei so dead-set on me returning, whether I wanted to or not? Why the fuck was it so important to them _ _now__ , after they'd officially shunned me? Why should I give them anything when they'd given me nothing but pain?

And why the fuck did I care?

I threw my shield-corpse to the side and pulled out my other automatic, now holding one in each hand. The men around me were shouting – I think I heard Heero's voice in there somewhere, and Quatre's. Blankly I swiveled my eyes to my next target, watching everything. I eliminated four people in my mind, leaving them be. Without thought I labeled them allies.

I killed the rest.

I just stood there for a while, panting and gasping and glaring at the ground. Bodies. They were everywhere.

I hadn't felt sick at the sight of corpses in years.

I felt an overwhelming pain digging into my side and arm just as Heero came up beside me and held me up, cursing vehemently.

"Goddamn dumbass," he snarled, taking me to a beaten-up scaffolding. "Fucking reckless bastard! I should leave you out there to rot!" But he gently set me down, taking from me my weapons and putting them down beside us. "Wufei, head out without us," Heero ordered tersely. After Wufei okayed Heero's decision and led Trowa and Quatre away, Heero sighed. "Duo, you're bleeding."

I looked down at my side, where Heero was staring. I grimaced. I must have pulled the stitches Wufei'd mad. "Huh."

Heero merely sighed again and had me lie down. I suffered through his poking, then carefully ignored the burning in my gut as he carefully traced my arm. "You pulled a couple stitches here, too," Heero murmured. "What were you thinking?"

It probably wouldn't be good to admit I __hadn't__ been thinking at that moment. "It worked," I grumbled.

"With you getting hurt," he pointed out.

"Could've happened, anyway," I said with a careless shrug. I winced when the movement irritated my wounds.

Heero was silent for a time. "Ah," he whispered. "Quatre."

I said nothing.

"Trowa..." Heero hesitated. "Trowa has seen Quatre worry about you for these past three years. It was hard for him. He couldn't do anything to help Quatre through it, like he usually did. He doesn't hate you. He just..."

"Don't," I muttered, letting Heero bandage my arm. "It's fine."

Heero gusted out an agitated breath. "Why are you trying so hard to be the joker __now__?"

"Jester," I said without thinking, then winced. Oops. Heero's fingers stilled.

"Well?" he asked with deceptive calm, returning to his task.

"No reason."

"Bullshit," Heero said, even as he kept his voice easy.

I cocked an eyebrow at the tone. So. I was irritating him. I looked up to the 'sky,' wondering why his fingers were so soothing. I wanted...

Nope. Not going to think about that.

"It's easier," I said finally.

The fingers only hesitated for a millisecond. "I see. I suppose I understand that. Being a perfect soldier was easier than feeling. But when the others accepted me..." He stopped there. "Ah," he said again.

Yep, I was definitely fascinated with the sky then.

"Duo, what do I have to do?"

"Nothing." I didn't like the slightly anguished tone in Heero's voice. See? I couldn't fight Heero's pain. __That__ was why I gave a damn. Because I still cared so very much for these guys. Despite everything, that hadn't changed. How else would they still be able to hurt me so badly?

"Duo." Heero sighed again. "I understand that we've changed, and that all of this is new to you. I understand that you're overwhelmed by the changes. But we're being sincere."

"I know that," I murmured.

Heero seemed to hear the truth in my words. "Then it's the sincerity itself that disturbs you?"

I flinched.

Heero finished working on my arm and turned to my waist. I almost flinched again at the feel of those warm hands touching my waist. I ground my fingers into fists. "You don't doubt our words. Our intentions, then. Or our reasons?"

I remained focused on the sky.

"Dammit, Duo, at least answer yes or no!" Heero snapped, finally losing patience.

I was honestly about to answer – honestly – but then he lifted up my shirt.

My mind completely blanked.

His hands were so very... warm. Calloused but gentle. I felt my body react and blushed horribly. I could only pray that Heero didn't notice.

He didn't seem to, but carefully checked my wound, his brow puckering. "Well?"

Vaguely I remembered that I was supposed to be talking about something. "What?"

Heero growled. "What is it about our words that concern you?"

I shrugged and winced. I really had to stop doing that. "I guess... I don't really know. It's hard to explain."

"Try," Heero advised.

I struggled with it for a minute. I couldn't let loose anything that made my feelings blatantly obvious. "I guess... look, don't get mad," I said quickly.

Heero hesitated again, then nodded once, almost in a jerk. His hands carefully finished unbinding my wound. He studied my side and hissed. I didn't bother asking how it looked.

"You guys were nothing like this before." A good place to start, right? But I saw the tension pull his shoulder blades together. "You were... rude." To say the least. "And I got used to being..." Hurt.

"I understand," Heero said quietly. He carefully checked my ripped stitches before ripping his shirt and beginning to re-bandage my waist.

I struggled with wording before just giving it up for lost. "You want something from me. I've said no, and you guys..." I sighed. "Suddenly you care? Suddenly you've decided, now that __you're__ ready, that we should suddenly be friends?"

Heero flinched.

I felt instantly bad. "Look, I just need some time to adjust."

Heero finished his work and just stared at the bandage for a minute. I felt wholly uncomfortable, lying down with my shirt up, Heero just staring and staring. I felt the ache in my chest, a regular companion, grow in proportion to my heart's yearning. It hurt so much worse than my stupid fucking side.

"I can't understand," Heero said with frustration. "I've tried, but... I was there, with them, the entire time. I can't see it the way you do."

I struggled to sit up. "Hey, it's no big-"

"I swear to God, if you keep it up I'm going to fucking hit you."

I shut up and stilled.

Heero looked at me carefully. "You changed, very suddenly."

Oh shit.

Heero saw my eyes widen, even though it was almost imperceptible. "I knew it," he hissed. "I __knew__ it." His voice turned sardonic. "So what was it? Did you pity us? Or are you mocking us?"

That fucking hurt.

I stood with a flourish then, whether in anger or extreme hurt even I couldn't tell. "We should head out. The others are way ahead of us by now."

Heero stood too, though much slower, as if to force himself to be calm. His body was absolutely rigid, and there was a distinct feeling of 'pissed' emanating from him.

Still, I wouldn't dignify his cruel words. I picked up my guns and checked the magazines before placing one in its holder on my back. I turned to Heero. "Let's get going."

I didn't make it a step before Heero grabbed my good arm and swung me back around.

"We're not finished," he promised.

Without a word I wrenched him off and led the way into Sector H.

* * *

* * *

Sector H, when Heero and I entered, had already seen its share of destruction. It was easy to see which direction Wufei and the others took. Some soldiers were trying to help their comrades. Some attempted to shoot us, but some ran. One, I remembered, looked at me defiantly. I smirked and tilted my head up, but I didn't shoot him. His gun was in its holster. He wasn't a threat.

Disturbingly, I saw that Wufei and Trowa and Quatre could still be efficient. I felt bad, again, for bringing them into this.

It took us about ten minutes to catch up to them, to see them fighting off another horde of baddies. Where the hell did Harlow and all them manage to find these people? Heero and I quickly took cover, Heero with Wufei, me alone by a busted building. The sign, laying in pieces on the ground, seemed to be advertising a firm. I almost laughed.

Then I tossed a grenade.

As usual, screams accompanied the explosion. I was down to only three more. I had to be careful now. Had to plan them out.

I turned and studied everyone while I could. Wufei still seemed fine, but Trowa must have also taken a hit, because he was favoring his right leg slightly. And because Quatre was casting concerned glances to Trowa every ten seconds.

Heero zipped over to Quatre and Trowa, and I left it to him to take care of them. Wufei was clipping in a new magazine. He caught my eye and quirked an eyebrow. I grinned unrepentantly. He just shook his head.

"Duo, we're ready to move out." Heero came up to me. "It seems we've cleared this level. We're going to Section 3 now."

I nodded. "All right." Only three more sections to go, then we would finally be in a position to meet up with Harlow.

But four of us were already injured.

I cast a worried glance toward Quatre and Trowa. They weren't even supposed to have gotten involved, and now, after seeing me for the first time in three years, they'd entered into this shit. My fault. Mine.

"It was merely a glancing blow, pretty slight. He'll be fine."

I turned to Heero, then looked away. "Have I said yet that I'm sorry I got you all involved in this?"

Heero seemed stunned. He rocked back on his heels, silent. I wasn't brave enough to look at his face to see for sure.

"I'm actually quite happy we got involved."

I looked at him in shocked disbelief. "What?" A stupid question; it was obvious that I'd heard him.

"If we hadn't, I may not have ever seen you again."

His eyes flickered with some pain, even as he smiled in obvious happiness. I couldn't understand it, because my heart was too busy __mis__ understanding it. I finally turned away, uncomfortable with the hope. It was getting in the way of the mission.

Wufei headed forward then, breaking up our little conversation. Trowa and Quatre went then. Heero and I fell in behind them.

We knew we entered the next sector only because the place hadn't been utterly decimated yet. So far things were silent.

Smarter. These enemies were smarter.

"Shit," I murmured, quiet as a shadow.

Heero just flashed a small, quick little smile in response.

It shouldn't have made my heart trip.

What the hell, I wondered, was with him? He wanted me around, but then he would say such things as, "are you mocking us?" Bastard! What was with him? Sometimes I felt like we were, if not getting closer, then at least learning about one another. Did he really think me capable of such a thing? And after I'd immediately dismissed the idea of he and Wufei trying to manipulate me...

Dammit! I was pissed again.

I was the first to react when another group of enemies showed up, but it might have been because I'd been looking around for something to focus on instead of maintaining my anger. It gave me a quick release.

Then another group came, and another. Quatre almost took a hit, but Trowa and I shot the wannabe hitman. Trowa glowered at me as we moved out.

Then we were at the entrance to H-4. Moving right fucking up.

Before entering, we took a well-deserved rest in an abandoned building to the right of the entrance.

Trowa and Heero sat down, letting their injured legs stretch before them. I sat, as well, clutching my side. My shirt was wet with blood. Dammit.

Heero caught sight of my injury and grimaced. I pointedly turned away.

Wufei, the only one unharmed, was checking Quatre's injured arm, gently dabbing at it and all-in-all trying to care for it the best he could. Trowa, I saw, watched, but with no apprehension.

I sat in a corner, trying my best to blend in as much as possible. My arm and side were railing at me. I just leaned my head back and let them whine. They would be put back to work again pretty soon.

"We should continue," Wufei said finally, patting Quatre's arm softly. Quatre nodded, even as he stood and moved beside Trowa. He silently slid down the wall. I watched with envy burning in my. They did that silent-communication thing, Trowa's brows down in a slight V. Worried. Quatre smiled at him.

__Are you all right?_ _

__I'm fine, love. Don't worry._ _

I turned away. Okay – that hurt. I rubbed my chest absently, just barely seeing Heero looking at me. I let my hand drop.

"I agree," Heero said, turning to Wufei. "If we turn back to resupply, we may have to cut through more enemies. We want to keep them running."

"More," I pointed out, "the sooner this shit is over, the sooner we're done." And the sooner some of us could get medical attention. I kept my eyes carefully away from Quatre.

Wufei nodded. "Exactly." He, too, took the chance to sit, but within eyesight of the outside the building, keeping lookout. It would be just like one of Harlow's troops to show up and try to take us down while we rested. "We'll want to continue on soon."

"Hn."

Three guesses as to who said that, and two didn't count.

I smiled slightly at the sound. It was... familiar. Not even knowing what I was doing, I spoke.

"Geez, Heero, such a blabbermouth. Give someone else the chance to speak."

There was a silence then, immediate and, to me, tense.

Then Quatre burst out laughing.

"Oh, Duo," he said when he could breathe again, wiping his eye, "I've missed you."

I turned to him, ignoring Trowa's dirty look. This was Quatre I was speaking to, not Trowa. Quatre, my one friend during the war, the one who knew me inside and out. The one I hadn't been able to hide from. "I missed you too, man."

Quatre beamed at me. Here was someone who knew exactly why I had exiled myself. Here was the one person who understood... me.

This time it was Trowa who stood. "Let's get moving," he said tersely.

Quatre looked at his lover with a frown. Without a word, he stood as well, sending a glance to me. I just shrugged for his benefit and stood. Heero was already up and moving beside Wufei to speak privately. Wufei's eyes shot to me. I sighed in resignation.

Finally we got moving again, encountering no one before crossing into H-4. There was no squadron waiting for us. There wasn't even a sign of people nearby.

Ambush? Or...

Heero and Wufei shared a look, then turned to us. Two right, three left. Don't bother guessing the groups.

I nodded, then silently unclipped a grenade and held it out. Wufei frowned, but Heero understood. Wordlessly he accepted it.

Good. They had power, then.

Then, to my utter horror, I heard the familiar sound of whirring gears and ground-shaking thumps.

__A mobile suit._ _

No wonder the place was deserted.

"Shit," I hissed.

"Split up!" Wufei shouted. I dodged to the right, vaguely following my comrades movements – Heero went left, Wufei left and up, Trowa and Quatre to the upper right.

And then hell broke loose.

I dove for cover as the suit opened fire. I covered my head as dust flew. I saw the enemy turn to me and felt my heart pick up to race, beating painfully against my breast. I ran from my cover just as it was blown to bits. The shooting continued without pause, following me, practically shooting off my toes-

I saw Heero racing out from his position, even as Wufei tried to stop him.

Heero was putting himself in danger again.

I instantly let Shinigami take over, let him take the reins and do whatever it took. Just like always.

Two grenades. Two legs. I raced toward the mobile suit, zig-zagging to try to decrease the chance of being hit. Heero saw my change and altered his movement of well – he would take down the arm.

I leaped through the legs even as the suit tried to turn. I wouldn't let it stop me.

I snatched a grenade and bit out the pin, throwing it unerringly for the target. Before it even had the chance to hit, the second was in my hand and de-pinned, as well. I threw that just as the first exploded.

I covered my eyes and ran forward, watching the suit fall. Heero ran to the side and launched his own grenade at the firing arm of the suit. A Leo, I realized now, allowing myself to accept unnecessary images. A Leo mobile suit.

Then I was charging forward, leaping on top of the Leo and jumping down to the cockpit. I didn't bother trying any fucking password, just shot the hell out of the console. It didn't open – the man was trapped inside. I shot a couple rounds before giving up – the metal was just a bit too thick. He would have to wait.

We had to escape, just in case there were more.

Wufei had come to that same conclusion. "Move out!" he shouted, waving me to come join them. I jumped away from the cockpit and hurried past him, letting him take the rear. "Good job, Maxwell," he huffed.

"Of course," I retorted. Vaguely I realized that my side was screaming in agony. Let alone my arm. __Complain later__ , I thought coldly. We still had a ways to go.

"A mobile suit," Wufei muttered.

"And we still have to get through this section, then another one," I said.

"How many do you suppose he has?"

"Dunno. I'd known he had the parts, but I didn't know he had an actual product."

Wufei hissed. "So he could have either one or one thousand."

I thought about it for a minute. "No – I think he could have up to three."

Wufei hissed. "That's two too many."

I hummed an affirmative and informed the rest of the group. "Hey, guys – based on the amount of metal I'd caught Harlow sneaking in these past few years, he could have two more suits."

Heero cursed.

"All right," Quatre said calmly. "We don't want to enter another battle with them, especially since we have no more grenades. We should split up and meet at the gate to Section 5. Shoot if you're in danger."

We nodded, then turned to leave in one-man teams.

And I was on my own.

The worry came to the surface as soon as I could no longer see the others. I couldn't help it; I'd just now seen them again for the first time in three years, and here they were, in danger because of me. I could never allow myself to forget that I had gotten those important to me in danger.

Of course, one of them hated me, another two meant the best and managed the worst. But still, it didn't change the fact that I cared for them all. Yes, I'd distanced myself from them, but... I'd seriously thought that they would never want to be __near__ me. Only Quatre. And though I'd hurt Quatre – Quatre __and__ Hilde – Quatre had understood. I needed space. I needed time. I needed __me__ , whoever I may be.

But still... to leave them all for so long... that was bad enough. Unforgivable enough, that I'd turned away from them just as they'd turned from me, and in doing so had hurt them just as I'd been hurt. That alone was bad enough.

But now, after three years of enforced separation, I finally met them again. And how did we meet? Not in a restaurant, or a coffee shop, or even a bookstore. I had often feared going to such places, wondering if I would have the mischance of meeting any of my old comrades. No, it hadn't been in any random place – Taco Bell, for instance, or even on a bust.

No. It was now, while chasing my greatest challenge and most dangerous foe. I had led my old comrades, whom I have not even spoken to in years, into hell. And why? Because I'd been too weak to stop Harlow on my own. Now Quatre and Heero and Trowa were hurt when they needn't be. Quatre, in particular, should never have seen such danger again.

My fault.

It was with more resignation than surprise that I heard crushing footsteps coming my way. The cover in this section was sparse and crude, already destroyed. Buildings, dilapidated at best, with no car that wasn't crushed. The men in the suits had gotten bored.

Still, there was a wall of brick left over from their roughhousing, and I used it as cover. The mobile suit had most likely seen me. Vaguely I thought about sending up a shot, but I quickly rejected the idea. Heero had a tendency to throw himself into situations whenever he thought me in danger. I wondered idly how he would react if I were Wufei.

Then I grimaced.

Okay. I had to fight alone, because that's how I fucking wanted it. I couldn't think of shooting off rounds and... and having them come and save me. So it had to be quick.

How the fuck could I be quick when I was armed with two automatics and up against a goddamn Leo? It wasn't possible. It was hardly possible to win.

I debated with myself for a long time, wondering just what the fuck I should do. Die? I wasn't particular to that ending, though it would solve a number of problems. Fight alone? Yeah, most likely the best option. After all, five people with automatics was little better than one. It would just mean that the enemy would just be trying to stomp on five ants instead of one. Very little help.

So. Go it alone? And most likely die.

I grinned.

As the enemy came up to my hiding spot, I slipped around the side. Yup, it was a Leo all right, and it was looking at the wall like it was bubble wrap – you just couldn't help but step on the shit. Yeah. I was hip-deep.

I leaped out as the foot descended to crush the wall, racing behind the machine. The same tactic, only different weapons. And because I had nothing but my automatic, I was screwed.

I jumped on the foot of the Leo and hung like a fool while the suit turned to try to find me. Good – he hadn't seen my destination. That made this a bit easier. I climbed up the leg while he searched futilely to find me. I was to his waist when he apparently decided that, if he couldn't find me, I must have hidden. He pulled his assault rifle out and began shooting the hell out of any remaining cover.

Shit. That would definitely attract attention.

I quickly raced up the suit and grabbed at the joint at the waist. The sound of the gun firing was almost deafening. Worse, my arm and side were absolutely splitting. I levered myself over, around him, until I faced the front. Behold the cockpit.

Now was where things got sticky. Last time I hadn't been able to shoot through the cockpit's hatch, which had been okay because Heero had disabled the weapon. Here, the weapon was still very much in use. This guy could still kill me, even if he was trapped in the machine. That would be extremely counter-productive.

No, here I had to be cruel. I had to hack into the cockpit's system, lock the man inside, and then... turn off the support system. Hacking it open wasn't possible – machines didn't allow anyone to break in if someone with the correct password was inside. And turning off the support system was only possible if you were a number one hacker. I was. This guy would die slowly from suffocation.

I apologized to the air as I began hacking.

Of course the man knew immediately that something was wrong, but it took him a blessed minute to realize I was the reason. Then he hilariously tried to turn the gun around and shoot me before he realized that, one, that was impossible, and two, that would also mean his death.

Then, hilariously, he began opening the hatch.

I stopped my hacking and turned to the side, pulling out my pistol. The hatch opened, and the man blindly fired. Once, twice. A pause.

I twisted in and shot the man full in the face.

Without a sound, he fell back into the cockpit.

I bent inside to drag the body out, trying not to think too hard about the number of people I'd killed today. I had a hand around his shoulder when I heard someone shout my name.

"Duo!"

It was Heero. Of course it was. I recognized the voice immediately – and the blind panic in it. I turned to see what he wanted.

And came face to nozzle with the third Leo's assault rifle.

* * *

* * *

It was simple enough to just let myself fall.

"Duo!" Heero shouted again, but his voice, so full of horror, was drowned out by the rapid firing of the last Leo's assault rifle. I plummeted like a rock. Anything you've seen, any movie, in which someone drops from an outrageous height and then manages to land easily, with nothing but a stumble or a roll to show effort, is bullshit. Only Heero can manage that, and even he didn't look too graceful tumbling head over heels down the cliffside.

I already knew my legs would break.

I braced myself for the pain, but it never came. Instead thin, smooth muscle caught me and pulled me into a warm, hard chest. I instantly recognized the feel, the scent. Heero.

Heero landed back on the ground, apparently having jumped to grab me, and paused to adjust before continuing to run, trying to reach cover.

"You didn't call for us," Heero growled.

I hardly cared that his tone was so dark and angry; I was reveling at his strength, his beauty. Stupid to think of such things when in this situation. I tried to shake the errant thoughts off. "Would've ruined my attack."

Heero's hands clenched around me. "Hn."

Oh, here we go.

The rifle didn't pause in its firing. It was painfully clear that amateurs were riding in these cockpits. Still, there was a bit more skill in this one. He turned as Heero ran, following his movements, trying to gage his destination.

"Put me down," I muttered.

"No."

Hellfire. It was impossible to think coherently when Heero's body was everywhere. How the hell was I supposed to take this guy down if I was trapped and befuddled in Heero's strong arms? I didn't need to be protected.

"Your leg," I fretted.

"I'm fine." But his voice softened infinitesimally.

He slid us behind a ravaged car. It had seen better days; it was missing entire portions of its anatomy. We were behind what was either the hub or just the twisted parts blown into what could potentially resemble the hub.

It was only then that I saw the others; everyone had formed on the sounds I'd made. Shit. Quatre and Trowa were causing a distraction as Wufei slid around the back of the mobile suit.

"Are you unharmed?" Heero asked me. I turned to him then and nodded. "All right." And he raced out to join the others.

I was two seconds from doing the same when... I saw. A pattern was forming effortlessly – one took each side, right, left, front, back. Each kept dodging the massive machine, watching out for themselves and one another. Within minutes, they'd managed to get Wufei up to the cockpit, messing with the system. This guy was smarter when he opened the hatch, though, waiting for Wufei to show himself.

But Heero was in target on the ground, far away from the machine, and he took the man down.

I stepped out from the car wreckage, eyes wide. Trowa and Quatre seamlessly formed from the sides, having pulled off their distractions perfectly.

A team.

I turned away then as each called out their statuses. I tonelessly called out, "no damage," when my name was called.

They didn't say anything about my not coming and joining their battle, though Trowa gave me another Look. We just formed back together again and fell into a simple formation. There were no other sounds, and we quickly found ourselves at the entrance to Section 5.

I was unsurprised to find a vid-message waiting for us. I quickly checked it for traps and turned it on.

"Congratulations, Strike. Or should I say Duo Maxwell?" The bastard's face twisted into a smirk. "In any case, it is very nice to know you will soon be here. I have been waiting. How do your friends fare? I do hope you're all well enough to welcome me. I would hate to lose you all before you faced me.

Oh, and by the way – I have a very interesting surprise waiting for you. I hope to see you all soon. Good-bye."

"Arrogant bastard!" I snapped. "Surprise. Whatever this surprise is, it's what's giving him confidence. But he couldn't possibly have any more suits. I know that for a fact."

"Then what could it be?" Quatre wondered. Jack Harlow's unconcerned face was still etched on my brain. Quatre was looking at the blank screen as if trying to make it divulge secrets.

"We have to move nonetheless," Heero said grimly. "Let's be prepared." Heero's eyes flickered to my waist. I knew it was because I was bleeding; I felt the stickiness on my clothes, my skin. It wasn't good. But I didn't mind. Quatre was torn pretty bad, as well, and Trowa and Heero were favoring their legs.

We were in bad shape.

Wufei sighed. "All right."

I checked my guns. They seemed fine, though my pistol was about out. Only three bullets, and no magazines. I'd had one, but it had been lost in one of the fights. I grimaced at that.

"Everyone ready?" Heero asked.

"Yes," we chorused.

"Then let's move out."

We filed through again, readying ourselves. I took the middle with Quatre this time, Trowa with Heero, Wufei in the rear. We were going in on strengths. Heero and Trowa's legs may be injured, but they could use their weapons without pain. Quatre and me – not so much.

We managed to make our way about ten yards in before we met with the newest army.

This one beat out the rest, bigger and badder than any of them could have dreamed to be. They, I knew now, hadn't been to slow us down, but to injure us, make us sweat. These were the reinforcements, as it were. The cavalry. We were injured and tired, and these guys looked like they'd done nothing more strenuous than jumping jacks.

I snarled.

There was no cover. Absolutely none. The place was barren. There were holes in the ground, flying cables, that spoke of things that __had__ been there, if nothing else. I felt vaguely bad for the citizens who had undoubtedly been evicted from their homes, wondered just what the law enforcement here had said about it.

The enemy didn't give us time to do much. They just started firing.

They were good. They didn't just randomly shoot off their guns and pray for success. I couldn't follow all of those hands at once. We all got separated in there, but Quatre and I managed to remain side-by-side. We ran to the right, taking down enemy after enemy. I wished stupidly for one more grenade.

Then Quatre cried out.

I couldn't even follow fully what happened then, as I saw Quatre fall. In one instant, I turned to the enemies and fired crazily, leaning down, kneeling, in front of Quatre, no longer moving. They turned our way, I could see it like a wave. But none managed to hit us. I realized belatedly that it was because I was shooting them all. They were standing almost in a line. I just kept my finger on the trigger, not giving time to pause. It meant losing bullets. It meant a millisecond of difference. I was a millisecond faster.

"Quatre!"

The voice triggered a reaction – unsafe, but couldn't shoot. I faltered for one instant.

Pain rippled across my body. Fire burned down my left shoulder. I cried out.

" _ _Duo!"__

I continued to fire, even as someone came up behind me. I growled on instinct. The person behind me ignored me – I prepared to take them down, too.

"Duo, wait, it's Trowa! I'm coming over, too!"

There was someone firing. He was edging closer, but his firing wasn't aimed at me. Pain came at his voice, but so did a feeling of safety. I let him come.

A spark of thought entered – __there should be five of us__. I let the thought die.

"Quatre! Quatre, please, please be okay!"

The voice was interrupting me, keeping me from being able to focus. Idly I noted an enemy's aim. I wouldn't be able to dodge in time. But the enemy fell, and I quickly shot the next.

"Trowa, help us take these guys down!"

That beautiful growling voice made me grin. Back-up? Oh, yeah. He was my back-up. He would watch the unsafe one. He would protect me.

There was a sharp sound from the unsafe one before he straightened his gun. I felt a shimmer of unease, but I left it to my protector. My eyes were fluid, like I'd been playing a simple game over and over again – a focus so sharp one's eyes seemed to dull. My hands moved before my mind managed an order.

We were out in the middle of nowhere. The enemies, if it weren't for our skill, would be dancing on our corpses now. I thought of that and snarled.

Someone grunted – the unsafe one. I shifted a bit to cover him without thinking. My protector did the same. I heard him curse.

Then the enemies seemed to change their strategy. Apparently they had noticed that they were sitting ducks, too. They began to lie on the ground. I took down as many as possible, but some hid behind their fallen comrades. I grimaced. They had shelter now.

"We need that," I growled.

We needed corpses.

Mr protector grunted, already moving. I saw another moving with him – the fifth. They ran up, and I covered them, desperate now. I couldn't let my protector be harmed. My attention, however, slithered over to the unsafe one now and again. I hoped he wouldn't kill me. I needed to protect.

They made it to what had once been the front lines and grabbed up bodies, immediately putting them in front like shields. Then they dragged a few more toward us. I covered them with grim determination.

Another bullet caught me; my protector wasn't there to stop it. Pain rippled up my side, mixing with an old wound. I ignored them both.

"Duo!"

That voice, closer now. I didn't turn to it. Two enemies were looking at me now. I ripped through them both-

And ran out of bullets.

I had no time to place my rounds in. My enemies immediately fell on the sudden silence, knowing what had happened. I waited for those guns to fire. I could see them turning slightly, positioning themselves from beneath the shelter of corpses-

And then my protector was there.

He stood before me, the corpse safely placed before him, covering the both of us. "Duo-"

"On it," I heard someone murmur. My hands were already grabbing the bullets stored around my chest. I felt pain tear through me and wondered why. I okayed my protector when I was ready, and he handed me a corpse. I lifted it up with my right arm. He moved then, going over to the unsafe one. He had a corpse already, and there was someone very still beside him. An ally.

I began again, watching with dead eyes, picking off enemy after enemy. The injured one behind me – the one who knew me far too well – groaned.

My gaze sharpened still more, just that little bit. They didn't stand a chance.

* * *

I felt like I was escaping a fog when I next found myself. Heero was panting, and Wufei didn't seem to be too far behind. Trowa collapsed into a sitting position and put his head between his legs.

__Quatre._ _

I turned to him for the first time. His face was pale, his mouth pulled back in a grimace. He was clutching his side, breathing carefully. Injured. My best friend was injured... because of me.

"Quatre," I whispered.

I was shoved away then, pushed until Trowa was the one there before Quatre. He carefully cupped Quatre's face in his hands, then turned to Quatre's wound. It was a good shot on the enemies' part; it had gone into his stomach and lodged itself in there pretty tight. The blood loss was great.

"Get him out of here," I ordered, but my voice was weak.

"He's right," Wufei said tiredly. His voice was laced with pain. I turned to him, only to find him favoring his right arm. Blood was dripping.

I hung my head. My fault. All my fault. Everyone was hurt, and it was all my fault.

"Duo."

I looked up dazedly. Heero was looking down at me from a great height. I furrowed my brows in confusion, only then finding myself sitting on the ground.

"Duo, let me see your injuries."

I cocked my head to the side. Injuries?

Then I felt them: my left shoulder, burning like hot coals, like lava. I winced, then again as I felt my side split open. I cried out softly.

Heero was kneeling before me in a second. "Let me see," he whispered.

I whimpered when he touched me, even with the barest of fingers brushing against me. The warmth was still there, slicing its way to my heart, to my groin. But the pain... I whimpered. I couldn't help it.

Heero hissed as he lifted my ruined shirt. "You took another one," he murmured. "And your shoulder?"

I bit my lip to keep from crying like a baby as Heero ever so carefully ripped the shirt and pulled it off. Blood was caked everywhere, some still escaping through my wounds. Heero looked at it all with a pained look on his face. Then, with his voice soft as silk, Heero spoke. "Damn you, Trowa."

The man, I noticed – again belatedly, dammit – had already left.

I knew, though, what Heero was talking about. Why he was so furious. Trowa had called out for Quatre, his voice randomly filtering through my focus. It was essentially what had gotten me shot.

"He had a reason to react," I said quietly. I would probably do the same... if I saw Heero fall.

I shuddered at the thought. Winced. I wasn't fond of pain.

"Hold still." Heero's voice was soft as velvet once again, just like it had been when he'd been treating my injuries before. It made my chest burn.

Heero's hands ghosted over me, carefully checking. "Both are still inside," Heero murmured quietly. I tried not to imagine them moving around in there; for some reason the idea always made me vaguely nauseous. Her touched the edge of a wound. I hissed. "Sorry," he whispered.

"Yuy."

Heero turned to Wufei. "How are you?" he asked. His voice was laced with obvious concern.

"It passed through. I am fine." He turned to me then. "Maxwell?"

"Fine." But my voice was soft and scratchy and even I couldn't make myself believe it.

Wufei frowned.

"We need to keep going, and I'm not leaving you two to face this alone," I grumbled, quickly deciding that arguing whether I was fit or not would be a waste of time and energy. "We have only that tower over in the distance there." I nodded to the only building for miles: a tall, thin gray thing that, if we'd been on Earth, it might have been called a skyscraper. As it was, it was almost as tall as the mobile suits had been. That was the one Harlow was hiding in, with whatever secret he had.

It wouldn't save him.

I stumbled to my feet. Heero seemed about to argue, but then he closed his mouth and stood close beside me. I could smell his skin, the sweat that overpowered whatever soap he'd used before. It made my mouth water. I carefully took a step away.

I thought I saw Heero wince.

I turned to him then. "How about you?"

"I'm fine." But he was definitely keeping his weight off his bum leg. I looked at it in concern, but I didn't see any blood. Wufei, on the other hand, had a shirt almost as ruined as my own. He had a makeshift tourniquet around his right arm. I winced at that.

"Fucking hell." We were screwed.

I firmed my back. My vow would remain. I would keep these two alive, no matter what. I would see to it that they were taken care of. I would do anything for that. Give my life? No problem.

But if I died too soon... I wouldn't be able to protect them later.

We trooped forward, keeping our weaknesses in tight rein. Heero didn't walk with a limp, I didn't curl into the destructive pain in my side. We wouldn't give the enemy the satisfaction – or the advantage – of seeing our wounds.

The barren landscape held no more enemies. All of them had fallen to us, though some, I was sure, had merely been knocked out. We'd been able to be a bit more generous toward the end.

I checked my gun. Only a few more rounds. Add that to the three bullets left in my pistol, and I wouldn't be able to go much further.

That was fine. There wasn't that much further to go.

We arrived at the base of the tower without incident. We stared at the metal doors for a second, then Heero took the lead. Wufei went in behind me.

__I hope Trowa got Quatre to safety._ _

Heero carefully opened the door. We stepped away from the entrance, just in case. My side heaved and burned like a motherfucker, pouncing on every breath to dig the pain down deeper. I ignored it with everything I was – if I fell to the pain, it could very well mean Heero's or Wufei's fall, as well. I couldn't let that happen. I __wouldn't__ let that happen.

But there were no gunshots, no sounds of human existence within the building. There were multiple levels, though, and they'd most definitely gotten the message of someone entering. We had to be ready for a sudden assault. It would be better if we were inside, if there was cover to be found in there. If not... I looked up warily. The windows were blessedly still, but that could change at any moment.

I turned to Heero, and he nodded. His gaze went to Wufei, who quickly mimed a message of safety... for now. My eyes slid to that entrance. I could almost feel Harlow there, his aura calling out to me. Calling for me to kill him. My lips slid back into a cruel snarl. I wanted him. For everything that he'd done... for all the pain Heero and Wufei and Trowa and Quatre – and I – had suffered through because of him. I wanted him to pay.

With Heero taking the lead once more, we moved forward and entered the building.

The final dungeon of the game. It was either victory... or game over.

I stepped inside, my gut tight.

* * *

* * *

We entered the foyer, a large white room with potted plants on either side of the short hall. There was another vid screen waiting for us as soon as we stepped inside. It flickered a bit before focusing. The picture – the secret something – was immediately clear.

"Fuck!" I cursed.

Relena Peacecraft was seated before Jack Harlow, on the floor before his opulent chair. The reference to a throne was apparent.

Okay, what the __fuck__ were that damn girl's bodyguards __doing?__

"Oh? Reduced to three?" He smiled benignly. I wanted to jump through the screen and punch the hell out of him. "Hm. I suppose that will have to do." He gestured to Relena. "As you can see, I certainly still have the advantage."

My hands clenched into fists. "Let her go!" I demanded.

"A foolish order, Strike." His smile brightened. "But if you would like to join my collection... you look even better on the screen. How would you look in person? Even with all that blood, you look simply marvelous. I like you without your shirt."

I fought down a shudder and sneered. Sicko. "Let her go. This is worse than anything else you've done, Harlow. You'll get the death sentence for this."

"What is the difference? If I let you take me, you will kill me." His smile never faltered. His hand, his disgusting tan hand, reached out to play with Relena's blond hair. She closed her eyes in disgust. She was gagged and bound. A thick rope twined around her neck and wound up to tie around the arm of Harlow's chair.

"How about a trade?" I said with a smirk. "Me for her."

Heero hissed from somewhere beside me.

Harlow's smirk widened. "Scared, Strike?"

It was my turn to hiss.

"You were all very careless. Your dear princess here was so very eager to stop this from turning into a battle." Harlow smiled so charmingly I wanted to spit. "She set up a meeting while you all hid from me."

I turned to her. She looked properly ashamed, but still indignant and righteous. Her eyes were trained on Heero. I tried to ignore that. Heero, I saw, was meeting her gaze. That... I couldn't manage to ignore.

"Let her go, Harlow," I growled.

"No." His hand stilled then, carefully encasing her head. "I do believe this is where we make negotiations. You all surrender to me, and-"

"Mmf!" Relena mumbled.

His hand fisted in her hair and yanked. Heero took an instinctive step forward. Harlow smirked.

"That's not going to happen," I said calmly. I carefully kept my hands unclenched at my sides.

"It's not negotiable. Be happy that two of you escaped such a calamity. Such a shame, though. The dear Winner boy was important, too, wasn't he?"

He thought they were dead. Fine. That suited us perfectly. If he thought they were dead, he couldn't get to them until they were in a safe place. "That's..." I let my voice waver for a second. "None of your fucking business."

Harlow's smirk only grew. Relena's gaze fell then, her eyes obviously full. This, I knew, was what she'd been trying to help avoid. Too bad she'd thrown herself to Harlow, thus making the situation a thousand times worse.

"I'm afraid we still have every intention of stopping you," Wufei said calmly.

"I won't kill her, of course," Harlow said. We already knew what that meant, but he felt he needed to say it, anyway. "I'll just break her fingers. One by one. To start."

What the hell were we going to do? Relena Peacecraft __could not__ die. I wasn't fond of her – her naïvete drove me crazy – but she was absolutely necessary for the tenuous peace we'd risked our lives – our __souls__ – for. She needed to be rescued safe and sound.

"Let her go, and these two. You can torture me as you please."

Heero's head turned sharply to me.

"Oh, but I would like to __thank__ you, Strike." Harlow chuckled. "After all, if it weren't for you, none of this would be possible."

Now my hands __did__ clench into fists.

"Well, come on up," Harlow said now. "I would love to see you in person, Strike. Could you possibly look even more beautiful?"

The picture died out before I could respond.

It took a moment to regain my control. Heero turned sharply away as I breathed carefully. Wufei watched Heero with a wary eye. "We can save her," he said.

I breathed once more before trying to speak. "Yes. We would need someone to sneak through while we made our way up. Whoever could move quickest, most silently. And, of course, if there are metal bars in the way or something, that person needs to be able to bend them." I cast a sardonic glance to Heero.

He could only nod once, sharply.

I sighed. "Heero, you're gonna have to be the one. He's looking for me. Wufei, I think, would be able to blend more, since you had too obvious a reaction to Relena's-"

"I know." His voice was tight.

"We'll get her out, Yuy," Wufei murmured.

"I know."

I turned away. Yeah, we would get her out. Somehow. I had no idea how to do it, or what the hell I was going to be able to do to help. Harlow was after me; his wisecracks about my looks were either to egg me on or – God forbid – he actually wanted to play with me before killing me. In any case, I would kill him. He wouldn't be able to do anything to anyone then.

Heero slipped away with nothing more than that.

Wufei and I watched him go. "All right, Duo," Wufei sighed, "it's time for us to go." He eyed me for a minute. "Are you feeling well?"

"Huh?"

"You're very badly wounded," he noted.

I quirked an eyebrow at his arm, then sighed. "I'll worry about it later."

Wufei frowned. "Maybe you should-"

"No," I said firmly. "I'm seeing this through."

Wufei nodded a bit reluctantly. He seemed to understand. "Duo, this isn't your fault." He started down the empty hall, and I cautiously followed. We heard nothing, but that didn't mean that there wasn't anyone waiting for us.

I said nothing.

Wufei sighed. "I'm sure Harlow would love to give you the blame for what he's doing. He wants to make it seem as if you acted as an accomplice. But you went on Preventors' orders and took down four major crime rings."

"Missing one," I said sourly.

"More than we could have done." Wufei seemed to have to choke out that admission. I found myself humbled. Wufei hated admitting weakness, hated failings even more. This... had to take a lot. "Do not blame yourself for this, Duo."

Okay, he was using my first name. He was worried.

I blew it off with a careful shrug. "I'll just feel better when my mission is officially over."

"Hm." Wufei nodded, then quieted.

We headed through hall after hall until we found a stairwell. Heero had no doubt taken the grates, so we were stuck taking the more conventional route. We carefully watched the elevator as we passed it. Then we were even more cautious entering the stairwell, knowing we could easily be trapped or ambushed. But there was no one, and our footsteps, despite how quietly we moved, echoed hollowly. I hated the sound we made.

We made it to the second floor, then cautiously checked the floor before hurrying to the third. We paused again once we reached the third floor. There was another vid screen waiting for us.

I turned to Wufei. "One of us will need to hide," I whispered. He nodded.

"You."

I grimaced, but it seemed more plausible that I would be in a rush to take a quicker route to him. I nodded my assent.

Carefully Wufei stepped out into the hall. He approached the screen with his gun cocked.

Then, without a sound, he fell.

"Wufei!" I hissed. I broke military rule and went after him.

The screen sparked to life.

"Another one down, Strike. That makes three." Harlow's voice reached me, cocksure and arrogant. I ignored him and turned to Wufei, carefully checking for spinal or cranial injuries. "And where is that angry one? Ah, yes, I know. Coming to try to steal the dear Miss Peacecraft. I'll deal with him, as well." That damn smile. I could hear it. I fearfully checked for Wufei's pulse. I had to bite my lip from sighing from blessed relief. It was weak, but it was there.

I turned on Harlow fiercely. "What the fuck did you __do__?" I demanded.

"Now, now, Strike, is that the way to talk to me?" Harlow tugged Relena's little leash for emphasis. "Besides, you should know better than to have friends. You're a bounty hunter. Any friend of yours will inevitably be killed."

I froze. How dare he speak my fears. I felt my hands shake with rage. Carefully, carefully I calmed myself. For Wufei, for Heero, I needed to get through this. "Just what the fuck are you planning, Harlow?"

He chuckled softly. "Why, I want to be the next Al Capone." His grin widened. "But I want to own much more than just Western USA."

I snarled. "Dumbass. Al Capone wasn't completely bloodthirsty. And he didn't __own__ Western USA."

If anything, Harlow looked amused. "Hm? I suppose we can argue that... eventually. For now..." He looked pointedly at Wufei. "Enjoy watching your comrades fall."

The vid screen blinked off.

I waited a moment, making certain he was really off-line, before checking the vid screen for bombs or gases. Nothing. I ripped the wires out and hurried back to Wufei, checking once more for a pulse. This time I gave my relief sound. "Wufei. Wufei, please get up."

I checked his body. No blood. Gas? Poison? I couldn't smell anything, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. It could be odorless.

But if that was the case, why wasn't I affected, as well? And how had it reacted so quickly, without any warning?

I looked around again, more carefully this time. The halls were white and bare, reminiscent of a hospital hallway. Smooth, even walls, smooth ceiling. Only the vid screen broke the monotony-

The floors.

I stared at the flooring before me, then trailed it down to below my feet. I cursed and snatched Wufei up. I was almost careless with him, so desperate was I to reach the safety of the stairway.

A touch-sensitive flooring lay beneath us.

What the hell had it done? I gritted my teeth. My best guess was electrocution. Somehow Harlow had had the floor set with weight or heat sensitizers. I thought of our decision, having me stay back... Harlow had been one step ahead. I cursed.

"Come on, Wufei, don't do this to me." I carefully placed him down, ever watching his face. He didn't move or change expression at all. I found I was having trouble breathing. "Wufei, Wufei, come on." I wouldn't cry. He was alive. There was still time.

I moved him to the side, keeping him lying down on his back. His chest rose and fell steadily. That, at least, was a good sign.

I had to leave him. It hurt, deep like a knife to the chest, to leave him. But Harlow knew about Heero, and I __had__ to get to Harlow before Heero was found. I had to save him, if no one else.

"My fault," I whispered. My hands trembled for a short second as I looked on Wufei's face. Asleep as he was now, I was aware for the first time how very... mortal... my friend was. He somehow looked less severe, more welcoming. His eyebrows weren't pulled over his face as they had been during the battles. I remembered him with a much more austere expression than this; he could almost be dreaming. I hoped his dreams were good.

"Please don't die," I whispered. Then I straightened, took one of his pistols – I had to leave him his other weapons, just in case... but I couldn't let myself think the worst – and left him alone and unconscious in enemy territory.

* * *

"Ah, Strike. We meet again."

The fifth floor had been carefully checked – including the floor – before I stepped out to meet the vid screen once again. I was afraid I would see Heero there, at his feet with Relena. Or worse... but there was nothing. My guard didn't drop.

"Harlow," I greeted warily.

"I see you left your dear friend behind. It must be hard." His grin widened. "You should never have come after me, Strike."

"Oh, but you know me – conscientious killer all the way."

"Hm." He petted Relena while he spoke. "Yes, I suppose. It's almost attractive."

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. "You have a problem there, Harlow?" If I couldn't get there first... just in case... I would give Heero a chance.

"Nothing you couldn't take care of, Strike." He smirked.

"Yeah, a bullet to the head solves a lot," I shot back, snarling.

His smirk slipped away. "Careful, Strike." He gripped Relena's hair as a warning. I bit my tongue. He smiled again, this time in absolute triumph. "There now, that's better. Why don't you call off this game and just surrender to me, Strike?"

Then he didn't have Heero yet. "No way, fucker." I grinned. "I've beaten tougher than you."

"Yes, but this time you don't have your dear Gundam with you."

My grin turned into more a show of teeth. "I've beaten tougher than you without Deathscythe."

"Oh? Then explain your sacrifices."

I grimaced. Though it was true no one was dead – yet – it was still worse than usual.

I smirked for my audience. Relena was trying to grab my eye – I wouldn't face her. I couldn't deal with her emotions, her fears. Not if I was going to be able to do this. "It's pretty simple: coming up here, it wasn't  _ _you__  we were fighting."

Harlow's eyes took on a hard edge, and I knew I'd hit a nerve. Hopefully he would lose just that little bit more control. That would do me good. Better, it would do __Heero__ good. "You won't win, Strike."

"Yeah, I think I've heard that one somewhere before." I pointed my pistol negligently at the screen. "But I __will__ win, Harlow. And you'll die." I let Shinigami's grin steal over my face. "Bang."

"We shall see, Strike." Harlow's face composed itself back into it's usual calm assurity just before the screen flickered off.

Fifth floor. Two more to go. Heero was most likely either close to the top level or he was already there.

I needed to hurry up.

I turned from the screen and raced as quietly as I could to the next level. I checked the level again, careful for any sudden enemies. There was no one so far, but that could just be to lure me into a false sense of security. I wouldn't let that happen.

The place was white and completely unadorned. One had to wonder just why the hell the man got such a huge building. There was nothing in it. What a waste of construction. It reminded me a bit uncomfortably of G's training fields. There were plenty of buildings like this, white and empty and haunting. There was nothing. The nothingness had seemed to close in on me. I trained like hell for no other reason then to escape the white sometimes. I was used to gray and black and... different tones of color. Even on the streets, there were colors.

I checked every single room before going to the top level.

I checked the stairs one by one for traps. Harlow was up here; there was no where else he could be hiding – right?

I hissed. That had better be right – I was getting tired of this damn game.

In any case, he was close. I could practically taste my revenge. I thought of Quatre, of Wufei. I would get revenge for them, too. I wouldn't let Harlow walk away from this.

I reached the door and stood in the hallway, listening, my ear practically glued to the door. There were voices. I thought of Relena – her mouth gagged – and knew without a doubt that Heero had beaten me to the punch.

"Welcome."

So he'd only arrived shortly before me. That was... unnerving.

"Harlow."

Heero sounded pissed.

"You've managed to beat Strike here. I must commend you. I thought for sure my traps would stop you."

"You underestimated us."

"Oh, not quite."

There was a quick movement, then an ear-piercing shot. Relena's muffled scream followed in the echoing silence.

I felt my heart seize.

"I'm not so easy to take down."

I almost gasped with relief. He was okay.

I silently unholstered my pistol and held it up in my left hand. My shoulder and side burned. My earlier injuries couldn't even make themselves heard over the newer ones. I ignored them all and waited for the one perfect moment.

"But I'm not so easy, either."

A whirring sound. Relena made a horrified garbling noise.

I heard the sound of something powering up.

Without thinking, I burst into the room.

There was a large machine behind Harlow, something long and round and shaped like an alien gun. He had Relena before him, his personal human shield. Her eyes were wild and pleading. I didn't know if it was for her sake or Heero's that her eyes were so pathetic, so wide and blue and helpless. I hoped it was for Heero. I didn't __think__ she was self-centered...

Heero, I immediately noted, was far away, on the other side of the room. Harlow turned to me in that instant. He took in my bared teeth and cold eyes with no hint of fear.

I raced toward the machine. Harlow adjusted to keep me away from him, but my concentration wasn't on him at that moment.

Heero wasn't aiming for either Harlow or the machine _ _.__ Instead, he was already dodging to the side as I made my way toward the gun-thing.

Something was wrong.

I shot the hell out of the machine, aiming for the small wire I saw closely embedded on its side. Three bullets – my gun's ammo was gone – and it snapped.

It whirred around to face me for a haunting second before tipping over-

It overheated, I could see it. I turned instinctively, even as it fell. Its target focused beyond me, to my side-

Harlow's face still didn't show fear, but it did show anger. He shoved Relena forward, blocking himself from his own beam cannon, even though I could plainly tell it wasn't aimed for him, or even for me.

Shit.

* * *

* * *

It all moved so slow – but it happened far too fast.

The beam cannon – how the fuck did the man have one in here? – was charging, almost ready to fire. Aimed for Heero. The panic swamped all reason from my system.

Heero, on the other side of the room, was too far to do what I was doing.

I was moving, of course, already racing toward the machine. It was in the far corner, safely ensconced far away from destructive minds. I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing. I didn't stop to think about how Harlow had gotten it set up, how he'd gotten the thing turned on and charged while on the opposite side of the room. I just... reacted.

It was Heero who noticed it first, of course. He shouted a warning that I didn't quite understand until I'd shot off that last bullet. Then I saw the thing spark and fall, blessedly aiming away from Heero-

But I hadn't taken into account just __how__ it would fall, too obsessed with getting the thing away from Heero. My mind had focused on him and had conveniently forgotten that Harlow and Relena were directly in line of the beam if it just so happened to be shot the exact way I stupidly shot at it.

Harlow had already pulled Relena in front of him.

I wasn't stupid; I knew she had to live. I reacted thoughtlessly.

I dove for the machine.

"Duo!"

I hit the barrel of the massive structure with my shoulder. Instant pain, as my wound and the heavy metal made sharp, forceful contact. I think I screamed. The beam screamed in my ear as the blast shook the frame. We fell in a tangled heap.

Relena definitely screamed then.

But Harlow was laughing. I crashed to the ground with my upper body lying over the barrel. I couldn't find the strength to stand yet, as my side had just then decided to inform me I overdid it there, too. I opened my eyes to check on Relena. I could only pray she was alive.

She was.

The cannon had blasted the hell out of the wall merely two feet from where she hung, limp and doll-like, in Harlow's grasp.

I sagged in relief.

Harlow's eyes glittered with humor as he looked at me. "So poorly executed, Strike."

I smirked. "Yeah. My bad." I pulled out my extra pistol and pointed it at him. "You know, I really want to kill you."

Harlow simply lifted Relena in front of him. "Yes, I know." He turned to Heero. "You. Come over here and help your friend." Harlow watched Heero carefully. There went the easy win.

I struggled up, unable now to ignore the pain. I winced and suffered through until I was standing again. "I don't need help, thanks," I managed, but it was more than obvious that I was lying.

Heero came up beside me then, his gun lying dormant at his side. I kept mine trained on Harlow.

"Well, well. I know I should kill you slowly, Preventor, but the loyalty Strike shows to you is intriguing. He was obviously furious and panicked when the other fell. What about when you fall?"

I saw the spasm of shock that shivered down Heero's spine. Harlow saw it as well. His smile widened.

"Hey, how about we just kill you?" I said, bringing the man's focus back to me. "Then you don't have to worry about such trivialities as how to kill us."

"Ah, but you can't quite do that, can you?" That damn smirk was hitting my last nerve. "And look at all that blood you're losing."

"I'd rather not," I said amicably.

Heero pulled up his gun at that moment. "We're not going to let you win, Harlow."

I gave Heero a look. We knew how this would go; we could see what would happen if we took the only option available to us. Heero's eyes were tight with pain.

I took a deep breath. I would have to be the one – Heero cared too much.

Which was something I'd have never thought possible before.

Without a word, we executed our attack. I took the right, moving towards the wedge between Harlow and the wall. Heero took the left. We both had our guns out, cocked and drawn.

Harlow, too, pulled out a gun, swiftly and smoothly with his left hand, and pointed it at Relena's leg. I saw where he'd aimed – her femoral artery. I quickly shot at him, right by his head. He flinched. When the gun went off, his shot missed by about an inch.

Heero shot then, and Harlow flinched away once more. Harlow's smirk was gone, and he was confused and angry. Good.

I saw an opening, minuscule. Heero, who had had a similar opening, had handed it over to me. I'd known he hadn't been able to do it. I took the shot.

Harlow shouted in pain, falling back, keeping a tight grip on Relena. I was already moving forward, having already seen that my shot would hit its target. Harlow's shoulder spouted blood over Relena's face and arm. She screamed – the second time? Though I think she screamed when she'd been shot, too.

Heero grabbed Harlow's right arm and twisted cruelly, snapping it. Harlow's useless arm fell, and Relena was free.

She didn't move.

"Move her!" I snapped, going after Harlow's firearm.

But Harlow was already moving again, dragging it up and pointing it, not at Relena, but at me. He knew he'd already lost. I had my gun half-lowered in preparation of snatching away Harlow's gun. I wouldn't be able to raise it in time. Heero, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was already pulling Relena away. His hands were full.

On instinct, I dove to the right – safely away from Heero and Relena.

I didn't see, but I distinctly heard two shots being fired.

Pain blossomed as I landed, but not from a new wound. I definitely cried out then.

"Duo!"

I rolled and knelt. My eyes sought Harlow's form, still and bloody on the floor. I struggled to stand.

"Stay down," Heero ordered. "He's dead; I took care of him." Heero turned to Relena, who was struggling against tears. She kept her gaze carefully away from both Harlow and me, apparently too disturbed by the side of blood and – my stomach rolled as I looked down at my wounds – guts. Shit.

I very carefully sat down. I was losing an outrageous amount of blood. "Wufei's still alive, Heero," I said quietly.

I heard the shuddering breath all the way from where he knelt before Relena. He was quickly making a tourniquet and bandaging her wound. "Thank God," he murmured.

"But... Quatre... Trowa..." Relena hiccuped.

"Quatre's injured, yes, but Trowa retreated with him. They should also be okay." Heero's face was soothing. Soft. I closed my eyes and let the new pain – or old pain – rip through me. I could hear the whirring of the beam cannon and frowned. "Heero – the cannon."

"I know." Heero's voice was tense – he must want to go check on Wufei now that he knew Wufei was alive.

"How did...?" I found it too hard to breathe to complete my sentence.

"It had already been charged before I'd even entered the room," Heero told me. The anger and frustration was still in his voice. I can't imagine how awful it had been for him to be rendered immediately useless – trapped before the fight even began.

"Ah." I found I had to lay down.

"Hold on, Duo. I'm going to set up a frequency and get Commander Une over here."

I only hummed what could have been an affirmative. Now that the fight was over, the pain was indescribable. I touched my side and felt a slit so wide my fingers could easily slip inside my own body. Shit. Did I rip the wound? Was I a fucking retard? The world looked far too fuzzy. Maybe I really __had__ done it – given my life. Would it be too late?

Looking at it now... I didn't really want to die.

I wanted to explore that, to find out why, but my brain didn't seem up to the task. "This is bad," I murmured.

Heero's head whipped to me. I thought I saw his eyes widen. Suddenly he was by my side. "Duo, hold on."

I looked into those eyes. The worry was beautiful. Oh, I didn't ever want to see that look on his face, but... if only the worry were something more. But there was an unmistakable intimacy between Heero and Wufei, one that couldn't be argued. I saw it, so very plain. I closed my eyes.

"Duo, I mean it! Don't you leave me again! I finally got you back!"

I didn't dare move; the pain was spreading through my entire body. Of all the ways to die, this was not the most pleasant.

"Relena, stay here. I'm going to send a message to Une."

"But-"

"Stay with him!" Heero ordered. I heard his footsteps race away.

It was silent for a time but for the whirring of the machine and Relena's panting breaths. "You okay, princess?" I asked finally.

"Y-Yes."

Yeah, right. I turned my head – fucking __ow__ – and glanced at the machine. It was definitely charging back up. If Heero passed through the hall when it reached full charge...

I again sat up.

"What are you doing?" Relena's voice quaked still. It was easily an octave higher than usual. Even more annoying.

"Turning this thing off." Easier said than done, of course, just sitting up made me feel like my guts were about to fall all over the floor. Of course they wouldn't; it was far too small a wound for that. But logic rarely had a say in such things.

"Is it... still dangerous?"

"Oh yeah."

Relena shrunk away from it. I smirked – didn't she see that she was in no danger, as far from the muzzle's line of fire as she was? Apparently not.

I struggled to stand. It wasn't drips of blood that I heard, but slops. It was nauseating.

"They're already on their way; Trowa informed-" Heero entered the room and gaped at me.

I should have known that Heero would come from the other side.

"Duo!" Heero sounded both reprimanding and horrified. He rushed to my side. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pain seized me then, rendering me unable to speak. Relena told Heero for me. "He said he was turning the machine off."

"Dammit," Heero murmured. "Stay down," he ordered me, as he had before. I cocked an eyebrow. Damn; who would have known that doing even that much would hurt? "Duo, Une is already on the way. She's about fifteen minutes from the building."

Uh-huh. "Wufei is on the third floor staircase, I think." I could almost swear it, but I wasn't sure. "Go check on him."

"What happened to him?" Heero asked.

What, did he think I left Wufei to bleed to death on the stairs? "I think he was electrocuted. Good thing he was wearing those Preventor boots, right?" Preventor boots had rubber in the sole. Luck had saved Wufei's life.

Heero was silent for a moment. "I see."

He wanted to know more, but he wouldn't ask, weak as I was. And I just couldn't find the breath to tell him. I looked at those eyes again as they caught mine. He looked away and ripped off his shirt. Other than a cut on his arm from an errant bullet, Heero's upper torso was unmarred. I was eternally thankful for that.

Heero pressed his shirt into my side, gently moving my hand from the wound. He eyed my shoulder worriedly.

"We're all just losing our shirts right and left, aren't we?" I whispered.

Heero's lips quirked. "Be quiet," he murmured.

"Is he... okay?" Relena called, her voice still terrified.

"Yes." He turned to her then. "Just what the hell did you think you would accomplish here?"

She was silent. I glanced at her to see her shocked face. I doubted Heero spoke like this to her often. Funny. He spoke like that all the time to me.

"I wanted to prevent bloodshed," she told him.

"Did it work?" he snapped, gesturing to me. "Is __this__ what you wanted?"

"No, of course not! Heero, you know me better than-"

"When are you going to become responsible?"

"I-" Her voice seemed to choke up. I winced; he was being a bit harsh.

"You made this situation a hundred times worse by foolishly going to meet Harlow unguarded." Heero was furious.

"If I'd gone with guards, I would have given him the impression that-"

"What? That you were intelligent enough to watch your back? How many times are you going to be kidnapped before you realize you're being childish?!"

"Heero," I whispered. I hadn't known he could __get__ so angry at Relena.

"No, Duo. Not this time." His voice, oddly enough, gentled when he spoke to me. It sharpened immediately when he turned back to Relena. "Duo wouldn't be in this condition if he hadn't needed to protect you. Do you understand that?"

"But he-"

" _ _Do__ you __understand__?" he barked.

"...Yes," she whispered.

"Heero," I whined.

"Rest," he told me.

I couldn't help but comply.

The room grew eerily quiet. Heero stayed by my side, ineffectually trying to slow the blood loss. My head swam. I gave myself another five minutes. Tops.

Then came the footsteps, blessed footsteps, rushed. Back-up, of course, had safely arrived after all the work was done.

"Come from the left," Heero called. I vaguely remembered the machine. It was still whirring. Fuck. Not as quiet as I'd thought.

"I'm gonna pass out," I warned.

"Not yet," Heero urged, and his voice was again frightened and panicky. I almost smiled at it.

"Can't help it," I whispered.

"Wait just a little longer. I've told them you're injured; they should be bringing a stretcher and supplies. Just hold on a bit longer."

Why were his eyes even more beautiful now, hovering over me full of pain? I didn't want pain on his face. I hated it. So why...?

"Tired," I mumbled.

"Just a little longer, and then you can sleep." I felt his fingers sweep through my hair.

"No more," I begged. I didn't know how much more of this pain I could stand. He looked like he was mourning over a lover.

The newest pain of it washed over me, and blessedly I felt myself being pulled under. I closed my eyes.

"Duo? Duo! No!"

* * *

* * *

When I woke up, there was no pain.

I was horrified for a brief second, then pleased. So. I'd managed to die after all. I wondered what my death was doing to the others. Heero had looked so horrified, so pained. He'd been hurting.

The regret filled me up then. What had I done?

And what of Quatre and Wufei? Were they all right? How dare I die! What if I wasn't the only one? What if...

 _ _Heero.__ Maybe it was for the best. After all, Heero was worried about Wufei, too. Maybe my death was a trade-off? Maybe Wufei had gotten lucky in return for my death.

Or maybe I was trying to make myself feel better.

I frowned. And shouldn't I be in Hell? I was uncomfortable, but not in any pain. And everything was white.

I tried to shift. Pain lanced through my system, throbbing newly due to my stupidity.

Oh. The hospital.

Damn. I wasn't dead.

I struggled through the haze of my brain and surfaced like I'd been pulled under by a riptide. Dammit, I hurt. Bad. Now that I'd made the mistake of moving, I was in a lot of pain.

I opened my eyes. It felt like a very long and strenuous victory. My stomach felt like it was burning. Because, of course, my guts had seemed about ready to spill out all around me.

That's... gross imagery.

There was no one in the room. That shouldn't have been a surprise. As a bounty hunter, I had found myself ensconced in the hospital before these past three years. And I'd always been alone then, too.

But I'd always wanted someone there... and that hadn't changed.

I closed my eyes and smiled at myself. Yeah. Alone. It was fine to be alone. Heero and Wufei had their thing, Quatre and Trowa theirs. Trowa hated me, too. It was just better to wake up alone. Still... still, I had to admit it hurt to find myself alone, all alone when Heero and Wufei swore they...

Of course, I had to be kinder to them. Wufei... I didn't know if Wufei was all right. And what of Quatre? But maybe this was a good sign. Trowa wasn't waiting to kill me, and Heero wasn't here, either. Which meant that Wufei and Quatre had to at least still be alive.

Right?

"Dammit," I whispered. My throat hurt. Damn. I was thirsty. Insult to injury, like having been shot multiple times wasn't bad enough. I thought about pressing the button for a nurse, but honestly? I didn't feel like it.

There was nothing to enhance the room in any way. No flowers or anything fruity, and no cards or anything, either. I had never thought much of it until one day about two years ago, when I'd released myself from the hospital and saw a man across the hall surrounded by both flowers __and__ cards, along with a teddy bear and what looked to be chocolates. I had left the hospital with nothing more than the bloody clothes I'd entered with.

Nothing big. As a bounty hunter living alone, it was expected to have nothing and no one. I hadn't expected any more that time, either, or the time after that. But that had never kept me from wanting it. Just as I wanted it now.

Still, it could be worse. Surely the lack of company was good. The injuries alone that my allies had sustained were enough to topple me over with guilt. I couldn't take anything more. It would crush me.

I looked over to the nightstand beside my bed. A phone sat there, as useless as it could possibly be. Then there was a clock, extremely useful. From it I learned that it was eight o'clock, though AM or PM was beyond me. In any case, it was still visiting hours.

I eyed that button over my head and wondered if I wanted to press it.

"Duo!"

I turned my eyes to the door, stunned. Quatre was there in the entryway, beaming. He sat in a wheelchair, practically bouncing in excitement. I frowned; he was in a hospital gown, same as me. Shouldn't he be in bed?

"Duo, you're finally up! Thank goodness! We were all so worried!" Bounce bounce bounce. I thought I saw his brow pucker in pain. He was wheeled in, and only then did I see the person pushing him.

Trowa.

I froze. His eyes were hard, as hard as they'd been before the showdown had begun. He was boring holes into me as if wishing he could sear into my body like Cyclops. I turned guiltily away. "Quatre," I murmured, but my throat cracked. I swallowed the wince. "You're all right."

Quatre moved his wheels, leaving Trowa behind. Trowa's frown deepened. The guy had an injury on his arm, too, dammit. What was he thinking? "Yes, of course. Trowa got me back to your ship in time. You had the provisions Trowa needed to take care of me until Une and her troops got to us."

 _ _But you wouldn't have been injured at all if it weren't for me. And I bet that's just what Trowa's thinking.__ By the look in those dark jungle eyes, I knew without doubt that the blame was solely at my feet. As it should have been.

Quatre began to wheel closer when I outright scowled. He stopped. "Duo?"

"Quatre, you got plugged in the gut and the arm. You've got to be aggravating your wounds."

Quatre frowned and looked back at Trowa. They started that silent communication thing again. I zoned out and watched my IV sway. Back and forth, back and forth. Boring. I looked back at them, at their eyes. Quatre seemed to be pleading something, and Trowa seemed downright pissed at the idea. I had no doubts that it was about me.

"Qat, you should go back to your room and get some rest. I'm about to call the nurse in, anyway."

Quatre turned back to me, a firm look on his face. "No. I'm not leaving until I hear what the doctor says about you." Quatre looked around. "Where's Heero? He's been by your side practically non-stop."

I felt my heart clench. "What happened to Wufei?" Because something had to have happened to Wufei for Heero to be near __me__.

Quatre seemed surprised. "Wufei's all right. He's on bed-rest at his house, but it's mostly a precaution. He only had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. The doctor said he was really lucky." Quatre beamed. "Right now he's probably grumbling. He's not allowed to do any strenuous exercise."

Even as I felt the relief flow through me in waves, I also felt my heart be crushed all over again. I had known, dammit. I had known Heero didn't think of me that way. Why didn't my heart just give up and let me be? Why did it constantly make me suffer? "Oh." The word left me in a pained little gust. "I see. He's all right, then."

"Yes. Isn't it wonderful? We all made it out all right again." Quatre's face collapsed then. "But all those working for Harlow... they weren't as lucky. We ended up having to kill all over again. And Heero had never wanted to kill anyone else."

I winced at that. He was right; Heero had sworn to never kill again after the last uprising by Barton and Maremeia. Another weight settled onto my shoulders. I felt like Atlas, trying to hold up the entire world. "I'm sorry," I murmured.

Quatre shook his head. "No, no apologies from you. I mean it. This __isn't__ your fault." Was it just me, or did Quatre's gaze flick over to Trowa? "Oh, Duo, I'm just so glad you're awake. It's been almost two weeks."

"That long?" Impossible. Well, maybe not. With a hole in my stomach bad enough to act as its own surgical cut, it really wasn't that much of a surprise. Speaking of... I touched my stomach carefully. "What... happened?" I remembered Harlow and how Heero had taken him out. I grimaced. I had very much wanted that pleasure... and for Heero, it probably wasn't a pleasure at all. Dammit.

"Oh, of course. As far as I know, Une's medical crew made it in time to save you, though it was questionable at first. Wufei gave blood for you, since I couldn't."

I frowned. "Was that safe?"

"He didn't poison you." Trowa glared at me.

I cocked an eyebrow. I wanted to glare back, but Quatre seemed about ready to jump in-between us. I looked back to my old friend instead. "What about him? He'd just been electrocuted. Wasn't he still recovering? He shouldn't waste his blood like that."

Quatre frowned. "It wasn't a waste, Duo. And he's fine. He'd been protected from the worst of the attack. As I said, he's only on bed rest for caution's sake."

I didn't like it, but I had to wonder why. Was it just for me, or did a certain someone ask Wufei to do it? Or maybe... maybe he'd just done it for a certain someone __without__ being asked. But I didn't want to think about all that.

"He's all right, then. Really. Is... is everyone safe?" I wouldn't outright ask about Heero.

"Yes, everyone's fine. Everyone but you." Quatre sighed. "We were all so worried, Duo."

I looked at Trowa and doubted that.

"Quatre's face firmed. "Well, anyway, after you, Heero and Wufei were picked up by Une's men, you were taken from the station and brought here. Heero said..."

Quatre paused, and I winced at the name.

"Heero said your heart had almost stopped beating twice. The doctors worked on you round the clock, trying to take care of your wounds. You had so many, just in gunshots alone. And with all that blood loss..." Quatre shook his head. When he spoke again, his voice was low. "Harlow had died, so his group had disbanded. Une sent a team in to retrieve all of his metal ores and round up the worst of his men. There... there weren't many left."

Thanks to us.

"Heero got out with only a few scrapes and bruises, the worst being his bummed knee. A few days and some special treatment got the thing as good as new. Heero says it only hurts a bit, and the doctor says that will fade after a few more days."

I sighed in relief. Heero was really all right. Thank God. "And you?"

Quatre sighed. Apparently he'd known I'd get to him, especially with him as he was, being carted around in a wheelchair. "I took a bullet to the stomach."

I flinched, clenching my eyes shut. __My fault__.

"The doctors got the bullet out, but there'd been so much fluid drainage that I was in critical condition for a while." Quatre looked carefully up at Trowa. His eyes were hard. "I only woke up a couple days ago. Apparently... the fluid had gotten itself all over the place."

I made my own little mental image and winced. No wonder Trowa looked about ready to barbecue me.

"By the time I'd gotten to the hospital, the doctors were ready to declare me dead."

This time, Trowa and I both flinched together.

"But I didn't. I'm back now, and I'm recovering fine. Granted, I'll have to cancel a few meetings, but that's all right. So neither of you need to worry about me," Quatre finished.

"Yeah, right." I wanted it to sound more flippant than it did. "Are you crazy? After hearing that, you're going to be learning some lessons about mother-henning people." But I stopped there. Yes, I'd planned on staying, but in the end, I just didn't have the wear withal to stomach being back amongst these men. Things between them and me would never just suddenly miraculously become better. I shouldn't have said that to Quatre – I just plain hadn't been thinking.

Quatre beamed at me, then looked around. "Heero must have finally taken our advice and left," he said sadly. "We told him to go get something to eat, and to get some rest. He'll be so upset that he wasn't here when you woke up."

I turned away. I didn't want to think about him. About how he wanted me to stay, about how he'd desperately tried to talk to me again and again, trying to figure me out. I couldn't think of all that just then.

"Well, we'd better get the nurse in here." Quatre began to wheel himself closer, but Trowa grabbed his wheelchair and gently pushed him forward himself. Trowa's face gentled as he looked down on Quatre. Trowa wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't like me. Getting on the wrong side of a Gundam pilot was just a bad thing to do. We weren't known to be saints, after all.

When Quatre was close enough to touch, he leaned forward and pressed the button by my head. An annoying buzz sounded, then a man's voice came over the intercom. "Yes?"

"Duo Maxwell has awakened. Please send a doctor down right away."

"Yes, of course."

"Thank you." Quatre returned to sitting back in his seat and smiled at me. "The doctor should be here soon. Then we should know just how well you fare."

I nodded. Well, whatever the outcome, I would be gone. Tonight.

Because if I saw Heero's face again, I may not be able to leave.

* * *

The doctor had been one of those less-than-stellar types who seemed to enjoy telling you all the ways you could die instead of exclaiming over your progress. I was warned about several different infections and viruses I was vulnerable against and how bad my wounds still were. It was as if the bastard knew I was going to take a hike tonight.

It was past dark, past visitor's hours and past time for me to leave. Quatre had been returned to his room by Trowa, and the hospital had shut down for the night shift. It was time to go.

It was more than a little difficult to get myself out of the bed. Every muscle, even those I hadn't felt in years, protested. And I was still a little high from the morphine, which I had discreetly taken out a couple hours earlier. The pain was making itself known, too, and it was bad. My stomach felt like it was being roasted, let alone everything else. I was sweating hard by the time I managed to stand on my own two shaking feet.

"Damn," I muttered. Quatre, after a few careful questions from me, had told me that my Demon's Wing had been put up in a lot about twenty miles from here. I needed a taxi if I was going to make it. In this condition, I would be lucky if I got out the window without harm. But I wasn't going to stay. On that I'd decided.

I worried about the condition of my Wing. What had survived? How many poems had I lost? I didn't want to think about that, either. Though I often swore to myself that I would get rid of them, I never could. They were a part of me. And oddly enough, I didn't want to lost that poem. Heero had stared at that poem almost as much as I had. It... it connected us, somehow, despite how impossible it was. That one poem...

Well, looking at it like that, maybe it was best if I __did__ lose it. Maybe then I would learn.

I clunked over to the window, wincing each time. Good thing this wasn't a military hospital; if it were, those nurses would know something was up. I was shocked by their negligence as it was – but then you always hear yourself louder than others do.

I had to lean against the window for a few minutes, unable to hold my weight anymore. My arm, safely in a cast, made a small bang when it hit the window. I winced at the sound. I didn't wait to see if the stupid nurses were actually starting to pay attention; I guessed they weren't used to having one of their patients sign themselves out.

A picture of Quatre's beaming face entered my mind. This time my flinch wasn't for the noise I made.

Still, I grabbed the sill and began to pull.

"Duo."

I turned almost as if pulled by another force. Heero stood in the doorway, outlined by the dim hallway light. His eyes glittered. I thought I saw sadness.

I turned completely. He didn't move. "Heero." It was well past visiting hours, dammit. Which meant he'd cheated his way in.

"I thought you'd do this." Now he stepped inside, silently closing the door behind him. "As soon as Quatre told me were you awake, I knew you'd try to run out on us."

I grimaced. "It's time to go."

"No." He came even closer, until only half the room separated us. "Don't you see? You don't have to go anywhere."

I shook my head. "Our worlds don't intersect, Heero." I wanted to say 'not anymore,' but I honestly didn't think they ever had.

"Of course they do, Duo."

I had known looking at him would slow me down. I had known it would stop me in my tracks. I had known it would hurt. But this badly... for some reason, I always underestimated the power of the pain. "No, Heero. They don't."

"Duo." Frustration, followed immediately by desperation. "Please. Don't make me lose you again."

That one hurt so much I felt it rip straight through me. In agony I closed my eyes. "You never had me." __You've always had me.__

"Duo..." The pain in Heero's voice was impossible to turn away from. "Just one month." It seemed to be something he blurted out, something he said without thought. It made us both freeze. It was he who moved first, bulldozing forward with odd gesticulations – pleading gesticulations. "Just one month, Duo. Just see what it's like now. See if you don't belong. After one month, if you still wish..." He seemed unable to continue for a moment. "If you still wish to leave, then... then we won't stop you. But give us a chance, Duo, please."

I closed my eyes. The pain of it – but this was why I'd though I would stay to begin with. This was why I'd told myself I would suck it up. My own desire to leave, to go back out to the stars and escape the pain of being with these guys... it meant nothing to the memory of Heero's eyes, red and downcast, and the voice that should never sound as desperate as it did just now.

I didn't smile as I nodded. "All... all right."

The relief surged through Heero so quickly he went momentarily limp. "Promise."

I almost __did__ smile then, but I'd never felt less like moving those particular muscles. "I promise I'll stay. For one month," I warned.

Heero nodded, a determined look plastered on his face. "Fine." It was obvious he would work to make me want to stay longer. But I wasn't doing this for me. "Then get in bed, and we'll see if we can't get you released tomorrow."

"To go where?" I asked. "It's not like I can properly take care of myself in my Wing, no matter how much the technicians fixed."

Heero frowned, hesitant. Uh-oh. "You'll be staying with me. It's already been decided by us. Wufei's condo is a bit small, and he's taking care of himself right now. Quatre... is going to be busy." __Keeping Trowa away from my throat,__ I finished for him, wanting to smirk. "So you'll be staying in the house with me."

So. That was altogether bad news. Though I was surprised to learn that Heero and Wufei weren't living together, I supposed it made sense. They would be assigned different partners if Preventors knew they were a couple. I was certain they wouldn't trust any of the less experienced members to take care of one another. And they'd always managed to communicate with each other better than most people could.

"I can't stay with you," I argued in token resistance. "You have your own thing." __And Wufei.__ Who hopefully wasn't pissed that I was taking up Heero's time – and his house.

"I want to." His voice was so quiet I almost didn't catch his words. I stiffened at them. I couldn't take those words out of context. I couldn't continue to make that kind of mistake if I was going to be staying with these guys. I had to keep myself focused on the truth.

I sighed dejectedly. "I'll deal with it later," I muttered, moving to the bed. "I'm too tired right now."

That seemed to snap something in Heero back in place, and he came forward to help me. "No," I ordered. "I'll do this on my own." Just as I always have.

Heero hesitated, seeming to war with himself. Whatever decision he made, it was too late. I had carefully climbed back onto the extremely high-up mattress (and why are their beds so tall?) and positioned myself under the covers. I hated the immediate vulnerable feeling that spread over me.

Heero watched, his eyes half-closed and considering. "Put in the morphine," Heero ordered distractedly. I glared petulantly until he removed himself from that particular thought-processing. The man may have seen something in my body language that I hadn't hidden well enough. I had to be sure he never learned. I had to be sure no one ever learned. "Duo," he warned.

I scowled.

"Now, or I'll do it for you."

Knowing the threat was real, I let myself fold and snatched the needle with nothing more than a growl.

Heero sighed. "I'll see you in the morning." Another threat.

I scowled again. "I promised, didn't I?"

Heero smiled, though it was a bit weary. I was sorry for it, but I couldn't let myself give in gracefully. The real me, the me who wasn't the Jester or Shinigami, didn't want to be around them. I didn't want to feel the pain again, but here I was, setting myself up for it. Heero didn't think I would hurt, but then again, he didn't know the truth. And he never would. "Yes. You did."

Ah-ha. I had promised too quickly. Oops. I turned away. " _ _Only__ one month."

He frowned, then turned away and shrugged. "Fine," he said again.

I was hurting him. I wanted to apologize, but dammit, he was going to get what he wanted. If I played my cards right, I could make it seem as if I was slowly opening up to the idea of staying, one month longer, then another. Until finally we just stopped talking about it. And then that hurting droop to his shoulders would go away.

I would do it. For him.

"Good night, Duo." His voice was a mere whisper.

"Yeah," I grumbled, then added conciliatorily, "'night."

I thought I saw his lips quirk sadly before he left the room.

I stared at the hospital door far after it clicked shut. For him, I reminded myself. So he would never cry again.

I took a careful breath. For him. For him, I would continue walking in this hell. Because of those words I'd banned from my existence.


	2. Pink Saga

So far, everything was going as I'd planned.

It had been three weeks ago that Heero had talked me into staying. Trowa had made it no secret that he wanted me gone and only tolerated my existence for Quatre. Quatre had been so happy to hear that I was staying, he'd practically missed my condition. He was upset to hear that I was only planning to stay for one month, but he jumped right back onto his feet... figuratively, at least. He and I were both stuck on wheelchair detail. Wufei had come over and spoken to Heero for a time, but they'd eventually broken apart and turned to me, giving me their full attention.

One more week, and the subject would come up. I'd planned things perfectly, and so far everything was going smoothly. With my grudging acceptance of situations and attempts to make the best of things, even Heero had lost his suspicions. Slowly I'd let my laughter sound more natural. Slowly I'd started making more natural jokes. Every once in a while I would pause and look confused. I would stare at those around me in semi-wonder. It was working perfectly.

But surprisingly... I was finding it hard to believe I was faking it.

Wufei was still sarcastic and funny. Quatre was still as bubbly and kind as ever. Trowa was stand-offish, but I'd accepted that such would be the case before I found myself crossing the threshold into Heero's house.

But the most wonderful, the most agonizing part, was Heero. He fucking doted on me. When I starting wheeling my sorry-ass self over to the fridge, Heero would get up and grab whatever it was I wanted. He learned quickly what I liked and what I didn't and altered his shopping to include foods and drinks that appealed to me. He tolerated my worst moods, fake or real. He smiled. God, did he smile.

More often than not, I felt the pain tear through me, over and over, like Prometheus' cursed hawk was eating at __my__ liver instead of his. At night, alone in Heero's spare room, the pain came to overpower me. I never cried, I would never be so weak, but God did it hurt. During the day, I had my smile to hide behind. But at night, I had nothing but my fears and sorrow. They were no defense.

But I would continue, because Heero wasn't crying.

* * *

It was almost lunchtime now. I was alone for only the third time in three weeks. Heero had reluctantly returned to work this week. It was a blessed relief. Instead of my happy music, which was all I let myself listen to while Heero was around, I was free to mope to my sadder tunes and release some of the pain before it swamped me that night. I was happily pouting with Three Days Grace when the bell rang.

It was nothing new to have one of the guys visit randomly. Apparently all hours were acceptable within their little circle, which was incredibly tight. I was only beginning to realize what they'd all spoken of during our mission. They __had__ all gotten close. Very close. More like a tight-knit family than a group of ex-Gundam pilots. It would most likely be Quatre, carrying some sort of fancy food, with Trowa standing stoically behind him. I opened the door with a wide smile, hoping neither listened to the lyrics of my music.

But Quatre and Trowa weren't waiting behind the door. Instead it was, of all people, a UPS driver. "Hello. Are you Duo Maxwell?"

I was surprised. No one other than the pilots and Une should know where I was. "Yeah." My bounty hunter instincts kicked in. This couldn't be good.

"Could you sign this, please?"

"Sure." There was no way I was using my usual signature. I scribbled chicken-scratch on the electronic board he gave me and accepted the small package. Once he was back in his truck, I turned to the box and carefully lifted it to my ear. No ticking, but that didn't mean much. I got out Heero's toolbox and investigated the box. I couldn't find anything wrong. With a deep breath, I opened the box.

Bubble-wrap.

Harmless enough, I thought, but then again, maybe not. I gently moved the wrapping, making sure not to pop anything. But there was no bomb inside.

There was a card.

I froze, immediately recognizing it. I hadn't chosen to make a stupid-ass symbol for my code name, but Une had insisted I have one. It was as ridiculous as the notion. Black Strike had become a black lightning bolt. I detested it.

Still, it was impossible to misunderstand it.

I picked up the card and flipped it over.

I found you.

Well, this was bad. Apparently someone knew where I was.

I looked around. Heero's living room, into which I had gravitated, was a comfortable place now. I didn't want to leave-

I didn't want to leave.

As much pain as I was in, I was in an equal amount of comfort. Stability, for the first time in my life, was in my grasp. I had already begun to place down roots for the first time in my life.

But for the safety of everyone, it was time to go. No joke this time.

I stared down at the box. Such an innocent-looking piece of shit. Why __now__? Of course, it was obvious. It was __because__ I had begun to put in roots. I had never stayed in one place for such a long time. And as the number one bounty hunter, it was expected that I would have made enemies. Wasn't that a reason I had never made friends on my travels? Because of this.

I sat down on the sofa and just... moped. Nickelback's "Someday" was just making everything worse. Would Heero's smiles disappear if I left? I couldn't let that happen! I had sworn that I would never let Heero cry again. What if I left now? When Heero had begun to move __with__ me instead of around me. When we were once again becoming... friends.

I snapped up from my seat and started pacing. Heero. He was the one I would have to worry about the most. The man was astute. He would see. I couldn't hide the box. So what could I possibly say to him? I was asked to perform another mission? Plausible. It may even help to explain my impending absence. Of course, it would be expected that I would return.

But if I did, how long would it be before someone else found me? Damn. I really shouldn't have survived Harlow's bullets. Things would be so much easier if I had...

But then again, it would have made Heero cry.

I glared at the card in my hand. Why? And what was more important? Surely Heero's smile was important, but his life was paramount. Then again, Heero, of all people, could handle himself.

I clutched my stomach and carefully returned to my wheelchair, regretting my momentary lapse of intelligence. I, on the other hand, couldn't handle a half-beaten puppy at this point. I was totally and completely helpless. If I left, I would be caught and killed quicker than it took to breathe. If I stayed...

Who was it? I wondered. Who had I left alive that was able to track me down? Granted, I may not have hidden myself well enough, but who in the hell had found me?

Should I tell Heero? He'd be more prepared if he was informed, that was for sure. Then again, if I wanted to skip out, I shouldn't tell him until – or maybe after – I had packed my bags and hopped in a taxi. So I should at least wait until I knew what I would do.

Besides, he wouldn't attack yet. He was warning me, meaning he __wanted__ me to react. If I left, he may target everyone. Dammit. What was I going to do?

First things first: I needed to rip this damn card to shreds. I did just that, then rolled myself into the kitchen and tossed the pieces into the trash. Then went the box, unharmed. If nothing else, whether I lied or not, it would explain any brooding I was caught doing.

I returned to the living room and switched folders. I had to listen to something else, and quick. Feeling inexplicably tired, I changed it to 'Night' and went the hell to sleep, right there on the couch.

* * *

" _ _Duo, what do you want for dinner?"__

__I looked over to him, surprised. Heero hadn't asked that the first week at all, feeding me a bunch of healthy-tasting crap that Quatre had ordered for me. But now he was watching me with a small smile. The pain reared, my heart in its grip, as I stared into those eyes. His deep eyes were crinkled just a bit in a smile, shining. He was so beautiful. "Uh, I don't care."_ _

" _ _Hm." Heero cocked his head slightly. His aura radiated contentedness, even as we took our stances. "Try again."__

 _ _God, how could I possibly argue with that face? He seemed to__ want __to cook whatever I said I wanted. If I said sloppy joes, the man would run to the grocer's, even though he never ate the stuff. He seemed... happy. I sighed in defeat. "Lasagna." Boy did I have a craving for it. I'd wanted it for days.__

__Heero grinned. Outright grinned. "Sounds good to me."_ _

" _ _I'll help," I offered. Lord knew making lasagna was a pain.__

" _ _No, I've got it. Sit back for a while."__

" _ _Heero," I whined.__

__That grin broadened into what I could only call a warm smile. "I want to do this," he murmured._ _

__And his voice was so contented that I didn't argue._ _

* * *

" _ _Wufei," Heero said sternly.__

__Wufei turned to Heero in surprise, but his eyes quickly took on understanding. I watched in curiosity. Wufei had only been speaking about a mission two years ago, a difficult mission where they'd been trapped in a sewer in enemy territory. I cocked an eyebrow._ _

__Then it clicked, painfully clicked right into place: the beginning of their relationship. I felt my chest choke._ _

" _ _Wait a minute." I brightened my confused look into a beam. I heard my heart break. "That's when it happened!"__

__Both froze._ _

" _ _Tell me__ everything _ _." Then I reconsidered. "Okay, not__ everything _ _, but c'mon, man, details! Though not__ those __details." I felt the pain triple, then quadruple.__

" _ _Duo," Wufei tread cautiously, "you mean you know?"__

" _ _C'mon, like it's not__ obvious _ _." I snorted. And wanted to die. "So? You mean it happened during a__ mission _ _? How off-the-wall is that? The two guys I thought were married to their mission..." I trailed off, unable to continue. Perhaps 'married' had been the wrong term to use.__

__Wufei blushed. If I weren't in so much agony, I would have laughed at his consternation. "We didn't know, or else we-"_ _

" _ _Oh, don't worry, I won't tell." I pantomimed zipping my lips. "I won't tell a soul."__

__The blush deepened. "No... Trowa and Quatre know, but..."_ _

__Wow, that hurt. That Quatre hadn't felt fit to warn me. Or maybe he just didn't want to hurt me. As far away as I had been, I never would have known. Unless, of course, something like Harlow happened. Who would've guessed?_ _

" _ _Well, I won't tell anyone. So? How'd it happen?"__

__Wufei's blush turned his face red. "Maxwell!"_ _

__Heero looked absolutely stricken. I gave him a confused glance. Was he okay? Why didn't they want me to know? Quatre and Trowa could know, but not me? Fine. "All right, all right. You look about ready to combust, 'Fei." I turned to Heero. "When are Quatre and Trowa gonna get here? I thought we were going to the pizza place at five."_ _

" _ _They'll be a bit late," Heero managed. He looked about ready to faint.__

__I deftly ignored their reactions to my announcement. "Man, poor Qat. He's so overworked."_ _

__Wufei couldn't meet my gaze, and Heero was staring out at nothing. "He'll be fine. The meeting just held over a bit longer than expected."_ _

__I turned back to Wufei, apparently the only one who could speak. "Huh. What's he doing now, anyway?"_ _

__Wufei snatched at the question with both hands. "He's trying to help get jobs for veterans of the war."_ _

" _ _Man, good luck with that. Not many like them right now."__

" _ _Yes, but Quatre-"__

* * *

The key in the door woke me from the memory-dream. I watched it drift away, feeling the pain of it rest solidly in my chest. Ever since that day, the memory had made a point of popping up whenever possible.

I turned to the door and watched Heero open it. His eyes immediately sought me out. As soon as he saw me lying on the sofa, that small, contented smile appeared again. "Hi," he said softly. There was no point in apologizing for waking me; as soldiers, we understood that it was a norm.

"Welcome back," I said. I was careful not to show anything more than friendship, and a cautious friendship at that. I never wanted him to know about my feelings. Especially now that there was no chance I was wrong about __his__.

"How was everything?" he asked, dropping his keys on the table by the door. He immediately shrugged out of his suit jacket and hung it up, tugging at his tie. Heero, I had learned quickly, despised the mandatory uniform. It never failed to make me smile. If only he knew how good he looked in it.

But he'd never hear it from me. I wondered if Wufei ever told him.

"Okay. I got tired around lunchtime, though."

"The doctor said that might happen. With the way you push yourself at your therapy sessions, it's no wonder you find yourself tired."

With how things were turning out, however much I've pushed myself in those sessions wasn't enough. The card entered my mind in all its glory. I frowned. I didn't want to think about it, but there was no help for it. I needed to figure out what to do. And as soon as Heero entered the kitchen, his eyes would inevitably find the box. Because the man cooked. And threw away his trash as he did so.

Heero made his way to his room to change. "Did Quatre stop by?" he asked.

"Nope." I didn't know which jokes would upset Heero. There were some I said unthinkingly that made his smile disappear. I didn't want that. My existence here was for him, after all. "So? What about you? Anything exciting?"

"If you call paperwork exciting," Heero said dryly.

"Still working on that? You must've really had it piled up."

"Well, my little mission with you gave me two days' worth of papers in and of itself. I had to fill out about a million reports..." He sighed. I felt guilt swell once again, as it always did when that fiasco was mentioned. Never had I apologized for everything, but only because Heero had seen me about to and told me off. I remember having given him a displeased face.

"No, Duo," he had said. "Harlow's actions weren't your fault."

"But," I had started.

"Enough, Duo. I won't have you apologize for this. We all made it out, didn't we?"

"Heero, I should've-"

"No. That's enough of that. I told you, didn't I? I don't want any apologies from you."

I had scowled and turned away. Because he didn't want it, I wouldn't say it. But I would think it.

Heero turned to me now. "Are you hungry?"

Starving. I thought about the box and shrugged it off. He would see eventually. If I tried to hide it, it would be even more suspicious. "Yeah. What're you cooking?" But Heero had always asked that question since that second week began. I couldn't argue it; he seemed too happy to do it. I didn't want to take that smile away.

"What do you want?" he countered predictably.

"What do we have?" Because the third day I'd said something and Heero had left to go to the store to get it.

Heero sighed. "Chicken, spaghetti, steak-"

I cut him off there with an appreciative moan.

He chuckled. "Steak it is."

That chuckle never failed to make me smile, too. "Steak," I moaned. I hadn't had steak in __ages__. I could hardly remember the last time I did; I'd defeated a tough opponent and treated myself. "Steak. And potatoes?" I asked hopefully.

This time he laughed outright. It was enough to make me burn. "Yes, 'and potatoes.' Anything else?"

I grimaced. "I suppose you'll make me eat vegetables."

"You're recovering, Duo," Heero chided gently.

"Vegetables suck," I complained.

That laugh returned. "But they're good for you."

"Which is probably why they suck," I pointed out, enjoying his laughter. During the war, his laugh had never been like that. Whenever he had laughed, it had sounded... evil. Now... now it was just happy, plain and simple.

"Green beans it is," Heero smirked.

I groaned, but it didn't take away my smile. How could I leave? Heero was smiling, for God's sake. Actually smiling, and right at me. Though he was with Wufei and though love was impossible, the friendship I'd begun to form with him was even stronger than it had been before. I was thrilled to be with him. I loved seeing his smile. As painful as it was when I went to sleep, it was even more painful to consider leaving.

My love was a curse.

I sat in the room for a short second, then spoke without thinking too hard about it. "Hey, Heero, may I use your phone to make a long-distance call?"

"Hm? Sure. Why?"

"I got this package today, but nothing was in it but bubble wrap."

"What? Did you order anything?"

Okay, I seriously needed to start thinking ahead. "A couple writing pads," I admitted. I __would__ say for my poems, but I wouldn't say it for the embarrassment if it were true, so I swallowed it back.

"Writing pads?" Heero said, surprised. "You could have just asked me."

I looked away, blushing. Okay, this wasn't something I should talk about. It was humiliating just thinking about it. What was I thinking? Oh, yeah. That if Heero saw a box and I didn't say anything about it, he would become suspicious. Heero seemed almost paranoid – or at least he would if he weren't right most of the time. "Yeah, well," I muttered stupidly.

Heero smiled. "How about I just buy you some and we call it even?"

I frowned. "I already used my money..." Blatant lie.

"Duo, I think I can handle buying a few writing pads."

I couldn't erase the frown. I really didn't want or need the things, so why was Heero so adamant about getting them for me? "But..."

"It's settled. I'll buy them and bring them back tomorrow night." He turned to the stove. "Duo, you don't have to be embarrassed over these things. I like your poetry."

My face flushed. "Um, what?"

That smile grew. "I love reading your poetry, Duo. It's beautiful. And it tells me everything you don't."

"U-Um..." The flush covered my neck, as well. "O-Okay."

"Duo..." Heero hesitated.

"Yeah?"

"Do you... remember... the poems on your ship?"

I had already considered it. Though I had yet to see my ship, I'd taken the worst-case scenario into account and tried to remember all of them. "For the most part. Why?"

"I... have you written them down?"

No, I hadn't. For the very reason I thought he was about to mention. "No."

Heero waited a beat, then sighed. "Because you don't want me seeing them."

I was silent a little too long.

"Duo, after all this time, can't you open up to us? Just a little?"

I turned away, looking to the floor. "The poems... show parts of me I don't like showing, Heero."

"I know."

I hissed. "Then why...?"

"Duo..." Heero turned back to me, the ingredients for dinner now spread along the counter. "Duo, my curiosity hasn't been satisfied. I need to ask."

Uh-oh. Like things weren't bad enough. Maybe this... would lead to my leaving? "What?" My voice was a bit too wobbly for my liking.

"Duo, I still want to know." He didn't come toward me, but that gaze penetrated me so that I might as well be chained to my seat, helpless under interrogation. "Who's the man that poem was written for?"

* * *

* * *

Okay, so things had never been perfect. Heero's smiles were oddly timed, during things that had annoyed him during the war. And I couldn't always predict him. And there had been an argument once, when I'd been ready to say 'fuck it' and get out of my wheelchair for a few minutes. And things were always tense when Trowa was here, which meant I could never have a good time with Quatre, who was escorted by his lover everywhere. So yeah, things weren't perfect. I hadn't expected them to be.

But I hadn't expected this, either.

Not __once__ had Heero asked me that dreaded question since The Mission. Not once had I had to worry about Heero trying to delve into that particular part of my psyche. Granted the man could be obnoxious when it came to learning something about me, but this...

"Heero, no." I shook my head. "Ask something else."

The serious look deepened into an all-out frown. "You won't tell me, and you won't tell anyone else. Duo, we used to be able to talk to one another about anything. You especially. Why won't you tell me anything now?"

"Heero..." It was true that we'd opened up to one another, but all Heero would tell were things related to the war or his missions. His irritation with Relena and his ongoing plan to kill her had been one of the most insightful things he'd mentioned. "This isn't the same."

"Isn't it?"

"We didn't force each other then," I argued, but stopped cold. Shit. I hadn't meant to say that. Not at all.

Heero's gaze wavered. Those eyes turned sad for the first time in a long time.

I quickly backpedaled. "I mean... Heero, it's not that-"

Heero sighed. "No. It's true. I just wish..." And here his voice turned wistful. "I wish I had opened up before."

"No point in regretting the past," I said sternly, not liking where this was going. "Besides, you did everything you could. And everything you needed to. If we'd done anything different, who's to say we'd have all ended up alive?"

Heero's eyes were dark. "Who, indeed," he murmured, then cocked an eyebrow. "You said I know him."

I groaned. Leave it to Heero to not leave well enough alone. "Not this, Heero. Ask another question. I'll answer that instead. Okay?"

Heero thought for a moment. "Promise?"

Uh-oh. "Uh... yeah?"

Heero smirked. "Why are you still here?"

Oh shit. "What?"

"Why are you still here?" he asked again, his face turning dead-serious. "Is it really because you agreed to stay for a month? Answer me honestly, Duo."

My face flamed, even as I felt relief loosen the knots inside me. "U-Um..." I looked away. "Well, that's part of it." I __was__ telling the truth, no matter how one looked at it. After all, I was here for more than Heero's conditions. I was here for him. And for the smile I'd stupidly taken from him recently.

"What's the other part of it?"

I was already thinking fast. "Well..."

"Duo..." Heero sighed.

Okay, so it was embarrassing – and extremely vulnerable – to admit even this much. "I... like being around you guys." Very, very important to add the word 'guys.' "Okay?"

Heero's smile returned. "Will you stay, then?"

Blush blush blush. Gods, why was he bringing this up now? Especially when... the box flitted through my mind with painful visions of getting everyone involved in another battle. Would we all be so lucky next time? "We... We'll see."

Heero's smile dimmed a bit, but he nodded. "I understand." He turned back to the cooking utensils, then straight back to me. "Duo... one more?"

I shrugged. "Just the first one's off-limits. It's time we get into this, I guess." I wasn't going to enjoy it. And I would have to be careful. But if it helped Heero... well, it was why I was here, wasn't it?

Heero nodded, returning to the stuff around him. I'd offered to help him once, but he'd quickly seen how useless I was in the kitchen. He'd joked that he now understood why I had ration bars. It made me smile to remember. Heero grabbed a sharp knife and started peeling potatoes. It was strange, because he had those peeler things. But he always managed to pull it off with one long string of skin. "Then... how do you feel about the four of us... as a group?"

He, too, seemed to be carefully editing himself. I was just as hesitant when speaking. "I feel like a fifth wheel."

The knife slipped, smacking into his finger. He didn't move it, but I thought I saw some blood. "Heero!"

"I knew it," he murmured to himself, and walked calmly over to the sink. He ran the water and placed both the knife and his finger under the water's spray.

"Heero, are you okay?" A stupid question; it was just a tiny little cut. Still...

"I'm fine," he said quietly. "A fifth wheel? Care to explain?"

"Maybe we should wait on this until all dangerous utensils are safely out of your hands."

"I'm fine. I would like to know."

I hissed, watching his hand as he returned to cutting off the potato skin. "Well, you guys all formed your group a long time ago, and you all have these little bonds because of it." If his hand started to slip, I was shutting up and demanding we wait. "I walk in and it feels like I'm stretching those bonds, like they have to work around me. If that makes any sense."

"Like you've been invited to a table full of strangers," Heero said simply.

Leave it to Heero to state emotions so plainly. "Yeah."

Heero was silent, staring at the potato like it held mystery's answers. "I'm sorry. Especially... especially since you're the one who put us together."

I gave him a skeptical look. "Look, I know you want to put the whole Trowa-and-Quatre thing on me, but..."

Heero sighed. "Quatre got Wufei and me after hearing where we were. Granted it was Quatre who took the step, but he said..." Heero hesitated, then bulldozed on. "He said he didn't want to lose another."

I winced.

"He doesn't blame you, Duo," Heero continued quickly. He put down one potato and substituted it for another. "None of us do. We all tried to find ourselves alone. We would have continued trying if..." Again Heero hesitated.

I almost asked him to continue, but was afraid of what I might hear.

Eventually Heero took the decision out of my hands. "If you hadn't left."

"Making it me again, huh?" I said breezily. "Hey, my motives were purely selfish." __Escape while I__ __could__ , I added silently. I wished stupidly that Heero hadn't put this one on me, too. Like I didn't feel enough useless guilt. __And hopefully find myself in the process.__ Which hadn't worked, I might add.

"Duo, we'd all believed that, even if we remained distant, you would always be there."

I winced again, understanding that what Heero left out was, 'you had been our constant.' And I'd let them down. How many times would I do that before I died?

I looked away again, unable to face him.

"No, Duo," Heero sighed, "that's not what I meant at all. Finding out you'd left... it hit us then. We'd expected you to keep coming back, when what you'd kept coming back to was..." He smiled crookedly. "Well, it wasn't the most welcoming of attitudes. Surely we've already said this? We realized we were giving nothing and expecting everything. We'd hurt you."

I shrugged, but I could never shrug off the truth of it. "Water under the bridge, man," I said, waving my hand negligently. It hurt a bit to move it, but I didn't show the pain. I'd found out that Heero had a certain mother-hen streak when it came to my injuries.

Heero scowled. "Would you stop doing that? We know better. We never felt __that__ emotion, but we know how it felt to search and search for you and never find anything. We found Hilde easily, but you'd broken away from her, just as you had with Quatre. You disappeared." There was a hint of remembered panic in Heero's voice. "We remember the fear that we would never find you, that..." Heero stopped, then shook his head. He put down the second now-skinned potato and reached for the last. "We... had some trouble... about a year after you left. Some crazy guy talking about killing all of us Gundam pilots. He bragged..."

I felt my eyes widen.

"He bragged," Heero forced out, "that he'd killed you. We lived in fear for... months." Heero rubbed his chest as if remembering an old pain. "Then," he sighed, "you sent Quatre an on-line Christmas card. Do you remember? You had an old joke in it that only Quatre recognized."

Oh yeah. The joke about beanstalks and golden eggs. "'So your swan shitted a Winner,'" I quoted, remembering how I'd said that when I'd finally found the flippancy to remark on the one-year anniversary present that Trowa had surprised Quatre with.

He smiled. "Yes, that. It was only then that we knew you were still alive. Somewhere."

"Sorry," I said softly.

"You couldn't have known."

"I wish I had. I would've helped."

"From the sidelines," Heero finished for me.

I could say nothing. It was the truth, after all.

Heero shook his head. "That panic was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I'd known you were skilled, that you could take care of yourself. But..." His breathing was oddly heavy. I was back to watching that knife hand. "But I couldn't know. We could take care of each other, but we could do nothing for you. If you __did__ get into trouble..." Heero hesitated. "We lived off of Quatre's reports. He wouldn't tell us much, but he __did__ tell us that you called, that you seemed well."

Did that knife just wobble?

"It was all we had," Heero sighed. "so I don't understand what it was like to be hurt over and over, but I do understand the fear of loss, the pain of it... I kept wondering if I would ever see you again. I swore that if I found you, I wouldn't let you go. No matter what."

Well, that would make the escaping option difficult. "Heero, how is the fear like getting glares from you guys? Doesn't quite seem the same to me."

"Yes, you had it much worse."

I scowled. "Not quite what I meant."

Heero sighed. "Of course not," he grumbled. Then, "the fear ate at us. We all suffered for it. We turned to each other, over and over again. Somewhere in there, it hit us all over again: while we now had each other to turn to, you'd never had anyone."

"Quatre," I blurted without thinking.

Heero's smile. "Yes, and thank God for him. If it weren't for him..." Heero's smile disappeared all over again. He finished peeling the last potato and threw the string of skin into the trash. Then he grabbed one potato after another and started chopping them into pieces. "Of course, Quatre's pain was worse than ours. He felt everyone's pain, not just his own. Trowa became upset at first, then angry. Quatre was hurting, and there was nothing he could do. He... started to blame you."

"As well he should," I said airily. "Quatre never let me know, or I swear I would've come to see him."

"Exactly why he didn't tell you," Heero noted gently. "He didn't want to force you back on his account. He kept saying that you'd feel trapped."

Quatre knew me far too well.

The potatoes, now chopped, were quickly placed in a mixing bowl. I stared at the contraption. I was good with machines, but not if they included food in any way. That particular machine hated me.

I sighed. "Look, Trowa's got his reasons, okay? I don't blame him one way or the other. __I__ was the one who left, after all." I had to speak up for Heero to hear me; he'd turned on the dreaded machine of doom.

Heero muttered something. I read his lips quick enough to see, 'in circles.' "Look, Duo," he said loudly, "you've admitted you feel like a fifth wheel, but then you say..." He paused. "No, you never __did__ say you don't have a problem with Trowa's attitude, now did you?"

Shit.

Heero scowled. "You always speak in half-truths and riddles. Why don't you speak plainly for once? Does Trowa's attitude hurt you?"

Shit shit shit. "I don't think-"

"Yes or no, Duo."

Didn't I say Heero could be downright obnoxious? "I'm not-"

"Yes, then," Heero answered himself. I growled. "In any case... dammit, Duo." Heero turned on me, turning off the mixer. "How can I ask a question so that you won't be able to skirt around the real answer?"

I gave him a shocked look. "What?"

"Duo," Heero said slowly, "are you happy here?"

I gaped. "I... what?"

Heero sighed. "Sometimes... I wonder. Your eyes sometimes tell me things they don't mean to. Like whenever Wufei comes over... you seem sadder."

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

I shrugged. "Well... you guys are..." I waved my hand at him, hoping whatever sadness entered my eyes wasn't too... big. "I feel like I'm in the way." Oh god.

Heero's eyes flashed a lot of things. Embarrassment was the one I saw first. "That was..." Heero? Flustered? Shit.

"Hey, hey," I waved my arms wildly, then winced. Loudly. Uh-oh.

Heero's eyes zeroed in on my pain. "Duo." He rushed over, gently checking my arm. "Don't overdo it, Duo," he warned. "You're still recuperating."

"Why thank you, doctor," I teased. "It's not that bad. I just forget sometimes."

Heero frowned. "Duo..."

"Yeah, yeah. Look, anyway, it's not that big a deal. You two have a thing. Okay, so? You think I'm gonna freak out or something?"

Heero shook his head, then looked away. "It's... not..." But his face was beet red. And very, very close to mine. "Um, don't move that arm." He got up and hurried back to the mixer. "Duo?"

"Huh?"

"You didn't answer the question."

I blinked. So I didn't. I carefully stalled for time. "Uh, what was it again?"

Heero gave me a knowing look. "Are you happy here?"

I was about to shrug, but it would be useless. Heero had already turned back to the mixer, carefully watching it. "I guess."

Heero's eyes hardened. "You guess?"

"Well, yeah. It's not all fun and roses, but then who expected it to be?"

"'Not all fun and roses,'" Heero quoted, seeming frustrated. "And what does that mean?"

"It means there are ups and downs." An obvious evasion.

"Specifics, Duo."

"Well, Trowa's not the nicest guy to be around. It's hard to talk to Quatre when I have Mr. Silent glaring at me." I carefully didn't shrug. Heero turned off the mixer, looking thoughtful. "And I guess it's hard, being out of the loop. But I only have myself to blame for these things-"

"Dammit, Duo." But Heero's voice switched immediately from frustrated to gentle. "You're too kind for your own good," he murmured.

I almost laughed, but Heero looked dead serious. He turned back to me, ignoring the steak and the spices he'd been about to add to it. "Um, Heero, I'm not kind."

Heero smiled again, a simple little quirk that brightened his face immeasurably. "No, you're definitely kind. You kept reaching out for far longer than Wufei or I ever could have. During the war, even though you confused me, you were my sanity. If it weren't for you, I would have continued to question my existence."

Whoa, whoa. Did __Heero Yuy__ just say that?

Heero chuckled and returned to the steak. "Yes, he did."

I blinked. "Shit! I said that out loud? Oops."

Heero grinned at me. "You should feel free to say whatever you think to us. We all share our secrets with one another now."

I didn't know how I felt about that. I wanted to scoff at it – whatever I learned from everyone was by them accidentally slipping it out or by me asking directly about it, though the latter didn't occur too often. Then I thought about it a bit more and wanted to sigh. They were an ironclad group, definitely closer than family. Shared all their secrets with one another, huh? Nice, but I wasn't one of the four. Their family didn't include me.

Although Lord knew Heero wanted it to.

I grinned at the wall, unable to watch Heero. I saw him bend over and place the steak in the oven. It never failed to shock me, Heero's odd domesticity. Heero could whip up anything practically from scratch. Me? Not so much.

"Duo, why did you leave?"

When would I stop being surprised? "Quatre didn't tell you?"

"He just said you needed time to figure everything out."

"Well, yeah. That's the reason I left."

"And did you?"

I thought about it, about everything I'd learned about myself. "A bit. But not enough." And I would never learn it all. Not now.

"I see." Heero did something with the green beans, I'm not sure what, and placed them in a pot. "Duo. What exactly were you trying to figure out?"

It wasn't any of his business. But then again, I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to worm away from him without answering... and maybe we needed to start talking. I didn't want to find myself in a situation like that day, that god-awful day when I'd heard the truth about Heero and Wufei... "Myself."

I said it so quietly I didn't think Heero could hear me – but then he sucked in a sharp breath. "I... see."

I hurried on. "It sounds cheesy, but I needed to know."

Heero frowned. "It doesn't sound cheesy. We all had a hard time finding ourselves outside the soldier we made ourselves become."

I nodded. But had they had to look beyond two people, the soldier and the person beneath that? My entire existence was false. But at least I'd been able to see a bit more... my fear, my confidence in my abilities but lack of confidence in myself... yes, I'd begun to understand. But I wasn't there yet. Not by a long shot. And now I never would be.

"Duo, we found that it was easier for us to get to know ourselves when someone else was there to help us."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Want to run that by me again?" I asked, amused. Like that made any sense.

"Duo, can you describe me in a few words?" Heero did something foreign with the mashed potatoes, too, then turned to me.

"The you now or the you before?"

Heero's mouth quirked. "How about the me now?"

I thought for a moment. "Loyal, headstrong, and kind." And it was soooo weird to use the last one in definition of one Heero Yuy.

Heero's eyes warmed. "And as for yourself?"

Selfish, lazy and depressed. The words were there, right there, but there was no way in hell I was saying them. Still, Heero's eyes sharpened. Maybe I should have added on 'astute' to his little list of virtues. "You thought of something, Duo, but it wasn't very good, was it?"

I clamped my mouth shut against the sardonic remark that wanted release. Maybe back during the war Heero wouldn't have thought much about my self-deprecating joke, but now he would catch it. "Huh?" was all I said instead.

"Generous, kind-hearted and dependable." Heero shrugged. "Just off the top of my head." He smirked. "Stubborn as a mule, and righteous. And a worrier. You tend to take the blame for things, too."

"That's more than a few words," I pointed out weakly.

Heero shrugged. "As I said, it's a lot easier to see someone else than to see yourself. Who was it who said that one can only see the reflection of oneself, but never actually oneself? I believe it was Shakespeare."

I scowled. Leave it to Heero to know something like that. I liked the sound of it, though. It explained why we couldn't see ourselves easily – why __I__ couldn't see __myself__ too easily. And wasn't it true that whenever we looked into a mirror, we always saw our imperfections? For instance: my nose was girly, as was the shape of my head. I was a bit short. Dammit. Very short. And my fingers were more musician's fingers than anything else, and you could hardly see the calluses on them. Heero's were long and slim, too, but they looked like those of a warrior. Mine looked like those the damsel in distress might have.

"Duo? What are you thinking about?"

I blushed. Like hell I was going to tell him I was thinking about his fingers. "Just that I like that quote."

Heero hummed in agreement. "So do I." He opened the oven, apparently checking on the steak. "I won't pressure you, Duo, but I would like to help you."

I couldn't look at him. He'd labeled me off with lightning ease, pointing out facets of my character I couldn't bring myself to believe were true. Kind-hearted? Generous? Dependable? What kind of dependable person was I when I almost got everyone killed? How kind could a bounty hunter ex-Gundam pilot be? And Lord knew bounty hunters weren't righteous. No. Heero was wrong.

But I wanted him to be right.

I turned to the trash can with a frown. Right now, again, I had no time to worry about who I was. I had someone I needed to stop – before someone else got hurt. Too bad, I thought with a grimace, I was stuck in a goddamn wheelchair.

* * *

* * *

I listened carefully to every move Heero made as he readied himself for work. As I was, I couldn't do any work even if I wanted to. And Heero had made me swear not to go on any missions during this month.

Usually Heero came in to help me get up so I could eat breakfast with him. He also used to stay and make sure I managed to bathe myself on my own. He would wait outside the bathroom and call to me if even the slightest sound emerged that seemed off. That had been humiliating, but at least I'd stayed in the hospital until I'd managed to bathe myself, even though Heero had offered to have me out as soon as I woke up. Having a nurse do it had been embarrassing enough.

My mind switched back and forth on me, pointing out Heero's words yesterday, then switched immediately to the box in the trash. A warning, obviously to see my reaction. To scare me into leaving, or to scare me into action? Maybe they just liked toying with me.

I could smell breakfast cooking. It was only a matter of time before Heero entered. We hadn't talked about anything else serious yesterday, but it had caught me by surprise – my desire to hear the end of... the little mini-conversation. He'd avoided it the same way I'd tried to avoid __his__ question.

__Heero sighed. "Sometimes... I wonder. Your eyes sometimes tell me things they don't mean to. Like whenever Wufei comes over... you seem sadder."_ _

__Oh shit oh shit oh shit._ _

__I shrugged. "Well... you guys are..." I waved my hand at him, hoping whatever sadness entered my eyes wasn't too... big. "I feel like I'm in the way..." Oh god._ _

__Heero's eyes flashed a lot of things. Embarrassment was the one I saw first. "That was..." Heero? Flustered? Shit._ _

" _ _Hey, hey," I waved my arms wildly, then winced. Loudly. Uh-oh.__

__Heero's eyes zeroed in on my pain. "Duo." He rushed over, gently checking my arm. "Don't overdo it, Duo," he warned. "You're still recuperating."_ _

" _ _Why thank you, doctor," I teased. "It's not that bad. I just forget sometimes."__

__Heero frowned. "Duo..."_ _

" _ _Yeah, yeah. Look, anyway, it's not that big a deal. You two have a thing. Okay, so? You think I'm gonna freak out or something?"__

__Heero shook his head, then looked away. "It's... not..." But his face was beet red. And very, very close to mine. "Um, don't move that arm." He got up and hurried back to the mixer. "Duo?"_ _

" _ _Huh?"__

" _ _You didn't answer the question."__

Sneaky bastard. Why the hell was Heero so flustered? Thinking about it more, Heero seemed really uncomfortable talking about his relationship with Wufei. But the two of them were completely natural around each other. What was it about talking to me about their relationship that disturbed them? They said it wasn't a secret... did they just not like talking about it? But why?

"Duo?" Heero knocked.

It was a courtesy I didn't understand; this was his freaking house. "Yeah?" As if I didn't know what he wanted.

"May I come in?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course."

Heero opened the door then, shining the light from the hall directly into my eyes. I squinted and smiled at him. He looked good in that ridiculous uniform. I'd always thought that vomit green looked hideous on everyone, but Heero once again proved me wrong. "'Morning."

Heero's face held a smile again. "Good morning."

I grumbled about the word good. I hated mornings. Didn't Heero, too?

Heero chuckled. "I don't know, I think I had a good rest last night."

Funny, I hadn't.

I cocked an eyebrow. "Really."

"Yes. That's the first time you and I managed to have a full-fledged conversation." Heero seemed extremely pleased about that.

I had to admit, it had been... good... to get a couple of things off my chest. And at least now I had a better appreciation of Heero's irritation. It was a pain to not know why his relationship with Wufei was such a sensitive subject.

"So, what's for breakfast?" I asked, sitting up. If I were alone, I would stand up and move to my wheelchair. With Heero, such an action would not be appreciated.

Heero quickly held me up and deposited me in my waiting wheelchair. I glared at the thing as Heero moved me to the kitchen. I had suffered this too many times to be blushing again today. "Pancakes. Wufei will be coming by today to take you to your appointment."

I scowled at he thought of dealing with Mr. Zencroft again, then smirked. Wufei, huh? Great. Maybe I could interrogate __him__ about their relationship. Subtly, of course. "Pancakes? Cool."

Heero chuckled. "Thank you, by the way."

"Huh?" For what?

"For talking to me yesterday. I know it was hard for you."

I almost swallowed my tongue. "Uh, well..." I shrugged, then cowered under Heero's mother-hen glare. "Oops. My bad."

Heero shook his head. "I'm glad we've begun to talk."

I didn't want to think about Heero's evasion, but I couldn't help it. It wormed into my mind like a freaking tumor. But Heero had started opening up before I had, so wasn't it only fair? "Yeah, well..." I continued stupidly.

Heero swung us into the kitchen and situated me by the table. The chair that had once sat there had been moved to make room for me. I was a little short for the table, but I never said anything. Heero moved to the stove – the man's abilities over there were freaking scary – and dished up two pancakes. He brought the plate over and returned to make a new batch.

"Thanks," I murmured quietly, feeling bad. Heero had to practically spoon-feed me everything. I was slowing him down.

I couldn't help but think about what that might mean if my mystery stalker decided to attack. Quatre and I were practically out of commission. If the man were to only target me and leave everyone else alone, I wouldn't have too much of a problem. But what if Heero or Wufei decided to protect me?

I stared glumly at my food.

"Duo? Don't you like it?"

I jumped guiltily. "Of course I do," I scoffed with a smile. To prove it, I grabbed the butter and syrup on the table and added them both liberally, then dug in.

Heero shook his head. "Too much syrup," he muttered, but he was smiling. "Remember your appointment," he reminded me.

"Yes, Mama-Yuy," I joked, mouth full. I swallowed and cast a grin behind me to the stove. The room was oddly homey, I thought, not for the first time. Heero had made his house a home. The kitchen's wall was a light, light yellow, something I had not expected when first entering. It had cooking utensils, just like a chef's home. And had a framed quote. I had no idea what it could be called, whether it was a painting or what, but it was a decorated quote in a frame. I'd memorized it long ago. 'The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.' Said by some guy named Arthur C. Clark.

There was a plant hanging by the back door, well-watered and cared for. A few of its vines hung down, draping themselves in the air. It was... comfortable. Heero had made a nice place.

Heero grumbled something probably related to my teasing comment. "I'll get those writing pads for you before returning. Okay?"

I felt an instant slam of guilt. "You don't have to," I murmured.

"It isn't because I have to that I'm doing it," Heero admonished. I heard the sound of batter sizzling and knew Heero had flipped the pancakes.

"Well..." I blushed. "Thank you." I snatched up a huge bite and stuffed it all in my mouth. Hopefully Heero wouldn't let me talk with my mouth full again. Or at least now I had an excuse to not speak.

Heero seemed to sense my discomfort. "Do you know what you'll be doing today for Mr. Zencroft?"

I held up a finger, relieved, and proceeded to chew. I gulped it down and answered. "Actually..."

* * *

Just for practice, I told myself about an hour or so after Heero left. I couldn't afford to be helpless right now. I had to be able to __do__ something, or else I was just a sitting duck. I couldn't let that happen.

My legs were the least screwed-up part of me, though moving them aggravated my stomach to the point of agony. Using my arms was out, though; I could hardly move them, let alone use them to lift me up. I carefully positioned myself as best as I could.

Then I tried to stand up.

I screamed in pain almost immediately and fell back into my chair, having hardly made it an inch. My god but that hurt. I took a deep breath, then winced again. No wonder Heero had argued with me when I'd wanted to try to stand. I wasn't ready. Not even close. Gods. Not good.

One more time. One more time, and this time I would have to ignore the piercing pain in my abdomen and arms and...

I didn't let myself think about it but just used my legs to push me, my arms only to balance. My stomach burned. I cried out again, but used my scream to push me, make me get up. Sweat broke out across my skin. I didn't breathe. My heartbeat was painful.

I took a small step forward, then another and another until I was leaning against the wall. A plain color of paint, a light intensity of a dark blue hue. A sofa table sat beside me. I turned to it and stared at the Chinese dragon figurine on top of it. It stood front and center, its mouth wide, its dark blue scales shining. It was most likely a gift from Wufei. I hated how perfect it was.

I took my time, allowing myself shallow breaths. It hurt, but at least I was up. I wouldn't be able to fight like this, though. I couldn't even hold myself up! This was bad. I had too much more recovery to do. I was spinning from worried to panicked quick when I heard the doorbell ring.

I turned my head to the door. The UPS driver again? Or was it...?

I grimaced. At least I was alone right now. And Wufei wasn't supposed to show up for at least a little longer... if I made this quick, maybe no one else would get hurt.

I scowled. I didn't like suicide.

I struggled to the door, panting like a dog. My hand clutched the wall, then carefully pushed off it, allowing me into the small lobby in front of the door. I fell on the door for a moment. Heavy. I was so fucking heavy for some reason. I wanted to clutch my stomach, but my arms were too tired to try. The burning sensation was worse. Even if I had a gun in my hand, I wouldn't be able to use it. I was completely vulnerable.

I didn't want to go down without a fight. But I didn't think I'd be able to help it.

With a wince, I leaned off the door and opened it.

Wufei stared at me in horror.

"Maxwell!"

I winced as a pounding centered mercilessly in my head. "Um, hi?" I whispered, but it hurt to speak. I felt my stomach spike with pain and gasped.

I didn't even notice I was falling.

Wufei's voice pierced the dizziness consuming me, a sound of panic. __Shit.__

I felt hands around me, then warmth that could only come from a human's body. Wufei? I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I saw his fuzzy shape looking at me. Those eyes... they were dark with fear. It was so plain why Heero would fall for him... I smiled. "He's yours," I whispered, my voice too weak for even me to hear.

"Duo, hold on! I'm calling the hospital now!"

I shook my head. "No, no..." I had to be here, just in case the person came, whoever it was. "No." I tried to grab Wufei, but the pain in my arm prevented me. "Please..."

"Hello? Yes, my friend has collapsed..."

"No." I started to struggle in Wufei's hold. I couldn't let him take me away from here! What if the man came? What if Heero was targeted because I had run away? No, no, no! The whole point of this was be ready, to not be useless! I couldn't let Wufei take me away from here!

"Duo, hold still..."

"No." I ignored the pain this time, grabbed Wufei's arm. Desperate, I glared through the blur. "No."

"Duo..."

I shook my head, sending stars into my vision. "Please," I whispered.

I couldn't see clearly, but I could hear well enough. "I'm sorry for this. It seems my friend is waking up... yes, he seems fine... he says he tripped. Yes, I'm very sorry. Thank you." And the sound of a cell phone snapping closed could be heard. Thank God. "Duo, what the hell is going on?"

"Can't go," I murmured.

"Why?"

Wufei lifted me up then, carefully moving to the sofa. I closed my eyes, the shifting scenery hurting my eyes and head. I winced. "Can't," I whispered.

"Duo, tell me what's wrong." The panic was back in his voice.

I felt a pillow beneath my head. It felt nice. My stomach hurt so badly... it was too hot. My arm, too. They were too hot... "Hot..." I murmured.

"What?" Wufei cursed. "I'm calling Heero."

Oh. That would be bad. "No," I whispered.

"You won the first one. I get to win this one," Wufei said firmly.

I quirked a quick, tired smile. "'Kay," I allowed.

Wufei seemed even more afraid with my easy acquiescence. "Yuy? Yuy, Maxwell's collapsed. No, he was standing when he opened the door... I don't know... no, he's on the sofa now... no, he's almost unconscious. Of course I'll stay here, Yuy," Wufei said exasperatedly. "Yes, but Duo kept saying 'no'... all he said was 'can't.' No, I don't know why..." Wufei turned more fully toward me. I could hear it in the sudden increase in volume. "Yes, that would be best." The cell phone snapped closed once more. "Yuy's on his way."

I groaned. Fabulous. Now Heero was leaving his job to mother-hen me to an early grave. He would most likely demand more days off to care for me. Fucking fantastic.

"Duo, what do you need?"

 _ _I need to be able to fight.__ I struggled to put Wufei into better focus. "I'm okay," I managed.

"Bullshit," Wufei snapped. He stood with a flourish. "Try again."

Fine then. I sat up as quickly as possible, not giving myself the chance to think about it. The pain tripled. I cried out. I couldn't help it.

"Duo!" Wufei forgot his exasperation and snatched me up, holding me up when my body collapsed once again. "Duo, stop this. Don't try to stand anymore."

"Have to," I whispered. If only I could put more power into my voice. Maybe Wufei wouldn't place me back down on the sofa as if I were a baby.

"Why?" Wufei asked again.

"I can't..." The stars popped in front of me again, and the world tilted funnily. I had to grab Wufei for support, and my arm tore into shards of agony. "Aah!"

"Duo." Wufei tenderly moved my arm back to my side, settling the pillow more comfortably behind my head. "Just rest."

I couldn't afford to! What if...?

"Danger," I whispered, trying to impart to him the importance of not dropping his guard. I reached up again, stupidly. "Danger."

"All right. I'll keep watch. I won't let anything happen."

"Heero..."

Wufei held my hand as it trembled in its effort. "I'll watch out for him."

I couldn't even nod, my head was spinning so much. I let my eyes close and slipped into unconsciousness, trusting Wufei to take care of everything.

* * *

"How long?"

"Since shortly after I called you."

"Did you...?"

"He said 'danger.'"

"Danger?"

"Hmm."

I felt waves of energy coming from someone nearby. It was almost painful.

"He's hiding things. Even now..."

"Yuy?"

"We'd begun talking last night..."

"What? What is it?"

"The box," that voice hissed. The energy – frustration, anger – grew. "He lied about it."

"Yuy-"

"Dammit, Duo! What do you want from me?"

"Yuy, I don't think that's-"

"What do you know? Every day he seems to fight with himself – to be happy or sad, to talk or be silent, to joke or be serious. He's __acting__ , Wufei!"

There was a pause. I started slipping back into sleep. The frustration seemed to be diminishing, leaving me feeling safe enough to rest again.

"Yuy, he's afraid. I understand your pain, but-"

"He thinks we're still lovers."

Wufei hissed. "Dammit. I feared his reaction. He was... far too flippant."

"I just..." Heero sighed. I heard something in it, something that hurt me, but I was just too tired. "It shouldn't have happened."

"We agreed that it was in the past and something we couldn't change. We won't let it affect our future."

Heero nodded. "We... we need to explain it..."

"Why? You obviously have no intention of telling him."

Heero made an uncomfortable noise. It was followed by Wufei's chuckle. "You're worried about Duo's own love interest."

"Yes. When we spoke, he refused to answer that one question. He said only __that__ question was off-limits."

"Hm."

There was a silence again, and I slipped further into the darkness. The pains in my arm and stomach were muted. I sensed something in me, distantly. A drug? I remembered that Heero had been given pain-killers...

In that short moment, I blessed that evil doctor. It was heaven to have solace from the pain.

"Don't worry, Heero. We'll get everything figured out, and then you can suck it up and tell him how you feel."

"But..."

"Aren't you the one who lectured Trowa and me about emotions and following them? You __will__ tell him, Heero. Steal him from the person who hurt him. He needs someone like you, Heero. You can save him."

"How? He keeps turning away from me..."

"How did he get past The Perfect Soldier into your heart?"

There was a small laugh. "Dogged persistence."

"Well, then you know what to do. Just keep at it, Heero. The fact that he spoke to you means you're getting to him."

A sigh. "You're right. I know you're right..."

I started to slip away from the conversation. It was a strange dream, a strange thing to imagine oneself hearing. An interesting one...

"So..."

"What?"

"You __have__ to tell me! What all did he tell you?"

Another chuckle. The warmth of it got rid of the last vestiges of my discomfort and slid me into peaceful oblivion.

* * *

* * *

I was pretending to sleep.

It was the coward's way, I knew, but I comforted myself with the knowledge that it was good recon. Wufei, I had noticed quickly, had decided to stay, most likely because I'd scared the piss out of him. Heero had stayed from his quick trip from Preventors HQ and seemed to be trapped against the wall beside the sofa, which I was still sprawled on. He was staring at me, just watching.

"Is he still sleeping?" Wufei asked quietly, walking into the room from – I guessed from the sound of the footsteps – the bathroom.

"Hn." Heero's eyes, I was sure, stayed on me.

Wufei sighed. "What danger are we watching for?"

"Hell if I know." Heero sounded supremely pissed about that. Then again, I couldn't blame him. If it were me, I'd be livid. I didn't like being blindsided by an enemy. This hadn't gone quite like I'd planned. I hadn't been certain I'd tell them, and if I had, it wouldn't have been like this. Yep. I planned shit out real carefully. Way to go me.

You know what? This was why __Quatre__ was the tactician.

"Whatever it is, it's got Duo worried." It sounded like someone was sipping something.

Heero snorted. "Duo's always worried."

I wanted to scowl, but Wufei just chuckled lightly. "That's true enough. He must fear not being able to face this enemy-"

"And getting us involved," Heero growled. "Why else would he hide it? It would be just like Duo to hide things to try to make others' lives easier, without ever giving a thought to his own."

"Hm. That's true enough, as well." Wufei left for a bit. Heero's gaze burned down at me.

"Yuy?" Wufei called from the kitchen.

"Hm?" That gaze left me for a moment.

"Is this the box?"

Heero moved into the kitchen. "Yes."

Shit. So Heero, in his always-infinite wisdom, had figured it out. That would make things even hairier when I awoke. I shouldn't have said anything to Wufei... no. No, I had done the right thing. They couldn't be kept in the dark – at least not about the danger.

"Heero, there's so much wrapping in this – I can't see how anything would have been in here."

"There had to have been something," Heero said grimly. "He'd acted strangely about that damn box."

Shit. I bet Heero felt humiliated right about now. I had lied to him, used him, and he'd just gone with it to help me out. Guilt slammed into me right there.

"Yes, you told me," Wufei said softly. That made me think – how long had I been asleep? Just what all had they been able to talk about?

"What the hell's going on, Duo?" Heero murmured, his gaze definitely back on me. "What's happening? Are you going to leave us again?"

My heart tore at the pain in Heero's voice. He thought I was planning on running. I felt horrible when I realized that running had in fact been my first choice. That wasn't an option; I couldn't leave Heero and Wufei in danger. And I couldn't stand the pain in that voice. I had sworn Heero would never cry again, and I had every intention of holding up to that internal promise.

"Heero," Wufei said softly. There was silence then, but it was oddly... well, not comfortable for me, but comfortable for them. I was reminded painfully of their relationship.

Finally Heero sighed. "I know," he said softly. But neither had said anything. They'd communicated with their eyes. Dammit, that hurt.

There was another sipping sound. I could only guess that they stopped their 'couple' moment and got back to staring at me. "We won't let him leave. I'll tie him down if I have to."

Heero chuckled at that. "He can escape."

"I'll taser him."

Heero just barely muffled a laugh. A bittersweet spear caught me right in the chest, making it impossible to breathe. It wasn't like I couldn't make Heero laugh. I could. I did. And when I did, it was the most rewarding thing I'd ever received, the most miraculous event I'd ever witnessed. Hearing Heero laugh always lightened my chest – unless, apparently, Wufei made him do so. Apparently that hurt.

"Duo?"

Shit. My breath had hitched. I quickly tried to cover it up by groaning slightly and trying to twist around. My breath __really__ hitched this time. My stomach spiked another lance into me.

"Duo!"

"Maxwell!"

Hands immediately grabbed me to help me into a better position. I took the chance to open my eyes and look at Heero and Wufei. Both had looks of concern at the moment, eyes worried. "I'm okay," I managed.

"Maxwell, enough." Wufei looked me over. "Yuy, you can clean up our mess. I'll take care of Maxwell."

"Mess?" They'd made a mess?

"We dropped our coffee when we saw you..." Wufei struggled to explain that they'd been watching me as I slept.

"Oh." I winced; coffee was a bitch to clean. "Sorry."

Wufei sighed. " _ _Enough__. Are you hurting?"

Of course I was. "Only a little. Like a twinge."

Wufei gave me a disbelieving look. "In other words, you don't want any more pain medication."

Pain medication? How had I known that I'd already been given some of that? Maybe it was the slightly dizzy feeling I had. "Uh, right."

Wufei smirked. "Well. We're getting somewhere. Now if only we can get you to tell us what's going on."

I winced again. "Um, do I have to?" But of course I would – there was no hiding it now. And maybe, since they obviously had no intention of letting or making me leave, they could prepare themselves.

"Um, yes?" Wufei said drolly, rolling his eyes.

I had to smile. "Uh..." I couldn't see Heero because of how I'd been placed on the sofa; Heero was behind my head. Still, I was certain he was listening closely to our conversation. "First – I'm sorry."

Wufei just cocked an eyebrow. I could see he was fighting a smile. I scowled; the bastard had known I would apologize. I glared at him. "I didn't want you to find out this way. I'd been thinking about telling you..."

"Thanks for the consideration, Maxwell," Wufei said.

I scowled deeper. "I don't know anything about it, though. Just that someone knows that the infamous Black Strike is staying here."

Wufei frowned. "That's not good. How did they find out?"

I almost shrugged but stopped at a twinge from my arm. "I don't know."

"Don't shrug," Heero ordered from somewhere on the carpet.

"Yes, Mama-Yuy," I sighed resignedly.

Wufei coughed out a laugh. "Mama-Yuy?" he asked, distracted.

"Yeah. Because he's like those mothers you see on television from the old times, where they give their kids cough medicine at the first signs of a cold and have the child on bed rest."

Wufei laughed outright. "You have a bit more than a cold," he managed to point out.

Heero's footsteps retreated into the kitchen for a bit, and I waited for him to return. When his footsteps led him back in, I continued on our original conversation. "All I got was a card with my sign on it."

"In the box," Heero said, coming into my line of vision. His voice was a bit cold. I couldn't look in his eyes.

"Yes. I'm sorry, Heero."

Heero's voice was a thousand times warmer when he replied. "No, don't worry about it, Duo. I understand."

"Understanding things doesn't make them easier to bear," I said quietly. "I shouldn't have lied to you. But..."

"You were considering leaving." It wasn't a question.

"I thought of it. But..." I closed my eyes. "Can you understand this, Heero?" As if Wufei wasn't here, I turned to him. "I can't do anything. And because I'm here... dammit, I'd never planned to be near anyone again. Because of __this__. Now I can't even protect..." I shut up. It was pretty conceited to believe that I would need to protect Heero and Wufei. And didn't it sound too... intimate? Still, it was what I was thinking, and it was what was hurting the most.

Heero seemed surprised. I thought I saw Wufei's face contort for a bit and feared he'd understood my words. But his eyes showed more pain than interest or jealousy. "Duo, we can take care of ourselves." As if Heero needed to tell me that.

"That's not the point, dammit. You shouldn't have to." I wished I could __do__ something. It was so frustrating to be helpless.

"Duo," Wufei cut in, "when we brought you into our group, we accepted your dangers as our own. Besides," Wufei said with a small smile, "we're Preventors. And you're our number one secret operative – as it were. It would be our job to protect you."

Well. If he was being serious, that was painful... but if he was being sarcastic, then... that was worse. I tried on a smile. "Things have gotten a lot harder for you these days, haven't they?"

Wufei sighed dramatically. "Too much paperwork."

Like that was the biggest concern. Dammit, I'd already almost gotten Wufei killed. I'd seen him fall once. I didn't want to see it again. "I don't want..."

Heero left and came back dragging two chairs. He set them down and Wufei and Heero sat, Heero closer to my head. "Duo," Heero said finally, "I do understand. Remember?" He was talking about his story about the crazy bastard who'd said he killed me. "But we can look out for each other. We won't let anything happen __to anyone__."

"Quatre," I started, but Wufei snorted, interrupting me.

"With his shadow following him, I don't think that will be much of a problem," Wufei said sardonically.

Damn, that was something else. This little incident would put Quatre in danger, which Trowa would place directly at my feet. Another reason for him to hate me for all eternity, as if I hadn't given him enough. Soon he wouldn't let Quatre come over at all.

"Duo?" Heero asked, apparently concerned with my silence.

"Trowa," I said quietly.

The two were quiet at that. There was nothing they could say, after all. Trowa would be livid. Absolutely livid. I wouldn't be surprised if he shot me and dragged my carcass out into the streets.

"We'll deal with him," Wufei said firmly. "You need to focus on taking care of yourself. I don't want a heart attack, Duo, and you almost gave me one."

"Sorry," I murmured.

Wufei groaned. "Oh, don't start that again!" he shouted, exasperated. "Enough. I've heard enough apologies from you to last the rest of my life."

I had to agree, seeing as I might just get him killed, and soon. "How many people are going to find me? How many will want revenge?" I asked sadly, not expecting an answer.

"It doesn't matter," Heero said firmly. "I don't give a damn. No one will take you or any of us down."

He sounded like he wanted to end the sentence with something like, 'not while I'm around.' Hadn't there been a movie with a song titled that? And hadn't that turned out pretty damn god-awful?

I looked at both of them, at their faces set in determination. I __couldn't__ let them put themselves in danger again. Not for me. What would I do if...?

I closed my eyes. "I can't do this."

"Yes, you can." Heero's voice reached me; again, I'd said something I hadn't meant to. A hand covered mine. I jumped and turned startled eyes to Heero.

Heero seemed to hesitate for a moment, but his hand stayed where it was in the end – right there on top of mine. It was warm. "You __can__ do this, Duo. Just trust us."

His eyes were deep with the strength of what he was saying. I couldn't respond to them. Worse, I had no idea what I would say even if I could. Wufei didn't exist. Right now there was nothing but Heero and that warm hand. "I do," I said stupidly. Horrified, I backpedaled. "But that doesn't mean that..."

Those eyes, with their deep blue hue, intensified even more. "We can take this guy down, just like we did Harlow."

"That was different," I argued. What was the point of this conversation? I knew I would lose. Heero and Wufei were just as stubborn as me, but they could overpower me by working together. There was no way... and I could deny Heero nothing.

"Yes – there was more than one." Wufei smirked. I jumped. Damn. How had I forgotten that he was there?

"And how do we know that there's only one?" I countered.

Wufei shrugged. "Maxwell, maybe you've forgotten this, but we were Gundam pilots. We can handle this threat, whatever it is."

I glared at him. "Thanks for that," I snapped tiredly. "But if you haven't noticed, we're down two pilots, and we can't have round-the-clock surveillance on this house."

Both gave me a disbelieving look. "Maxwell, have you lost your mind?" Wufei asked.

"Duo," Heero cut in, giving Wufei a Look, "we're going to be here-"

"No!" I shouted. My stomach gave a warning twinge. I ignored it. "Not another mission! I'm not going to have you guys become my... my bodyguards!" Both were giving me shocked looks. "You can't just stop everything to watch my stupid back all the time! You have better things to-"

"Nothing is more important than... taking care of one another," Heero said firmly, tripping over his sentence halfway through. I gave him a look to tell him I caught his slip and he blushed. What the hell?

"What Yuy means, Duo," Wufei cut in quickly, "is that we would never go to work knowing you were in danger. Whether you're here or halfway across the known Universe. Do you understand?"

Not in the slightest. Heero was blushing madly and staring at his legs, for Heaven's sake. And Wufei had blatantly entered the conversation again to protect him. But why? What had Heero been about to say that was so embarrassing?  _ _You__ , my mind submitted. I thought about it, then smiled brightly. It probably split my face. "Ha ha! Heero, you moron, had you been about to make romantic overtures to me? Better be careful, or Wufei's gonna get mad."

Wufei sighed in exasperation when Heero's face turned beet red. "All right," he muttered. "That's enough. Maxwell." Wufei turned to me, his eyes serious. "Before we go any further, we're going to have to talk about this."

"Wufei," Heero hissed.

Wufei leaned forward, ignoring Heero's humiliated outcry. "We aren't lovers."

It took a moment for that to process. "What?"

Wufei situated himself a bit more comfortably. "It's about time you learn about this, Duo," he said gently. "It's not... our greatest moment, but..."

Heero couldn't even look up from his lap. "Wufei," he whined.

"Yuy, we have to tell him."

Heero was silent.

"Hey, wait." I raised both hands up quickly, then flinched. My arm protested that movement.

"Maxwell, calm down," Wufei said, grabbing my arm and placing it back down. "Remember your injuries, will you?" He sounded exasperated again.

"Wait," I said again, though this time I made certain not to move my damn arm. "Wait a minute. This isn't my business..."

"Maxwell, you do realize that by calling us lovers..." Wufei hesitated. "Well, we __aren't__ lovers. Technically, we never really were."

"Technically," I echoed dully. What was he saying? "But... you guys..."

Wufei nodded. "Yes, we had sex. But as I said, it was never our proudest moment."

Proudest moment? What did he mean? "I... don't understand."

"Yuy." Wufei nudged Heero sharply with his elbow. Heero jerked like he'd been shot.

"Hn?" he answered finally.

Wufei took another glance at Heero, but he didn't look like he'd be moving any time soon. He sighed and turned back to me. "We were on a mission..."

* * *

* * *

"Shit!"

"Wufei!" Heero scrambled over to his partner, laying cover fire for himself. Hell of a bust. Hell of a fuck-up.

"I'm okay," Wufei gasped, clutching his arm. "You?"

"Unharmed," Heero clipped out, ripping his shirt, then Wufei's. With an expert hand, he tied the makeshift bandage to Wufei's bloody arm. It was only a glancing blow, but it bled pretty badly.

"We could use some serious help right about now," Wufei snapped, obviously pissed.

"We were supposed to report back two hours ago. Une knows us – she'll figure out something's wrong."

"Fucking mole," Wufei ground out.

Of a mole's existence they were absolutely certain. This bust was supposed to be one of the biggest busts of the year – no, __the__ biggest bust of the year, possibly the biggest bust since the start of Preventors. And they had a fucking mole.

"We need to find a place to hide until back-up arrives," Heero said grimly.

"Heero..." Wufei shook his head. They both knew the chances of getting help in time was slim at best.

"I'm not going down," Heero growled.

Wufei smirked. "The hell you're going to live longer than me," he agreed.

Heero peeked quickly over their tiny slab of building. The place was like a warzone. Whoever had been unfortunate enough to be in this part of the town could very well be dead by now. Heero didn't want to think about that.

They pushed their way forward, one small footstep at a time. It was two hours later when they found somewhere they could hide – if only they could get there.

"An underground highway," Heero hissed. Long abandoned as a transportation service due to the danger of breaking down the colony's fragile structuring, it was the perfect place to hide. There were far too many twists and turns for the soldiers to easily find them, even if they realized that was where Heero and Wufei had squirreled themselves away.

"We need a smoke bomb," Wufei hissed. Unfortunately, they'd already used them up when the enemies had suddenly turned on their exact location and fired.

Heero hissed. "No. We need a distraction."

"Heero, no," Wufei snapped under his breath.

"Go." Heero stood and ran for a nearby slab on the opposite side of the entrance to their hide-away. Shots rang around him. He dove for the safety of the slab, a sharp pain slicing through his leg.

He grunted as he landed, taking in the damage. It had passed through – damn, they were getting lucky – and hit right underneath his knee. Shit. That might take a while to heal.

Assuming, of course, that he lived.

He couldn't help but think of Duo now, of where he was. It had been two months since Quatre's last contact with him, and that had been short and sweet. All Heero had learned from it was that Quatre thought Duo was doing "all right" – whatever that meant.

There had to be more than one entrance to that damnable highway, but the chances of him finding one before he was taken down were nonexistent. At least Wufei was safe. For now.

"One!" Wufei's voice shouted out, immediately followed by a blast to Heero's right – away from the hide-out.

Heero reacted immediately, racing for the entrance even as his mind supplied him with information – Wufei had thrown a gun on the hope that it would misfire once it landed. The enemies, after hearing the word 'one,' would be expecting a 'two' – a second attack.

Instead, Heero dove into safety, ignoring the searing pain in his leg.

"Thanks," he gasped, rolling into a crouch. Before him stood Wufei, gazing at him in concern.

"You've been hit," he whispered.

"We have to move," Heero said grimly, knowing it would hurt like hell.

Wufei nodded, agreeing. "Can you?"

"I'm fine," he answered.

"Then let's go."

As one, they turned and trooped off deeper into the dark tunnels around them.

* * *

There was no light.

It was a darkness more complete than night, more complete than death. Heero couldn't see anything. Not Wufei, not incoming enemies, not even his own hand. It was a complete, total darkness. A place of nightmares, where demons could be lurking behind you and there was nothing you could do to stop them from devouring you.

Of course, Heero had never believed in ghosts or ghouls or demons. He wondered idly if Duo did. Probably not. For all the man's foolishness, he was still pragmatic enough to know the difference between fantasy and truth.

Wufei sighed. "I heard footsteps a minute ago."

"As did I." Heero's injury pulsed painfully. He absently searched for his leg in the dark, rubbed it. It was covered with blood. He and Wufei had stopped to bandage it before the darkness had become too complete, but it seemed now like the bandages weren't enough. "We have no provisions," Heero murmured.

"And even if help did show up, they may not find us for quite a while."

It seemed that Wufei had followed his own thoughts. "We may die here," he said anyway.

"Yes."

Heero was silent for a moment. "It's such a lame way to go," he murmured wistfully, thinking of all the things he should have done.

Wufei was silent for a pregnant beat before saying softly, "that's what he said."

"Hn?" Heero had no idea if he'd turned his head in the right direction, and lord knew he could see nothing, but an instinctive reaction made him turn toward Wufei's voice, nonetheless.

"Maxwell." Just the name made a shiver race down Heero's spine. "When we were being held, and the oxygen went out... he said it was 'a lame way to go.'"

It made Heero smile. "He would."

Wufei snorted. "Are... you all right?"

Heero paused, wondering at Wufei's tone. Obviously he wasn't talking about his wound. "No," he said finally.

"Hm."

They were silent again for a while. Heero had no idea what Wufei was doing to entertain himself within the darkness, but he was trying to imagine Duo as he looked now. Certainly the boyish face had grown older, more lean. But those eyes would still be wide.

"I loved him."

Heero froze, his thoughts stuck on a certain 'him.' "What?"

"Treize."

Heero felt his spine stiffen in different places as the tensed places relaxed. "Treize?" he echoed. "You despised him... didn't you?"

Wufei's chuckle was humorless. "Oh, no. I despised his methods, his thinking. But in fact... the thing I hated, the thing I decided he needed to die for because it wasn't virtuous... I was wrong. I thought he fought war for no reason but his own wants, discounting those lost..." Wufei's pain was naked in his voice. It was the first time Heero had ever heard the Chinese warrior's voice like that.

But somehow, in the darkness, it seemed fitting for secrets to be laid bare. "I never knew, Wufei," Heero murmured.

"I know. I didn't want you to." Wufei laughed again. "It's too late for me. I killed him myself."

Heero winced. "Wufei..."

"But you." Heero couldn't see anything, but he knew without doubt that Wufei's steady eyes were trying to trap him in their gaze nonetheless. "You... it's not over for you. Not yet. That's why... that's why you have to find him, Yuy."

Heero felt something in him clench tightly around his heart. It was hard to breathe. "I know. I've tried."

Wufei hissed. "We're a pair, aren't we? Both suffering for love. Some incredible warriors we are."

Heero's chuckle then was as dry as Wufei's. "Yes," he whispered.

They were silent then, unable to speak more. The subject made more talking pointless.

* * *

Heero tried to move his leg and groaned. Talk about pain.

"Heero?"

Well, that said something. They'd been here in the darkness for so long, Wufei was worried enough to say his first name. "Hn?"

"We can't last too much longer," Wufei whispered, his throat sounding as dry as Heero's was.

"Hn." He had to wonder just how long they'd been down here. There hadn't been any search parties lately, but trying to leave their safe little niche would be reckless. If they left and the enemy spotted them, they were dead. Their chances of living were practically nonexistent as they were. Jumping into death earlier would be stupid.

"Geez, Yuy, don't talk my ear off."

Heero smiled. "Hn."

Wufei fell into silence for a while, then, hesitantly, "Yuy?"

"Hn?"

"You've had sex before, right?"

Despite how tired and thirsty and hungry he was, he managed to stiffen and stutter. "What?"

"No," Wufei answered himself.

"Hey!" he snapped. "Yes, I have, dammit." Once, on a failed mission to get a certain someone out of his head. "Why the hell...?" He was very glad Wufei couldn't see anything, either – he'd be mortified if his blush could be seen at that moment.

"Hm. I haven't had sex since... Treize died."

A euphemism. Wufei wasn't a fan of them – it showed just how much pain losing Treize cause him. "Hn."

Silence. Then, "hm."

Heero closed his eyes, knowing what Wufei was trying to say. Heero hadn't been able to gain release with another person – ever. Not even that other person he'd had sex with... it had been an interesting little disaster, though he and the other person had been determined enough that he'd been able to stay hard for their benefit. But...

He didn't have to close his eyes to see Duo. Not in this darkness. It was easy to see whatever he wanted, to believe whatever he made himself see. For Wufei, too. And with his blood loss and the complete silence around him...

Every minute that passed sent him closer to death.

"I understand," he breathed.

Still, he had to close his eyes, had to let his desires take control over his reason, to be able to turn and roll on top of his partner.

* * *

* * *

Heero had left.

Heero had left and Wufei had gotten up and done something, I still had no idea what, and then he came back to me and I still hadn't moved.

I couldn't speak, shocked. Wufei and Heero had skipped over a couple of things, glossing over the trip through the tunnels and the long, long wait, and it was not explained to me what all Heero had been thinking (mostly because the man had been silent as a tomb during the storytelling), but I got the gist of it. They'd been on a mission, they'd thought they would die, and they'd had sex. Which had never been repeated or spoken of to anyone other than Quatre, Trowa, and now me.

"Duo?"

Okay, I must be scaring Wufei, because he's calling out my first name. I had to say something or he might do something weird, like get really worried or something. "You liked Treize?" Oh no, not just liked. Wufei had admitted to having had __sex__ with Treize. It took more than like for __that__ to happen.

Wufei snorted. "Good Lord, you're still on that?" Wufei sat back down in the chair Heero had brought out for him quite a while ago. "Yes, Maxwell. I loved Treize."

He said it with such calmness it disturbed me. Wufei talking about love, and connected to Treize. "O-Oh."

"Maxwell," Wufei huffed, "the point of telling you that story was for you to understand how far my relationship with Yuy had gone. As I said, we got picked up a couple of hours later – thankfully we'd hardly undressed, and we'd thought to get suitable afterwards in case an enemy showed up – and after that we agreed that it had been a mistake, something we wouldn't let get in the way of our relationship with each other or you and the others. We remained partners, and we're damn good together. That's it."

They had sex together and they called it a mistake? "Huh?" They weren't a couple but more like an extreme case of a one-night stand?

"For us, it was a catharsis of sorts, not to mention a better way to spend one's last moments." Wufei stood. "It wasn't the most honorable moment of my life, but it can't be taken back now. Dammit, we had been..."

Lonely. Desperate. Hurting. "I understand," I murmured, not knowing I'd echoed Heero's words from that night.

Wufei turned to me, surprised. I didn't comprehend the look. When he turned away again, he spoke. "That's what he said." It was so soft I barely heard it. Then, louder, "I'll go speak to Yuy. You – stay on that damn sofa."

I watched him go and grimaced. I, too, had a lot to think about. For one: Heero wasn't taken.

I'd suffered so much pain for so long, thinking that Heero and Wufei were already... that they spoke for one another. It was hard for me to imagine, for me to put myself in their place, alone in the darkness with only death and each other as company. If I had to choose, which would I move toward – my partner, or death? It was shockingly hard for me to decide. Still, for them, living had become important.

So they'd had sex one time while in the heat of a hell-on mission. That was as far as their sexual relationship went. Which of course meant that I'd dredged up painful memories for them, then compounded on the memories by making them much more than they actually were. I'd hurt them by not understanding the truth.

Then again, a part of me pointed out, they'd hurt me by hiding the truth.

In the end, though, it was all the same. We'd hurt each other, and Heero wasn't taken. It was... it was strange, to have that weight lifted. It didn't mean too much – but then again, it meant everything. I'd sworn I'd never tell Heero, but that was because I didn't want to throw my love in his face while he was so very happy with Wufei. But apparently...

Apparently things weren't so black and white.

I wanted to hope. I wanted to kill that hope. I wanted to try. I was terrified to. What was I going to do? What the hell was I going to do? What __could__ I do? Tell Heero and wait to see how he reacts? But right now, in this situation...

If Heero knew, would he kick me out? That might be... good. Then again, Heero had become a pretty damn nice person. What if he had me stay nonetheless? Then not only would there be danger, but there would be a disturbing awkwardness between us. That would... suck.

I was thrilled with having Heero's friendship again, especially as it showed me so much more about the man. And I'd told myself I would be content with that forever.

But that was for Heero and Wufei! What if someone else came, someone I didn't know – someone I may not even __like__ – and Heero got into a relationship with __him__?

Wait – wait. I gasped. Heero may not have a relationship with Wufei, but he was most certainly gay. Or at least bi.

Oh my god. Heero was available and he was attracted to men.

I rubbed my chest. Dare I try? But when? How? Would Heero like me back? Gods, I felt like a schoolgirl, giddy and nervous and terrified and excited. Should I try? Should I? What would happen? Well, I would never know unless I tried. And when things fell apart... well, there was always my cold, dark mistress waiting for me to return to her in my Wing.

I gently touched my stomach. It was true, though, that I shouldn't try to overdue it. I couldn't help anyone if I was unconscious, either. Then again, as I was, I wouldn't be able to help anyone, anyway. I had to get stronger. But how? How, when there was no time left?

I wouldn't let them get hurt. I __couldn't__ let them get hurt. Not any of them. I cared for them all too much.

But if I left, would I be leaving them with the bastard, or would he chase after me? Worse, would Heero cry, or would __he__ chase after me, as well? I didn't know what to do!

I heard a noise over where Heero and Wufei had retreated. My mind immediately recognized the sound of a door opening. It was strange to know that nothing illicit had taken place in there.

Heero's eyes didn't meet mine as he entered. Wufei's, while Heero's were centered on the floor, sent a hard stare in Heero's direction. Then, with an exasperated sigh, he turned to me. "Maxwell..." He hesitated. "Is there anything you want to ask us?"

I thought I saw Heero flinch.

I waved my hands in the air wildly, my mind sinking immediately down to the gutter. "No, no, that's quite all right. I'm fine."

"Don't move your arm," Heero whispered.

I blinked, placing it down again. "Uh, Heero, you okay, man? You don't look too good."

He looked both pale and flushed at the same time. "I'm fine."

"You look like shit," I told him bluntly. "You know... it's... uh... it's good to know... uh, not..." Okay, how could Wufei talk about this so calmly? Talk about embarrassing. "Yeah, uh... there's no reason to worry about me. It's not... I mean, in your place... I don't know what I would've done." I wouldn't have had a partner with me. The only companion I would have had was death. And I probably would have accepted whatever invitation he offered. "So, uh, it's no big deal."

By now I was probably blushing at least as much as Heero.

Wufei let out an inarticulate growl. "For God's sake, the two of you are helpless. Yuy, we fucked. It's no big deal; I'm fairly certain people do it all the time. Maxwell isn't holding it against you, so let it go. And Maxwell, for crying out loud, we're talking about sex. Stop stammering like a kid."

"But," I argued feebly, "it's sex between my two best friends! Of course it's gonna be..." I faded off mid-sentence at the looks both were giving me. "What?"

Wufei's face split into a grin a mere millisecond before Heero's did. "Maxwell," Wufei said, and happiness leaked through that sardonic tone, "that's the first time you called us that."

My own eyes widened in understanding. I'd said something I hadn't let myself say – I'd called them my friends. Not just friends, but __best__ friends. I really was turning into a schoolgirl. "U-Uh, yeah." I lifted my chin. "So what?"

Those grins didn't abate in the least. If anything, they got even wider. "So we've been waiting a very long time to hear it."

"Thank you," Heero added. At least now he was looking at me and not the floor.

I shrugged, but that earned me a mini-glare. "Oops," I muttered. Wufei laughed.

"Well," he said, "since I'm here, why don't I join you for dinner?"

It was an unspoken rule that other ex-Gundam pilots were welcome at any time. If they showed up during mealtime, they got free food. That was just how it was.

Heero rolled his eyes. "Duo, don't move that arm," he reminded me again. The two retreated to the kitchen. I could hear conversation passing back and forth, but this time I knew with certainty that it wasn't about any sort of relationship-type stuff. Weird.

I closed my eyes and let myself rest for a short moment. They weren't a couple. I just had to keep telling myself that; it was so unbelievable. I had thought for sure...

Well, what else was I supposed to think? It was blatantly obvious that they'd had a relationship. How was I to have known that it wasn't nearly as deep as I had thought? It's not like they'd rushed to explain.

"Shit!"

A clang and crash. Broken glass scattered, tinkled on the tiled kitchen floor.

I sat up, crying out softly in pain. The voice had been Wufei's. Wufei never rose his voice. Nor did he make a habit out of swearing. "Wufei?!"

"Stay in there!" Heero snapped. This time I heard what I'd missed before: a sharp whistling sound, almost impossible to hear – a small thunk. A dart? A needle? How was it getting into the room?

"Heero!" I stood without thinking much about it. The pain rocketing up and down my body was dulled by the pour of adrenaline that was hitting my system.

"Stay in there!" Heero shouted again, his voice more forceful than the last time. That meant he was okay, at least. But what about Wufei? He hadn't spoken since that initial-

"Son of a bitch!"

Okay, so maybe he was all right, too.

I ignored Heero's orders, knowing that whoever was targeting them was actually after me. I struggled to the doorframe, leaned against the wall and slipped a quick look into the room.

A needle shot toward my face.

"Shit!" I yelped, echoing Wufei's outburst, and hid behind the wall. The needle shot forward, through the room and out the front window. "Shit, Heero, your house!"

"Fuck the house! __Stay in that room__!"

Needles. They reminded me of someone – a case I'd had about two years ago, a guy I'd thought was dead.

"Greaves!" I shouted suddenly, turning again toward the kitchen. "Greaves, you want me, not them!"

Things stopped breaking, and everything turned quiet. Either I was on-target or our perp was setting up for a bigger attack.

"Greaves!" I called again. I didn't understand; this wasn't Greaves' MO at all. "You want to get innocents involved? You never did this before. You never went after those who weren't on your hit list, so why now? Answer me, Greaves!"

I was taking a huge gamble. If this wasn't Greaves, I was pissing off the guy even more. But the needle had looked suspiciously like the needles I'd had thrown at me during that operation.

Could it be so simple? No, Greaves wouldn't throw those needles at me unless he wanted me to know it was him. He __wanted__ me to know he was after me. One warning. This was the second. But that wasn't Greaves' style. Had he truly changed so much?

Silence surrounded the house. Greaves wasn't going to answer. He'd never stayed silent before, either. No. Greaves had always spoken to me, even when...

"Greaves, what's your assignment?" I couldn't imagine the man coming after me for a personal vendetta. After all... after all, he was a bounty hunter, too. Just like me. "Who are you working for, Greaves? At least give me that."

I got a tingling sensation up and down my arms. I recognized the shiver instinctively. Without a thought, I ducked down to the ground.

With a small thunk, a needle embedded itself in Heero's wall. I stared at it, uncomprehending. Yes, they were the exact same needle. I knew it. I could tell. But why the hell was Greaves aiming for me without explaining himself? Was I really just another hit to him?

"Duo!" Heero raced into the living room and ducked down to my side. I vaguely noticed that I was clutching my stomach.

"Stay down and move away," I instructed. "If this is Greaves, he'll find a way to get to us from down here. He's like a fucking monkey."

Heero ignored me and helped me up. I winced; he'd needed to put a strain on my healing torso. "Come on," he said gently. "Tell us what you know."

I saw Wufei, his gun drawn, enter from the kitchen. "Status?" he questioned.

"I'm fine. Duo's not in danger, but he's out of his wheelchair."

"Good thing, too, or else I'd be helpless," I snapped. Neither said anything to that. "Look, I can take care of this. Greaves is a hunter like me, though he fancies himself more a hitman."

"An assassin?" Wufei hissed.

"Of sorts," I answered. "He doesn't work for one specific group, and he only chooses the kills he thinks are honorable. I don't understand why he's after me. It has to have something to do with his latest mission – but I could've sworn I'd seen him die..."

Heero set me on the floor in the hallway. No windows. We had some time. "Who is he?"

"Greaves – just Greaves." I sighed. "I looked into his past, but all I'd found was that the man had grown up an orphan on the streets, same as me. L3 instead of L2. He, uh, he probably learned about hunters from there, since Trowa's from that colony, as well." I glossed over how I knew that Trowa had been a mercenary. "He told me once that he'd been in the business for over twenty years, that he'd started just after he'd learned to tie his shoes. He's good, though, I can tell you that."

Heero crouched low beside me, balancing on the balls of his feet. "You spoke. So you worked together?"

Wufei crouched as well, keeping an eye on the living room and the window barely visible from the entrance to the hall. "No. No, we didn't. We crossed paths once, though. On a case."

"You fought him?" Wufei ventured.

"In a way. We played tag, I guess. A dangerous version of it, at any rate. We were both trying to buy time."

"Buy time?" Heero echoed. His eyes were searching my face.

I gestured with my uninjured hand, then immediately returned it to my throbbing midsection. "Yeah. I was waiting for the Preventors, and he was waiting for his boss to escape. I'd managed to bust an engine, so they needed to fix it. Greaves and I were basically stalling. I didn't have a reason to kill him; he wasn't a bad guy. He had no reason to kill me; I was just stalling. As long as I didn't make a move to kill him or return to the ship, he wasn't going to seriously attack me."

"So why is he coming after you now?" Wufei asked.

"It __has__ to have something to do with his newest mission. But..."

Heero turned away from me, scouting the hallway. There were a few doors – two bedrooms, one bathroom. All of the doors were closed, but that didn't mean someone couldn't be there, waiting. Calculating where we were based on our voices. "But what, Duo?" Heero asked softly. He'd come to the same conclusion I had.

"But something had gone wrong. They'd been too hasty with that damn engine. It... it had blown up."

Heero's eyes froze for a moment before turning to me. "How far from him were you?"

Heero knew – that was how Greaves had died. Or at least... that's what I'd thought. If he'd lived, it had been a miracle. "I was a row away, about ten feet. A crate of weaponry saved me, actually. I didn't take too much damage – a few burns, nothing big. Most of the scars have faded by now."

Heero looked like he wanted to rip off my clothes and see that for himself. "But he didn't have such protection."

"No," I answered, even though I knew he hadn't been asking a question. "He was right there in front of the hangar, completely unguarded. Your guys showed up about fifteen minutes later, I would guess. I'd been out for a bit, but... yeah, Une said fifteen minutes. I remember 'cause I gave her a hard time about it."

Wufei snorted. "You gave __Une__ a hard time?"

I grinned. "Yup."

He just sighed and shook his head. "Things look clear here, Heero."

Heero made a noncommittal sound. "I still want to make a full search around the house. Duo, you stay here."

"Oh, yeah, good idea. You two slip off alone to chart around while I sit here totally helpless-" That part burned "-and wait for him to circle around and get me."

Heero hesitated. "Fine. Call Une."

"On it," Wufei said, pulling out his cell phone. "How many?"

"I don't give a damn," Heero snapped. "A lot."

"Four," Wufei said primly and turned away from us. "Une? This is Chang."

"Heero," I hissed, turning to him. "This isn't Greaves' MO. He doesn't send out warnings, he doesn't attack civilians, and he sure as hell doesn't leave someone alive if he catches them by surprise."

"Duo, you __said__ ," Heero argued.

"No, I said __if__ this is Greaves."

"Then why the hell-"

"Heero, the needles are the same."

Heero rolled his eyes. "The same type of weapon isn't that surprising-"

"It is when the needles are hand-made," I retorted. Heero paused at that. "Greaves' needles were one-of-a-kind, Heero. He melted them down himself. No one else knows how to make those damn needles. But things are different. Greaves never worked like this. He wouldn't have attacked you two to begin with... and when he __had__ , he wouldn't have missed."

"Are you telling me...?"

"I don't know," I answered, frustrated. I looked around. Wufei was still talking, his voice a bit too easy for someone who'd just been in a dangerous situation. But it was normal for us. "I don't know," I said again. "It's just not like him. He hadn't even gone after me when I'd destroyed that engine. He wouldn't have gone after you two just because you're holing me up. It's not like him. I read his mission reports, you know? No civilians had __ever__ been killed. He'd chosen to fail missions before letting that happen."

"...Hn."

Wufei snapped his cell phone closed. "They'll be here in fifteen."

"No rush," I muttered, then leaned my head back. Damn, my side hurt. "Well, at least we have a starting point now." I stopped, realizing what I'd said. __We.__ I'd included them. That was dangerous. If Greaves had changed somehow... if he really was willing to kill anyone in his way...

But how had he missed Wufei? Had he fired a warning shot, hoping to make them leave? If that was the case... but no, Greaves still wouldn't have continued firing on them. Unless... unless he'd never had any intention of hitting them. "Damn," I breathed.

"What?" Heero asked.

"How close were the shots to you?" I asked, turning to them. For me, the shots came damn close. But then again, I was his target.

Heero's eyes hardened. "Not too close," he said, as if beginning to understand, as well. "Enough for us to not get hit, even if we tried to dodge incorrectly."

"Damn," I said again, "it __does__ fit."

"How so?" Wufei asked. His gaze shifted momentarily to me.

Hunched on the ground as I was, I was going to quickly gain a new set of raw areas. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it was the safest. We were taking no chances while we waited. "A warning. Because we hadn't been enemies before."

Wufei's head tilted to the side. Even with his back to me, I knew what he was asking. "Yes, he does that. If he perceives the enemy as someone he doesn't wish to kill, someone who is also honorable, he'll send a warning, maybe two. But he'll always take them out eventually. Dammit, I should've seen it."

"So we have no more chances," Heero said grimly.

"But at least he won't be after you," I said. I felt the relief flow through me, warming me up. Then again, I was already hot enough with fire burning from my injuries.

"Duo," Heero snapped, "is that really your prime concern?"

His voice made it seem as if I was being stupid. I lolled my head to the side and gave him a sardonic look. "Of course. The well-being of those important to me. Isn't that __your__ prime concern?"

Heero's mouth moved, but nothing came out.

"Maxwell," Wufei breathed. "Two in one day? Stop, you're going to give us heart failure."

I glared at Wufei's back, but it didn't stop the blush from staining my cheeks. "Yeah, well," I muttered, "shut up."

Wufei barked out a surprised laugh. "Just sit tight, Maxwell. They'll be here shortly."

"Yeah, yeah." Like I could move with my stomach in so much pain. "I'll figure out what to do after the place is searched."

Wufei tsked. "Maxwell, I said stop the warm fuzzies, not pull away from us entirely."

"Huh?" I said brightly.

This time it was Heero who spoke, his eyes back on me and a smile tugging at his lips. "Duo, __we'll__ figure out what to do once the place is searched."

I thought about it. "Oh." I shrugged. "Okay." I caught sight of Heero's glare and groaned. "Sor- _ _ry__!"

* * *

* * *

I was stuck on the bed while Heero and Wufei and three other Preventors officers scoured around looking for Greaves, who by now was long gone. I, of course, had been stuck with the most butt-ugly, irritating one out of the group. My luck, always god-awful, was holding up quite well under all the strain.

"So," I tried again, "you're how high up in the Preventors?"

"Not as high up as Yuy," the man grunted, looking around the bedroom. It was definitely disconcerting to be lying down in bed, sheets and cover firmly over me, with __this__ man standing over me. Even worse... this was Heero's bedroom.

I had blushed so badly when Heero had put me in here.

" _ _We'll be back soon. Until then, Duo, your job is to rest up." Heero pulled up the sheets and tucked them around my chin. The covers came up next.__

" _ _Uh-huh," I mumbled, unable to look him in the eye. Heero's scent was everywhere – on the pillow, on the comforter, on the sheet, and of course it was coming off of the man himself in waves. God he smelled good.__

" _ _Duo, I mean it. And don't worry; when we get back, we'll form a plan. Now rest."__

__I couldn't make my mumble sound like anything other than an embarrassed warble. Did he have to lean over me like that to tuck me in? His chest was right in front of my face, and all I could see were the muscles rippling underneath his shirt. Oh my god._ _

" _ _I'll be back soon."__

__I could only hum something, squeezing my eyes shut. A part of me wondered if Heero would kiss me on the forehead or something. But of course that only happened with couples – and only in the movies._ _

__I felt Heero retreat back to his side of the bed, no longer weighing himself over me to wrap me in a cocoon. He hesitated there for a moment. "Take care," he whispered finally. I could swear I felt the breath from his mouth stir the air around me._ _

__And then he left._ _

So here I was in his bed looking at one of the most difficult people I've had to deal with in __years__ and I hadn't heard back from either Heero or Wufei. Fantastic.

"So how high is 'not as high as Yuy'?" I asked, practically begging the man for conversation. I didn't like the way his eyes would flicker to me every once in a while.

"You know they don't rank that place with normal police rankings?"

Uh-oh. According to that guy's sudden change in tone, this topic might not have been the best. And his eyes were flickering toward me more. The vulnerable feeling I had tripled. If this guy was going to try something, I would have no choice but to cold-cock him. And then I'd be in even more pain. "Uh, yeah, I do know."

"They got rankings like... like..." He threw his hand through the air. I could see that he was only about a decade older than Heero or me, but... with his mustache – pencil-thin and sparse – and that hair of his in a business-like gel, he looked to be in his mid-thirties. And more like a distinguished Sherlock Holmes. I noticed that his perfect hair was coming loose with his movements and felt my gut tense. "I don't even know how to explain it. Rank E, then D, then C, B, A... and then that stupid fucking 'S' ranking. What the hell?"

"Yeah," I said calmly, "I always thought that was weird."

The guy had gray eyes. I hated gray eyes. I could see his face contort just a bit. His eyes were no longer flickering.

"Look at this place!" The man threw his arm again, apparently to indicate the bedroom. I was well aware that Heero's house was damn nice – and pretty damn big. But Heero had earned it. I felt anger begin bubbling under my skin. "That kid got an S rank just because he was one of them Gundam pilots-"

"Watch it, buddy," I warned. "You're talking to a partner of his."

The man's skin seemed to bulge, though I did see him still. Yeah, he stilled – a bit too much. "You're a Gundam brat, too?" He seemed to appraise me and find me lacking.

"Yeah. I am."

He stepped forward. Yeah – definitely trying to intimidate. "So what?"

I gave him my best Shinigami smile. "So shut up about my friend. I may be half-dead, but I can still kick your sorry ass, no matter your ranking." A vein popped, because his face suddenly turned into a tomato. "You know why we're 'S' rank, buddy? Because we were strong enough to take everyone else on and __win__. Got it?"

Ooh, he was steamed. His breath was short. His arms were shaking. Not his hands, his __arms__. "You stupid little-"

The bedroom door swung open. "Duo."

I turned at the sound of Heero's voice. Heero immediately paused and looked around, taking in the information. His eyes – I saw them; I could __watch__ them work – slitted to icy pinpricks as they turned on Mr. Mustache. "What the hell is going on here, Agent Krawley?"

Holy shit, it was the dead-freeze tone of a pissed-off Perfect Soldier. Krawley tripped over his own tongue. "Well, w-well, uh, n-nothing, sir."

Those dark Prussian eyes never looked away from the man. Krawley fidgeted.

With a sigh, I let him off the hook. "Heero, what did you come in for?"

For another small moment those eyes pierced into Krawley's soul, but then Heero turned them to me and let them soften into nothing more than a business-like look. "He's gone. Apart from the 'needles' and the property damage, there's no sign he was ever here."

I winced at the term 'property damage.' "Sorry about your house, Heero."

Heero shrugged it off with a careless lift of his shoulder. "I don't care about the loss. It can be repaired." Krawley seemed to take that news poorly. I saw him grit his teeth hard enough to crack them. I wondered if he had kids to feed, and if those kids were particularly eager for him to come home. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

Heero gave me a look that told me he didn't think I'd managed much rest in the time while he was away. I tilted him a half-smile. With a shake of his head, Heero dismissed Krawley and walked toward the bed. I couldn't help but feel my nerves twist up. I was, after all, lying in his bed while he sauntered up. But all Heero did was sit down on the edge. "How do you feel?"

His voice was soft and warm. I knew now that he wasn't with Wufei, that it hadn't been anything romantic or long-lasting. But still, my desire to try was tempered by so many things – the timing, the chance of rejection. I thought about it, seriously thought about it for a moment. If I tried, something might happen. Greaves wouldn't go after Heero, I knew that, but Heero might do... something. So it all depended on Heero's reaction. Which was my one greatest fear – if I was rejected, what would I do?

"Duo?"

I jerked myself out of my own thoughts. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, really. Just... you know, the usual burning sensations."

Heero sighed. "In other words, you're in severe pain."

"Not severe," I argued. "Just enough that I can't really move comfortably."

"Sounds severe to me." The tone was too kind to be sarcastic. More like teasing.

"Heero. You may not have noticed this, but I haven't been able to move comfortably since our little interaction with Harlow."

Heero's eyes clouded for a moment, but he still smiled when he nodded. "I know." He turned around and stared at the door. "And just what had been going on with him?"

"Oh, that bastard." I carefully shrugged with only my good shoulder. "Yeah, well, it turns out he doesn't hold you – or other Gundam pilots, for that matter – in high regard."

"He insulted me?" Something in Heero's tone warned me before he even turned to look back at me. Somehow the wide, somewhat obnoxious grin wasn't a surprise. "And you...?"

I blushed. "Fine, yeah, I got your back."

"Duo, you are just full of... what did Chang call it? Warm fuzzies. You are full of warm fuzzies today."

I glared at him, but apparently one look at my tomato-red, distempered face was enough to make Heero Yuy burst out laughing. I think I managed to maintain my glare for another two seconds. "He dissed you," I muttered petulantly.

Heero's mirth died down to chuckles. He managed to get out a short, "thank you," before needing to focus on shutting up.

"So what now?" I asked him, not waiting for him to get his breath back. Laugh at me, will you.

Heero had to clear his throat, but it didn't clean the grin plastered all over his damn face. "We'll wait for Wufei. He should be back soon."

I nodded. "Greaves really won't take you guys out... not unless you get in the direct way of his mission."

"Well, if his mission is to kill you, then you're damn right we won't let him get his way."

I winced. I'd been afraid of that. "Heero, I don't want you and Wufei taking this guy on. Especially since I can't do anything. I'll be more useless than... than Relena!"

Heero cocked an eyebrow.

"Well," I said defensively, "you have to admit that she'd be absolutely useless on the battlefield."

Heero's lips twitched. "Be that as it may, she's __very__ good at keeping the peace."

I wasn't fond of her, dammit. Admitting she was good at something hurt me physically. Then again, wasn't she one of the two who managed to bring Heero out of his shell? Not, I was painfully reminded, me. "Yeah, I know," I grumbled.

Heero was silent for a moment, contemplating my response. Those eyes were delving into my soul again. They had a bad habit of doing that. "You know, you never seemed to like her much."

How to explain? "Yeah, well, she was a pain throughout... hell, isn't she still? I heard she was kidnapped just over a year ago." And, hello? Was I the only one to see Harlow's gun against her head?

Heero's lips twitched again. "Yes. Wufei and I were the ones to retrieve her, actually."

I groaned out loud. "Please God tell me that she didn't glomp you."

"Glomp me?" Heero echoed.

Wufei's chuckle slid through the room just as the door twisted open. "Maxwell," he gasped mockingly, "how did you know?"

I groaned again.

"Glomp?" Heero turned to his partner for an answer.

"Jumped into your arms and hugged you," Wufei explained. He turned to me. "But they're just friends now. Heero's informed her of that."

I lifted a brow, turning to Wufei. He was the one most likely to explain things. "Just friends?"

"She wanted more," he clarified.

Heero's face fell into his hand. "Chang," he warned.

Wufei just shrugged. "Well, it's true. Heero had to kindly inform Her Highness that he wasn't interested, nor would – or could – he ever be."

I think Heero and I blushed at the same time. I turned my face to concentrate on the comforter – a nice geometric pattern of primary colors, greens and purples. It suited him somehow. Amidst the pattern, though, was a loose thread. I picked at it. "So, uh, the plan?"

Wufei didn't manage to fully swallow back his chuckle in time. "Yes. Heero, any suggestions?"

I didn't look up to be sure, but I still knew without a doubt that Wufei was smirking. "Um..." Heero cleared his throat again. "Yes. We can't stay here and just wait. He knows the perimeter already."

"Not to mention the property damage," I croaked out. So Heero was definitely gay, one hundred percent gay. That was... illuminating.

Heero sighed. "That's not exactly the most important aspect of all this."

For one horrifying split second, I thought I'd spoken out loud again. But then I remembered my earlier comment and realized he was talking about that. Thank God. I managed to give him a quick look.

This time his sigh was accompanied by a hand snaking through his hair. "Fine, fine. Expenses aside, though, we need to inform Trowa of the situation."

I winced.

"Sorry, Duo, but it can't be helped." Heero's eyes showed sincere apology.

"No, no, it's fine. You need to protect Quatre." I hesitated. "And Trowa, of course."

Wufei hummed an affirmative. "After they're informed, they can be ready. I doubt they'll be targeted, though, if what you're saying holds up."

I couldn't help but agree. Quatre and Trowa weren't the targets. Neither were Heero or Wufei. I looked at them, at their determined faces. They were ready to throw themselves into an impossible situation in order to make things easier on me, to try to save me from Greaves.

I couldn't, absolutely couldn't, let them get hurt.

"So we have them taken care of," I spoke aloud. "It's getting dark – an opportune time for him to return."

"He'll come back that quickly?" Suddenly Heero's attention was sharper.

"If he believes we've become lax, then yes. But he knows I know his secrets. He'll be more careful than usual. He's sent out the warning to me and the one to you. The only thing he's waiting for is the right moment." Not quite true. He was waiting for me to make my inevitable decision and await the time. He had respect for me – that meant he was waiting for a fair fight.

"We won't let him have it," Heero said coldly.

I nodded. Yes, that was the very problem. "As soon as he understands that, he'll target you, as well."

"We'll be ready, Maxwell. Don't worry about us."

A stupid thing for Wufei to ask. He had to know – my worry for him and Heero and Quatre and even Trowa had never abated. I didn't bother to reply – he knew very well that I wouldn't agree with his words. Instead I continued on. "Once he's started targeting all three of us, we'll gain an edge. He'll be divided. He works on quick and silent kills. Usually a needle to the neck, maybe two."

"Efficient," Wufei murmured.

"But once he's trying to get three people, he'll need to either be damn fast or damn patient," Heero finished for me. "Because killing three people when they're in the same room together would be difficult at best."

"That's right. But I've seen him take down five at once – _bam bam bam bam bam_. Just like that. So at least one of us would need to be in a position where it would be hard for him to take us out."

Wufei nodded. "Still there, but not a quick and easy kill."

"Exactly." I nodded. "He'll be waiting for a perfect moment to strike."

"All right, then. Back to watches." Wufei sighed. "I'll take the first one."

Heero nodded. "We shouldn't leave someone alone in a room."

I looked around. "Well, this one's as good as any. If we keep the shutters drawn and the lights off, he should be thwarted for at least a short while. He doesn't like too much technology. At least not from everything I've looked up about him."

"All right." Heero stood, moving to the window without fear. I watched him carefully. "Duo, you need to get some rest. I want you to take the bed. I'll have the floor."

I put up a token protest, but I needed him on the floor. I nodded finally and huffed. "Fine."

* * *

Three hours later, my watch came up. I was armed with a gun by Wufei and stood from the bed. I leaned against the wall for a few minutes, giving Wufei time for fall asleep. Then I grabbed up the notepad by Heero's bed, carefully clicking the pen's point out. With a quick sweep of my hand, my message was left plain on the paper, black as my own sins.

I placed them silently back down on the nightstand and moved to the door. I had to pause, had to turn around. Heero's face was calm in sleep, his mouth neither frowning or smiling. He laid on his back, waiting for a noise to wake him up. But he was listening for the wrong noises.

I made myself turn away, made myself open the door and leave, closing it carefully behind me. It was simple from there to slip out of the house. Greaves was there before me, his hair dark as the night, his eyes a golden brown. His nose, tilted at a slight angle due to a break earlier in life, threw shadows on his face. But I could still see the scars that traced down what had once been a stunningly beautiful frame.

"Strike," he murmured.

"Greaves," I greeted.

"Come with me." He turned away, letting me follow behind him. He knew I wouldn't shoot him in the back. Because I was honorable, and so was he.

I didn't let myself look back. I'd made a promise. There was no reason for me to mourn. No reason for me to linger.

When Heero woke up for his shift, he would find me gone. Eventually – maybe immediately – he would see my message. I hoped he would understand.

He'd made us all a promise that last instant before he shot the Libra. __"I will not die!"__

In return, I gave Heero my own little promise:

_I will return._

* * *

* * *

"Greaves. How did you survive?"

He didn't turn to look at me as we continued down the sidewalk. We'd turned in early – around eight o'clock after all the police work stuff had been completed. It wasn't even midnight. There was a car making its way to a home nearby, but otherwise the place was quiet. Heero had picked a good neighborhood.

"I was found by... some people," he told me. "They were willing to patch me up."

"For a price," I guessed.

"Of course. When does a gift come for free?"

I winced. He and I may be honorable, but we understood the darker parts of human nature. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd survived. If I had..."

"If you had, you would have saved me. I understand that. I never doubted your honor, Strike."

I nodded. Of course he hadn't. If he had, we wouldn't be calmly walking toward our battlefield.

"May I ask why?" The block we were following ended on a T. Greaves led me to the right, past a house with one light still on. I wondered idly who was still awake while everyone else had turned in.

"They are a very large organization, Strike. One that felt an extreme power shift when you took down their leader a few months ago."

I winced. "Which one?"

"Caribol."

I nodded. "He needed to go down, Greaves."

"I am not arguing for the man, just for my... employers, shall we call them? In any case, they need you gone. You are the last one. Once I kill you, I am a free man again."

"Did they promise you that?"

"Yes. And if they don't do as they promised, I will be gone, anyway. I won't be returning to them again."

"Okay." I could understand that. "I'm sorry about all this, man, but I can't hold back."

"You have others now." We turned left this time. I could recognize now where he was taking me. Nearby was a park, a pretty one only slightly tainted by humans. And on two sides of that park spread a wilderness a few miles deep. At midnight, you could bet the place would be well deserted. Except for the occasional druggie and drinker, but maybe this experience would send them a message.

"Yeah," I replied. "I do."

"How did that happen?"

I shrugged. He couldn't know that this walk alone was taking its toll on me. My return would be on my hands and knees. "Long story short, I guess I never really lost them to begin with."

"I am sorry, then, that I must take you from them."

"Sorry, pal, but I don't intend to let you."

One last turn, and the park was right ahead of us, waiting. "Of course you don't," he murmured. "Are you prepared?"

"No, I just decided to walk out of the house completely unarmed. It was a shock to find you there waiting, I must say." I pulled out Wufei's gun and checked it. Of course it was in pristine condition – it was Wufei's.

"Still with that humor of yours."

"Still Mr. Stoic," I murmured. I had listened to him speak that day and couldn't help but think that the man seemed to be a bastard mix of Heero and Wufei.

A wrought iron gate stood between us and the park. I looked at it with trepidation. Walking was difficult enough. The fight would kill me. If I had to climb that fucking gate, I was toast.

"I understand your circumstances, Strike." Greaves took out a needle from God only knows where and struck it down on the lock around the gate. "I want you in as good a shape as you can be."

Damn. He knew. He wouldn't take advantage, but he knew. I let myself hold my stomach for the first time since I'd stood in Heero's bedroom. "Thanks," I managed.

He said nothing more, but led me inside. It was a short, silent walk to the East woods, much closer than the woods to the North. I followed him, still watching that lean frame of his. "The scars... they couldn't fix those?" I said once we breached the first row of trees.

"More like they didn't want to," he answered. "Getting rid of my burns wouldn't make me a better fighter."

"Whoa, wait a minute." I paused. "They enhanced you?"

"Sorry, Strike." His voice was quiet now. "I can't remember fully how I moved before the enhancements. I won't be able to even that playing field."

I shrugged nonchalantly, but it was kind of ruined when I winced. "Eh, no big deal. It'll just be a greater victory when I walk away." More like crawl away.

Greaves chuckled. "Of course."

We continued silently then, entering the grassy scope of forest. It was even darker inside; the trees covered the moon. I could just barely make out the twisting branches reaching for me, the roots buried beneath the leaves. With the pain radiating through me, it was difficult to maintain my balance. And every time I had to, my stomach protested sharply. Yeah. This was gonna be hard.

I breathed a sigh of relief when we finally stopped. The area was thicker than others we'd passed. Deeper. There was a smaller chance of civilian interference, at least.

"Should we wait?" Greaves turned to face me head-on.

I thought of Heero and Wufei and the likelihood of them getting involved. The sooner they woke up, the sooner they would realize that I had skipped out on them. The sooner they realized that, the sooner they put up a search and the sooner they found me. Definitely couldn't let that happen.

"No," I answered. "No. Let's do this now."

Greaves nodded. "I understand." Before I could blink, another needle joined the one still carried in his hand. He held them up until they glittered in a small patch of moonlight. "Shall we get started, then?"

I double-checked my gun one last time, tested the feel of it. "Sure." I aimed it at him. "No hard feelings?"

His smile was grim. "None."

* * *

Something was wrong.

Heero sensed it intuitively, something that not only grabbed his soldier's instincts and shook them but also grabbed his heart, as well.

It was strange, powerful and strange and impossible to ignore. He let his eyes slide open, immediately looking about the room.

He jolted up from his bed as if on auto-pilot.

He moved to Wufei, gently touching his shoulder. It was enough to jolt his partner awake, eyes clear and sharp.

"He's gone," Heero managed, a whisper that almost broke at the end.

Wufei surged to his feet, Heero mere milliseconds behind him. "What?" Wufei hissed. "Where?"

Heero shook his head, pain singing through his chest. Had Duo truly abandoned them? Again? "I don't know."

Wufei strode around the room to search for clues. Heero watched impassively. "He took my gun," Wufei growled. Heero's eyes followed Wufei's form without passion. Duo was gone. Why? They'd agreed...

But Duo had never promised.

Heero hung his head. Of course Duo would leave. Of course he would try to face this all alone, injured and... and without him.

"Heero."

The tone on Wufei's voice made Heero look up. Wufei was turned to him, a small piece of paper in his hand. Heero numbly recognized it as a piece from the notepad kept by the bed. An instant later his eyes snapped. "He left a note?"

"Here." Wufei held it out for Heero to take. Heero felt a frisson of fear climb up his back. What would it say?

Only one way to find out.

He carefully took it from Wufei's outstretched hand. He saw the penmanship, instantly recognizing Duo's unelegant scrawl. It took him no time at all to decipher the handwriting.

I will return.

Heero heard a low moan from somewhere as he crumpled the paper in his hands. Return? He'd promised to return. Fear and hope and worry churned in his gut.

"Heero," Wufei murmured.

"But he's still so injured," Heero moaned, only then realizing that the earlier sound had escaped his own lips.

"We need to find him." Wufei opened Heero's nightstand drawer and pulled out Heero's gun. "And quickly."

Heero creased out the paper he'd crumpled and placed it into his pocket. "Understood." He had another gun, not Preventor-issued. He retrieved that from its hiding place within a secret chamber of his bureau. He picked it up, then on a thought grabbed his cell phone, as well. He hit the number nine, speed-dialing Une.

"Let's go," Wufei said tersely. Heero could do nothing more than nod, the note burning a hole in his pocket. They both strode out, one of Heero's hands on his gun, the other clenching his phone tight enough to break.

* * *

Another desperate dodge.

It was impossible to move gracefully, injured as I was. Impossible to dodge every attack. I was very conspicuously not using my gun – Wufei's gun – in order to save the bullets. I didn't have many chances.

He was faster than before, faster than I could have imagined. Greaves had definitely gained a lot from his almost-death experience.

Then again, I thought, he'd lost many things, as well.

Greaves came at me from the side, fairly flying in his speed. I, a thousand times more clumsy, grabbed my burning torso with my free hand and twisted the gun in my grip to let me catapult off my hand. A once simple move that almost made me black out. I thought back to that pathetic attempt at standing just – what? Earlier that day? – and managed to land steadily on my feet. Greaves was already in front of me again. I had no choice but to accept the hit, my grip on the gun still twisted. I fired a bullet at point-blank range before retreating back into a tree, but I immediately had to dodge once again.

My injured shoulder had taken another hit. My free hand slipped up to it, feeling the fresh blood spew forth. I grimaced, hardly able to take satisfaction in the fact that I'd managed to hit Greaves with my own bullet. It had only grazed one of his legs. That would only slow Greaves down to perhaps a normal person's speed, at most. I still wouldn't be able to dodge that.

"I am sorry, Strike," Greaves murmured.

"Shut it," I said amicably, hoping my voice didn't sound as pained to Greaves as it did to me. "I understand."

I had maybe another couple minutes before my adrenaline rush failed to hide the accumulating pain emanating from my wounds. A couple of minutes. I clenched my hand around the gun and scowled. Fine.

I'd made a promise, goddammit.

"Let's do this," I growled, closing my eyes for a short second. If I couldn't stop the pain, I would turn it to my advantage. And the only way to do it was to allow Shinigami to take over.

When my eyes opened again, they echoed of madness.

I raced forward, letting my free arm drop from my wounded shoulder.

I could win this. I could defeat Greaves, enhanced as he was. I just needed to force events into alignment with my own desires.

Greaves came at me, straight on. I understood the man's drive to be honorable and winced internally. It almost made me falter. But I continued, bringing my free hand out and swiping at the air.

My blood flew into Greaves' eyes.

Greaves dodged, slightly surprised by my move, confused that I would do such a thing. But then his eyes glinted in understanding. I moved to the man's right, rolling, using the indescribable pain to infuriate me and get me to roll back up. I felt the wind shift, knew one of Greaves' little dart-needles was flying toward me. I twirled like a stinking ballerina, aimed a trajectory and fired.

And heard a grunt.

I raced behind a tree, not allowing myself to stop, not letting myself feel the pain yet. Not yet. I still had things to do.

"You've suddenly improved, Strike," Greaves called, his voice a bit labored. I wondered where I'd hit – I'd aimed for the torso, a surefire hit. I could have hit anything from a kidney to a lung. Well, not a lung, since the man was calling to me. "Is this the demon's form I was warned about?"

"Demon, nothin'," I called back, continuing to move. "I'm Shinigami."

Greaves paused for a moment before speaking again. "The God of Death." It was a quiet murmur, but the next wasn't. "Fine, Shinigami. Let us see if a man like me can cheat you."

I laughed. "Man, I don't get you." I flew out from behind my barked shield, gun pointed out. Greaves did the same.

It was quick, very quick. It all happened in a few seconds.

I rolled again, this time catapulting myself up with, of all things, my bad arm. Greaves, shocked by this, hesitated before throwing his little needle. My hand buckled for a split second, agony tearing up my arm and slamming through my head and chest and torso. I lifted my gun as I twisted in the air and shot the needle away, immediately shooting twice more.

Greaves managed to dodge the first bullet, but not the next.

I felt a pain lance through my chest and looked down. Greaves had thrown a second needle, unseen in the blur of my tunnel vision. It went straight into my chest, just missing my heart. I fuzzily thought about trajectory and screamed internally in relief – it hadn't pierced a lung, either.

Both of us crumpled to the ground rather unceremoniously. I didn't know about Greaves, but my adrenaline blazed out, leaving me weak and horrifyingly unable to move. My wounds screamed with every breath. Just twitching my fingers seemed like torture. I bit my lip to bleeding just to bite down a groan. "Yo, Greaves, you alive?"

Silence. Then, "yes."

"Hey, man," I said easily, "can you stand?"

Another silence. I tried to move again and almost shrieked. I didn't try again after that. "Not for a while," the other managed then. "You move strangely. How did you manage...?"

"Yeah," I wheezed, "sorry 'bout that. Comes with the territory. I... was a Gundam pilot, after all."

Greaves made a knowing noise. "Ah."

We laid there in silence for quite a bit, neither of us able to stand and make our next move.

"You know," I said, breaking the eerie silence of the forest. Our fight had scared away all of the wildlife. "We __could__ just call this a draw. You fought me 'n' whatever."

Greaves understood what I was saying. "You don't want to kill me."

"Nah." If I weren't bleeding brokenly on the forest floor, I would have shrugged negligently. "And I don't want you goin' to prison, either."

I idly noticed that my voice had started falling into my old street speak. I scowled. "You can start over, Greaves. Act like you died or something."

Greaves' chuckle was humorless. "Thank you, Strike, but no. I would rather not."

Yup. A bastard mix of those two stubborn assholes. "You know, your honor hasn't been compromised."

"I dueled you when you were practically dead." Greaves' chuckle then actually seemed lighter than before. "Though I must admit to being impressed. Despite everything, when you fight seriously, you are impossible to beat."

"Heero could kick my ass," I said flippantly. Then, "sorry about the blood thing, man."

"It evened the field a bit."

I tried one more time to move, managing to get my good arm underneath me. With a wrench, I drew myself up onto my knees, clutched my injured shoulder and winced. Loudly. "I can't afford to lose anymore, Greaves."

Greaves was silent. "I understand." I shuddered to my feet. Greaves, too, struggled to sit up. I could see Greaves' blood everywhere. I hissed. "Shit, Greaves."

Greaves chuckled. "It suits. It should have happened a while ago."

"Don't be stupid," I snapped. "You aren't dying yet." I stumbled forward, wincing and crying out in pain. My eyes swam, blurring and blanking out completely. I needed to move just a bit more; I needed to help Greaves. I couldn't let the man die. I just... couldn't...

I fell like a stone back to the ground. The pain ripped through me anew. I wished dumbly that one of the drinkers would show up to help. The last thing I wanted was for a family to walk through come morning and find two bloody corpses.

"Shit," I muttered.

I let my eyes close, thinking about... about Heero. Of course Heero would come to mind, an unbidden image permanently ingrained on my psyche. I wished, in that moment, that I'd stupidly blurted out my feelings for the man. I should have... a long time ago... even if it meant death.

I grinned stupidly. At least I knew Heero wasn't the killing-over-stupid-shit kind of person anymore.

"Duo!"

Miracle of miracles, it was Heero. I was just barely aware enough to know I wasn't hallucinating. I felt a solid weight beside me and hissed. It was tiring to always be the one needing help. "Help him," I whispered.

"Duo... he's gone."

I slitted my eyes open in fear, only to end up staring disbelievingly. The bastard had lied about being able to get up. "Cheeky ass," I muttered.

Heero checked me over, hissing at my new wound. "Wufei," he called tersely. He stood, and I heard the distinct sound of a cell phone being flipped open.

I felt a fear pierce me as the darkness grew in my vision. What if I never woke up this time? What if this was the last chance...?

Wufei came over to take Heero's place, looking equally disturbed at my appearance. I stretched out a hand beyond Wufei's frame, trying to bring Heero back. Pain snatched at my movements, making them slow and jerky. "H-Heero..."

"He's calling Une to tell her we need an ambulance," Wufei told me.

I shook my head. "Heero..." A part of me noted my apparent need to black out before said ambulance arrived.

Heero heard me and immediately came to my side, the phone practically forgotten in his hand. Wufei snatched at it, tersely answering a tinny voice on the other end.

I focused my eyes on Heero. His eyes were slightly wild, seeing what I felt – my lifespan might be cut drastically short. "I'm sorry," I murmured.

"Hush." His voice couldn't hide his fear.

Should I really say it and leave him... leave so suddenly afterwards? I grimaced. The need to say it was, in the end, too strong. "I..."

"Duo, don't talk. You can tell me when you wake up."

We both knew the chances of that happening – especially since I'd tested Fate less than a month prior. I shook my head. It made bright spots spark in the darkness of my vision. "Have to," I muttered hoarsely.

"Heero, she's on her way." The cell phone was snapped closed. Wufei leaned down by Heero, assessing me. His eyes flashed the same fear prominent in Heero's eyes. "Maxwell, just hold on."

I grinned. "Too stubborn," I managed. It made Wufei's mouth lift in a smile, but his eyes didn't change. I turned back to Heero. "I wanna wake up," I told him. "Because I swore to return."

Were those tears in Heero's eyes? My vision was too blurry to be sure.

"You're not allowed to die, Maxwell," Wufei growled.

It made me smile. My eyes roamed Heero's face, wanting to memorize it. Just in case. "Heero..."

"Duo," he said, and those were definitely tears in his voice if not on his face. "Hold on."

This seemed a bit too familiar. Why was I always the one dying? Oh yeah. Because I never let it be anyone else's job. What a martyr I turned out to be. "Love you," I murmured softly.

Heero froze.

I closed my eyes, allowing the pain full reign. It swamped me, pulled me under. "Wanted you to know." My words were no more than a breath.

"Duo..."

If Heero's voice had been pained before, it was agonized now. "Didn't tell you... before." My body went numb, only my fingertips and toes tingling slightly. The numbness that came with black-outs like this. "Thought you and... Wufei..."

Heero made a gasping, choking noise. He couldn't seem to speak.

"Sorry..." The word was hardly audible.

"Duo..."

"Gonna pass out now."

"Duo, no!" Heero screamed, grabbing me up, careful of my wounds, "you're not allowed to die, goddammit!"

"Heero..." The tingling in my extremities passed, as did everything else.

"Duo, dammit! Not like this!"

I felt kind of bad, in a vague, unimportant way. The darkness in my head changed subtly, taking on a dark blue hue. It made it easier to accept my defeat.

Shinigami wanted payment for taking his name.

* * *

* * *

"Wufei..."

"Shh, Heero. We've been given __good__ news, remember?"

There was a creaking noise, as if someone needed to adjust themselves in a seat. "I just realized..." A shuddering sigh. "The poem."

Silence. "God."

"It's me. It's me, Wufei."

"Heero..."

"I'm the one who hurt him. It was... it was me."

Another short silence. Then, "Heero Yuy, if you give up, I will kill you."

A low chuckle. "...Understood."

* * *

I was sick and tired of waking up in an empty hospital room.

But as soon as I awoke and had that exact thought, Heero and Wufei both stepped through the open door.

"Duo!"

Both rushed to my side, though Heero was immediately given place by my head. Closest. I wondered if that was deliberate. I could vaguely remember telling him I loved him – the three words I'd once sworn to never utter. But his eyes didn't show hesitation or guilt or remorse or even discomfort. There was worry there, and concern.

"Morning," I whispered, remembering how dry my mouth had been before.

Wufei snorted. "It's afternoon, Maxwell."

I rolled my eyes. "Technicality."

Heero could only smile stupidly. He put his forehead on the bed's metal frame, sighing. I frowned. "Heero?"

He mumbled something unintelligible.

"Huh?"

Wufei scoffed. "Yuy, why don't you try looking at him when you say it?"

I flicked my gaze back and forth at the both of them, utterly confused. "Uh, does this have anything to do with my little confession?"

Wufei smiled warmly back at me. "Yes, thank God. Of course it ended up being you who did it first."

"First?" I echoed.

Heero shot Wufei a glare, but when he turned to me, his entire face was infused with joy. "I..."

I cut him off then, almost wild. "Look, uh, it was in the heat of the moment, 'kay?" I thought I saw hurt on Heero's face, so I hurried on. "Uh, not that I don't care about you guys or anything-"

Wufei sighed. "Maxwell, for the love of God, shut up."

I turned to him, then back to Heero. Those dark blue eyes of his were so sad it made my chest constrict. I winced.

"Does something hurt?" Heero asked, his eyes scanning over my undoubtedly injury-strewn body. I hated how that made me flush.

"Uh... no..."

"Yuy." Wufei nudged his partner. Hard. "Say it, for God's sake. He went first, and you not saying anything is-"

"I know," he snapped, then flicked his gaze back to me. He seemed... embarrassed.

I squeezed my eyes shut. He was going to say something to try to make me feel better without... to try to maintain a friendship while...

"Duo... look at me?"

I winced again. It would only be this last time, and then I could put that ridiculously idiotic action behind me. God, how could I have been so stupid? Opening my eyes was so much harder than it should have been.

But when I did, Heero was giving me a tremulous smile. His hands were gripping the metal frame, however, hard enough for it to break. "Duo," he started, then paused to give a glare to Wufei, who had seemed about ready to speak up again. Then it was back to piercing those eyes into me. "Duo, I... I love you, too."

My heart tripped. I distinctly felt my heart trip. It was probably why I suddenly couldn't breathe.

Of course the moment was ruined, as reality was wont to do – at the sudden skipping of my heart monitor, a nurse rushed into the room.

Heero and Wufei moved away, Heero's eyes remaining on me, and I let the nurse flutter over me, taking blood pressure and temperature and checking my chart. "How long...?" My eyes were glued to Heero's face. He looked more at peace than I'd ever seen him.

"A couple of days," Wufei said easily.

"You're lucky," the nurse chimed in. "With the injuries you already had, your newest could have messed you up permanently. You're very resilient."

I could've told her why, that I'd been trained since infancy to survive in the worst conditions, but I didn't know if that would go over too well. "Thanks," was all I said instead.

She turned to me, her gaze stern. "You can't afford to return for at least another few months. Do you understand?"

I cocked an eyebrow. "Damn. There go my plans for the weekend."

The woman would not allow my jokes to make her smile. "Good." She finished the latest of whatever the hell she was doing and turned away. "I'll call the doctor in."

"Could he..." I hesitated, my eyes slipping back to Heero. I distinctly heard my heart monitor skip again. "Could he wait a moment?"

She raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. "I suppose five minutes won't make or break you." She walked off, her heeled shoes clacking.

Heero came straight back to my side. Wufei just leaned back against the wall, letting the moment continue but apparently unwilling to leave.

My eyes tried to devour Heero's face. "Did..."

Of course fears would swamp me now. Of course I would doubt. Heero smiled. "I love you."

My heart monitor went into overdrive. "I..."

Heero's smile faltered for a short bit. "I understand that believing me will be... hard." His eyes seemed distant for a moment. "But I __will__ prove it to you."

I couldn't fully understand the sudden change. All this time, hadn't he...? "I... don't know what you mean." I thought for a second. "You... like me?"

"Is that what I said?" Heero asked.

I couldn't imagine it. "But... how? Why?"

Heero laughed shortly, his face flushing a bit. It wasn't nervousness or embarrassment. If I had to guess, it was probably because he... he was so happy. "I have no idea how," Heero murmured, "and why would take days to explain. I would actually love to hear that answer from __you__."

Confused and over weighted with what could only be hope, I could only stutter. "I asked you first." Damn that sounded petulant.

Heero laughed. "Where to start?" He carefully traced his fingers down my arm, trapped in a cast. "Your concern for others, I suppose. Your strength." I snorted, but he blatantly ignored it. With a sigh, he dropped his head back down to the bars holding me in. "Everything. Even your stubbornness and recklessness."

I humphed. "Right."

Wufei moved slightly. "Maxwell, I can vouch for Heero's feelings for you. This past month alone I've had to sit listening to him mourn over you and second guess himself."

My eyes flicked between them, flashing to Wufei's serious expression before returning to see a new sort of flush on Heero's cheeks. He glared darkly at his partner.

I blushed, too. "Sorry," I said to Heero.

But Wufei cut in before Heero could formulate any words. "Maxwell, you have no idea how great a favor you have done me." At my confused look, he continued. "Now Heero doesn't have to come to me with his problems. You solved them. I am eternally grateful."

"Thanks for backing me up, partner," Heero growled. His eyes were studiously examining my cast. "I was afraid," he admitted, "after you... after you told me..."

After I'd confessed. "Uh-huh?"

"I thought... I was afraid I'd waited too long. That I wouldn't get the chance to tell you."

"But the doctors said you looked a lot worse than you actually were," Wufei cut in again.

Heero nodded. "They said you would be fine. And I swore that as soon as you woke up, I would tell you. No more doubts. But you just had to wake up when I was in the cafeteria, didn't you?" Heero's mouth quirked, then slid back down. "I never had the strength to say it. Wufei pestered me constantly for being a coward." I could just imagine. "Hell, if he hadn't... told you..."

I almost shrugged before noting how much pain doing such would cause. I settled for quirking my lips up. "It's true." I closed my eyes and let the feeling wash through me. The cuts and scrapes lacerating my heart almost burned at the feel of the salve placed on them. After all this time, could something like this really be happening? Maybe... maybe sometimes...

"Of course it's true, Maxwell," Wufei huffed. "Heero would never use those words so lightly."

Of course not. Of course he wouldn't.

I smiled so broadly it almost split my face. "You..." It seemed too cheesy to say it again, but the words mattered too much not to. I just had to close my eyes, that's all. "Again?"

Wufei covered a snort rather poorly, but Heero merely chuckled. "I love you."

There was no possible way to describe the elation inside me. It was like all of the shadows and pain and anguish was blistered away by the heat of the sudden light. It was impossible to keep my eyes closed.

All those times I'd thought I'd seen more. I couldn't believe I really had, that fighting my heart had been wrong, that all this time Heero's concern and fear and kindness truly were stronger for me than I'd let myself believe. It was all right there, right now, in an even more brilliant light, right there in his eyes. I'd seen it all this time and had never allowed myself to comprehend it.

I think I grinned at him like a loon.

Heero's eyes warmed just a bit more, just a bit more than I'd ever seen before, and then I saw him lean in, and in a split second I knew what he had planned.

I closed my eyes as he kissed me.

It was lightning. It was sweet. It was that punch of initial victory matched with the cool sensation of peaceful interludes. It was fire, burning, searing. And it was calm and cloying and deep. An ocean. If I hadn't felt the tears and forced them back, I would have wept. It was perfect.

Except that I couldn't wrap my arms around him and force him down when he decided to let me loose.

I scowled. "That's it?"

Heero laughed and nodded over his shoulder. "I fear for Wufei's health."

I turned my eyes reluctantly away from that face and saw Wufei glaring at the window, his face beet red.

"Sorry, 'Fei," I called out, but I really didn't feel sorry at all. Wufei's eyes flickered to me and cast a sardonic look at my less-than-repentant grin. He quickly looked away again.

The moment was ruined once more at the entrance of the infamous doctor. Heero stepped aside for the man.

"All right, Mr. Maxwell, let's see how you're doing."

I didn't even spare the man a glance. I was absolutely positive that I was doing just fine now.

* * *

"So Greaves escaped," I murmured, secretly pleased.

Heero stopped propping the pillows behind my head and back and nodded. "We never found him, despite the blood loss."

I nodded as well. "How much lost blood?"

"Not enough to kill him," Heero said carefully. Those eyes were piercing me. Wufei's eyes weren't nearly as able to split through my defenses. Another sign I'd pushed from my mind.

It was still incredible, still unbelievable, for me to think that Heero... that he __loved__ me. My mind was still slightly numb. I knew it would catch on and hit me later. Only it was two days later __now__.

I shivered.

"Cold?" Heero asked in concern.

I had no idea how that could be possible, considering I was covered head to toe in blankets. I shook my head.

It was oddly comforting to be back at Heero's house, confined to bed rest or not. It was baffling to me, the changes I saw in it. Was it warmer, more welcoming than before? No, of course it was only my perception of this place that had changed. Amazing how such a thing could make even a simple house seem so much different.

It was a thousand times easier to look into those beautiful cobalt eyes now. "I'm glad I'm stupid," I said suddenly, my mouth working without my mind's permission.

Heero's brow furrowed. "What?"

"I'm glad," I continued. "Because if I were smart, I never would have said it."

Heero knew immediately what 'it' was. He shook his head. "You aren't stupid." He leaned over me, hands on the edge of the bed. How could I not blush at his position? It was girlish, but his blatant interest in me was still... odd. "You're just smarter than me. Or maybe more impetuous." He grinned. "Either way, I am forever glad, as well. And better yet, it got Wufei off my back."

It made me chuckle, though that in turn made me wince in pain. Heero's face showed chagrin. "Sorry."

I couldn't help it; I reached up with my good arm and pulled him down until, thank God, his warm lips were skimming mine. I smiled softly. "I love you," I whispered.

Heero's lips twisted to echo mine. "You are my heart," he responded simply. And when my breath rushed out in a shocked whoosh, he pressed his lips more fully against mine.

It was the same as the first, as electric and life-altering as when I'd first tasted him.

When we finally pulled apart, I sighed. "I'm..."

"Not stupid," Heero supplied warmly.

I quirked him a grin, but it left. "They'll find out eventually. That Greaves failed."

Heero grimaced. "Caribol."

I nodded. I'd informed him and Wufei about the situation after the doctor had left in order to ready both them and Preventors. "Yeah. And..." I felt the twist inside me, the usual fear. "And I can't-"

"Of course you won't do anything!" Heero snapped. I focused on him again, surprised by the sudden anger. His eyes sparked down on me. "Trust us to fight! I won't let..." He seemed to need to breathe for a second. He closed his eyes. "I won't let you get hurt anymore." Those Prussian blue eyes opened to plead with me. "Don't make me feel that again. Please."

I gaped like a carp. Unattractive, I'd bet. "Heero, I... it wasn't about that... I mean," I mumbled for a second. "I don't wanna hear you say that."

Heero sighed. "I haven't changed, Duo."

I jumped a bit. It hurt enough to make me wince. "Huh?"

"It may seem that I've changed, Duo, but I've always been like this. During the war, it was a part of me I didn't acknowledge, and... when you first returned... Duo, I thought you were still hurting too much."

I frowned. "Hurting?"

His eyes slid away from me. "Because of the person in the poem."

__So forgive these broken wings of mine..._ _

I hissed. "Fuck."

He smiled sadly. "It was me."

I cleared my throat. "It-"

"Will you explain it to me?" Heero whispered, digging that gaze into my soul. "Explain... how you thought I'd left you behind."


	3. Enya Saga

_He only stared at me, waiting. How could I answer that? The truth, so painful for me, would be too difficult for him to bear. I gave him a lopsided grin. "When I write, Heero, it's more melodramatic than-"_

" _ _Duo, don't spare me."__

__The grin flickered, then disappeared on a sigh. "It's not that you left me behind on purpose, Heero... it's just that I wasn't able to follow."_ _

__Those eyes cataloged my words, once again decoding them. "And you believe I continued on without you."_ _

Hadn't you? __I wondered, but I dared not say it. The truth was that we'd both managed to continue under the grief, he'd just gained more than me. That didn't mean he had suffered any less. "Look, when I write, it always comes out melancholy. I have-"__

" _ _Of course it comes out melancholy," Heero cut in. I wished his eyes couldn't rip through me like that. "Duo,__ you __were melancholy. Hadn't you noticed?"__

__Of course I had. Did he think me stupid? I scowled up at him, but the effect was wholly ruined by my being trapped on the bed. "That has nothing to do with it," I muttered. "I'd come back from a bad mission, that's all."_ _

" _ _What kind of mission?"__

__If it were possible for the scowl to deepen, it did. "So a guy wanted me to find whoever'd raped and killed his wife, okay? I had to get the files on the girl and everything and it sucked."_ _

" _ _I see." I wasn't ready for it; I never was. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, a warm pressure that seized my heart. Whenever had Heero learned these acts of affection? "I will never," he breathed, "leave you behind again. I swear it."__

* * *

****[** ** ****Two Years Ago** ** ****]** **

Heero tapped his fingers on the sofa table restlessly. The phone in his hand seemed to ring forever, and dammit but no one was picking up.

Finally, finally Une answered her damn phone. "Yuy."

"I'm calling in sick," he said shortly. In his wait, he'd already managed to put on his lightweight coat to hide his gun. He would flip out his Preventors badge if some high-handed official decided to get bossy, but it was unnecessary. He wouldn't get caught with it unless he shot someone out in public. Which he may very well do.

Une snorted over the line. "Yuy, you never get sick."

"I know. I said I'm __calling in__ sick." He opened the door and headed to his car, unwilling to wait for the conversation to end before moving.

"And why, dare I ask, are you calling in sick?"

He could imagine the look on her face – slightly amused, slightly agitated. She would be tapping her pencil against her desk right about now. If he listened closely, he could just make out the sound of its rapping. It almost made him smile.

"Wufei heard a man shouting in the streets, saying he would take out the Gundam pilots. He was asking people if they knew where we were. He and I are going to meet up with him and save him the trouble of tracking us down one by one."

Une was silent for a moment. Heero took the chance to unlock his car and step inside. He started it as she said, "then why don't you call in your report?"

"Hn?" He wasted no time in exiting his driveway.

"I'll put you on the case. Apprehend that man, dead or alive. That way you don't have to waste your sick days."

He smirked. How like her. "As if I use them," he countered slightly.

"I don't care, Yuy. If he's targeting my men, I want him taken down. See to it."

He hummed an inarticulate affirmative and flipped his phone closed. The discussion was over.

* * *

He met with Wufei outside the martial arts dojo where he'd heard the man's proclamations.

"Hello, Yuy."

He sent Wufei a small, hardly discernible smile. "What did he say?"

"He said, and I quote, 'wherever those Gundam pilots are, I'll take them all down. Anyone here gonna tell me where they are? I've got an appointment with the next one.'"

"'Next one'?" Heero repeated, feeling a swarm of panicked butterflies flutter inside him.

Wufei nodded. Both of them were a bit unused to showing emotions, but even Wufei couldn't hide his concern. "I highly doubt he is an actual threat, but I will treat him as one nonetheless."

Heero agreed. Duo, for all his cheerful exuberance, could take care of himself. Wherever he was.

Wufei holstered his gun and hid it under his own coat. It was July, far too hot for them to be comfortable. "Did you tell her?"

"It's now a case" was his clipped response.

Wufei chuckled. "Of course it is. The woman's crazy."

Heero chuckled dryly. "I'm aware. So where is he?" Wufei had undoubtedly followed the man, after all.

"I'll show you." And Wufei moved off. Heero got into formation slightly behind him.

* * *

****[** ** ****Present** ** ****]** **

The birds woke me up.

It had only been a week since Greaves and I had fought, and no one had heard from him since. He'd managed to disappear.

I, on the other hand, couldn't manage to stand. Of course I'd pushed it too far. It had been absolutely stupid to fight in the condition I'd been in. Heero... hell, if I'd thought he had mother-hen tendencies before, he was fucking insane now. He didn't let me do a fucking thing. I was watched more closely than Quatre.

The thought of Quatre brought a searing pain. Ever since the latest disaster, he hadn't come over at all. And it wasn't because he was out of town. No, I knew without a doubt that it was because Trowa wasn't allowing him. Apparently I was too much of a danger.

It hurt, not having my friend nearby. He had always been the one closest to me, the one who understood without my needing to say a word. Where Heero had Wufei, I had Quatre.

Heero, of course, hadn't returned to Preventors yet. I had no idea how the man could simply boss around Une like that – even I hadn't gone that far. Wasn't it dangerous?

"Duo?"

I turned my head to the sound. It was Heero, of course, waiting for entrance into my room. It was a ridiculous notion – what, could I stop him? "Hey there, Heero."

Heero opened the door then, a smile flickering across his face. "Hey," he replied. In his hands sat a tray with what looked to be soup and orange juice. I grinned. "Food?" I asked hopefully.

He chuckled. "Of course. Did you think I'd let you starve?"

"You? Mama-Yuy?" I snorted. "Not likely."

Heero placed the tray on the nightstand beside me. A flick of his wrist snapped the lamp on. He used the extra light to study me. "You look better," he said finally. I had no idea what he meant; it wasn't like I'd just come out of the hospital. I'd been here for a while, suffering through a day nurse. Heero turned to the food and picked up the soup.

Shit. We were still doing this.

I blushed as propped me up and scooted his chair – a permanent fixture by the bed – closer to me. I couldn't yet hold things well – my stomach had the tendency to screw up even my good arm. I had to be fed by someone else. And of course Heero had volunteered.

It was an absolutely humiliating experience. Never before had I gotten myself this messed up. Worse, even if I had, I knew damn well that I never would have allowed it... if I hadn't just recently heard Heero's proclamation.

Even now the words echoed off the caverns of my mind randomly. I would hear them again while lying down wishing I had something to occupy my time, or when reading, or sometimes eating or bathing – another humiliating situation, though this task was performed by my day nurse.

The thought of it now made me smile. Those three words were...

"What?" Heero asked softly, ladling a spoonful of soup and holding it out for me.

I blushed to my toes. "Huh?" I accepted the food and wished I could turn into a puddle and melt into the bedding.

"Your smile. What brought it?"

Heero had also developed a curiosity that could absolutely not be appeased. Throwing sacrificial virgins into a volcano probably wouldn't even make him pause for a breath when he got going. I cleared my throat and took another bite before answering. "Uh, just remembering..."

Heero quirked an eyebrow. "Remembering what?"

I scowled, this time almost forgetting that I was supposed to eat. "The day I woke up," I mumbled around the food. It was harder to swallow, admitting that little peach.

"Hmm." Heero closed his eyes and leaned back for a moment. "Mine was a bit too bittersweet at the time, but now I suppose I can appreciate the words." I felt guilt and sadness take a chunk out of me, but Heero's face was sporting a strange little smile. "After all..." Heero said, focusing those eyes back on me and carefully spooning up another bit of food. "It broke the barrier between us."

I was too shocked to be able to respond, and Heero took the opportunity to stuff the spoon into my mouth. I took far too much time chewing, thinking about what Heero had said. It was silent then as Heero respected my mood.

It was when he was packing everything back up that I spoke up. "I didn't mean to make it a bad memory."

Heero turned to stare at me with what could only be shock on his face. The bowl he held sat limply in his hands. "Duo, it isn't like that." Without looking at the tray, he placed the bowl on it and placed his hand over mine. I blushed hard enough to stain. "Yes, I was scared, but I was happy, too. Happy to hear that you loved me."

His spoke those words far too easily. It made the blush even worse. "I didn't want to go without..." but saying that brought a sad look to Heero's face, so I switched. "I didn't say anything at first because I thought you'd never..." Shit, that wasn't good, either. "I-I mean..."

Heero squeezed my hand tightly. "Duo."

"It was during the war." I had no idea why I was telling him all this. "At first it was kind of like hero worship. You were freaking invincible, and I knew I'd never be able to measure up."

Heero scowled at me. "What?"

"But then it became more about... you as a whole, but you were the soldier and I knew that came first to you. As it should have. But... I started thinking that there was no way..." I'd thought that from the beginning, dammit. But I was going to edit the hell out of this for his sake. "And packed it up."

Heero sat, patiently listening. But those damn insightful eyes of his seemed to be processing something. That was never good. "You were thinking you would die after the battle with Greaves."

I winced. "I hadn't gone out expecting that," I argued, knowing it was a feeble defense. "I told you – he had some sort of enhancements made on him. It was harder than it should have been."

That scowl came back. "It would have been easier if-"

" _ _No__ ," I snapped heatedly. "It was a battle between us. It wasn't yours to get involved in."

Heero gave me a sharp look. "Of course it was. I've loved you for years, Duo. I couldn't take the chance that I would lose you."

I winced. Okay, he had a point. And it made my chest hurt to hear he'd loved me for years. "So much lost time..."

I hadn't realized I'd spoken aloud until Heero responded. "I know."

Of course the reason it had taken so long was because I'd run off. Thinking about the pain I'd gone through every day of those three damn years, it made me feel so stupid. And then to continue with my stupidity even after seeing him again! What the hell was wrong with me?

"I should have told you," Heero murmured. It snapped me out of my little mental pit.

"Huh?" I asked brightly.

"When you returned... no, before that. We'd had time, but I'd never said anything. You were always so happy; I kept telling myself I had time."

I backpedaled quickly. "Whoa, whoa. Uh..." I blinked. "Wait, what? You liked me back before I left?"

Heero seemed taken aback by my words. "Of course."

I tried to digest that. "Uh, all you guys said was that you were talking to Wufei during my month's stay..." Although he had said things earlier that hinted at a longer span of time... I'd just figured he'd come to the realization after the time I'd left.

Heero sighed. "I liked you during the war, Duo."

That pierced through me... strangely. "Even then?" I tried to see the old Heero liking much of anything and felt my brain cells fry.

Heero sighed and picked up the tray, standing as he did so. "How couldn't I, Duo?" he asked me, though his eyes were no longer on me. "During the war, you always had a smile for everyone. I thought it a sign of incompetence at first, but it became so much of a solace that I..." He shrugged. "I began depending on it."

He made his exit then, in true Hollywood style, closing the door behind him. And I, following the clichéd script perfectly, stared after him for a long period of time.

Finally I scowled and turned away, embarrassed as hell. Fade to black.

* * *

****[** ** ****Two Years Ago** ** ****]** **

"Here?" Heero asked dubiously, staring at the completely normal suburban neighborhood house. White building, dark blue shutters, empty garden patch. It could be owned by any bachelor – or even bachelorette – in the world.

"No, I just decided to stare at this house." Wufei pulled out his gun and checked it over.

Heero cocked his brow at the sarcasm and did the same with his own gun. "What does he look like?"

"Slightly broad, weight approximately one-sixty, height approximately six foot. Blond hair, long, eyes brown." Wufei snapped his magazine closed and glared at the house. "Shall we?"

Heero hummed an affirmative. His thoughts scattered slightly, wondering what the man meant. Next one? Had he really hurt Duo in some way? Was Duo...?

He gritted his teeth. No. Duo had survived the war, after all.

Though... Heero closed his eyes for a split second. Though Duo had been the one to get caught more than anyone else. Half of it was because the man was sacrificing himself, but Heero had to admit that the other half was because of the idiot's recklessness. Had Duo been reckless again, without Heero around to bail him out?

Heero clenched his gun hard. There was only one way to find out.

* * *

****[** ** ****Present** ** ****]** **

Mr. Zencroft was the devil.

I decided that after he made his first house call since The Incident and liberally tortured the hell out of me. Today, being the second such visit from hell, he took the chance to inform me that it was my fault for getting myself injured even worse. Like I wanted to hear logic when I was in agony.

I glared at him as he left the room, my bad mood not the least bit abated by his blessed absence. I could hear Heero's voice, indistinct with distance, speaking with Evil Incarnate on my lack of progress, which would continue until I could at least stand. I scowled.

Finally, blessedly, I heard that door close. I waited impatiently for Heero's return, the catch-all sign that the torture had officially passed. I found it telling that he was never nearby while I "exercised."

The door opened, and I caught Heero's concerned gaze before he smiled at me. "How are you?"

"Humph." I cast my glare in his direction. After all, he'd left me alone with that sadist.

He chuckled. "How about we-"

He was interrupted by the doorbell. Heero turned to the sound and grinned. "They're here," he murmured.

I cocked an eyebrow at him and watched him disappear. They? I strained my ears, but I couldn't hear anything other than the security system beeping out a warning that the door had been opened. Who was it now? Heero had worn a secret little smile, more like a smirk. What the hell was he up to?

Then there were footsteps tracing their way to me. Footsteps and... a wheelchair?

I felt hope spring up in my chest just as the door opened – and there, with Wufei behind him and Heero behind __him__ , sat Quatre, positively beaming at me.

"Quatre!" I shouted with joy, shining my biggest grin at him. If I could have, I would have bounced up and down in happiness.

Wufei snorted as he wheeled Quatre inside. "How come I never get such a welcome, Maxwell?"

I didn't even flick him a glance. "Because you're always here. Quatre, how are you?" He looked much better now. It seemed that his pallor was darker, and he wasn't as hunched in on himself as he'd been the last time I'd seen him. The number of bandages also seemed to have decreased.

"I'm well, Duo. And you?" His eyes raked over me, that grin of his falling into a frown as he looked me over. I, unlike him, hadn't made much progress. Unless one considered the fact that I'd become progressively worse.

"I feel better than I look," I assured him.

He gave me a dubious look.

"Maxwell," Wufei chuckled, "if you felt as bad as you looked, you'd probably be dead."

I sent him a half-glare. "Oh yeah? Well if I were dead I wouldn't be feeling worse, now would I?" I sent him a mocking sneer. Hah! That little tete-a-tete was mine.

Quatre laughed. "It seems your morbid sense of humor is in good condition, at least."

I cocked him a grin. "Of course." But then I looked at him seriously. "Quatre, you're going to catch hell for this. I know damn well Trowa doesn't know you're over here."

Quatre scowled. It was strange to see such a look on the normally placid blond's face. "That bastard," he snarled, and I thought I would choke on the shock, "doesn't ever want me to be near you. I can't believe his nerve! What the hell's wrong with him? He can go straight to-"

"Whoa, whoa." I almost made the mistake of lifting my hands up, but I thought Heero would gun for me if I did. "When did this happen? What's going on?"

Quatre turned to me, his eyes earnest. "You have always been my closest friend, Duo," he said. I felt guilt hit like the vacuum of space, sucking me in, leaving me adrift. "We always understood each other, even during the war, despite our different backgrounds. You were there for me, even when you weren't there physically. Trowa wants me to forget all that. To forget __you__. I won't."

I didn't know what to think. Quatre was arguing with Trowa over me? There were strains in their relationship because of me? Because... because I was such a close friend of Quatre's. Because Quatre still held me in high regard, and Trowa couldn't understand why. "He's worried about you," I whispered, hoping to salvage their relationship somehow.

"I know that," Quatre snapped. "I also know I won't let him take you away from me." He wheeled himself forward and touched my hand. "Duo. Don't think this is your fault, okay? It's between Trowa and me."

I scowled. "You're arguing over me, Quatre. How __doesn't__ that involve me?"

Quatre leaned forward, enough to make me worry about his recuperating wound. "I told you, you're my best friend. I know Trowa's worried that I'll be hurt, but being kept away from you hurts. Especially now, when you're wounded like this and recuperating and you may be attacked again."

I didn't want to think about that too hard. "Well, the attack thing..." I sighed, one big long whoosh. I saw Heero and Wufei slip out of the room, making nonsense noises about tea, and waited until they were gone. "I…" __Shouldn't bother you with this sort of thing.__

"You're scared, aren't you."

It wasn't really a question, but I nodded anyway. "I can't do anything as I am now. And Caribol..."

Quatre nodded his head in understanding. "I know. It hurts to have those you care about in danger."

Guilt sucked me back up again. Shit. "Qat, I don't want you and Trowa fighting."

Quatre's eyes waffled for a bit before he admitted, "I don't want us fighting, either. But," he warned, "I'm not letting it go. I won't stay away from you. Duo... would you stay away from me, if Heero ordered it? And I was really hurt?"

I thought about it, then sighed. "Not even for him," I murmured. Because Quatre truly was my closest friend.

Quatre nodded. "There. See? Though I don't think Heero would ever do that. He's very reliable."

"So's Trowa." I carefully didn't say either 'is' or 'was.' "I always thought of him as the most level-headed of us all."

Quatre frowned. "Not about me, he isn't."

"Sometimes that's a good thing," I said. I didn't want these two to fall apart. They really were made for each other. Trowa just... hated my guts. With a passion. "He's just really worried about you, and he doesn't trust me all that much. Just think about it, Quatre. If Trowa were practically pining away for someone for years, someone who never seemed to return his concern-"

"But you did worry about me!" Quatre interrupted. "I know; it was in all of your cards, all of your phone calls. You felt guilty about it all the time. I..."

I winced. It was true, but I didn't know it was so plain. I'd tried to keep it hidden. Tried to make Quatre feel that I was happy. "But he __didn't__ know that, Quatre. How could he? He doesn't know me the way you do."

"But..." Quatre considered it for a moment. Then he sighed. "I still have the cards. Maybe showing them to him will..."

Heero entered the room, hands empty of any supposed tea. His eyes zeroed in on Quatre. "Sorry, Quatre." The blond's eyes dimmed, narrowed. He scowled, but there was a line of stress and fatigue between his brows. "Time's up. Trowa found out."

* * *

* * *

****[** ** ****Two Years Ago** ** ****]** **

Following protocol for Une's sake – an annoying obstacle at the best of times – Heero and Wufei waited until the man opened his door. Heero was surprised. Not because he looked normal – they always looked normal – but because he __didn't__ look normal. His hair, a dirty blond, was died in dreadlocks and pulled into a ponytail. His face, stocky and angled, was rough with stubble. He smirked with a mouth pulled down on the right by a scar. A fresh one.

And his eyes were an arrogant brown-gold.

"Hey," he said, and his voice was deep, almost country. Heero hated that the man was taller than him. But most people were taller than him.

"Hello."

The man pointed his thumb at his scar before Heero could say anything. "Don't mind the mark. It's a victory scar."

Wufei snarled. "Victory?"

"Yeah, man. You know the Gundam pilots? This was a parting gift from the long-haired one just before he bit it."

Heero felt fear smack him in the chest hard enough to catch his breath. "I doubt it. We aren't weak enough to be defeated by someone like you."

"'We?'" The man looked shocked for a second, but then his cocky grin turned feral. "So you've come to me? That makes my life pretty fuckin' simple."

"Inside or out?" Wufei asked calmly.

The man laughed gleefully. "Hell, let's make a spectacle of it!" He gestured behind them. "Shall we?"

Heero scowled, jumping back and grabbing up his gun. Wufei did the same. Neither was willing to show their backs to this man.

"My name's Dracul," The man told them. "I think it's only fair for you to die with my name burned into those eyes of yours."

Heero wasn't expecting the man's movements to be hard to follow.

* * *

****[** ** ****Present** ** ****]** **

It was like entering the battlefield again. Only this time I was completely defenseless.

Trowa charged into the room – my room, where I was conveniently trapped on the bed – and glared murder at... me. If I wasn't so scared of the promises in those eyes, I would've cocked my eyebrow at him. What, did I think I dragged Quatre over here, kicking and screaming in protest?

Heero, of course, came to my side and matched Trowa glare for glare. I just about died. Hadn't these four become best friends while I'd been away? Was it all crumbling to the ground because I was back? Why?

"Yuy, what the hell is Quatre doing here?" Trowa growled. I couldn't believe it – Trowa completely disregarded the fact that Quatre was right there in the room with us.

"I asked them to bring me over, Trowa," Quatre snapped, pulling Trowa's attention to him. I thought I saw the anger flicker for a second in Trowa's forest-green eyes. Was that hurt in its place?

"Why?" Trowa demanded. "I told you-"

"And I told you I don't give a damn about your stupid fucking prejudices," Quatre punched in. I was too shocked to speak. Quatre was so pissed he was using the cursed 'F' word? And why, why in __hell__ , was Heero the one Trowa had turned on the instant he'd walked in? Just because he'd stood up for me? I was surprised to find that it got my back up.

"Quatre, dammit-"

"No! Duo's my __friend__ , Trowa!" Behind Quatre's anger was a desperation that made me wince. Trowa heard it too. I could tell because he flinched almost violently.

"That piece of shit?!" Trowa threw a hand to indicate me. This time I flinched.

Quatre stared at Trowa in shock. Those sky blue eyes drowned in sorrow.

"I believe it's time for you to leave," Heero said quietly. My eyes drifted over to him. I could only see the side of his face, but it chilled me. He was the Perfect Soldier now, eyes dead and cold. I saw that his hands had clenched into fists.

Trowa caught the danger in Heero's stance as well and frowned. "So you're still–"

Heero snarled. "Get out, Trowa."

Trowa glared right back. "Fine. Quatre, we're going."

"No." Trowa turned to Quatre in shock, hurt... fear? "I'm staying here, Trowa." And Quatre's eyes were so full of pleading, begging Trowa for something.

I couldn't believe how quickly things were degenerating. "Wait," I said, then louder, "wait!"

They all turned to me, three pairs of eyes – damn, four pairs of eyes, as Wufei ran into the room. I couldn't believe this. Quatre and Trowa looked like they were on the verge of breaking up, and Heero seemed about ready to commit murder. I had to stop this. "Look," I said, and I wished I could freaking move my arms, at least. "Look," I said again, "how about Trowa and I just talk this out for a bit?"

Heero snarled. "Absolutely not." There were similar noises coming out of Wufei's and Quatre's faces. Trowa glared fiercely at me.

"This is between me and-" I began, but was cut off.

"You're not pulling that one out again," Heero snapped. "No fucking way. I'm not leaving this room." He sent a dark look to Trowa.

"Heero, this is something that has to be done." I looked over at Quatre, who was looking back and forth between me, Heero, and Trowa. "We can't have things continuing like this."

Quatre frowned, but he nodded. Heero growled at him, now, too. "All right, I'll concede that," he said slowly. "But we aren't leaving. The sides aren't even right now."

"And they'll be even with everyone ganging up on Trowa?" I countered. "I don't think he'll strangle me, you know." Note the words ‘ _I don't_ **_think_**.’ "We can't exactly hash this out with spectators."

Heero turned to me, turning his back to Trowa. It wasn't negligence, but instead a blatant insult. __You could never beat me__. I watched Trowa. He wouldn't take Heero's insult as an invite, would he? "Duo, I won't leave you."

I glared at him stubbornly. There was protection and then there was freaking hovering. "Heero, you know this is ridiculous, right?"

Heero scowled at me outright. "You're right; it __is__ ridiculous. Trowa should know that-"

"For the love of... Heero Yuy, are you telling me you guys fought like this over anything else? Before I came back, did you fight?"

"No," Wufei piped up from the doorway, "but that was because we avoided speaking of you around him."

My God. Things were really that tense? "See? That's ridiculous. Now get the fuck out of my room."

Wufei sighed and went behind Quatre. "No – hey! Wufei!"

Wufei leaned over and whispered something into Quatre's ear, something that made him settle down a bit. I watched him wheel the blond out and turned to Heero. "Please?"

Heero's eyes looked pained. But they also showed understanding. "Dammit," he whispered. He whirled on Trowa. "You touch him – fucking __touch__ him – and I will kill you."

It was an even deeper threat than when he said it to me during the war, spoken in a low growl. He seemed willing to give Trowa an example before he turned back to me and brushed a quick kiss over my forehead. The sign of endearment caught me off-guard, as it always did. By the time my head cleared, Heero had left the room. I highly doubted he'd left the hallway just outside.

It was an instant awkwardness, infinitely worse than when I'd found Trowa after he'd lost his memories. He glared at the floor. I stared off to the side, trying to see patterns in the patternless wall.

So," I started jerkily, turning to him, "I know I hurt Quatre-"

"You have no clue," he spat. "How he worried, how he..." Trowa looked up to sear my skin with that hatred in his dark green eyes. "Every day. Every day I would see him staring at the vid phone, at the pictures and cards you sent him. He would stare at them for __hours__."

I winced. I could see it; Quatre's empathy was so strong. "No, I couldn't have known that."

"You __left__. And why? For yourself. I had thought you weren't that greedy, that selfish. During the war... but you changed. You left everyone and went on your merry way, and you never thought about those you left behind."

"I thought about Quatre every day," I argued, but there was no heat in the words. It was true that I thought about Quatre. How couldn't I? Quatre had __always__ been there for me. I'd hurt him by leaving. I'd known it. But I'd been desperate. I had to make Trowa see that somehow. "I love Quatre. I didn't leave so I could hurt him, Trowa."

"It doesn't matter why you left. It matters what happened when you did."

I couldn't argue that. "I agree." Trowa seemed suitably shocked by this announcement. I took the chance to continue. "I agree; hurting Quatre is inexcusable. I... I can never make up for what I've done to him. And then when we finally meet each other again, I send him into death. I sent all of you in there, and for what? Because I'd messed up. It was for my mistake. I know. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I don't deserve it." I could see those eyes flicker a bit. Could see the confusion. Thank God.

"Then what do you want?" he demanded.

"Nothing. Nothing for me. But Quatre's hurting right now, and it's because of the tension between us. I don't want that, and I know you don't. And you and Heero and Wufei, you've all always been close, even during the war. You've become practically brothers, and now..." I shook my head. "I don't want everything to crumble just because of my mistakes. You all..."

"I don't understand you!" Trowa began pacing, a sharp clip. The room was too small for it to release any stress, but Trowa continued anyway. "You practically disappear for three years and then you return and try to get us killed. And now you fucking say it's all your fault!"

I frowned. "It is."

"I'm not arguing that," Trowa snapped. "But I didn't think you'd admit it."

"Hey." I put on my patented quirky smile. "I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie. Remember?"

Trowa glared at me. "I remember." He didn't pause in his pacing. If anything, he paced faster. "you __say__ you're worried about our relationships."

"I am," I defended. "Of course I am. If it weren't for me, you guys wouldn't have any problems, right?"

Trowa glared at me, but he didn't respond other than that. I took that as an affirmative. I was about to speak when Wufei poked his head in. "Maxwell, Yuy's frothing at the mouth out here. What are you guys saying?"

I grinned. "I knew he was out there. Mama-Yuy."

Trowa glanced at me, then Wufei. He scowled outright. "We need a few more minutes."

Wufei shrugged. "Fine. But if you hurt Maxwell, I'll skin you alive."

"Get in line!" I called as he closed the door. I shook my head. "See? See that? What the hell? The Gundam pilots are turning on each other. It's not right."

"What the hell were you doing those three years?" Trowa asked suddenly, his voice hard. It startled me a bit.

"I was a bounty hunter. Black Strike-"

"I know that, goddammit." That made me jump, too, because how often did Trowa curse? It was only a bit more than Quatre. A minuscule bit. "But you weren't out killing people twenty-four-seven, so pray tell – what the fuck were you doing those three years that you couldn't stop by and say hello to Quatre?!"

I frowned and looked away again. My answers didn't satisfy me, so there was no way in hell they would satisfy him. "At first, it was more that I needed to be completely alone. I felt like, if I returned to see anyone, I would start depending on them. I wouldn't be able to... it was the reason I kept coming back to you guys after the war, I mean... I just was so dependent on... on us. As a group. I knew I'd go back to doing that if I saw anyone."

"And then?" Trowa pressed, ruthless.

Yeah. Here was the part that I myself hated the reasoning for. "And then I became a bounty hunter, in pretty much all senses of the term. I made enemies. And I was the only one searching blindly for a war that was long over, while I knew damn well Quatre had settled down as a fucking businessman and I didn't want to bring the war to him again, and I knew that anyone I associated with would be targeted."

"And __that's__ your excuse for never seeing Quatre? For never coming to check on him or be with him?"

There was condemnation in that voice, but I was ready for it. After all, I condemned myself for the exact same reasons. "Excuse is a pretty good word for it," I said quietly.

"Goddamn it!" Trowa roared. "Do you __know__ what you did to him? And as if that weren't bad enough, that fucking psycho came and said he'd killed you and Quatre fucking went __catatonic__. He lost hope, lost faith. He never slept, he hardly ate. He sat by the phone every fucking day, waited for the mail woman every day, crumpled when he didn't receive anything from you. I thought he would __die__."

I winced again, hurting with each word Trowa spoke. "I didn't know," I whispered.

"Of course you didn't! Because you were too busy worrying about yourself!"

Heero burst through the door. " _ _Enough__. Get out, Barton."

"Heero-"

"No." He turned on me. "You and I are the ones who are going to be having a talk next. As for you," he snarled, turning back to his old comrade, "you get the fuck out of my house."

Trowa glared back at Heero. I almost expected the two of them to pull guns on each other. But then Trowa just walked out the door, leaving Heero alone in the room with me.

Heero shot me a look. "I'll be right back," he promised, as if I could go anywhere, and stormed out after Trowa. I heard a few heated words murmured too low for me to hear, then a door, and then some more mumbling. Finally I heard Quatre's voice, low and insistent, and the door closed. Heero opened the door and entered my room again just as a car blew down the road.

"Shit," I murmured, looking over to the window on my right. "I hope it helped."

"You fucking idiot!"

I flinched again, staring at Heero wide-eyed. He was glaring at __me__ now. What? What had I done?

"How could you?" he continued, coming toward the bed. I had a vision of __him__ strangling me and gaped in terror. "How could you take all the fucking blame? It's not your fault!"

...Huh?

And Heero sat down on the edge of the bed, gently gripped my face in his hands, and kissed me full on the lips. My brain short-circuited completely, frying the few furiously working brain cells. He tasted so good. It wasn't often we kissed, mostly because I was uncomfortable with how quickly everything was changing, but when we did it was pure heaven.

Heero broke off the kiss and leaned back, staring hard into my eyes. "Duo," he murmured, "how could you? You were hurting, too."

It was such a simple phrase. I had no idea why it made my insides melt. "But that was because of me – I was hurting because of me. Self-inflicted wounds. But Quatre..."

"Those wounds were his own, as well," Heero sighed. "Just as my wounds are mine alone. My fear, my love, my hope. It hurt, but it was my heart, mine, that hurt me. You can't alter another person's emotions, Duo. Quatre's pain was his own burden. They weren't your fault."

"But if I'd stayed-"

"If? Please, Duo, don't give me any if's. I'm too happy with how things are right now to worry about how they might be different if we'd walked different paths." He pressed his forehead to mine. I could smell his breath, could breathe it in with my own lungs. I could feel his heat, smell his skin. I wished, so very badly, that I could lift my arms and touch him. But I knew it would be too painful to try. My ribs made even the thought of moving torture.

"You're... happy? With this?"

Heero hummed a light affirmative. "Why wouldn't I be?"

His eyes were so close they were blurry. I couldn't see them. I closed my eyes and brought that cobalt hue to mind. "Trowa," I said simply.

He hummed again, but this time in annoyance. "He'll either learn, or he won't be welcome here."

"Heero!" I gasped and tried to pull away.

"No, you don't," he whispered, pulling my head back into place beneath his. "I mean it. He's hurting you. He's saying everything you fear. And you believe him. Gods, I can't stand that you believe him." He leaned up and kissed my forehead again, a feather-light touch. "What am I going to do with you?"

I almost shrugged, but my ribs sent a warning before I could make that mistake. "Heero, he's right. I hurt Quatre – I knew leaving would hurt him and I did it anyway. And it was for my own selfish reasons. I-"

"Shush, dammit. Every human being on this planet has the right to be a little selfish."

I tried to argue again, but Heero just growled a warning. So we lapsed into silence, our foreheads warming each other. I slipped into sleep with the peace of Heero's presence beside me.

* * *

* * *

**Wufei was still there, I learned, and stayed for dinner. They usually joined me in my room, torturing me by eating delicious Heero-made food while I swallowed down the bile that was my hospital-recommended diet. But that evening they stayed away. I knew why. I knew they were discussing Trowa and the conversation Heero had eavesdropped on. I knew it wouldn't be good.**

I also knew they wouldn't listen to anything I had to say on the matter.

When they were finished talking to each other, they had the good grace to come into my room and hang out for a bit, but they were studiously observant of where the flow of conversation was going and headed off all my attempts at channeling the subject.

It was about an hour later that Wufei managed an almost graceful escape, reminding Heero of something he needed for tomorrow. Heero had agreed to do a bit of desk work at home in lieu of going to work, so he ended up with all of the paperwork.

I turned my eyes to him. "He's scared, Heero."

Heero sighed. Of course he knew who I was speaking about. "I know. But so am I." His fists clenched again as he admitted those words.

"You? Of what?"

Heero's eyes were piercing through me again. "You." At my gaping look, he continued. "I can't lose you. Not to anything. Not to Caribol, not to Greaves. Not to your own fears. The idea that one of ours is trying to push you away from me..." His lips quirked, but they lacked the humor necessary to maintain the lift. "Of course I'm going to be scared. I can see it in your eyes, the decision to stay or leave, hoping that going away will make everything all right between us." My eyes bugged a bit. It was scary, how much Heero saw. "I'll tell you now, though, Duo. If you leave, our group will be destroyed. Permanently."

I knew he was speaking the truth. The look in his eyes couldn't be questioned. "But why?"

Heero glared at me. "Why? Duo, I finally got you back. After __three years__. I can't..." The pain in his eyes was laid bare for a split second. "I can't lose you again."

It surprised me, these moments when Heero's feelings for me were plain to see. After years... and then having returned and still seeing nothing... and now it was right __there__. The words, the actions, the expressions. "Heero," I breathed.

He leaned forward. "Duo, I know you feel like you aren't a part of our team, but you __are__. And you're an important part. Don't... please don't let Trowa take you away from us."

I frowned and turned away from him, glaring at the wall. "He's just scared," I said again, unwilling to let it go entirely.

Heero sighed and relaxed a bit in his seat. I think he saw my desire to stay somehow. "I know. I know that, Duo. But his fear is hurting you. And that's unforgivable."

His tone made my eyes flick back to him. It was incredible how eyes that could look so dead could burn so brilliantly. They glared down at me, not in anger, but in... possessiveness. Possessiveness and protectiveness. Those eyes said he wanted to defend me. I couldn't help but blush. It was nice, the warmth it made me feel.

Heero stood. "In any case, I think Quatre and Trowa are having a hard time."

"No shit?" I swallowed back the rest of my retorts, but Heero still cocked a brow at me and grinned. I grinned back and continued. "Are they going to break up?"

Heero frowned. "I don't know."

That was very close to being a 'yes.' "You do know," I murmured, "that if they __do__ break up... it'll be on my head."

Heero downright snarled at me. "No, dammit. It won't. It's between them; it's their decision. Not yours. You didn't force them apart."

I wanted to disagree, but I knew Heero would rip me a new one. So I switched to a different tactic. "Be that as it may," and only __may__ , "Trowa would have a different opinion."

If anything, the snarl grew louder. "He can kiss it." Heero looked out the window as if he could direct his ire down the streets, through Quatre's car and into Trowa's bloodstream.

The words surprised me so much I started chuckling.

Heero turned to glare at me. "What the hell's so funny?" he groused.

I shook my head. "I just never expected to hear those words from you, Mr. Stoic."

He relaxed again and smiled. "Stoic, hm?" He came to my bedside and stared down at me. Oddly enough, I didn't get a vulnerable feeling; rather the warmth returned. Slowly he leaned down, putting the weight of his upper body on the bed. And then we kissed.

I wished, almost desperately, that I could hold him, pull him down. But Heero took care of it for me, leaning down until our chests touched, until I felt his warmth all over me. I moaned in appreciation. I think he chuckled.

Finally he pulled away and I smiled at him, feeling a little light-headed and dizzy. "Maybe I should call you stoic more often," I muttered. He grinned and pecked me on the lips.

"Rest," he ordered softly.

"Hummm," I said mindlessly. It took all of two minutes for me to comply to his order.

* * *

I awoke a few hours later to the smell of steak. I began drooling approximately .01 seconds later.

I experimented for a second, trying to see if I could prop myself up on my own. Of course I couldn't; it was foolish to even try. I couldn't help but cry out, even as I swallowed back the worst of it. It was only a short, gasping cry, and if I'd been smart I would've held even that back. Heero, with his superhuman abilities, must have heard, because he pounded in as if Cerberus was chewing on his heels.

"Duo," he gasped, slamming open the door as if he'd heard gunfire. He zeroed in on my face, on my hands still clenched in the sheets, elbows raised. His eyes narrowed. I gave him a weak grin, but he stomped over to the side of my bed and glared down at me.

"Oops," I whispered. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. I took the chance to rearrange myself. Even that had me grimacing. Shit, shit, shit.

"Duo, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Can't get better without..." I started, but I had to take a time out.

Those eyes opened, still glaring but more concerned now. "Duo, you can't push yourself. You've taken far too much damage... if you keep this up, it may become permanent."

I scowled. "Really, doctor? Thanks for the lecture."

He didn't even smile. "I'm serious, Duo. Stop trying to force yourself to get better and leave it to us."

"That's just it!" I snapped. I had no idea why I was yelling at him – probably because he was the one in the room. "This is __my__ problem. I don't care about your all-for-one bullshit; this is __mine__." I closed my eyes and hissed. "I knew it – I __knew__ it. As soon as I settled down, I knew this would happen." I was a fool. Why had I returned and stayed? I would take the burning agony of loss if it meant keeping everyone safe from my enemies. Hell, if I was going to think like that – why the fuck did I become a bounty hunter? I was such an idiot.

I wasn't even paying attention, so it took me by surprise when Heero's lips pressed against my forehead. He knelt beside me and gently took my hand. "You always want to take everything on yourself," he whispered. I turned my head to look at him and found troubled cobalt orbs staring back at me. "You always want to take the burden. But don't you know how much it hurts us to see you do it?"

I flinched. It shocked another hiss of pain through my lips.

"Sorry," he whispered, then louder, "but it's true. You can't understand... from the sidelines, watching you take on the world..."

I shook my head. Shit. I was getting a headache. Anything else? Might as well throw it all on my shoulders at once and be done with it. "No. Not me. __You__." I seemed to shock him with that, so I continued. "You always took on everything – like the war was yours and yours alone to win. That day... when you..." I couldn't say it; I couldn't mention that hellish day when I watched him explode before my very eyes. I shivered.

Heero's eyes seemed to engage a bit; he nodded. "I think I know..."

I nodded jerkily. "That day... I saw you take on..." I couldn't continue in that vein. Why was I so emotional? So angry, then so upset. I was like a girl on PMS. "I know what it's like," I whispered finally, "to watch someone you care about take on a burden too heavy to bear. You think __I'm__ taking on too many burdens? These enemies are __mine__ , and mine alone. __I__ made them turn against me. You... you took the war and twisted it in your mind... made it something only __you__ could defeat. I could only watch as it... as it destroyed you."

Heero was still for a moment, silent. Then he gently touched my hand. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing departed from his lips and finally he gave up. He rested his head on my hand, moving his fingers to play up and down my arm. "I'm sorry," he breathed, a small gust against the sheets.

I tried to stop. I saw how my words were hurting him, but suddenly I needed him to understand. The pain... the anguish of wondering. "Every time you were out of my sight I worried. I feared. You were supposed to be invincible, and for a long time, I thought you were. You were... incredible. Able to do the impossible. But then that day..." I shivered, but this time I didn't notice the pain. "That happened, and suddenly you were human to me. Too human. And..."

Heero said nothing. He was still as stone beside me. I wondered if he was breathing.

"And I didn't know that I would ever..." I had to stop again to get my breath. It was so hard to think about it, to remember. So painful. "When I saw you again, saw you face-to-face and knew that you'd survived..." My breath was ragged now. "I was so... so relieved." I relived briefly the overwhelming thankfulness I'd felt. "But you still acted the same... still acted invincible. As if you were immortal." My voice was becoming accusing.

"I never thought I would live," he whispered.

I cringed at it. Those words were razor-sharp. "You had to," I said fiercely. "You __had__ to. I needed you to live. But you never let me too close... you always had a wall I couldn't break, and I wasn't always there to..." I stopped again. "I was always so scared, Heero. I always wondered if I would see you on the next mission... or if all I would see was a news report..."

Heero's fingers stilled on my arm. He was silent for a beat before he whispered, "you were on the news once."

I remembered that; being beaten to holy hell and then cavorted off by ugly-ass soldiers in their puke-boring uniforms. I hadn't been able to see the crowd well; it had been difficult to see past the bruises and black eye and swelling. But I remembered, very clearly, Heero coming to rescue me. "Yeah," I managed.

"I can't describe the terror," he continued. "It was so crippling I wondered if it would be safe to go to you, even to..." His voice dropped to a small breath, "to kill you."

I nodded. I remembered that, too – Heero coming in, calling me a liability. I had told him to go ahead and kill me, and he'd raised his hand... I'd thought he'd actually been ready to pull the trigger.

"But I couldn't leave you there. I told myself it was because you were a weakness, a loose thread that needed to be cut." I chuckled humorlessly at that, but Heero didn't. "But when I got there and saw you... I just __couldn't__." He looked up to me and scowled. His eyes were red, but there were no tears. "I couldn't fucking pull that trigger. My hand locked. I... froze." He looked away from me. His fingers slid away to clench into fists. "For a soldier to be unable to kill..."

"I'm very glad you didn't," I told him, smiling slightly. Heero's eyes flickered to me and away again.

"It was terrifying," he admitted harshly. "To realize that I cared so much for you that I couldn't shoot, even though you were a huge liability and I hadn't..." He took a breath. "That I'd been so stupid as to walk into OZ without any plan whatsoever but to get to you... it was the most foolish thing I'd ever done."

I grinned at him. The patented Maxwell grin, the grin that came straight from hell. "I did worse."

He looked at me and frowned. "I know. I worried about you constantly. It was frustrating. There were times during a mission that my mind would falter, that I would wonder if you were faring well."

I was shocked by this. He'd worried about me? "I..."

Then he scowled and stood bullet-straight. "Dammit, Duo, you got me side-tracked again."

I just blinked up at him, confused. "What?"

He raked a hand through his hair and glared down at me. "You can't tell me you didn't know what you were doing."

"What I was doing?" I parroted.

He took a long, hard look at me and sighed. "Was it truly that automatic?"

I shook my head. "Uh, what? Weren't we talking?"

"Yes – about you being stupid and about your problems being mine."

I thought back to that and scowled, as well. "No, they aren't."

Heero rolled his eyes and started pacing by the bed. I envied him the ability to do that. "Duo, dammit, yes, they are. You said you understood, that you'd felt the same fear... dammit, Duo, I can't do this anymore!"

I felt my heart stop. I stared at him in horror as he continued pacing without pause and felt the most indescribable pain lance through me. I'd hoped. I'd hoped, and I'd let myself fall completely and irrevocably in love with him all over again. And now... now I was paying for it. Now I felt the pain, so much worse than I'd remembered, hitting me. He couldn't take me anymore? Because of all of my problems, all of my mistakes...

I felt my chest burning and realized I wasn't breathing. I closed my eyes and concentrated solely on air. It burned worse when I finally succeeded.

"I can't, I can't, dammit! All of this worrying..."

I let his voice fade, no longer soothing in its cadences. I gasped for air like a fish. It was hard, so hard, to continue something so mundane and necessary as breathing.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, the most I could do. I hated the tears in my eyes. They were a weakness. Men didn't cry.

"Duo, dammit-"

I heard him cut off abruptly, like a fuse blown. I had to stare up at the ceiling to keep the water in my eyes from dribbling down my face.

Then there were hands touching my cheeks. Warm. Soft. They forced my head to move, to turn to the side. The damn tears escaped. Heero's face warbled in my vision, but his voice, trembling and afraid, was as piercing as ever. "Duo?"

His hands, I noticed, were trembling against my skin. "I'm sorry," I whispered again. I gave him another grin, a shadow of the Jester. "I'm sorry I'm such a burden."

The trembling increased for a short second. I thought he was trying to assess me, to figure me out again. I took a deep breath and swallowed back the rest of the tears that were desperate to humiliate me.

But then something must have clicked, because Heero cursed low in his throat and leaned down. His kiss wasn't gentle, like they usually were, but desperate. It grabbed me up in its maelstrom, almost swallowing me whole. I think I panicked, for just a split second. And then it gentled, almost as if he'd felt my fear, and his hands were cupping my face to his. They didn't roam – I was still recovering, after all – but they did touch my cheeks, then moved up to my temples, then gently slid into my hair, pulled back in its usual braid. The kiss deepened. He moved his mouth a certain way and... and suddenly he was just that much closer and I could __feel__ him. I think I moaned.

Heero broke it off and we stayed there, foreheads pressed together, both of us gasping for breath. "No, love," he managed. "That's not what I meant."

I struggled to speak. "I don't know what's wrong with me," I whispered. "I'm... I'm fucking hormonal or something."

Heero chuckled. "You have meds, an IV... love, I think you're getting some side effects." He pulled himself back up to look down at me.

I snorted. "Impossible. I was trained..." I thought about it. "I was trained to withstand any drug."

"Any but Zadrithal," Heero said softly.

I frowned. I'd never heard of that one before. "What's that?"

"That, love," Heero sighed, "would be one of your pain meds."

I scowled. "Why didn't I hear about that?" I controlled my anger by sheer force of will.

Heero shook his head. "I'd told you, about five times. I believe your words were, 'I don't give a fuck, just drug me.'" He quirked a small grin at my narrowed gaze. "So I did." He brushed a few bangs from my forehead. "Other than the mood swings-" his fucking lips quirked "-do you feel anything?"

I did a quick inventory. "A headache," I confirmed. "Shit. This sucks."

Heero pecked me on the lips. "I'll ask the doctor if I can give you something for that. Duo, I honestly didn't mean it like that. It's true that I'm... I'm worried." I gave him a look that told him I knew the editing he'd gone through on that one. He quirked me a quick grin. "But it's because... I'm afraid that you're going to... to go off on your own again. I can't..." He stopped and struggled for words. "If you left me here again, I don't know..."

"Don't know if you'd be able to be with me?" I whispered, my voice getting quieter and quieter the further it continued.

"No!" Heero barked, then immediately calmed when I flinched. "No. Dammit, Duo, don't you understand that I can't lose you again?" He touched my cheek and sighed. His eyes were deep with something I couldn't quite read. "These problems of yours... if they're trying to pull you away from me, then I __have__ to step forward. Gods, no, it's more than that. Duo..." He sighed again and penetrated me with his gaze. "Duo, your pain is my pain. Don't you understand? Seeing you hurt cripples me." He kissed me on the forehead again, but this time his lips lingered there. I didn't even breathe. "Seeing you here like this... Duo, I can't tell you how much it hurts me. The fact that I haven't been hurt and you're here, so..." His voice wobbled. "So damaged... love, it kills me."

I felt a pain sweep me up, a pain so overwhelming it was sweet. I didn't want him hurting, but the thought that he felt that way... and his lips, soft against my skin... his fingers, sweeping lightly through my hair, gentle and warm... I could feel the heat from his body. I could smell his breath and knew he'd been sampling his food-

"The steak!" I shouted suddenly, shocking Heero into an upright position. I turned to him, deliberately breaking the mood. "The steak – go save the steak!"

"Duo," Heero started, but I cut him off.

"We can continue this after you save the steak. I want steak."

Heero's lips flickered up despite his efforts to keep them down. I could see the relief and humor hit those eyes. "All right."

"Steak!" I added for good measure.

He laughed outright. "I love you, Duo," he said warmly as he stood.

I was caught just off-guard enough to not know how to respond. Finally I managed, "forever," and he left.

* * *

* * *

****[** ** ****Two Years Earlier** ** ****]** **

"Chang!" Heero yelled, taking the short chance to check on his injured partner. Wufei was dodging the man's attacks, but it was only a matter of time...

 _ _Dracul__. He was strong. Not impossible to defeat, no, because Heero could see weaknesses in the man's defenses. It was just that he was so __fast__. It was so hard to take advantage of those weaknesses before time was up and the opening was gone...

__Duo._ _

Had Duo felt this same frustration before...-

__No!_ _

He shot at Dracul, making the man dodge and negate his attack on Wufei. He twirled on Heero, turning his gun to face him. Wufei shot, making Dracul dodge again.

 _ _Duo wouldn't have survived on his own__ , Heero's mind calculated. __As skilled as we are...__

He felt a tearing in his heart, one strong enough to crush him. He heard himself gasp in pain.

"Heero!"

He rolled on instinct, heard the slam of a bullet hitting the earth. He flicked his glance out, taking in Dracul's position. He fired, but Dracul had already moved.

"Not bad, fools!" Dracul chortled. "But I'll take you out right here and now – I'll finally be free!" He moved again, impossible to follow perfectly-

Heero moved without thinking. He couldn't think – not yet. He couldn't let himself imagine yet. He just leaped from his roll and ran straight toward Dracul.

"Making yourself a distraction?!" Dracul demanded. "Won't work!" He raised that gun of his, black as the damned man's soul, and fired.

* * *

****[** ** ****Present** ** ****]** **

So you all knew it couldn't last forever, right? You knew it was only a matter of time, just a matter of days before everything went to hell and the small, minuscule moment of peace we'd managed to grasp would come tumbling down all around us?

And it was all my fault.

It started the next day – a normal day, at first. The steak had been delicious, but morning had come and damned if it wasn't time to eat again. With my recovering health I could only endure so much solid food, but I refused to eat any more shitty liquids.

Heero and I ignored the conversation from yesterday, upset, I think, with what we'd shared with one another. At least that was the case for me. Heero seemed to be mulling it all over in that assessing brain of his. I was a little afraid of whatever the hell it would be that he'd figure out this time. I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up, and he kept his silence, as well.

I got a visit from my personal sadist and took a nap afterwards. I woke up once when Heero opened the door, but he paused when he saw I was asleep and quietly left.

It made me sigh.

The next few days were like that – quiet, introspective days where we seemed to tiptoe around each other more and more. Wufei came over constantly to report to Heero about whatever-it-was they were working on. The two of them would sometimes talk into all hours of the night.

I did not see Quatre again.

What did I do to change everything? Well, I tried again, for one thing. And for another, I left the window open.

Yeah... I got up out of my bed, opened the curtains, and passed out. I don't remember it clearly – there was the grinding pain lancing up and down my body, but this time I had the common sense to stifle my screams completely and I managed to get all the way to the window – ooh, how wondrous – and opened it. I got the chance to see a flash of blue – sky, I'm positive – and then I was out like I'd been beaten in the skull with the butt of a rifle.

I woke up feeling about the same way.

Heero was by the bed, and I was looking up at him as he worriedly stared at the floor. This told me that he'd found me. This also told me we were going to have a fight. I closed my eyes and sighed. "Morning," I muttered.

I heard the chair squeak as he jerked in reaction. Then I heard him stand. "Duo, dammit! How could you do this?"

It had been five days since the last time he'd spoken to me so... well, maybe intimately wasn't the best word, but it seemed like it was just then. I shrugged and to hell with the pain. "I've gotten better," I reported, completely ignoring his question.

"And it will be for nothing if you keep up that bullshit!" Heero snapped at me. I found it odd – why had he ignored me this past week, only to worry about me now? The last time he'd spoken to me about my injuries, he'd told me he'd gotten a pill to combat those damnable side-effects.

"It'll be worth nothing if I don't get better," I said primly. I lifted up my arm to see how far it would go.

"Damn you! Stop!"

Heero grabbed my arm – a firm hold that was so gentle it didn't even hurt – and carefully pushed it back down. "What the hell are you doing this for?"

If I wanted to get really introspective, I could have told him that I didn't want to be the only one trapped and alone, desperately waiting for someone to join me. I couldn't possibly tell him that I missed the blessed loneliness of my Wing, how badly I needed to get the hell back to my home. Watching Heero move around me was just fucking painful.

Instead I said, "because I have to be ready to fight."

Heero's eyes blazed, and I tensed for an attack that would leave a lesser man in sniveling pieces. But he surprised me, as he always did: instead of scorching me with his tongue, he left me with blistering cold. His eyes went dead. The Perfect Soldier. "You are useless as you are. Trying to change your situation won't work. Admit your weakness and stay out of our way."

I just lied there in that bed for a moment, then sent him a smile so wide I hoped it blinded him. "Kiss my ass, Yuy."

His fists clenched. Those eyes didn't change. With careful deliberation, he turned around and left.

I let the smile linger a while after that door carefully closed. I couldn't tell him all of my insecurities, just as he couldn't tell me any of his. We'd gotten too close to doing such a thing and it had separated us. If we tried again, we may find our tenuous relationship severed altogether. And I wouldn't be able to withstand such a pain.

* * *

And this would be where my second mistake came in.

Because I'd left that stupid fucking window shade open, whatever the enemy was waiting for had somehow been taken care of. I awoke dramatically and with bullets flying.

I rolled out of the bed instinctively, hitting the floor and... collapsing. I think I gasped. I didn't let myself scream.

Let's recap this real quick, okay? My stomach and arm and leg – yes, leg, because Greaves had gotten some good fucking licks in – were stitched so badly I looked like Sally from  _ _The Nightmare Before Christmas__. I had similar, if less horrific, wounds all over my body. I was Frankenstein's monster and a mummy smashed together. My little trek had been more exertion than my sadistic therapist had let me do in days.

So I wasn't really able to stand up, okay? I was only able to crouch behind that stupid fucking bed and pray the bullets weren't as strong as I thought they were. If I took another fucking injury, I might just throw my hands up in defeat. I was tired of being weak and useless. I'd had my share.

I heard footsteps outside the door, but they passed by and I knew Heero was moving to take out the perp. I had no idea why that made me afraid – if anyone could take out an army without injury, it was Heero. One guy shouldn't pose too much of a problem.

But still... still, I couldn't ignore the adrenaline punch of panic that pulsed through me in that instant.

Bullets ripped through the bed and I had to roll under the bed itself. Bullets slammed into the floor through the carpet. I grimaced; Heero's house was getting torn to shreds. Fuck. Another sin on my shoulders.

I wished I had a gun.

I heard two gunshots that differed from the normal rat-a-tat of the automatic. Heero. The constant rip of bullets silenced. The room went still. I waited a few minutes, tensely listening as the noises of the night resumed, but there was no continuation. No more noise; no more worries. I rolled from underneath the bed and tried to stand.

With a sharp cry, I fell straight back to the floor.

"Duo!"

I was getting so utterly sick and tired of hearing my name in that tone of voice. Heero's pounding footsteps returned to the doorway, but this time instead of passing by he threw open the door and raced towards me. I couldn't even crouch; there was no way I could look him in the eye.

"Duo!" He knelt down beside me and gently, ever so gently lifted me up. I had to bite my lip to not scream. "Duo, did you get hit?" He laid me down on the bed.

I caught the careful phrasing of his question. After all, it would be ridiculous to ask me if I was hurt. The answer would be an irrefutable 'yes'. That was plain. But whether I had a __new__ injury, well, that wasn't. Because I __was__ bleeding. "Fine," I mumbled, but the word was a little too breathy for my tastes. I tried again. "I'm fine." A bit better.

"Bullshit," he said lightly, but it was a kinder tone. I peeked up at him through my heavy eyelids. He was staring at me strangely, like I would disappear if he looked away. Those eyes of his were even more intent than usual.

Then he grabbed my hand and collapsed at the side of the bed.

"Heero!" I yelped, pushing myself up. His head rested on the side of the bed, face down so that it __had__ to be difficult to breathe. That hand gripped mine with such fierceness it shocked me that it wasn't too tight.

"Don't move!" he snapped, his order cold. It made me freeze. "Don't move," he said again, this time almost too soft to hear. "Dammit. Dammit!" He let go of my hand and clenched the sheets. I heard a ripping sound. "I'm so stupid!"

"Uh, what?" I shifted a bit; damn but it was uncomfortable to lay down on a bed covered with bullet holes. "Heero?"

"What have I been doing?" he murmured aloud. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Uhh..." I ignored his order and tried to sit up. "Heero-"

Without looking he pushed me back down. "Please don't." It was the quiet, oddly desperate sound to his voice that had me acquiescing, even more than the 'please.' "I'm sorry."

"Huh?" I reached out, confused, and awkwardly patted him on the head. "Uh, why?"

Heero chuckled, though I think it was forced out for my benefit. "For being afraid."

I tried to wrap my head around this. "Uh, Heero, it might be because I'm drugged, but I am so definitely not following you right now."

"Duo," he sighed, "I left you alone in here because I was afraid..." He struggled to continue as my mind clicked into place. Suddenly the discomfort I was in didn't register as much as it had. "Not because we were beginning to share our secrets, but because..." he hesitated again, "because you seemed so uncomfortable with it... I was afraid that, if I pushed..."

I sighed then, as well. "You know, Heero, I was scared, too." It was a lot easier to admit to my fear now that Heero had opened up. I told myself I wouldn't let it come to this anymore. I would be the one to speak up from now on, no matter how much it hurt me to. "I thought I'd chased you away."

He looked up, shocked, I think, to hear me say that. "Of course not!" he argued. "I was so happy... that I could finally hear your __true__ thoughts..."

I looked away, unable to bear that slightly-horrified look on his face as he tried to imagine what I was saying. "But..." I shook my head. "I thought, 'maybe this is too much.' I thought that I might have crossed a line somewhere, something that said I'd pushed too hard. You were trained not to feel. You couldn't have miraculously recovered-"

"And you were trained to always hide," he argued. "Just like me – we both hid who we were behind our... masks." I quirked a grin at him; I'd always called it a mask, a persona that I threw on when I needed it. I found it interesting that he'd done the same, whether for me or not. "I'm glad when I hear something from the real you, no matter how... painful... it is for me to learn. It's __you__."

I had to grin at him. "So why are you stupid again?"

His eyes clouded immediately. "Because I got into a petty squabble with you... and I could have lost you."

I blinked at him. That was why? He'd been scared to lose me without... I laughed. "'Squabble?'" I quoted. He glared at me. "Heero..." I raised my hand. Heero shouted a warning, but I ignored it and gently touched his cheek. "Thank you," I said finally. "For coming back to me."

Heero closed his eyes and leaned into my hand, not enough to put weight on it, but enough for it to curve around his face just right. "Always," he promised.

I let my hand fall. It was shaking, and Heero would crow if he found out. "I'm sorry to get you involved in all this," I told him. "I made so many enemies out there... it was stupid of me to become a bounty hunter, to make a life like I did. Now I've put you all in danger."

"Duo." Heero reached out to touch, then pulled back and ran that hand through his hair. "We've racked up our share of enemies-"

"Not the same," I argued, even though I knew he already knew that. "Plus, just knowing Black Strike is here is enough to get them to come. With me injured, there might as well be a flashing neon sign saying, 'come kill me!'" I laughed at the thought. Heero didn't seem to think it was all that funny, though.

"Then I'll kill them all."

I looked up in shock to see, not the Perfect Soldier's face, but __my__ Heero's face, staring at the window. "What...?"

"Let's get you out of this room," he said brusquely, standing up. Then he leaned down to pick me up again.

Let's get this straight: when he picked me up, it would be because I couldn't pick __myself__ up. His hands were thoroughly obsessed with not hurting me, and his gundanium arms were able to hold me easily. All that didn't change the fact that I got really, really disturbed when Heero was all around me and his scent was invading my very pores and I could __feel__ him like this. What was humiliating was that I was far too injured to follow up on my senses' desires. My doctor, when I had asked him (God, my face had been red), had said it may take a few weeks, maybe a couple of months. Shoot me.

So Heero carried me over into __his__ room and damned if I didn't almost freak out when he placed me in his bed and pulled the covers down. "Let me see your wounds."

I gave him a half-crazed look and mutely shook my head.

He sighed. "Duo, you're bleeding."

Yeah. That would probably be because I pulled some stitches. I was __not__ looking forward to telling my doctor that. "U-Uh..."

Heero's lips quirked. "We'll worry about that sort of thing later."

I flushed so hard I think I steamed.

He chuckled at me and deftly ran his hands over my stomach. The muscles jumped like they'd been burned. I hissed. "Sorry," he murmured. Then he lifted the shirt and I felt something completely different try ineffectually to stir. How humiliating.

His inspection didn't pause, so I guessed the stitches there were fine. Thank goodness. But when he got to my leg – courtesy of Greaves – he stopped.

And then he said it: "shit."

"That bad, huh?" I quipped, but he was silent.

Finally Heero pulled his head up and stared at me. There was no doubt that his stare was assessing. Waiting. "Duo... how many enemies did you make?"

I thought about it. "Did you hear about all of the missions Une gave me?"

Heero nodded.

"Well..." I thought about it for a second. "Those were usually the most dangerous, but they only counted for about a quarter of my jobs." I shrugged as Heero hissed. Later on, it had been normal for me to get a job a month – pretty damn lucrative – from Une alone. "Hey, man, I was the best out there. Period."

Heero's eyes clenched in worry. "Dammit..."

I laughed, though my chest felt claustrophobic. "Yeah, it __was__ kinda stupid..."

Then Heero's eyes turned sad and glared at the sheets. I almost expected them to go up in flames. "You..." He shook his head. "I'll get this fixed; they're just pulled a bit. I doubt you want to get ripped a new one by your doctor."

I beamed at him, relieved. "Yeah. Being in mortal peril wouldn't be a good enough excuse for him."

Heero looked about ready to say something again, but he swallowed it back and left to get the med kit in the bathroom. I watched him go with a frown stuck on my lips. I was scaring him. And why not? I'd made his life miserable. I had to find a way to stop all this.

For that, I had to be able to recover. And quick. There was no time left.

* * *

* * *

****[** ** ****Two Years Ago** ** ****]** **

Three blasts, all in quick succession. Their echoes had hardly died down when voices filled the air.

"Oh my God!"

"What happened?"

"What's going on?"

"Why are they fighting? The war's over!"

"Heero!"

Footsteps slammed into the ground. "Heero! Are you all right?" And someone touched his shoulder.

He took in a careful breath. "Wufei..."

Those hands ran over his body. "It's okay." Wufei sighed loudly in relief. "It worked, you crazy bastard. I nicked his wrist just enough for it to miss any organs. He's definitely dead. Good job."

Heero shook his head. He didn't care about the bastard he'd shot through the forehead or the pain lancing up and down his chest. His hands balled into fists. "Wufei..."

"Hm? Yes? What is it, Heero?"

Blindly Heero snagged the man's shirt. "Wufei... there's no way... Duo..."

He felt it. Wufei immediately tensed, almost as if spasming. "No, we can't think like that," he said firmly, but Heero knew Wufei too well. He heard the same desperate fear in Wufei's voice. Because his partner had seen it, too – how impossible it would have been for one of them to survive against that man all on their own.

"He can't," Heero gasped. "He __can't__..."

"Heero, I'm calling an ambulance," Wufei said firmly. Heero distinctly heard the cell phone being flipped open, the terse instructions. But he didn't care. None of it mattered.

Because Duo... Duo couldn't have survived.

He almost screamed at the pain of it, the feel of his heart ripping to shreds, clawed by pain and horror. He clutched at it and gratefully succumbed to darkness.

* * *

****[** ** ****Present** ** ****]** **

Heero got a call from Une the next morning.

It went something like this:

" _ _Commander Une."__

" _ _Yuy, you and Maxwell are to get your asses over here__ now _ _."__

" _ _He's injured."__

" _ _Then I'll give him an extra ten minutes in case he has to crawl."__

Or something to that effect.

So Heero picked me up like I was some sort of blushing bride – or at least the __blushing__ half – and carried me out of the house and to his car, and we went to Preventors HQ. I believe we made it to, oh, the parking lot before we got into a fight.

"You aren't carrying me in there," I snapped, not giving an inch.

"Duo, you aren't-"

"I said no! I'm not going in there hanging in your arms like some sort of – Heero, dammit, I said no!"

But Heero ignored me, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening his door. I grabbed my seatbelt like a lifeline and glared through my window. He opened the door and glared at me. "You can't walk, Duo."

"Fuck you," I retorted.

Something odd flashed in those eyes. I was disturbed that it wasn't anger, but instead something I couldn't easily categorize. "Now."

"No," I continued stubbornly. My arm was starting to hurt like a motherfucker for clenching the seatbelt too hard. "I'm not going in there like an invalid."

"Duo," Heero sighed, "You __are__ an invalid."

"And would __you__ like that broadcast to anyone with eyes if you were like this?"

Heero hesitated. "No."

I tilted my head back in defiance.

"But," he said immediately, "but doesn't change the fact that you are no condition to-"

"I can make it to the elevator, Heero," I argued. And then sudden inspiration. "Besides, we're in the open here. If you carried me, you wouldn't be able to use your gun."

Heero's eyes flashed. He scowled. "Fine. You win."

I allowed a grim smile before unclenching my hands and unbuckling my seatbelt. Of course my body was stiff as a tree, and I almost fell once I put my full weight on my legs, but hell if I was accepting the hand Heero held out for me. I distinctly heard him sigh as I walked forward.

It was, I admit, a miracle that I managed to make it into the elevator, and I couldn't help but slide to the floor once we were alone inside of it.

"Duo." Heero knelt immediately beside me. "Are you all right?"

I could say yes, but it would be a bold-faced lie. "Uh..."

"Fuck," he breathed. "I'll kill her."

I blinked at him in surprise.

He very, very gently picked me up with a hand on my good arm and tenderly touched my waist. I almost screamed as his hesitant fingers touched my stitches. He felt my flinch and hissed. "Sorry," he whispered.

I said nothing, just kept my weight off my bad leg. Crutches were, after all, impossible with an arm and stomach wound. And I hadn't allowed for a wheelchair. Uh-uh.

After forever, the door opened and the hall leading to Une's office loomed ahead. It was pathetic to be walking down the familiar hall with Heero's arms as my only (and tenuous) balance, biting back a wince with every step.

Une was behind her desk when Heero pushed open the door – with, I noticed, a bit more force than was required – and working on some papers. "Well, I see you made it."

Heero ignored her and helped me to a seat. Despite my best efforts, I winced when I settled down. Only then did Heero sit in his own chair and look over to Une, acknowledging her existence. I didn't need to look over to know that Heero was the Perfect Soldier right now. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the glare in Heero's eyes. Damn but he was pissed.

Une merely cocked a brow. "Yes, Yuy?"

"You realize that you have called Black Strike here despite his injuries and the number of assassins hunting him."

It wasn't a question.

Une steepled her fingers and leaned her elbows on her desk. "That is exactly why I called you two here." She turned to me. I made an effort to block the pain from my eyes. "Black Strike – no, Duo Maxwell – you understand what my calling you here means, don't you?"

My heart skipped – fuck. Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that little promise I'd made to her. It had been, after all, almost three years ago. I held my breath. "Yes."

Heero was giving me an inquiring look. I very carefully did not turn his way.

Une, too, didn't take her eyes off of mine. "Obviously, their safety is being put into question."

I nodded. It was a very old promise, one made when she, in turn, had promised to keep my identity a secret. "You broke your promise first," I told her.

Her lips thinned.

"What are you two talking about?" Heero demanded.

Une turned to Heero. I expected her to ask him to leave. I didn't expect her to explain. "Duo and I made a promise a long time ago, shortly after he and I began... working together."

I looked away from Heero when he sent me another look.

His tone firmed even more. "And that promise?"

"In return for my keeping Duo's identity a secret," Une started.

I cut in. "In return-" Heero's eyes swept back to me "-I keep my enemies away from her subordinates."

Heero froze for a second almost still-frame, before surging to his feet and glaring at Une. "Is this why you called us down?" he asked quietly.

Une didn't flinch, but I plainly saw her tense. "Yes, it's the main reason."

Heero's fists clenched. "You were the one to show us Black Strike's identity. You ordered us to go with him and protect him on a mission against one of these 'enemies.'"

"I know," she said, but he didn't give her time to continue.

"And yet now you demand he leave?"

Une shook her head. "No. Or at least not permanently. However, while my agents are being attacked and their homes destroyed-"

"I don't care about that."

I glared at him. "Well I do." But I was ignored.

"You are on leave because of this, drastically diminishing the power of my staff."

"I'm only one man," Heero snapped.

"The one man who stopped the Libra from crashing into the Earth," Une snapped. "I need you __here__ , and I need you unharmed. If you're being attacked in your own home-"

"Enough," Heero hissed.

"She has a point," I began, but Heero spoke right over me.

"If I have to chain him to a wall, I will not let him leave again."

...what?

I must have made a strange noise, because suddenly Heero's focus was on me again, and he was kneeling by my chair. "Duo?"

I stared at him blankly. He was that desperate for me not to leave? I felt a rush of guilt so powerful it seemed to drown my chest. I'd hurt him so much...

"Agent Yuy, I'm ordering you-"

"If you try that bullshit, I'll quit."

I jerked. Heero hadn't even looked away from me. "Shit, Heero," I gasped, "don't be stupid."

Those eyes were hard. It was getting kind of uncomfortable, having Heero kneeling right there beside me with that kind of look on his face – like nothing could possibly be more important than me. I blushed. "Shut up, Duo."

I glared at him. That had effectively ruined the mood. "No, __you__ shut up. Your house is being destroyed because-"

"I don't give a damn," he informed me blithely. I goggled at him. "You can't fight these enemies as you are, and there's no way in hell I'm letting you leave. Besides, it's as you said." Those eyes didn't flicker from mine for one second. It was truly like I was drowning in them. Sometimes, like now, it truly struck me just how beautiful those eyes could be, swirling with emotions. "You didn't break the promise. She did."

Une made a snarling sound.

"I won't let him leave," Heero said again. "Was there anything else you called us for?"

I couldn't look away to see Une's exact reaction, but there was definitely some glare being thrown at us from over there. "One more thing."

"Make it quick," Heero advised. I doubted many could get away with speaking like that to their boss.

"Fine. Maxwell, Caribol, as you know, if after you. How much do you know about the organization?"

My back hurt. And my stomach. I wondered if one could get bed sores from a chair. Probably. "They're an elite faction, one apparently still maintaining great power even though it is one of the five who's leaders I… __we__ took out. They predominantly traffic drug cartel."

Une pinched the bridge of her nose. "Correct on all accounts. And the report on Greaves?"

Why wasn't Heero looking away from me? It was uncomfortable speaking to Une when those eyes were boring into mine. I cleared my throat and pulled my gaze from his before I forgot how to breathe. "U-Um, well, he'd been sent by Caribol to kill me-"

Heero flinched.

"-but he didn't succeed and he ran away," I added hastily. "And he said something about having been enhanced...?"

"Yes, apparently both genetically and mechanically."

I had to blink once before Une's words managed to sink in. "Wait," I gasped, "like... cyborg?" Ew.

"A bit, yes." Une steepled her fingers and leaned in once more. "Maxwell, your mission against Caribol had been to take down their leader."

I nodded. "That's right. And I had." I knew __that__ without a doubt because I'd seen the guy from only about three meters away while checking out the giant fucking house.

She nodded. "Our men took down the most of their men then, but apparently a few had escaped."

"Of course," I stated sourly.

"These few were the scientists, apparently. They used many people for experimentation and engineering." Une turned to Heero then, "Yuy, listen up." Heero reluctantly turned to her. "Greaves wasn't the only one we saw with enhancements."

Heero's lips thinned as he thought. Suddenly he tensed. "You don't mean..."

Une nodded. "That's right."

Now it was my turn to watch the two talk and not understand a word. I immediately understood Heero's irritation earlier.

"But how?" Heero asked. "Back then, Caribol hadn't been destroyed."

Une shrugged. "But you remember his words, don't you? They mirrored what Maxwell said Greaves spoke of. Moreover, the report of Greaves' abilities has led our Analysis Specialists to believe that the two were likely made by the same company."

Heero hissed.

I tried. I tried very hard. That didn't make my tone any less accusatory. "So when are we going to inform the cripple?"

Heero turned back to me looking slightly chagrined. But then his face changed, like he was in pain. "Duo, remember what I'd told you? About the man who'd said he'd killed you?"

I stilled. "So... wait." I turned to Une then, too. "You think the guy had been used by Caribol?"

Une shrugged. "Why not?"

I shook my head. "Coincidences like that don't actually happen."

"That's why I want __you__ to look into it." She turned to Heero.

I nodded. Damn, my stomach was really starting to __hurt__. "If he and Wufei-"

"You can't be serious," Heero snapped. "Absolutely not – Duo would be without protection-"

"Did I say you and Wufei?" Une demanded. "I said just __you__."

Now I balked. "Then what the hell did you give them partners for?!"

She turned on me with a glare. "Are you going to argue over every single order I issue? I am short a hand because of your injuries, and Caribol's scientists are not to be taken lightly. Now shut up, dammit." And with that, she turned away from me. "Yuy, either do something about this or let Maxwell go, because I am not losing my best men to this unmitigated disaster." She rose. "Now, the two of you, get the hell out of my office."

I stood. "I can still fight," I snapped.

She passed me a sardonic look while Heero growled a quick denial. "Then make yourself useful," she advised.

"Duo, if you even think about fighting," Heero warned.

I turned on him and swallowed back a wince. Standing was hard. "I'm not going to lay back while you and Wufei fight my battles!"

"It's __our__ battle, too!" he snapped.

"No, it's not! And even if it was, you still can't fight them all on your own, and isn't Quatre kind of banned from breathing the same air as me?"

"We can handle this on our own-"

"That's stupid!"

Une slammed her hand on her desk, making us both jump slightly. " ** _Get out!_** "

* * *

I fell unceremoniously back into bed and closed my eyes, utterly exhausted. Heero had switched my room after the destruction of the last one, having, apparently, two guest rooms. The hell was with this house?

"Duo."

I moaned a little, acknowledging his presence.

Heero chuckled, seemingly despite himself, and sat on the bed. I cracked an eye open. Heero was hesitating, looking down at the floor. I sighed. "What?"

Those eyes speared me to the bed. "You won't... do anything reckless... will you?"

I laughed. "Me? Never."

Those lips twitched. "Somehow I find that hard to believe."

I grinned. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Heero opened his mouth to argue, then clamped it shut and glared at me. "You're doing it again," he accused.

Evading. I sighed. "Of course I am, Heero." I carefully touched my stomach; it felt like pure fire. "Because she's right-"

"There you go with that martyr bullshit!" Heero snapped. It made me jump, which pulled my stitches like a fucker. I hissed. Heero immediately calmed his voice. "I can't stand it," he started again. His hand touched mine, laying it still on my stomach, infinitely careful. "Neither of you understand. Seeing you like this, hurt... it makes me feel..." Heero seemed to struggle for a moment before he could say it. "Helpless."

I gave him a confused look.

He sighed and released my hand, letting his run through his hair. For a second, a lock stuck straight up before falling into its usual unruly pattern. "How many times will I have to say this before it sinks into that damn stupid skull of yours? I. Love. You. No, don't look away." He lifted my head, forced me to look back into those eyes. "I love you. I'll say it forever, every minute of the day if I have to. I cannot lose you. I refuse. If I have to kill every single criminal on this planet, I will, despite how much I detest having to do so." That gaze was demanding I accept his words. "I __cannot__ feel that way again."

 _ _That way__. Meaning, of course, the way he'd felt when he and the others had believed I had died. I grimaced. "I'm sorry."

My words seemed to confuse him. "What?"

I shifted, slightly uncomfortable. He was, after all, leaning over me while I lied on my back on the bed. I couldn't help but blush and thank God I still couldn't react... even though that, too, was embarrassing. "I'm sorry," I repeated dumbly. Because none of his pain would have existed if I had just sucked it up and stayed. His agony was __my__ fault.

Heero searched my eyes, looking for the reasons why. I carefully guarded myself, too tired to go through the battle I knew we would have. He sighed, defeated. "All right." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. It was stupid to let such a small motion move me so much. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you for lunch."

I nodded and closed my eyes. It was a while before the feeling of his eyes on me faded and the soft click of the door announced his departing.

* * *

* * *

Caribol.

My newest enemy, and one I couldn't afford to underestimate. It wasn't because of the fact that I might as well be a vegetable. No, I didn't really care about that. Not compared to the __real__ concern.

"Duo?"

I winced at the sound of his voice. More than ever, I wished I had chosen a different path. But when before I'd wished I hadn't returned, I'd begun to wish I'd never left to begin with. All of these problems wouldn't exist. And moreover...

"Come on in, Heero."

And of course there was food on a tray in Heero's hands. I didn't let my sadness show in my eyes, knowing Heero would pounce on it. It had been two days since Une had called us to her office and told Heero to get moving, but I knew without a doubt that he was getting ready to go. I'd feigned injury just to keep him here for a bit longer. Pathetic? Yes. But it gave me a couple more days to fuel my reserves. I wouldn't let him go alone.

He sat the tray on the nightstand beside me and, as usual, sat on the edge of the bed. "How are you?" he asked, continuing the ritual he'd started.

I didn't shrug, though I thought I could without too much pain. I didn't want him to know yet just how far I'd progressed. "I'm fine," I told him, knowing very well he equated those words with pain and stoicism. Underneath my fear, I felt like a bastard for using him.

"How are you really?" he continued, checking my forehead for fever. I scowled at him, not liking the kiddie approach.

"Fine," I muttered. "I'm fine." I hadn't gotten any sores from being in Une's office, though the pain had been bad enough that sores were completely unnecessary at that point to get the point across. I wasn't recovered. Not by a long shot. And because of that...

And then my fears came to life. I saw the change in his expression immediately, because I'd been terrified of its eventual release for over forty-eight hours. His face got all pensive. A slight pucker was forming in-between those brows, just enough to make my heart go double-time. He was going to say it. He was going to leave me. To face an enemy of __mine__ , one he shouldn't have to worry about defeating.

"Please don't," I whispered.

As soon as I said it, I knew it was unfair. Heero went still on the bed, not even breathing. I felt worse than I had by using him. In that one sharp instant, I hated myself.

I mean, what was wrong with me? Heero went on missions like this all the time. Sure he had Wufei, but he'd gone on solo missions during the war and he'd come out without a fucking scratch. I was being a baby. A controlling baby. The kind of boyfriend that didn't let his love interest go out without him knowing where he or she was every minute. I was deranged.

So I backpedaled. Heero was still as a statue, unable, I think, to move yet. I took advantage of his continued silence. "Sorry," I blurted first. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I know it's your job. It's not like I doubt your abilities or anything. I'd have to be stupid to doubt those... well, maybe I am stupid, but I don't doubt them and I'm sure you'll be perfectly fine..."

But that was a lie, and we both knew it. If I was sure he'd be fine, I wouldn't have just begged him to stay. Jesus I was such an ass.

I charged through. "And, uh, I know you're a Preventor and that it's your job. And I have no problem with that. It's just that... I wish... I mean, knowing Wufei's there, that he's got your back... it makes me feel... easier." Like that made any sense.

Heero still didn't move. "You don't trust me to come back," he murmured, as if talking to the air. I didn't even see his lips move. But of course Heero The Perfect Soldier could speak without moving his lips.

I couldn't hide the flinch his words inflicted. Not because of the truth of the words – I'd already acknowledged that – but because of the image they placed in my head. I didn't want to imagine Heero in a puddle of blood. "That's not quite it," I whispered. "But... even if I had no injuries... wouldn't you be afraid, if I were the one going in alone?"

The silence was absolutely maddening. I wished I could just crack open Heero's skull and read the thoughts inside his brain. It would probably be entertaining enough to start a sitcom.

Finally he sighed and moved out of that stone-frozen stance. "Yes," he admitted. "I would."

I sighed, too, in relief. Yet my heart was burdened. "But you're going."

"Yes."

I shivered and was oddly thankful that I didn't flinch in pain. I couldn't make him wait any longer. But at least I could stand up – probably. "You won't go alone," I said firmly.

"Duo-"

"No," I said quickly. "I mean, even though Quatre's not allowed around me, and I highly doubt Trowa would like being away from him just in case he tried to come see me again, wouldn't it be okay if he went with you?"

Heero blinked at me. "Duo, Quatre is a representative of the colonies. He can't go near a-"

Fuck that," I snapped. "It's better to go together, right? Trowa can tag along and Quatre can have all the protection in the Universe." I was certain I was sounded like an asshole. "I don't care __what__ it takes, Yuy. You're coming back safe."

Heero imitated a deer for a moment before smiling brilliantly at me. Almost too fast for me to follow, he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I love you, too," he breathed, warming my skin. I shivered.

Then the subject was dropped and Heero lifted me up and helped me eat. He quirked me a brow when I gave up and simply grabbed the spoon on my own. I blushed furiously and didn't meet his gaze. There was another sigh, but Heero's eyes were smiling, so I knew I wasn't in trouble.

When I was done and laid back down and Heero had left the room with the tray, I found myself staring up at the ceiling and wondering what the hell I was going to do. Heero was about to enter a battle he shouldn't have to fight. Scratch that; Heero was about to enter __another__ battle he shouldn't have to fight. And I couldn't stop it because I was too weak to fight it myself.

Moreover, Caribol was apparently taking fighters and warping them via engineering and possibly technology. Who was the man who had said he'd killed me? What was he like? How hard had he been to defeat? Heero had said they'd needed to work together to defeat him, but that could be Heero being modest, trying to explain away why they'd all thought someone had killed me. But no, Heero didn't exaggerate an enemy's strengths or weaknesses. No, usually he was disgustingly blunt.

So Caribol had an unknown number of incredibly strong superhumans at its beck and call, and we were trapped with two Preventors agents and an invalid. And maybe, if Trowa saw fit to grace our presence, a couple other fighters who were estranged from the others.

If I were a weaker soul, I would have wept for the hopelessness of it all.

Instead I planned.

I knew I had maybe a day at most before Heero went jumping off into the battle. The next visit from Wufei would be longer than usual. I shortened that expectation to that night, knowing Heero would be hyped to go now that he and I had completed our not-fight over it. That gave me only a few hours.

I couldn't do much. I was trapped in a bed, for God's sake. But still there was __one__ thing I could do.

I'd already thought of doing it, but Heero might have a cow if I touched his laptop. I considered for a moment, then shrugged and sat up.

Need I describe the pain of using muscles that were stitched up? Maybe I was a masochist. A redundant masochist.

I dragged my sorry ass over to the door and opened it, knowing Heero would have already heard my footsteps padding across the floor. I ignored the sound of his own footsteps pounding below me and continued my little trek to his room. I wasn't at all surprised to see his laptop by his bed, open and waiting. I managed to sit down and put it in my lap before he slammed into the room. "Duo!" he snapped. I didn't even look up from the screen and I knew he was glaring murder at me.

"Hi, Heero," I said tiredly. My stomach hurt.

"Dammit, Duo, how many times are you going to-"

"I'll be leading you," I informed him primly.

That stopped him short. "You'll... what?"

I sighed, already typing away, hacking with all my might. "I'll be leading you through," I repeated.

I expected him to order me off his laptop. I expected perhaps a little sputtering or a speech about my recovery rate being entirely dependent on me not being stupid. I did not expect a sigh that sounded suspiciously like acceptance. "All right."

I almost dropped his precious laptop. I stared at him. "What?"

He came further into the room, hand trailing lightly on the door. "All right. I would feel better if you were watching over me," he admitted, though I couldn't tell if he would feel better about his safety or my sanity. It didn't matter either way.

It was stupid to need to kiss him, but suddenly I did. I couldn't explain it to anyone if I tried. All I knew was I needed his arms around me. I needed to __feel__ him. I think he saw, but I don't think he understood fully; he came over and kissed me lightly on the lips, just a small peck, and backed away. I didn't demand more.

"I'll go, then," he murmured, watching me.

How could I say what I was feeling then, right at that moment? That his kiss couldn't assure me of his reality or his strength. That seeing him standing there in front of me would torment me over the next hours as I waited to see him return to me safe from harm. That I didn't know if I had the courage to wait for someone I loved to die again, leaving me alone. That I wasn't as strong as he thought I was.

"All right" was all I said.

As soon as the door closed behind him, I had to focus to remember how to breathe.

* * *

I led him through, just as I'd said I would. As soon as Heero's car had disappeared down the drive, the door had opened and Wufei had introduced himself to the house at large. I'd called to him from Heero's room and had ignored him after that.

He sat beside me, silently watching, helpless as me. I didn't know what to do with him; he had, after all, gone farther than me in the relationship with Heero – at least physically. But he was still a trusted friend, someone who could, if not completely empathize, then at least understand my fear. Wufei was also oddly good at being silently companionable. There were times I took no notice of him other than a vague feeling of security, and other times I could feel his presence and could be nothing other than extremely grateful.

Speaking through some Preventors' equipment, I led him through a side entrance, then through a crack in the defenses and past about ten guards. I didn't bother asking Wufei why it was suddenly legal for a Preventor to go undercover in Caribol Headquarters when it hadn't been before. I had no time. I had to call up schedules, maps, codes. I skipped back and forth almost too quickly to comprehend, fingers flashing across the keys. I gave Heero clipped, terse directions and he gave me clipped, terse responses. I still couldn't breathe correctly, but I didn't have the time to try to remind myself how.

I don't quite know how it had happened. Everything was going smoothly, and I was moving on to the final code that would get Heero into the laboratories. According to the ID scanners, no one was inside this storage room at the moment. Yet as soon as I heard that last keystroke being entered into the system-

- _ _Bam! Bam!__

My heart seized in my chest. Breathing stopped altogether. I said nothing, knowing I could give away Heero's position if he'd managed to dodge and hide. Knowing also that I could give away information if he was captured. My hand hesitated over the link, wondering if I should cut it, remembering the unspoken rules during the war.

Wufei's hand covered mine. I turned to him, desperate, only to see him shake his head. His eyes were worried, though not as traumatically as my own. 'Liability,' I mouthed, as close as I could get to saying that I knew the old rules.

Wufei shook his head again. 'Not anymore.'

My hand shook in relief. We didn't have to worry about abandoning comrades anymore.

I stared down at the screen. It couldn't tell me anything, whether Heero was safe or whether he was... I clenched my eyes shut. Not Heero. He was fucking invincible. Nothing could...

But I could still plainly see him lying dead on the ground, his Gundam in pieces around him, and I knew that wasn't true at all.

There was no sound from over the link, but it wasn't dead and I was eternally glad. That meant one of two things: one, Heero hadn't been caught yet, or two: they were trying to get a wire back to us to find out where we were. I had no problems with either. If Heero was fine, I was fine; if Heero was dead, so would they be.

I felt my lungs burn and reminded myself to breathe.

The silence continued for a few minutes more. I was completely still, afraid that any move I made might somehow give away Heero's position.

Then the silence exploded in sound. Three more gunshots sounded; suddenly I could hear Heero's breathing, harder than necessary. My fingers locked over the keyboard.

I was so thankful I might have cried when Wufei took the laptop and communicator from me. I clutched my stomach. Please, please don't let me throw up all over Heero's bed.

"Yuy," Wufei hissed, making me jump, "if you don't want Maxwell to do something stupid, win."

I turned a horrified stare at him as two more gunshots spilled over the speakers. What the hell kind of risk was that?

"I don't care," he muttered lowly to me. His eyes stared pointedly at my stomach. I couldn't even work up the energy to grin sheepishly at him.

Another gunshot, then two more. I cringed at each. I stared at the laptop desperately. Was there anything worse then sitting back and not knowing?

"Sorry about the wait," I heard Heero murmur, and I sagged in on myself. I shook with relief, almost so badly as to be likened to palsy. My breath sucked in so quickly it hurt.

"Yuy, you bastard," Wufei snapped good-naturedly, "what the hell were you doing?"

"You won't believe this," Heero muttered, "but I found... what I suppose would be a drop-off of... I suppose rejected experiments."

Wufei hissed. I cursed loudly. "Dammit, I should've seen that," I muttered. "Of course they would have fucked up first."

"How many?" Wufei asked grimly.

"Six. How's Duo?"

Wufei turned to me and cocked an eyebrow. I gave him a defiant look and straightened myself from my position. And winced.

"Idiot," Wufei snorted, "how do you think he is?"

Heero was silent for a moment. I took the chance to glare at Wufei. "I see," he said finally. "Duo, don't overdo it."

I scowled and snatched the communicator from Wufei's ear. "What the fuck are you talking about, Yuy?All you're letting me do is sit here on my ass. What could be more strenuous?"

"Just watch your stitches."

"Shut the fuck up, Mama-Yuy." I held my hand out for the laptop; with a stifled chuckle, Wufei handed it over. I clicked on the thing for a few moments, searching through until I found what I was looking for. "Heero, there are supposed to be twenty-three of what they call Defects within Storage Areas. Your gunshot probably set off internal alarms..." I ran through a couple links. "There. I've turned them off, called it in as a false alarm. You should be able to proceed. I'll give you as much of a berth around those areas as possible."

"All right." Silence. Then, "you know I'm coming back to you, right?"

I flinched. Such words should never be said in the middle of a mission. Things could turn sour, and then what? You'd be leaving the other with nothing more than a broken promise. "Just be ready for the worst, Heero."

He just sighed, not saying anything more.

I kept Heero strictly away from Storage Areas on the maps I pulled up and led him to the laboratories through an intricate little set-up that included four different access codes. Heero didn't utter a word of protest. We were back to the clipped answers and responses.

Heero plugged in the last set of codes for the lab. "Entering."

"Understood," I murmured. My palms were sweaty on the keys; I rubbed them on my pants leg in fear of somehow oiling up Heero's laptop. There was silence on his end, silence I wasn't very confident in. I waited tensely for something to happen.

"Jesus."

"What?" I asked quickly, leaning into the laptop as if Heero's voice was coming from there and not the communicator. "What's going on?"

"Jesus," he said again. "I can't even count them all..."

"The enhanced humans?" Wufei asked, aghast.

"Yes," Heero whispered. I wished I could see what he was seeing. I wished I knew just what he was up against. Wished I could __do something__. "Some are adult men, some just... pieces. Some are no more than infants..."

"Jesus," Wufei echoed.

I couldn't even imagine what he was seeing. Infants? Pieces? Like what? I imagined those old science fiction movies, the ones with hands and feet and eyeballs in jars. Was that what Heero was seeing? I tried to imagine cyborgs sleeping in tubes and shook my head. It was too bizarre to imagine.

I began typing for information, trying to find out just what was in those laboratories. I hadn't managed to start on the first encryption before my screen started flashing. An alarm broke out over the communicator. "Heero." I backed out of the encryption files and tried to hack off the alarm, but it wasn't a normal alarm. "What's going on?"

"Shit!"

Heero never cursed on a mission.

My heart went into hyper-mode again. I forgot once again how to breathe. "Heero?!"

"They're waking up!" he snapped. "The tubes are draining – I have to get out of here."

His voice went from desperate to emotionless. He was the Prefect Soldier. And I was freezing up. I glared at the monitor. The exits would be blocked off. A new code would be needed. I needed to find it. Now.

"I'm getting the codes," I told him. "Do whatever you have to to live. Do you understand me?"

I was asking him to slaughter. I felt my hands tremble. "Understood. I won't break my promise, Duo."

And I heard his gun fire once, twice, three times. I turned off the silent alarm almost before it turned on. If the alarm continued going off, things would get bad. But for now...

"Come on, come on," I muttered. Another gunshot. Heero was silent again – he was always silent when he fought. It always managed to terrify me. How could anyone know whether he was alive or not?

Gunshots were coming more rapidly now, and I knew that somehow at least one of the tubed people had gotten hold of a weapon. Heero was still silent as a tomb. I strained my ears for sounds of his breathing, maybe a sound of a grunt or short cry that would tell me what I was praying I wouldn't be told.

I finally hacked into the code. "Heero – 15B7GJ81B. I repeat – one, five, Beta, seven, Gamma, Juliet, eight, one, Beta."

"Understood."

Then I could only wait tensely for the gunshots to end, for Heero to come back to me, safe and sound. I could only sit down, useless as a lump of clay, and wait. "Through the northeast exit. Ten meters down, a window to your right-"

But I didn't get the chance to finish; something smashed into the room through Heero's window. Wufei snatched me up, still holding the laptop, and threw us into the hallway. A second later, the world exploded.

* * *

* * *

My ears rang for so long I feared I’d lost part of my hearing. I couldn’t breathe, but now because of the excrutiating pain in my stomach, bad enough to choke me. I gasped for air.

"Duo? Duo, answer me! What happened over there?!"

Heero? Should he be yelling? I didn't think he should be yelling. Wasn't he escaping?

"Duo, we need to move!" Wufei shouted in my ear.

I struggled to get my bearings. Wufei was right; we needed to get out of here. Whatever that explosion had been – grenade or Molotov cocktail, we couldn't lay around waiting for the next one to come busting through. "Heero," I panted, "get yourself somewhere safe – don't return to the house."

"I already __am__ somewhere safe, now tell me what the fuck happened!"

"We've been targeted," Wufei said grimly. He pulled me up, not giving a damn at the moment that he was pulling my bad arm and my stomach muscles, nor that he was making me put my weight on my injured leg. We didn't have the time for such niceties.

He tugged me forward, down the stairs and to a window on the other side of the house. Then he pushed me against the wall and carefully checked to see if the coast was clear. I concentrated on not screaming in pain.

"Let's go," he murmured lowly, and opened the window. In half a second he was outside. I wasn't as graceful. It took me about three seconds, and even with that I almost fell on my ass. Wufei grabbed me and held me up. "Come on," he whispered in my ear, and we were running again, his hand around my wrist, making a break for Heero's neighbor's yard, fenced in by hedgerows.

"What do you mean, you've been targeted?" I heard, and was surprised to see the communicator dangling from Wufei's neck.

"Don't return to the house," Wufei reiterated, then, "now shut up."

At least, I thought gratefully, Heero was somewhere safe. Now I just needed to make sure my weakness didn't get Wufei killed.

We made it to the hedgerows just as two men saw us. Yelling, one pulled his arm back and let it fly.

"Jump!" Wufei ordered.

I didn't give myself time to think about it: about how my leg muscles would bunch, potentially ripping the stitches in my leg, about how my stomach muscles would pull __those__ stitches taut, or how I'd probably by landing very poorly, ripping __something__. I specifically didn't think about either Heero's face or Mr. Zencroft, my physical sadist. I just jumped.

And I was right on all accounts – my leg felt like it was on fire after I landed; the pain in my stomach wasn't worth mentioning __again__. And I landed straight on my injured side – fucking __ow.__

But I managed an ungraceful roll just as the hedgerows burst into flames. I stumbled back. Wufei caught my shirt and wrenched me up, and we were running again. I heard more shouting from behind us, then footsteps, and knew we were being pursued. I wished for the old days for just one second, wished I had Deathscythe waiting for me. Wished there were contact points already mapped out. Wished...

But I had no time to dwell on our lack of contingencies. Wufei was making sure not to pull ahead of me, which made him lose time. I begged for Shinigami to return to me, to take me away, to make the pain insignificant. And, thank God – or whoever – he did. Finally.

"Come on, 'Fei," he panted, pulling ahead, "keep up."

He seemed surprised for just a second, but then he smirked. "Shut the hell up, Maxwell. You know very well I've only been giving you a pity run."

I barked a laugh. "Sure, tough guy. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

He pushed forward then, flicking a glance behind us. I did the same. The men were definitely chasing us, but a couple of them were beginning to lag behind. A few had what looked like bottles in their hands. The cocktails, then. I grinned maniacally. If we kept going at this pace, they wouldn't even get the chance to throw those things.

And they didn't. After less than a dozen blocks, they were long behind us. The last pathetic straggler gave up then. "They're probably burning down Heero's house," Wufei said grimly. "Preventors will pay for it, but..."

I didn't have the breath to curse. Shinigami had left, unable to maintain his danger-induced high. My legs simply stopped moving. I fell to the ground like a rock and just stayed there. I had no desire to move ever again.

"Duo!"

Wufei immediately returned to me and knelt by my side. "Shit," he murmured, apparently only just now taking a good look at me. "Shit, Duo, you're bleeding."

And that apparently was more than Heero could take. "What the fuck's going on?"

He sounded pissed. I wondered if I could muster up the energy to answer, but I just couldn't make myself care at that moment. We were safe. There was nothing to talk about.

"I believe Maxwell's pulled some of his stitches," Wufei answered, taking the matter out of my hands. I watched him as he put the communicator up to his ear. "His leg and side are bleeding badly."

I distinctly heard Heero's curse. "How is he?"

"Fine," I answered.

"Bad," Wufei said at the same time. "We ran eleven blocks," he told Heero while I glared at him. "I wasn't paying attention to anything but our pursuit. I'm sorry for that."

There was a short silence. "What position is he in?" I heard Heero ask.

"He's on the ground. He's conscious, but he isn't moving," Wufei told him.

"I can hear you two," I hissed, letting him know I wasn't appreciating being talked over. He ignored me.

"We're going to Preventors'," Wufei told him grimly. "Meet us there."

I struggled to stand again. When Wufei held out a hand to help me, I brushed it off. He only shook his head and stood protectively beside me.

"Are you sure he can make the trip?" I heard Heero ask.

Wufei snorted. "You know, I'm beginning to think Maxwell's right – you __are__ a Mama-Yuy."

It made me grin. I held out my hand for the communicator. Wufei only leaned it toward me, but that was enough. I leaned in. "Fuck you, Yuy!" I called pleasantly. "You just worry about yourself, Mr. Martyr, and leave us professionals alone."

"Professionals?" Heero repeated. "Meaning you?"

His classically cynical tone made me laugh. "We're leaving now," I told him.

"Be careful," he warned.

"Aye-aye, Mama-Yuy," I said with a salute, and leaned back, away from the communicator. Wufei rolled his eyes at me.

"Let's go." He started off in a slight jog. It was interesting, getting those muscles of mine to move, muscles a bit lax after their days of disuse, and ignore the pain pulling my nerves all along my body. Wufei didn't say anything about my drunken progress, but it made me want to scream. My injured arm just kind of swung back and forth, almost like a club. A club being tossed around by a half-dead monkey. My uninjured arm was occupied with holding my torso together, and my injured leg made me stumble whenever I put weight on it. I couldn't even imagine how I looked, a drunk guy in the middle of the day bleeding all over people's lawns. If my sight hadn't been so blurry, I probably would have gotten the chance to see some truly interesting stares.

I let the time pass by in little waves of concrete slab and weedy lawns. I saw a little kid weeding a garden with what looked to be a grandmother, and what I thought was a man in a Speedo biking down a highway. He was not good looking.

Wufei and I didn't talk, either, but rather let the time roll by until I think he'd had enough my breathing like an asthmatic. "Dammit, Duo, if you're having a hard time, tell me. We'll take a quick break."

"Wufei," I panted, trying for the honesty route, "if I stop, I won't start again."

He slipped back into silence then, just letting us continue running.

And then finally, blessedly, the Preventors building, tall enough to rival skyscrapers, loomed into view. We still had a few more blocks to go, but just seeing it glaring down at me made my chest a little lighter.

And then when I saw Heero coming up towards us, I practically flew.

"Duo!"

How many times was that man going to call my name like I was about to keel over dead? Although I supposed I'd given him all of those chances.

Heero zipped right past Wufei – yeah, I'll admit that made me happy – and immediately leaned up against me, taking my weight from me. I almost fell to the ground again. "Duo!"

"I'm okay," I managed, though my breathing was so heavy and labored I had to wonder if he even heard me. Whether he did or not didn't matter, because he was __lifting__ me into his arms. I think I managed a gasp of protest before I fell bonelessly against him.

"Shit," I heard him say.

"Let's hurry," Wufei advised, and Heero must have nodded because we were moving. He was a thousand times gentler with his strides, trying not to hurt me, but at that point I was in so much pain he could have put me on a rodeo bull and it wouldn't have mattered. If there was a limit to how much pain a body could feel, I thought I might have reached it. I just kind of lolled there in his arms like a rag doll. If I'd had the energy, I would have been humiliated.

"We're here," Wufei said finally. His breath sounded almost ragged with relief.

"No, not there – the back entrance."

And if I'd had the energy, I would have kissed Heero for making sure Headquarters didn't see me like this.

They were silent for a time while they made their way to the side entrance, usually preserved for undercover agents on report, and went inside and into the elevator. Heero didn't put me down once – not that I could have stood on my own, but still. I stayed silent and let my blush and glare tell Heero exactly what I thought of this. He only bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'm glad you're okay," he said simply, then was once again silent. I stared at him in shock, which must have looked interesting because Wufei snorted.

Une was already by the elevator, arms crossed and foot tapping, when it opened on her floor. "Just what the fuck happened?" she demanded before we were even outside the elevator. One look at me and her scowl deepened. He eyes snapped to Heero. "Well?"

"I was on an infiltration and reconnaissance mission," Heero began, but I butted in. Heero's detailed report would take too fucking long.

"Heero went to Caribol and Caribol came to Wufei and me," I told her. "Wufei said something about Preventors paying for Heero's house?"

She turned her glare to me. "Of course," she said prissily. "That does not change the fact that these men have officially destroyed-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. What do you want to do about it?" I pressed. "If I had, say, a huge-ass Gundam or something, I could just crush the little fuckers. But I don't think it's available at the moment."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "My office, please."

"Commander, Maxwell needs medical attention," Wufei spoke up, though they both followed her to her office, anyway.

"He'll be taken to our facility in a bit. Yuy, report."

And Heero began his long, detailed shpiel and sat down in one of the chairs, trying to be as gentle as possible. I just concentrated on not screaming.

For his part, he spoke so quickly I wondered if Une could even understand what he was saying. And he held me as carefully as possible, and he kept looking down at me, gaging, I think, the loss of blood, or maybe my awareness. And when he finished, he stood.

"You might as well get comfortable," Une snapped. Somewhere about halfway through Heero's speech, Une had taken to rolling her thumbs over her temples and scowling at the air. I guessed she was in a bad mood. "We need to take our own measures. Yuy."

Heero tensed just a tiny bit. It was enough to make butterflies warp in my stomach, for my own body to tense in response, as well.

"You need to go back. Cause a-"

"No!" I snapped. She looked down her nose at me, her eyes hard. I was absolutely certain my returning glare was ruined by my position. I didn't let that stop me. "Heero isn't going back. That place was-"

"They would never believe he would return so soon," she argued logically. "And we'll need a distraction to get you and Chang to one of our hidden safehouses and near a facility."

They still had safehouses?

"Yuy." She turned back to him. "Cause a distraction. Attack those defects, perhaps. But cause enough of a distraction that they don't watch us too carefully. No sneaking around – go for maximum damage. When you return, I will tell you where I've sent those two." Heero said nothing, shocked, I think, by her decision. "Right now, I have two fighters who are only half-able to fight because they're worried about their fallen comrade," she barked. "How useful does that sound to you?"

I looked up to Heero, certain he would take offense to that 'half-able to fight' remark. But I saw him smile tightly; it would have looked to others like a thinning of the lips. "Understood."

"What?" I argued. "No. No! Absolutely not. Are you crazy? You got in serious trouble in there last time! What if-"

"Duo, don't be dense. This needs to be done."

I scowled at Heero. If I didn't get to finish a fucking sentence, then how could I show him how insanely stupid this plan was?

"Yuy, you shouldn't do this alone," Wufei stated plainly. "If your goal is to cause mayhem, you will quickly become the focus of enemy attacks-"

"I can handle that without a problem," Heero cut in.

"- _ _and I don't care if you can handle them__ ," Wufei growled back, not letting himself be interrupted. I shot him a grin for the victory. "This is about having all three of us working together. Maxwell may be bleeding all over Une's carpet, but that doesn't mean he can't take care of himself. He's had worse injuries-"

"He's still not in top form," Heero protested.

"- _ _and would you stop interrupting me__?!" he shouted. "Do not be stupid, Yuy! This is a major organization. This plan the two of you have concocted is an accident waiting to happen!"

"Be that as it may, Chang," Une cut in smoothly, "you will still be escorting Black Strike to safety. He is the one they're after. That means Yuy, if captured, would not be immediately killed. Which also means he would have plenty of time to escape. What makes you think he wouldn't be able to?"

Wufei growled. "Maybe because you kept us successfully imprisoned for months."

"And in training I taught you how to escape from that," she said primly. I gawked. The hell?! She hadn't told me! I'd been in there too, dammit!

Wufei snorted. "You gave us your password!"

"I gave you the password __algorithm__ ," she corrected. "Yuy, be quick on this. Three hours will be plenty of time. I'll expect you to report in then."

"Aa." He stood, still with me in his arms. Then he turned to Wufei and held me out a bit. "Would you-?"

"Oh, __hell__ no," I muttered, squirming. He frowned but let me stand on my feet. I hardly registered for pain for the fear beating a furious tattoo in my chest. "You can't," I argued again. "It's reckless and stupid. You keep telling __me__ not to do anything reckless and stupid!"

"I'm not being reckless."

"Bullshit!" Oh shit, I was swaying. Wufei came up from behind me and gently held me up. Without being able to help it, I ended up putting up a good amount of weight on him. This would not necessarily help my case. "Heero, you can't think that you'll be able to-"

"That is enough, Strike," Une snapped. "Right now, you are in no position to be giving out orders. These are __my__ men. My __best__ men. Do you think I would overestimate their abilities and risk losing them?"

I turned on her, almost falling out of Wufei's arms in the process. "Even during the __war__ we didn't do shit this dangerous!"

Une surged to her feet and slammed her hands on the desk. "I have been unable to get Barton and Winner on the phone!" she snapped. "None of my other officers are able to get through the front door of Caribol's Headquarters and __you__ look like a talking corpse. This is the only viable option. I will not take any more of your lip, Maxwell!"

I blinked.

"Well, Yuy? Why are you still standing here? And Chang, I __know__ you're taking him out of here before he stains any more of my carpet. It's not cheap."

"Wait." I turned to Heero before Wufei could bodily drag me out the door. He was watching me with cool eyes, eyes that were already sinking into the Perfect Soldier. I wished very strongly for a surefire, knock-me-on-my-ass kiss. I sucked in a hard breath. "You promised." I glared into his eyes and tried to __force__ him to understand. "You promised. You can't break that promise, do you hear me?!" __You have to come back!__

Heero seemed confused for a moment; his eyes shifted back into his normal, kind-but-still-almost-unreadable gaze. And then he smiled. "I understand. Of course I won't break it."

And he pecked me on the forehead. I leaned up, but he'd already pulled back. My breathing got heavy, my heart thick. This was insane.

"Let's go, Duo," Wufei said quietly, and I could tell by the use of my first name that he was no happier than me about all this. I let Wufei lead me out, but I kept my eyes on Heero the whole time. Wufei laid me down in the hall as gently as possible and began inspecting me. I was bleeding pretty much everywhere.

I knew Heero and Une were planning as much as possible before he ran out. I also knew that, for a good fifteen minutes after he left, I would remain here. That would be fifteen minutes to think before I got moving again. I couldn't let myself think about it.

"He'll be all right," Wufei assured me. "The man's strong."

I only nodded. I knew that. I just wasn't as optimistic as that. From the pucker on Wufei's forehead, I could tell he wasn't, either.

* * *

We arrived by... train.

Nothing says 'I'm a nobody' like riding on a train, especially when passenger trains are rumored in some areas to not exist anymore.

I had been placed on a bed and bandaged to the point of being mummified while Wufei had sat beside me. Both of us had been silent, tensely thinking our own morbid thoughts. Or at least mine had been morbid. We arrived in Colling, what was said to have once been Colorado and Wyoming. And there we sat and waited for Heero to return, both remaining silent, both remaining tense.

But Heero never came.


	4. Panic at the Disco Saga

I had healed.

Or, more to say, my body had healed. Time did that. The doctor, in making several house calls, had eventually called me almost completely healed and took out my stitches. All of them. And then there was physiotherapy, in which my therapist remarked I excelled. And now we had returned.

Heero had never come.

I held out no hope. I was too realistic. Heero had promised to come back. He'd sworn. The man never broke a promise... unless he just plain couldn't keep it.

I didn't allow myself time to grieve.

Wufei and I never spoke about it, a taboo subject. Here in front of Une, the fury and anger swirled in an even hotter vortex; here was the woman who had negated my warnings. The woman who had sent him out there. After I killed every operative in Caribol, I would come back for her. I thought I saw that knowledge reflected in her eyes; she seemed to know I would kill her. She also seemed fairly unperturbed by the idea. Wufei, beside me, was as still as me.

"You know the situation," she said quietly. She did not look at me. "As of right now, we have only you two. Barton heard of the situation and relocated Winner and himself to parts unspecified." Meaning she knew where they were. "And we have Caribol to face. Yuy is... MIA."

My fists clenched.

"It's been almost two months," Une continued doggedly, "since we last had contact with him. We must consider this to be a sign of his-"

I growled, and she silenced herself.

"So now we have an organization to take down with only two men."

"We'll do it." They were the first words I'd spoken in days.

She seemed to understand exactly what I meant by that, too. __We'll do it__ – we'll kill them all. Or at least I would.

"Evidence would be nice," she put in blandly.

"Fuck your evidence," I hissed. I trembled in my efforts not to go after her; Preventors seemed to be allowed to go crazy when fighting baddies. I would be allowed to kill. I wouldn't necessarily be a 'murderer' until I killed her. I would wait.

Une didn't bother retorting. "Then get some rest. We'll begin the attack in four hours."

No planning; she knew I wouldn't stay for it. Rest? Because it was needed, I could do that much. I needed to be in top shape. I needed to be sure I could kill every single one of them. I knew that. I'd known that since those first few days in which I foolishly tried to believe Heero was just taking a bit too long. Back before I gave it up for reality.

I walked out of Une's office and toward a small room adjacent to it. Inside were two couches. It was a room I hadn't known of until Heero had carried me into it.

I hesitated before opening the door, then simply laid down out side Une's office. Better not to risk it.

Wufei didn't say anything, used to my antics by now. He simply opened the door and retreated inside.

Sleeping was the hardest of all necessities to take care of. Eating could be done in a minute, not allowing any time to think. Same with going to the bathroom – you wait long enough, you're in and out in a minute, two tops. But sleep wasn't so simple. You needed to take time out of your day to do it. And time meant reflection. My dreams were too cruel to allow me solace in sleep. And I had to keep returning to them if I was going to destroy Caribol.

Lying down here, I could see flashes of images I never allowed my mind to show me. A face I couldn't bear to see. Hands, warmth. His scent. I shut myself down and felt ghost arms slip around me.

My dreams were the same, down even to the intangibility of his perfect skin.

* * *

Four hours later, we were ready.

Une had informed us of the basics as we suited up. Caribol's top operatives have stayed hidden these past two months, though it seemed something important had occurred recently; guard had risen tremendously, then slackened considerably. Une assumed a breakthrough had come in their research, meaning a better and stronger cyborg. I wasn't concerned. The only thing that would stop me from killing them all was death... which awaited me at the end, anyway.

Heero not loving me I could have handled. Heero killing me himself would have been absolutely fine. But a world without Heero... that was blasphemy.

I checked the magazines on my guns, double-checked the blades of my hunting knives, carefully touched my belt of grenades, checking each for their pin, making sure they were each solidly in place. Wufei, beside me, was doing the same.

"Come back alive," she ordered before we left. It was an order, I noted with rage, she neglected to give Heero.

We said nothing as we left.

The drive was equally silent. Wufei, too, seemed to need silence in order to deal with his grief in his own way. It was easy to be with him, suffering with someone who understood its true form. Knowing that he blamed himself, seeing himself as a failure as a partner, helped. Because I was a failure, too, only much worse. I'd stolen Heero's back-up. I'd stolen his concentration. And I'd given him nothing as recompense. It was also my fault he was dead. That was another reason why I had to die.

I mindlessly cleaned my pistol as Wufei drove. We didn't turn on the radio.

We parked three blocks away from Caribol's HQ, which hadn't been changed. I wasn't surprised by this; killing a Gundam pilot was probably seen as a sign of their power. They would stay as a sign of defiance. That only made it easier for us. In fifteen minutes, I had all the passwords. It was simple, disgustingly simple, since I'd already done it once before. A lifetime ago. And then we were out of the car and moving.

The night was cool and bright, the sky clear, the moon clear and half-full. Our footsteps crunched the grass underneath us, noisy in the stillness. Still we knew no one but ourselves could hear them. We held our pistols at the ready. I felt the secure weight of my knives weighing down each arm. They felt like extensions; even my time of recuperation hadn't been able to steal the soldier from me.

But it was strange. I couldn't feel Shinigami inside me anywhere.

Wufei and I split up after quietly testing the communication mikes on our suits. I went to the nearer side, Wufei making sure I didn't use of my energy too much, since I was still recovering. Her went to the far side. We didn't say good-bye.

I slipped past the two guards, slicing their throats to keep the silence. Then I grabbed their ID's and slipped straight inside the building.

While it was a simple-looking business building, all sleek and shiny on the outside, it looked like a morgue. Or maybe a museum. There were tables and a linoleum floor, an open hall big enough to be a library, and fake flowers on practically every surface. This was the first floor. The floor of lies. The floor used to deceive. Duo ran up to the guard by the door and slit his throat before he could call for help. After cleaning his knife on the man's clothes, he was moving again.

He almost made it to the first floor when the alarm went off. Wufei must have purposefully tripped the switch to serve as a distraction. Duo knew it was a strategic tactic, one that ensured that he would get further up with less resistance. But he couldn't help but think that Wufei had tripped it so quickly because he didn't want Duo to be the one to deal with the enemy encounter.

He brushed it off and continued up. The second floor was a bit darker than the first floor; no flowers or tables broke up the endless white linoleum. Footsteps pounded from around the corner. I pulled out my pistol.

Two men turned and stopped still when they saw me. "Intruder!" one cried. I shot him first. The other decided it was better to react more violently than just shouting and tried to pull out his gun. I shot him down, too.

Shouts came then from other men close enough to hear the gunshots. I walked to the corner and waited for them. They came in two's and three's, each ready to fire. I cleaned out my pistol and half a round of my semi taking them all down. I saved my grenades for later, keeping a fairly low profile. When there was a break, I reloaded my pistol again.

It took about a half and hour to move from that hallway, and when I finally did the perfectly white linoleum floor was littered with bodies and blood. I stepped over it all, careful to keep my shoes clean, and moved on.

It would be impossible to explain what had happened those two months ago. I remembered a tearing inside, one I thought I could hear physically. I remember thinking the world had ended, and my horror that it actually had not. That the sun could actually continue to rise and set without my own sun leading it. I remember refusing to cry, because crying never helped dick. And I remember... I remember planning.

After that, the world began to fade in and out in strange intervals. I saw Wufei, his eyes hollow. I saw my doctor, whose name I'd never cared to learn, coming and going. His arrivals meant I was getting closer to my goal. To the end of my plans. I would hear the man's instructions, and I would follow them. The rest of the time I exercised, sat, or just... existed. Awake, not trying to get to sleep, I could concentrate solely on not thinking. It was hard at first, but I got better at it. I'd had time.

Now I walked down these halls, killing more and more people, and the sounds of screaming and shouting and gunfire just didn't enter my mind much at all. It was such a switch, since I'd always blasted rock music and jammed to it, screaming the lyrics, when I'd had Deathscythe. I hadn't listened to a song in weeks.

The third floor was the same as the second, white and large and empty. But then I was proven wrong on the latter as three men stepped forward. Two seemed normal, but one looked a bit odd; I figured I was looking at a cyborg, one made in the earlier stages of discovery. His right arm seemed thick and twisted; it hid inside an equally twisted coat, one with one sleeve too long for the arm and the other so short it showed the elbow. The man's head was tilted at an odd angle.

"Duo," Wufei's voice hissed from the communication device, "do you need back-up?"

"No," I answered calmly. The enemy pulled out their own weapons. I noted dimly that the odd man pulled out his arm, which held nothing. It was its own weapon. "Take care of yourself."

"Roger that."

The silence lasted less than a millisecond; the cyborg let loose with his personal gun. I knew the trajectory of the weapon. I knew what I needed to do to escape his assault. I did it. I didn't let myself think about it.

The two others were not wholly normal, but they only had speed on their side. They attempted to track me down as I evaded. They were all early samples, I could tell. Their bodies would twitch at odd moments, and they would stumble for no reason. The fast ones, too, had legs that did not quite match the rest of their bodies. Thick arms swung wildly by their sides.

I put them all out of their misery.

I could see how I did it – I led the fast ones to one side of the room as the shooter followed my movements, and I had them both chase me to the far corner. One went in front of the other, and I shot the closest. The next, in an effort to dodge my attack, stepped into his comrades' instead. When he stopped, too little too late, I took him down, too. After they were down, it was a simple job to make sure they were all dead.

The third floor was clear otherwise. I could hear the sounds of gunfire below me and knew that Wufei was busy below. I followed the sound for a moment, catching where it was loudest below me. "Head drop," I murmured into the mike, and took out a grenade. I walked away from the spot and tossed the grenade over. When it exploded, it dropped the floor and plaster walls down onto those roar was satisfying. It told me more were dead.

"Thanks," Wufei whispered. I didn't respond. The stairs were to my left.

I had just stepped on the stairs when I heard an elevator begin to run. I left the stairs, moving hurriedly, and wrenched open the elevator doors. When the elevator car dropped below me, I tossed my second grenade on top. I hopped away from the shaft then and let the grenade do my work for me. The screams fell to the ground floor and halted abruptly.

It was a basic rule: never use the elevators. I headed up the stairs.

"Maxwell. Third floor."

"Stairway," I murmured back, letting him know my own location in return. "Fourth floor. Any problems?"

"No. They're keeping the cyborgs to a bare minimum."

"Most likely for a larger defensive later," I surmised blandly.

"Most likely," Wufei agreed.

"The strongest will protect the leaders," I murmured, not caring in the least. No matter how many there were, they would all die.

"Yes. We'll have to break them up, take them one at a time. We may have to return later, Duo."

"Not yet," I growled.

"No. We'll go as far as we can."

We stopped communicating after that, content with what was said. Yes, it was definitely best to grieve with someone like Wufei, whose grief could be understood. I was a solace to him, as I was grieving worse than he, and he was a solace to me, as he, too, felt the emptiness of the world without Heero. We both needed each other to continue.

The fourth floor was completely clear, no one in sight. But I could see that this was where everything changed; the walls were metal now, not the clear hospital-white of the lower floors. I remembered clearly that this was the floor with all of the laboratories and storage rooms.

It was odd, wondering if my footsteps were echoing Heero's, wondering if he'd moved in this exaact formation. I keyed in the password to the storage room he'd entered and thought vaguely of him standing here doing the same thing.

The door opened, and finally I got to see what Heero had those months ago. Inside were tubes and shelves of bodies. I'd been right when I'd thought about a science fiction movie, but everything was turning into science fiction around here. My life might as well be a book.

The tubes held deformed humans, all right. I remembered seeing an old Japanese show where two kids tried to bring their mother back to life through alchemy. I was reminded horrifically of the result of their attempt. Skin peeled away from the bodies to float like thin, white sheets in their individual tubes. Organs floated, too, where they would rest if the skin and nerves and blood vessels had all taken their places, as well.

Some were in better shape; they were obviously human, fairly well-formed. Three were better off than the rest, or at least I made that assumption, since they were in cages and eyeing me greedily. I suspected they were in cages only now, after Heero had needed to fight them off. I didn't think any more about that.

I tossed in two grenades and slid the door shut, determinedly destroying the memories along with the room.

Then I stood there for a moment. My eyes turned of their own accord, following blueprints I had seen an eternity ago. I had led Heero to that laboratory. I had led him into a room that had ended up almost being his... but I had to shake that thought off, as well. There were other enemies there, ones that had begun to awaken while Heero had still been inside. Were they still there? If so, I could kill them all in no time. Less to worry about.

More, I had to see the room. See one of the last places – perhaps __the__ last place – Heero had ever stood.

I was only half-aware of my surroundings as I walked. If an enemy had showed up at that moment, they would have been able to shoot me dead. But of course no one was here; I'd already verified that. Or at least it felt like no one dangerous was here, a feeling I associated with the creatures locked up in their respective prisons.

The laboratory was easy to find, trapped as it was in my memories. I entered this password, as well, and waited as the door silently whooshed open.

__Click._ _

The unmistakable sound of a safety being pulled off hit my ears before the door fully opened. I had hardly pulled my pistol in front of me before I registered what awaited me inside.

My hands fell to my sides. "H... Heero?"

* * *

* * *

His eyes were empty and cold, but he smiled warmly at me. "Duo. I knew you would come here."

I stepped forward, ignoring the gun he had trained on my forehead. "Is it really you?" I whispered.

It was his face, his voice, his eyes. Still he seemed like something I'd created from my mind; those eyes didn't match that smile of his. "Of course it is."

My legs were unsteady when I forced them to move forward again. "Heero-"

"Stop right there, Duo Maxwell."

I stopped dead. Those had been Heero's lips that had moved, and yet... "Heero?"

"They want you, as well."

Heero didn't talk to me like that – like I was an enemy. It hit me, finally, that Heero's arm had never moved, that his hand was still tightly clasping that gun of his. That he was not making any attempt to come to me.

"Heero, what happened?" I stepped forward, hands out. "Why didn't you ever come back? Why did you stay here without telling anyone?"

"You are no longer my master."

I furrowed my brows. "Master?"

"Yes. I have accepted my true master. I am no longer yours."

"Heero, I don't-"

I felt a presence behind me and turned, gun out. A skinny, fairly short man stood, perfectly at ease, behind me. He placed a hand on his hip and cocked his hip to the side. "Quite simply, boy, he's mine now."

Fury surged in me. His?! Heero was no one's! "The __hell__ -"

But Heero's strong arms wrapped around me, grabbing my gun and tossing it. A ricochet bullet slammed into the far wall as Heero's warm, hard hands grabbed my wrists and pulled my arms behind me.

I turned to him, shocked. "Heero, what the hell are you doing?!" I pulled forward, but those steel arms didn't let me go.

"Come, Duo Maxwell, don't be so slow." The man walked toward me as if two Gundam pilots weren't right fucking there in front of him, smirking widely with thin lips and a long, giraffe-like neck. "Yuy was captured nearly two months ago."

"So what?!" I snapped amidst my struggles, but as soon as I did my brain clicked the pieces together. I sagged hollowly into Heero's hold. My eyes glazed. "You mean he..."

"That's right," Giraffe Neck gloated. "He's one of mine now."

I stared at those big bug eyes behind those goggle glasses, at that thin-lipped smile, and snarled. "He's not yours."

The man had the audacity to laugh. "Of course he is. And now-"

"One moment." Heero stopped the man's monologue, and I felt a surreal surge of hope. Heero's hand dug into my collar and ripped out the mike. I looked at him in horror. "The other is listening."

The other?! "Heero!" I snapped. "That 'other' is your partner!"

Heero tore the wire into pieces and dropped them all to the floor. "I have no partner."

My heart skittered in pain. Was he saying he had no partner like in battle, or was he saying that I wasn't...? "Heero," I breathed, wholly disbelieving. This couldn't be real. Heero wouldn't... he would sooner die than help the enemy. He wouldn't...

My hands shook.

"Bring him closer," the man ordered Heero. It wasn't necessary; it would be a thousand times easier for Giraffe Neck to walk forward. I clenched my teeth. He was showing off the power he had over Heero.

And he __did__ have that power. Heero pushed me forward, moving steadily as if my heels weren't dug into the ground. I seethed and glared at the man before me. My arms were tight bands within the manacles of Heero's fists. Heero said nothing.

The man came a half-step closer, big eyes glittering, getting right up in my face. "He would do well," the man said. I wanted to rip those sneering lips off his face. "A nice piece to my collection."

Collection?! I snapped forward, ready to devour. But Heero's arms didn't budge, not an inch, that steel grip holding me where I was. Still, despite that, the man quickly jumped away and cowered behind one of his hands. This man... this man was far too weak to have taken down Heero. There was no way he could have! Heero __wasn't__ this man's puppet! Heero would __never__...

My chest heaved with every rapid breath. My lungs screamed. It wasn't possible. This... this __roach__ couldn't take down a wolf like Heero. There was no way. Heero was...

When the man saw my efforts were futile, he smirked again and came back in front of me. I knew what he would do before he even raised his hand. It was so clichéd, so expected – I hardly felt it when he slapped me, but I was deadly aware of the degradation of status. And worse, Heero just stood there and let him do it. He didn't even react. At all.

Utter panic seized my chest. Was it true? Had Heero __really__ been changed? Was he... was he not my Heero anymore? Was he practically a living corpse, dancing to my enemy's tune? Was he no longer... was he no longer the man I loved? Was he... would I... have to kill him? With my own hands?

"Take him down to the laboratory, my dear little Heero," the man ordered, snapping me from my horror. I surged forward again, furious. Dear? Little? The hell!

I tried for surprise, pulling my body forward, as I snapped out a kick. Heero was faster than me, always faster. He pulled me back, and my attack hardly even grazed the man. I saw his eyes flash in fear. Weak. He was weak.

"I'll kill you!" I screamed at him, still trying to lunge forward. "I'll fucking kill you!" If only Heero wasn't holding me back... if only I wasn't deadly aware of his hands on mine, restraining, hurting. If only I couldn't remember, so clearly it was physically painful, those same hands pushing back my bangs. Protecting me. This Heero, __my__ Heero, the man I loved more than anything… __this__ was what had become of him. Because... of me? Because I hadn't been strong enough.

And because of this man, this man in front of me with goggle glasses and muscles thinner than paper. He had the audacity to smirk at me, as sure of Heero's loyalty as I was of the sun's warmth.

If only I could reach him. Heero hadn't divested me of my weapons, being, as I was, properly held steady. If he shifted to take my weapons, I would be able to harm someone. So I still had them. I thought suddenly, viciously, of Wufei, and I wished he would show up. But of course Wufei would be fighting off the countless other clones this man had created, or had had created. What were the chances of Wufei's surviving against them all? Would he be captured as well, same as me, caught alive to be changed, as well? I thought of Heero's fate and roared in fury. I wouldn't let it happen. I wouldn't let it happen!

Heero's hands tightened then, so cruel they cut off my circulation. And he started pulling me backwards.

The man waved good-bye. "I'll see you soon, little Duo."

I screamed and pulled forward, but of course I didn't break free. Heero pulled me down the stairs one step at a time, his arms never tiring. I struggled every inch of the way. I didn't understand why I was being pulled down – the labs were on the floor we'd been on, and these floors were simply for show. But Heero pulled me past door after door. When he got to the bottom, he turned to the wall. A very blank, very concrete wall.

I pulled back my teeth. "Heero, what the hell has gotten into you? Stop this!"

He didn't seem to have heard me – classic Heero, fully in Ignore Mode. He braceleted my wrists and searched the wall for something.

"Heero!" I snapped, pulling and twisting my wrists. I could already feel bruises on my arms from his hands. He didn't answer me. "Heero!"

A small beep sounded, and out of the corner of my eyes I saw a green light flash. The wall sank into the floor.

My breath stuttered; sounds could be heard now, when before it had been deathly quiet. Screams. Screams of despair, of horror, of agony. Pleas and cries and mutterings could be heard underneath the screams.

A holding room.

"Heero," I breathed, imagining him in here, trapped. Helpless and furious... but no, he had probably been taken straight to the labs, or wherever it was that they did the operation. He would have been bumped to the top of the list. As soon as they caught Wufei, they would probably come back for me.

The Heero I knew would never allow me to be placed in here. Heero would defend me, whether I needed to be defended or not. Heero would never let...

"Heero," I started again, but I had to stop. How could I possibly reach someone who didn't exist anymore? What could I possibly say to him now? I let him lead me down into the dungeon, into the dank smell of dead flesh and human waste. No matter how strong I was, compared to Heero, it was nothing. I would forever be weaker than him. There was no sense fighting.

So he led me silently through the place, past cells absolutely reeking. The screams and pleas grew louder until finally I was surrounded by them on all sides. In the complete darkness, it was impossible to fully make out faces and forms and shapes. But the screams – the screams I could hear just fine.

Heero placed me all the way in the back, leading me one-handed and opening the cell I would be occupying, all the while keeping me trapped in his hold. He took all my guns and knives and grenades, finding mostly all without trouble. Then he pushed me into the cell and clanged the door shut. His eyes, when they matched with mine for a split second, were cold and empty. Heero's Perfect Soldier eyes? No, I'd been wrong, just a tiny bit. They were dead. Totally and completely dead.

And then he turned away from me.

"Heero, wait!"

He stopped, but he didn't turn to me. It was hard to breathe. As if I couldn't get enough air. What could I say to him? I still love you? But this wasn't the man I loved. I'll never kill you? But for Heero to be able to rest in peace, he had to... no. I couldn't promise that. Even if just the thought was torture.

"I still..." I clenched my hands into fists and just shouted at that back. "I'll always be waiting!"

He still didn't turn to look at me.

"Affirmative," he responded. "You are waiting. I will inform my master."

My heart wrenched at that last word. I couldn't stand to hear Heero call someone his master. My fury waned as quickly as it had come, making my hands fall limply by my side. "Always," I swore fervently. "Even if you're gone. Even if it can never happen... I'll wait. It's my turn... after how long I had made __you__ wait for __me__."

"Affirmative," he said again.

"This message is for you!" I snapped, fists clenching again. How could he be like this?!

"All messages for me are for my master."

 _ _I'll kill him!__ I wanted to shout, but that would be a mistake. Heero would act to defend the man, being, as he was, the man's... puppet. There was no more choice for him.

But there was for me. I could still finish what he had started. I could take down this organization – what the __real__ Heero wanted – and save both myself and Wufei. I just had to remain calm and let Heero walk away from me.

Of course it was the hardest thing for me to do.

As soon as he left, I turned to the back. There were no bones in my cell; for a place that smelled like shit, it was disturbingly clean. I turned to the cell door and smirked. Good. A sophisticated locking mechanism, marking the device within the keyhole to determine the exact shape of what was attempting to open the door. Perfect.

I was free in ten minutes.

I had to hurry; Wufei may have already been captured or killed. I had to act quickly.

The people in the cells screamed out to me, hands reaching out to try to grab me. I avoided them. I didn't have time to save anyone; I felt like shit, but I had no choice.

The tinny lights of the security keypads, no bigger than periods, led me to the door. Another five minutes and I was out.

I blanked my mind and pulled out two grenades from a secret place which I shall neglect to mention and threw them inside. At least those people wouldn't be suffering anymore.

I raced back onto the first floor, knowing an alarm would have been set off as soon as the grenades-

And the explosion was immediately heralded by alarms and those old-fashioned, always-annoying red lights. I knew I only had a short time; only a small portion of a minute before Heero – even mentally I had to pause to wince – before Heero and the other... cyborgs (here I winced again, trying to place Heero in that group within my mind) came to capture me again. I had to find Wufei.

I would not leave anyone else to be changed.

I only had one more grenade, and it wouldn't do me much. I already knew I wouldn't have the strength to harm Heero, no matter what. At least not yet. I couldn't even let myself consider it. Still, I needed to find Wufei in this maze of a place and get him out. I wondered if he'd managed to get past what I now considered the cursed fourth floor.

I found an information booth in the middle of the first floor's hallway. It hung out in a small niche, completely empty. I doubted it was ever occupied; another prop, most likely to conceal... and I hit jackpot when I hopped over the counter. I wrenched out the radio from its place underneath the countertop and put the radio over the intercom – a piece of technology I was wholly delighted to see. Then with a quick twist, the volume was jacked as high as it would go. I stuck the mike up to my mouth.

"Chang Wufei! I'll kill you if you're dead! If you can hear this and are still free, get yourself out of here, then send me a sign! If you aren't out in a minute, I'm coming to get you!"

I slammed the radio to the ground then, smashing it, and leaped back over the counter, back out of the niche in which I'd trapped myself to send Wufei the message. I laughed at my luck; above the counter was a duct. It was tiny; as an early teenager, I would have had no problem. I wasn't so small anymore; still, it was better than running through the hall, open and unarmed. If I remembered correctly, the ducts closed off on this floor alone, getting smaller and smaller until only a mouse – and a baby one at that – could fit through from the outside. I punched the thing open and jumped in, pulling myself up. I had barely pulled up my legs than footsteps sounded down the halls.

I crawled silently forward, careful not to make any noise that would inform any of my pursuers as to which direction I was heading. And still I froze when I heard him speak.

"He went up into the air ducts. Mirror my actions exactly."

And bullets began flying.

Heero. __Heero__ was shooting at me. I froze for a short second before my body moved on its own, not waiting for any of my conscious orders. I slipped to the left the first chance I had and carefully lifted the vent. After jumping down, I moved to the window.

And another explosion sounded, shaking the foundation a bit. It came from the left. Wufei had given me his sign.

"Good." A couple of guards who'd been standing outside my window ran off to investigate the area. I took the chance to slip outside and run for the closest cover – the line of bushes around the perimeter before I reached the gate. I dove into them and waited, carefully listening to the sounds of orders being given and carried out, waiting for that one voice.

"He exited here. He won't be far. Spread out and search."

And there it was: the voice I couldn't stand to hear just then. Of course Heero would be appointed leader of the enemy forces. Of course he would find me quickly. His were probably the footsteps reaching ever closer to my hiding place.

Imagining them to be his was too hard. I had to think it was the giraffe-necked bastard to be able to let my grenade fly. Bullets ripped the air right before the grenade exploded. He'd shot it in mid-air to make it go off early. That didn't mean it was Heero – just that it __most likely__ was.

I used the explosion as a distraction to leap onto the gate and launch myself off of it. I rolled as I landed and sprang back up as soon as possible, but Heero – or whoever – had already recovered and was firing at me. Thank God, thank God, it wasn't him; I'd be dead if it had been him. Even on the brink of death, Heero would hit his target. Whoever that was, it wasn't him. My heart fluttered in relief.

I saw Wufei running towards me then, safely in the cover of the neighboring parking lot. He launched a grenade as he ran, covering me. I tensed for the explosion, used it to throw me forward, into the first nearby line of cars. I hopped over one and landed next to Wufei. "I gave 'em more guns," I gasped, and took the chance to catch my breath.

"Are you all right?" he asked, completely ignoring my stupid comment.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Your side?"

"Fine."

"Good. Then we're leaving for now."

I just grunted. "That would be for the best."

Wufei threw three grenades, one in each direction from us – east, west, south. A couple screams showed the intelligence in doing so. "Let's go."

I let him lead me away from Caribol HQ without argument. Let him lead me away from Heero... or what was left of him.

* * *

* * *

Aside from a few bruises – namely on my arms and wrists – and a couple of scratches from the grenade I had haphazardly launched there at the end – I was without injury. Wufei, too, had managed to avoid injury. As soon as he'd heard my capture over the communication link, he'd gone into hiding to wait for the opportune moment to spring me free.

We were even quieter on our way back to Preventors than we'd been going out.

Heero. Heero was alive. And just as my mind told me that, reveled in that, it also told me that the Heero I knew, __my__ Heero, the Heero I loved more than anything else I'd ever seen or heard or imagined, was dead. Beyond dead. He was a walking corpse. He was what he had always despised. He would hate himself for what he'd become.

I knew, deep in my heart, that the one thing he would want of me now was his death.

The only problem was that I wasn't strong enough to do it.

"Maxwell." Wufei finally spoke. Though his voice was low and soft, it sounded like a gunshot in the silence.

"...Yeah?"

"This is too big for just us."

"...Yeah."

We said nothing again until we reached Une's office.

* * *

We had our little mini-army set up within the next twenty-four hours.

Une had been stone-faced when we'd turned in our little report. She and I both knew a part of me felt it was her fault that Heero was in this position. We also both knew that I wouldn't stand to let anyone else kill him.

Kill him.

I was alone now, alone because I had to be to prepare myself for the next day, when we would storm the place once more. Because if I wouldn't let anyone else kill him, I had to.

I had to kill Heero.

So I was sitting alone in my little room next to Une, locking others out like a child. Because I couldn't imagine it. I knew, logically, with my mind, that it wasn't him. Not anymore. But every single time I tried to imagine cutting his throat, or shooting him, or burning him to ash in an explosion...

I bent over the waist, hand clasped to my mouth. Yeah, every time I thought of that I threw up.

The table I sat one was sturdy oak, dark, almost like mahogany. The chairs around it – only two – were the same, and they had dark red, faded padding. Then there was the couch, the chair. Everything was dark red, faded. Even the carpet. I went over to the bathroom down the hall and used the sink. At least no one had seen me in my moment of weakness.

I laughed over the sink. I sounded like Wufei.

He was dead. Or at least he might as well have been, except his body was being used by the enemy, which was worse than dead. Only I couldn't help but see that face and remember those smiles he'd given me, or those fingers touching me so gently. I hated myself even more for having waited, for not even having had those three years before... before this. Now I only had a couple of months, months that had been ruined over and over again because I had been attacked over and over again.

I knew I could blame whoever I wanted. I could blame Une for sending him out there alone. I could blame that sneaky Giraffe-neck scientist for changing him. I could blame every single cyborg, every single malformed creature and every single soldier for capturing him. But I knew who was really at fault.

Me. It was all my fault for putting him through this.

If not for me, he wouldn't have faced Caribol at that time, and he never would have needed to go alone. He could have been rescued, just as Wufei had been about to rescue me. He shouldn't be partnered with __me__. He __should__ have been partnered with Heero.

Heero.

But I didn't dare say his name aloud. I couldn't. I absolutely couldn't. If I did, it would make all of this too real. Right now it was like a dream, a very, very horrific dream with way too many details. If I could just hold on to the dream, maybe it would be easier to do what I had to do. If not... then at least I'd be able to do it. If I thought about the reality of it, I would throw up again. And maybe I would start crying. I wouldn't let myself do that. I had no right. Instead I had to go and kill him... his body... and take down Caribol. Then Une. Maybe. At least I'd seen the woman suffering when she read our report. Maybe I would let her live. Then I would die. I could spend the rest of eternity crying in hell.

* * *

I was ready.

Well, we were all ready, out of the vans that had taken us all two blocks away from that damn building – an in arrogance Giraffe-neck had stayed in the place – and we were all setting up. I didn't know any of the members, since I'd holed myself up like a hermit, but Wufei told me they were the best that could be gotten, that no Preventors agent couldn't take care of himself. Personally I couldn't imagine Une letting a man get through without testing his balls for supreme durability, but if Wufei was willing to back them, they __had__ to be good. I let him know I had no problem with them, just as long as they let me do what I had to do. He understood.

So here I was, about to break into the building once again. I'd already accessed all of the newly-made passwords – obviously the fools hadn't thought to ask Heero... Heero's body... to make them – and had them all memorized and passed down amongst our troop. How many? I think Wufei had said about fifty people, each armed with armor-piercing bullets. Whatever. As long as they didn't get in my way.

Wufei's voice came over our link. "Everyone in position? Over."

We each called out our respective numbers and positions. "Red Alpha," I said, "in position by the West entrance."

When we were all done, Wufei called out his own position. "Black Alpha, in position by the East entrance. Go on my signal. And..." I took a deep breath, not letting myself think about my own personal mission. "Go."

I surged forward, low and lithe, taking in the front guards – three this time – one my own, then leading the eight men with me inside. We didn't bother with stealth; it would be impossible with this many people. We just charged in with guns blasting and the ridiculous-looking apparel of killers.

The halls were filled with creeps after only two yards. Heero's doing, I was sure, since these people seemed about as strategically brilliant as cockroaches. The halls had been cleaned before we'd returned; plaster had been put over the previous bullet holes. They wouldn't be able to redecorate the room now. Chunks of the walls were gone. The creeps were mostly defects, weaponless. From the other side of the building I could hear screams. They were taking out one side at a time.

I snarled. They could kill everyone else if they wanted, but they couldn't kill Wufei.

"Wufei, stay on the line with me," I called tersely. Some blond guy came beside me and shot down a full-fledged cyborg. The man faltered back a step, but kept coming forward. The blond had only hit his right chest, a place made fully out of metal. It had slipped through his body, but it hadn't caused irreparable damage. I shot the man through his human eye. With a scream and a gurgle, he fell.

"Nice kill, Strike," the blond whooped. He shot down a half-formed creeper and taunted another. I'd have to keep an eye on him. He probably shouldn't die, either.

"I'm fine. We're in the stairwell."

Fuck. They had to go up, most probably into a trap. "Back-up one, explosives in the second floor East wing. Back-up one, send explosives to the second floor of the East wing."

"Roger that."

Wufei didn't argue, so he knew I was right. Was he trying to get himself killed? Stupid bastard. His honor code must be skewed again. How dare he live beyond his partner and all that jazz. Guess I'd have to add 'pep talk' to my list of things to do before I died. I was never good at that sort of shit.

It was a while before we could follow him up. A couple of guys, when we finally did, were sporting injuries. Neither complained. Wufei had been right about their training.

Blondie was faring all right. He'd used up a bit more ammo than everyone else, but he'd kept charging into the front to attack. Mister Gung-ho was never actually in the war, but he was strong and he was quick and he snapped me out of my self-induced stupor for seconds at a time, so I couldn't begrudge him his eagerness. I remembered being eager myself, before all of the deaths started piling up too heavily in my mind.

I took a deep breath. I wouldn't have to worry about it for much longer. Nope.

We hurried up the stairwell, requesting cover fire. Back-up two took care of it this time. Back-up one had been found shortly after laying cover fire for Wufei's team. I told back-up two to spread for a few minutes; Heero would pinpoint their location if they stayed together. I told them not to hide too hard; Heero would look in those places. But what I didn't tell them was that when it came to strategies, Heero had both me and Wufei beat by miles. I would just have to hope I got to him first.

"Go for Giraffe-neck," I told Wufei, letting blondie go ahead of me. "He can be yours if you want him bad enough."

"I want him." Wufei's voice was dangerously calm.

"All right. I'll go after my own target."

"Good luck."

"Yeah." I couldn't say anything more than that.

We moved through the second floor, but there was nothing able to twitch, let alone gun us down. The third floor was the same, charred and demolished by our cover fire. That left the fourth floor, the floor that seemed to be taboo. I knew from the updates we'd all received that Wufei's group had made it to that floor and were being extra-cautious. "Be careful," I warned my own group. "Take care on this floor, but remember – Lab One is mine."

A chorus of "roger"s accompanied my words.

The fourth floor hadn't suffered any damage, not from my previous visit nor from today's. There was no one on the floor, so once again everything was empty and silent. I recognized the layout distinctly now. I could swear I was taking the exact same steps I'd taken before. But I forced myself off of the path I'd taken earlier. If he was going to wait for me in the lab again, he could damn well wait for me while I blew up the creepers in the storage area.

The storage room was locked with a tidy little metal door that might have kept out a third-rate pickpocket. I got it in a few seconds.

Blondie waited with me while I opened the door for reasons one hundred percent foreign to me. And when I stopped abruptly and glared at the empty room, he spoke up.

"Strike, how many steps ahead do you believe Yuy is?"

I hissed. "That's not Heero."

"Uh, right, right, because he was a psycho kinda guy but really upright, I know, but how many, do you think?"

I searched the room thoroughly, but there weren't any traps and we could safely shut the door without blowing ourselves up. "Oh, probably about five steps ahead on a twenty-step board."

The man whistled. "Yeah, we always knew if we had Agent Yuy on our team we could expect everyone to be going home to dinner with family."

I let my brain shut down then before it cracked my facade. "Yeah. Smart bastard." I led us away from the room.

"I'm Agent Callig. Neil Callig. I think we're around the same age."

"Is this really the time to be a groupie?" I asked, not in the mood for pleasantries.

"Why not? I might die soon."

That surprised a bark of a laugh from me. "Don't be too optimistic."

"I won't, sir. Where should we go now?"

There wasn't any point in going anywhere. If Heero lived, we died. I felt my chest clench. I quickly fixed the thought – if Heero's __body__ lived, we would all die. When I felt my chest settle a bit, I spoke. "You should clean off this floor. No one's going down, so all we have to do is work our way up. Just like a video game. If you leave enemies below you, you'll have to worry about both sides. Best to make sure you don't __have__ to watch your back now than be watching it later."

"Gotcha. I'll relay the message."

"And I know this'll be hard, Callig, but it would be best to kill everything. Cyborgs, creepers, __and__ humans."

Callig's eyes were a nice hazel-brown, but they were dead serious, even in that almost boyish face. "Roger that." And he went off down the pristinely white halls. I swore to myself that I would never own a house with white halls – and laughed. Of course I wouldn't.

It was only a few familiar steps over the lab. Today I would destroy the place, no matter what. I would move past this floor and continue up, all the way, until finally I could see that bastard's face pale and bloated on the ground. I would do it. Today.

I have no idea how long I stood outside that laboratory.

My heart was going crazy. My lungs wouldn't work right. I knew I had to charge forward, to just keep moving, just as I have been. But for the life of me I couldn't open that door. What is he __was__ on the other side? What is he was waiting for me __right now__? Would I have to shoot him with those eyes looking right at me?

My entire body clenched then.

Three deep breaths had that going away so I could stand without so much discomfort. I had to open the door eventually. Wufei was waiting for me. I had to move. I had to do this and move on, because there were other people who were waiting for me to kill them...

__Heero._ _

This was not the time or the place to get weepy, but there I was, standing in front of the fourth floor laboratory and fighting back the crunching of the chest and the burning of the eyes that signal the onset of tears. My hands shook. My finger trembled on the trigger of my gun. I wanted to scream.

My right hand, free of any weaponry at the moment, reached up and touched the keypad. Cool. The keys were cool to the touch. I took another careful breath, held it for a moment. And when I released it, I keyed in the password. The door slid open with a soft whoosh of chilly air.

He wasn't there.

It was the first thing I noticed, the first thing that mattered. The room was just as white and pristine as the rest of this damn place, but I couldn't help but notice that there were not a billion creatures or body parts or sleeping cyborgs in here. The tubes sat clear and empty along the walls of the room, the walls by the doors still had shelves all along them. But they were all empty.

Heero's doing. He'd cleaned out this entire floor.

The others on my team confirmed it; blondie sounded particularly frustrated and disappointed. I reminded myself that his name was Neil Callig.

"We're going up to the next floor," I reported to Wufei. "Where are you?"

"Fifth floor, about to move up. You can skip it, Maxwell. There's nothing there. They moved up."

"Waiting."

"For us," he agreed.

"Then what was with the welcoming party?" But I thought I knew. "Distraction. They were planning something and only just now got it finished." As I said this, I silently ordered one of our men to get the two men guarding the stairwell and move them up two floor with us.

"I agree. The only question is what they could possibly be planning all the way up here."

"There are still about ten floors."

"This was a lot easier when we could stomp on these buildings," Wufei sighed.

I definitely agreed with that. "Oh, well."

"Maxwell." And he hesitated. "You okay with this?"

"I'll do it." Which was the only important thing.

Another short pause. "All right." Wufei knew. He definitely knew I was killing myself after all this. I wondered if he was going to try to stop me, or if he would want to join me. But I didn't want him to die.

That was probably selfish, since he probably didn't want __me__ to die, either.

Oh, well.

The staircases had the same white walls, white stairs, brown, wooden handrails. But when we busted down the door to the sixth floor, every single one of us froze for a heartbeat. Everything here was black, the walls, the ceiling. Even the floor, completely wooden, was painted as dark as a moonless night.

"Everyone back back," I whispered, then with a shout, __"now!"__

We shot back into the stairwell just as bullets started flying. I heard a very familiar scream of pain from the communication link, echoing from the other end of the hall.

"Wufei!"

* * *

* * *

"Wufei!" I screamed again, backing my men a little more. I didn't know fear could still push me like this, but it was demanding I do something and when I let it take over it just said to hell with the bullets decimating everything and made me __move__.

We had packed everything humanly possible. Along with armor-piercing rounds, everyone here was equipped with MP-40's, for God's sake. And each of us had three grenades, to be used with extraordinary caution and only when absolutely necessary.

Wufei was hurt. It was necessary.

I chucked in one of them. The place blew like a furnace. From the link, I heard an echoing blast. Sounded like someone else thought it was about time we used a grenade or two. "Wufei, say something __now__."

I counted four consecutive heartbeats before finally, "I'm here."

He sounded like shit.

"I'm coming over," I told him, and ran through while the smoke still settled across the room. "Keep the stairway door open," I ordered. The room inside was unlit and dark as hell. Cyborgs may have night vision, but humans didn't. We were at an immediate disadvantage.

Heero's doing again.

A couple of my group coughed as they joined me, but blondie – fuck, Neil – was right beside me searching through the dust, same as I was. We both shot down the first creeper to try to rise from the debris.

"Take care of the rest, Callig," I ordered. "I'm going over to Agent Chang."

The guy nodded. "Roger that. Take care on your way, and you make sure you come back."

"I know." I slunk off to the side, carefully watching the cyborgs as several of them stood. They were strange – some looked like metal skeletons while others looked almost fully human. There was one that was standing that had what looked to be synthetic skin flapping like charred masks, revealing the metal underneath. My mind flashed an image of Heero like that. I blanked it out before the bile in my throat could escape again.

I had to shoot down a hand of all things – what is this, the living version of Zombie Nation? - before I made it over through the lobby that stood at mid-way before I saw a small group of cyborgs facing off with a flamethrower against Wufei's troop. It took all of one second for me to see that Wufei was not among them.

"Shit." He was definitely injured, and bad, if he wasn't even on the battlefield anymore.

"You should give up, too."

I couldn't help the quick, surprised gasp of pain at hearing that voice. I clutched my chest and turned with wide eyes. Behind me – how had I missed it? How had I not sensed it? - was Heero, leaning against a wall with a gun pointed straight at my chest. I felt my heart thump, one hard, painful beat, just like it had the last time I'd seen him.

__Not him. Just his body._ _

Yet I couldn't deny that that body was definitely his.

"Heero."

The name slid out without my permission. A name that cursed me. I heard that word and felt more pain than I ever could have imagined. I'd thought I was ready to look into that face again, to see those Prussian-blue eyes, to watch that hair of his swing in some nameless breeze. To look at those lips, up in that gentle, know-it-all smirk. I'd thought I was ready to pretend I didn't care anymore.

"Are you still waiting?"

It took me a moment to realize he was referencing my last words to him, my promise to always wait for him. I breathed in deeply and held it. "Always." And I lifted my own gun. He let me; he had to know he could dodge it. The bastard was impossible.

"I will inform my master."

The fury was there, right there, just waiting to bubble up. "You here to take me alive again?"

"Unfortunately, we cannot get the other. He has been taken down and is losing too much blood. It must be difficult to be mortal."

I could feel each heartbeat, the next more painful than the last. His eyes were so dead and empty. So cold. I felt the pain of tears again and had to fight them back. "Yeah," I admitted. "It's really hard. Look, Heero, do we have to fight?"

"No." He stood straight, pulling himself away from the wall. "You can surrender."

Another deep breath. I had to calm down and focus. This was __not__ Heero. Not anymore. "See, Heero, a couple of months ago..." But I couldn't mention the promise he'd made. Not to a different man. I couldn't say to this stranger that he'd sworn to return to me. "A couple of months ago," I tried again, "what you'd wanted had been a lot different. And the you back then was one I cared a great deal for. So I'm going to get what you wanted for you, since you can't get it yourself anymore."

"Did you love me, Duo Maxwell?"

My hand twitched.

He shot the gun out of my hand, lunged forward. I dodged to the side, catching myself against the wall and pushing myself off as he swung a kick at my face. I pulled out my MP-40 and aimed it.

__Don't hesitate._ _

I didn't let myself think about it. I just pulled the trigger. Heero flew back, somersaulting like he'd taken lessons from Trowa. A quick roll to the side had him dodging my next attack. I pulled out another grenade and watched him raise his gun again.

I ripped out the eyepiece and threw it. "Sorry, Heero."

A bullet grazed my head just as the world around me exploded.

* * *

"Duo! Duo, dammit!"

I groaned. Wufei's voice was coming from the communication link. He sounded pretty pissed off. And absolutely horrified, to boot. "How long?" I asked. My head was ringing like a bitch, and my face and arms burned. I remembered doing something really stupid, something like setting off a grenade right in front of my own face. I opened my eyes.

"Only about a minute."

My breath stuttered horribly as I made out Heero's unmistakable form. Oh yeah. How had I forgotten? The man was immortal.

"Come with me."

Heero's hand reached out for me. Without thinking, I slapped it away. "No!" I snapped. "You aren't Heero – I'm not going with you!"

Heero... Heero's body-snatching cyborg stood. "Then I must injure you." I was already injured. Idiot. "Prepare yourself."

I scowled. "The real Heero would have already done something by now, you coward."

"Understood." He raised his gun up again, this time pointing it at my leg. I moved to push myself up and bit back a scream. Shit. The burns hurt. _"Owari da,"_ he whispered, words spoken in a language I couldn't understand.

"Not yet," I sneered, standing in defiance of that gun and wondering if I'd given a correct enough response. "Not until I finish what I have to finish. You got that, Yuy?!" I flipped up onto my hand, ignoring the pain, and backflipped into the hallway. I didn't see any cyborgs on either side of my peripheral vision. I took the chance and ran off toward Wufei's side. "I need cover fire!" I shouted, as loud as possible. My communication link had probably been fried in some way – it was making creepy crackling noises that made me just take it off and break it – but I heard a small chorus of "roger that"s and rolled down just as bullets ripped all around me. I listened carefully, just to be certain. A whirring sounded, then only the gunshots. "Enough!"

That was right. Heero had showed up from out of nowhere. He'd used some sort of passageway that we didn't know about. And if there was a passageway we hadn't covered, that meant there was an escape route.

We had to hurry.

I hardly took the time to look at my own wounds; I was burned all over my arms and my face and had blood trickling down the side of my face. Heero, the bastard, hadn't looked much the worse for wear. Seemed the cyborg look was better than I'd thought.

I would __not__ be happy about that.

I ran to the stairwell then, slipping past three guards. "Wufei? Wufei!"

He was resting against the wall, hand pressed against his side. He looked up at me when I entered and gave me a partly-sheepish, mostly-frustrated look. His shirt was off, showing off burns that were blistering much worse than mine. A couple of places looked almost third-degree. But his side was what had been shot, and the makeshift bandages were bloody.

"So you wanted to look like me, huh?" I said playfully, squatting down beside him.

"Hardly, Maxwell." He looked me over. "Are you all right?"

"I," I said haughtily, "can still walk. Got any commentary for that one?"

"Yeah. It's a first."

I stuck out my tongue at him.

"I heard... Yuy's voice."

"Yeah. He disappeared from the lobby."

Wufei frowned and struggled to stand. Understanding, I lent him an arm. When he was standing, I led him forward. My MP-40 was almost melted in my hand. Wufei ordered one of the others to hand me their weapon and handed out orders. We needed the guards at the stairwells to remain where they were, but we told them to get in touch with us every five minutes on the dot with full permission to shoot off whenever they feel the need. He also told the rest of my squad to meet up with us in the lobby.

It was a ridiculous trip through the halls and past the labs. The rooms were all empty, exact echoes of the fourth floor. But the halls in which all of the enemy forces had stood were beyond dirty and littered. It would be impossible to explain to a non-veteran. Pieces of body fat lay dripping in blood and – this sounds so lame – oil. Not oil, precisely, but the grease that helps the gears of a mechanical body move. The puddles were dangerous because of the computer chips and loose wiring that fell limply into each one. The bodies were our walkway, and only the rubber synthetically-covered parts. Fingers sat in puddles. Legs were wrenched either to impossible angles or were lying lonely without the rest of the body to lie with them. Each charred face revealed a science fiction depiction of cursed mummies. To get to the lobby was to pass through a small circle of hell.

But when we did finally arrive in that room, it was as dark as the hallway and barren. I remembered the whooshing sound and thought about the sealed room off the first floor stairway. "It's a hidden door," I said grimly. "Spread out and search, everyone. Don't have two people searching the same stretch of the wall. When you find it, tell Wufei or myself immediately."

* * *

"Sirs, I think I found it."

It was absolutely no surprise to me whatsoever that it was blondie who was pointing to the wall. Wufei and I stood on each side of him and studied the wall. Sure enough, a secret hatch was just sitting there, flat against the wall, waiting for someone to open it. I took a deep breath. "This is a dangerous route. We can't all use it."

Wufei glared at me. "Absolutely not."

"I'm not going alone," I huffed. "Bl... Callig will accompany me, and you can pick up to two other people."

" _ _I'm__ going with you," he hissed.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're injured. Besides," I continued quickly, knowing how those words would get him spitting like a cobra, "I need someone who can back me up."

Wufei hesitated.

"You're here, Chang, not hours away on a train protecting an invalid." Yeah, I didn't want to think about how it was all my fault. I'd fallen quite well into mission-mode, thank you, and I didn't want to fall back out. "I need back-up."

Finally Wufei nodded. "I understand. But you come out __alive__ , Maxwell."

I didn't bother telling him that if I did, it would be borrowed time, anyway. "Fine. You, too."

He looked like he was hiding a good piece of information from me, too. A piece of information that probably echoed my own. Damn honor code. "Fine," he responded.

Blondie looked like he really wanted to say something, but somehow he seemed to get the hint that two upset veterans with guns shouldn't be annoyed.

* * *

The small whoosh opened us up into a pretty spacious little elevator. I frowned at it; elevators weren't even remotely safe. Before we went anywhere, I had Wufei's two bodyguards – two big, hulking monsters with extra ammo strapped to their chests just to make doubly sure they looked terrifying – hold the door open while I checked for bombs and explosives both inside and outside the box. Every second told me we were losing them, but we couldn't wait.

Finally I was satisfied and we were moving up. No sooner had the cables begun working than Wufei got in touch with the other three's communication links.

"Maxwell! Back-up one and back-up two both confirmed three helicopters moving in. There is also movement on the roof. I repeat, three helicopters and movement on the roof – dammit, Maxwell, they're running."

"Of course their running. Fucking chicken-shit giraffe-neck." I double-checked my gun and refused to think about how I'd aimed it at Heero. I would have to do it again.

"His name is Holden Landsing," Callig said.

"Holden? Isn't that supposed to be a jock's name?" I snorted. My gun was ready. Much more ready than me.

"Go figure." Neil shrugged.

"I thought Holden was more a soap opera name," one of the Beef Twins piped up.

"Not exactly the best name for a geek, anyway," I muttered, thinking I could potentially be called a geek. I winced at that.

"Feeling all right, sir?" Bl – dammit, Neil – asked.

"Fine. Look, keep your eyes open, people. We're sitting ducks here. Hey," I called, "Wufei. In position yet?"

"ETA in thirty seconds."

"Good. We should arrive around then, too."

"The helicopters have landed."

I'd already confirmed that with my ears. The loud little buggers were chopping the air above us. I got the nasty feeling this elevator was going straight up to the roof, no 'last floor' bullshit. We'd be walking straight onto a battlefield. "Get ready," I told everyone. "We're about to enter round three."

Each clicked their Glocks in unison. Feds. __Neil__ and I went first up onto the roof of the elevator, and the Hulks followed somewhat clumsily after us.

The elevator was silent when it lolled to a stop. Five perfunctory bullets split the metal doors. The Hulks, blondie and I dropped down from the outside of the box then and hunkered low until the doors opened. Callig helpfully threw a bomb as soon as the doors began opening. There was a shout, a girlish scream – __had__ to be Giraffe-neck – and the inevitable explosion. We all braced ourselves and jumped out even as a helicopter bounced slightly in the flames.

One down.

Heero had pulled Giraffe-neck to safety and was right now pulling him back up and behind him. I hissed at the sight, but I didn't hesitate. The Hulks and blondie raised their guns, too, and fired.

They weren't the only two here; there were two more scientists and four more cyborgs, each as human-looking as Heero. I was sure that, for now, these were the five 'Gundam pilots' that Giraffe-neck was using as his main defense. The other four cyborgs were pulling out their own weapons – unlike the defects, they didn't have weapons in their bodies – and firing at us, protecting the other two scientists until they were safely on-board the helicopter. Then they laid cover fire for Heero and Dickhead... Giraffe-neck.

The cover space was limited and they had a burning wreckage of a helicopter to hide behind. One of the Hulks took a hit to the arm and lost his weapon.

And goddammit but every time we went for a grenade, Heero Yuy shot the fucking thing into the sky. We stopped pulling them out after the third one almost got blondie in the blast.

We couldn't help it; when Wufei's team popped up and began firing, they dove into the helicopter – they being three cyborgs and Giraffe-neck. Heero and one other cyborg stayed behind, shooting down Wufei's grenade when he tried to sail it at the helicopter.

The choppers churned up dust and debris and began lifting and there was absolutely nothing we could do to stop it. Heero was risking his life for that skinny, slimy little bastard and I had to fucking kill him.

Giraffe-neck waved good-bye.

"Heero!" I screamed over the roar of the choppers. He looked right at me, those beautiful eyes blank, and shot at me once again. I had no choice but to roll and let Wufei and his team send cover fire.

"Fire a tracking device," Neil said from beside me, snapping the directions into the link. I didn't hear the affirmative, but Neil nodded and shot at Heero two more times. Heero kept dodging, just barely, but with that same incredible speed and agility as before.

"Neil," I snapped, "aim for him. Hulks!" I called, and oddly enough both turned to me, "Aim for his left. I've got his right. Ready?"

"Aim!" We each lifted our guns in unison. I saw understanding flash in his eyes and wished I couldn't pretend to see __my__ Heero in there, looking at me with such sorrow that I felt my heart seize its beating.

I would be killing myself right here, in this moment. Right now. I accepted that as the only thing I could do. And for this, I would make certain my death was slow.

"Fire!"

* * *

* * *

He fell to the floor, dropping himself like a rock and successfully avoiding all of our bullets. I snarled and tried again, but he'd already popped his ass back up and begun running. He launched up into the air and snatched the rung of the helicopter. Then he turned and fired at us again.

"Down! Down! Down!" Wufei cried, and Neil shoved me onto the ground when my knees refused to give. Bullets ricocheted around us, slamming into the concrete. One of the Hulks grunted sharply. Neil hissed. I felt blood splatter my face.

"Neil, are you okay?!" I snapped.

"N-Not too damaged," he answered. The helicopter's blades whipped the air into an absolute frenzy, deafening me, but the sound was getting lighter and lighter, harder and harder to hear.

"Duo?" Wufei's voice came to me from Neil's link. "The tracking device has successfully latched onto the second helicopter."

"The one Heero __isn't__ on, right?"

"Right," he affirmed. "Now, status report!"

A chorus of 'not too damaged's and 'all clear's hit our ears. Neil and I gave our own reports. The Hulks – apparently not at all related, with names of Smith Brogan and Brian O'Donnell – were both injured. It seemed that, for once, I was the only one coming out __un__ scathed.

Then all of us stood up and looked around and sighed. The badly injured ones were lucky – they would be heading back now, to think about their failure only after waking up from the anesthetic. Those of us with fairly minor scrapes and burns – lucky ol' me – would be able to think over every minute of the failed mission while searching the building for the other cyborgs unimportant enough to be left behind.

* * *

We must have shot down fifty damn creepers before we dealt with the cyborgs at all. Wufei had been packed away, burned-ass body and bullet wound too much for his followers to ignore, along with Neil and the two Hulks. Neil had taken one right to the back – one that would have gotten me, damn damn damn my luck. One Hulk had taken an arm, and one had taken a leg.

I might've been able to go to the hospital on a pity service if I'd told anyone Heero'd clipped me on the head before I blew us both... before I blew up the room in which we'd stood, harming somehow only myself... but it would help me out, and that wasn't right.

And it wasn't surprising that I'd managed to go without telling them – after all, cyborgs were only half robot. Everyone had so much blood and gunk on them it was a wonder we didn't light on fire when we moved.

So I got to stay behind and think about all the times I'd aimed my gun at Heero Yuy and thought very hard about killing him. Honestly, it didn't matter that it wasn't him, or that the real Heero was dead, or even that this would be what Heero wanted. What mattered was that I was going to kill that body, and that body, to me, was Heero.

But, of course, I was nothing if not stubborn, so instead I would force my mind away from such thoughts, and I would instead try to think of something better, something I could hope to look forward to. Like my death, for instance. Killing Heero was such an outrageous sin that I had to be absolutely certain I paid for it. My death would have to be slow, agonizingly slow, but quick enough that no one could save me in time. That would be fairly simple – there were plenty of places to hide in this world, and if worse came to worse, I could just fly out on my Wing. She was still docked in port on Preventor's money (ha ha, that's right, like hell __I__ was paying for it). She was just waiting for me, practically all healed after her disastrous meeting with Harlow's little bitches. I could just go to her.

Then, of course, I had to decide just what I would do to myself. It sounded masochistic, and also somehow sadistic at the same time, but I had to think about it now to think of the best thing to do. I wouldn't torture myself, that was just sick, but I __would__ kill myself slowly, with something that would specifically kill me slowly. I kept thinking about it, over and over, but my mind just kept falling back to poisons. I know they were supposed to be a lady's weapon, but damned if they didn't do their work.

And of course, if I wanted to go painfully, I should probably go for antimony or arsenic or even – and here even I shuddered – strychnine. Of course, thallium had been my first idea, but I couldn't take the idea of losing my hair, even though I should hurt myself. It was just that... Heero had loved touching my hair. Even __if__ the cure was called Prussian blue (and that was why I'd thought I should take thallium), I couldn't stand to let myself die in a form that Heero hadn't loved. Maybe I was a little crazy.

So I helped pull the bodies of the creepers into a truck to be taken to an old site where they crushed old metal and thought about which I should take. There were other poisons, but I'd been given immunities and those other poisons didn't have a one hundred percent success rate with me. And any other way wouldn't be as slow a death as I thought it should be.

The creepers were heavy, the work monotonous. I let my mind slip to Wufei, blissfully knocked up on morphine in the Preventor's own private hospital. I really did hope that he was okay. Wufei was always the one to come in and save everyone __else__ from injury. I could count the number of times I'd seen him hurt on one hand, and two of those times would be since I returned. I kind of hoped he stayed in that hospital for a while, conked out on pain meds. It would save him the horror of the memories.

"Strike," a man called, "we have five men with the cyborgs now. Orders?"

"Don't get killed," I mumbled under my breath, then, "be careful. Leave them inside whatever device holds them until you can get a good estimate as to their comprehension. Try to explain who you are and what you intend to do – show no sign of violence until they show some toward you. Oh. And it doesn't hurt to smile." I grinned at the man.

He gave me a bemused look and copied my instructions over his link. Damn, it was a pain not to have mine.

Strychnine was the best, I thought suddenly. Even though it was only a few hours, the pain was unbelievable. I would bend and twist like a wet noodle, and I would be conscious when I died. Of course, balancing on my head and tip-toes didn't sound very good, and because of the pull on my muscles, I might die smiling. But maybe that suited my Jester mask?

I loaded the last of the creepers into the truck and turned to go inside to help with the cyborgs. Strychnine would be the way to go. Slow, agonizing death, death while conscious, bouts of body-pretzal-ing torture that got worse and worse after every pause. Better yet, the jaw locked during those bouts – I wouldn't be able to scream.

The cyborgs had been stashed in the labs on the ninth floor, just under the top floor. Most looked human, and we offered them all assistance. Une had even said that, if they passed the psych evaluations and other tests, they could potentially join the Preventors. If they wanted death, she would give them that, too. If they wanted to resist, we would offer them the second option, but not the first. We ended up killing about four out of five, and only about twenty percent of __those__ wanted to try the evaluations. Predictably, the last portion looked wholly human, the first portion a bastard mix, and the middle portion more robot than man.

A Prevntor officer who had randomly proclaimed to me to be eighty percent pure Puerto Rican – whatever that was – came up to me, wiping his hands on a greasy shirt. His chest was covered by nothing than his Kevlar. "We're about done. Only a few more, then we can go check on our comrades, eh?"

I nodded, still kind of lost in thought. I wasn't really a big fan of pain, so wasn't this extremely stupid?

"Is something wrong? Have you had any trouble?"

"Nah," I answered, looking over. One cyborg looked a little odd, with one leg a little thicker than the other. He had informed myself and an agent named Railiff that it was because that leg had two bowie knives underneath the synthetic skin that could be pulled out without compromising the ability to run. He wanted to sign up with the Preventors.

"That's good. It's been nice on our side, too, except for that fool with the assault rifle. But you've had your share, too, eh?"

"Yeah. Irritating little shits," I said automatically, not thinking at all about my words.

"Tell me about it. Look, I'm going down, seeing if maybe I have some coffee left in my car. Old and stale by now, but the caffeine's still there, right?"

"Right," I said unknowingly. "We've got our priorities."

"Yeah. It's just a bitch running all the way back there."

"I know." I didn't really think about it – I'd hitched a ride with Wufei. He'd given me the keys, so I was free to take his car. It wasn't much of anything to run to Wufei's car – only a couple of blocks away. I was always in great shape.

"Well, take care, Strike. It was nice to meet you. You know, I don't think you're nearly as crazy as some people say."

I laughed, but only because his tone said I should. "I get that a lot." Where could I find strychnine? Well, I supposed there was some sort of structure for whatever rumor old Mr. Puerto Rico had heard, because someone searching for a poison to kill themselves was definitely crazy. I was suddenly very curious as to how that particular rumor got started. Who exactly were these 'some people'?

"Feeling well?" I asked that last cyborg. At his affirmative, I brought him down the elevator with me. Except for his bowie knives, he was stripped of all weapons, while I had my MP-40 in my hands at the ready, a safety precaution we'd warned all cyborgs of before giving them their choice.

We were silent on our way down. We each had our own thoughts, I guess, and neither of us were willing to open up to some stranger in a tiny little elevator booth. The elevator smoothed to a stop, and the doors were opening before I realized that the 'borg was supposed to ride in a Preventor's van. "You got your ride?"

"Yes," the cyborg assured me. I let that go without asking anything else.

He and I didn't say good-bye as we went our separate ways. There was no reason to pretend to be normal, polite people. He was a cyborg who had gone through hell, most likely with minimal anesthetic. And I was a killer. Alone with only one another, there was no need for false pleasantries.

I thought about Wufei, alone in the hospital and spitting mad, and forced myself to jog to the car.

* * *

"Maxwell, you and I need to talk."

Wufei was propped up against pillows and the tilted bedpost. He'd come out of surgery about an hour before I'd arrived, suffering through it with a local anesthetic, unwilling to wait unconscious for himself to heal. With his wound, though, he was pretty much out of action. He took to that about as well as I had.

He and I had been bantering fairly lightly about nothing, carefully avoiding hot spots, when Wufei had sighed and pulled out that little number. I merely looked down to my lap.

"Maxwell, we haven't spoken much since... Heero died."

I hissed out a breath. Wufei was right – I had to see Heero as dead. At least he was having the same trouble I was.

"Duo," he said gently, "what do you plan to do?"

I cleared my throat. Telling Wufei I had finally been able to decide upon my choice of poison probably wouldn't be a good idea. It would probably be better to stay on short-term goals. "I'm going to kill him."

"Which one?"

I knew he was referencing both Heero and Mr. Giraffe-Neck. "Both."

Wufei sighed. "And after that?"

"I'm getting drunk." Poison and alcohol was always an interesting mix, after all. And if I was sober, I just might chicken out and drink cyanide, a quick-killer, instead.

Wufei sighed again; I figured he knew I was hiding something. "I may want to join you on that. But, bluntly, Duo, my question is: how are you planning to kill yourself?"

I recovered damn quickly. I'd suspected Wufei had known, and I'd suspected, he'd try to talk about it if he did. I __hadn't__ expected him to just throw it out there like that. Especially not like that. "Wufei?"

"Don't 'Wufei' me. I've seen it in your eyes. I know what it is because __I've__ felt the same way. I feel like I've failed him, and in failing him, I have failed myself. In the worst way."

"Well you didn't fail him nearly as badly as I did. __I'm__ the one who got him killed, after all. But I __am__ kind of pissed with you." I saw Wufei flinch, but I ignored it. His room was pristinely white, as all hospital rooms were. The window was right beside him; Preventors didn't like having a hospital with a lot of people in the room. Une said it was a bacterial disaster. So Wufei had his own little room with his own little window. All I could see out there from my position was a tiny bit of cloudy sky. "You did something I was never brave enough – or well enough," I chuckled mercilessly, "to try."

He didn't seem to have much to say. He knew, of course, that I was talking about that long-ago mission he'd had with Heero. But then he recovered and grabbed my arm. Even though he was injured and burned and wrapped similarly to a mummy, the grip was as strong as steel. "Duo. You absolutely cannot kill yourself. Neither can I. You understand that, don't you? There's just too much we need to do. We're still needed here, if only because we'll be missed."

"I agree," I said slowly, being very, very careful about what I said. "Wufei, you're a top-class Preventor. You have subordinates who look up to you. And I have my merc job."

Wufei's eyes flashed a quick flurry of emotions. I'd gotten a bit better at reading him over the months; he looked a bit stricken. "Duo, we don't… __I__ don't," he corrected, "want to lose you again. And I don't think Heero would want-"

"Heero can't decide anymore," I said harshly. Fuck it; I could make the strychnine myself. "He's dead."

Wufei flinched a bit at that. "But you would honor his memory," he said quickly, throwing that word in my face.

"I'm not honorable, Wufei. That goes into your field, not mine."

Wufei took a second to glare at his IV. Maybe he was getting some medication from it? That might explain why I was actually beating him in a persuasive argument. And maybe he knew it.

I leaned back in my seat, balancing on two legs. A nurse would kill me. "Besides, I didn't say I would kill myself." And I didn't say I wouldn't, either. "Yeah, I've thought about it. Even planned it out and everything. But it's not like I'm throwing away my life." I'm just giving up on it. Life isn't trash to be dumped, but sometimes people feel like maybe it's not worth wasting the world's oxygen supply for, either. I was the latter.

"Duo, promise you won't kill yourself."

"You first," I said firmly, smacking the chair down. "You didn't do anything wrong. You were with  _ _me__. You did everything you could to protect as many as you could." Too bad the 'many' in this case just happened to be me instead of Heero. We picked the wrong person to protect.

Wufei was staring sardonically at me, then at the chair. He quirked an eyebrow at me as if to ask me if I was asking to be kicked out. I just shrugged and grinned for him and sat back in my seat again. "I won't kill myself, Maxwell. I still have to beat some sense into Barton."

I figured he was referencing Trowa's less-than-stellar attitude towards my existence. "Eh, he'll either get over it or he won't." I hesitated. "If I __do__ decide to go out into space again, I __will__ visit." But I had absolutely no intention of 'going out into space again,' so the point was moot.

Wufei looked at the legs of my chair again, seemingly unhappy with my little arrangement. Good grief, he was like Heero in mother-henning. I couldn't see why; __he__ was the one in the hospital bed. This time. "Now you, Duo. Promise."

I grimaced. Even if I hadn't sworn to Sister Helen that I wouldn't lie (which had somehow scarred me so that I just __couldn't__ lie), a promise to a friend was a sacred oath. And even if I miraculously managed to kill my conscience on that score, the idea of Wufei blaming himself for believing me would guilt-trip me into hunting him down wouldn't be too hard for now) and tell him the truth. Of course, carefully skirting the issue would probably cause the same thing. But I didn't __want__ to suffer through life anymore. I'd caught my minute of joy. It was gone forever now.

Thank God, but a nurse came in and saved my sorry hide. I gave Wufei an apologetic look (and the nurse the same after she glared at my seat) and left the room.

* * *

* * *

And I know this may be shocking, but I'm gonna say it: the helicopter landed.

Une got in touch with meas soon as the tracking device showed a stop. We both knew it was only a matter of time before Heero – Heero's cyborg wannabe – found the thing, so we had to move, and we had to do it quickly.

Ever wonder why there were cyborgs like Greaves, then one like Heero? The thought had been trying very hard to poke me for a while now, but I'd never taken it into account. But according to Une, who was speaking according to the testimonies of the cyborgs who'd returned to HQ for testing and whatever, the ones that had shot at us on site were the ones who's minds had been tampered with. And the one who'd been trying to weep uncontrollably during our damn investigation had been the same, but the scientists had fucked up the amygdala and his emotions had been crazy. It was odd, because she spoke of 'putting him down' like one would a sick animal.

You know what, I suddenly realized, parking my car and getting my ass into Headquarters – front door this time – this was quite possibly the makings of the worst science fiction story ever. Yep; and the only thing that made it not-bullshit was the fact that the man I love – loved, loved – was in the thick of it.

My mind didn't even take in Une's words all that much – I caught the term "Las Vegas" and understood there'd be an interesting little flight ahead of us before we reached where we needed to go, along with a small problem of enormous population in relatively tiny city. I understood that we were getting a new batch of Preventors and weapons and Auto Assault-12 shotguns that shot frags and shit. Frags? Oh yeah. Sweeeet.

But beyond that was the ever-churning, ever-heavier thought that I was still on a mission to kill... to destroy the body of the man I love... d.

Could anyone possibly understand that? The idea that my Heero, the one thing that had saved me from my pathetic little self when I'd been sure I would stay in Space's arms until death, was gone. Because of me.

And not just gone. Used. Lost, but still there. And what was left had to be destroyed, and I couldn't leave his rest in anyone's hands but my own. It was the least I owed to him. The fact that my martyr side had kicked in to the point where I wanted to kill myself immediately afterward was supposed to be ignored, but really? It showed pretty much everything there was to know about me that I'd wanted to learn.

So when we were all climbing aboard our Preventors' jet, minus Blondie and the two Hulks and one extremely pissed off Wufei, all I could think was that this situation would be ridiculously hilarious if it weren't worse than my worst nightmares.

Without wanting or meaning to, my mind flashed back to those days during the war when just a word from Heero had been a treasure, and I found that I just couldn't begrudge Quatre and Relena their work on him, getting him to smile and laugh and... love... again. I couldn't begrudge them for it simply because it had been such a short amount of time.

I mean, think about it... he and I were around nineteen years old. Twenty? Not even legal to drink, and he was dead.

Jesus. We hadn't even lifted off and here I was fighting tears.

All around me on the plane were men laughing and joking with one another, pumped for the fight, adrenaline-rushed. It didn't chug through me like it did then; I would feel it later, when the jet was landing, when I could no longer ignore where I was going and why. I let my eyes study the jet and its occupants. Oddly I was happy that Wufei wasn't around. He would probably be stuck thinking the same things I was, trapped here in this plane. But that wasn't quite fair, because he was probably just thinking about them alone in his house, rolling around in a wheelchair and cursing his weakness. I knew the feeling.

At least I would have death looking me in the face. It was as good a distraction as any.

* * *

Okay. I'd been a street rat only __my whole life__ , so I'd never needed to know what the hell Las Vegas was or why, even though it was fucking nighttime, the sky was lit like it was noon. No wonder the men had been so damn excited; there were so many damn lights I felt blinded. I stared out my window in pure shock. Where the fuck were we?

"Did you know," a man beside me said excitedly, "that Las Vegas was once the brightest area when seen from space?"

"Not Tokyo?" another, deeper voice responded, "or NNY?"

The man snorted. "New New York is just a historical city now, dude. No reason for the light show, you know?"

I tuned them out. Brightest city? They were hiding in the brightest – excuse me – ex-brightest city in the world? Who the fuck did they think they were hiding from, the bogeyman? They had to know that major cities were the first places searched. Heero would know. Maybe they had shit they had to do?

Well, in any case, they were screwed now. I tensed, feeling the plane dip. Ever wondered about that? Unlike rockets and spaceships, jets and planes always seemed to drop like they were going down stairs. Plunk. Plunk. If only the air could make noises when it was hit. But wouldn't that get annoying?

It was time to get ready to do what I'd failed to do up to this point. Everyone else was doing the same as me, checking their shit and generally making sure they were ready in case Giraffe-Neck – what was his name? Holden... Landsing? Something like that – had somehow found out we were on his tail. Une informed the crew at large that the device was still blinking and was in the same place, but if Heero found it, then that hardly mattered at all. He'd just plop it to the ground and have Ass Face back up in the air and long gone. Though I have to admit that it broke several air laws to do so. Guess Peanut Anatomy didn't care about that.

Wufei wasn't here to kill that man-whore, so it was up to me to get vengeance for the both of us.

And I would.

"All right, everyone, listen up," Une said, standing before the plane came to a complete and total stop. Guess we weren't exactly following all the rules of the air, either. "There is a hotel called the Rising Stars on the far East edge of the city."

"Casino?" the Vegas-ologist behind me asked. Une just quirked her eyebrow sardonically. I took that to mean that Casino Hotels were the norm here.

Well, that would make this interesting. I remembered vaguely a movie I'd seen with a cop in street clothes darting around in a casino with armed thugs chasing after him. Hopefully we would not have any of that.

"We'll be going in in two groups," she informed us, and continued to lay out a more detailed plan than she'd given us back at HQ. It involved a small sniper team set up in two hotel rooms in the building beside the Rising Stars and two teams, one manned by Lady... uh, I mean Commander... Une herself, and the other led by me again. A lot of the names she listed off as my crew sounded familiar and I recognized them from the bust on Caribol headquarters. Then she said we were going in the same way, one team the front line and the second the cavalry, as it were, and I remembered also a scene with a cop running through a kitchen area.

And why was I thinking of __nuns__ in a casino?

And when Une informed us that my team would be first and that we were going through the back door to infiltrate, I almost busted out laughing.

"Everyone, get ready. We'll be taking civilian cars, no more than three in each car. Only the first two will be within the first block of the building. Each of you will get your assigned seat in a minute. Strike." Duo cocked an eyebrow at her and waited. "You will be in the fifth car, and the four before you will head in without you, so give them good directions before they go in."

I scowled, but it made sense. Heero sometimes seemed to have this sort of radar, and besides, any suspicious people would only be watched and not attacked simply because there was no obvious leader. Without a leader, who's to say they aren't just lost or strange little tourists? There was always someone in the front leading, but a group of people with no real leader could blend.

I nodded and just scowled there in my seat. It made sense. But I still hated it.

It took two bloody freaking hours for everyone to get into position, and by then it was full-blown dark – though you couldn't really bloody well tell because of all the damn lights. The four teams slipped in one after another – a group of two, a group of four, and two groups of three – and separated through the back, some immediately heading up. Our little hacker, who was actually __not__ me this time, was following their progress through the place.

I gave them another minute before Heero sensed something was wrong. Unless he already had.

Then it was my turn to go in, and I did, with two others – a scrawny, freckled dude with hard gray eyes and a guy with surfer hair and a tan that matched the look. I hadn't bothered to learn their names – Freckles and Surfer were good enough.

"Up the stairs," I murmured lowly, and pointed to a set no one had used yet. Of course there had to be three off the dead hallway.

Going up, the entire place shifted from plain and boring to absolutely extravagant. But even up on the second level, the chimes and rings and alarms and shouts and curses could still be heard loud and clear. Giraffe Neck needed to invest in better walls.

Everything was red and gold and covered with tapestries. My two little buddies checked the right hallway for danger while I checked the left. I gently touched my communication link – a brand new one to replace my old piece of shit – and said, "clear." Surfer and Freckles both said the same for their end. Others in the building were calling out similarly.

"Group six," Une said over our link, and I let their reports wash over me until a trigger word shot through.

"Direction?" I queried, and was told to go left. I slipped over to my two cohorts and led them through the hallway. Three doors on each side were supposed to be passed before a four-way intersection would come up. When we got there, my little minions checked left again and I right. "Clear."

"Clear," they told me.

This was just too fucking easy. Where were they? Had we gotten the wrong damn place? But even if we had, surely there would be __some__ security __somewhere__.

"Une, what the fuck?" I demanded softly, and held up a hand for Surfer and Freckles to wait.

"I don't know. Just continue; we'll deal with it when we-"

Then she stopped talking altogether. I waited tensely, straining my ears. Had somethinng happened over on her end.

"Strike."

I jumped a bit at the voice; it wasn't Une's. "Rasid?" I asked, even though I was fairly certain.

"That's right. I'm glad you remember me."

"How couldn't I? You and Quatre were practically attached at the hip."

"Yes. I have been sent here to assist you by Master Quatre."

"Explain," I snapped.

"Master Quatre came here for some rest after recovering from his last ordeal. When he heard of the situation here, he understood that he would be in danger and sent us to help take care of the situation."

I couldn't imagine Quatre actually gambling. I understood it immediately for the cover-up it was. "How far have your men cleaned?" I asked, even as my head tried to wrap around the fact that Quatre was still doing everything he could to help me despite the fact that Trowa was bound and determined to hate my guts.

"We are currently about..." Duo imagined the big man looking over Une's charts. "Ten paces to the right of you. We saw Yuy in-"

"Heero?! Where?" Duo hissed, just barely remembering to keep his voice down.

"In the room just off the right of the turn," the man said, sounding confused. "We believed him to have successfully taken care of Landsing-"

"That's not Heero," Duo snapped. "Freckles, go assist the Maguanacs and inform them of the situation. Surfer, you're coming with me. We'll meet up with Yuy."

"Sir," both murmured.

Rasid cursed. "He is the enemy?"

"Yes."

"Sir, he may very well know of our positions," Surfer said.

"Then we'd better hurry," Duo said lowly, snarling slightly. Hell. Having the Maguanacs was all well and good, but they'd totally blown their cover. But if Heero was this close and the opulent hallways this silent – going off the assumption that they would be this silent no matter what – their cover may well have gotten blown, anyway. Especially with all the gunfire there would have been. I wondered how the Maguanacs had gotten through.

"Let's move. Freckles, get going."

Freckles went out just before we did, keeping low as he ran. We did the same, but we stopped on each side of the door in question while Freckles ran to meet up with the other Maguanacs.

With a nod to each other, we both busted down the door at the exact same instant.

There was another secret elevator, but it looked like we'd just caught Heero and Giraffe-Neck – Landsing – just before they got in and slid away. Heero immediately stepped off and pulled his gun on us.

"Sir, please leave," Heero said, and bashed the wall – the button – and closed the elevator doors before Landsing could offer up agreement or contention. Surfer and I managed to hide behind the wall just in time to avoid becoming swiss cheese.

"Sir," Surfer called to me, "I just thought you should know – it's Shurver, not Surfer."

I wanted to laugh. The guy had actually thought I'd mistaken his last name. But I knew the laughter would morph into something a little bit interesting and swallowed it back. "Understood," I gave him, and he smiled.

"And the other is Xeckler."

What the fuck, man?

"Stay back," I ordered, and threw a grenade, unwilling to try to whole frag launcher when Heero could blow me to pieces before I got it properly launched.

The room blew up predictably.

"Quick, go after that damn elevator," I hissed. "Climb the cables if you have to. Maguanacs," I called through the link, watching... Shurver... slide into the room while the dust hid him. "I need some back-up here; and make sure you secure that damn roof." No more fucking flying off when the shit hits the fan.

I squinted into the room as the dust began to settle. Well, at least one room didn't look like the Taj Mahal anymore. I wasn't surprised to find the room empty, but it did make me fear for Mr. Not-Surfer. "Shurver, status," I hissed, walking into the room.

"Clear," I heard called back, and the man's voice wasn't quite low enough to mean he was only in clear for a little while longer. That meant Heero had found another way out.

I looked at all the broken windows and took an educated guess as to how.

"Goddammit," I muttered, then, "good, Shurver. Stay on course. I'm going after Yuy."

"Roger that."

Shurver. The more I thought about it, the more the name sounded more like sherbet than anything else.

I stepped carefully through the mess, climbing over a couple loose boards and around a few tapestries that looked like they'd seen better days. If they'd been tapestries of war, I would have laughed at the irony.

Then I was to the windows, two hulking masses of now-open space that led to the roof right above this floor. The roof, I remembered, was red, while Heero had been dressed in a new outfit like a black-and-red suit. Almost military, and one that excellently showed off his muscular form. But that, I told myself firmly, was __not__ Heero anymore. And that made my earlier thought just want to whine.

I carefully stretched a broken piece of wood out of the window and just barely let it flick, testing to see if Heero was waiting for pursuit. He wasn't.

Which meant he had an agenda.

And which meant he had all intentions of getting to said agenda before any of us managed to catch up with him.

I scrambled onto the ledge and carefully wiggled out a hand, ready to pull it back in an instant. Still there was no gunshot, or even any noise. Heero, then, was not on the roof immediately above me.

I climbed out and looked around. There were a few bystanders on the ground looking up and pointing at me – apparently the lights of Las Vegas made it easy as hell to see me. Well, if I'd been going for stealth, the jig was up.

"Sir," I heard over the link, and recognized Shurver's voice. He was keeping it down – bad sign. "We're underground. Landsing is here, along with two others. Should we attack?"

"Guards?" I hissed.

"None, sir."

I thought about it for a second, then called for Une.

"Yes, I know." Her voice was low, too, seeming to react to the urgency she and I must have both been feeling. "There's someone else."

"Someone higher than Landsing," I confirmed. "Why else wouldn't Heero be protecting Landsing himself? There's someone else he needs to get to."

"Understood. Shurvey, did you copy this?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Then I want you to take those three men. I'll send Maguanacs down to assist you."

A woman from below suddenly screamed so loudly I almost fell off the roof in surprise. Son of a bitch; I'd almost forgotten about the casino below me.

"Keep them there. Strike, get Yuy. No matter what, dead or alive. Understand?"

As if she had to tell me. "No shit?" I sent back to her, and sent a glare in the vague direction of the ground below me. I hoped someone out there saw it; it looked stupid to glare at nothing.

"Strike," she warned.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going."

And I proceeded to do just that.

* * *

* * *

The woman that had screamed loud enough to almost make me take a freefall off the roof was still going strong, but apparently she was screaming in joy – go figure. I took that to mean that the woman had won something.

But her luck, however it may be or last, wasn't that strong a concern for me. I had to find out where Heero had gone, because he was going to secure the head honcho of this damn group. And that man needed to be killed. And... so did Heero.

Needed to be killed, I mean.

I knew he'd come out of the window, and I was pretty certain he'd gone up, since the idea that the man in charge of Caribol being close to the other execs or whatever was just ridiculous. If they were all in the basement and he wasn't anywhere near them, then he most likely was trapped somewhere far away. Being nearby was stupid – he could have just been in that room with the others and have a billion guards. Hell, just having Heero around would give him enough edge to probably escape with the rest of his little lackeys.

No. He was somewhere else. Somewhere high up. Somewhere that was not in easy reach of their little underground safehouse.

And when I found him, I would find Heero. Or vice versa.

The roof, red as those stupid tapestries, was tapered off at the top, though there was no helicopter waiting to conveniently lift the baddies off. The place still looked like someone could stand up there without too much of a problem at all. Was Heero waiting for me up there?

It was one of those look-it-goes-up-in-a-slant-but-levels-off deals, something that looks cool but is a real bitch to clean. The roof went up in curved metallic tiles that were difficult to be silent on. Those tiles seemed to go up above the flooring on the flat part of the roof, but I imagined that there would be a sort of red tile thing up there, too, but flat, to continue the appearance of classy opulence from a bird's eye view. Climbing up was an exercise in patience and annoyance both in turns; I pitied the poor soul that had to come up and spit shine this thing.

I was careful when I reached the top; I looked over the top of the roof – It looked almost Japanese, but the Japanese would never make a roof this god-awful color – and gazed up quickly before ducking back down. Yup, there were people up there, all right. But who the hell were they?

I had thought one was Heero. That was enough for me to act.

I decided for the surprise option and just leaped up then and there, deciding a grenade would work and just pulling out the pin as I jumped-

I deliberately missed and cried out in alarm.

Quatre and Heero stood on the roof together.

Quatre turned and looked at me in shock, seemingly hardly aware of the gun that Heero had trained on him and a bit more concerned with my sudden appearance and most likely to him unnecessary violence.

Heero reacted rather predictably, of course, turning sideways so that neither Quatre, who was on the opposite end of the roof, nor I was at his back, then turned his gun on me and fired. Quatre shouted then, yelling at Heero, telling him it was only me. Fuck. Wufei and I really should have taken the time to explain just what the situation was.

"Enemy!" I shouted to Quatre, who seemed to absolutely not understand the word whatsoever. I ran over to him, simply throwing my next-to-last grenade just to cause a distraction. Then I caught up the blond and jumped off the opposite side of the roof.

"Duo!" the blond shouted, "what the hell-"

"Not Heero," I panted, then leaped up again, leaving Quatre behind. I was glad to see Trowa in that moment watching us in complete shock but already moving, already reacting. He went to Quatre's side from where he'd waited on this side of the roof and despite everything I felt relief, knowing he would protect Quatre. Then I turned my attention fully to Heero and watched him turn that gun of his on me. I had just enough time to regret the loss of my surprise attack when he fired.

I would say my brilliant dodging skills led to my getting only a clip on the arm, but it was simply because a piece of shrapnel from the stupid red roof paneling blinded him for half a millisecond. Lady Luck must not have hated me, after all.

My own gun was in my hand then, aiming for Heero. I couldn't explain the pain of it. It would be impossible. I didn't hesitate simply because I'd already resolved myself to this situation. But the pain never died, never receded, but only strengthened and morphed itself, taking my peace of mind, my happiness. It constricted my throat and chest and made it hard to breathe. It was all clichéd, all so... it sounded like a bad romance novel. A sci-fi romance, maybe.

But the pain tore through me as strong as ever as I aimed down my barrel and looked at Heero and knew without a doubt that he was gone to me and I was alone and it hurt so __much__ to pull that trigger, even knowing that Heero would dodge.

He did, and to the right, scowling in a way that said he was tired of the interruptions. Obstacles. He'd always hated those.

 _ _I'll always wait,__ I'd told him, even though it was stupid, even though it may very well have been a lie, since I had no intention of waiting __here__ , on Earth. I rolled to avoid Heero's counterattack and pulled out my last grenade – __distraction__ – and threw it, not knowing how the hell the bastard managed to not even get his fucking clothes torn when I did it and not letting myself think about whether his clothes were merely some sort of... of mechanical thing, like a hologram – maybe there was nothing left of him that was human, nothing at all but a hologram of skin and eyes – and just __moved__.

I ignored the shrapnel flying pretty much everywhere and got up into Heero's face. It was a startling thought that pulled through my mind as I looked up at him, but my brain went on its tangent anyway and I wondered if Heero's lips were cold now.

But then I just reached up my hand and... and...

And I shot him.

I realized it as soon as I did it, as soon as I heard the squelch and sound of flesh and organs getting ripped apart and the splash of blood and there was __no metal__ and __he was human__.

I think I might have screamed.

I caught him in my arms as he fell, those eyes of his completely unseeing, that beautiful body of his limp. And I just screamed and screamed and screamed.

"Strike! Strike!" I heard Une yell through the link, but I just couldn't think to answer her. I touched Heero's neck with a hand that shook like palsy as his blood fell all over me. For a second I couldn't hear his heartbeat and I just fucking freaked, but then I felt a weak thread of a beat and sobbed in relief.

I didn't know I was chanting his name until Quatre suddenly screamed out __my__ name.

"Help him," I begged, turning to Quatre, desperate, panicked. "Help him, please God help him; I didn't know, I didn't know. Heero. Heero, Heero..."

"Move, Duo," Quatre ordered, and I could tell he was in his own little soldier mode and I backed off immediately, knowing I was useless. I felt Heero's blood all over me; my clothes were absolutely soaked. "Trowa, get in touch with Une right now and tell her we need an ambulance. Duo, what the hell is going on here?!"

My eyes didn't stray from Heero's and I recognized that look of death from when he'd blown himself up. I wasn't screaming anymore, thank goodness, but my head was swimming and I couldn't concentrate on anything but the fact that __I'd killed Heero__ and-

"Report!" Quatre snapped and it made me jump. My mouth moved one hundred percent without my permission. G's training, after all, had been pretty damn grueling.

"Heero had been sent out for recon... mission failure. He hadn't reported back. And then Chang and I had gone in two months later and Heero had shown up and Giraffe-Neck said he was one of his cyborgs but he's __not__ , he's obviously not because..." And I just gestured down at Heero's prone form and felt tears – oh shit, they'd been there this whole time, just begging to fall – and they did, right then and there. I didn't let them stop me from standing, from taking my gun and just saying to hell with it. My mission hadn't changed. Kill – and here my mind tripped – kill Heero, then kill Landsing, then kill myself. I altered that just a tiny bit – kill Landsing's __boss__ , then kill myself. Fine. Plans needed to be loose enough for improvisation, anyway.

"Please, Quatre, take care of him," I begged. I knew I had no right to even try. "I need to end this." __For both of us__.

Quatre's clear blue eyes shifted for an instant, and I knew he was reading me. "I understand, Duo. Go ahead; we'll take care of things here. Trowa?"

Trowa carefully didn't look at me. "Fine."

I didn't care whether he hated me or not anymore. It was fine – I absolutely, one thousand percent hated myself more than anyone else ever could. "I'm going."

"Take care," Quatre murmured. But he knew I didn't care enough to bother, and he knew he couldn't change that. Not as things were.

I ignored the shouts and messages and curses from the link for only another minute before they just drove me crazy – and I kept hearing 'Agent Yuy' over and over again and it just hurt too much. I took the thing off and broke it. That was the second one I'd broken – Une would no doubt be pissed.

I slid off the roof and simply went for the window right beneath me. The room was empty, but I had expected that. There was probably a hidden room up above, though, one most likely accessed from only one specific room, and most likely hidden. I didn't have the patience to look in each room.

Instead I just shot up into the ceiling in a circle and punched the plaster in. If I'd been in control of my senses, I might have cursed for the pain, because I'm certain something that made my knuckles bleed had to hurt. But I wasn't and I didn't and I just grabbed the ceiling with one hand, carefully aiming my gun with my other hand.

"Zero-one! What the hell took you so long?!" a man shouted.

Zero-one? Like the number? I felt a short, startling burst of fury and levered myself up in a short second, my gun turning to point unerringly in the direction of the voice. I was unsurprised to see a fairly fat man squatting up there in that dusty little room with a ceiling no higher than four feet and staring at me with wide, stubby little eyes and flapping jaws and fat lips, like some sort of old mafia boss or something.

"Wh-Who are you? What are you doing here?!"

Why? Why had Heero been working for this guy? What was it about this man that made Heero want to pretend...

Pretend. I almost choked on it as it came flittering into my mind – of course. Heero had been undercover __because__ of this man – because we hadn't known about him.

God.

"Zero-one!" the man shrieked, panicked.

"Dead," I told him, and took at least some small delight from his look of horrified realization. I saw a gun beside him, lying prone where he'd placed it when he'd stupidly thought I was Heero coming to save him. I wondered if Heero would have just come in here and done exactly what I was going to do.

I nodded to the gun. "Pick that up."

The man jerked in surprise. "Huh?"

This time I jerked my gun over to point to it before steadying it once again on him. I carefully pulled my knee up to hold me as well as my arm and scowled. "Pick it up."

The man managed by sheer force of will to pick it up, and I could've almost given him a couple of brownie points for it but for my utter hatred of him. Almost instinctively he turned it on me and stared in confusion. "N-Now what?"

I shrugged. "Now I kill you." And before he could react, I emptied half a clip into the man's skull. He wouldn't be recognizable to his own mother now.

Then with a small sigh, I rose my gun up just a little bit more until it was resting gently against my temple.

* * *

* * *

It was a relief to feel the cool metal against my head, almost like a wet rag on feverish skin. Or perhaps like a Coke bottle on a sweaty neck. I let it rest there for a moment and took stock of myself.

Was this what I wanted? The quick death, the easy out? Yes, a part of me said instantly, but the rest of me doubted. Maybe I'd asked the question wrong. Was this what I __deserved__? The quick death, the easy way out?

No, I answered, almost as quickly as I had the first. A quick death was the last thing I deserved for... for...

I felt sick. His blood was still on me, on my clothes, on my hands, on my __face__... I was stained with it, irrevocably stained, and I could never wash it away.

His acting had all been just that. I didn't know how he'd managed it, or what had happened to him, or how it'd come to be. All I knew was that he'd been acting and I'd fallen for it and I'd...

Somehow, in my mind it had warped to him believing that I would see, or maybe that I hadn't seen but that I would still trust him enough to not... to not shove a bullet through his ribs. I couldn't imagine what he'd felt that split instant before the impact had really hit him – shock, perhaps, and hurt. Not physical hurt, because of course he'd felt that, but more of the emotional variety, because I couldn't imagine the pain of having Heero kill me.

Of course now I would be thrilled for it. Not only would it mean that Heero was... was conscious, and strong enough to lift a gun, strong enough to kill me, but because it would be a sort of justice. It was only fair to be killed by Heero.

I wept. My arm fell limp and my gun fell to my side and I just... wept.

No. Heero couldn't do it for me. I needed to do it myself, and now more than ever it was imperative to take away any peaceful death that could be available to me.

I had no communication link. There were noises from downstairs – apparently the dinging and chiming of the casino stuff could no longer drown out the sounds of explosions and gunfire. Or maybe Une and her men had stormed through that floor now, too. Were the men in the underground safely officially in custody now? Didn't matter. I would rely on Une to take care of it.

I slipped away from the building with absolutely no more thought to it than that.

* * *

Was it pathetic that I hacked into the hospital's files and waited in an old hotel room, laptop on my knees, to see Heero's name crop up on the screen before thinking of my next step? Heero came in alive, thank every God there was, but he was in critical condition and went straight into surgery. I sent up a prayer to every god I could think of, even ancient ones that no one believed in anymore. And then I begged Shinigami to be content with only my own death, to not want Heero, to let him live.

Then I made a mental list of all the ingredients I would need for my poison of choice.

It was hard to think about that, despite everything, because I just couldn't think past  _ _Heero might still die__. Thinking about myself in any way – hell, thinking about running from the fear, no matter how painful the trip – made me feel like a coward, almost like a heathen. I should suffer through every moment of worry, of fear and concern. I knew, too, that I should go to the hospital. I should be there in the waiting room glaring at the magazines and pacing and just... thinking. But I was at least doing the last two here in my hotel room and, really? The thought that one can help the one they love by waiting nearby was just... stupid.

And I had absolutely no right to be there, anyway.

You know, maybe I'd been lying to himself all along. Maybe I really __am__ a masochist.

Or maybe I was just afraid? Afraid to take that final step?

...So I would wait for Heero, I decided. The end result wouldn't change; I would still kill myself no matter what. But still... still, I just had to know. I had to know whether my mistake had cost Heero his life.

I watched my computer screen as I sat, my eyes never leaving the little note that read 'in surgery,' as if my focus alone could make Heero come out. But even as I thought that, I realized I'd rather have that sign on for hours, for days, than have it turn off and have that little time and date and the words 'unable to save' plastered all over his file.

When I couldn't stand just sitting there anymore, I stood and paced, my eyes flickering over to that screen a thousand times a minute. I prayed some more. Begged some more. Apologized a little and wondered if the gods wouldn't think I was being presumptuous and selfish. Or maybe they were just mocking me with the wait?

Then, when I thought I would absolutely go mad, I sat down in front of my computer again and open up my Word Document and just wrote.

I hadn't done this in a long, long, time; the words were almost painful when they slipped out of me. But still, I managed one more poem for him, a sort of apology, though at the time I wrote it I had no idea that I would be apologizing to anyone.

 _ _I have torn your wings__ , I wrote, then,

 _I have torn your wings._  
I stole the bounty from the harvest,  
Stole the hope from duty's hardest  
Branches broken from my mighty swings.

 _I have torn your wings._  
So desperate for you to stay with me,  
A man unable to be free,  
Furious token of my love's aimings.

 _I have torn your wings._  
My broken wings stole from me flight,  
And so I cursed the skies each night  
And all those who would sing.

 _I have torn your wings._  
But now that you lie bleeding,  
I can see what I'd been feeling  
Dying lonely, purest king.

 _I have torn your wings,_  
And in such I have been stained,  
Irrevoc'bly shamed,  
Bearing burdens my abhorrent sinning brings.

Then without thought I segued straight into reciting all of the poems on my Wing, starting with "Forgive These Broken Wings of Mine" and ending with "Poisoned Lies." Then, on more of a hope than a whim, I typed, __dedicated to__ and wrote another poem before closing up the document.

Then, as I hadn't allowed myself during the long process, I looked at Heero's file. I almost sobbed when I saw __out of surgery__ followed immediately by __stable__.

I had to leave the bed for fear my tears might mess up my computer.

I couldn't have read past those words then, not with the way my vision blurred all over the place. I hadn't killed him. He was stable. Count on Heero. But then I just barely had the sense to move my laptop a good ways away from the bed before I just collapsed on it and let myself, possibly for the first time in my life, to just indulge in the tears for... gods, it must have been at least fifteen minutes of just... sobbing.

I hadn't killed him.

It was like a mobius strip in my head, over and over again – I hadn't killed him. I hadn't killed him. Heero was alive.

I was an interesting little mess when I finally got myself under control again all those minutes later. I had snot dribbling down my nose and my eyes were so puffy they felt like they'd both been punched, and I knew they were red and bloodshot as all hell. I could only imagine how special I looked. I carefully didn't look in the wall-to-wall mirror in the hotel bathroom as I got my sorry self cleaned up.

Okay. I could no longer hide behind Heero's uncertain well-being to avoid what I needed to do. So I just rolled my shoulders and headed out.

I knew by now someone would be looking for me, trying to inform me of Heero's condition. If they were astute – or if Wufei were conscious – they would get a stab in the dark as to what I was planning. I'd signed into this hotel under a false name, but my description wasn't exactly what one would call nondescript. In other words, I didn't have that much time to do my little deed. I sighed. If anything, I should probably sign out and snatch the shit I needed while going somewhere else.

That decided, I turned in my keys and got my ass moving.

For the little kiddies' sake, I shall refrain from mentioning the contents needed to make strychnine. I would merely say that it took some time and a couple interesting stops in some little back-alleys. These, of course, occurred come nighttime. Then all night I drove off to the West, thinking it stupidly symbolic – and further away from home, which was over to the East. Home. Ha. Right.

I carefully skirted around that mental topic and just drove. I didn't indulge in music for once, too afraid of potential lyrics. I couldn't say how many topics I ended up shoving from my mind – homes and houses, friends, lyrics, the war, Wufei, dragons, and anything and everything even remotely blue. But then I found those last moments with Heero and just let them replay in my mind, even as I cringed and winced and... let no man ever learn of this... teared up.

It was my focus. It was my reason for acting this way. Not only had I... had I tried to kill him – I forced myself to think the words, to link them together that way – but I'd killed him for no good reason. A part of me wanted to point out that, at the time, I'd fully believed that there __was__ a good reason... but... I just couldn't try to rationalize those dead eyes.

The sudden onslaught of tears was humiliating and sharp. I blinked them away and concentrated on th road. It was almost morning, almost time for a new dawn. I suddenly wanted very badly to find out how Heero was doing. Was he still stable, or had he developed an infection during the night? The skeleton staff at the hospital was good, but they just couldn't hold a candle to the daytime staff. Had he made it through all right?

With all of my ingredients, I had nothing to worry about except the problem of a hotel room. I solved that in a matter of fifteen more minutes. I had no idea why an inn was named 'The Days Inn.' I'd always wondered about it; did the name mean the inn was owned by the day, or that the inn was open for only days and not nights? Literally, the name made no sense.

The room, when I entered with my bag-o-drug-wannabe, was about as nondescript as I was not. Two beds – an almost painful reminder of my... of what I'd done – and a bathroom off the very front of the room, then a lounge-type area with a tiny nightstand-ish table and two chairs and a balcony that was probably about as used as the little lounge area.

I took the time to put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door – I'd borrowed the room for two days, just in case – and carefully ripped down the shower and used some nails I'd belatedly bought to stick up the shower curtain to hide off the bedroom-and-lounge part of the room. Then I took out a big sheaf of paper – also belatedly bought, along with the marker and tape – and wrote on the paper,  _ _I have committed suicide. Please don't look beyond this curtain. Just call the police and stay out of the room. Thank you.__

No matter what I did, the note would sound presumptuous and tacky. I sighed. Well, it was the best I could do.

I couldn't help it; I had to click in my computer and log in to the hotel's wireless internet and hack once more into Heero's files.

Still stable.

He hadn't woken up yet, but that was all right. Sleeping off the painkillers and post-surgery drugs was a good thing. Knowing he was still safe made it possible to move to the bathroom – internet still carefully monitoring Heero's progress – and set up my fix-a-poison.

It took a number of hours, and I was really starting to feel the fatigue of a night's lack of sleep, when I finally finished. I let it sit as it needed to and checked Heero's progress one more time – no change – before going to sleep.

I woke up no more than an hour later and went straight to the bathroom. My little slip of nux vomica didn't look that different from a normal drink, even though there was only a little bit there in one of those look-we-give-you-coffee-and-coffee-cups things that the hotel always left for you in the bathroom (next to the sink; way to go, people). I filled a second cup with water and dumped the strychnine inside that, carefully swoshing the liquid as I returned to the bed. My stomach was clamping up just __thinking__ about drinking this. I knew very well that I was going to be hurting myself very, very badly.

Just for the record, maybe I should explain a few things that Mr. Layman wouldn't understand. Let's start with some basic information on strychnine. It works fast – about three hours once the symptoms hit, which may take up to a couple of hours to occur. These symptoms are roughly based around the harsh constriction of muscles that forces one's body to bend and twist in unnatural positions, all the while feeling intense pain. These bouts of muscle spasming would some and go, and when they left one would feel tired and dehydrated but mostly well-off. Then the constricting would begin anew, last longer, hurt more, and cause more damage. This would occur until death, which would happen while the victim lie conscious. I would die well aware of how I'd stupidly put myself in the position I would be in. And, due to the constriction of muscles, I may very well die smiling like the Joker or something.

Now let's discuss possible saves. In other words, the likelihood of me surviving this stupidity. Once the constricting starts, I will not be able to get myself to a hospital. I would not be able to drive; I would hardly be able to get my pain-wearied body turned over to grab the phone and demand nine-one-one... I took the chance to unhook the phone then, just in case I was tempted to try, anyway. However, if someone happened across me within the first hour or so of my constrictions, I could potentially be saved. Note, of course, that I had asked for the room for two days – no chance to be found by a well-wishing maid until long after that time period was up.

Finally, let's discuss G. My favorite codger in the world – pfft. He'd trained me like a dog, made me physically stronger and faster than most humans. I would also like to mention that he immunized me as much as possible against certain drugs and some poisons. It would have been impossible, of course, to immunize me against strychnine completely. But the bastard __had__ trained me to at least survive longer. So though the average time between start of constrictions and death was three hours, for me it would be four. For once, I was very much unhappy with the results of this particular training. I would be in agony that much longer.

So, information now in hand, you could potentially see why I was a bit reluctant to use this on myself.

Even the picture of Heero's blank, suddenly to my eyes shocked face didn't take away the nausea roiling around in my stomach.

"I love you," I told that image, then clenched my eyes shut and just gulped the drink down.

* * *

* * *

The taste was practically like any other water. Maybe it would have been the same if I hadn't known I was drinking something more. I placed the cup carefully on the nightstand and got off the bed and onto the floor – on the bed and writhing wouldn't be very good, though I suppose the end result would make the effort moot – and stretched out straight. It would take a little while for this to kick in, and maybe that was good.

I regretted my actions already, and the pain hadn't even started. I felt fear twisting and clawing at my gut. I'd never really tried to kill myself before. I wondered how much it would hurt. I wondered if I could regulate my breathing, and tried. Then when I started wondering if I was fucking stupid, I saw that last moment when I'd pulled that trigger and tried to not let my fear get me running down the hall and begging for someone to call a hospital.

I don't know exactly how long it took – my mind wanted to say just over three hours – for me to start feeling restless, wanting to move. I recognized it as the first symptom and just rode it out, tensing despite myself. Then training kicked in and I was limp on the floor, my body automatically defending against the spread of the poison.

Only a few minutes later, however, I felt the restlessness morph into desperation. It felt like my airway was clogged, and each breath felt like it was being squeezed in through a straw. Soon the convulsions would begin. I closed my eyes and tried to ready myself as much as possible. I'd heard Hilde explain getting her eyebrows waxed once, and couldn't help but link it to that – to the body's tensing at the thought of the pain, and of the will that dampens the desire to tense until it's merely a desire, until the brows are limp due only to the force of the mind. And then the wax paper would be put on the brow and ripped off, and the pain would make you jump even though you'd been expecting it.

I would say that last part was similar, too, but I didn't get the chance to jump.

It would be impossible to correctly describe the feeling of one's muscles spasming without one's permission. My face muscles pulled first, giving me a wide grin, pulling my muscles like they were tied to oxen. The pain didn't shock me so much as the effect – the knowledge that I probably looked like I'd been gassed by the Joker's crazy poison spray, left with a grin that spoke of madness. My eyelids were torn open for me to gape at the ceiling as my muscles constricted and ripped and then thrust me onto my head and toes and the rest of me just popped up into the air.

If acid could pull and stretch and manipulate muscles, I would say that this was all being done by hydrochloric acid – no, worse than that. And I could feel __other__ muscles being twisted and ripped apart and squeezed. Not many think about it, but really? Organs are muscles, too.

My jaw locked into place and wouldn't move for anything, and then I bowed forward, my legs lifting up off the ground so that I balanced mostly on my tailbone before falling to my side. If my jaw hadn't been locked, I would have screamed. My eyes, I knew, were almost wide enough to have the orbs pop out of my skull.

I was infinitely glad I couldn't make any sounds when I heard movement outside the door, coming from the hallway. It was almost amazing that I managed to hear it, to have the information sink into my brain.

Then I was pulled into a circle, my neck bending backwards so quickly I thought for a second it would break my spine, and I couldn't care less what some asshole was doing in the hallway.

This had been a bad idea.

And when the spasming stopped, it was with a sudden and immediate halt that had me collapsing to the floor, my entire body shaking in the aftereffects. Jesus.

I knew what was going to happen now. I knew it was a sort of 'eye in the storm' type of deal, that the clenching agony would return. But for now, all that touched me were a bone-weary tiredness and the desire to drink about a gallon of water. I ignored both needs – if I gave in and took a drink, it would only hurt more and make the agony last longer. Trying to help myself would be a pathetic waste of time and resources.

And that would be about the time I heard the outrageously loud pounding on the hotel door.

Well fuck.

"Duo!" I heard Quatre scream, and I wanted to run away – like I'd get far. I heard another voice, low and mumbled, then Quatre again, snapping now. "Give me the key – give it to me or I'll fucking shoot you."

And he must've had that 'Zero' look on his face or something because damned if the man didn't slip the key in that next second. I heard him storm in with a kind of wearied resignation. My luck just fucking sucked.

Or maybe... maybe it was like when Deathscythe had refused to blow us both up, and it was supposed to be good luck?

Or maybe it was God's sick sense of humor. Bastard.

A strangled little half-scream told me Quatre's successfully read my note, and then a tearing sound of the curtain being forcefully ripped away from the hall. "Duo!" he screamed. "Duo – oh Allah no, no..."

I could just imagine the horrified look on his face, his hands over his mouth and those baby blue eyes wide. "I'm still alive," I told him. My voice was raw. I carefully kept my eyes on the ceiling, knowing they were still wide as saucers.

He wasted no time in pouncing to my side and kneeling down, checking me over for wounds. "Where...?" he asked, then stopped, seeming to understand that I hadn't made any outwardly visible wounds. "What?" he breathed.

I opened my mouth to tell him when I saw a very, very tall presence loom suddenly on Quatre's left. I sighed. "Hi, Tro... Trowa."

"Duo."

Uber, flaming pissed. Well fine. "Love you too, man," I said without thinking. Some unknown voice made a choking sound. I figured that to be the poor sap who'd had his key taken from him. I wondered if the sign could be seen anymore. "Maybe you should leave," I called to the man I couldn't see.

"Yes. You should leave," Quatre said quietly, but he didn't look at the man, either. "Trowa, please-"

"Already on it," he said, voice quick and cool.

"He's still okay?" I had to ask, had to know. It was imperative that I know.

"Yes," Quatre said firmly, and he picked up my hand. "Duo, I need to know what you... what you..."

I sighed and pulled my hand from his. I could feel a quick wave of pain spiking up my spine. And just like that, my jaw once again locked into place.

My eyes widened just as I body tore into an interesting little 'S' shape, and I very distinctly heard Quatre cry out in a voice laden with despair. Even Trowa cursed, and very perfunctorily. But then my stomach hardened to rock and I forgot, for a while, to care about what they were doing.

The next thing I knew, Quatre was on his hands and knees beside me crying, half-ordering me not to give up, that Heero would cry, that it would be all my fault if he did and did I want that? It almost made me laugh; just forty-eight hours ago, I wouldn't have thought Heero capable of crying anymore.

And then there was a fucking horde of voices – how much time had passed? I was still convulsing on the floor like a fish out of water, and I could only think __humiliating__ before I felt hands on me and someone trying to soothe me and someone else trying to __do__ something; Quatre, who at some point had begun putting wet cloths to my skin, took them away now and begged me to last long enough, to not have the poison too deep in my system that it couldn't be flushed out.

And slowly my body began to un-tense, just as it had before, but this time it took a bit longer for the throes to let me loose; they would return much quicker now. Still, with G's training, Quatre'd had plenty of time to get some help for me. I wasn't that surprised; count on Quatre to find me.

As soon as I stopped bouncing around like a dying turkey, I was lifted onto a gurney and carried out of the hotel room – oh yeah definitely humiliating – and put into the back of an ambulance. I wasn't surprised to see Quatre's blond head following after me, but I was to see Trowa's torso trailing after him. But maybe he just didn't want Quatre alone. Both for his physical safety... and his emotional safety.

"Sorry for being selfish," I told him when I was sure my jaw would let me.

Quatre's tears were still running a mile a minute. I felt like such a bastard. That was one good thing about being successful – you may have been selfish, but you didn't have to deal with the consequences of it. "Don't be stupid," he sobbed out. "I don't... care about that." And he placed his head onto my little make-shift bed and just cried away.

Wincing at the sight, I turned to Trowa. "How did you...?"

"Wufei told us," Trowa said shortly, "as soon as he woke up. When we'd told him what happened, he'd told us you would commit suicide and that we had to find you immediately. You weren't at home. Quatre understood that you would need to check on Heero's progress and set up a security device through the files. That led us to you."

I sighed. "Yeah. I had to know." I left it at that.

It was then that the next stage of contractions lifted me almost off of the stretcher, and only Quatre's hands kept me from falling over. I knew my rigor mortis-like grin was back in place because my face felt like melted metal was boiling on its surface, holding it in place and blistering it all at the same time.

"Hold on, Duo! We're getting you to the hospital; they've already given you a general anti-poison, it should slow the strychnine down, so just hold on, okay?!"

I wished, then, that I hadn't given myself a poison that rendered it impossible for me to talk. Otherwise, I would have tried to console him in some way. Or tell Trowa to just get him out of there. Or something.

I went into an acrobatic contortionist thing and lost my ability to decode what I was hearing. I thought I heard the medic talking to Quatre, and then Quatre snapping back at him. Then, as my body flipped in a one-eighty stretch, I heard Trowa say, "he lives or you die." I wondered why he said it, and if he meant it.

Then Quatre was either ignoring the medic or had already effectively chewed his ass out, because he was telling me to hold on again. It was around then that I felt, quite sharply and very distinctly, the feel of my stomach hardening to stone. I wished I could scream.

"Hold on!" he screamed, then he was screaming some more and I knew he was venting on the poor medic, all Zero-mode and creepy on him, then he was crying and Trowa said something soft, but it was a little menacing, so I figured he was either talking to the medic or to me.

My stomach felt like it was rock, pressing against several other rocks and just grating, grating against each other, rubbing back and forth on my other organs until they were chipping away at each other slowly, slowly, little rock-flakes dribbling into my bloodstream and cutting my arteries and veins. And through it all, I had no choice but to look up at the top of that ambulance and grin like a fool.

I'd underestimated the pain. Unbearable wasn't true; I had no choice but to bear with it. Unendurable wasn't true, because so far my body had endured. It wouldn't forever, obviously-

My body flipped into a circle again, but this time I distinctly felt my lungs and heart pressed to the edge of my rib cage and suddenly remembered how the victim of strychnine poisoning died – the respiratory tract failed, turning to stone just like my digestive tract and I wouldn't be able to breathe and I would die because my lungs wouldn't work. I could feel them getting to that point. I could __feel__ it.

"We're here!" Quatre sobbed in relief, and I felt myself being wheeled out of the ambulance. Thank God the drug was letting me go again, letting me get my short break before I died. And the next one would kill me. I knew it as surely as I knew the ingredients of strychnine.

My body calmed down as they wheeled me in. "Quatre," I said tiredly, and immediately grabbed his attention. He was, after all, wheeling me in with the rest of them, his hands right by my head.

"Duo?" He seemed to understand that I only had something important to say; otherwise why would I waste my breath?

I sighed, a sound almost lost beneath the shouts for various medical apparati. "You'll have to overdose me. A lot."

He touched my cheek, not slowing down the process to... where were we going? Well, not slowing down. "We'll save you, Duo."

"Heero," I breathed, and felt fear make my exhausted heart test its cage once more.

And again, Quatre seemed to understand. "He's stable, Duo."

"Don't lie," Trowa muttered. "He's in a coma."

...what?

"Trowa!" Quatre snapped, turning to his lover with blazing baby eyes. "You shouldn't say..." But then Quatre's eyes locked with mine and widened so much they were stricken. "Shouldn't say that," he whispered finally, as if he was obligated to finish the sentence but couldn't care less anymore.

For a second I thought the next flash had started, because I couldn't move and I felt how wide my eyes were and the pain was overwhelming me – but then I realized that the pain was different, that it wasn't my muscles that were screaming but my heart, and that it was... "since...?"

"We got the call from Wufei just before we arrived at the hotel," Trowa told me, his eyes hard. As if saying that hearing this news was only fair, considering what I'd done. He was right. "He slipped into a coma. I wonder... was it because he heard Wufei yelling at us?" His eyes glinted. "That he heard what you'd most likely done because of him?"

"No, not because-" But I was wheeled into a room then and couldn't tell Trowa the important thing, that it was because of my own stupidity and not because of Heero at all, to beg him to tell Heero that...

No. No. Heero couldn't die. He couldn't die. Not because of me. Please. No.

"Give him five times the normal amount?!" I heard one doctor shout, and realized that Quatre was sending alone my message. Fuck. I'd gone with the flow because of his tears and now...

I tuned out the nurses' shouts and just... floated. I felt the next pour of metal on my face and welcomed, for once, the indescribable agony that forced me to pull my thoughts to it, that didn't allow me to wallow in sorrow, that didn't give me the time to do such things.

"Heero," I whispered, and felt my jaw clench up as usual, but this time I thoughts my gums were trying to wrench my teeth out out my mouth. I could hear the shouts become louder, and I knew that they knew just what my chances of survival were.

Did I want to live? Did I want to survive? If Heero had slipped into a coma... but no, for Heero that was probably a way to recover faster...

...right?

Did I __want__ to fight this? I'd asked for it myself, after all. Did I __want__ to make it through this? I should... it was only fair that I, who had tried to kill...

 _ _Heero__.

 _ _I'm... sorry__.

If I could have, I would have closed my eyes and sighed. I felt the doctors swarming around me, grabbing me as I twisted, until I'd stilled long enough that they were able to stick a needle into my arm and squirt what felt to be gallons of liquid into me; if I'd been able to control my body, the suddenness of the movement would have instinctively made me lash out.

Heero. Heero. What should I do? I know... Heero would want me to live. I know that... I'd known that. Was it my duty to live, to suffer through life, because of what I'd done? In the end... after years and years of walking through life every day... wouldn't that be worse than the few hours of torture I'd put myself through?

Ha. Maybe this line of thinking had formed simply because, for once in my life, I feared what I would find on the other side.

I didn't want to wake up over there and find myself separated from Heero for eternity. Just because I didn't have wings that could fly.

Yeah. And if the strychnine hadn't already formed a misshapen grin on my face, I would have leered at myself. Despite Heero's own sins, I couldn't help but see him as an angel. My... angel? Did I still have the right to call him mine?

I think that was about the time I realized that I did indeed have the ability to think about things that the pain should have drawn me away from. The antidote was starting to work.

I was going to live.

Well... fuck.

Fine, then. I would survive my own stupidity and would return to the stars. Eh. Whatever. Maybe I was just some sort of masochistic martyr or something. What was the word I'd heard once? Oh, yeah. Emo. Maybe I was emo.

 _ _Heero__. It would only serve me right, I supposed, to have Heero die.

Since... since I'd tried to take the easy way out.

* * *

* * *

"Please, Quatre, I'm begging you."

The incessant beeping and clacking and hushed hospital noises were driving me off the wall. I'd been hearing them for the past thirty-seven hours – okay, so I'd been unconscious for most of those, minor detail – and I had yet to be allowed out of this god-forsaken bed.

"Duo, you aren't ready," Quatre told me, for most likely the billionth time.

"Stop whining," Trowa said from behind him. "You put yourself into this situation."

I glared at him, unable to accept such words when I had __yet__ to see Heero. Who was still struggling against a coma. And may never wake up.

My heart did some interesting things at that knowledge.

"Is Maxwell still whining?" Wufei asked, wheeling himself into the room with a look of annoyance. I'd thought more than once to ask him if he was supposed to be wheeling himself around, but I figured I shouldn't butt in on a subject I had no right to talk about.

"Yes," Trowa immediately harrumphed.

"Maxwell, you dick. I don't want to hear a word of it."

Wufei, by the way, had been pissy ever since I'd woken up. Something about my trying to kill myself and how it was absolutely unforgivable. At least until I was well again. Or something.

"Wufei, I need to see Heero," I said, though I knew it was a stupid, selfish request.

"No."

I scowled. "Look, I'm the stupid bastard who shot him-"

"And then tried to kill himself," Wufei cut in, finishing the sentence.

"Fine. I'm the stupid bastard that shot Heero Yuy and then tried to kill himself, and I want to fucking see him."

"No," Wufei said again. "The doctors say he went into shock when he heard the news and that he needs all the rest he can get."

I winced at the reminder. Not only had I shot the man I loved, but when he'd overheard Wufei screaming to Quatre that I would kill myself, he'd apparently freaked out, which had upset his injury, which had in turn almost killed him. So he'd slipped into a coma solely in order to preserve his life.

"I need to see him," I said again. "I'll be good. I'll just look at him and then I'll leave. I won't make any noise. Come on, Wufei, you know I would never..." I winced again; honestly, there was no way someone could know I wouldn't hurt Heero willingly. Not after all of this.

Wufei sighed, but it sounded more aggravated than anything else. It was Quatre who stepped forward. "All right," he said quietly.

"Winner!"

"Quatre!" Trowa hissed.

Quatre turned on them both. "How would you feel, Trowa, if it were me?!" he demanded. "Because if it were you, and all of this had happened because you'd played your part a bit __too__ well... I'd want to do the same as Duo! I wouldn't..."

Well, at least it shut the two of them up.

"Come on, Duo. If you can sit up in the bed, I'll go and get a wheelchair for you."

"Thank you, Quatre," I said as sincerely as I possibly could, and just sat the hell up, ignoring the pain in my joints and muscles. I'd pulled several of them, and it would take weeks to fully heal, but in the end I'd been saved.

Enter sigh here.

Wufei and Trowa glared at me from their little spots in the room, so I very carefully avoided eye contact. I'd already told the both of them that they could hate me to their hearts' content. I deserved that and more, after all.

It was a few minutes later that Quatre came in with a doctor, a wheelchair before him. And though I said I could handle the transfer on my own, Quatre still carefully moved me to the wheelchair and deposited me safely down. It was amazing just how much said transfer hurt.

"Duo, I have to warn you," Quatre said, leaning down to speak into my ear as he wheeled me out of the room, "he doesn't look too good."

I'd already told myself that, but hearing it was like a stab to the chest.

But my worst fears didn't quite stack up. When Quatre had successfully gotten my through the elevator and past the hallways and finally opened that door, the sight that greeted me was...

Heero was a lump on the bed, a very pale, very quiet lump. One with tubes that looked like tentacles splayed all over and around him, and that beeping sound somehow made the humming of the machinery louder, more ominous. His IV bag swayed on its pole. His eyes seemed almost sunken into his face.

"Oh God," I moaned, and leaned forward as if to stand on my own. Quatre hurriedly pushed me to the side of the bed.

Closer, it looked even worse. If I couldn't hear his heartbeat through every beep, I'd think he was dead. His chest hardly rose or fell. He looked... dead. Pale and dead. He didn't even smell like Heero, all dosed up on drugs and trapped in the smell of antiseptics.

"Heero," I whispered. "I'm so sorry. I..." But how could you apologize for what I'd done? What could you possibly say to take away... to take away the scars I'd given him? "I won't do it," I said. "I won't try to hurt myself again. I won't hurt __you__ again. Heero..." I forgot Quatre was there; that was the only excuse I had for letting myself lean on that railing and sobbing like a child.

"Duo." Quatre's voice was quiet, pained.

I flinched and quickly dried my eyes. Hell. I could remember the days when I never freaking cried; now I felt like every minute I was awake, my eyes would want to just tear right the hell up.

"It's my fault," I said, my voice hardly more than a breath. I'd sworn not to bother Heero; if nothing else, I had to at least keep __that__ promise.

"Duo, you couldn't have known."

No, that was true enough. There was no way I could have known – Heero had played his part brilliantly. But still, that didn't change the fact that my gun and my bullet had torn apart Heero's organs, even to the point where they had ended up just picking out pieces of them from inside his body. It was a miracle Heero survived the surgery.

"I shouldn't have..." I clenched the railing so tightly I feared for a moment I would bend it. "I should have known Heero would... and then I tried to...! I didn't even think about how he would feel about it! I just thought of myself – of how much __I__ was hurting! Heero!"

And I just said fuck it and started crying again.

Quatre was silent. There was nothing he could say.

"Heero, I'm sorry! I'll do everything I can, anything you ask, I swear, just please wake up."

I was not expecting a reply. I hadn't expected a twitch of a hand or a groan or anything clichéd or soap opera-ish as all that. That is not to say that I wasn't devastated when I was wheeled out and there was absolutely no change whatsoever.

I was very silent on the way back, keeping my lips firmly sealed. Only when my eyes had dried and my shoulders had stilled had Quatre silently pulled me away from that bed. Like a child I almost grabbed onto the railing, but I let myself be taken away. It would be stupid to grab onto something I myself had thrown away.

"Thanks for this, Qat," I murmured when the elevator doors opened and we stepped back onto my floor.

"It wasn't a problem," Quatre said, and I think his voice was soft in deference to my own.

Trowa and Wufei were still there in my room when Quatre brought me in, both oddly quiet, as well. Quatre wordlessly helped me back into bed while Wufei and Trowa watched, then tucked me in. "Now rest," Quatre said softly. "All that must have worn you out."

I silently thanked him for keeping quiet about my little breakdown. Quatre just closed up the portable wheelchair and leaned it against the wall. When he saw me watching him, he cocked an eyebrow. I obediently shut my eyes.

It was odd; I hadn't really been paying attention to it, but once I was back in my hospital bed, all I could think about was the horrible ache all over my body. My muscles had been stretched too far and had ripped like string cheese, and my joints had been tested so often they'd actually weakened in some areas. The doctors had had a pretty little time patching me up. Thankfully I'd been in la-la land during their hard work.

And apparently even just sitting up had tested the limits of my capabilities. Agh. I was back to recuperating. It was getting old.

But I would take it and more if Heero would just...

Damn. And now I sounded like a martyr. And considering it was me who put the both of us in this situation, acting as a martyr just didn't seem quite right.

"Heero," I tried, simply moving my lips more than actually speaking. __I take it back. I take it all back.__ Heero. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

* * *

"Duo. Duo, wake up."

My shoulder was shaken. I grumbled and swatted the hand away.

Heero chuckled at me. "Duo, seriously. Get up. You have your doctor's appointment-"

I jumped up and grabbed Heero's shoulders and looked straight into his cobalt eyes. Was this real? Was this really happening? "Are you... real?"

"Duo? Are you okay?" He touched his hands on my shoulders, a gentle thing. "Did you have a nightmare?"

A nightmare. I felt almost giddy. A nightmare? Had it really been?

I laughed. "Maybe," I told him. "Or maybe this is a dream?"

But instead of going mother-hen concerned on me, he simply smiled. Yes. Definitely a dream. "If this __were__ a dream," Heero asked me, as if there was a chance in hell that it wasn't, "what would you want me to do?"

I already had the answer in my hands. A simple one. The perfect one.

I laughed again as I kissed him.

It was a simple matter for him to push me back, to place my head on the pillow beneath me and kiss me in earnest. I pulled him down on top of me, and he pressed our bodies together.

It was warm. So warm it almost burned me. Then his hands were on me, cupping my cheeks, running down my neck. Warm. His hands were warm.

"Heero," I whispered when he released my lips.

"Hmm?" He slipped down my skin, latched onto my pulse. I jerked up at the electric shock of it, at the crashing wave that slipped up and down my body, flushing my mind of everything but Heero's tongue on my neck and fingers on my chest, teasing me, making me gasp.

"Heero," I repeated. "Heero, I love you."

Heero chuckled. "What's this all of a sudden?"

"Because you won't wake up," I told him, even as I grabbed his hair and freaking lurched up on the bed. "No matter how much I called for you. Because I killed you."

"What are you talking about?" His hands were tugging at my shirt, and with a sigh I raised my arms and let him slip the garment off.

"I love you," I said again, letting it slide, and made a strange little noise when his teeth carefully bit down on my nipple. The shock this time made my back arch like a bow.

Once he was finally done his little administrations, he looked back up at me, those deep blue eyes of his deadly serious. "I love you, too, Duo. Forever."

I woke up just as he began kissing me again.

It wasn't surprising, but somehow the pain of it still choked me. I was alone in the room now; it was night, and I'd slept through whatever interesting discussion Quatre and Trowa and Wufei had had. I was alone.

I was alone because I'd made myself alone.

The pillow was the perfect muffler, and once again I found myself using one, only this time on myself. I shook with sobs until I just had nothing left in me, nothing but the pain in my body from bouncing around and shuddering, and I accepted the pain with a sigh and carefully let myself go back to sleep, making sure it was only a half-sleep and that I would wake up before I dreamed.

* * *

Because of my tendency to wake up just as I was about to drift into a deep sleep, I'd had an interestingly long night. A doctor came in all bright and chipper for his morning routine and checked up on me. He said I looked like I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep, and did I want any medication for it? I just told him I was worried about my friend and I didn't need any pills. When he let it go, I figured the news had traveled. It always seemed to in hospitals.

Then I had a nurse come in to test my muscles and check their healing progress, which even __I__ could tell was minimal, and then she helped me exercise my joints. Oh joy, oh bliss.

So I was hurting like a bitch when Quatre and Trowa returned.

I was kind of surprised that Trowa __let__ Quatre come see me – before, he'd seen my existence alone as taboo. But there they were, Trowa taking his usual place against the wall, arms crossed and one visible eye staring steadily at me. Like a bodyguard. I almost laughed at the thought.

"Duo? How are you?"

Quatre came right up to the side of my bed. I sent him a tired smile to let him know I caught the subtle reference to my bawling up a storm yesterday. "Better," I told him. Then on a whim I snaked out my Jester's smile and nodded over to Trowa. Dammit, I wanted to __know__. I was curious as hell. "So how come your leash got longer?"

Quatre seemed to flinch for a short second before tensing up and sending a careful look to Trowa. I just lifted an eyebrow. The taller man looked wicked pissed.

"I told him," Quatre said carefully, "that if he kept it up, I'd... kick him out."

I felt the promise of death as soon as I started laughing.

"Duo?" Quatre sounded almost distressed. "What's so funny?"

"Oh, Qat!" I randomly grabbed his shoulder and clutched at my stomach – freaking __ow__ – as I tried to calm myself down. "Qat, that's hilarious! I never would've imagined you telling Trowa to fuck off, even nicely! Oh my God, how'd he take it?" In my humor, I had completely neglected the fact that said __he__ was currently in the room, clenching his arms so tight it was probably cutting off his circulation.

Quatre seemed, however, to relax and even pulled up a chair. "Do you remember that last time I visited you, and how Trowa had arrived and had me leave?"

I nodded, my smile slipping a fraction. I very well remembered it.

"Well," and here Quatre blushed cutely, "we got into an argument almost immediately. I... was angry, because I wasn't allowed to see you, and you're my best friend."

Ah, shit. Hello guilt.

"Same," I mumbled, looking over at the wall.

"I know." Quatre beamed that smile of his at me and leaned in conspiratorially. I flicked a glance at Trowa, but Quatre only stage-whispered. "I kind of told him just what you said."

"Huh?" It took a second, but then I was laughing all over again. "No __way__! You seriously __said__ it? The 'f' word? __You?!__ Oh my God, say it now!"

Quatre backed away, blushing furiously. "No."

"Come ooonn," I wheedled. "Come on come on come ooonn." I grabbed his arm and pulled it.

"No," he repeated, but he seemed to be having a hard time not laughing. "I'm not angry enough."

"Aaaagh. Trowa!" I called, "call me an asshole. Say I'm a dick."

"Duo!" Quatre admonished.

"I wanna heeeaar. You __never__ say shit like that. Please? Pretty please?"

"Glad to see you've recovered," Trowa said sarcastically.

All things stopped.

Quatre and I both gaped at the man. His hands were no longer clenched, though they were still crossed over his chest. And his body wasn't tensed to spring, though he'd always remained leaning back against the wall.

I think my mouth dropped open.

Um, where was the hostility?

"Quatre, out."

The order was not rude, just kind of... ordered. Like Heero when he always told me to eat and to eat everything, dammit, or he'd shove it in my mouth and choke me with it until I swallowed.

Ow. Best not to think about Heero.

Quatre seemed about as stunned as I was, because he stood very, very slowly. "Trowa?"

"Out," the man said firmly, but his eye never left mine, and finally Quatre turned to me and promised... something – food? Maybe food – before he carefully left my room. Though Quatre __did__ leave the hospital door wide open, a sort of warning, most likely, to his lover.

Trowa pushed off from the wall and sat in the chair Quatre had pulled up. My eyes followed every single move he made, just in case he wanted to strangle me or something.

"I haven't forgiven you," Trowa snapped out suddenly.

I jumped. "Uh, I really hadn't even thought that," I said honestly.

"It's just..." Trowa broke eye contact and dropped his head between his knees. "These past few days... I haven't been able to get him to laugh like that." It seemed painful for Trowa to admit that.

"Uh, ah, that's probably because he was worried about me. So really I only repaid my debt, right?" I held up my hands in a sort of surrender. It was kind of creepy, seeing the unflappable Trowa bent like that.

"No. The truth is, the two of you have a sort of... understanding... between one another. One that I don't share in."

Uh-oh. Was Trowa __jealous__? Was that physically possible? "Well, we did kind of commiserate together," I tried.

He snorted. "Over what?"

"Unrequited love," I answered simply.

My answer made that head jerk back up. It was a relief to see that spine of his stiffen back up; it was even scarier than the glare. "What do you mean?"

"Well, we both loved someone we thought didn't love us back. We pined." I gave him a little nervous chuckle; the glare was back. "Uh, look, maybe you and Quatre should talk about, uh, something other than me? I mean, obviously there are a couple holes... in..." I shut up at the fierce look I got.

"And your relationship with Yuy," Trowa said steely, "has no holes in it?"

"Uh, my relationship with Heero is like Swiss cheese?" I said, and though I'd meant for it to simply be a statement of fact, it ended up lilting up at the end like a question. It was probably because of the scowl I was receiving.

But after I said it, Trowa's head ducked down and his shoulders started shaking and I got __really__ scared. Was the man __crying?__ I bit my lip. Should I call Quatre back? It wasn't like __I__ knew how to help this guy.

"You bastard," Trowa managed, and his voice was definitely messed up, "I'd managed to forget just... just what kind of person you were."

well how the fuck was I supposed to respond to that? "Uh, sorry?" I tried.

He snorted. "I had forgotten, over time... just how much you __feel__."

Huh?

I waved my arms a little crazily, until the pain in them almost made it impossible for me to concentrate. "Hey, hey, Trowa, uh, um... don't cry, okay?" Great. Now __I__ was the one feeling all panicked.

But when Trowa looked up to me in confusion, there was absolutely no trace of tears. "Cry?" he echoed, and his voice would have been priceless if I hadn't been trying to figure out what the hell the problem was if the bastard wasn't crying.

"Trowa!"

Quatre came running into the room then. Trowa was only half-standing when Quatre simply launched himself into his arms. You could see the acrobatic training come into play as Trowa kept them both on their feet. "Quatre, what is it? What's wrong?"

"It's Heero," Quatre sobbed, and the little blond clutched Trowa's shirt with fingers tight with tension.

The room got kind of fuzzy, like cottonballs had been stuck in my ears and glasses with the wrong prescription had been placed over my eyes. And things started to tilt.

"What?" Trowa demanded, but his voice faded in and out, and it was really soft. A saw him push Quatre away to look into his eyes, but I missed what he demanded. I only saw how his eyebrows were scrunched down worriedly.

"He's – Trowa, Heero's..."

I felt the shadowy grip of unconsciousness just before I slipped into its hold.

* * *

* * *

"Duo!"

"What the hell is going on in here?"

"Wufei, Wufei, Duo has..."

"Has what?"

"I... I came to tell him... to say that Heero had... but before I even said it, he...!"

"That would be because you came here in tears! Love, if you'd wanted to send a positive message, you pretty much failed miserably."

"Oh no! What do I do? What do I do?"

"Hush; we've already called the doctor."

"Good God, and Yuy is demanding Maxwell something awful."

"...Yeah. I can hear him. You'd better tell him what happened."

"What? Are you crazy? He'll definitely get out of that damn bed then!"

"...Then Quatre should tell him. It's __his__ fault."

"Trowa!"

"Well it is."

"You'd just feed me to the lion like that?"

"I guess I could come with you. I'm used to dealing with lions, after all."

"Oh, bad pun, Barton."

"And while we're gone, __you__ can watch over Sleeping Beauty here."

"He's the safer of the two right now."

"Ah, but he won't be when he wakes up."

"...Sadist."

"Have fun. Let's go, little one."

"You're __both__ sadists."

* * *

As always, the very first thing I was aware of was the agonizing pain in my entire body. It was a normal enough thing, though it hurt like hell, and it was quickly eclipsed by the panic that froze my chest.

Heero was dead.

No. No, no. It couldn't be. He couldn't. He __couldn't__. No!

My eyes snapped open and I forced myself up.

I looked around. No one? There was no one in my room, no one waiting to stop me from doing something stupid. Did that mean... were they all in Heero's room?

No. No, no, no! He couldn't do this to me!

 _ _Selfish__ , something said. I snarled at it and swung my legs over the side of my bed, ignoring the agony of it. The railing almost defeated me for a moment, but I managed to get my legs up and over it and I pushed myself so that I could sit up without my arms supporting me.

"Yuy, stop! You're in __no__ condition to-"

"Where is he?!"

I think I choked. Or at least I made some sound that sounded like choking. It wasn't heard by those outside the room, and I managed to clap a hand over my mouth before I did something stupid.

Heero was...

...alive?

"Sleeping, dammit, and in bed. Where __you__ should be."

Wufei sounded both pissed and worried at the same time. I had yet to meet someone else who could manage that interesting little feat. Except maybe Heero, but they sounded too different to be...

Heero was out of his bed. And injured.

"Fucking hell," I breathed, and slipped off my own bed. My legs almost didn't support me, and I had to grab the offending railing to keep myself up.

Heero was alive. Heero was awake. Heero was being stupid.

"Yuy, dammit!"

"No! Not yet! I have to..."

I hurried then, pushing myself off the bed. Wufei made a distressed sound. "Winner, help me lift him!"

"No!" Heero shouted again.

Lift him?

I stumbled over to the doorframe and managed to peer out despite a wave of dizziness. Heero was indeed on his hands and knees. He looked bad, with a hospital gown making his lean frame seem almost fat and his face pale and sweating.

"Heero, you idiot," I breathed, and got an immediate reaction.

Heero's eyes snapped up, finding and latching onto me. Wufei's eyes snapped up, too, and when the Chinese man saw me leaning weakly against the doorjamb I thought he would combust.

"You're both fucking idiots!" the man screamed. He managed to help pull Heero to his feet, and Heero let him. Those cobalt eyes never left mine.

"Duo." Heero's voice was hardly even a breath, and he stepped forward, toward me and not back to his bed. Wufei huffed agitatedly but stepped forward as well, helping him. It took a small while, but finally Heero was within reach.

I didn't reach.

"You're alive," he said again. Then without warning Heero's fist smashed into my face.

" _ _Yuy!"__

I took it without a murmur, just leaned back into the jamb to keep myself from falling.

"You selfish bastard!" Heero shouted, and I made myself look into those cool blue eyes. "How could you do that to me? To __us__? You just wanted to take the easy way out! You didn't once think about us, about all of us who would be left behind!"

I said nothing in my defense.

"Yuy, this isn't the time or the place!" Wufei hissed, but Heero ignored him.

"What were you thinking?! How could you?! How could... do you have any idea...!"

Heero's rage seemed to have tired him out, because suddenly he was a dead weight in Wufei's arms. This time Wufei's huff was from pure exertion.

"Fucking hell," the Chinese man said. "Maxwell, get back in bed. If you aren't in there by the time I get back, __I'll__ fucking hit you."

I just watched impassively as Wufei lugged Heero back into his room. Quatre, nervously standing by the door to Heero's room – all the way down the hall – finally came up to help, now that it was apparently safe. I could very faintly hear Trowa speaking, saying that it wasn't yet safe to go to Heero. Ah. So he'd been acting as guard for the foolish nurses and doctors that had wanted to intervene with a soldier on a mission.

I was very, very silent as I returned to my bed.

It had been the first, the very first of time Heero had yelled at me. At least, since... since the war. And even then, Heero had never __yelled__. The man __never__ lost his cool like that. Never.

Heero was alive.

He was alive, and that was all that mattered. I deserved the man's scorn. His fury.

But right now... I needed to sleep, and to forget. At least for a few more hours.

* * *

"You should get therapy," the doctor told me gently.

I, of course, was not so polite. And it was just barely hitting the afternoon mark. Which made me even less polite, considering time schedules. "Fuck off."

"Mr. Maxwell, you just attempted suicide. Normally it would be required to get psychological therapy, but..."

But Quatre, bless his interfering soul, had somehow come through for me.

"No." I rearranged my feet, but kept my arms crossed. This man had been going at it practically since I'd woken up. Though it was a very, very nice distraction from Heero's... reaction... to seeing me again, it was also an extremely annoying one. I'd rather go to surgery for something.

"Mr. Maxwell," the man tried again.

I noted, not for the first time, how my 'friends' had made a not-so-discreet exit when this man had entered the room. At least the bastard had known enough to keep quiet about the bruise on my jaw.

My jaw that still hurt from smiling a bit too wide.

"No. Absolutely not. Not happening. No way in hell. There are a few less complimentary ways for me to say this; do you want me to start listing those, too?" I snapped him a fake smile while I glared at him.

"No, that would be unnecessary," the man sighed. "But I must tell you, Mr. Maxwell, that you have obviously suffered psychological damage. Therapy can help."

So could more poison. I very carefully swallowed __that__ witty piece of repartee back.

"Whatever you've gone through, Mr. Maxwell, perhaps talking about it can-"

"No." I had several witty responses to pretty much everything the guy said, but I doubted the man would leave if I said anything other than that one word.

Although it hadn't seemed to work that well so far.

The man sighed again and looked down at the clipboard in his hands like it could potentially hold an answer or two. Then he fixed his glasses and looked back up. "Are you absolutely certain that I can't convince you?"

"Yes."

The doctor tried to stare me down, but it obviously didn't work and after a few more seconds he simply sighed again and turned to leave. "All right. There isn't much more we can do for you here, so you will be released tomorrow morning if your condition remains the same. Do you have someone who can pick you up to take you home, and someone to care for you when you get there?"

"Yes." But a sudden thought entered my mind, followed by another one immediately after, and I found himself thinking furiously, so much so that I missed the man's last words before he departed.

Did Heero's house fully exist yet? I'd heard someone say at some point that insurance would fix Heero's house, but even though Une had said during the two months of recuperation that Heero's house was being rebuilt, I had no idea if it was inhabitable again yet.

Then there was the absolute first thing I had thought of, something that my more martyr mindset had brought to me before my logic had pointed out the previous little dilemma, and that question was: was that my home anymore?

I took a careful breath. It was a painful thought, but one that __had__ to be asked. Was it really somewhere I could return to? And I'd blatantly lied when the damn doctor had asked me if someone was there to care for me – obviously I didn't! Having someone who would want to take care of you – wouldn't that be a detriment to the whole suicide attempt thing?

There was __no way__ Heero would want me back in that house, was there? The man was absolutely livid. It would be stupid to assume I was still welcome in Heero's place.

But then who would listen to me if I said that? Would Wufei and Quatre and Trowa agree with me on that, or... what? Would they believe Heero would want to take care of me? Heero was a nice guy, but he wasn't a fucking saint. And he'd just punched a guy who was recovering from strychnine poisoning. It would be stupid to assume that the man would actually want me __living__ with him again, wouldn't it? But then where would I go? Where __could__ I go?

My first thought was to my Wing, but who would let me do that? I knew Wufei and Quatre would still be worried about me and would want me somewhere where they could take care of me. Would that mean that I would go live with one of them? Somehow the idea was a bit repulsive to me. Embarrassing, at best. There was no way I'd agree to that. No way, no way, no way.

So what did that leave me with? Where could I go? I certainly couldn't mooch off of Une anymore, and I certainly wasn't going to any of the above-mentioned places.

Wing. I would definitely, definitely go to Wing.

I felt calm as I outlined my ridiculous plan. I'd lose my laptop, but it was an acceptable loss. It had things on it for Heero, anyway, things I didn't want or need.

I made a mental alarm clock in my head and closed my eyes. In six hours, I would be sneaking off. And this time, Heero would be too fucking drugged up to notice I was slipping out again.

* * *

I woke up at exactly the right time: good-bye visiting hours, hello night staff. And I immediately wondered if I was being stupid again. Or, worse... selfish.

So I switched up my plans a little bit.

I slipped out of my bed – damn it hurt to do that – and hobbled my sorry ass over to the doorway. A quick peek showed me the coast was clear and I went gliding... okay, wobbling drunkenly... down the hall, almost to the very last door. The door was open, and it was easy to slip inside, especially dark as it was in the room – obviously to try to get Heero to sleep. I closed the door.

It didn't surprise me to see the tiny glint of eyes watching me when I looked up. "...Heero?"

"Duo." His voice was strong, but quiet. "What are you doing out of bed?"

I resisted the urge to tell him off for the hypocrisy of the statement. "I'm... supposed to be released in the morning."

Those eyes glittered. "So?"

Ouch. Maybe that was my answer right there. "I... I need to know something."

And suddenly a billion questions tipped themselves on my tongue. A trillion things I wanted to know.

"What?"

His voice was ice-cold, but I could hear the resignation in his voice. But he was wrong – for right now, I couldn't let myself care about that.

There were questions that were much, much more important.

"Am I... do... do you..." I sucked in a deep breath, sent my eyes to the floor, and just blurted it out. "Do you... still want me around?"

Heero hissed.

My heartbeat was a very powerful, very tangible thing just then, beating against my ribs so hard it hurt. Pound. Pound. It felt thick, two times bigger than normal.

A squeak of hinges warned me of Heero's movement, but by the time I'd looked up he was already up, IV drip lying lonely on the bed, and those glittering eyes were capturing mine again.

I took a step back as he came toward me, but then steeled myself for whatever he intended.

He grabbed my face, gently rubbed his thumb over the bruise he'd given me. "Always," he breathed. "No matter what... always."

And he pulled my head back and kissed me.

It was sweet and hungry, demanding and giving, all at once. I moaned and carefully wrapped my hands around his neck and only kept my own weight by reminding myself of what I'd done to him.

I didn't know I was crying again until Heero broke our kiss and leaned his forehead against mine, whispering stupid, clichéd little phrases to me.

This, I think, was where I seriously, seriously broke down.

I sunk to the floor, and Heero despite his injury followed me, and I was curled up in a little ball, leaning on my knees and hugging myself and shaking and crying like a child. I heard myself talking, heard Heero move from me for a moment, a frightening moment, until I heard the click of a lock and the movement of something heavy and then he was back, hugging me, encouraging me.

"I'm sorry, Heero, I'm so sorry..."

"No, love, it's all right; I had taken that chance-"

"I hurt you, I scarred you, I almost killed you I really tried to kill you-"

"It's all right, love, I swear-"

"Never again, I swear, never again-"

"Shh, it's all right, love-"

"I can't stop, I can't stop thinking about how-"

"Shh, I'm fine now."

"No, you're not, and it's all my fault!"

We just sat like that for a while. Eventually I became aware of other noises; the sounds of voices, mostly panicked. From outside the door?

I looked over to it, my eyes fucking coated in tears, and saw that the something heavy in front of the door was a freaking hospital bed. I gasped. "Heero! Your injury!" I looked over to it and saw a blotch of red.

"Oh God," I moaned, and just sunk even further. "Oh God, can't I do anything right?"

"Duo. This was my decision."

"Because __I__ -"

"Enough, love, please."

And Heero's voice was so full of its own pain that I immediately dropped the subject. "Get back in bed," I whispered, and I stood so quickly it might have scared Heero. He looked up at me in shock. "Get back in bed," I repeated, my voice a bit more securely bolted against the sobs and hiccups that pushed against my throat. "I won't have you getting hurt any more than you already have."

Heero's eyes turned sad. "I understand," he murmured, and let me pull him up. Once he was in the bed, I moved to the door and tugged against the bed.

Fuck it was heavy.

"Duo," Heero called, and I looked back just in time to see him slip the IV back into his arm, "should you be doing that in your..." He frowned; I could fucking __hear__ it. "Wait... what __is__ your condition?"

"Pissed," I grumbled, and tugged again. My muscles, my poor, abused little muscles, sharply protested being used so heavily after their previous beating.

"Duo."

The warning voice. I ignored it. "Fucking hell, Heero, how'd you get this bitch to __move__?"

"I pushed it," he said easily. Well, the bastard was healthy enough to tease me, that was for sure. "What did..." He paused for a moment, and I realized that it was because he was having a hard time saying the words.

"What did I do to myself?" I said for him, my voice a bit softer. He didn't make any noise then; apparently hearing it out loud hurt. It was more humiliating for me, but I tried to imagine Heero trying to commit suicide and felt a shadow of the panic. Fuck. I'd been so selfish... "I poisoned myself."

Heero made the same choking noise I'd heard myself make earlier.

New voices joined the ones behind the door and I sighed with relief. Apparently the hapless staff had called in familiar cavalry. "Hey, guys!" I called out. Wufei cursed.

"What the fuck are you two __doing__?" he snapped out. "Neither of you are in any condition to be-"

"Whoa!" I interrupted, blushing beet red. "It's not like that. But Heero stupidly moved this damn bed over here and I can't fucking __move__ it. Are Quatre and Trowa with you?"

"Of course. Stand back."

The man sounded long-suffering.

" _ _Poisoned__ yourself?"

Heero's agonized words reminded me of the conversation I'd been in. "Uh, yeah." I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"What?" he breathed, and I knew exactly what he was asking.

"St... strychnine." I hardly said it, but Heero's sharp breath told me he'd heard nonetheless.

A horrible screeching met our ears, and both of us turned to watch the door being forcefully shoved open.

"You're both bastards!" Wufei shouted in suddenly. He probably shouldn't have been pushing, but thinking about it, he probably shouldn't have been carrying Heero, either. Guess it was his idea of physical therapy.

"Fucking assholes." Trowa's voice followed Wufei's, a bit calmer but still full of heat.

"His fault," I muttered. "I didn't move the fucking bed."

"No; you just took a midnight stroll," Quatre huffed.

I grinned; fuck it, my friends ruled. "Details."

Quatre huffed out a laugh.

I very carefully ignored the searing gaze that was blistering my back. No way, no how was I answering __that__.

So as soon as that door was open enough, I made a very hasty exit.

* * *

* * *

The next morning was one of hospital monotony. I got checked out by the nurse and doctor and when they both finally finished poking and prodding me, I was allowed street clothes (more like clothes thrown in the trash – which would be where they'd be headed once I got back to Heero's) and was put in a wheelchair (oh fucking joy) and officially released.

I'd been surprised to find Quatre and Trowa waiting to be the official releasers.

"Wufei's being patched up as we speak," Quatre said with a wry little grin. "Apparently he overdid it last night."

I blushed. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"We're used to your stupidity," Trowa said, and I wasn't sure if he was joking or not. "It's just disconcerting to see it rubbing off on Heero, as well."

Oh har de har har.

So they wheeled me out of the building and got me into Quatre's ostentatious limo (why?) and drove us off into the dawn. Well... mid-morning smoggy traffic.

It was odd to see Heero's house. It was in perfect condition, though I don't know how; it hardly looked like anything had happened to it. Though I'd heard that a few neighbors had moved, and quite quickly, after the little psychotic battle. That was good – I seemed to remember a few children around. They shouldn't be near me.

I felt bad that Heero wouldn't be able to see them again, though.

Quatre had a spare key, and he was the one who let us in while Trowa pushed me forward. __That__ was nerve-wracking; I kept expecting him to shove me down the stairs or something, then say I slipped. But he was good, simply bringing me into the living room and stopping for a moment.

"Une did a good job here," he commented.

I thought so, too; the place really __did__ look like Heero's home, down even to the paint. A new watercolor was hanging, but it was very similar to the old one he'd had, and I knew it suited his tastes. Though the smell of wood chips and new paint was still fairly strong.

"Well, let's get Duo upstairs," Quatre said cheerily, and he was Trowa insisted on the humiliating fireman-carry up the steps and into my room. This room, too, had that same smell, only a bit stronger, and the bed was brand-new, along with practically everything else. The room had, after all, been torn to shreds.

Then Quatre began bustling around like some sort of head maid or something, directing Trowa around until they both made their way back down the stairs. I could only guess at what they were doing; I had strict orders to stay in bed.

I wondered how Heero was doing.

I hadn't exactly given him the chance to talk to me again after I told him about how I'd tried to kill myself. I hadn't really wanted to hear – or risk getting punched again. Even though I deserved it, I couldn't deny that a very, very large part of me was afraid of it. Not the physical pain, of course; who the fuck cared about that? But the emotional pain, the pain that sluiced through me whenever I thought about the hurt anger in Heero's eyes... yeah, I was afraid of that.

I didn't want to hear him yelling at me again. I didn't want to see the fury that was almost a match for the pain. I didn't want to think about what would have happened if I'd succeeded; the idea that Heero had managed to survive, only to find that I'd killed myself while he'd slept and recovered... no, I didn't want to be reminded of that.

Even if it was my fault. Even if I __deserved__ to be reminded. I... didn't want to be.

"Fucking hell, I've dug myself quite the fucking grave." And Heero would give me a Look for cursing so many times in one sentence.

The thought almost made me laugh, but I thought a little better of it, knowing how the laughter would probably turn out.

Like Heero was my grandmother or something.

I sighed. There were birds nearby; I could hear them from outside the window. Quatre was talking to someone, but it sounded like a phone call, and I didn't feel like trying to listen in. And what was with the clanging? Was it really necessary to make that much noise while cooking?

"It's probably just Trowa being a hardass," I muttered, and grinned despite myself. At least Trowa wasn't skulking up the stairs to kill me. It was a step up.

But my mind slipped back in more macabre thoughts, and with a shudder I closed my eyes and slept, knowing as I did so that my exhaustion wasn't quite high enough to evade the nightmares I would have.

* * *

My eyes snapped open. It was with effort that I swallowed back my scream. Images of blood covered my vision, and for a short second my body was so tense I had a painful flashback of my back arched into a bow and the pain of a face stretched into a grin-

"Oh, I didn't mean to surprise you."

My head turned to the door; Quatre stood there outlined by the light from the hallway; at some point one of them must have come up and turned off the light to my room. In his hands was a tray laden with what could only be dinner.

I pushed myself into a sitting position. "Hey, Qat," I said quietly. "You didn't have to bring that up here."

"I know." Quatre smiled for me as he came into the room. "I wanted to." He set the tray in my lap, and I immediately recognized the soup and juice as precautionary measures – doctor's orders. Apparently I'd tested my stomach to its limit.

Quatre checked out the room. My covers had been replaced with an almost exact copy, though mine had been fairly old and had still had a few colonies that no longer existed spattered over it. This one was a bit newer, and I could feel the absence of a few colonies, though I hadn't been hard-pressed to look for them all. I was already depressed enough, thanks.

The walls, though, were the same color, and though a new painting had been put up in here, too, it was also similar to its older counterpart.

"Uh, Duo." Quatre turned to me, pausing to look significantly at the tray of food. I obligingly picked up the spoon and took a bite. "Well... Trowa and I found your laptop in your hotel room."

Found. Like it hadn't been right freaking there for all to see. Still, I swallowed and nodded. "Yeah?"

"We haven't looked at it!" Quatre blurted. "I-I mean, it was open, and the document was sitting there, but as soon as I knew what it was I stopped reading..." Quatre blushed. "Um, I was wondering..."

"Quatre, I don't give a fuck if you read it or not," I snorted, taking another careful bite. My hand trembled a little, and I was ashamed to learn that it was difficult for me to feed myself.

"Th-That's not... what I was trying to ask." Then Quatre seemed to gather up his courage and just blurted it out. "I wanted to know if you'd let me show it to Heero?"

I was so surprised I froze in the middle of taking a bite, my mouth open like a fish. Carefully I placed the spoon back into the bowl and cleared my throat. "Qat." My eyes refused to look up from the odd pieces of meat sitting idly in the bowl. "I wrote those __for__ Heero. They're his. It was my intention all along to let him see them. To have him... own them." Like he owned me...?

"O-Oh." But then Quatre seemed to cheer up slightly, because he leaned into my field of vision. "Then may I present it to him?"

I shrugged. "Sure." I certainly didn't want to be there when he got them.

Quatre clapped his hands together and stood straight once more. "Great! Then after you finish eating, Trowa and I will head out for a little while... if you'll be all right?" he questioned, looking for all the world like he would drop everything on my say-so.

"Nah, I'll be fine. I'll just take another nap. You've got keys to this place, right?" I dipped back into the soup with a renewed vigor. If Quatre wanted to head out, I would hurry so that he could. Besides, it wasn't as if I'd be doing anything but brooding either way. It would be better if I brooded alone.

"Yes; we'll be able to get back in. You don't have to worry about getting up." I grimaced at that; out of the hospital and still bedridden? Wow, what a step in the right direction. Break out the party hats.

"All right" was all I said.

When I was finished, Quatre took the tray from me and promised a speedy return come tomorrow after visiting hours opened. I told him to take his time and that a sleeping guy wouldn't be very interesting, and that if Heero was awake, then he should just hang out with him. At Quatre's indecision, I softly said, "it'll help me, too."

And so Quatre and Trowa left with the reminder to call if I needed anything, that Heero had put a phone in my room way back when for a reason. And then they were finally fucking gone.

And the house was very, very quiet.

I was made painfully aware of how alone I was in the building. Heero was usually puttering around no matter what, and if not that, then clacking away on that damn laptop of his. I could swear the man was addicted to the damn thing. But there was no one else in the house. The creaking of floorboards and the sound of the air conditioner were the only noises I heard from within, and those obnoxious birds had gotten a little louder, heralding dawn.

"All right, so I want to wallow in self-pity," I grumbled. "That doesn't mean I __should__."

But what else was there to do?

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Quatre acted as unofficial babysitter while I recovered. He said nothing about Heero's reaction to seeing the poems, even when I'd sucked it up in the second week and asked. He'd just looked at me like he was about to cry. It made me want to ask if he'd read any of them with Heero, but I found I'd need to work up some more strength before I could manage to ask that one.

Heero was kept in the hospital as he recovered, though I was constantly informed that his recovery rate was fantastic and he was one hundred percent stable. I didn't have the strength – or the means – to get myself to the hospital on my own, and Quatre worriedly hovered enough as it was without me taking wheelchaired romps down the city.

Because of that, I hadn't seen Heero in twenty days.

Because of that, it was harder and harder for me to remember Heero as the tired-looking guy stumbling through the hospital (a bad enough image) with the image of him falling to the ground with a pool of blood at his feet, courtesy of my own drenched hands. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the nightmares and get back to sleep.

Even though I knew he was perfectly all right, that Quatre wouldn't lie to me about something that important – or at least Trowa wouldn't, thinking that it was my job to accept the pain that my mistakes gave me – and that Heero's calls from the hospital were definitely proof of some sort of well-being... I couldn't help it.

And his calls. The poor bastard was so fucking drugged he could hardly hear how tired I always was these days. Quatre was under strict orders not to tell him, and Trowa had even seemed to agree with my decision. Me in pain was fine, but not Heero.

So we always talked shortly about his progress and my progress and the weather and the news and Wufei's progress and all the meetings Quatre was blatantly skipping for me and then we'd fall into awkward silences until we started talking about Une and the news about the few stragglers from Caribol and carefully picked over the things that were really bothering us. I think the calls served to create an even bigger chasm between the two of us. He had, after all, pretended to be some sort of cyborg thing – still had no idea how he'd managed that – and I had tried to shoot him dead. And then kill myself.

We were so fucked up.

I heard the phone ring again and sighed. I knew it was Heero; he always fucking called at three in the afternoon every day. I considered, not the first time, simply not answering the phone, but I knew damn good and well that Heero would freak.

I cursed without much heat and picked it up, prepared for the exhausting dance to start again.

* * *

I think it said everything, that Heero refused to return to his house until he was fully recovered, over a month from when I'd shot him. By then I was able to move around on my own and most of my muscles had healed. I still had to do exercises every day, but they no longer hurt so bad I felt crippled hobbling back into the bed.

And I think it was pretty damn telling that I didn't know he was returning until I heard the door open from downstairs and his voice reached my ears.

"I'm fine, Chang, I've been able to walk on my own for a week now." Heero sounded both aggravated and amused, like he was going to hit Wufei but not hard enough to knock the poor guy out.

"A week? Well, now I feel better."

"You were only released six days ago," Heero grumbled, and I heard the door click closed. I'd also not been informed of Wufei's release, though I suppose it made sense that if Heero were out, Wufei would be, too.

"And whose fault is it that I reopened my wound?"

Heero just gave a tired chuckle, one that floated through the house. I'd thought I'd be happy to hear it, but it seemed to ring hollowly. I flinched at it and struggled up. I'd just finished my exercises and was tired, but it only made sense that I go and greet Heero, whether he wanted to see me or not. And it would give him the chance to kick me out.

Why? Why didn't he tell me he was coming home?

Unless... unless 'coming home' didn't include 'coming back to Duo.' And if that was the case... then why had he said 'no matter what'?

I walked slowly out to the hallway and grabbed the banister tightly. Though I could pretty much traverse the entire house now, I couldn't really move well after those damn exercises and sometimes I got dizzy, so walking down the stairs was usually something I avoided. But it was a little more humiliating to sit down and bump my way along with people here to actually see me doing it.

"Hey, Wufei, where's..." Heero's eyes caught me making my tedious way down the steps. He was sitting on the sofa, Wufei talking to him from around the coffee table. Heero looked better, I noticed immediately. But of course he did – it had been a month. His color was back, along with a lot of his muscle tone. Mine was coming back, too, but I couldn't freaking regenerate the way he could. He was leaning back into the sofa, something he never did, so I knew his side was hurting, but his eyes were clear of pain and focused wholly on me.

"Uh..." I was trapped in that gaze of his. His eyes were earnest, if not easy to read, and his lips were in an almost-frown. How exactly was I supposed to respond? "Welcome back," I mumbled, and dropped my eyes to the stairs. I very carefully went down to the landing and just stood there.

It was awkward, being in Heero's house and being right in front of Heero and not knowing whether I should pack my bags or not.

Wufei harrumphed. "Maxwell, just what the hell are you doing?"

"You're tired," Heero piped up. "Why?"

"Just did my exercises," I mumbled, still not looking up. I didn't answer Wufei's question at all. "How are you?"

God, what a banal question.

Wufei stomped over to me. "Maxwell, I find it odd that you even did your exercises when you knew Heero was being released."

My eyes snapped up. Oh my God. Thanks, Wufei. Way to rub the wound.

"...n't," I said quietly. My eyes slid straight back to the floor.

Wufei leaned down until his met my eyes. "What?"

"I didn't know," I whispered, nervously twitching from foot to foot. My eyes blipped over to Heero's without my consent. He looked a bit... stricken. Fuck. That's right – he could read lips.

"Yuy didn't tell you" Wufei seemed a bit surprised. Well, at least he wasn't in on it or anything.

I shrugged. "Nope." I tried on a smile; it still hurt to do it. Apparently my facial muscles had taken an interesting hit; the doctors were surprised to find them healing at all. "So you got released? I'm glad to hear it. And Heero, too." I turned that smile over to the couch, where Heero continued to stare at me rather blankly. "I'd heard you'd gotten better, but I wasn't sure quite how much. It's good to know you're all right."

And I screeched to a halt right there; my mind tried to remind me why Heero'd been injured, along with the reminder that Heero had neglected to mention just how far he'd progressed the last time he'd called – fucking yesterday.

Oh God. What was I still doing here?

"Wufei," Heero called. "I do believe you'd said you'd simply help me to the door."

Wufei turned to Heero as if he'd sprouted a new head. "What?"

"I'm telling you to leave."

Heero stood up from the bed and swerved around the coffee table. He really __could__ walk, and pretty well.

I turned away when my eyes started watering.

"Heero," Wufei argued – first name? - "you can't expect me to-"

"Now, Wufei. I need to talk to Duo."

Wufei hesitated, looking between the two of us. And then his eyes hardened.

"Wufei," I murmured. "...Please."

And he deflated. "Duo, call me if you need me." And after a warning look, he turned on his heel and carefully left, closing the door solidly behind him... leaving me alone with Heero Yuy.

* * *

* * *

"Duo, sit down before you fall down."

Heero was puttering around again, as if he'd been here this whole time, as if this house was still the exact same as when he'd first bought it and placed his new possessions inside. He went into the kitchen and, from the sounds of it, put water on to boil. I could only guess that he was making tea.

I almost laughed. Tea. How... normal.

I just plopped myself on the landing and rubbed at my chest. My heart was heavy and thick, almost too painful. I felt like gasping. It would be over soon, I promised myself. I just had to get through this nightmare, and then it would be over.

Oh God. I didn't want it to be over.

Shit.

By the time Heero returned, I'd managed to take those bits of water in my eyes and shove them away. He set the tray down and looked at me oddly. "Duo, when I said sit down, I didn't mean __there__."

I couldn't bear to look up at him.

He sighed. "Duo... I didn't... I thought Quatre was keeping you informed... that you already knew I'd be coming back. And I thought Wufei definitely would have told you. You'd sounded... happier... yesterday. On the phone."

Happier? Ah. He'd woken me from another nightmare, and I'd gone into overdrive. I'd thought he'd seen through it – he wasn't being drugged anymore, was he? So how hadn't he-

A loud thump echoed through the room, and I jumped. When I looked up, I saw Heero's fist against the wall. I lurched to my feet and swayed drunkenly. "Heero – careful – your side-"

"Dammit!" His face was staring at the floor, so much so that I couldn't see his eyes through his bangs. "You were hiding again, weren't you? I'd thought so, at first, but then you'd said that you'd seen some ancient animation about a man turned to a llama and I'd thought..."

Ah. Yeah. Something about an Emperor. Even with my mood as down as it'd been lately, I'd still chuckled once or twice.

So Heero __had__ caught it?

"I should have known," he said bitterly, "that you'd been faking it... again..."

I managed to make my way to stand in front of him, but my hands only fluttered uselessly in the air, not sure whether to touch. "Heero, your injury-"

"I'm fine," he snapped. "Wufei made them give me a few painkillers before he brought me back. I'm healed for the most part; I only have to do a few exercises each day, same as you. Besides," he added huffily, "I want... to talk to you."

Ow. My chest was heavy again.

"Right." I grinned at him; __damn__ but that hurt. I took the chair, a piece that sat against the far wall in the room. "Um, how __is__ your progress? I mean, Quatre'd told me that you were getting better, that you'd started walking a few days ago..." I took a cup and poured the tea, then poured one for Heero, too, He carefully sat down and stared at his own cup rather blankly.

"I'm fine," he mumbled, and took a sip.

I couldn't believe it. He'd made me laugh. I... laughed. "Isn't that my line?" I asked, and forced myself to stop. I was hurting my stomach anyway.

Heero gave me a hard look. "Usually," he acceded. "But the wound's healed, although tender, and even though it gives stabs of pain if I, say, try to twist around to look behind me, otherwise I'm all right."

I looked down at my cup of tea and swished the yellow-green liquid around. Green tea again. The guy loved it.

"Here." Heero pushed the tray toward me, and this time I noticed the honey on it. I took it silently and squeezed an exorbitant amount into the tea. Heero handed me a spoon to mix it with without saying a word.

I almost cried.

It was silent for a time, and all I could do was sip and be thankful that I didn't have to drink the tea plain. Heero didn't drink at all, but just sat there staring gloomily into space.

Finally my cup was empty and I had absolutely nothing left to do to distract myself.

"Dammit." Heero clinked the cup down onto the tray so hard the tea sloshed over the brim. I jumped again. "Dammit," he repeated. "It shouldn't be like this. This isn't... this isn't how I wanted this."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"I wanted...!" He turned those beautiful eyes to me, letting his passion and anger shoot forward. I froze. Alive. They were... "I wanted this to be more...!" He made a coarse growl of frustration and raked a hand through his hair.

Those eyes were alive.

"Heero..." I flicked my gaze at the walls. "Could I... just for one second... could I... have a... selfish moment?"

"Selfish moment?" he repeated. I carefully kept my eyes turned from him.

"If you don't want to then-"

"No." I flinched. "I mean," he amended quickly, "no, I don't mind."

I carefully breathed out and pushed myself up from the chair. I couldn't tell you where my cup went. I think he probably thought I was insane, looking at the stairwell and making my pathetic way over to him. I knelt before him and put my hands on his knees. "Just tell me when to stop, and I swear I will. Immediately," I breathed, looking over his shoulder.

And with a sob I threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his lap.

I think he was so surprised at first he couldn't move even if he knew what to do. And then I think it took so long to decide what to do that I beat him to the punch when I finally managed to get my vocal cords to work.

"I'm sorry I know this is selfish but I just couldn't think you were okay when I couldn't see you and if you want me to leave I will I swear I won't force you to keep me here I'm so sorry I hurt you I didn't know but I should have but I __didn't__ or else I never would have-"

"Hush, love, please, at least give me a moment to speak." His hands came finally to rest on my shoulders.

"Tell me if I'm hurting you," I ordered, carefully keeping my grip under control even though I wanted to squeeze as hard as I could, to hold him tight and reassure myself as to his existence.

"You aren't. I promise."

"I'm sorry," I said again, just for good measure. Then once more, "I'm sorry."

"Please, enough of this. I can't stand to see you like this, love."

Love. I think that word was more of a knife than a balm, even more painful to hear considering all I'd done. "And then I tried to be selfish again and..." God I couldn't even say it. "And..."

His fingers clenched tightly to my shoulders. "Please, Duo. I can't... talk about this right now."

Too painful for him. I heard it in his voice; the agony thinking about my suicide attempt brought to him. The horror and anguish of it.

"I'm sorry."

"Please," he whispered. "Please. Enough."

It reminded me of the night in his hospital room, of how he'd pleaded with me then, too. At least beneath my cheek I could feel his thigh muscles moving slightly, and beneath my arms, his body was warm. Alive. Despite everything, he was alive. I had to remind myself that nothing, absolutely nothing, else mattered but that.

"It's too late, isn't it?" I asked, forcing myself to calm down. I made to move, but Heero made a sound of protest and clutched at my shoulders, so I stayed where I was. "It's too late for us."

"No," Heero said viciously. "I'll fix the mistakes I caused. I swear it to you, Duo; I'll make up for this... somehow. So please... don't give up?"

It seemed so wrong to have Heero pleading with me so much. "Mistakes __you__ caused?" I parroted, confused.

"Yes." His fingers began playing idly with my braid. "I won't let my mistake take you from me."

"Wait." I pushed myself up, ignoring the fingers that almost clutched at my hair. "What do you mean, 'your mistakes'? What mistakes? I mean... I know you went undercover without... without telling anyone, but I should've been able to tell..." Heero's face just got sadder and sadder the more I talked, so I just shut up.

He reached out and pushed a bang from my face. "I'd like to think I'm a good enough actor to not be caught."

Was... that a joke? But Heero wasn't laughing. He wasn't even smiling. "I was cocky. I thought I could keep dodging you, that I could stay one step ahead of you. But I forgot just how..." He chuckled. "Just how innovative you could be. I forgot that you were a quick learner, and I kept giving you another chance."

"You kept letting me live," I realized, and my hands clenched into fists on his thighs. "Oh God..."

"I almost broke," he admitted quietly, "when you told me you'd always be waiting." My vision was watery with tears, but it didn't stop me from seeing the echoing tears in Heero's eyes. "That you would wait for me beyond death."

He slid from the couch and positioned himself in front of me; the space was tight in front of the coffee table, but Heero didn't seem to care, and the pain of the edge in my back didn't matter when Heero pulled me into a hug. "I hurt you. I made you think you needed to kill me. But I'd been afraid that if I told you, you wouldn't try hard enough, and I needed to get close to Frederick to be able to take him down. And then it all went to hell and... and then I woke up and heard Wufei shouting that you __wouldn't__ wait, that you were..." He took a shuddering breath, an almost wet one, and I knew he was crying. Oh God. "What would I have done?" he asked, his voice broken. "What would I have done if they'd been too late?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered. It was the best I could do. Although... an explanation was probably in order. "I'm not trying to excuse it, but... it... when I found out, I... I panicked. I hadn't been able to aim perfectly in the rush, but I hadn't tried to hold back, either... I thought..." Oh God, now __I__ was the one making the wet, crying sounds. Crying sucks.

"Quatre told me," Heero said, "when he brought... your computer to me."

Ah. Shit. That.

"You..." And here he took a ragged breath. "You wrote that for me? Just... before...?"

I nodded against his shoulder, and he just fucking broke down.

All I could do was hold him. He was clutching at my back in places that hadn't healed yet, but I would never tell him that, not when he was obviously so upset as to not notice himself. And his shoulders were shaking so bad I thought it would never stop. It wasn't fair to cry while Heero did; my tears wouldn't help, and they were an insult to his. Instead I told him what he needed to hear.

"I'm alive. I'm all right. It didn't happen; I didn't die. I survived. Listen. Listen; you can hear it. My heartbeat. You can hear it, right?" And Heero leaned down until his ear was pressed to my chest; he took an unsteady breath. "That's it. Just listen. I'm fine now, and I'm perfectly healthy." Slight lie, but Heero's shoulders were stilling, so I didn't care. "And I swear, I swear I'll never try anything like that again."

"You better not," he mumbled. When I tried to look at him, he carefully clenched himself close to me, refusing to let me see his face. I sighed.

"I won't. It's too selfish."

Heero's fingers bit into my shoulders. "I must apologize... for what I said. In the hospital."

"Why?" I chuckled for him. "It was true."

"Still... the delivery could've been better."

"Ah, but there was a one hundred percent chance of me paying attention if you socked me. Pretty effective." I pointed out, lifting a hand from his back to lift up my first finger to the ceiling.

"Duo, don't brush this off. Quatre... told me."

"Told you?" I repeated, looking down at the crown of his head. His words were a little muffled; he'd buried his face into my chest somewhere in there. It was so strange, seeing Heero so... so fucking vulnerable. I'd never seen it before. It made me hurt. It made me feel like killing someone. It made me feel... possessive, and protective. Like I'd give my life to protect him without a second thought. I mean, I'd always felt that way, but somehow... somehow, not like this... I just knew that nothing, nothing was as precious as keeping this man's smile safe.

"He told me that you... he told me what happened after I fell."

I frowned, my mind being forcefully pulled into the present. "You mean how I went after that leader guy?" I asked.

But Heero shook his head. His hair tickled my nose. "No. Not that. He told me about how you acted when... after you shot me."

I flinched violently.

Heero grabbed my shoulders, kept me from pulling away from him. "I'm sorry."

"It's the truth," I repeated. Still, it felt like I'd just been tasered. "W-Well," I tried, pulling myself together with sheer willpower, "how did you expect me to react? I'd just..." I petered out, unable to say it.

"I know. I'd thought I'd be able to evade you, but then you were suddenly __there__. I couldn't dodge in time... I'd known it before I'd tried. The only thing I could do was stop the blow from being fatal."

I flinched again. That close? It'd been that close? "I'm sorry," I whispered. "Thank God. Thank God you managed to..."

"I thought you were an atheist?" Heero joked, but I was past being able to laugh.

"I'll thank every deity ever named," I said seriously. I think my words sobered him, too, because he just sort of... limped into my arms. It was the strangest feeling, having __Heero Yuy__ giving all the control over to me.

"Duo, I... made a huge mistake, didn't I?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.

I knew what he was talking about this time – the fact that he'd gone undercover without anyone knowing. I didn't say anything; it may have been a tactical mistake, but I could see where he'd been coming from. He just... could have trusted my acting abilities a little more.

"Do you __want__ to continue... us?" he asked.

He very carefully __didn't__ hold tight to me this time; that more than anything made it plain that this was __his__ taboo question. __His__ greatest fear.

So I held him carefully, mindful of his injury, and answered as honestly as possible.

"If we didn't continue, Heero, I __would__ try it again. Or at least... when I went back to the stars, I wouldn't put all my effort into my job."

It was __his__ turn to flinch violently.

"I can't," I said simply. "I can't. I guess maybe I'm just a stupid fucking romantic, but I can't go back to being without you. I tried, during those... during those months, to try to find a way. But I couldn't. All I wanted was to kill Caribol's people and then – well, you know."

"Why?" he demanded. "Why can't you just keep living?"

"I just can't." My answer probably pissed him off, but it was the truth. "I guess that means you can just never die, Heero."

It made his breath shudder, hearing that. "That's... hard, considering my job."

"It shouldn't be. Just don't go up against another Gundam pilot."

He laughed a little too loud. "We'll fix this. We __will__."

I leaned my head onto his shoulder, breathed in his scent. Alive. That smell was still there, and beneath my hands his skin practically burned, reminding me that there was life. If the two of us still lived, then that meant that we could work through any problem, right?

I took a deep breath, trying to firm those words in my mind. "Sure we will."


	5. Metallica Saga

Heero had only returned home a few days ago, but he'd plunged straight into work.

He'd said it was because he had to help clean up the mess with Caribol, but I think it was to escape the awkward silences in the house.

Oh, we'd talked about our... problems from the previous, uh, mission. But that didn't automatically solve them. Imagine your – boyfriend? Imagine your boyfriend freaking out if he sees you drinking something he didn't get for you. Then imagine yourself freaking out every time your boyfriend left for work or clutched his stomach.

Kind of problematic, huh?

Yeah. Just a little.

We'd been walking on eggshells around each other ever since Heero returned from the hospital. Our routine had gotten thrown into an immediate standstill. Heero and I just wouldn't talk to each other. But there were times... there were times when I thought he'd turned to me to try to say something. He just... never actually opened his fucking mouth.

It was driving me insane.

I had absolutely nothing to do, of course. Une wasn't giving me work, and I couldn't go shooting off into space, seeing as Heero would probably freak. But I was slowly going insane from boredom, so much so that I'd gotten into an interesting habit of writing random poems on scraps of paper. I'd kept them carefully hidden after writing them, of course. Thank you very much.

Agh. My life was at a very boring standstill.

I hated standstills.

"Come __ooonn__ ," I groaned, flopping around on the bed. I'd already done my exercises and fixed up an old poem of mine. I was officially out of interesting things to do. "I am __soooo__ bored!"

I almost whooped when the doorbell rang.

Racing down the stairs was probably a stupid thing to do, but I made it safely to the bottom so I didn't care. I did whoop when I looked out the peephole.

"Quatre!" I grinned madly at the blond, then sent a careful smile over to Trowa, who stood behind Quatre bodyguard-style. "Trowa. Hi. What're you guys doing here?"

Quatre blushed and looked down at his feet.

I blinked. "Uh...?" I turned to Trowa. "Are you going to enlighten me?"

Trowa sighed, scratched his head, and pushed open the door. Only when he'd gently pushed Quatre inside did he come in and close the door, effectively making our conversation private. I turned to him with an eyebrow raised.

"Well?" I pressed.

But Trowa just placed a hand on Quatre's shoulder. "Just say it," he advised.

Quatre cleared his throat. "Uh, Duo, I have some news for you."

I have no idea where I found the patience not to shake Quatre into just coughing it up. "And?"

"Well..." He hesitated. "Technically, I'm not supposed to be telling you this, okay?"

"Um, okay...?"

Quatre stepped forward and glanced furtively around. "Heero's at work, right?"

Oh, now if that didn't get me a little concerned, nothing would. "Uh, yeah."

"Well, then Une wants to talk to you."

"And this would make you blush because...?"

Quatre cleared his throat. "And I wanted to ask you something," he finished lamely.

"And that would be...?"

But Quatre seemed about done now; he just shrugged and looked vaguely at the walls. It was Trowa who finally just muttered something under his breath and told me. "He wants to publish a book of your poetry."

"What?!" I yelped, so disturbed I actually jumped back a little bit. Quatre was carefully studying the dragon statuette Wufei had given Heero; the thing had miraculously survived wholly intact. Apparently he already knew my answer. "Uh, sorry, Quatre, but my answer is 'no way in hell'."

Quatre sighed, finally turning back to look me in the eye. "I sort of figured." But then he brightened. "But you aren't angry?"

"No," I said carefully, "just a bit confused."

Quatre seemed about ready to belabor his point, but unbelievably, Trowa was the one to grab his shoulder and shake his head, thus ending Quatre's monologue before it began.

"Uh, so does either of you know what the commander wants?"

I think my jaw dropped when Trowa, of all people, answered me. "All we know is that it's about Caribol."

I let out an exaggerated sigh and gestured them further inside, ushering Quatre into a chair while I took the sofa. Trowa chose to continue standing, but at least now he was leaning against the wall. "I thought Preventors was taking care of that?"

Trowa and Quatre both just shrugged. "We don't know; we were just told to come 'fetch' you," Quatre told me. "We thought you might have an idea."

"None. Heero isn't talking." I bit my lip then. Heero and I weren't talking to each other about much of anything these days.

Quatre seemed to catch my mood. "Duo... how are things...? Between you two?"

I found myself staring at the carpet before I could consciously tell myself not to. "Well, I guess you can imagine." I felt my face flush. "Think about it. After everything that's happened, it's going to... to be a while... before we can get back on track."

Trowa snorted. "You were on track before?"

" _ _Trowa__!" Quatre reprimanded, but Trowa's words made me smile.

"No... maybe not. But we were at least... I dunno, on the right train? Now it's like we were trying to get to the train station and both ended up at different airports."

"Really good metaphor there. I can see why you're a poet."

I could've punched him. "But you understood it, didn't you?" It was a sarcastic question; it would e pretty hard not to have.

"But Duo, is it really that bad?" Quatre asked, all concerned and worried. He leaned forward in his seat. "Heero hasn't been mean, has he?"

Mean. Trust Quatre. "No, nothing like that. It's more like... well, look at the two of you." I gestured to them, making Quatre blink rather confusedly. "Trowa's behind you, leaning toward you, and you're leaning back, toward him. Heero and I... we kind of walk __around__ each other, you know?" I twisted my first finger in circles. "Like there are bubbles around us we can't let pop."

Quatre frowned at me. "Maybe that's really what it is?"

My hand dropped. "Huh?"

Trowa sighed long-sufferingly.

"I mean," Quatre said, "the two sound like you're being careful around each other because of what happened... before. Right?"

I nodded slowly. "Uh, yeah?" What did that have to do with bubbles?

"Well, don't you think that might be because you're afraid of being hurt again?"

It was like listening to the gears click into place and watching some ancient enchanted door creak open. " _ _Oh__!" It made me stand, like a spring had been hit. "Oh – __shit!__ "

Maybe Heero and I had an even bigger problem than I'd imagined.

Trowa laughed at me. "You need to do something about it," he told me then, serious as a ghost. "At this rate, things will fall apart."

I flinched. Well, no shit, Sherlock. I'd known that before I'd known the reason for all this. I turned back to Quatre. "But do you think that's the reason Heero's been avoiding me?"

"Maybe," Quatre hedged. "It's hard to tell – Heero's really guarding his emotions right now."

Which sounded to me like he was definitely feeling emotionally brittle. "All right. Great." I sat back down, only to stand again. "I'm sorry to throw you guys out, but I guess I should go see what Her Highness wants."

"Ah, Commander Une?" Quatre stood then as well. "That might be best. She seemed a bit upset when she was talking to us."

"What she sounded like was pissed." Trowa pushed himself off of the wall to stand beside Quatre. There is was again; they were unconsciously leaning toward each other. And when Trowa looked down at Quatre, that small, almost indecipherable smile crossed his lips. Quatre just freaking beamed at him – thank goodness, I thought, that whatever problems the two had seemed to be having were working themselves out. "Duo."

I jumped a bit, blushed. Why did it feel like I just got caught peeping into the girl's locker room? "Y-Yeah?"

"Did you do something to piss the woman off?"

I immediately opened my mouth to argue, but really, maybe I had. I'd kind of moved on my own initiative and killed the leader of Caribol, thus effectively losing his testimony. "Uh... maybe?"

Trowa snorted. "Then we'll go so you can get your ass reamed. Come on, Quatre."

Trowa put an arm over Quatre's shoulders and began steering him out. "Ah – but... maybe we should go with him, Trowa. If she's going to..."

But I just laughed and opened the door for them. "I think I can handle the crazy lady, Qat. I've been doing it for years, remember? Thanks for coming and telling me. Take care, okay?"

"Yeah, okay – but-"

And I very gently shut the door on his face.

And sighed.

Shit. When I'd been complaining about boredom, I didn't really want it to be broken by the psycho hag's ass-chewing. Good for breaking monotony it may be, but I didn't think my ass would appreciate it much.

"Fine, fine," I grumbled carefully stretching my arms out. I would be okay getting there, at least. And if I fell in a heap of pain and suffering, well, that would be all her fault.

* * *

"Strike."

It was as soon as I entered her office; I hadn't even gotten the chance to crack a joke at her yet. Apparently this shit was serious.

She was half-glaring at me as I took my seat, her hands folded neatly in front of her. She looked like a principal about to reprimand a wayward student. Or at least I guessed this was what angry principals looked like.

"Make yourself comfortable," she warned, then slid a thick manila envelope my way. "And read that."

That was it; the lady was fucking scary. "Nice to see you too, _mon capitan_ ," I piped, slipping the folder closer and flipping it open. "Glad to see you all bright and shiny and bubbly, as usual."

"Glad to see you walking," the woman retorted blandly, not even bothering to look at me as she bent down to some documents laying out on her desk.

I had to give her that little tally mark. Woman was freaking terrifying.

The papers inside were mostly familiar. Here be Caribol Fuckface One, there be Caribol Fuckface Two. I couldn't help scowling at the pictures of the bastards anymore than I could help the fury building deep inside me. There were reports on interrogations, interviews (from the surviving cyborgs) and other miscellaneous bullshit, including stuff on the casino. Finally I dropped the folder back on her desk. "So?" I asked, leaning back and crossing my arms.

"So. Did you notice the anomalies?" She leaned forward.

I scowled and thought back. "Ah – Fuckface Two's name and profile was in there before the last reports were in, even though it said there were no records of the guy to be found. Is that what you mean?"

The woman gave a loud sigh. "You mean __Frederick Trudgill__ , right?"

"Sure. The Fuckface I shot when he picked up his gun." After telling the stupid fucker to pick up his gun, I should say. And his stupidly doing it. Dumb fuck.

"So how do you think we got this information?" she asked, even though anyone could have followed the thread – or at least anyone who'd been trained to almost-death by this old fart and his younger cronies.

"We'd received the information through a second contact," I answered, and my mind whirled. "But the only 'second contact' we had was... Heero." I snapped up in the chair. "Are you shitting me? He tried to contact us?"

"Strike – Maxwell. Is that language necessary?"

But I couldn't have cared less if the building were tilting like the fucking leaning tower. "So did he?"

"That's what it seems like."

I huffed and slumped back, my mind racing. "So if he tried to contact us and someone kept it quiet-"

"We have ourselves a mole."

I tried to think about all of the suffering we all went through thinking Heero was dead. Then I tried to think about Heero, out there on his own thinking we'd have his back when in reality he was being fucking from the inside. I tried to think what the guy looked like so I could pound his face into a meat grinder.

Then I stopped myself. "But wouldn't Heero have mentioned it?" It was highly unlikely, after all, that Heero would just let something like that slide when he returned.

"You'd think."

I sighed. Sometimes the woman was just freaking annoying – but she could get away with it. Because she was terrifying. "In other words, you want me to find out."

"Exactly."

Well, I was certainly curious enough. I rolled my shoulders and stood. "Fine. And I suppose I'm expected to keep this a secret from Heero?"

"Turn around's fair play," she noted.

"Right." I chuckled darkly. "Well, it's not like we're on that great of speaking terms right now," I mumbled, half to myself. I definitely wanted to know why this information hadn't been sent out. Or why Heero had failed to mention it yet. Heero wasn't the type to let something like this slide; there was a fucking mole in our midsts, after all. And Heero was certainly a stickler for loyalty.

"Is that something you want to go into more detail about?"

I gave her a dirty look. "No."

"Just thought I'd ask." She shrugged and stood, as well. "In any case, I want you to get started on this first thing. Your wounds have pretty much healed, correct?"

"Yeah, that's right." I could even go a whole day without feeling any pain sometimes.

"Good. Then get started."

"Yes, O Mighty One." I bowed to her and made my escape, the woman's half-glare at my back the whole way.

* * *

Of course I went on-line first. I went straight back to Heero's place and hooked myself through the Preventors' databases and checked through records. Of course there was nothing, at least not on the surface. Heero would have been extra-cautious.

I sighed after about two hours and rolled my neck around, working out the kinks. Heero would be back soon; I had to erase everything and close down. The real search would begin tomorrow.

But why? Why would Heero try to get in touch with everyone? Hell, he'd said that he specifically hadn't tried to get in touch with us because he was suspicious of my acting skills. It had been what had gotten everything... what had led me to...

I shook my head violently. No. Couldn't let those images suck me in again. They were clear enough each night.

I shut down my computer, stood and stretched. I'd begun studying how to cook, and so far I'd managed to make fairly decent meals, all of which were carefully balanced for Heero's health – though I'd assured him I'd been doing this since I left the hospital in order to gain my own health back. It was just easier to let him think that.

The truth was that I was just plain afraid to let anything enter Heero's mouth that I wasn't aware of. As long as I knew what he was eating, I could be fairly certain that he was clutching his stomach due to pain from his wound and not from poison. Although I'd warned him that my food may end up being about as edible as said poison...

I sighed. Heero and I weren't... why were we even living together? We said we'd try to get through this together, that as long as we were alive we could move through this. But we weren't going anywhere.

I heard the door downstairs open and cursed. I'd been so busy freaking out I hadn't gotten my ass downstairs to start dinner. I hurried to the stairs to rectify that mistake.

Heero was standing just in front of the door as I started down, a stricken look on his face. His Preventors files were scattered all over the floor.

"Heero?" I called, quickly coming down the stairs. "Heero?"

He turned to me like a gunshot. "Duo," he breathed, and then he was on me, pulling me toward him, door wide open and files still laying forlornly on the carpet. His arms were around me before I quite knew he was intending anything at all.

And then he pulled my head to the crook of his neck and I got to listen to his heartbeat hammering away, his fear beating a fierce tattoo into my eardrum.

He'd been scared.

And I realized that this was the first day since he returned to work that I hadn't been in the kitchen cooking something when he returned.

"Sorry," I whispered, and his arms just tightened around me. I felt pain bloom up my back, but I shrugged it aside. "I didn't do anything – I was spacing out and lost track of time, that's all. Quatre came over," I told him, thinking up an excuse as quickly as possible. "He said he wanted to get my poems published – it just freaked me out a little bit."

Heero's chuckle was a little wired.

We just stood there for a few minutes, him holding me and getting his shit together, me hating myself for having attempted suicide and thus making Heero constantly worry about me. I didn't like seeing him like this. It made me feel helpless.

"I'll get dinner ready now," I told him. Then, knowing he wouldn't be able to leave my side, I asked him, "do you want to help?"

"Yes." He seemed to jump on the opportunity to keep me in his sight. "I'll help."

"Great. Then __you__ can take the fat off the chicken. That shit is __nasty__."

Heero chuckled again, and this time he seemed a bit more in control. "I'm sorry for that." He slipped his arms from my back and stood away from me, looking a little sham-faced.

"It's fine," I assured him, and proceeded into the kitchen before he could see the self-hatred in my eyes. It would only worry him more – an emotion he equated with suicidal thoughts.

At this point, could we really manage to make it through this?

* * *

* * *

We ate dinner in silence.

It was the usual awkward affair – pass the salt, please, pass the gravy, the food is good – and all the while you're mentally screaming __please God get me the hell out of here__. That sort of thing.

Personally, other than the mental screaming, I was studying Heero's profile. I let all thoughts slip my mind and just __looked__. Hey, I am a man, okay? Heero's entire body was one to make anyone interested in men have a permanent fucking hard-on. But for me it was more than that. Seeing him made me feel calm. Safe. It was strange. These days, having known the despair of his death – something I'd felt once before during the war – I couldn't help but notice these things – how his hair fell in a curve into his right eye, how his fingers curled around the fork, even how his eyelids lowered just slightly when he looked down at his plate. All I could do was watch.

It hurt, how much I loved him.

He rarely looked up at me, probably due to his loss of control earlier, but nevertheless it was... daunting. We seemed so far apart. More than just the table separated us. It was like... like we'd placed barriers around ourselves and didn't know how to take them down.

I poked my food and stared at it morosely. It was habit that had me eating more that anything. Waste not, want not and all that. I chewed and thought and finally, when Heero was about to excuse himself, I spoke.

"Maybe... we should talk."

My words were hardly more than a whisper, but Heero froze from getting out of his seat and just stared at me kind of wide-eyed. Scared?

"About what?" he asked me, and his voice seemed to waver.

"Heero." I put my fork down and leaned forward, but I couldn't stand looking into his eyes and dropped my gaze to my plate. "We... can't continue like this."

His breath hissed in sharply.

"We aren't getting anywhere; we're walking on tip-toes around each other... it's like we're enemies instead of..." But what could I call us? Boyfriends? Partners? We certainly weren't lovers.

"Duo. Are you... do you... want to leave?"

I jerked back, stunned. His face was twisted with emotion. "No – no! That's not what I meant!"

He closed his eyes and seemed to gather himself. I saw his hands tremble as they placed his plate carefully back on the table. He sat it down a bit too carefully. "Then...?"

"We can't keep this up, Heero. I... I want to be able to talk to you."

Heero raked a hand through his hair. "I... understand. But... whenever I look at you, I wonder..."

I laughed a bit bitterly. "And I always look at you and fear what I've done. What I almost did."

"Duo, that's-"

"I won't do it again, Heero; I'll never hurt you again," I said strongly, cutting off whatever platitude he was about to give me. "That's on me, what I did. And I know it's hard to believe this after what I tried to do, but I swear I'm not going to try again. There's no way to fix everything I've done, all the mistakes I've made. But at least... at least for that __one__ mistake, you can know that I'm saying the truth." My hands fisted on top of the table.

Heero cursed under his breath. "This shouldn't be done here. Let's go to the living room."

I let Heero lead me out of the kitchen, even allowed him to place me on one side of the sofa while he took the other. I looked up only then, knowing that Heero's eyes would pierce me in place, knowing that I wouldn't be able to speak in time to stop him from trying to placate me once more.

"I love you."

I jerked back a bit, shocked by the sudden fierceness in his voice. I tried to speak, but he cut off me off before I could even start.

"I love you," he repeated. "More than anything. I've never really... I've never had the chance to love someone, so I never know if I'm doing it right. I can only do the best I can. It makes me falter sometimes, knowing that I want to keep you here, yet wanting you to have your freedom. It made me hesitate to say this. Duo." And Heero grabbed my hand, pulled it forward. "I would die if I lost you."

I flinched.

"No, hear me out. I can't lose you. I suppose that helps me understand... what you were thinking. If I had been in your place..." He took a deep breath. "I can't even imagine. My mind stops right in the middle of the scenario. I... can't bear to think about it."

I just kept bending into myself; while he couldn't bear to think about it, I couldn't take the image out of my mind.

"In that sense, I can understand. But in my fear, I lost sight of that. All I could think about was that I had almost lost you. And even now, thinking about it... no one will tell me anything about it – about what you did, or how close it was." He took a deep breath, his hands shaking against mine. "All I know was that you ended up hospitalized."

If he was digging, he wasn't being too subtle about it. "As I said," I mumbled, glaring holes in our couch, "I used strychnine."

"A slow killer."

I hunched into myself just that little bit further. "...Yeah."

"Why?"

"Heero, what exactly does this have to do with-"

"I need to know."

That got me. I looked up and cocked an eyebrow. "Need to?"

His eyes never wavered. "Yes."

Shit. Soldier mode, huh? I caved and saved myself the time and energy. "I used strychnine because it would cause me the most pain."

Heero's hands clenched so tightly I winced. "Specifically __because__ of it?"

I nodded rather despondently. "Yeah."

" _ _Why?"__

His voice was so anguished it hurt my chest to hear it. When I finally managed to answer, it was in a whisper. "Because I knew I would have to kill you."

We sat there for a while, each thinking our own thoughts. My mind whirled. Would he hate me? Get pissed? Jump up and leave the room? Then, of course, a part of my mind was wondering if it was really okay to have told you, and whether I should let this conversation get swept away by Heero again, just like they always seemed to. And if it wasn't being swept away, then what the hell was he asking me this shit for?

Then I got this picture of Une in my mind and remembered that Heero had sent word of his going undercover to someone in the department and wondered if he would bring up that particular topic while we were talking.

"So you had planned it?"

I scowled. "Of course."

There was another interesting little pause before Heero found his voice again. "And how close was it?"

I shrugged and switched my gaze to the back of the couch, more for a change of scenery than for any other reason. "I hadn't really figured I could be saved at that point. The doctor said that I should have died – my organs should have failed and whatnot. But I guess training made it harder for me to croak, even though I'd taken more than the necessary dose."

I hardly finished before Heero pulled my wrist forward until I was trapped within his arms. "See?" His breath whispered against my ear. "I can't take it. I can't. If I'd found you like that... or worse... I can't..."

Shit, he was crying again. "Oi, oi," I murmured, awkwardly freeing my arms so I could hold him, too. "You aren't fully healed yet."

"I'm healed enough. I made sure I was healthy enough before I came back. Just in case."

"Bastard," I muttered. And to think I'd thought the man had been avoiding me. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the 'just in case' applied to __me__. In case I couldn't take care of myself. Two injured people in the same house usually had a tough time of it, right? Bastard.

His arms tightened around me. "Duo. Duo. I want to say I'll be all right, that it doesn't hurt me too much. And even though you say you won't try again, and despite the fact that I believe you, I still can't shake the fear."

I took a careful breath, mindful both of his wound and my still-healing muscles. "And I can't stop seeing... that time."

Heero flinched at that, but there was nothing for it and we ended up just sitting there for a long time.

"But, you know," I started again, when I didn't feel any more tremors in Heero's back that warned of leaking in the pipes, "I think we seriously need to start moving on from this shit."

Heero's grip on me changed; suddenly he was simply hugging me and not clutching. And he laughed. "You're hopeless," he informed me.

"Eh?" Figuring it was okay now, I pushed him back so we could look each other in the face. That special smile was there, shining at me. "Hopeless? How is what I said hopeless? Or even funny, for that matter?"

"No, what you said isn't funny." But hell if the asshole wasn't still smiling. "But I do agree with it. We're more than just those two moments."

"Uh – Heero. I just don't want things to be as they've been."

"Me either," he confessed. Heero linked our fingers again, this time holding them up. "I almost lost you. How could I possibly allow myself to continue like this, knowing that?"

I blinked. "Yeah... yeah. Exactly." I thought of that moment again, saw him fall to the ground with his blood falling on my hands. Remembered the agony of it, of knowing I'd killed him. Heero was right. After having lost him – after having felt the horror, the clenching that squeezed my heart – there was no way I could stand to waste even a second.

"Duo – are you all right?"

I shuddered. No; I couldn't afford to lose any more time with him.

Heero was looking at me with that concerned look of his, one that bored through all of my pretensions. "Sorry," I said, and gave him a little smile. That frown of his deepened; he could see the smile was fake. "Remembering."

Those beautiful eyes melted into sadness.

"No, no, I don't want to get into it again." I held up my right hand – the one that wasn't linked to his. "Whenever we start this, you start saying it's your fault."

Heero opened his mouth, but said nothing. And I realized that it __was__ his fault. Because he hadn't told me... but had told someone else. He could have contacted me through Preventors, but he hadn't. He'd gone for some nameless guy. Hell; if he'd wanted to get in touch with someone, why hadn't he at least gotten in touch with Wufei, at least? For crying out-

Oh shit.

I backpedaled helluva quick and desperately tried to rearrange my face. "Uh, so anyway, I just wanted to talk to you so we didn't keep walking on eggshells around here, and, um... yeah."

Heero leaned in a bit, as if testing my lying face by coming ever closer. "Duo, it really wasn't your fault."

I stared at him wide-eyed and held my breath. Was he going to say it? Was he really going to just fess up and tell me what the hell was going on?

"I could have dodged. Hell, I could have avoided the fight altogether. It was just that Quatre surprised me by showing up, and..."

I almost felt... well, I was kind of hurt. Heero was still keeping secrets from me. Worse, now I was feeling sort of suspicious about someone else, someone I would have never questioned under any other circumstances. Why wouldn't Heero just __say__ that he'd sent a message to Preventors? Why wouldn't the man just admit it?

"No, dammit. I fought against you with the intention to kill. I just got lucky that time."

Heero was still wearing that uber-sad expression, but here he smirked a little bit. "I don't think luck is something that would work against me. Besides, you always had rotten luck."

Trying to turn it into a joke, huh? And you gotta love the humor-barb on the end there. It almost got me. "Heero, I'm serious. I think... we seriously fucked things up back there."

Heero sobered enough to nod without smiling. "I agree." His hand squeezed mine. "So where does that leave us?"

Hell if I knew. "Maybe we should... I dunno... at least never do stupid shit like that again? And tell each other the truth from now on?"

"Sounds like a plan to me." He raised our hands up to his lips and kissed the back of my palm. "I love you."

"I love you, too, jackass." But then I stood. Because he still telling me. "Now, let's clean those dishes before the food sticks to the plates."

He grinned and let me lead him back to the kitchen, keeping our hands linked all the way. We had to break up to pick things up and clean and all that boring after-yum work. Heero was silent, though at least things weren't as tense as they'd been during the meal.

He wasn't telling me. He wasn't going to say just what the hell was going on, why he hadn't contacted __me__ , or why he'd bothered contacting Headquarters in the first place if all he was going to send was a little note on the boss. Even though we'd __just__ finished promising to tell the truth to each other from now on.

What would he do if I confronted him with it? I imagined it, me turning to him as he continued soaping up the pots. I would yell at him, tell him I knew. Or would I simply tell him I was working on a new case, one involving Caribol and oddly early files on the enemy? What would he say? What would he do? Would he actually fucking turn around and spit it out?

Right. Like I would actually do that. I was far too afraid – afraid that he'd have a completely different response than what I wanted.

Yup. I was definitely a coward.

* * *

I looked into it on my laptop that night despite how much I didn't want to even consider it.

But who else would Heero contact? Thinking about it, the first person Heero would try to get in touch with, if it wasn't going to be Commander Une, should be Wufei. Right? But Wufei had seemed just as clueless as me, and he'd spoken to me several times about having to kill Heero. Had it all been an act? Had he been faking it the entire time? But why?

I searched through Preventor files with the access Une granted me. Not that I needed it to search, but I didn't think Une would appreciate me hacking into her oh so precious system. I must have searched until about three in the morning, but I didn't find anything. And certainly nothing on Wufei. Of course, Wufei knew his way around a computer console. But it wasn't like I didn't know  _ _my__  way around either, and I'd grown a particular attachment to hacking during my training days with Dr. G. It was all about stealth, after all.

"Fucking hell." I closed down my laptop after having made absolutely no progress whatsoever. It was depressing. Maybe I was losing my touch?

I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and took care of business and headed back to bed. Sleep came quickly, as soon as I allowed it to. Just like in training. Maybe I wasn't losing my touch – maybe whoever had hidden whatever information I was looking for was damn good at hiding things.

But, dammit, I was better.

I'd find out the truth somehow, no matter how long it took. Since I couldn't exactly get the fucking information straight from the horse's mouth.

* * *

Well, things went pretty normally the next morning. We ate breakfast together – yeah, definitely less tension – and Heero went off to work with a small peck of lips as parting. It made me blush. He hadn't done it before.

And then it was back to my computer. Whee.

I dug as deep as one could without burning a hole in the system, but there was nothing from Wufei that wasn't already in the records. I sighed in relief, then immediately felt a wave of guilt. I'd doubted Wufei, who had done nothing but help me during those days. We'd spent two months together at that damn safehouse, and he and I had both been going mad with worry, and then with depression so thick it had been hard to walk.

He and I had suffered together. Thinking about it, there was no way Wufei had been faking it, even if there'd been a good reason to. If he'd known Heero had been alive, he would have maintained that stoic iciness he was so famous for and never would have stayed in that downstairs bathroom for the three hours that he had.

Of course, that meant that I lost the only lead I'd had. I tossed and turned scenarios in my mind, but none of them added up. Heero would have informed Une if he'd been going to inform anyone at all. Heero would have contacted either Wufei or myself if he'd been unable to catch Une for whatever reason. It didn't make sense that Heero wouldn't follow these courses of action. Who else did Heero trust with his life?

Although, really, how much did I know about Heero and his circle of trusted friends? It had most likely grown while I was away, especially in a place like Preventors, where only the best of the best congregated. He probably had several people he trusted now.

Feeling like a shit, I sent an e-mail to Une asking her to send me a list of those close to one Heero Yuy.

God, I felt like an asshole.

It took me a while to figure out why, but I finally figured that it was probably because I was hiding something from Heero, too. I wanted him to spew everything before I informed him that I was investigating him.

Jesus. I was investigating Heero Yuy.

I received Une's reply to my e-mail and just sat staring at the list blankly for a while.

It wasn't that Une and I didn't trust Heero. We just didn't know what the hell was going on. And through combat experience, not understanding an ally's actions meant finding out why they did what they did without them knowing you were trying to figure it out. Kind of like a secret test of loyalty or something.

But was that really the right way to go about doing it? Going behind Heero's back like this... it didn't feel right. A list of his friends was right in front of me, but the last thing I wanted to do was read it, check out their profiles, go through their correspondence... I felt like a stalker. Or maybe some sort of murderer. I didn't know why. It just seemed... wrong.

I pushed the laptop away and stood. I couldn't bear to do this – to look behind Heero's back and investigate him. Put him under constant suspicion.

Like last night. We'd finally been talking, but I'd been thinking about the odd profile. I'd been questioning him, doubting him, while we spoke. What kind of relationship was that?

I couldn't keep this up. There was no way. I didn't want to crawl around searching for the cobwebs in Heero's soul. They were his, not mine. It made me feel sick, searching behind his back like this.

"I love him," I murmured, needing to say it out loud. "I love him. So I have to trust him. And trust him to tell me the truth."

I squared my shoulders. All right. When Heero came back, I would demand an answer. And I would trust him to tell me the complete truth.

My stomach quivered at the thought.

* * *

* * *

I ended up killing some time by dusting the house and sweeping the floor. Heero and I kept the house in good enough shape as it was, but dust was fucking evil and it liked to reproduce like hell – which was my personal opinion as to why dust balls were referred to as dust bunnies.

More, it let me waste about an hour or so of time.

Then it was simply a matter of sitting and doing absolutely fucking nothing. I was starting to get fidgety; I wanted to just confront him and get it over with before my cowardice caught up with me and stopped me.

I ended up playing around with the television, not really watching anything, just flipping through the channels. I finally stopped it on one of those real-life murder mystery shows and started doing my muscle-building exercises.

It was about a half an hour in that I got the uh-oh feeling. I didn't falter in my exercises, but I turned my body on hyper-alert. Someone was outside.

They were only making a slight amount of noise, noise that could be taken as normal if I hadn't undertaken the training from hell. Instead I could tell that instead of leaves rustling, those were footsteps. Instead of the wind, I could tell that a hand had been placed on the house.

I felt kind of stupid when the doorbell rang.

I stopped my exercises and went to the door, rolling my shoulders. My body was still humming on aftereffects as I twisted the knob and pulled the door open.

My body tensed again. There was nobody there.

Instead I had a pretty little bag with a pretty little note on it. I didn't even touch the thing. Left it there and closed the door.

Then I leaned my back against the door and closed my eyes and told myself I was being ridiculous. So I got a turd from a neighborhood kid. What the hell was so scary about that? I was still so fucking twitchy after hearing the kid creeping around that I seriously was about ready to jump the poor sucker. What the fuck?

But then... why the hell was there a note?

"Maybe the kid left another insult," I told myself, trying to calm down. Things had been hectic enough these days; I didn't need any more problems. And maybe all the stress from all the action was making me hyper-sensitive to anything that could be considered danger. I just needed to relax. It was absolutely ridiculous for an ex-Gundam pilot to be afraid of dog shit.

I took a deep breath and opened the door again. There was still no one there. Had I heard someone run away? I hadn't paid too much attention... so I should go on the assumption that the brat was still around.

I had no idea why that thought put me on full alert.

The bag sat, one hundred percent unassumingly, on the porch steps. It couldn't be anything bad; it was a tiny fucking lunch bag. Brown. Boring. And a little white note, stark against the paper. Completely normal.

I had to take another deep breath before I could get my ass to move forward.

Absolutely nothing happened. I would have actually preferred some bad guy to pop out. Maybe a masked man with a sawed-off shotgun or something. But there was absolutely nothing, so I just picked up the bag and brought it inside and quickly shut the door.

I was almost excited for a split second. I'd never been in a community before coming to live with Heero, and it was kind of cool to have community shit happening around me, even if it was literally shit. But then alarm bells went off in my head.

This did not smell like shit. It was not shit.

I almost threw the fucking thing out the window before I calmed myself down. Whatever was inside there, I knew it wasn't a bomb or a grenade or any sort of weapon. I'd been trained to recognize the weight and feel of such things, and this didn't feel like any of the sort. It wasn't even hard, and it leaked. So exactly what the fuck was it?

I figured the safest thing would be to read the note first. Maybe it wasn't something to worry about. Then again, it probably was.

The little white sheet was a small square thing, something like a notepad piece of paper. I stared at it in my hand, flipped it over. There was definitely writing in it, a small chicken-scratch script. I folded it open and read it, my mouth gaping further and further open as I did.

You don't know me yet, but I am certain we will get to know one another much better very soon. I know you are tired of being with him, that you need to be free. I will save you. Count the days.

My first thought was that this was supposed to be for someone else. It seemed so absolutely ridiculous that I double-checked the back to see if there was something I missed. But no, there was nothing else written. I cocked an eyebrow and turned to the bag. A stalker? I had a stalker? It almost made me laugh. A fucking stalker. No way. What a trip.

There was no way in hell I could take that seriously.

I shook the bag and bit my lip hard to keep from chuckling. It sounded mushy, kind of like shit. And it was definitely leaking. I took it out to the kitchen before it completely soaked the carpet. Then I put the thing in the sink and opened it.

"Fucking shit!"

I backed away from the thing like it was a lethal virus, shaking my hands in the air as if I could get the feeling off my hands, even though I had yet to touch it. That... that was most definitely a heart. Most likely of a cat or small dog.

" _ _Fuck."__

Not a good thing. That was definitely not something to laugh at. And even though the thought of someone stalking me and trying to kidnap me were still pretty fucking hilarious, the idea that he would kill an animal and hand me its heart was twisted and sick.

I spent a few minutes throwing the things straight into a grocery bag and tossing it into the garbage can outside. Then I went about cleaning the carpet, which had turned a light pink, and scrubbed like a madman for several minutes. Apparently blood stains like wine. Gotta remember that.

Then I washed my hands and took care to get the blood out from under my fingernails. I was just about to go outside and check around for the little fucker when I heard the door being opened.

I turned to the sound, sink newly turned off, and stared at Heero, coming in through the front door. My first instinct was to scream 'cover!' But I swallowed it back. It was just some loser with far too much time on his hands and most definitely far too many screws loose. I could easily deal with it myself.

"Hey, Heero!"

"Hi." He smiled at me and dropped his briefcase. "How are things? Huh? Why's the carpet wet?"

I opened my mouth to lie but stopped myself short. If I lied, I would break the oath he and I had  _ _just__  made. I sighed. "I got a weird gift from some secret admirer. I already threw it out."

"Gift? Secret admirer?"

You know, somehow him repeating the word gift made me realize that it was actually the first time I could remember someone giving me something without expecting something in return. But that wasn't quite right, was it? Because I was fairly certain whoever this was wanted something, and they wanted it bad.

"Duo, what are you talking about?"

I escaped my mental musings to find Heero shrugging out of his Preventors jacket, his eyes still focused solely on me. "Ah, don't worry about it. I'll tell you in a second." Then I girded my loins and straightened my back and sucked in a sharp bit of air. I had to do this – I had to ask. I couldn't search behind his back anymore; it felt wrong. Sick, somehow. "Heero, why didn't you contact me?"

He blinked. "What?"

"You contacted Headquarters but didn't contact me? Why? Hell – and why didn't you tell us you'd contacted someone in Preventors to begin with? I don't understand. It's not like you. So why?"

"Duo?" Heero walked up to me rather slowly, simply dropping his coat on the back of the chair. "What are you talking about?"

I wanted to scream. "Duo, we got a file on Caribol's boss detailing his physical description, and it was weeks earlier than the end of our battle with the damn company. We know someone got in touch with Preventors and gave them the information..." I dwindled out right there, my eyes widening. Oh shit.

"Duo?"

"It... wasn't... you?" I staggered back a bit. "But then who?"

Heero shook his head. "From what you told me, I understand that there was information available that shouldn't have been?"

I nodded mutely.

"Duo, I didn't try to contact Headquarters. I've berated myself for that exact piece of negligence for a very long time."

"I believe you."

My response was automatic, words that fell out before I even thought about them. It seemed to stop Heero cold. "Duo?"

It was belatedly that I realized just how oddly vehement the words had been. "Uh, that is, it just didn't make sense that you wouldn't get in touch with us. But then how did the information get into Preventors' database? It leads to you, too – to your console. I don't think Une would have questioned you otherwise, and that's what I found, too."

Heero raked a hand through his hair and finally went back to hang up his coat, though I noticed that he didn't smooth it down like he usually did. "Une put you on the case?" he asked lightly. A sign of danger.

"Yeah. I can't do field work yet, and she knew I'd be interested in finding out. But... in the end, it just didn't feel right to go behind your back like that."

Heero took his time closing the closet door. "I see." Still that dangerous tone. I grabbed the end of my end and started fiddling with it, more to give me something to look at besides his face when he finally turned. "I think I understand where you're coming from..."

"Hey," I said defensively, "I was called into her office, and that's when she told me. It happened fucking yesterday, all right?"

"Oh." He blinked. "Okay."

And that was that. My mouth fell wide open as his entire demeanor changed; his tone, his stance, even his stare changed, all in that one instant. He smirked at my reaction and came to stand in front of me. He closed my jaw for me. "You were telling me about a mysterious gift? From an admirer?"

If his hand wasn't holding my jaw in place, it would have dropped again. Was that jealousy I heard in his voice? I had to move his hand to be able to speak. "Uh, not in a good way, Yuy."

And those eyes hardened again. "Then in what way?"

I let my braid fall from my hand. "Uh, in a stalker way?"

Heero's brows furrowed. "And what way is considered a stalker way?"

Either he was dense, or he was having the same problem I was having, trying to imagine some nutjob fucking around with an ex-Gundam pilot. Yeah. It was so ridiculous it just didn't even enter our minds. "The hiding outside the house and leaving an organ and a love note on the front porch kind of way."

Heero just stared at me, his eyes as wide as saucers. __"What?!"__

"Yeah – said organ is now in the trash outside-"

Heero was already through the living room and into the kitchen before I gave up on explanations.

He stormed straight through the house and out the door, and before I could catch up with him, the bag was in his hands. He looked a bit more horrified than was necessary. After all, we'd seen human organs before, and we'd pretty much become desensitized to it. Plus, the idea of me being stalked was absolutely fucking classic. But he was just standing there looking into the bag like hell's gates had opened up right there on the back porch.

"Uh, Heero?"

"This – when did you get this?" His eyes flashed up to mine, sparking like fire, and then right before my eyes they cooled and calmed and iced over until the Perfect Soldier was standing in front of me.

I sighed and touched his face, sweeping my fingers from his brow to his jaw. Those eyes flickered. "Heero, I agree that it's sad that the cat or whatever was killed, but are you fucking serious?" I smiled right at him, and life returned to those beautiful orbs. "It's a stalker targeting the pilot of the Deathscythe. Do you really think it'd be so easy for me to fall? I'm wounded."

"That's just it." And those eyes hardened again, though thank God he didn't go Soldier on me again. "You __are__ injured. You're still recovering. More... more, to do this..." His eyes scorched into mine. "You said there was also a love letter?"

"More like a note," I stipulated quickly, seeing the gleam in that cobalt gaze.

"Show me," he ordered.

So I just rolled my eyes and led him over to the kitchen counter, where I'd left the note to clean up the heart. Heero picked it up and read it and paled. "What... what the hell does this mean?"

"It means the stalker thinks he's Prince Charming." I shrugged widely and grinned, but Heero seemed to miss the humor.

"It says that you don't want to be with me."

"And if you believe that for even a second, I will fucking punch you." Heero's eyes turned a little hopeless... a little unsure. "Dammit, Yuy, knock it off. I love you, okay?" I blew my bangs out of my face. "Je-sus. I can't believe I have to remind you of-"

Heero kissed me fiercely on the lips. "I love you, too. I'll get this down to Une and-"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there, Gonzalez. That's not necessary. Are you kidding? Calling the cops is the most we need to do. Special Ops for this just seems kind've like overkill, considering he's fucking with a goddamn Gundam pilot."

It took Heero a while to let that one sink in, but when he did he half-glared at me. __"Two."__

"Huh?"

He leaned in and kissed me again, taking his time this round, even using the hand not holding the note to cup the back of my head and pull me into better contact with him. "Two Gundam pilots," he murmured against my lips, and my head just fucking spun. I grabbed his arms as his lips returned again, devouring mine. His scent consumed me.

"Let's call the cops," Heero said. He started to pull away.

"No. Fuck cops." I tugged him back, leaned up and kissed him. How come Heero was just that bit taller than me? Wasn't he of some sort of Asian descent? No fair. How'd he get to be so tall?

Heero laughed, but in the end he pushed me away. "No, love. Not now. Not yet. We need to take care of this first."

I growled. "Come __on__."

He pecked my lips. "No. When he finally make love, there will be no distractions."

I blushed fit to implode. "Dammit, Heero! That's not fair." I pulled away from him and tried to get myself back into some semblance of order. It wasn't really working. "Saying shit like that."

He just laughed at me.

I scowled at out kitchen wall, my back to him. "But, you know... as dangerous as this is for the normal person... it really isn't that dangerous to me – us."

"I'm not certain about that, Duo."

"Huh?" I said again, turning to him.

That slip of paper was in his hand. He held it up for me to see. "The person who wrote this – they were dead serious. And if they know about the problems you and I are having, it's only a short step toward understanding just who you are – and what you're capable of. They probably wouldn't take this action without planning things through to the best of their ability. The fact that they sent warning means that they're confident of their ability to get you, despite everything you can do. It may simply be nothing more than some crackpot off his rocker, but it could also be a much more serious threat. We should take this seriously."

"Yeah, yeah." I waved a hand and rolled my eyes. "Mr. Assumptions Lead To Mistakes."

"Exactly. Duo, I have to worry about this. I can't lose you." Ouch, the pinch of guilt once again biting my ass. "Not so soon after finally resolving things a bit. And of course, I should say thank you – thank you for telling me all of this."

If anything, my blush got worse. "Uh, yeah. Welcome."

Heero placed the paper on the table and brushed something off my shirt. "Let's call the cops."

Great. The cops. Right. "Fine. And when this all ends up being no big fucking deal, you'll owe me big time."

It was Heero who went over to the phone. After all, I sure as hell wasn't gonna make the call. "Duo, if this ends up being no big deal, I won't care if I owe you for the rest of our lives."

I huffed. "Overly dramatic twit."

He just laughed and punched in the call. "And that would be your fault."

* * *

* * *

Yeah, I'll skip right over the boring-ass cop visit. We were both sat down and interviewed and we both gave the same information in separate rooms about three times and they asked us stupid questions we couldn't hope to answer, shit like, 'do you know of anybody who would want you dead?' I fucking laughed at that one.

And then Heero and I both sat down in the living room with the dumb fucks and politely listened to their garbage about what to do to protect ourselves – apparently saying Heero's part of the Preventors doesn't mean we know how to protect ourselves, although they did share a pretty interesting little then-why-the-fuck'd-ya-call-us look, one that had me smirking at Heero for about a full fucking minute. And then another hour after that they decided to get the hell out of our house and  _ _I__  decided that Heero already fucking owed me and to hell with waiting for him to pay up.

"We're going out to dinner," I informed him, glaring at him and then the wall clock – past eight o'clock and hell I was going to cook at that hour.

Heero seemed to understand the look I passed him; he gave up and acquiesced to my order without argument.

So off we went to a restaurant. We ended up in a Texas Steakhouse, just about a ten minute drive from Heero's house, and then we were sitting and staring at each other rather awkwardly.

"We need to do this more often," Heero sighed, smiling sheepishly at me from across the table. It really was pathetic; I couldn't think of a time when he and I had just sat down somewhere and talked. Hung out with each other.

Wait... did that make this... our first date?

I balked at the very idea and shoved it out of my mind completely. It wasn't like Heero was taking it any more seriously than it should be taken. So we were out eating together. Whoopee. How long had he and I been living together? Going out on a date now seemed a little... backwards.

It was after our appetizer arrived that I realized that we might as well be going backwards, since after all said time, I had yet to screw him.

"Duo? Something wrong? Do you not like it?"

I chuckled nervously. "Uh, no. It's good." I took another bite to prove it and shoved the thought a little bit farther into the crevices of my brain.

* * *

"So." I thought about something to say as we walked back to the car. It was dark as pitch out, officially nighttime. Heero hadn't responded to the entire night as a date.

Why the fuck was I thinking of it as a date, anyway? It most definitely was __not__. We went out for dinner because we didn't feel like cooking and cleaning up. That sounded more like a married couple than anything even remotely resembling a date.

So... maybe that meant I __wanted__ it to be a date?

Ah, not cool. No no no. That would be dumb. I waited as Heero went around to his side of the car and unlocked the doors, then opened mine, intent on escaping.

My back tensed.

Those footsteps were back.

I turned toward the alleyway leading to the back of the restaurant.

"Duo?" I held up a hand for silence. The footsteps had stopped. They were definitely the same – same weight, same pace, same stride. It was the same guy. Or some extremely improbable walk-alike.

Heero closed his door and locked the car. His eyes were hard again. I sent him as much information as I could silently – danger, enemy. I pointed toward the alleyway, and his eyes searched through. Heero's cat eyes were definitely better than mine.

The footsteps began retreating.

We reacted as one, racing toward the small area, Heero automatically taking the lead. The footsteps suddenly stopped. Heero and I paused as one, listening. Only fools continued running blindly in the dark when an enemy they were chasing suddenly stopped running. Obviously the enemy thought they had a sudden advantage.

Without a thought to it, I snatched at the building to my left and climbed up the side. I immediately regretted it – my muscles sharply protested, and my fingers were instantly bloody. Heero turned in time to see me scuttling across the wall of the restaurant like a fucking spider, working fast because there was no way to stay silent while walking across this damn wall. My shoulders were more than happy to inform me of their unhappiness, even from the start.

Then I was pushing off and landing and I stood there kind of dumbly for a moment. There was absolutely no sound at all. Okay, not quite true – a car passed on the road, people inside the restaurant talked and dishes clanged and the phone inside rang. But from the alley, I heard nothing.

"Duo, get back here!"

There was a bit of panic in that voice, and that's what made me turn back to him. In the darkness, he was nothing but a faintly darker shadow amidst lighter ones. "Heero? What's wrong?" I wasn't stupid; I took the wall path back to him, let our quarry escape. When I got close enough, Heero grabbed me in his arms and simply pulled me away from the wall and the alley and back into the street. A man walking his dog stared wide-eyed from across the street.

"Heero, what-"

"Thank God." And he buried his face in my hair.

It was a little awkward, patting his back while being held, and I distinctly felt my blush reach epic proportions as he continued to stand there with me and calm himself. I tried to not put too much weight on his stomach.

It took a while, but finally his breath evened out and his hands stopped cutting off my circulation. When he stood his head straight, I cocked an eyebrow up at him. "So... minor breakdown over?" I asked him.

He blushed this time. "Yeah." And he set me on my feet.

I dusted off my clothes and tried to act like we hadn't just done something totally humiliating in the middle of public. "So do you wanna explain to me just what happened?"

Heero took a deep breath, then retraced his steps toward the alley. When he came back, he held a slip of paper.

Join me.

I hissed. "Dammit; it __was__ him."

Heero took a deep breath. "I was afraid..." He shook his head. "I shouldn't have been."

I considered teasing him for it for about half a millisecond. "Don't sweat it. We'll get him next time."

Heero didn't seem too excited by that prospect.

I just shook my head and clasped his shoulder. "Car? Home?" It was like he awakening from a momentary trance; he shot one last glare at the alleyway and turned to the car. When he unlocked the car, I leaned in, grabbed his face, turned it and kissed him fiercely. He had a hilarious deer-in-headlights look that made my feral grin widen even more. "Let the fucker figure it out."

I turned from his possessive stare and got inside, shut the door and clicked my seatbelt in place.

The tension in Heero's back and shoulders seemed to lessen the farther we got from the restaurant. I guessed we wouldn't be going out again. At least not without a SWAT team breathing down our necks. It __almost__ took my mind off the fact that Heero and I had unwittingly just gone on a date. Or whatever.

But not quite.

And worse, that fuck-all kiss had definitely been hot. Very hot. Agh – I needed my mind to switch to something else before it became impossible to hide my personal musings.

So I thought about my little stalker and exactly how stupid he had to be to leave me __another__ message, and this one under my nose __again__. Was he underestimating me, or was he just so extraordinarily deluded that he thought he could actually get away with this shit?

It was, to me, seriously fucking funny. But Heero seemed genuinely distressed about it. Should I talk to him about it? I cast a glance his way, but his eyes were focused so intently on the road I thought it'd be best to look out the window. The trees by the highway were a blur of gray and black. Heero looked __pissed__. Then again, if I saw notes left for __Heero__ , I might just go on a killing spree.

Seeing it from that perspective, I could kind of understand Heero's reaction. After all, we'd only just gotten back together after a truly disastrous mission. We needed a break. Time to cool down, learn more about each other... relax in the continued existence of one another. This was not conducive to relaxation.

Speaking of which... "Hey, Heero."

He grunted. Great. Mr. Monosyllable had returned.

I turned my gaze back to him, but his eyes never strayed from the road. "What do __you__ think about the leaked information?"

Finally he looked at me. "The what?"

I bit the inside of my lip to keep from smiling. "The information on Caribol's leader, Heero."

He still looked a bit disoriented. Probably tuning out from his delicate plans to lure out and kill my stalker. "We'll have to find out who it is."

Well thank you for that. "And I have to admit to Her Happiness that I clued you in."

He snorted. "Yeah. That, too." He reached out and sought my hand. I freely gave it over, and his fingers entwined within my own. "I'll go with you for that one."

"Why thank you, Mr. Bodyguard."

He grinned, even as his eyes watched the stoplight ahead. His foot pressed on the brake. "Your welcome, Mr. Popular."

I laughed even as he grimaced, already disliking the slip of the tongue. "Aw. Jealous?"

He snorted a quick laugh. "Hardly. You chose me, after all."

No fair. That was a quick shot straight to the gut, and I couldn't fucking kiss him when he was pressing the gas and getting the car forward. Fucking stoplight with its impeccable timing. "Damn straight I did," I said breezily. "Nothing says manly like being able to bend steel."

He laughed outright. "Smartass."

"Synonym for charm?"

He turned that big grin of his on me, and I was just fucking toast. No way I could hide my interest now. "Sure."

His tone was almost patronizing. I flipped him the bird with my free hand and hoisted my nose in the air. "Guess that means yes, then, huh?"

His grin only widened. "Sure."

I conceded defeat with a raspberry and stuck my tongue out at him. Before he could comment on my maturity, I leaned on his shoulder. "So what're we gonna do?"

He sighed. "First, you're going to lean up; what if I get into an accident?"

"Like you'd let anything happen," I said, closing my eyes.

He didn't say anything to that, but his fingers untangled from mine and encircled my shoulders. He sighed. "Then we'll clean up those hands of yours and check you for other injuries."

I looked at my bloody fingers and huffed my bangs out of my eyes. "Boring."

"Then don't climb walls," he admonished lightly. I saw him take the turn off the freeway into our neighborhood. "After that... I suppose we'll have to decide where to start searching."

"Well, I know where we __don't__ have to search," I told him, staring significantly up at him.

He humphed. "Thanks so much."

I just grinned unrepentantly and shrugged.

* * *

I stared over Heero's shoulder as he checked through his computer for the list of people who accessed the computers the day the transfer went through. It went through __Heero's__ computer, though, and as I'd already told him, it used his password.

"So someone hacked it." He scowled and changed the thing as I watched. I closed my eyes to give him his privacy. Besides – I probably could have hacked into it if I really wanted to. "Shit. That's going to make this difficult."

"I've already started piecing through it, trying to find a hack or something, but I have yet to find it. Doesn't mean it's not there, though."

"I didn't leave a paper trail of any kind."

"No shit?" I rolled my eyes. "We can memorize passwords a lot longer than the one you were using, Heero. Besides, you're superhuman. Why would a superhuman need paper?"

He shot me a half-glare over his shoulder. I grinned down at him. "So? You finding anything, Mr. Can Pretend To Be A Cyborg?"

Heero hissed at the poor joke. "No."

"No?" I gasped in shock. "Are your circuits twisted?" I leaned forward a bit more. "How about checking speed of entry? Catalog it to the average speed of familiarity..."

Heero did as I said, deftly ignoring my jibe. Thirty names popped up. "Hold on; let me come up with my list." I wrapped my arms around him and opened a new tab, punching into my e-mail and bringing up Une's last e-mail. I copied it and put it into Word Document, then sent off a reply to Une informing her of my defection.

"Coward," Heero murmured, and I laughed.

"Damn straight."

We compared the lists until my list in Word had only the names that were echoed in Heero's hacked list. "Well, we still have over ten people. You're fucking popular, Heero."

"Yeah? And __you__ have a new e-mail."

I grimaced. "Dun dun duhhn." I opened it and read, wincing. Well, Une was pissed. I'll spare details; suffice to say see ripped me a couple new ones and at the end demanded a full report. 'And it'd better be the best fucking report I've read in my life, Maxwell.' I wanted to hide under the bed.

"You're screwed, Duo." Heero's voice was laughing, but then one of his hands whipped back and snatched at my cheek. He half-turned in the seat and smiled up at me. "I'll take some of the heat."

"Nah. Don't want you getting flayed alive, too." I pursed my lips and sent her another reply. 'Aye aye, Scary Boss.' It was reaching one o'clock in the morning, but her reply was just as quick and just as sharp.

'You don't want to see how scary I can be, 02.'

I whistled. "Whoo, sca-ry." I grinned. "Save me, Heero!" My arms squeezed around his shoulders, hugged his collarbone. "Sweep me onto your white horse and rise me away from the evil dragon!"

He just laughed at me and turned back to the computer. His hands curled around mine. "I thought I was supposed to kill the dragon?"

I thought that over. "That would work, too."

"But I thought you didn't want me getting flayed alive?"

"Semantics," I muttered, and made him laugh again.

"Come on, let's go to bed for now. You apparently have a hell of a report to write up tomorrow."

I scowled. "Yeah, rub it in, Yuy."

He just backed out of the Preventors system and started shutting things down. I had no idea why watching those fingers blur over the keyboard made me horny. I closed my eyes, sucked in a breath, and told myself that if Heero didn't want to do it yet, then I could just fucking wait. And suffer.

Was it the kiss after the restaurant? No, I didn't think so, although it sure as hell hadn't helped. Actually, I thought it might have very well been all the camaraderie. I'd missed it so much over the past months that joking and laughing with him like this had been... I carefully let go of Heero and backed up a step. I had missed it. And now that it was coming to an end, I felt almost... scared. I didn't want to let go of him, to leave and go to my own bed and try to ignore just how hard I was.

Dammit, we'd had our first official – well, still unofficial, but whatever – out first official date of sorts, and that after a very long, very hard few months. Heero had held me, and since then we really hadn't let go of each other all that much. It was like we were finally starting to reconnect – or maybe even connect to begin with? And we'd been laughing and carrying on, even while doing something so very serious as trying to find a potential mole (or whatever the fuck the guy was).

And even though there was nothing altogether __sexual__ about any of that, it somehow made me need Heero so much it was physically painful. I wanted to thread my hands through his hair. I wanted to look into those eyes of his and see the same emotions I felt in those cobalt depths. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to be touched. I wanted to be gasping and sweating and reaching for something I'd only felt after a few dedicated minutes alone in a bathroom.

I shook my head to dislodge those very vivid images and managed a bright smile when Heero turned. "Thanks for the save there, Heero. Totally going to love writing that report."

His grin was far too close to that old smirk. It made my heart jump. Worse, it made another part of me jump, too. I mentally cursed. "Of course. Have fun."

I gave him a fake scowl and huffed out of s room. At the last minute, I turned my head to look at him. He was watching me very seriously, but he wasn't looking in my eyes, and there was no lust anywhere on his features. Instead those beautiful eyes lingered on my fingers, on the gauze that bound them tightly. They hadn't started bleeding again; he was just brooding.

"They're fine, Heero," I said quietly. My voice made his eyes snap back up to me. It was definitely disheartening – I was freaking burning to death, and he was worried about my physical health. Not exactly on the same page. " _ _I'm__ fine. Really. I've almost regained all my muscle tone, and my muscles only hurt when I do stupid shit."

"Like climbing a wall?" he asked. His voice was trying to sound wry, but all I heard was concern. Concern and fear.

"Yeah," I admitted. "Like climbing a wall. But I didn't tear anything. I'm a Gundam pilot, too, remember? I heal fast. Same as you – well, not as psychotically well as you, but still. Fact remains. I'm really okay."

He nodded, but he didn't seem convinced. "You should get to bed."

"Like I'm the only one recovering," I muttered, but I acquiesced and left the room.

Yeah. One hundred percent, totally and definitely disheartening. It took a very, very long time to get my sorry ass asleep. It did not surprise me in the slightest that I had dreams that made waking up even more painful than trying to sleep.

* * *

* * *

One extremely long, extremely cold shower later, I moved over to the table, towel tied firmly around my hips, and glared at my own personal computer. Write the best report she'd ever read. Pfft. She'd read probably every bloody report while working for Oz, then had probably taken over Preventors and done the exact same thing.

Well, I'd just have to shock her into admitting defeat.

I spent the rest of the morning clicking on the keyboard. Only when I was done did I celebrate with some food. I ripped a bite off my tuna fish sandwich and grinned with glee as I copied the report and sent it to Her Scariness.

I went back to the kitchen and pressed my forehead against the cool glass of one of the kitchen windows. Last night, I had woken up no less than five times, hard and sweaty and in __pain__. I'd been deathly afraid of getting up and taking care of the problem, too, because a certain someone was fine-tuned to my every movement. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd been up all night, too, listening to me toss and turn and wondering if I was in pain. Son of a bitch.

This was ridiculous. Heero and I had lived together in this house before the Caribol shit had reached its peak, forcing us to separate from one another. Sure I'd felt the desire to have sex with Heero before, but it had never gotten so extraordinarily out of control. I had not ever lost so much fucking sleep due to sex before in my life. It was a daunting thing to acknowledge.

And then I sighed and straightened and stalked to my room. Heero would kill me for standing out in the middle of the kitchen wearing nothing but a towel when some psycho stalker pissed around outside our house.

So I closed my doors and pulled the blinds down over the windows and dropped the towel. I'd managed to cool down in the long-ass shower, struggling to __not__ take care of the problem. Apparently somewhere in my mind I'd decided to become a martyr. I wanted to do it with Heero, and I wanted to wait until he gave the okay. Was that stupid? Yes. Was I going to break that decision? Fuck no.

I slipped on a pair of slacks in preparation for another difficult night, then tucked on a polo shirt. Wouldn't do to wear slacks and a t-shirt. Even when I was in the house alone.

I went back out to the kitchen and fixed myself a second sandwich, the first one having been inhaled somewhere during my musing spree, and chowed down on it. Whatever my personal musings on Heero and me and bedtime activities, I had my own shit I needed to take care of. I still needed to find our little Fail Prince in Preventors. I needed to do my exercises. More, I seriously needed to worry about my poor Wing waiting in port for me to return. Once I healed, shouldn't I return to the sky? I didn't want to just waste my precious Wing, but I couldn't exactly have it sitting lonely in the port for the rest of eternity.

Especially since it was damn expensive to do so.

I did my exercises first, carefully working my arms. Then after I finished, I re-wrapped the gauze around my fingers. They really weren't all that bad, just scraped and bruised and a little sore. I tested them out for a moment. It seemed I couldn't go a week without getting myself messed up somehow.

Then I returned to my computer and got my ass on the Preventors system again. It took only a few minutes to reacquaint myself with the remaining list of people and started from the man he'd worked with last. Apparently it was some old hat named Rick Costello. I looked him up in Preventors' files. He was a balding guy who'd been called in from Treize's old faction. His psych evaluation showed him to be a rigid rule-follower with what appeared to be a black-and-white view of the world. It was as good a place to start as any.

Heero and Rick had gone on a mission just before our unintentional reunion; the man had asked for Heero's back-up for an arms op while Wufei was out on a narcs case. They'd gone in, made the bust; there was no problem during the entirety of the thing. Heero was like that – any potential problem just died stillborn.

I searched through the database, loaded through the guy's encrypted files, and searched through his computer and Heero's computer. Neither had been on at the same time, but the man didn't log onto his computer after Heero's computer was used. Still, he hadn't left until an hour afterwards. I kept him open as a maybe and moved on.

It took me fucking __hours__ , but I narrowed it down to only three people. I looked at the list with wide eyes. Rick was there, and a guy named Alex Bolden.

And Zechs Marquise.

Of course I wanted to blame the little shit immediately. I hated him like I hated nobody else I had to fight during that damn war. Except maybe Tubarov. Hated him, too.

I drew a deep breath and leaned back. Figuring I should update Miss Creepy, I scuttled out of Preventors and checked into my e-mail. She'd already sent me a reply to my report. I grinned. She'd sent it back an hour after I'd sent it to her. Good grief. Had she been hanging onto the freaking computer or something?

I clicked it open and read her reply. And bust out laughing. "'Your vocabulary is as eloquent as always,' huh? Well, I guess that means she forgives me." I thanked her for the compliment and informed her of the three suspects left.

With that done, all I had to do was brood over what to do with my Wing. My poor little Demon's Wing. It had been so neglected lately, it was probably pissed with me. I sighed; I should definitely go check the poor thing out. If nothing else, she would need her oil changed. It was downright cruel to neglect one's baby, right?

Okay. Maybe I was a little insane.

I huffed my bangs out of my face and left Heero a quick note telling him I'd be back and to not freak out. Then I checked in with the port to let them know I'd be coming and to get an oil fill ready and left the house.

* * *

My poor baby looked so depressed and pathetic it made me sad. She was dusty from nearby liftoffs; she had poor oil, she hadn't been checked in forever, and worse: when I went inside, though the cockpit and the hull and everything else on the front end of my precious baby was one hundred percent unpainted.

"Oh, you poor thing." I touched the bare wall and winced for her. My Wing had been with me through hell itself, battling with me, staying with me, listening to me. And I'd repaid her by leaving her all alone.

"Sorry, baby." Ignoring how ridiculous it would look – after all, I was alone – I kissed her cool metal and backed away. "I'll take care of you now."

I spent the next four hours watching the workers as they changed her oil and helping them clean her spotless. Then I went out and bought some paint for her and a couple rollers and, giving in to the inevitable, the crimson paint and brushes for my damn poems that I would write and would be pissed doing with old paint and tucked it all into the back of the car. I would like to note, right now, that I had always had a damn car. Hidden in Preventors' garage. In the back. The far back.

Returning to my Demon's Wing had me slowing my car down and rolling down my windows. Cops were patrolling the area. My eyebrows lifted as one of them came toward me.

"Duo Maxwell?" The dude didn't even give me a chance to respond before he flashed me his badge. "I'm Sergeant Daniel Weller; I've been told to inform you that, and I quote, 'bending steel doesn't mean shit if I can't reach it in time.' Come with me, please."

I didn't move, despite the fact that only fucking Yuy would come up with that shit. "What for?"

The man seemed like he'd already taken more than his share of impertinence for the day and wasn't about to regenerate some patience any time soon. "Sir, you've been on the missing person's list for about two hours."

The fuck?

I gave a long-winded sigh and rolled my eyes. "Where is he?"

The man hesitated. "I believe he is looking over your ship. We received news that you were here just a small while ago."

"Yeah, go figure," I muttered darkly. "Thanks, Weller. I'll take care of this." I didn't give him time to answer, just stepped on the gas enough to charge past him. Jesus Christ. I'd left a fucking note. Just what the fuck did Heero think he was doing?

Sure enough, Heero's car was sadly and pathetically sitting outside my goddamn ship and hell if, after slamming my door and stomping up the lift, he wasn't looking at a surviving poem in the kitchen with sad eyes.

"Yuy, just what the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Heero turned to me. He wasn't surprised – he couldn't possibly be, what with my footsteps pounding through the silent hull. He wasn't thrilled, either – go figure there. In fact, when Heero turned to look at me, those sad eyes morphed into absolutely livid.

"Me?" Heero's voice was ice-cold. Danger tone. "What about you? You disappeared."

"Disappeared? I came here! I fucking told you-"

"You didn't tell me anything." It was unbalancing to see Heero like this, so furious I could see death in his eyes. Somehow I hadn't imagined being looked at like that __again__ , again with those eyes that looked far too much like Cyborg-Heero. I shivered. "You didn't say a word to me. When I got back home, the house was empty. You weren't anywhere."

"Of course not," I spat, hackles raising. His eyes were turning deader and deader and I couldn't stand it. Worse... worse, his attitude was hitting __my__ last nerve, too. "I don't have to stay in the house twenty-four seven, Heero Yuy. I'm free to come and go as I please."

"With injuries like those?" he demanded, icily glaring at my hands. I'd taken off the bandages in defeat mid-way through cleaning Wing, and my fingers, with their cuts and scrapes, were laid bare for him to see.

"Yeah. It's almost like I've had worse."

"This could have waited," he gritted out.

"Well I wanted to do it now. That sure as fuck isn't a crime, now is it, Mr. Preventor?" I shot back.

Heero got in my space, his eyes looking down on me with contempt. I held my ground more out of defiance than any sort of confidence. If Heero and I got into a fight right now, I had absolutely no doubt that he would win, recovering abdomen or not. "You had no right to leave-"

"I don't need your permission, Papa Yuy!"

"The hell you don't! Leaving the house, leaving no notice, when you're still recovering from a fucking suicide attempt!"

I'd opened my mouth to respond to the middle part of his little statement when my mind just fucking blanked. Suicide attempt. Of course. Of course his mind would go there. He'd lost sight of me. Lost track of me. Who's to say I wouldn't throw myself halfway across the world and jump into a hotel bed and toss it back one more time?

Ouch.

That one hurt.

I managed to get my mouth closed. "I told you I'd never try that again."

"Then you shouldn't have left without letting me know somehow. What else am I supposed to think?"

"Uh, I don't know. How about I went grocery shopping?" At Heero's mutinous face, I relented. "Heero," I said soothingly, "I __did__ leave a note. Right on the kitchen table. Clear view."

"No. There was nothing."

I took a deep, calming breath. Reason always worked on Heero before; it should work now. "Heero, I wouldn't have left the house without leaving a note. I wouldn't worry you like that. It said I was leaving for a bit. It said not to freak out. Okay?"

I was interrupted by a knock behind me. It was Weller. "Excuse me; what are we supposed to do?"

I turned to him. "Leave. And write a really rude report about this guy here." I pointed to Heero behind me. "Make sure to note the abuse of power."

"Duo," Heero growled.

"I really am sorry about all this," I told the man. "It was a huge waste of manpower. Heero will be writing an appropriate apology to your department soon."

The man looked a little scared. Probably because of Heero's glare. "Um, right. We'll be going, then."

"Thanks for everything, man!" I called, and waved him off. When I turned back to Heero, he looked confused. Angry, of course, but confused. And what might have been a little hopeful.

"Did you...really leave a note?"

His eyes were melting again, thank God. I couldn't stand that ice-cold glare anymore. It was rather odd to learn this about myself, since I was usually the one perfectly immune to such a look. Sure couldn't take it anymore. It made the memories return. But hell if I was telling the man that. "Yes, Yuy. I really did."

He shook his head. "There wasn't one. I'd searched everywhere I could think of. I'd checked the kitchen several times. I hadn't ever found a note. Anywhere."

I frowned. "Did it fall off?"

"There was nothing on the floor, either."

I believed him. Heero wasn't the type to do something half-heartedly. "Then what the hell?" But I dropped the subject altogether and raised my hand to his face. "Are we okay?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I think my heart is still not beating."

I tried to imagine it; tried to imagine expecting Heero to be at the house and not finding him anywhere. It was hard, because I didn't have much of an assumption to have him around constantly. But for a very short second I could see it, and it scared me. I think I sighed, too. "I think I understand. But..." I wish I could take his fears and destroy them. I wasn't going to try again. I'd learned my lesson. But fears never listened to reason.

"I know." His hand lifted to rest on top of mine. "I overreacted. I just... it just made me think of..." Of the search. Of what they'd found.

"I know."

His eyes fluttered closed for a moment. "It was him."

His words were so off-track from where my mind sat that it took almost a full minute for me to catch up. "You think my stalker did it?"

"Took the note."

"Why? He could've just followed me."

"You can't tell me you wouldn't catch someone following you."

...Point. "So he took the note and followed me after waiting a while."

"That's what I think." Heero's fingers started to tremble a bit. "Which means-"

"He's been watching me this whole time." I frowned. "But I hadn't felt anything. I haven't felt anything __yet__. That's not normal." It scared me, actually. Had I become too used to having civilians around me?

"Same."

I blinked. Well, it wasn't me, then. "Something's up with this guy. He's not a normal psycho stalker, after all."

Heero didn't seem very happy with this little conclusion. "Duo, I have to apologize. How I acted..."

I huffed my bangs from my face and rubbed my neck. "Yeah, you definitely owe me. I want a fudge sundae. Pay up."

He grinned despite the chagrin in his eyes. "What are you, ten?"

I scrunched up my face. "When I was ten, I was running down streets with a slice of bread. And I was only about a year or so from meeting my dear professor. Or had I met him by age ten? I'm kinda in the dark on the exact age. Besides, that's not the point. I want a sundae. You owe me. You are buying me a fudge sundae. Got it?"

"Got it, got it. You'd think you were pregnant."

"Oh, ha ha. Male Pregnancy joke. Will the hilarity never cease?" It turned from him and started to lead him back out of my Wing.

Heero grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. "First, I wanna have my own dessert first."

"Isn't that a cliché?" I asked, but he just shut me up with a long, hard kiss.

It was hot. Hot and long and erotic. And it got me hard in no time. All that work I'd spent getting myself calm was moot. His hands snagged in my braid, pulled my head back. I didn't even have the strength to  _ _think__  stop before suddenly I was drowning in need.

When he broke it off and grinned and pulled me to the car, it was almost impossible to let the light mood take me over. Definitely impossible to get the entirety of my body to go along with the facade. I was infinitely glad I'd worn the slacks.

And when we reached the ice cream parlor, I was even gladder to taste the ice-cold ice cream on my tongue, strong enough to chase away Heero's taste. A taste that echoed itself in my dreams again that night.

* * *

* * *

Heero and I hadn't gotten to working on figuring out who the mystery info-sender was, but we had a legitimate excuse: we were emotionally exhausted. More, I didn't want to deal with watching Heero working on his computer again the bare night after realizing that he looked sexy while doing it. Not a good idea. Especially not in the state I'd already been in.

Which was entirely Heero's fucking fault.

Who could possibly concentrate after being kissed like that? It wasn't fair. The kiss had been hard, demanding, almost fucking desperate. I'd been lost as soon as our lips met.

Not shockingly, I had a cold shower again. It was becoming a fucking habit.

I checked my e-mail and found two separate letters from Une waiting for me. The first thanked me for the update. The second one cussed me out.

'If you're going to be so stupid as to buff and prime your fucking ship, which is being paid to stock in dock by my company's money, the least you can do is leave my goddamn subordinate a note. You are in the middle of an investigation. Why don't you finish that before you give me any more fucking trouble?'

I bit my lip.

'Language,' I wrote. Then, 'and I did leave a note. Your subordinate needs a psych eval.'

I sent it and wondered if she'd relay the joke to Heero. Probably not. Lord forbid someone find out she had a sense of humor.

I considered returning to my Wing just for fuck's sake more than the need to paint, but I let the idea drop and exited my e-mail. She had one small thing right; I was in the middle of an investigation. Telling Heero what I was doing didn't mean he was suddenly a part of said investigation.

More importantly, if I finished this before Heero returned, then I wouldn't have to watch him typing anymore. Thank God.

With that beautiful incentive, I hacked my way back into Une's system and started searching through, trying to finish what Heero and I had started the day before yesterday.

With only three left, it didn't take nearly as long as it would have if we'd done it from the beginning. I sat back and stared at the screen for a few moments. The pattern wasn't perfect. Matching a person typing something familiar with something unfamiliar could never be perfect. Hell, even when typing in the same thing day after day, a person will type the same thing slightly differently every single time, and there was no guarantee that they wouldn't mess up even the simplest of words.

Of course, one had to remember that hacking into Heero's password, figuring out what it was, required an extreme amount of skill. Hell, if Heero hadn't gotten in touch with anyone in the department, it took an extremely intelligent person to figure out the information __to__ send in.

Taking all of that into account, it really only made sense that the information had been sent in by Zechs Merquise.

I took a deep breath. I had a huge prejudice against the guy. He'd shown up constantly, always in our way. And when he __did__ show up, it was always for some frivolous battle against Heero. A battle that never had a point. He fought Heero not because they were enemies but because he wanted to see who was stronger. Such a child-like reason to want to kill.

Worse, so much worse, was the fact that I __loved__ Heero Yuy. Even back during the war, I was fucking hot for him. Which meant that I despised Zechs with a fervor that bordered on ridiculous. I'd specifically ordered Une that my working with her meant not ever having to acknowledge Zechs' existence on her payroll.

That, of course, was not to say that I was against the very large amount of men on her payroll that had also worked under Oz, that had fought against us during the war. The war was over. I had no more reason to want them dead.

Oh, but Zechs... oh, yes. I definitely wanted him dead.

I had to leave the computer. I paced the room for a minute, raked my hand through my hair in a habit one hundred percent stolen from Heero. I could never be definitely certain that it was him. And Lord knew the weasel knew how to squeeze out of tight spots. Still, everything pointed to him. The key matching didn't add up for the Rick guy whatsoever, and Costello was a great fighter, but checking out his skills, he didn't seem the type to figure out Heero's password. Or even how to fully work Word Document. He probably had to save by going up to the File folder. Yeah. Probably not him.

I sat back down and stared long and hard at that screen. Une was not going to be pleased.

Okay. I typed in my final report, making sure she understood that it was all more speculation than hard evidence, and sent it out. I didn't wait for a report, just shut myself out of the Preventors' system. While I was at it, I sent a second message informing the woman of a weakness in her program. Finally, finally done, I turned off my computer and pushed away from it once again.

Zechs Merquise. Even though I hated the rat bastard, I had to admit that it didn't seem right. The guy was a prick, but he fucking worked for Une. Why would he toss that?

Zechs. Zechs! Of all people! I had a fucking grudge against him! There was no way I could be put on the case, even if I was in perfect health. I was definitely biased. I wouldn't be able to think straight. Hell. I already couldn't.

If he'd known... if he'd fucking known what was going on with Caribol, with Heero, with __everything__ , why the fuck did he just send it a hidden folder and let the entire thing go? Did he know Heero was underground? Or did he think Heero had been defeated? If he'd thought the latter, did he figure that Heero's defeat made the man not worth any real effort?

Just thinking about the guy made me absolutely furious. I was ready to rip out my hair. Or his. Fucking pretty boy.

I stopped between the living room and kitchen and leaned heavily against the wall. Zechs Merquise. What if he'd known? He could have told me. He could have told __Une__. If he had, maybe I wouldn't have...

I squeezed my eyes shut. No. I wanted to put the blame on him, to say it was Zechs' fault that I shot the man I loved. That I had intended to kill him. But in reality, it was my blame to carry.

Hell. Heero would dislike me thinking like this.

I sank to the floor, right there where I stood. But it __was__ my fault. The information, even if we'd seen it before making that final bust, it wouldn't have changed anything. I still would have gone up to that roof. I still would have fought Heero. And in the end, when that opening arrived, I still would have jumped right in.

I'd had such a righteous fury. Such a gung-ho belief that what I'd been doing was right. Just like in the war – all the killing, the death, the carnage. I'd foolishly believed that I was saving children from becoming orphans. Stopping more kids from fighting and running on the streets, stealing, putting their lives on the line simply for a scrap of food. I'd truly believed that I was helping people.

"How many more lives," I moaned, "am I going to have to destroy before I learn?"

"I'll take care of you," a voice murmured, and I jumped up. It was not Heero.

As I turned, I saw a body run behind me. I ducked to the ground, twisted, pushed away, all in one short movement. The man didn't come after me, however; I caught a glimpse of a blue shirt before the man hopped out of Heero's kitchen window, shattering the thing into million pieces. The man was gone.

My heart beat twice its speed. The man had somehow gotten into the house – or had he been here the whole time? - and snuck up right behind me without my knowing. If the man had wanted to do something to me, he probably could have done it.

Shit. Shit.

My hand trembled when it pushed my bangs back, and my eyes caught on a little slip of paper and a balm holding it down.

For your hands.

The man had come in to leave a note and balm for my hands. I felt panic in my blood for the first time since the roof. "Shit."

This guy most definitely was not normal. I was in serious danger.

I struggled to get my mind under control again. My mind shifted and whirred with the effort. Phone. I needed to get to a phone. I had no fucking clue why the man had decided to talk to me, to come up behind me just to run away, but I couldn't take the time to worry about that yet. Not yet.

It was ridiculous how hyped on adrenaline I was. I was ready to rip apart Heero's table just to take one of its legs. Quick weapon. I changed the plan a little, backtracked and grabbed a lamp.

Lampshade gone and post in hand, I re-entered the kitchen and snatched up the phone. It didn't take long to get in touch with Une.

"Strike. I got your e-mail."

"Get me Heero. Please," I added.

The tenseness in my voice must have tipped her off, because she did exactly as I said without question or complaint. I scanned my eyes around the house and wished I had someone at my back. He'd gotten in, completely under my senses, under my radar. Even if I was ready for him now, the very fact that I needed to be on hyper-alert made me afraid.

"Duo?"

Heero was already panicked. I didn't know if it was because Une had said something extra to him or if it was because I wasn't quite in the habit of calling him at work.

"Yeah, uh, Heero? Your window's broken."

"What?" I heard a chair scooting across tile. "What happened? I'm coming back."

I didn't argue, and I think that more than anything got Heero moving.

"Yuy? What's happened?"

"I don't know. I'm going to the house. Stay here."

"Fuck no. I'm coming with you."

"You're recovering."

"So are you, asshole."

I listened to the repartee, all the while humming with tension and stress. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Could you just hurry? I'm a little tense here."

"Tell me what happened," Heero ordered.

"Can't. I need to focus."

Now the tension was coming to __me__ from __Heero's__ side of the line. "Duo. Basics?"

"You were right, and I'll never question you again. He was quiet, Heero. He was fucking __behind__ me, right behind me, and I didn't even feel it."

I heard absolutely nothing from Heero's side. Then, finally, "we'll be there in five. Maybe less."

Speeding. Possible accident. I didn't argue. "Just hurry."

"Wufei, get Une. Notify her that we have a perp outside my house."

"Again?" Wufei groused, but I knew he'd already be pulling out his phone.

"Duo, I need you to stay on the line."

"I'm going to speaker."

"Understood. Wufei, speaker."

"Gotcha. Une, there's a perp outside Yuy's house. We're backing Strike up. Out. She's going to kill me for that."

"Yeah. Go ahead, Duo."

I punched the phone onto speaker and set it aside. A part of me was trying to think like him. A guy who went after an ex-Gundam pilot, one who wrote psycho-dude love letters and broke into a house to leave some balm and inform said ex-Gundam pilot that he would 'take care' of him. I breathed deeply. My best guess? He wanted to see me. He wanted to get close to me, to let me __know__ he was close.

But did that mean he was gone for the day?

It was quiet outside, the birds twittering only from a fair distance. A car passed on the road, and then silence returned, broken only by the wind. I strained my ears, but I couldn't hear anything.

Then again, I hadn't heard anything when he'd arrived, either. I was in serious shit.

My eyes scanned everywhere, behind me, in front. I was concerned about leaving my post; I had nothing but a lamp post. Going up against a potentially armed enemy with nothing but a lamp post was bad enough, but this man was dangerous. I needed as even a ground as possible.

What did he want with me? What was he after? Why the fuck would he come in and then just __leave__? It made no sense. He's said he was coming to __save me__. Didn't that mean taking me away somewhere? Or... did he mean something more ominous?

Heero.

"Hey, you out there?" I called. Was he there? Was he listening? My guess said yes. If that was the case, then he was staying somewhere close enough to hear me, or at least somewhere where he could read my lips.

"If you're out there," I continued, "listen to me. I've seen enough killing, okay? I don't want any deaths. Not for me, not for anybody. Okay? Got it? No deaths." I wondered belatedly just what Heero and Wufei were making of this.

I didn't get a response, but I really wasn't expecting one. A random part of me wanted to say, 'except Merquise! Do what you want with him!' But I just might regret that after I saw the guy's rotting corpse. Maybe. I kept my mouth shut.

This was dangerous.

Then I heard a car pull up and felt a bastard mix of elation and terror. I turned to him, allowed my back to the kitchen window so that I could watch for Heero. No one went near the car. I watched as they both got out and closed their doors and proceeded to check out the area.

I didn't calm down until Heero finally said, "all clear," his voice crackling like thunder through the silent room, and I sagged down onto the couch. Heero and Wufei were there in less than another minute.

"Duo," Heero gasped, pacing toward me and holstering his weapon. He knelt in front of me and pulled me into his arms. "Thank God. You're okay."

"Yeah." The lamp post dropped from my fingers. When my arms wrapped around Heero, they clutched him tight around his shoulder blades. "Thanks for coming."

Wufei cleared his throat and looked around the room. "Looks like your house is going to need even more renovating."

"Shut up, Wufei," Heero growled, not bothering to move. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Wufei piped up before I could speak.

It shocked a little laugh out of me. "Yeah. Just... freaked."

"You said he got behind you?" Wufei asked. "Without you noticing? How close?"

"Uh, I felt his breath on my neck?"

Heero shuddered.

"How could that be?" Wufei came to stand behind Heero, and with that Heero gave a hard sigh and released me from his hold, keeping one hand around me as he sat next to me on the couch. As he sat, he pulled his gun out with a quick motion, leaving it sitting idly on his lap. "We're Gundam pilots, supposed to be the best in the world. We took out Caliban's horde of cyborgs. Who the hell else is there to beat us?"

I shook my head. "You're asking the wrong person. He jumped out the window before I could get a good look at him. He was wearing a blue shirt. That's all I got for you, officers."

Wufei rolled his eyes, but Heero pointedly looked at my hand. Now that the immediate crisis was over, reaction was setting in, and my hand was shaking pretty badly. Wufei caught the look and cleared his throat. "Plan?"

Well, I sure as hell hadn't made one. "Nothing from my end," I sighed. "God, I think I'm getting old or something. My back hurts."

Heero shot me a concerned glance, and I realized that my back hurt so bad because I'd stressed the recovering muscles.

"Oops." I sent him a smile. "My bad?"

"Permanent damage?" he asked.

"No, I don't think so." I rolled a shoulder, testing. "No. Just sore."

"We should see the doctor," Heero started, but Wufei snorted.

"No, Yuy, we should not." But before Wufei could continue, his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and winced.

"Ran out of time?" Heero smirked.

"This is __your__ fault, Yuy."

Heero just grinned.

"Commander."

I could hear Une's voice loud and clear over the line; Wufei had to pull the thing away from his ear. "I've waited an hour. Now, do you want to tell me just what the hell is going on over there? Why can't you boys go a week without getting in some sort of trouble?"

"We don't ask for it," I called.

"Maxwell!" Wufei just sighed and put the thing on speaker, officially giving up. Heero took the chance to grab the phone I'd left on the nightstand and ended the call. "What the hell is going on out there? I was in the middle of reading your final report and-"

"Wait, what?" Heero broke her off and stared at me. "It's finished?"

I looked away, back to the phone in Wufei's hand. "Yeah, I kinda didn't want it to go public. I wasn't exactly taking it seriously."

She growled; I could fucking hear it. "Didn't take __what__ seriously?"

I took a deep breath. "Well..."

* * *

* * *

Une was interestingly silent over the phone.

Heero looked about ready to burst, too. Apparently he wanted to know just what the hell my final report said. I was definitely going to put that off for a while.

"So," she said finally, "you mean to tell me that you have a stalker?"

"Yeah. I thought that was kind of ridiculous, too."

"And yet," she continued, almost as if she hadn't heard me but for the fact that I heard the distinct sound of her biting her cheek, "he came up behind you without you gaining awareness of his proximity."

"Yeah, fancily put, that's pretty much it." I felt a bit better now that time had passed. Maybe it was giving her my report, keeping it as smartass as the report I'd sent through e-mail to her. Or maybe it was Heero's and Wufei's looks, their flabbergasted expressions as I cursed and bitched my way through the conventional methods of reporting. It had been classic to watch.

"No wonder she wants to kill you," Heero whispered into my ear, and I grinned a mega-watt smile his way.

"Will you save me?" I whispered back.

"I don't know. I might just leave you to your just desserts."

"Thanks so much," I muttered.

"Duo Maxwell, I __know__ you are taking this seriously right now."

Ooh. Scary. "Uh, yeah. I'd just been put in one of the most vulnerable positions in my life."

She huffed out a breath. "All right. We need to get you out of there."

"We can't just keep running," I told her. "We ran last time, and that didn't do us dick." No. In the end, that had almost ruined everything.

"And if you'd listen to me," she gritted out, "I would say that we need to get you out of the house, away from such an easy target. And I don't feel like having that place wholly redecorated again. You and Yuy and Chang will be sent out, and word will be sent to Winner and Barton."

I groaned. Great. And Trowa had just decided to __not__ hate my fucking guts. Back to square one with him, then.

"I'll talk to him," Heero promised, and I just rolled my eyes and let it drop.

"And where are we supposed to go?" I demanded. "Any place can be an easy target if you're good enough, and he is."

I could hear a faint tapping from over the speakers and imagined her bouncing her pen on her desk. "From what you say, he has no interest in hurting you."

"Uh, yeah. Yet. He seems like that 'believe-he's-in-love-with-me' type of psycho." I glanced at Heero then. "But I'm not positive about anyone else."

"Yes, I feel the same in that regard. That's why you need to go somewhere where he won't be able to harm just one of you. It will keep you away from him and will keep Yuy and Chang safe. Meanwhile, we'll be studying those notes you received. You have them all, I presume?"

"Of course." My mind raced. A place where he couldn't get just one?

"Space," Heero said with a nod. "Duo – your ship. Demon's Wing, right? It's ready to fly at anytime, correct?"

"Yes. Even better, apparently it just got an overhaul yesterday." Une's voice was noticeably sardonic. "We'll have you three back once we've gained an idea as to who's after you, Maxwell, since I know very well you three can't stand to not be in the middle of things."

"Thanks much, Commander Crazy Lady," I drawled.

"I'll also look into your report, Maxwell."

"Yeah." I cut a glance toward Heero. "Thanks for that."

Heero scowled at me. "And what did the report say?" His eyes turned to Wufei's phone.

Wufei huffed out a breath and clunked his phone down on the coffee table before taking a seat in the chair. I sent him a repentant grin.

"Maxwell informed you of the search, he can inform you of the results," Une said, her voice rather prim. I wasn't sure if I wanted to thank her or curse at her. "I would suggest you leave as soon as possible. Get out of there, preferably before we have more of Yuy's house to repair."

"Aye, aye." Wufei and Heero said their good-byes to her, as well. As soon as we were off the phone, Heero and I were up and packing. Wufei helped us, going to the bathroom and grabbing our toiletries – shampoo, shaving cream, toothpaste.

"Sorry about this," I called to him, but his reply was just "shut up, Maxwell." I figured he didn't have too much of a problem with it.

Once done at our place, we headed over to Wufei's and grabbed __his__ toiletries while he packed a quick bag. Then we were racing to my Wing.

"Do you think he'll have messed with Maxwell's ship?" Wufei asked, turning more to Heero than to me. I perversely answered his question.

"If he wants to get me on his good side – if he believes he loves me – he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Which means leaving Demon's Wing in one piece."

Wufei didn't immediately respond to that one.

"Duo. Can you give us a more by-blow account of what happened in the house? And __what__ the final report said?"

It was with a wary glance toward Heero that I began. "Well, I had just finished the report..." I hissed and thought back. "I don't think I ever said who it was out loud, but... just to double-check..." I pulled out Heero's cell phone and rang in Une.

"Why are you still here?" Une demanded as soon as she answered.

"Uh, because we didn't want bad breath?" I answered. All in all, it had only been twenty minutes, and that because of the drive. We were already less than five minutes from the port, too.

"Fine. What is it you want?"

"You might want to inform __him__ , too. I don't believe I ever said his name, but the freak might have been watching over my damn shoulder for all I know."

Une was silent. "I don't believe I fully understood the implications, even though I knew it was catastrophic. You're right; I'll contact Preventor Wind immediately."

Preventor Wind, huh? Guess he wasn't on __her__ list of favorites, either. I sneered. "Or you could just leave him," I mused.

"Thank you, Strike," she noted dryly. "I'll inform him of your opinion, as well."

"Go ahead," I said cheerfully. Heero's eyes were wide; Wufei gripped the wheel tightly. I, sitting in the back of the car, my arms draped over both the back seats, just grinned widely. "Gotta go, Lady Commando."

"Get out of here, Strike," she ordered and hung up.

"Merquise?" Wufei gasped, sending a look to me through the rearview mirror. "Are you serious?"

"It's only a theory," I told him. "The other two didn't fit. But there's no hard evidence, and we don't even know that he did something particularly wrong." Didn't mean I didn't want to punch him, though. But I didn't really need this new predicament to want to hurt the bastard.

"Merquise," Heero murmured, and I could tell he was thinking it over. He wordlessly accepted the phone back from me, and I scanned around for a sign of a car I'd noticed before. There were three, but they didn't seem to give a damn about us. I kept my eyes on them, anyway. "He __is__ easily able to work computers."

"But why?" Wufei demanded, and they were off on their Preventor tangent, talking about stuff in the past I couldn't possibly reference, and I just kept scanning and left them to it. My opinion wasn't exactly unbiased. Personally, I just wanted an excuse to kick his ass.

It was half-way through some discussion of a mission on some odd murder case involving hairnets that I realized that there were only two bedrooms in my ship. And I wasn't being a prick anymore. And Heero and I were... involved?

Which meant the sensible solution was to have the two of us share a room.

I almost forgot which cars I was watching in the ensuing panic attack. I glanced at them, memorizing their features once more, and then let the worry overwhelm me momentarily.

You know, somehow I just hadn't even thought about it. I knew there were two rooms in my ship. I knew there were three of us. But my brain apparently hadn't made the next leap, that two people would be sharing a room. But now it was right fucking there, right in front of my face, and I couldn't believe my mind hadn't wrapped itself around this very simple idea.

I was dead.

Heero had been very plain about this – not when there were other problems to deal with. We would have sex only when there was nothing else on our minds, no big worries to deal with. And being out on my ship in order to evade some insanely strong stalker definitely qualified as a problem we needed to deal with. It also qualified as a worry.

Which meant no sex.

I was so absolutely dead.

Heero and I would be on-board the ship with Wufei in his own private room, thick walls separating us, and I would be trapped in the exact same bed with Heero, unable to fully avoid his presence, for an unknowable length of time. I was about to enter hell.

"We're here," Wufei announced, and I cursed myself for my lack of diligence.

"No one followed us here," Heero murmured, but he didn't have to say the rest – that my stalker had had plenty of time to arrive here while we were packing up. We stopped by my ship and pulled our things out of the car. Heero and Wufei took everything inside to secure my ship while I made certain the port around my ship was good and empty. Heero had initially balked at that, but I was better than either of them at running, and he had let it go when I promised not to fight alone.

It seemed our minor squabble had been unnecessary. There was no one in the port.

I traced my way back to my ship. As soon as I was inside, Wufei told me the coast was clear, and I sent the both of them to sit in the cockpit. And I double-checked the place for myself.

When I went into the cockpit appeased, they were buckled down and waiting. Heero was sitting in the co-pilot's seat.

His face had an almost belligerent expression on it, daring me to say a word. I struggled for quite a while, trying to __not__ argue with him about it. I lost.

"Up."

He was actually surprised by my reaction, but he crossed his arms and legs and got as comfortable as physically possible. "No."

Oh. Fucking A. "Heero, __up__."

"I told you I would accept your curse," Heero said, rather reflectively, I think. "So why should I?"

I took a deep breath. Part of it, of course, was male pride – the principle of the thing, I believe some might say. But I remembered very distinctly my first, my most primal reason. Because standing next to me was a death wish.

Of course, being my... partner? Boyfriend? Fuck it. Being with me in some sort of relationship was pretty much a lot worse than that. Right?

I was stiff as a board when I finally sat in my seat. "Fine. But if you die, I'll never forgive you."

I booted up Wing and double-checked her. I was wholly unsurprised to find that Une had already plotted my course out of the port, headed to a classified destination and knew without doubt that if someone looked into that classified folder, they'd find a whole lot of nothing.

"Duo." Heero's voice was very quiet. Somber. I turned to look at him, surprised. The groans of the launcher could be heard making its way toward my Wing.

"What is it, Heero?"

It was __not fair__ to be that close to those cobalt eyes and know without a doubt that I wouldn't get to see what they looked like during sex. It brought a flash memory of pain back to my gut, and I suddenly remembered the last time I'd been on-board my ship with him – thinking we wouldn't ever be together. Thinking that having him near was hell. Back when I'd believed he and Wufei were more than just a team. More than just partners at work.

"I'm not going to die in this seat."

It was so off-base a statement from what I was thinking that it took me a moment to understand just where Heero was coming from. I turned away from him then, not knowing whether to roll my eyes or scream. The launcher latched to my ship.

"Stop being so dramatic," I told him finally, punching the okay for launch. And thinking that he had put an interesting descriptor in there – __in this seat__. "Get ready for launch."

We all leaned our heads back.

"Then what?" he asked. "Why won't you let me sit here?"

I gritted my teeth; Wing jumped slightly as the launcher started the compression sequence. "You're there, aren't you?"

Wufei huffed, but I couldn't be sure if it was out of humor or frustration. The whir got too loud to continue conversation, and I ran my fingers over the controls, keeping my Wing straight and on-course while she jerked and bucked, and finally we were launched up into the sky.

Fifteen minutes later, we were successfully on a path to L3 – I had no idea why I'd decided to go there, maybe perverse pleasure, or maybe masochism, since the only person I knew from there wasn't particularly thrilled with my existence – and I was able to turn on my music.

Of course, Heero, in his fucking co-pilot's seat, turned it right back off. "Duo. Why don't you like me sitting here?"

"I'll go get some food," Wufei said, and quickly escaped.

I glared at his back, but he didn't look around. Smart.

"Duo. I'm not letting you run away from this one." He unbuckled himself, almost as if to prove the point that he was ready to stop me if I made a run for it. Like I could escape my fucking ship.

I stared at my vidscreen and cleared my throat. Shit. It was like I was hard-wired. And Heero didn't have to try to make me hard. Not with a predatory look like that on his face. "Uh. I already told you."

"Duo." Frustrated now. I very carefully didn't look back to him. "You told me that people had died around you, yes. And that you expected those around you to die. But I'd told you I'd break that curse of yours, so why? After all this time, do you still not trust me? I can understand, I suppose, what with my-"

Agh, below the belt! "No, no, dammit, that's not it! It's not..." Well, my plan had been to shut him up, and I had succeeded. Now all I had to do was complete the act and put my foot in my mouth. "It has nothing to do with you." I caught Heero's dangerous look and quickly fixed that to, "I mean, it has nothing to do with that. I trust you."

"Then what?" He stood. I, who had yet to unbuckle, was stuck looking up at him. "What the hell has you so scared about me, about this particular seat?"

I played my carp imitation for a little while. "It's... more that... look." I unbuckled myself and stood in front of him, making him scoot back a step. At least I couldn't feel his body heat anymore. "I worked next to Solo. I was practically his right-hand man, though we didn't have any terms for that sort of shit. And what happened to him? He croaked. I stayed at the Church for a while. I was cared for by Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. What happened to them? They croaked. Everybody close to me croaks. Frankly, I'm amazed you guys are even still standing. But maybe it's because I broke off from you all in time. Now that you're-"

"Dammit, Duo."

Not fair. Heero had completely ignored my silent plea for space and grabbed me up in his arms. Again. How many times was this man going to hug me?

And he was very warm.

The sexual tug was, oddly enough, killed at that exact thought, when I remembered just how __warm__ his blood had been on my hands. I may trust him, but I didn't trust myself.

"Duo, you can't possibly take on a strain like that." I jolted a bit; how had he known? But then I mentally kicked myself. Oh yeah. Conversation. In the middle of. God, where was my head? "Something like that isn't your fault. It was war. Everyone was dying. But __you__ lived. Isn't that something to be thankful for?"

Hell. I gave up and wrapped my arms around him, making certain they were above his stomach. "My head says that, but..."

"No matter what, I'll make sure no one dies in that chair."

"Same," I snapped. "By making sure no one sits there at all."

Heero pulled me back and stared me down. "Duo. I won't die."

Liar. Everyone dies. It's only a matter of when. My mouth opened to say just that, but the words stuck inside my throat. What the hell was wrong with me? One second I'm in a conversation, and the next I'm hot and bothered like a prepubescent teenager. And then suddenly I'm remembering my Moment of Horror. And now I'm looking straight up into Heero's eyes and seeing them both as they were, concerned, bright and bold, and how they had been, dead and cold and lifeless.

I shivered.

"Duo?" Heero's hands came up to rub my arms automatically; I swear the man had mother hen tendencies. Then his eyes brightened. "Oh." His eyes sparked some emotion of pain for an instant, maybe recalling his own memory of that time.

"Yeah," I muttered.

"We're... never going to get past this, are we?"

I cringed from the sorrow in his voice. "Aren't you the one who said we definitely will make it, no matter what?"

But I could see the doubt in Heero's face as plain as day, and it terrified me.

* * *

* * *

It was the weirdest feeling, really. My heart was beating really fast. But despite the hummingbird sound of my heartbeats, it felt heavy, like every beat made it gain a pound of weight.

Everything in me was telling me to __move__ , to move forward and grab Heero and demand just what the hell he thought he was doing, looking at me like we wouldn't make it. Like our relationship was over. Like __we__ were over.

And then I realized just how fucking selfish I was being.

I had given him this look how many times? I had made him feel this gut-clenching fear __how many times__? And he'd always just picked me up, carried me through like it was no big deal. He'd done it so many times I'd begun to lose sight of just how fucking __hard__ it was.

So I snatched his hands and pulled them into mine and watched Heero's eyes widen in surprise. "Shut up with that shit, Yuy," I ordered. My fingers curled around his and tugged; he was forced to step into my space. I leaned my head back just that bit more – lucky, tall-ass bastard – and glared up into those beautiful eyes. "I love you, asshole. Despite how fucked up I am, despite how much I've messed things up..." I kind of petered out there, not knowing exactly why I was trying to force Heero to stay with me when I was definitely the problem.

__Fucking hell, just say it!_ _

"And I know I'm being selfish and I know it's all my fault, but I don't care! Don't do this to me, Yuy! I need you!"

I think we both stared at each other then like I'd just proclaimed myself a woman.

"Duo." Heero was gaping fairly openly now. "What did you say?"

"Scratch that last part," I muttered, glancing off to the side.

"No," he countered simply, and leaned down, capturing my lips. Ack. And now my mind was spiraling south. My eyes closed as my body responded. "Thank you," he whispered, his breath hot on my lips, and I was done. My hands reached up of their own accord, catching themselves in his hair and tugging him down.

It was as molten as the ones before it, as electric and white-hot as always. And Heero's hands, when they reached up to curve my spine forward, were strong and hard, yet so soft and gentle it made me shudder.

But he broke it off long before I was done and stepped back just a bit, just enough to give me the message that he was done. His eyes were smiling.

"I'm sorry I worried you. I won't give you up. Not for anything."

"Uh-huh." I cocked an eyebrow and let his arms slide away, ignoring the chill it left. He wasn't giving me that look anymore. It was better than before. I would take that. "You make sure you remember that, dammit."

"Hmm. Care to repeat parts of that little speech?"

"No way in hell," I groused.

"Not even just three words?" he pressed.

"I love you?" I turned to the controls and turned on my Disney playlist, shooting him a look. He was rolling his eyes.

"Two of those are right," he teased.

"Hm, I don't remember saying anything else with two of those three words in any sort of understandable structure – at least not in just three words." 'The Bear Necessities' started playing, and I turned away from the console again. "Is Wufei eating my entire stock of food?"

"You know him. Can't keep his hands out of a good ration bar." Heero grimaced. "God, that's right. I forgot that ration bars were practically all you had on-board."

"I didn't!" Wufei suddenly called, and I blushed. There was no way in hell we were being that loud, right? I'd specifically gotten a thick-walled ship in preparation for my job!

"Shut up, Wufei! We're not done here." Heero grinned down at me. "Where were we?"

"No, I pretty much think we were done." I nodded. "Yup. Definitely done. Nothing else to talk about."

I moved to go around him, but Heero gripped my upper arm before I could escape. "No, I think there's one more thing." The serious tone made me turn back to him. "You are not being selfish. This is not your fault."

I gaped at him again.

"Do you understand me, Duo?" He shook me a little. "It's not selfish to want to be with someone you care about. And you can't keep taking all the blame; I have a good share to take."

"But __you__ got shot," I argued, and realized with a pang of pain that we were traveling down the same familiar path as always.

We turned away from each other at the same time. A small, building headache began to pulse beneath my temple. "Sorry," I murmured. "That wasn't what you wanted to talk about." Shit; we really were kind of stuck on that event, weren't we?

Hell. That wasn't fair, either. __I__ was the one who couldn't get over the fact that I'd almost killed the man I love.

"Maxwell!" Wufei shouted, and Heero and I turned like we'd been shot. "Which room is this for?"

I frowned; I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. One glance at Heero had me grinning apologetically. Wufei had given me an escape, whether he'd meant to or not. Like hell I was going to waste it.

* * *

Apparently what Wufei had spotted were my paints, lined up in the guest room. His duffel bag sat next to the bed. When I explained to him how I'd planned to bring the colors back to my Wing, he offered to help. We'd hardly managed to pick some of the buckets up that Heero came in and wordlessly grabbed the last two.

And that would be how we came to be redrawing my sky in the galley that afternoon and into the evening.

"So," I asked, our last bit of conversation having run its course, "have you ever wondered why there's a galley and a cockpit, but there's also a deck and enemy pirates? We mixed the sea and the sky with space. What's with that?"

Wufei chuckled dryly. "Only you would think of that, Maxwell."

"Maybe they'd run out of words?" Heero said, mockingly serious. He didn't seem to be too upset about my running out on our conversation. Which meant he was planning something.

"They could have just made some up. Who was going to argue?"

"Make up a word?" Wufei seemed almost disgusted with the idea. "We can't very well borrow from another language – most have been lost to time and technology. That leave compounding or affixing, Maxwell."

I blinked. "You just hurt my brain, Wufei."

The man just sighed. He was putting blue paint on the last wall, his hand competently sweeping up and down with the roller. I was working on the clouds, a sponge in my hands, and Heero, who had proven to have a bit of a knack for it, was painting in a butterfly. The floor was still undone, so only the furthest portion from the cockpit was still the picture of a sky, but it would have to wait for when we worked in zero-g – which took a bit of maneuvering.

"Maxwell," Wufei said suddenly, "did that man just say he had street savoire faire?"

I listened and chuckled. "Yup. Don't you know your Disney songs?"

He just gave me a look.

"Right. Sorry." I shrugged. "You and Heero both need to catch up on that stuff. I love it; there's almost always a happy ending."

That made the both of them pause, and I wondered if they were dissecting me again. It made me shuffle my feet. I returned to the bucket of white paint and dipped my sponge in it, then twisted it clean. My hands were starting to look like a ghost's.

"Maxwell, Yuy told me..." He hesitated for a moment, and I felt a distinct pang. The uh-oh feeling. "He told me you'd come up here to find yourself?"

I glared at Heero, but the bastard was carefully not meeting my gaze. "Yeah," I said slowly, "that's right."

"And he said he'd tried to help."

"Help?" I glared harder.

"Yuy told me he'd listed a few of your traits. How kind you are, perhaps? Or how stubborn?"

I vaguely remembered that, yes. I thought back. "He'd said I was 'generous, kind-hearted and dependable.' Ah, he also said I was stubborn and righteous and a worry-wart."

"I didn't say worry-wart," Heero said with a grin. His butterfly was growing antennae out of its head. And it was upside down. "I said 'a worrier.' There's a difference."

"Not really, Yuy," Wufei said, but he was smiling, too.

I found it odd; had Heero told Wufei verbatim what he'd said, or had the both of them come with those two personality traits all on their own?

"I also said he likes to take blame," Heero continued. I snarled.

"Well, that's certainly true. And he fears for others much more than he does himself."

"Mm." Heero made a vague sound of agreement. "To the point of endangering himself for them."

"Constantly," Wufei affirmed.

"Uh, guys? I'm right here." And I was blushing fit to burst.

"Reckless, too," Wufei murmured, and I ground my teeth together.

"Oh, definitely. What else, do you think?"

Wufei hummed. "Well, we can't forget artistic."

"Mm." Heero dotted the butterfly's wings. "With the ability to make words sing."

I scrunched up my face. "I'm not the one talking like a poet – or ignoring someone like a fucking statue!" My cloud became a little too solid then as I smashed the sponge against the wall. I cursed and went about repairing the mistake.

Heero moved across the room to start on another little project on the high end of the opposite wall. "He has a lot of confidence," Heero murmured, completely ignoring my hiss, "but not when it comes to himself."

"That's true," Wufei agreed.

"Hello?" I snapped. "Knock it off!"

"The point, Maxwell," Wufei said on an exaggerated sigh, "is that we know you a lot more than you know yourself."

"Bullshit. That's physically impossible." I finished fixing up the cloud and moved on to start a new one before I fucked it up again. "No one can no me better than myself because they haven't lived my life."

"Granted, I can't trace my way back through your memories to arrive at where or why the trait began," Wufei said, "but I can certainly tell you the traits I see in you. And I don't mean the ones you pretend to have. For instance, I realize now that you have a habit of showing anger and frustration when you are confused, and you try to change the subject when you are embarrassed."

I blushed. "So what?"

Heero, who'd been silent during Wufei's mini-shpiel, decided it was time for him to get in on the act. "Don't forget how much he smiles when he's upset about something."

"How could we possibly forget that?" Wufei asked dryly. He placed his roller back into his bucket of paint. "Maxwell, we will never be able to fully remember ourselves. We don't have the ability to look through every memory we own. And really, only the bad things come from the past. Happiness doesn't last long enough to have convoluted origins. And personality is more than just a sorrowful past."

I blinked. "What are you, a shrink?"

"No," he answered dryly. "I doubt I have the patience for it."

I doubted it, too. "So how do you have the patience to deal with me?"

"Practice," he answered easily, and I glared at him.

Heero chuckled. "You opened that door yourself, Duo."

"Shut up, Heero," I grumbled, and blushed. It felt... decidedly odd. Homey. Comfy. I felt like I was surrounded by warmth on all side, like I'd been stuck in the snow and about to faint from hypothermia when suddenly I was surrounded by people and fire. Like I'd been given a thousand warm fuzzies.

Was this what it was like to have a loving family?

* * *

We finished the sky and moved on to the meadow in the hall, which had also taken an interesting amount of damage. Heero freaking drew ladybugs, for crying out loud. I made fun of him for it, but seriously... they looked kind of cool. I'd only drawn some grass and a sky and I'd attempted a deer but it had looked rather mangled and I'd just painted over it. Of course, when I told him that, the bastard had to paint one in. And when I exclaimed over it, he drew its baby and then the father and an aunt, too. We were absolutely starving by then, and Wufei went out, ditching his continued post as sky-painter for the more delicious task of cooking.

I got up to help – hey, I could at least make a salad or something – but Heero caught my arm and dragged me back down. "wait," he murmured, and pointed at a part of the wall. There weren't any bugs or even flowers there, and I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Isn't this where that war poem was?"

"Huh?" I looked back down; sure enough, my four-line poem __had__ been there. I slanted a look back to him. "And how the hell did you remember that?"

"It... bothered me."

"That it was here?" I looked again at that part of the wall. Heero __must__ have left it blank, but had it been so before? The poems had gone up after I'd finished decorating the ship, and I'd [retty much grabbed whatever space popped out at me first."Why?"

"I was bothered that it existed at all."

I thought about the lines. __If only, if only / we knew what was holy; / keep fighting, keep fighting, / all people die lonely.__ Yeah. I guess he would have a problem with that.

It only took a moment for me to consider the obvious option; it might be difficult for me, but it would be easier for Heero. "Maybe it shouldn't, then."

Heero was oddly stunned by my words. "What?"

"It was destroyed. Maybe it should stay that way."

Heero seemed absolutely torn. "It can't, Duo." On his face sat a grimace. "It has to come back. It was always there. It's... a part of you. A part I hadn't been able to..."He actually raised a fist to his face and covered his mouth with it.

"You can't save 'em all, Hasselhoff," I told him.

He cocked me a look. "What the hell's a Hasselhoff?"

"Hell if I know, but people say it all the time. Look, Heero, the point I'm making is that you can't constantly pick up all my shattered little pieces. It's the same with me. I can't..." I raked a hand through my hair, but it caught in my braid and I growled at it. "I couldn't help you."

He looked confused. "Help me with what?"

Oh, for the love of god. "Never mind. I'm gonna go help with dinner."

I haven't even managed to turn before Heero was grabbing my wrist and turning me around. "No, you're not. You're explaining that last comment. I won't let it go, Duo. Answer me. What the hell did you mean?"

Dammit, now his hands were on my shoulders. "It's nothing. No big deal. Look, don't you think we've spewed our guts enough for one day? Let's give our bowels a break."

"Hell, no. You're tossing up all the information you've got."

He said it with such a serious face that I burst out laughing. "Good follow-through, Yuy," I managed, and found I had to hold my stomach for fear of a cramp.

"I thought so, too." I could hear the smile on his face, even if I was too busy laughing to see it. "Seriously, Duo. Tell me. What do I need help with?"

"Your jokes," I replied immediately. "It was far too pun-ny."

"Like that wasn't?" he remarked dryly. His hands slid to my elbows. "Please?"

It helped me sober up, hearing the perfect soldier say that word. It wasn't fair to hear the strongest man alive beg me for something. Who the hell could say no to that? "Look, don't even think about making fun of me."

"I won't."

His eyes were so freaking sincere it would probably make a bystander nauseous. I was supremely thankful Wufei was otherwise entertained. "So I left after the war. And you went to Preventors."

He nodded, so far following me.

"And then you hooked up with Wufei, and then with Quatre and Trowa."

"Yes." His eyebrows furrowed. Duo, what does this have to do with me needing help?"

"That's just it. You __don't__ anymore. I remember, during the war, how you treated other people like extremely viral cases of leprosy. If it weren't for me, you'd have constantly been on a bench glaring at the world. Now it's different. I came back and __you__ were different. And me? I'm still the same guy I always was. Three years and you and the others got yourselves turned around, and once again I'm the loser playing catch-up."

Heero just stared at me.

I blew out a long breath and shrugged helplessly. "God, I'm a mess. I'm not trying to whine or anything, I'm tired of constantly doing that."

"You don't whine," Hero interjected firmly.

"The hell I don't. Look, that is one hundred percent not the point. The __point__ is that I wasn't here to help you out. Couldn't help. Quatre took care of it, apparently by cursing at you – wish I'd thought of it. Dammit, no. Don't look at me like that." I couldn't take those sad eyes. "So you'd gotten through without me. You don't need to turn around and fix all my ridiculously numerous problems. It's... depressing." I backtracked when he looked vaguely horrified. Strike the word 'depressing' from my category with 'suicide,' 'gunshot' and 'poison.' "I mean it makes me feel like I'm not pulling my weight. Which I'm not. But I'll start," I promised. "Okay?"

He blinked. "Are you done?"

I took a deep breath, thought about it. "Yeah. I think so."

"Good." And then he leaned down and kissed me full on the lips. "I love you, Duo Maxwell. And we're going to talk about this. Every last part of it. I swear, even though you may not be ready to hear it all. Got it?"

My eyes widened. Wouldn't want to hear it all? I hardly felt my head bob up once.

"Good. But first we need to get into the galley. It smells like Wufei's got the food almost done."

Wouldn't want to hear it all? The words sounded vaguely ominous to me. I tried to ignore that stupid little imp in my mind, the one that kept trying to tell me that things were crashing down. After all, when Heero's hands slid off my elbows, one latched onto my hand and pulled me into the galley. His grip was firm and strong, but it was smooth, too. I could trust him not to let go. After all, the bastard had pulled me to him to begin with.

But... what wouldn't I want to hear?

* * *

* * *

We had a nice dinner, and just to cap off everything, in my worry and concern I completely forgot about the fact that I only had two rooms.

Last time, Heero and Wufei had shared and I'd kept the place on zero-g. But now that Heero and I were technically a couple...

I stood in front of that door in horror, vaguely aware of Wufei's back retreating into his room, and I thought I might just very well want to find that stalker on-board my ship.

"Duo? You coming?"

My head turned without my permission. I think my thoughts were rather easy to read, because Heero turned away and cleared his throat.

"We need to talk."

My heart skipped a beat. I firmly told it to shut the fuck up. Heero didn't mean it like that. But somehow my mind launched back to that paralyzing moment when Heero had doubted how long we'd continue and... my heart skipped a beat again.

"Duo?"

He was inside the room now. I had yet to venture in there, see what was left. It, I think, had survived the blast, so everything in there might still be-

"Oh, fuck."

I raced in there, but as soon as I slid through, I knew it was too late. Heero was looking at the far wall like he'd found the charred remains of a defenseless baby. I sighed and gave it up for lost, slumping slowly up next to him. "Hi, Heero."

He turned to me, too shocked to be upset, too confused to by furious. "Duo, what the hell is this?"

I urned and took a chance to look at the poem. This one had been put up with less strength as the rest. I'd just come back from one of Une's missions, having fallen into a pit of self-deprecation so big it almost got me killed. I wasn't so morbid as to write with my own blood, but with the way my hands had shook and my vision had blurred, it looked like I just might have. This one actually had its title stamped above it: Tsubasa. From what I'd gathered from some old Japanese shows I'd found, Tsubasa meant wings. I cleared my throat and quickly scanned the words.

 _The ancient wings of glorious summer_  
Now rage in discontent.  
But wherefore art thy distant murmur  
Of great days once misspent?  
And why hath all the maids and maidens  
Left lost to that contact?  
For dining hath once ruined the hearts  
The men had once intact.

 _So come to us, O crying youth_  
Who wishes for the morn  
And join the older and the group  
Who wish they were not born.  
Believe in wings that scream in pain,  
The tips concealed in blood  
And cry on me, for I'm your shield,  
Your hope, your life, your love.

The paint had dripped down the wall, testimony to how little control I'd had over my limbs at that point in the game. I'd fallen unconscious there in my room for a while, and only the ship's wailing woke me up, informing me that I was supposed to be docking. I'd hardly managed to call for emergency assistance before passing out against, this time in the cockpit.

Exactly how much of that was I supposed to tell Heero?

"Duo, I want an answer. What..." His eyes trailed seemingly unwillingly back. "What the hell is this?"

"A poem?" I tried, but his eyes turned away from it just long enough to give me a glare. Apparently he didn't appreciate the joke. "Look, it isn't blood or anything."

"It's not?" Heero seemed to ingest that, and I saw some tension in his shoulders ease. What the hell? I may have been depressed, but I wasn't a fucking lunatic. What did he think I did, stabbed myself and leaked out the poem onto the walls?

"No, Heero, it's not. It's the same paint as everywhere else."

He looked at it for a moment longer, and then the tension eased a lot more. "You're right," he sighed. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "But it's different. Duo, the paint's __everywhere__."

"Trust me, I'm well aware. But every time I tried to paint over the splotches, my hands would freeze. I guess my body or subconscious or something wants to keep it there. Maybe as a reminder. I dunno."

"A reminder? Of what?"

"Of not to try it again?" At Heero's questioning look, I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure Une was informed, but maybe she didn't tell any of you. I took one of her mission, as usual. Routine. Did it a million times. There be the weapons dealers, there be the bad guy engineers, there be me. This one was supposed to be even easier than usual – just get some incriminating evidence. A few snapshots, maybe an illegal gun or three. Find some gundanium. Something. But I was stupid and got careless and took a few slugs." Heero looked about five seconds from freaking out. "No, no, look, okay, I was dumb. I didn't move fast enough when I should have, didn't push myself forward, and I got caught in the middle of their base. Look, it wasn't that bad, okay? I got out, got to my ship, sent the info to Une, and she sent her men in. She got them all despite my fuck-up; apparently she'd been waiting with troops to enter, made up an excuse about an anonymous phone call – don't bitch about the procedure-"

"Duo, what happened to __you__?"

His hands were outstretched, both in the air, not touching anything. One was wavering in front of the poem. The other was reaching for me. I huffed and walked forward until he could grab my hand. "Nothing. I took some bullets, got aboard Wing and headed out." Heero hissed. "Une had no idea I was injured, and I wasn't keen on telling her I'd done something as newbie as spaced out. I thought I could make it to a clinic on a nearby colony, but... I didn't." Heero's eyes widened. "I mean I did! I just... this has nothing to do with the poem," I muttered.

"Duo," he said slowly, "are you telling me that... that you wrote this poem while you were...?" He apparently couldn't even find the words to finish off that question. He looked back at the poem, horrified beyond words. " _ _How__?"

"Yeah, I don't have any idea how I managed it," I admitted. "I just suddenly found myself grabbing the spare paint can by the bed and suddenly I was writing. Couldn't even tell what I was putting up there, had no idea if it was legible. It just sort of... happened." I shrugged, but Heero wasn't about to let it go.

"How many bullets? Where?"

He looked about ready to drag my clothes of, and even with this very brutal topic of conversation, I was certain that would lead to paths yet untread. So I told him. "Six. One leg, two stomach – they have a thing for my stomach – two arm, one chest."

" _ _Chest__?"

"I was very, very careless."

"You could have died! What the hell were you thinking?!"

I ignored the anger because I very much understood it. "Probably not much. I don't really remember what I was thinking, or even what I was doing at the time. I remember my instincts screaming at me to __move__ , but I didn't. I think... I think I might have been having a slightly minor suicidal moment."

" _ _Minor__?" Heero repeated incredulously, looking back at the poem. "That doesn't look __minor__ , Duo."

"Yes, thank you for noting my outrageous mistake, I hadn't noticed it before this very second. Any more you want to uncover and lay bare, potentially humiliate me with? I very much wish to be enlightened, O ye who does no wrong." I waited for Heero to stumble before continuing. "I know I fucked up, Yuy. I truly am man enough to admit that."

"I know," Heero murmured.

"I can even manage to wipe my own ass most days," I continued. "And then, when I'm really agile, I can even flush the toilet. But you know, I think the biggest accomplishment of my life is not having faceplanted tripping on nothing. Pretty proud of myself for that one."

Heero sighed. "I apologize."

"Apology accepted," I said briskly, and glanced nervously at the bed. "So what were the things you originally wanted to talk about? You know, before you saw my psycho poem up there."

"First." He held up a finger, then pointed it at the poem. "What the hell is this thing talking about?"

I bit my lip. "It took me about the entirety of the time after I wrote it for me to even begin to understand. It's something about how you shouldn't regret the happy times and say that you wasted that time because if you were happy it wasn't wasted. Or something like that."

Heero reread it. "You mean the glorious summer raging in discontent is that 'happy time?'"

The words sounded odd falling from Heero's lips. "Yeah, that's right. And the women lost their contact with it, and men ruined their hearts in excess of it. I think."

Heero nodded. "Makes sense." And then he pointed again. "And the second stanza?"

I shrugged. "It's still kind of up in the air. So, uh, Heero? The other stuff you were going to talk about?"

"'O crying youth?'" he quoted. "Would that be you?"

"No, it's somebody else. I'm talking to someone, but I don't think it's someone I know. Heero, dammit, just drop the subject of that poem for five minutes. Why do we 'need to talk?'"

My tone must have finally cut through whatever psycho information-sniffing mood he was in, because he turned to me with his eyes a little wide and his mouth slightly open. Apparently he had never caught the fact that he'd said something potentially scary to me.

"Duo, I meant we needed to talk about what you'd said to me earlier today. Nothing particularly bad," he soothed. He came over and stood in front of me.

"You said there might be things I don't want to hear."

"Yes. Although what I think I said was that you may not be __ready__ to hear it."

"That doesn't sound loads better."

He sighed. "I swear, Duo, it is." And then he attempted to usher me over to the bed. I immediately balked. "Duo?"

"I'm comfortable standing." I eyed the bed like one might a rabid wolverine.

I swear to God, the bastard had the audacity to blink owlishly at me. I could see it when it clicked; his eyes widened even more than usual and his mouth turned into a tiny little 'o.' And then the dick fucking smiled at me. Very warmly. Commence sizzle.

"Duo, we are kind of in the middle of something. Stalker?"

My teeth were clamped together. "That's why I don't want to lay down."

His mouth turned into an 'o' again. "All right." He sighed again, raked a hand through his hair. Flashed his eyes back to that damn poem. "All right," he repeated. "we'll stand. You said four important things back then."

He'd listed them?

"And we're not finished talking about this little number." He pointed to __Tsubasa__.

"Yeah, yeah," I groused.

"One: that you had never helped me find the civilian in me. Two: that you have numerous problems. While that may or may not be true, it's not like you're the only one Duo. Three: hell yes, I have to help you with each one of those numerous problems. And four: you __are__ pulling your weight. A little bit too much, actually."

I made noises of dissent throughout his little mini-shpiel, but he shushed me every single time by switching on his Glare O' Doom.

"The first one is irritating because I already __told__ you that you helped me; you made me follow you everywhere. It's as you said. I wouldn't have even acknowledged the existence of anyone if it hadn't been for you. You helped me learn to reach out, to speak. I had my emotions, but you're the one who got me __talking__ about them. Watching you, I wondered if it wasn't possible that you... that Odin Low may have been right. Quatre called me on my inhibitions, yes, and he did so rather, uh, memorably."

I snickered.

"Yes. Ha ha. But it was you who even got me __that__ far. And when I thought about what Quatre said – about me being withdrawn-"

"Withdrawn? I thought there was something about sticks and asses involved-"

" _ _A-ny-way__ , when Quatre brought it up, it reminded me of why you might have left all of us, and I thought that maybe it was because of what Quatre said. And if we were ever going to find you, the only way I could possibly try to make you come back was to be able to reach out, and that meant breaking down the barrier. Of course there were other reasons – for my friends, for myself. But it was mostly for you. Did you forget? I've loved you for a very, very long time now."

And I had absolutely nothing to say to that.

"Number two," he began, but I held up a hand to stop him.

"Heero, is this all going to try to refute me by saying you love me?"

"That is a major part of it, yes," he told me. He had that half-smirk on his face, the one that was just waiting for me to give it a chance to pop wide open. I very much loved and yet very much hated that damn smirk.

"Then don't. It's... distracting." I tried very hard not to look at the bed. I swear I did.

He fucking chuckled at me. "Duo, you have a one-track mind."

"I've been doing my damnedest __not__ to think about it all day!" More than that, but best not to give so much away.

His eyes took on a suspicious gleam, and suddenly I felt like he was going to pounce on me. Tiny, miniature alarm bells went off in my head. "You want to have sex with me that badly?"

I thought about what those words meant to me. Sex was that one man back when I was a child, the one who grabbed my hair and yanked my head back so that my throat was to the air, and I'd thought he'd slice me, but he pulled down his zipper and shoved his cock into my mouth. __That__ was sex. Or the kids on the streets weeping, screaming, begging, crawling into the alley, blood trailing from their thighs, two credits in their hands and death in their eyes. __That__ was sex. I didn't want __that__.

"No."

Heero seemed confused. "You don't?"

I shook my head emphatically, so hard I almost got a headache. "No. I don't want to have __sex__. I want to..." And here I blushed so hard I couldn't finish for anything. I looked down at the floor. I'd painted it black, too, and had painted a moon, but I'd disliked the way it looked and had covered it with the bed. The rest of the floor was pure black. There were no stars. And nowhere in my room was there a sun or asteroids or even a nebula. Mostly because I didn't have that much skill, but because I'd always been fascinated by the idea of having tiny little pinpricks of light that may hold countless untold secrets.

"You want to what, Duo?"

I shook my head and said nothing.

I heard him rake his hand through his hair again and tried to imagine just how messy his hair was now. "Duo, please tell me?"

The bastard must have fucking learned that I couldn't say no to that goddamn word. I snarled and just snapped, "wrong word."

The bastard was silent again, apparently soaking it in and letting it simmer for a few seconds. Finally he said, "The second one, we all have problems, and we all have a lot of problems, and I could list mine but it might take a while. The third one kind of pissed me off because I love you and not only do I __want__ to help you with your problems, I __have__ to, because watching you suffer isn't something I can stand to do. And the fourth and last one was also damned annoying because you've pulled your weight so damn hard you've almost killed yourself far too many times for me to count. Now." He took a deep breath, and then I heard his footsteps clomp over to me. His fingers entered my vision, touched my chin, lifted it up and forced me to look into those deep near-midnight eyes of his. "Do you want to make love with me?"

I blushed so hard I think I burned. My shoulders hunched up in immediate defense.

"Stop figuring me out," I whispered, hardly loud enough to hear.

But Heero was superhuman and even if he hadn't heard every word I'd said, he could simply read my lips and figure it out that way. "No."

He leaned down until our lips brushed. "I love you," he murmured, and he traced his lips over mine. "Very much. More than you can imagine, possibly."

"I have a good imagination," I managed. My entire body was on point, more than ready to express its interest.

Heero chuckled, a tiny, breathy little thing, and grabbed me into his arms. The force of his kiss nearly knocked me back; it was power and hunger and control. __This__ was the man I'd seen on the battlefield, a man so intense his very aura pushed you back. It was incredible to feel his arms around me, tugging at my braid, pulling my waist against his until I could feel that he was just as excited as I was. My brain just fucking fogged.

 _ _This__ was the psycho bastard who conquered the Zero system. __This__ was the lunatic who decided to cliff dive minus a parachute. And this was also the annoying little fucker who decided that I was his own personal jigsaw puzzle. The bastard who constantly forgot the meaning of the word 'no.' The schizo who held a gun in my face and then saved my sorry ass. The man I'd shot, twice in the war and once almost a month ago. The man with emotions deeper than... than... fuck it. Deeper than a fucking black hole. And he was the man I loved, and more, even greater, even more unbelievable than all of this – he was the man who loved me in return.

And that was why I stepped away.

Those unyielding arms yielded to me the moment I decided to step away, even as his eyes looked at me in confusion. The body that could bend steel let me go. "Duo?"

I took a deep breath. "One, I understand I might have helped you at first, and maybe in your head, but I would have absolutely loved to watch the changes you underwent, and I could kick myself for having let go of the opportunity. Two, whatever problems you have, I love them, too, because I'm so madly in love with you I should probably have my bedroom padded. Three, that very reasoning of yours, that watching me hurt hurts you, is exactly why I absolutely abhor having all these goddamn weaknesses and why getting you involved hurts __me__. And fourthly, I'll keep pulling more than enough of my weight as long as it keeps you from getting hurt by __my__ problems, because apparently I hurt you enough.

"And you said you wanted to wait until there were no other distractions and nothing to worry about. Let's just get to sleep, okay? I'll take the floor."

"Duo, firstly, that's fucking unreasonable, your bed's big enough for both of us and you know damn well we'll suffer, sleeping in this same room together. And secondly," he murmured, cupping my cheek, "I see no other distractions."

"God, Heero, please, this is hard enough." I placed my hand on his and closed my eyes. Every single molecule in my body seemed to be about ready to revolt and to hell with my one, small, insignificant little speck of a muscle that argued against it. Heero hadn't offered until he'd realized how much I wanted it. Feeling how fucking deep and strong Heero's emotions were, even for that one instant, it felt like he would do anything I asked, even if my mouth never voiced the plea.

"Duo, I think that's the first time you've said please to me."

I took a very, very deep breath. "Sleep time."

Heero hesitated, and I almost kicked him in the nuts to keep him quiet, but finally he just silently went to the bed and flipped back the sheets.

"Everything bolted down?" I asked him, and when he confirmed I opened the door and went to the cockpit. Heero didn't say anything, but I figured he'd be fucking timing me or something, so I just turned on zero-g and went back to the room. A locked cabinet held an extra blanket and pillow and I made myself comfortable in it.

"You know, Duo," Heero said as I rolled myself into a floating cocoon, "we really will be aggravated all night."

Aggravated. A nice way to put it. "Yeah. But at least now we won't be in physical pain."

Apparently he had nothing to say to that.

I was very well aware of the throbbing pain of non-completion, but I thought it rather uncouth to take a quick restroom break for it. It was quiet from Heero's end of the room; I was drifting aimlessly on the left end of the room as he slept on the right.

"Duo."

"Mn." I yawned and wondered if I would manage to get fucking __any__ sleep.

"I'll make sure there are no distractions," he vowed, and I shivered at the conviction in his tone. "And then I'll make you writhe beneath me."

I groaned and buried my face in the pillow – an interesting feat in zero-g. Fucking __hell__. The answer to that stupid question? __None__. I wouldn't be getting sleep for a long, long time.

Like a year.

Or however long it took to make this stalker bastard disappear. I don't think I'd ever wanted someone dead so much in my fucking life.

* * *

* * *

It was a very, very long night.

How many times did I regret my decision to wait? After all, I'd kind of been bothered by my libido for the past... Jesus, pretty much since Heero returned from the hospital. It was absolutely ridiculous for __me__ to be the one to say no.

But I could remember, very vividly, the gleam in Heero's eyes when he'd told me we would wait for the perfect moment. And you know, despite how freaking girly it was, thinking that he wanted that moment to be perfect kind of made me feel not only loved but cherished. You know?

So I didn't want Heero's desire to be put on a back shelf just because I was a little too... hyper, shall we say?

That said, it was still a very, very long night.

I don't know if Heero got much sleep, but I know I didn't. I think I had small, short little bursts of sleep, but they were always shallow and quickly gone.

It was far into what was probably morning on Earth when Heero spoke. "This isn't working."

"You noticed?" I was still floating in the middle of the room, so I couldn't pull myself up. The most I could do was turn in his direction. "So what do you want to do instead?"

Heero was ready for that question. "What about Zechs Merquise? You told us you'd explain."

I blinked. Oh, yeah. That. "I'd honestly forgotten all about the asstard."

"Ass 'tard?" Heero repeated, sounding amused in the darkness of the room, sounding it out. "Inventive."

"Thank you. He was the one who'd sent the file, as far as I could tell."

Heero frowned. "How? Why? Zechs is supposed to be out on a mission."

Mission. I rolled my eyes, then stopped, disturbed.

'Zechs?'

We were on a first name basis with the asscracker?

Oh, hell no.

I huffed. "Look, I don't know. The details are beyond me. But I very well know that he was the one who fit the best."

"Why didn't you wait for me? Do it with me?"

I thought of his fingers on the keyboard and wished there was something hard nearby I could bash my head against. "For one thing, it was my job, thanks, and informing you doesn't mean it's suddenly yours, too, and for another, I kept getting distracted and – don't you dare laugh at me, Yuy!"

The bastard was fucking chortling.

I took my pillow and sailed it at him. He caught it, of course, and just kept right on laughing at me.

"Yeah, yuck it up," I grumbled. "It hasn't been a pain to deal with. Not at all."

He cleared his throat, and I thought I saw the jerk sit up a little straighter to wipe his eyes. I glared at him, I really did, but I couldn't help my lips from twitching. It was absolutely incredible to watch the perfect soldier wipe tears of laughter from his eyes.

I wondered when it would stop hitting me – when it would start seeming to be normal. I almost hoped it wouldn't. I didn't ever want to take this for granted.

"I really am sorry about that, Duo." His eyes glinted maliciously. "But __you__ were the one to say no last night. And if you feel that strongly about it, then of course we'll wait."

I groaned. He was evil. Pure evil.

He laughed at me again.

"Come on," he said, sitting up. "We're up, so we might as well cook. Poor Wufei's been trapped in that galley too many times."

I agreed, so the two of us got up and changed out of our clothes via the bathroom – things were far too tense for us to chance undressing with one another in the room – and headed to the kitchen to cook some breakfast.

* * *

When breakfast was ready and Wufei officially woken up, Heero told Wufei what I'd told him about Zechs, and then I compounded on the information for the both of them. We went back out and finished the meadow, then went in to do the cockpit, which had been like my room. I hesitated there, not wanting to bring back the reasons why I'd painted it that way.

Heero and Wufei looked at me a little strangely when I stopped them from picking up the black paint and said, "not those."

"Your cockpit was space," Wufei said, as if actually believing I might have forgotten.

"Yeah, I know. But I don't think I want that again."

They exchanged a significant glance with one another. "And why is that?" Wufei asked. His tone was light, but his eyes were sharp.

I shrugged, remembering that old belief from back when I'd first realized just how much I'd hid. That I was as empty as space. "Well, maybe we can do space," I mused. "But do you guys know how to draw nebulas and asteroids and shit?"

They exchanged that look again. "Why?" Heero pressed.

"Because I like nebulas," I said defensively. I looked down at the colors of paint I owned. Some random part of me had bought tiny little things of pastels, thinking I might try to draw flowers. We'd used the colors to do just that, but there was plenty left and suddenly I wanted nebulas and crazy shit all over those walls in the cockpit.

"Maxwell, your psyche is a very convoluted and complex structure, and it apparently comes out visually. Now explain just what it is that you want to see in that cockpit, and do it now." Wufei had his hands on his hips, scaring the living hell out of me with his look of determination.

"Uh..." I shuffled my feet, shrugged. "Well, I remember thinking some stuff that neither of you wants to hear, and it was what, I dunno, inspired me? Yeah. It inspired me to paint the cockpit the way I did."

Heero frowned, seemingly ready to dig into my bowels again, but thankfully Wufei just grabbed the paints I'd been looking at and huffed, "glad you want it changed," and left. I thought I caught him giving Heero one last parting Look before he left.

Heero seemed to take a second, maybe taking in what Wufei had said. I was ready to bet my life savings that Wufei had been speaking mostly to Heero when he's said that.

"He's right," Heero sighed. I was surprised; I was ready to get my ass chewed out. "I am glad you don't think like that anymore, because if it's something I don't want to hear, it's something I don't want you thinking. But..." And here he raked that hand through his hair again. "Dammit, I want to know."

"You wanna know __everything__ ," I informed him, rolling my eyes.

"Everything about you," he agreed, so quickly it was like he'd practiced the damn line. It left me floundering for a second.

"Right. Well, I just thought that I was my masks and nothing else. That there was the Jester and Shinigami and... I didn't really know that there was someone else at all."

I could see a flash of pain on Heero's face, but this one seemed tinged with something else. It made me realize that Heero had, at least at one point, felt the exact same horror. Without the war, what was I? __Who__ was I? A soldier didn't need to be human; hell, being human could equal death.

With a deep breath, I continued. "So I was afraid there __wasn't__ something underneath. I mean, I'd had something other than my battle persona; Shinigami wasn't a permanent fixture, after all. It's like I shuffled two, but I wondered if I was like Mr. Potato Head or something and no matter how many different lips I had, none of them were really __mine__. If that makes any sense. I'd thought the Jester was the civilian me, but he wasn't. So __was__ there a civilian me?"

Heero's lips thinned, but he kept silent, waiting for me to finish.

"It was a completely random thought; I'd just left Quatre with Trowa and returned to my ship, and I'd gone back into space and..." I hesitated, unsure if I wanted Heero to hear the next part. "Uh, and I looked out and I guess I questioned myself."

"Duo, say it."

"I can't! It sounds ridiculous!" I groaned and pulled my bangs back in frustration. "It sounds absolutely stupid. Like poetry, but it somehow went horribly, horribly wrong."

"I don't care." Heero bent down and picked up the black paint cans, of which I had bought several. "It has something to do with emptiness, right? Or darkness?" At my rather dumbfounded look, he lightly swung a can and hit me on the hip. "I understand you, Duo."

His eyes were calm, but that piercing quality hadn't diminished in the slightest. It made me duck my head and finally suck it up and __answer__. "Yeah. I looked out and I wondered if there was nothing in me – that the blackness of space was... metaphoric."

"Duo." Heero stepped forward, into my personal space. I was forced to bring my head up or bump it on his chin. "When you made that conclusion, you forgot about something."

"Nebulas?" I guessed.

It made his lips quirk. "No, idiot. __We're__ here. In space. All living things are in space."

"Yeah, thanks for the inferiority complex." At his warning glare, I conceded with a, "yeah. I know."

"Good." He pecked me on the lips before I quite knew what the hell he was doing, and then he was out the door.

I touched my lips and felt the fire rage right back up again. "You bastard!"

I could hear the asshole's chuckle as it bounced down the hall.

* * *

Nebulas and asteroids and stars and planets. Every one was put up with painstaking care, with Heero doing most of the nebulas. It was something I hadn't ever known about him – his ability to draw. There was a moment when all I did was stare over at him, at the look of concentration on his face. But of course I got quite uncomfortable and had to return to my little dots.

Then was dinner, then bedtime. It was just as uncomfortable as the night before, if not more so. We'd walked in knowing we wouldn't do it, and that made the flame burn even more painfully. I huffed and sailed over to my pillow and blanket, ignoring Heero's cocked eyebrow.

I listened as he got in bed, as well, and tried very hard not to imagine him lying down in that way he had, the one that told you he'd be awake the moment you stepped into the room. I had no idea why __that__ made me uncomfortable. I did my best to roll over and winced. Ouch.

Heero leaned up and looked over at me, but he didn't say anything. I'm sure he knew the cause of my... distress.

"Shut up and go to sleep," I muttered, and he just snorted and lay back down.

* * *

"Hey, guys, it's almost time to land." I popped my head into the galley the next morning and pointed behind me. "The notice is about to go off; we might as well get into position."

Wufei tossed his drink in the chute and pushed off. "All right, then."

Heero nodded and moved to follow, giving me an assessing look. I looked away, wholly uncomfortable admitting in the light of day – so to speak – that I'd hissed in pain while in zero-g.

"We'll only be there for a short while," I informed the two of them. "I just need to get more gas, and then we'll get a quick check-up. After that, we can go straight back out."

"I want to get some more food," Wufei said.

"And there are a few things I need, as well," Heero murmured as we sailed into the cockpit. "It shouldn't take too long."

"All right. I'll stay on-board and oversee the check-up. Bring back the supplies and lock then up, then come on back to the cockpit." I sat down and hooked the belts around me. I turned off the alarm just two minutes before it would go off. "Once you're both back, we'll sail right back out. Any preferences?"

I looked around, but they both shook their heads in a negative and I turned back around. "Great! I get to pick again." I chewed my lip. Like I had any clue where to go. Well, worse to worse, I would just close my eyes and play pin the tail on the donkey with my finger and a grid. "I'll send a message to Une, ask her to send another to Trowa and Quatre. Anything you want to say?"

"We're fine and be careful," Wufei said immediately.

"And that, for now," Heero added, "don't trust Merquise."

I shot him a glance from the corner of my eye. The colony docking bay was in sight now, a small block in the colony's side. My hands instinctively slipped down the console. I cleared my throat and focused on the screen. "Gotcha."

Even as my fingers flitted around and I called in my ship's numbers to command, Heero reached up and clicked on my battle music. Apparently I wasn't going to be breaking that habit again. Disturbed's "Enough" banged onto the speakers.

"Maxwell, where do you __find__ all this old music?" Wufei asked; I imagined him cocking his head.

I decided it would be best not to inform him that most of it had been acquired illegally. "If you search around long enough, usually you can find what you're looking for."

Heero rolled his eyes and shushed Wufei before he could ask something else. I tuned them out and bounced my head to the beat. Heero hardly bothered to watch the screens as they popped up, knowing I could handle them. Instead he turned that gaze of his on me and entertained himself with seeing how uncomfortable he could make me – again.

* * *

"They're out getting supplies right now." I hat to shout a bit to be heard; my Demon's Wing was getting fuel and a nice tune-up, to boot. It was a little noisy.

"When will they be back?" Une demanded. Her frown informed me that she wasn't pleased that they'd left the ship.

"I dunno." I flipped a bang from my face and huffed at the sound of a whirring gear. Heero and Wufei had left as soon as the search of the dock had turned up clear, which had only been a few minutes ago. Still, I felt oddly exposed in my cockpit all alone. It made me want to laugh – wasn't I more used to being alone in this room than surrounded? How quickly habits changed.

"You can't get separated," she snapped. Okay. So her tone was telling me more now than even her frown.

"And why?" I asked. "Just because you haven't found my secret admirer?"

The woman looked about ready to reach across the line and smack me. "You said this man was able to come up behind you, whisper into your ear, and jump out of a window, all without you being able to even identify the color of the man's hair. How about __not__ underestimating him?"

"Yeah, said that way, it kind of does make me seem extremely special." A thump and answering grind informed me that the fuel line had been cut from the ship.

"Yes. It does. How far from the ship are they?" She looked away from the screen for a second. Someone's voice called in; she broke them off with a snappish, "later!"

"I dunno," I answered. "Let me just check their GPS tracking devices."

"Why thank you, Strike." Une rolled her eyes.

"Look, since we're getting nowhere, why don't you send a message to Qat and Trowa?"

"I am not a messenger."

"I know." I grinned. "But do it, anyway."

She downright scowled at me. "Keep it brief."

"Fine, fine. Ruin all my fun." I started before she could say anything. "Wufei says that we're fine and to be careful. Heero warns not to trust Zechs for now – hey, don't look at me like that, __he__ said it, not me... for once – and I want to let them know I'm sorry, and that we'll take care of this."

Une's eyes went slightly blank for a moment as she processed the information. I knew she wouldn't forget a word. "Anything else?"

"Uh, try to think of it as a honeymoon. Only slightly more dangerous." I was too tense to lean back in my seat. "And that I'm really, really sorry."

Une rolled her eyes. "Should I mention that you groveled on the floor of your ship?"

"If it'll help." I sighed heavily. Trowa's face was very vivid in my mind. "Though I know it won't."

Une pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote her signature on it. "Fine. I don't wish to become involved in any melodrama. Or at least any more than you've already saddled me with. I'll simply send the damn message and they can do with it what they wish. Is that acceptable?"

"More than. Thank you."

"Then I'm signing off. You aren't my only headache, unfortunately." She stood. "Take care, Strike. Tell the others the same sentiments."

"I'll be sure to. And we'll all be sure to disregard it."

"Speak for yourself, Maxwell." Wufei walked into the cockpit. It made me jump; I hadn't been paying attention to the external sensors. I cursed myself for it as I flipped Wufei the bird.

"Suck-up."

"Shut it," he said amicably. "We will prepare for take-off, then, Commander, if your business is over."

"It is. Keep Strike in line, please."

"If I can" were his parting words. I scowled at him.

"I bought food and put it away. Where's Yuy?"

"Still out," I answered and pulled up a grid. With eyes closed, I pointed to it. "Where am I pointing?"

Wufei leaned in. "Uh, Colony G12. Why are you doing this?"

"Colony G12 it is." I started charting the course.

"You can't be serious," he muttered, but in the end he simply dropped it and turned away. "I'm going to unpack more thoroughly, since Yuy is still taking care of his business. Call me in when he returns."

"Aye aye." I didn't even look up.

Wufei huffed and exited.

* * *

Heero entered the cockpit about ten minutes later, and after I called Wufei in, Une's useful little emergency pass got my Wing hooked right back up and launched. Heero sat next to me, once again turning on my music. I distinctly heard Wufei sigh, but Heero smirked. He even flipped through the songs, looking at each title, pulling up lyrics.

"I thought you were supposed to help me?" I asked when we were back up in the vacuum of space.

"You can handle it." The bastard just kept right on flipping through.

"Smartass," I muttered.

"You're both smartasses," Wufei piped up from behind.

"So are you," Heero shot back.

"But I at least retain a sense of intelligence when doing so."

"Only a sense of it?"

I grinned, suddenly completely at ease. Somehow their bantering had become simply that to me – friendly banter. I unbuckled myself, and Heero and Wufei did the same, though Heero didn't move from his seat. I took the chance to lean down and kiss him. He looked at me in surprise.

"I love you," I informed him randomly, suddenly inspired to do so.

"Um, good?" He pushed up and grabbed me up in a deeper kiss. "I love you, too." But then he sat right back down and began flipping through the lyrics again. "Now go do something. I'm busy."

I laughed. "Asshole." Wufei had already left, most likely to retreat to the galley while we attempted to give him a nosebleed. "You can be so annoying."

"It's one of my many charms."

The grin turned wolfish. "And you're suddenly being sarcastic, too. Any particular reason?"

He turned an equally wolfish grin on me. "Wait tonight and find out."

I scowled at him. "Below the belt, Yuy."

His eyes dilated interestingly. "Yeah. I know."

* * *

* * *

Wait for tonight?

The bastard was trying to kill me. I could swear it.

But wasn't it wonderful? I mean, excluding the fact that I just thought the word 'wonderful' and actually placed it in a sentence... it really was. Wonderful, I mean. Heero and I weren't arguing. We weren't awkward around one another. We weren't thinking about death and guns and poison.

I sailed into our room, needing a private moment. Heero was still skulking through my lyric files, and Wufei was doing something in the galley. I was free to think alone in our room.

Our room. Why was I thinking of it like that? I always had this room to myself. In two days, had I really changed my opinion on this room so much?

I moved over to the poem on the side wall, still miraculously all right despite how totaled my ship had been. Had Heero seen it? The proof that I had been... what? On the verge of suicide?

I sat on my haunches and glared at the poem. "I'm not suicidal... am I? Well, I did try to kill myself," I muttered. But __why__ was I suicidal? What had been the reason? Not for my attempt with strychnine. For all the time before that? Why had I questioned my existence so thoroughly? Somehow, I didn't think that I'd felt that way when I'd left on my little solo journey. Or had I? Had I not even realized it?

I stood back up, but I couldn't quite move away yet. When had I started losing myself so much? The Jester may not have been me, but that didn't mean that I wasn't allowed to laugh or joke like the Jester had. Hadn't Heero turned into the Perfect Soldier once, right before my eyes? When things got tough, he could switch over in a heartbeat. Why couldn't I?

Was it because Heero had found out who he really was? When one knows their true self, honestly knows them, wouldn't that make it easier to pretend to be someone else? Staying to to oneself in one's mind...

Really, didn't it all boil down to the fact that I'd really not had any idea just what the hell I'd been doing? I'd gone out into space to find something I didn't know existed or not.

I took a deep breath. Maybe what I really needed to admit... was that all the suffering I'd gone through those three years had been entirely my own fault.

Yeah. That was right, wasn't it? All those feelings of sorrow, of loneliness, of not belonging anywhere... being alone, the only one who could possibly affect my emotions was me. Only I could make myself feel something. There were no outside sources saying or doing things that might have affected me. And even if there were, wasn't I the one who decided whether I would be happy or sad?

So... what? Did that mean... that I'd __made__ myself depressed?

I snorted. No way. I was the one that made myself into the sissy that I'd become? I don't even __like__ the me that thinks about death as a viable option. So why would I make myself into that?

I pushed off from the wall and let myself float. But in the end, wasn't that exactly what it boiled into? Granted, there were things that made me believe I should leave, that helped me think that I really was alone and unwanted in the world – and it's not like the words "we don't want you here" were new to a street rat – but in the end, hadn't __I__ made myself feel that way? There __was__ no one saying they didn't want me around. Only I ever said that to myself – __no one wants you. Everyone's made it just fine on their own, without you.__ I was obsessed with these thoughts. But I'd only really spoken with Quatre over the years, and he'd been nothing but supportive. Worried, concerned, but always, always supportive.

I bumped into the opposite wall. It was no wonder Trowa had hated me.

I was right, wasn't I? Somehow, I've been causing all these problems for myself. Not just the bounty hunter thing. Not just the poison thing. Even the depression thing? Granted, I didn't cause __everything__. I didn't __make__ Heero go undercover without our knowing. I didn't __make__ Trowa hate me. But maybe it all could have been avoided, or handled better...

Then I stopped myself. I was thinking about this all wrong again. That wasn't right. The paths I didn't take couldn't be called either better or worse. I wouldn't be able to know, no matter what. So those unknown paths may as well have never existed at all.

Right now is what I needed to be worried about. Things that were happening at this moment. And right now, Heero and I were together. Trowa was slowly starting to accept my existence. Wufei and Quatre were ready and waiting to help me out at a moment's notice.

What I needed to do was to protect the relationship I wanted to have with Heero. I wanted to... to stay with everyone. I didn't want everything to fall apart again. I needed to buck up, become stronger. Didn't they – whoever they were – always say that life was about change? Maybe instead of trying to find out who I was or what characteristics I had, I should have always been searching for something I __wanted__ to have, or someone I __wanted__ to be. Maybe it was time I stopped mourning what I might have lost in the past and grab onto what I want for the future.

And what I wanted was Heero.

I reached out and pushed myself from the wall, then rebounded and touched the floor. My hand was on the panel to open the door when a hand clapped over my mouth.

I was pulled back, pushed to the middle of the room, where I floated in someone's arms. It wasn't Heero, and it most certainly wasn't Wufei.

Someone got aboard the ship.

I grabbed the hand around my mouth and yanked a finger back, snapping it. The man didn't let go, though he hissed quietly in pain. "Don't be afraid," he hushed, and I spasmed in shock. "I won't hurt you."

It was him.

How? How the hell did he get on-board? How'd he even get to L3? Even if he miraculously got here before us, he shouldn't have even know where we were headed. So how the hell had he managed to track us down and get here before we rushed back into space?

And that stopped me for another very split second. We were trapped on Wing with him.

I kicked back, trying to free myself, get my mouth uncovered, but he held on tight.

"Do you not recognize my voice? Shh, shh, that's all right. We haven't been formally introduced, after all. Just calm down. Calm down."

His voice was slick, soft. Like he was trying to calm a wild animal. I grabbed his arm, but I didn't have any leverage in the middle of the air. I cursed underneath his hand and tried to twist away.

"Stop, stop. I'll have to punish you if you keep this up!"

Instead of listening, I grabbed his wrist with both arms and twisted as hard as I possibly could. My mouth was finally freed. "Enemy attack!" I snapped out, shouting the vital piece of information. This time is was my assailant who cursed.

"Sleep for now, love. I'll take care of everything."

I kicked him, but he grabbed my wrist and tucked me straight back into his arms, and as soon as he had me the plunge of a needle caught in my upper arm. "Drugs!" I shouted, and managed to chop at the syringe, cutting it. Liquid splashed through the air and floated beside me.

"Duo!" Heero's voice shouted into the room just before the door opened. Heero stood outlined in the door jamb, his gun aimed straight ahead. Whoever my baddie was, he grabbed the needle in my arm and pulled it out. I grabbed his hand before he could use the needle as a weapon. "Let him go!"

"Absolutely not. I'll never hand him over to any of you, traitors to his love."

I twisted my neck, trying to see him. His arms were lithe, tanned. He wore a silk shirt; I could easily feel the slide of it against me. I twisted his wrist, heard the snap. He let go of the needle.

"Stop, love," he whispered, and grabbed me right back into his arms. The next second, we fell to the floor. Heero and him landed evenly, but his arm around my chest held me about an inch or two off the ground. He grunted at the effort of holding me.

"Let him go. He obviously doesn't want to be with you." Heero edged closer, slowly coming into the room.

"Fool." The man's good arm moved behind him. I touched my toes to the ground and grappled for a footing. The sound of a gun clicked next to my ear. "I will never give him up. Not to anyone."

I took what leverage I had and pulled. Thank god; it was enough. Mr. Crazy flipped over my back. A gunshot sounded, then two more in quick, rapid succession, and then a whirring gear could be heard.

I looked up in shock. Heero's eyes met mine just before the door slid seamlessly closed.

"Fuck!" I shouted. There was a safety mechanism; an automatic precaution placed in every ship these days. The door would react to a breach in the keypad and lock shut. After that, the keypad wouldn't open the door; only someone from the inside could open the damn door, and only by pressing the button by the door. Just in case there was something dangerous outside the room.

But the 'something dangerous' was inside! With me!

"Duo!" Heero shouted, and another gunshot informed me that Heero was trying to reverse what my lunatic did; the keypad on this side of the door was shooting sparks.

"Fuck!" I said again, and turned to face my admirer. He was fairly old, probably around thirty. Tanned skin, hawk-shaped eyes, hazel irises. Thin lips. Dark, dark brown hair. Lithe. "What the hell is your problem?!" I hissed. He wasn't cradling his right hand, despite the fact that both his first finger and wrist were broken.

I watched as he took out another syringe, but this one was placed into his right wrist. He released half of it into the inured area. "I understand why you're afraid, love. You've learned not to trust anyone. But I'm here to save you. You don't need to fear me." He took out the syringe, moved it to his first finger and repeated the earlier process, emptying the syringe's contents. "My name is Troit."

"Troit?" I echoed. Weird name. Easy to find in databases if it was real. "What the hell are you doing on my ship?"

Troit stretched out his right hand and curled his fingers. As I watched him twist his wrist, I felt my eyes widen ridiculously. Maybe I'd imagined it, but I hadn't seen any pain in Troit's face. Had he... just healed himself? Then I mentally shook myself. Most likely he'd just numbed himself from the pain.

"I came to save you," he said seriously.

How long would it take me to reach the button next to the keypad? It would definitely take a while, and this guy was fast. Turning my back on him would be stupid. Especially until I learned what he was capable of and what all he wanted.

More, I could hear Heero and Wufei working to take down the door from the outside. I would stall a little longer. "Save me from what? I don't need saving – I can take care of myself perfectly well on my own."

"But you don't have to anymore, love. I'm here. I can save you from them." He nodded toward the door. "I can save you from everyone. You will never feel hurt again."

It took a deep breath to control my reactions. "I don't want to be saved from them."

"Yes." He strode forward, seemingly confident that I wouldn't hurt him. Where he found the confidence for such a thought, I would never know. "You want to take care of it all yourself. But you don't need to. Don't you see? I'm here now."

And the bastard opened his arms wide. Like he was waiting for me to jump into them.

I eyed his gun. It still sat, now loose, in the man's left hand. Though he didn't have it aimed at me, I knew he'd be ready to shoot me in an instant. And the whine of metal told me Heero was trying to open the door with force. The freak. "Maybe you don't understand. I __want__ to be with Heero and Wufei."

He didn't bother to answer that one. He just turned his eyes to the door. "I know you believe what you say. That's why I must save you."

"Really. You don't say." When he stepped forward again, I took a careful step back. I had no idea what this man wanted, but I was certain what he wanted entailed catching me. He was quiet, able to be in a room with me without my noticing. Strong. Fast.

"You still need to be punished," the man said. Like he'd actually forgotten those bullshit words from earlier. "And you will attempt to fight me. You must sleep."

I bared my teeth and crouched. The sharp groaning got a bit louder; Heero was doing his best to get to me. I had to take this guy's gun before Heero got in. Before he could turn it on all of us. Talking any more would be a waste of time.

I slipped to the side and hopped onto the bed. Using the springs, I leaped to my left, charging for the man. He easily hopped back and avoided the attack, but instead of pulling his gun on me, he flipped it back and holstered it in his pants, clicking the safety back on.

That's right. He wouldn't hurt me.

With minimal effort I pushed off of my landing and leaped forward again, going for the man's jacket, where I'd seen him pull out his syringe.

Troit spun away from me and reached into that jacket of his. I didn't wait to see what he would pull out. All I could do was kick out and follow after him when he dodged once more.

"I want nothing to do with you, freak," I told him, trying to get him to __fight__ me. "You're just some loser who gets off on messing with braided guys." I chased after him, punching for all I was worth. The man was like a freaking piece of paper, always moving in a way I didn't expect. "I'll stick with Heero."

The man frowned, but this time he didn't say anything in response. He just finished pulling out that syringe of his and held it up. He even fucking looked away to double-check the fucking thing. "I'll get you to sleep," he murmured, catching those hazel eyes on mine. "And when you wake up, you will understand."

Son of a bitch but this man was annoying. He wasn't the only psycho I'd had to deal with, but he was definitely the first who turned his lunacy on me.

With the gravity back on, I was able to drop to the floor and roll my leg out, trying to trip. He jumped back, pushed off of the bed, and rebounded straight toward me. I had to roll back to avoid him.

When I'd wanted him to fight me, I hadn't wanted him to attack with drugs. I should have fucking known.

I had to push off of the floor again as he followed me. Then all I could do was dodge to the side, then again. His hand was moving fast, twisting around, his hand like a snake's head, the syringe constantly ready to plunge as soon as it met flesh. I followed the hand with my eyes, but I couldn't keep its movements in my head long enough to figure out where the hand would go next. I couldn't take the chance on grabbing it and being wrong.

"You're good," I panted.

"For you," he whispered, and the response took me aback. He attacked immediately, sensing more than seeing the sudden weakness. I barely managed to dodge.

"Consider yourself dumped, pal," I managed. He'd already gotten a little bit of drug into my system, and I could feel it slowing down my body by that tiniest degree. And all the adrenaline pumping through my body couldn't change the fact that my elevated heartbeat was pushing the drug through my system even faster. I cursed.

"Not yet," Troit said. "Not yet. I'll show you how strong I am – how I can protect you."

"With drugs?" I panted, but he was already moving.

I had to duck to the side to avoid his attack, since the wall was too close to my back, and I slid around and kicked at him. He hopped back, then straight back forward again. It was like a dance, one where neither partner was giving up dominance. Neither of us got a hit in, and the groaning of the door got louder and louder until it turned into a squeal.

"I'm running out of time," Troit murmured. Then, impossibly, his speed picked up.

And I lost sight of him.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, and his breath was on my ear. I spasmed away, but he gripped my arm and a familiar plunge made me gasp. The shock of pain told me that he'd specifically aimed for a nerve, and pain lanced up my arm. It slowed me just long enough for him to successfully squeeze in the drug.

"Fuck!" I snapped, then shouted, "I've been drugged!" to the others trying to get inside.

I very distinctly heard a panicked curse.

I managed to twist myself away and pulled out the needle, brandishing it as a weapon. But now Troit seemed more than content to wait. As if his entire purpose had been to knock me unconscious. So I wouldn't interfere in the upcoming fight? I cursed again. Fuck. He'd wanted this.

I could almost __feel__ the drug in my system, slowing me down, cutting off my adrenaline. I took a deep breath, clenched my fingers until my nails bit deep into my skin. My focus sharpened.

The squeal rose a bit more in volume, and then a sharp bang. "Yuy, we're in!"

And thank God, thank God but back-up arrived.

"Duo!" Heero immediately shouted, and he moved to get beside me.

And then Troit was moving toward me, and I could only stumble back. He ignored me, though, and threw a hand between Heero and me.

"I won't let you hurt him anymore."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The bastard who had drugged me was telling Heero not to hurt me? What the fuck was that all about?

I bit my lip until it bled, forcing myself to stay aware. With a quick step, I wrenched forward and grabbed the man's gun away from him. He turned in reaction, grabbed me up and wrenched my wrist back. On a sharp cry, I dropped both the gun and my makeshift weapon and became a hostage in one quick movement.

His hand caught my throat, and I felt my own hands shake. Shit.

Not on my own fucking ship!

"Duo!"

"Maxwell!"

"The two of you must die," Troit said, his hand not quite clenching my throat too hard, but corded in a way to show he __could__ strangle me. "For not being able to protect my love."

* * *

* * *

It pained me to admit it, even if it was only to myself, but his drug, whatever the fuck it was, was definitely starting to work.

"Maxwell, status," Wufei murmured. Heero looked too pissed and scared to speak.

"Bad," I managed. My eyes fell to the gun on the floor, but it was too far away. Both a good and bad thing. I couldn't get it, but neither could Troit.

"Hurry and sleep, love," Troit whispered, pressing his lips to my ear. I tugged my head away.

Things were getting fuzzy and difficult to make out. I clenched my fists again, but it didn't do much. So I only had one thing I could do, and that would be to get myself loose from this bastard's clutches before he decided to do something to someone.

"Let go of him," Heero finally managed. "If you loved him, you wouldn't hurt him like this."

"Oh? Like __you__ didn't hurt him, hiding the truth from him?"

Heero flinched violently.

"Hey, fucker!" I snapped, and I grabbed at his wrist. It was the same one I'd broken before, but I couldn't feel any break now. I had no idea exactly what that meant, but I __did__ know that I had to stop this conversation from even starting. "That's a little different from drugging and strangling me. Let me the fuck __go__!"

"I'll explain everything later, love," he promised. "After I kill them."

"No, dammit!" I reached around for his waist, prepared to toss him to the side, but he merely lifted my head up higher and pressed another syringe into my neck. I screamed at the pain of it.

" _ _Duo__!"

"Now, hold still, love," Troit said calmly. "You, too, traitors."

He hadn't released whatever injection sat inside, but I had no doubt that he would. Would it kill me? But I didn't think he would have something that lethal for me. But slicing it straight into my carotid artery... I'd be down like an elephant. And if it was anything more than I could handle, it truly would kill me, whether this man meant it to or not.

What the hell could I do in this situation? I was the one being trumped, and by some psycho who thought he and I were supposed to be a couple. Like hell.

My one primary concern was the damn syringe in my throat. If I could just break it, snap it off or out, then Heero and Wufei could take care of the rest. I would just need to get the fuck away. Could I do that? I took quick inventory, even as Wufei and Heero were ordered to drop their weapons. Eyesight was down. So was reaction time. My body felt heavy.

So. I just wouldn't think about it.

I chopped up, moving as quickly as I could. Troit was faster, but I'd prepared for that and pulled back, putting the needle dangerously close to my carotid artery. He paused for that split second needed for my hand to smash into the syringe, thus breaking a second one. I grabbed this needle and ripped it out, blatantly ignoring the splurt of blood that squirted all over the room. I stabbed back.

Troit jumped away, and I took the chance to turn away from his hand and duck down.

And that would be when my knees buckled.

Heero was already moving forward, even as Wufei shot at Troit. I struggled to get my feet under me, but things were tilting in odd directions and my head started to seriously hurt. I clutched the needle fragment until the cut glass sank into my palm. The extra adrenaline would numb any extra drug that slipped into my bloodstream.

"Duo, are you all right?!"

It was a stupid question, one that showed more than anything just how distracted Heero was. "Yeah," I told him. "Not in too much danger. But I can't fight."

"Yuy," Wufei gritted out. Another gunshot sounded, then one more. I turned and grimaced. Troit had gotten his gun back. Fuck.

"Help him," I ordered, and stumbled up, keeping low. I managed to hit the side wall of my room and tried to become as small and unobtrusive as possible.

I watched Heero and Wufei begin their dance. Heero took the side closest to me, carefully standing in front of me. Guarding me. It wasn't a good strategy; Wufei ended up having to compensate for it more often than not, dodging Troit's swift attacks. The only thing keeping Troit off of Wufei was Heero, and he was quickly running out of bullets.

I needed to get out of the room. I had to either leave... or become useful.

But my focus was wavering once again, and my limbs were so heavy and numbed that I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere. I wouldn't be useful, and I certainly wouldn't be escaping. With a little jerk, I slid the glass into my upper arm, traced an invisible line for about an inch. The adrenaline kicked in again, but it didn't really help my eyesight. I bit my injured lip, then finally called, "status?"

"Fine," Heero answered immediately.

"Clear," Wufei gritted.

And now that I knew their positions, I aimed at the blob that hadn't answered my call and threw my needle with everything I had. A soft hiss told me I'd hit my mark.

"Good," Wufei sighed. "You hit his arm."

Had he blocked it? In any case, it had managed to slow down one of his arms. That was one less limb to fear. I scooted to the entrance just as my vision lost even the blobs. Everything was just colors now, nothing but blues and reds and black. It was a good thing I'd painted my room like outer space. At least I had a vague idea about where the people were. They were where the swirls of color were brightest.

I could feel my heart thudding in my ears, hear my breath harsh and ragged between my lips. My fingers and toes were completely numb. I didn't want to pass out again; how many damn times in the past year had I fucking passed out? But I had a feeling it was only a matter of time. I had to be out of the way by then. I had to make sure Heero could move freely.

I couldn't tell where the bullets were flying, so I could only hope that Heero and Wufei had everything under control. I heard Heero curse; a magazine hit the floor. Heero had to reload.

On a gasp, I sat still. My back was limp against the wall. I'd opted to close my eyes and work by memory and feel, hoping against hope that I wouldn't be debilitating myself even further. I could hardly feel my hands. My feet might as well have been chopped off for everything I felt from them.

Well, fuck.

A normal person most probably would have been out cold by now. At least my body was used to poison. Maybe my use of strychnine had a sort of application here? I almost chuckled, but saved my breath. Probably not.

It was time to move again, before I decided I didn't have the strength to do it anymore. Wufei was shooting up a storm from his end, and I followed the sound of his gunfire in order to be sure I was moving toward the door instead of away from it. I couldn't really remember where Heero was anymore.

"Duo, are you all right?" I heard a new gunshot from a new area, coming toward me. After only a millisecond, I relaxed again. Troit wouldn't be coming after me. It was Heero.

"Nn-nn," I answered, almost too tired to answer. My arms were trembling with the effort of moving me; I couldn't trust my legs to move correctly, and I couldn't risk tripping Heero. I think I managed to move about an inch.

"Wufei, get to Duo."

"On it."

"Don't touch him!" Troit shrieked suddenly, and then I heard a pounding, a crack. Something flew by me just before something banged against a wall of my ship.

"Wufei!"

__Shit!_ _

I forced my eyes to open, but it was like a heroin addict's sort of view – blurred, shapeless images. Images that danced, that didn't make any sense. A headache pounded thick and heavy in the back of my head. My attempt to stand did nothing but make me fall sideways to the floor. My head hit the ground and my eyes closed again. I couldn't find the strength to open them.

"Duo's down!" Wufei hissed.

"Shit! Duo, hang on back there!"

I couldn't really understand the sounds. They were all very familiar – a bang, a thud, pings and voices. It took forever for me to categorize them. A bang – gunshot. A thud – someone falling. The pings were definitely clippings, and I could only guess that the voices were Heero's, Wufei's, and Troit's.

Then my mind fuzzed until I couldn't understand anything, and my ears just didn't seem to work at all anymore.

I fought against it with everything I had, everything I could possibly muster up. Everything. I fucking clung to consciousness like a goddamn vice. I was still in the range of fire. Still in the room. I trusted my hand to reach forward when I couldn't feel it, trusted it to clutch at the ground and pull me forward.

"He's not moving, Heero!"

"Shit! __Shit! Duo!__ "

* * *

I was almost afraid to wake up.

I was immediately aware of warmth surrounding me. Someone holding me. I kept my body as still as physically possible, kept my breathing even.

Who was I with? Heero... or Troit? If it was the latter, then I __had__ to escape. Were Heero and Wufei okay? Had they been hurt? What had happened after I had fallen to the drugs? Were they all right?

"I can hear your heartbeat accelerating."

My eyes didn't even open before I had grabbed around Heero's throat and grabbed onto him. "Heero – you're all-"

I stopped short at the hiss of pain.

Finally my eyes opened, just as I pulled back. There was blood all over Heero's shirt, on his jeans, on the floor. I covered my mouth and backed away. The smell was everywhere. I pulled my hand away and saw blood on my fingers.

"Heero – oh my God. What-"

"We're both all right." Heero gestured to my side; I turned my gaze and found Wufei leaning rather weakly against the wall. "Chest wound for me. Clavicle. Wufei took two, both to the same leg."

"Jesus," I murmured. My head was still spinning and light, warning me that the drug wasn't fully out of my system yet. "What happened?"

"He's still alive," Heero started. His own warning to me. "In the end, the room was too limited, and what with... complications, we decided to leave and regroup. He'll find a way in here eventually, but until then we rest."

At that, I looked around. We were in the cockpit, sitting on the floor of the ship. Heero and Wufei had grabbed the best possible place for us to hide out in, and must have specifically left to do so before they lost their chance. It had been a good choice, but we were in definite shit. I turned to hallway; it had been sealed. "You hacked into my ship's computer system."

"It was the only way," Heero said, like I was about to start a fight over the fact that he'd put the ship on lock-down with us in the cockpit and Mr. Psycho out there behind a half-foot of metal.

"I... need to get in emergency contact with the nearest radio station," I said, and struggled to get up.

"What?" Heero easily grabbed me and held me down, even with his wound. "You can do that?"

"Yeah. With a voice verification, they'll accept an emergency landing if I tell them the situation. Especially with Preventors on-board – you guys can get away with anything."

Wufei snorted from over in his little corner.

"Duo, the drug he gave you..."

"I dunno what it was, but it wasn't anything that would kill me. You saw him. He's crazy, but he's crazy __about me__. Which means he won't want to kill you. It's why he hasn't tried to shoot his way into this room."

"We know that." Heero turned away from me, glanced at the sealed lock. "Trust me when I say that we're both very well aware of that fact."

"Good," I grunted. I managed to pull myself up while he was distracted and dragged my sorry ass to the console. "Then I have to get in touch with the nearest colony."

"Can you?" Heero asked, coming up behind me.

"If one's in range," I answered. "If not... no."

"Let's hope one's in range," Wufei advised. I saw him shift his weight a bit and heard a pained hiss. I turned my head and watched him pull himself up onto his good leg. "I can't lie down forever. He's still back there."

"Thinking of a way to get in," Heero murmured.

I sent out a wave signal. "All right. How about you guys explain to me just what the hell it I you're talking about? What happened back there?"

"Maxwell, I believe I shall start by informing you that your room is a mess."

"Trashed," Heero confirmed, and I sighed. I'd expected it. "We'd been just barely holding him off when you collapsed. You were only about two-thirds of the way to the door, and even though you were sitting up against the wall..."

"We really couldn't take the chance that we'd lose you," Wufei finished. The wave picked up a faint signal to the left of the ship. I cut off the autopilot and turned the ship. "The man was fast, like mercury. He could dance away from our bullets, even with such a tiny space available to him. It was ridiculous. Yuy and I were both running low on ammo and time. We decided to make our break for it, grabbed you up and ran here."

"And that's when you got injured," I finished.

"Yes. He chased after us and managed to hit Wufei's leg. He must not have believed he hit it – Wufei didn't fall." Heero came up beside me and looked at the grid that was flowing up. "So he shot him again, aiming for the same spot."

"The artery?"

"Yes. He managed to dodge."

I took the chance to breathe a sigh of relief. "And you?"

"Wufei was the one who'd grabbed you, so he went over to the other side of the room while I held the man off. He managed to get this bullet in just before Wufei got through your security system. He screamed for you, Duo." Heero looked at me. "He screamed your name like you would wake up and go to him."

I shivered. "And I'll bet the freak believes I would have if I hadn't been unconscious."

"Maxwell, do you recognize him from somewhere?"

I shook my head, even as I sent out an emergency signal. "Hell, no. Never before in my life. Command? Command for Colony J8, come in, please. Colony J8, please come in. This is ship, code number X-09342-KG. Colony J8, do you read me?"

"This is Colony J8. We read you, X-09. Please state your name and security pass code."

"My name is Captain Duo Maxwell. My pass code is Shinigami 6336."

"Thank you, Captain. Voice verification, please."

I sighed. Why couldn't they do the damn verification while I stated my fucking name and pass code? "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

There was a short pause while they apparently scanned the voice traits. "I really don't know the man. I don't even know how he knows me. Maybe from back when we won the war? We were all mini-celebrities then. But afterwards, I was pretty low-profile."

"You never met him on a trip out-bound?" Wufei asked.

"No. I didn't meet him __once__. Not even when I worked with Hilde or the Sweepers."

"So how the __hell__ did he learn about you? He couldn't have been following you all this time; he would have gone after you sooner." Heero looked back at the locked hall again.

"That isn't summarily true," I said.

"Voice verification acquired, Captain. What is your message?"

"I have a stowaway on board. He has attacked both me and my two passengers, both of whom are Preventor agents. We have multiple shots fired on-board."

"All right, Captain. I will need the names and ID's of the agents on-board."

I sent Heero over to my spot and went to help Wufei do the same. Heero listed out his rank and number, then sent over his own voice verification while I listened. I hadn't even known that Preventor's voice verification was available, but I really should have. It sounded like something that crazy Une would do.

"What do you mean, it's not quite true?" Wufei asked. He didn't wince as I practically carried him forward, but the lack of assistance told me about his pain.

"I mean I only got into a relationship recently."

We arrived beside Heero, who had frozen up like a statue, and Wufei just said his name and code as quickly as he could.

"Voice verification, please."

Wufei just finished giving his own version of dogs and foxes when a horrific grinding noise started behind the air lock.

"Oh, fuck me," I murmured. Then I slammed the console and left Wufei to hold himself up. "Get Une!" I screamed. "Get Commander Une!"

I wouldn't be able to hear anything our little Verification Man said, so I just turned off the signal and glared at the door. There were emergency laser guns placed around the ship. It was a recommended precaution, just in case the air locks all fell down and blocked you from the cockpit. It was possible; it had happened before. I only had two, one in the galley and the other in my room.

I cursed very, very loudly.

"How long?" Heero demanded, turning to the lock, as well. He pulled out his gun.

"I don't know. The estimated time is five minutes."

"And how far away is the colony?"

"About twenty minutes," I told them.

I couldn't hear Wufei's response, but I could guess it.

* * *

* * *

"We have a breach!" I shouted, pounding at the keypad to let me into the mini-storage facility that housed my weapons. I needed to hack into my own baby's mainframe to disable the locking mechanism on that space.

"Captain, can you please repeat your statement-"

"We have a breach!" I shouted, louder this time, trying to be heard over the screeching of the laser against metal. "A fucking breach, you hear me?! This guy's entering the cockpit!"

"Duo," Heero called.

"Hold on, dammit!" I hissed, almost mistyping a word in my haste. "Hold on. Almost, almost..." I almost squealed with glee when the hiss of the hatch opening told me I'd succeeded. "There! Grab whatever you can," I ordered, moving over to the storage to do just that. I grabbed three of the eight automatics and flung one of them on my shoulder. "Heero, Wufei!" I turned, but both of them were already moving toward me. I grabbed a combat machete and slipped out of their way.

Heero came out with two more of the automatics and the last pistol while Wufei grabbed the three automatics left. "Nice stash here, Maxwell," he shouted, smirking and playing with his pistol. "Do I even need this now?"

"No," Heero answered smartly.

"Oh, shut up and be grateful," I yelled. I flipped them off.

And of course, that would be when Troit finally managed to break through the metal and bust down the last of the locked passageway.

"Stay back!" I ordered Heero and Wufei, taking a place in front of the two of them. I picked up both my pretty little Uzi's and blasted as much as I possibly could. Troit moved like fucking mercury, faster than I could imagine. I cursed resoundly.

He did a dive and roll and pounce from the ground over to my left and out of my immediate range. Troit completely ignored me, just like I thought he would, and went after Heero. It was like watching one of those old shows, one where someone would literally disappear for an instant and reappear somewhere closer to the screen. By the time I had turned around, Heero had already engaged the man.

Wufei was doing the same, his own Uzi's pulled up in each hand.

I wondered vaguely what dispatch thought of all this.

"Duo, duck!" Heero called, and I did so without thinking about it. Heero shot after the man as he ran around me to Wufei.

I slid my foot out and pulled out my machete. "Cease!" I shouted, and sliced up and out.

Troit bent backwards, but his chest split open before he managed to flip away. He flipped onto the wall and rebounded off it, aiming for Wufei. I cursed and flipped the machete back, bringing up my Uzi again.

It was chaos. My mind slowly stopped picking up everyone's movements and just started reacting. I got into my focused Shinigami position and watched as the world slowed. Wufei was over to my right, Heero behind me and slightly to my left. Troit was directly behind me.

The man was fast. Strong. And obsessed with me. It was all I knew, yet I'd already seen his methods and a few of his moves. Without my mind lagging long enough for my consciousness to keep up with it, I could react correctly without having to piece the knowledge together. I put one of the Uzi's on my back and pulled the machete out again.

Then the dance began.

Wufei and Heero were both shooting at Troit, more to keep him at a safe distance than for any other reason. I went low, consciously reminding myself that I needed this man alive if I was going to get some answers, and swung while Wufei and Heero kept the man busy.

Troit followed my movements, eyes flashing down, and suddenly he was sweeping a foot back – my machete sliced through his left leg, but he'd already switched his weight to his right and he just completed his spin, even as his blood spurted from the severed veins and his left leg from his calf down just dropped.

The man didn't even fucking flinch.

And then Troit slipped into the final part of his spin, something I hadn't predicted but should have – he knelt down behind me and wrapped his arms around me, one around my lower chest and one playing lightly against my throat.

"Baby," he murmured, his breath brushing against my ear, "how could you?" And while my battle-stuck mind attempted to figure out just what the hell kind of offensive maneuver this was, the man managed to flip out a switchblade and press it to my throat. I fucking groaned then in irritation. Back to square one.

But Wufei shot off another round, aiming for the man's head, and Troit had to swing us both around to avoid the bullet.

"Fucking hell," I heard Heero murmur.

"How could you?" Troit murmured again, and I was just fucking __done__.

"Because I want you __dead__ ," I hissed. I reached my head around and stared at him. The man was looking at me with shock written all over his nondescript features and I snarled right in his face. "I want you to disappear."

His face would have been priceless if not for the situation; he looked at me like one might the grim reaper. But his blood was pooling beside me and sinking deep into my pants and Wufei and Heero had their guns trained on the man – on me. I literally got to watch as the news finally sank in, as his features changed from disbelief to sorrow to outrage. I grabbed the man's hands and attempted to pull them away from me, but then he was moving, standing and forcing me to stand, as well, throwing me momentarily off-balance.

"You can't," he hissed, his teeth bared. He looked almost wild. "You can't." It became a mantra as he waved the arm that had been around my chest. The signs of insanity were finally starting to break through, and he was shooting the entire damn room. I reached up, managed to change the directory before he destroyed the main console. And while Heero and Wufei dodged, he pulled me out of the cockpit.

"Duo! Dammit!"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I snapped, hoping to get a reaction. If he would only react again, I'd be able to use that tiny fraction of a second and get my ass free. And then I'd be able to cut off his fucking arms, too.

It was strange how the man could pull me back with one leg nothing more than a bleeding stump, but fuck if he didn't pull it off. He was quick about it, too, pulling me into the guest room and locking the door. I tried to trip him up, but he just tossed me down, ripping the Uzi's harshly from my back. I rolled to dodge just as the clunk of the guns landing sounded in my ears. A ricochet shot embedded itself in the wall that led to the other bedroom.

"Love, how could you?"

My eyes shot up to his. He was hopping toward me. I pulled up my last Uzi and aimed it for his face. A grapple ensued as we both fought for control of the weapon. Troit ended up using my position lying on the bed to his advantage, leaning down and placing his chopped-off knee right on my groin. My grip pretty much died as I gasped and jerked in instinctive reaction. He took my damn machete while I grabbed at his knee to move it.

"There," the man gasped, his face slightly sweaty. "Now we can be together."

"Hell, no!" I shouted, and scooted back. The man's blood was all over me, staining the covers of the bed. I swore that if I got out of this __completely__ unscathed, I would pay top-dollar for replacements.

"Duo. My love." The man leaned completely on the bed, grabbed my upper arms. I reached my lower arms up, into the space between his, and pushed them away from my body. The bastard just grabbed the bed covers on each side with a reaction time swifter than wind and leaned his chest on mine. "I've waited so long. Patiently... believing that one day you would find me-"

"Don't bother," I snapped. "I'd chosen Heero a long time ago."

"Then choose me __now__ ," the man pressed. His hazel eyes pressed into mine. "I will save you. I __can__ save you. From now on, I will be here to protect you."

"I think you're missing an important point, buddy." I struggled to get my hands and legs out from underneath him so I could fucking __fight__. "You're a cripple now."

"That can be taken care of," he promised, his voice breathy, fast. Desperate? "I'm here now. Those fools who couldn't protect you-"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" I finally demanded, tired of hearing it. "What the hell didn't they manage to protect me from? I didn't know they even needed to!"

"I know you want to save yourself, love. Just listen. Listen to me." The man reached one hand underneath of him, laying it heavily on my chest. The other hand slid up and cupped my cheek. I snapped my head away, but he just followed after me, pushing my bangs off of my face. It felt like a lover's touch. A new fear started burning in my chest. "I took care of you. When they didn't even bother to care about you, I saved you. Because I love you. Do you understand? My brother tried to kill you, but I sent him to someone else. Someone different."

I had no idea what in five hells this man was talking about, and I wasn't in the mood to try to figure out what an insane man could possibly mean. "That's nice. Get the fuck off of me."

"Not until you understand," Troit persisted, that hand of his playing along my brow, then down along my jaw.

A pounding at the door sounded. It made me smile. Apparently no matter how many doors this bastard attempted to erect, Heero and Wufei would be willing to tear them down. My poor Demon's Wing was taking abuse.

"How the fuck could I possibly understand? You're crazy!"

"No. No, I'm not crazy. The doctors said my brain's neuron functions were phenomenal, but that they overworked the amygdala and some other minor parts of the mind," the man told me. He sounded excited. Like a child. "They told me that it was a small price to pay for the power I would receive."

"Well right now it's looking like a fortune," I muttered. But my mind whirled. Doctors? Power? If his neurons were firing at a rapid pace without producing stroke or organ failure, then he might actually be right – being crazy, to some, might not be as bad as death. "Get off of me. This has nothing to do with me."

"But you're wrong, don't you see? You're my destined one. You and I were raised by the same father."

"I had no father, you psycho!" I dug my feet into the bed and pushed for all I was worth. Of course he didn't budge. I arced my back, but only managed about an inch before Troit's strength pushed me back down.

"Shh, shh. That's where you're wrong. Don't you see? G was our father. He was our father."

I froze. The breath in my lungs whooshed out in shock. G? This man knew G?

"He taught me... so many things-"

"I __knew__ it!" The really __were__ the gods of pestilence. Even __dead__ they had to make my life difficult. "That son of a bitch!"

"You and I were both chosen," he said, leaning down on me so hard I had trouble catching my breath. "We were chosen by him. As soon as he chose you to go down in Deathscythe, I understood what he was telling me. I was supposed to protect you. So I did. I followed you everywhere you went, made sure you were okay. I was the one who leaked out your location in the holding cell to the press, the one where your little Heero came to get you. I was the one who saved Une after she had been shot, believing she could help you some day." Troit leaned down and pecked my cheek as I tried to digest it all. "I was always there, in the shadows. Protecting you."

"What – how did you – wait a fucking minute! Stop touching me!"

I wrenched my head away as he leaned down again and shoved as hard as I could. He hardly bucked.

I heard Heero's voice through the door and knew he and Wufei weren't going to be outside for long. Troit's fingers were playing up and down my face, touching my lips. But his efforts to hold me down were stopping him from going any further.

I needed more information.

"You say you've __always__ been there. Then what's that about your brother? Why was he after me? What happened?"

Troit's hand hesitated against my chin. And then he beamed at me and trailed those fingers down my neck. Shit. He must have taken my question for interest in __him__. "He was trained by a doctor, too. I don't know which. But he thought he should have been sent instead of who was chosen. He didn't understand the doctors' intentions. They needed someone who could stop the war. That man wasn't strong enough. I kept him away during the war, with help from the others."

Others? Shit. There were more?

"But after the war, the others thought that their work was done, and we all separated. And he went after all of you, taking the chance to hunt you all down. He'd heard how you'd left the others and wanted to hurt you. I protected you," the man said. He leaned down to kiss me again. All I could do was turn my head away. I didn't want his lips on mine.

"What do you mean?"

"I found someone. A guy. He looked okay, I suppose. Not as beautiful as you. But his face structure was similar." I winced as he repositioned himself; his arm was digging painfully into my chest. "I seduced him. Please don't be angry. I never had sex with him. I never did anything more than kiss him. Touch him a little. He let me buy him hair extensions when I told him I liked men with long hair. And all I had to do was tell him I loved the color purple to get him to put in contacts." He fingered my neck as if memorizing it. "Dracul thought he'd killed you, my love."

The door clanged open then, and Troit shuffled up and off of me-

"Shoot to kill," I said. It was difficult to raise my voice enough to be heard.

Both shot before I even finished saying the words.

Troit jumped back, but Heero seemed ready for such a reaction and fired without waiting to see in which direction Troit would go. I struggled back, scooting away while keeping myself low, and I couldn't help but look at Heero's eyes. They weren't the eyes of the Perfect Soldier. They were far too furious for that.

Troit fumbled for a split second, wobbled precariously on his one leg. It was more than enough time for Heero's bullet to sink deep into his flesh.

I watched rather disinterestedly as Troit fell, blood spraying all over the damn room. He fell ontot he bed, then slipped off and fell with a bang to the floor.

"Duo!"

"Maxwell, are you all right?"

Their footsteps raced in tandem over to me, and when they stopped they both knelt carefully beside me.

"Is he dead?" I asked.

Wufei was the one to turn away from me and check, and only when he confirmed that Troit was dead did I try to get up from the bed. Heero reached out and put his arm around me, helping me balance.

It should have been... flashier. More important. This Troit man's death should have hit me the same way his words had. In a way that made it impossible to ever forget. But his death had looked just like the death of so many others. Those who had come before him.

I turned to Heero just as he was about to echo Wufei's question. "We have to find someone. We have to..." I grabbed my head. "I have to find a man named Dracul. I have to know..."

"Dracul?" Heero repeated. I didn't understand his tone. He sounded... pissed. "Where did you hear that name, Duo?"

"He said it. He said he used a civilian to trick a man named Dracul. He said... he said a lot of things." I took a deep breath, then another. "A man named Dracul. And did you know those doctor bastards had made a few predecessors before being content with us? I __knew__ those bastards were the gods of pestilence, I fucking __knew__ it."

"Duo, slow down. I don't know about much of what you're saying. We can figure all of that out later. But you can at least rest assured about Dracul."

I cocked my head, my head whirring too fast for me to be anything more than slightly interested. "I can rest assured?"

"Yes, that's right." Wufei returned to my side and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You said that he tricked the man? It makes sense."

Heero sat us both back down on the bed, heedless of the blood. Apparently my lack of enthusiasm was concerning. He rubbed my back in circles. "We've heard the name Dracul before. He was the one I told you about, Duo."

My brain whirred. "Which one?"

"The one who said he'd killed you."

* * *

* * *

The warning alarm made all of us jump.

I stood up rather shakily, but refused Heero's offer to land on the colony for me. I was the only one without injuries. I wouldn't hurt myself messing with the console while docking.

We all dragged ourselves back to the cockpit, passing through two emergency lock doors that had been cut through. I touched the hull and murmured a quiet little apology to my Wing. Then we all sat in our chairs and buckled up, with Heero taking his now-usual shotgun seat and Wufei lying quietly behind me. I flashed through the information on the screen and it was a good thing I was so damn used to flying because I never consciously studied those graphs and charts. All I noticed was that despite the damage, my Wing was doing fine, and didn't that look like I needed to scoot to the left?

Heero accommodatingly turned on my battle music.

"So," I asked, finally breaking the silence as I positioned Wing into the holding bay's anchoring system. "What do we say about the artillery?"

"We don't," Wufei piped up from the back. "We'll let them assume what they want. If they want to hold us accountable for using weapons that saved out lives, they can kiss our asses. Commander Une will back that up."

I nodded. The click of the anchors sounded on either side, and the light on my console flashed green. I had the computer start scanning the area for bodies and leaned back. "Thanks for getting to me, you guys," I finally murmured to them. I slanted Heero a glance. It was interesting to see Heero's surprised face. Totally worth it.

"Maxwell, are you attempting to give us one of your rare warm fuzzies when I am in too much pain to properly appreciate it?" Wufei demanded from the back.

I chuckled tiredly. "Yes."

Mr. Troit the Psycho Stalker had given me quite a bit of information. About his reasons for stalking me. About who he was and what he'd done.

Had he been telling me the truth? I couldn't imagine that he'd been lying – he'd believed every single word that had fallen from his lips. If I sifted through the insane parts and paid attention to only the snippets of received information, maybe it was true. About G. About how he saved Une. About why he believed he and I were meant to be. About... about this Dracul man.

Troit had said that Dracul had been 'raised' by one of the other doctors. That was two. That meant there were three unaccounted for. But who? What did they want? Troit had said that they'd all worked behind the scenes during the war to keep the five who'd been chosen safe. What about after the war? Where did they all go? Were they going to become dangers, too?

"Well?" Wufei asked expectantly, pulling me back to the present.

"Stop rushing it." I let the scanner work, let Wing get placed into position in the bay. Let everything take care of itself for once. "Thank you, guys."

"Duo, did something happen? I mean, something more than-"

"Heero, that could very well be taken as an insult."

Heero hesitated. " _ _Did__ something happen?"

I rolled my head over to look at him. "I am insulted. No. Nothing else happened."

Although, that wasn't quite true. Before the psychotic amount of shit that played out, I'd had a major epiphany about myself. Something about my emotions – more to the point, my depression – and how it had originated solely from me and couldn't be blamed on anyone else. Yeah. Something like that.

I smiled. If nothing else, I'd found out something very important about myself. And now I was a bit stronger for it. If only emotionally. "Once this place is scanned and found clear, we'll dock off and get Une to come get us. I don't know about either of you, but I just don't feel like flying this ship. Sorry, baby," I said as an afterthought, patting my Wing. "It's not your fault, I swear."

"Well, I certainly don't want to fly anything," Wufei said.

"I agree." Heero lightly touched his collarbone. I took a closer look at it and winced. At some point, the bastard had forced it back into place. Or close enough. "Besides, the two of us are injured and you were drugged with an unknown narcotic. We don't want you doing anything until you've been properly tested."

I rolled my eyes. "Aye aye."

"For once, you listen to your first mate." Heero unbuckled himself and went to Wufei. "How are you doing?" he asked his partner, and I tuned in for highlight words. Then I let my brain drift.

I would have to repaint a large portion of my ship __again__. What a pain in the ass. The man's leg had been abandoned on the floor, and due mostly to sheer laziness the thing had been left loose to slide around at its whimsy. It had left some interesting blood pools.

Then there was the blood in my bedroom, along with the blood in the guest room and of course, let's not forget the cockpit and its interesting blood pools. And I was pretty certain that Troit had been kind enough to lead a bloody trail down the corridor, as well. The bastard had ruined all our hard work.

And then there was the damage to the doors. Both of the bedrooms' doors were completely destroyed. Decimated. Then there were the emergency locks, of which two had been carved up quite crudely.

All of the repairs would put my ass in the red. Especially since I was pretty damn sure that I wouldn't be getting paid for any of this. Hell. I would have to get straight back to work. And that would mean leaving Heero, which I highly doubted would go over smoothly. I was entering a third dimension of hell.

The screen bleeped out a message, and I snapped forward in response.

"Duo?" Heero asked. His eyes turned to scan the screen as I did. "Shit."

"We have guests," I said grimly.

"How many?" Wufei demanded. He sat up, as well. Heero quickly helped him unbuckle, even as I did the same. My eyes ran through the analyses of the individuals. "Two. Wait – they're showing us something. They don't look hostile." I pulled up a visual. Two men were standing in front of the port entrance, both looking more like petty thugs with high-class equipment than anything else. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Looks like patrol to me."

"Captain Maxwell, please confirm."

"Hey there, man! Dude, glad to hear your voice." It was the same guy I'd spoken to earlier. "Hey, did we give you heart attacks? I sincerely apologize. This is Captain Maxwell of the vessel X-09342-KG. Code is Shinigami 6336. We need medical assistance as soon as possible. And a body bag."

"A body bag, sir?" The boy sounded more than a little distraught. "Sir, I need a voice verification."

"Ah. Sure. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." Wufei was standing on his good leg now, balancing on it and checking an Uzi he'd apparently decided he would land with. "The body bag is for the man who'd attacked us while on-board."

"A-Ah. Very well, then, sir. We have two escorts prepared to take you over to our emergency hospital. It's a short trip."

I looked at Heero's collarbone and winced again. "Better make it fast. We're coming out to meet your escorts. Tell them to have their weapons down and ID's at the ready. We're not exactly willing to take any more risks."

"Aye aye, sir."

I turned off the transmission and watched as the guards lowered their guns and raised their ID's. I read them off the screen before ushering Heero to the door. Instead he watched over me as I wrapped one of Wufei's arms around my neck and supported his efforts to get to the door.

Wufei grunted in pain just past the first ruined emergency lock. "Thank you, Maxwell," he managed.

"Shut up" was my amicable reply.

* * *

We were all taken to a waiting car and promised that the cops would be immediately contacted. When I asked if Une had been called, I was assured that she had not only been told but was already on her way.

Heero and Wufei were both taken to surgery to repair their broken bones while I whisked away in order for the doctors to poke and prod at me for several hours. I was informed that there was a point to it all, but I started seriously doubting that after four needles had already successfully drained me of my precious blood. Which I preferred __inside__ my body, thank you.

I raised my hands on command, breathed as told, and generally tried to not get pissed off. I was still working off all the adrenaline, after all, and a lapse into Shinigami probably wouldn't be appreciated.

Then there was more waiting, this time alone, my legs kicking back and forth against the edge of the bed while I picked at the suck-ass hospital gown and looked vaguely around. The bed didn't have railings; at least I wasn't an invalid this time.

I raked a hand through the tangled mess of my hair, momentarily grateful that I hadn't let the nurses unbraid it all. Then, paranoia far too strong to ignore any longer, I glanced surreptitiously out the window.

I may not have been injured – but Heero and Wufei certainly had been.

My glance turned to the door. Were they okay? No news was usually good news; it meant the doctors were still working. Which meant Wufei may very well be able to walk again.

And it meant Heero was still alive.

I ran a hand over my face and shook my head violently. No. Just because Heero was in the hospital and was out of my immediate line of sight didn't mean he was on death row. He'd been fine on-board the ship. Perfectly fine.

Logically I knew that. My heart was the thing telling me __what if__. And my heart needed to learn when to shut up.

I needed to get my shit together. I didn't want my strongest memory of Heero to be that damn moment. What I __did__ want was a future with Heero. A good one. I needed to make sure I did everything I possibly could for that future.

Which meant I needed to shape up.

* * *

I was cleared of any lingering side-effects of my little drug excursion and received my clothes back as compensation. They really weren't worth it; they were so bloody and ripped it served absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

Thinking back on it, the end of the battle seemed a bit too anticlimactic after the whole debacle with Caribol. Shouldn't there have been a few more explosions? Maybe a laser battle, or an electric shock that lit up the entire ship.

Maybe I was paranoid, but it made me feel that this whole damn thing wasn't over. How could it be? There were three unknown people a helluva lot stronger than us doing who-knows-what. Zechs was messing around with things that we were unaware of, and just to top things off, my life was a little topsy-turvy. I was in the red, my ship needed repairs, Heero was injured and thus once again stuck in office detail – after, of course, he heals a bit – and my relationship with the guys was precarious.

Yeah. Life was getting really, really hard.

"Okay. One step at a time." I was back at the house, my old clothes in the trash and new clothes getting soaked by my wet hair. I was in the middle of braiding it as I thought. What could I do right now?

There was nothing to do about the threats to anyone's physical health at this moment, and there was nothing to be done about Zechs since I wasn't part of the Preventors.

I hissed out a breath as an idea popped straight into my brain. I had several problems, each of them centered around my own decisions the past three – almost four – years. Everything was my problem. So everything was my problem to deal with.

But this... this solution could solve quite a number of those problems. If I could make myself do it. Give up the only part of that past that I fell in love with.

I could do that. If it was for the things I'd fallen in love with after that.

I pressed the heels of my palms into my eye sockets until colors sparked. It wasn't like I hadn't sacrificed things before. And it wasn't as if I'd felt loss before.

More, I needed to do what I could.

Both my feet and hands were steady when I stood. Before I returned to Heero and Wufei, there were a few calls I needed to make.

* * *

"Maxwell, for the last time, I can fully manage to walk on my own. I have been given crutches."

"Are you positive? Because I'm going to have my hands full here." I pointed to indicate Heero, who had his arms crossed rather petulantly against his chest.

"Maxwell, do I need to remind you how many times __you__ were the one who needed assistance out of here?"

I cleared my throat. "Uh, no. Not really." Heero was smirking, dammit. I took the chance to lightly smack him on top of his head. "Har de har."

"It is rather hilarious," Wufei said, and he was smirking, too. Feeling rather happy despite everything, I flipped him off.

"Okay, both of you just shut up. I have to deal with taking your sorry asses back to my poor baby, and since I'm the only one in perfect health, I suggest you be a little more careful."

"Duo, I could still kick your ass."

I glared down at Heero. "Just try it, cripple."

"Hey. I am offended."

"Tough," I grinned, then turned at the familiar sound of heels clacking long and confident against the tile. I wheeled Heero around before the person arrived, knowing he wouldn't want her at his back. Wufei placed his crutches to the side and stood more firmly on his good foot.

Une's entrance was met with each of us completely prepared.

She went straight over to me, ignoring, for now, her wounded first-class Preventors. "What the hell happened, Maxwell? You told me you were secure!"

"I know." I waited for it; I'd known the woman would absolutely explode as soon as she found out, but it would only be inevitable and it was better to face the devil head on.

"You placed my officers in direct danger due purely by lack of proper precautionary measures! If you hadn't blatantly underestimated your enemy's abilities, you may not be where you are right now!"

"That's a lot of big words," I noted. She got so pissed I truly thought she'd pull her gun out on me.

"Duo Maxwell, goddamn you, I had just finished warning you of the dangers-"

"Commander," Heero tried.

"No. Not this time, Agent Yuy. Keep your mouth shut. It's a damn good thing that you're not one of my subordinates, or I'd have you on some serious probationary work."

I bit my cheek to keep myself from smiling. Good thing she didn't know what I was planning. "I can only apologize for everything again, Commander," I told her, trying the serious gig for a change. "I know very well just what my recklessness could have caused. But you should know as well as me that what had actually happened was beyond our ability to foresee."

"Oh? And what would these 'actual happenings' have been?" she pressed. The woman was shorter than me by a fair few inches, but she had me wanting to back up a few steps. Had this woman really needed to be saved by Troit?

"My stalker was my predecessor," I told her, and turned to Heero and Wufei. They had interesting faces – that surprised look again. I grinned outright. "I told you guys that the good ol' doctors were kind enough to have used others as guinea pigs before using us as the final products, but you said we should wait to speak about it."

"You did? They did?" Une took a step back and groaned as if she'd been sucker punched. A hand rose to pinch the bridge of her nose rather harshly. "Let me get this straight. You predecessor was  _ _also__ a Gundam pilot?"

"No." I watched as Wufei leaned against the wall of the hospital room and nodded. It was a good idea – the time it might take to explain everything could put a serious strain on his leg. "Not as far as I know, at least. He said we were the ones chosen to pilot the Gundams."

Une took on look outside the room and promptly shut the door. "So you mean to tell me that, what? They were rejected by the scientists?"

"In a word."

She held up a hand. "And he just... told you this?"

"He was all too willing when I asked," I answered. "The man truly was obsessed with me. He said that he'd been following me since I entered the war."

Wufei whistled, a deep, low sound that cut through Heero's... snarl? "That long," the Chinese man murmured. His eyes studied the floor for a moment. "If you had one, we can assume each of us did."

"He did mention others," I said. "And that Dracul guy. Troit – that's the stalker's name, Une – Troit said that he and Dracul were brothers. I don't think he meant blood brothers, though, because he said  _ _I__  was his brother, too."

"Slow down, Strike," Une said, and the use of my code name told me I was in the clear – for now. "Tell us what this Troit man said from start from finish, please."

So I told her everything he said practically verbatim. It was interesting; halfway through I stopped watching her more mundane absorption reactions and watched Heero. His face was much more expressive. Or maybe I was just used to reading it? In any case, his face roiled between worried tp pissed to panicked – when I recounted how he touched me – to assessing to – and here I got my own warm fuzzy – to practically homicidal when I recounted the part about the others.

"So you're telling me that this Troit saved my life?" Une demanded, completely floored by that little piece of information.

"That bastard set up a decoy," Wufei growled, still stuck on that particular tidbit.

"It's hard to say this," Heero murmured, his eyes still stoked by his earlier fury, "but... I don't know that I have it in me to be properly outraged about that."

Wufei's eyes cut into Heero's temple. "What are you saying, Yuy?" he hissed.

"If he hadn't," Heero said, his eyes flicking to me, "we don't know what would have happened. I'm not saying what he did was acceptable. I'm only saying that... there is one piece of the outcome he created that I... appreciate."

I stared at him. Heero? Black and white Heero? Had I just hallucinated that?

"Yuy, please. Spare me." Une rolled her temples and huffed a tight breath. "Maxwell, I am sorely tempted to label you a bio hazard."

"Why thank you," I responded dryly.

"I really don't think it was a compliment, Maxwell," Wufei piped up. But he was smiling.

"Hey," I piped up. "This is as good a time as any. I was wondering about something, Une."

Her eyes rolled over to mine, glaring out of the side of their sockets. "What is it now, Strike?"

I crossed my arms and cocked a Shinigami smile her way. "So... have you got any open spots in Preventors I could take? I happen to be looking for a job."

Her jaw just plain fucking dropped.

* * *

* * *

It was fairly priceless, really, if I took a step back and looked at it all objectively. Heero and Wufei both looked absolutely stunned, almost like I'd tasered them. And Une, bless her psycho soul, looked about ready to run for safety.

At the same time, I felt the need to stuff my hands in my front pockets and rock back a bit, a safe way of putting a little distance between us all without actually stepping away.

Every last one of them looked scared in some way. I tried to catalog it, really I did, but I didn't understand what I thought I saw. Une was what I thought to be both terrified and bereaved. Wufei looked like he'd swallowed a watermelon whole, while Heero had adopted a more... horror-stricken look.

Did any of those make any damn sense? No. No they did not.

And just when I was about to break the silence, desperate to make the faces at least change in countenance, pounding footsteps broke each of us from our musings and made us turn. Une whipped out her police-issue pistol while I crouched to the side of the door.

But the ones to burst through the door and into Wufei's hospital room were none other than Trowa and Quatre, both of them breathing hard. I cocked an eyebrow at them both and stood up straight once more. Une cursed lowly as she put away her gun.

"Duo!"

And a giant piece of blond fluff was suddenly glomping me around the waist. "Quatre, what're you guys doing here?" A hand automatically lifted to pat the guy on the head; he burrowed his face in my shirt as if to glue himself to me. I raised my head to silently send my query to Trowa.

The taller of the two was taking in the damage to Heero and Wufei. I didn't have to look over to see Heero's reaction to Trowa's scrutiny; I could easily feel the glare of death shooting laser beams over to Trowa. Heero wasn't being subtle in warning Trowa to leave me alone. I rolled my eyes. What was the overprotective idiot gonna do? Drop-kick him? I snorted at the thought.

"You seem to have needed our help," Trowa remarked dryly.

"You would have just gotten in our way, Barton," Wufei sniffed, but he seemed rather pleased about something.

"That might have been a good thing, by the looks of it." Trowa came over to me and barely touched Quatre's back. "Quatre? Are you all right?"

Quatre nodded against me, but his grip didn't loosen.

It was like being strangled by a teddy bear. "Come on, Qat. I'm fine. Completely unharmed. I was the lucky one this time."

"Duo. How many times is this going to happen?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm rather tired of it, too. That's why I'm sacking in my Wing."

Quatre pulled back, his eyes rather wide for someone who'd never done more than perhaps looked at the thing. "What?"

"I'm going to sell Wing." I sent an apologetic look to Heero and Wufei. "Even though we put so much work into her, it's just not a good idea to keep her when I wouldn't be using her anymore."

"Wouldn't use her anymore?" Quatre echoed, seeming rather dazed. "But Duo, you love that ship. And you work on her."

"Actually, I'm hoping Une will let my recent stupidity slide and sign me aboard her crew."

"It is not a 'crew,' Duo Maxwell," she huffed, but her gaze was more assessing than anything else. "You want to be an agent?"

I shook my head. "The last thing I need to do is go out on cases and invite more danger. No, that would be even stupider of me than this fiasco. It would be better for me to stay near HQ as much as possible. Having Preventors surrounding my name will make all but the strongest or craziest try to attack me, so I won't be as much of a walking target anymore. I'll have an income, which is a definite plus at this point, and I won't have to worry the hell out of a certain somebody by returning alone to space."

I could swear every single eye in the room turned to Heero.

"All in all," I finished, "There's no bad side to this."

Quatre didn't look convinced.

"So, in order for this brilliant plan of yours to work, I have to pretend I didn't just lose the availability of my two finest agents due to your negligence?"

"Commander-"

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up." I glared at Heero for him to shut up. He glared right back. I could tell he would be about as cooperative a patient as I had been.

Quatre still had his arms around me, almost as if he was afraid to let go. I held him lightly around the waist, too, but my eyes skittered over to Trowa. I was surprised that the man hadn't already ripped me away from Quatre, but he was hardly paying attention to me at that instant. Instead his attention was on Une. "And will you?"

I couldn't read his tone, and it made me a little skittish. Did Trowa even __want__ Une to ignore my blatant disregard of safety procedure? Just because he and I had come to some sort of halfway-understanding with one another didn't mean he was suddenly my friend again. I looked down at Quatre, but his attention was on Une, as well. Maybe I should have kept this private, if only for the poor woman's sake.

But obviously I had forgotten exactly which woman was in the room with us.

"I haven't made the decision yet. Obviously I'll be going through your files, Strike. And I'll need you to go through the same tests everyone else had to go through."

I rolled my eyes. "Even though we can both guess exactly how easily I'm going to pass them all?"

She gave me a rather tight-lipped, fairly insidious smile. "I'll be sure to make it a bit more difficult for you."

I stuck my tongue out at her. "That wouldn't give you a fair reading, now would it, Commander?"

"That would be the point, Strike."

"Oh, ow. Am I not allowed to be S-Class?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself." She cast us all looks. "I'll give you all a chance to catch up with one another. I have a ship ready to take you all back to Earth tomorrow morning at oh-seven-hundred hours. Don't be late."

"Aye aye," I murmured, but the woman was already striding purposefully out of the room, those heels of hers pounding in rhythm against the tiles once more. "You know, I don't care what anyone says, that woman is bloody scary."

"Then why do you antagonize her?" Wufei demanded, not for the first time.

"Because it's funny," I retorted, my usual response.

He just sighed.

"Duo." Quatre caught my immediate attention; his eyes were probing. "Are you really all right?"

"Sure," I answered, and smiled for him. "I got out clean."

"For once," Wufei piped up.

"Shut up, 'Fei," I chirped back. "But what are you guys doing here?" My eyes automatically popped over to Trowa again, who had decided to lean against the wall opposite Wufei. "I thought you guys had been placed somewhere safe until all of this blew over."

"Did you really think I would just lay back and twiddle my thumbs while all of you risked your lives?"

"No. But I was kind of hoping-"

"Duo!"

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, fine. But you have Trowa to shackle you to the damn safehouse. How'd you brainwash him into this?"

" _ _Duo!"__

I ruffled the guy's hair and laughed. "Yes?" I asked innocently.

His eyes were uncertain for a second, but hesitantly he smiled and raised his eyebrows up at me. "I talked him into it."

I gasped theatrically and put a hand to my heart. "You scoundrel! You know better than to use such a weapon!"

Quatre rolled his eyes. "It is not a brainwashing drug."

"You can only say that because you have immunity," I argued lightly. "So what did you tell him?"

"Oh, no." He unwrapped an arm from around me to stick his finger in my face. "You're going to tell me what happened. How did that man get to you? What happened? Did he hurt you? What happened to Heero and Wufei? Is he-"

I clapped my hands over my ears. "No more! I give, I give!"

So the next several minutes were wasted repeating what I'd just said earlier, cut short momentarily when a nurse came in to wonder exactly why we were still in the room. Wufei just flipped her his badge and said 'business' and the woman left us alone again. It was better than a magic wand.

"So you're telling me I have a... another person trained by H out there?" Quatre asked, the hand that had pointed at me now covering his mouth. "How is that possible?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. But Troit did mention that he'd been worked on, so I can assume that they were trying to force bodies past their potential."

"When that didn't work, they searched for people who could be trained to match the level of ability necessary," Trowa murmured. "It makes sense."

"In a twisted way," Wufei agreed, still obviously not happy about it.

"Well, they were certainly twisted enough," I muttered.

"So what should we do?" Quatre asked. "They haven't caused us any trouble, and there's no way for us to track them down, anyway."

"But should we really wait for them to hunt us down again?" Wufei demanded. He straightened up and looked carefully at all of us, lingering on me. "I don't like the idea of waiting for danger to once again come to us. If we explain what's been done by the other two, hopefully they would cooperate with us."

"But Quatre has a point," Heero pointed out. "We have no idea what they look like, let alone where they could be."

"We __do__ have a universe to search," I agreed.

"So are we supposed to wait?" he repeated.

"For now, we have no other option," Trowa said lowly. "And we have several other problems to deal with before we concern ourselves with anything else."

I nodded. "Like getting my ass a job."

The reminder made Quatre frown, but it was Heero who spoke up. "duo, are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yeah." I smiled for him, careful to not let it get too bright. I'd made my decision, dammit. Why were they trying to back me out of it? Was it concern? Or was it something else? My grin slipped a little at that. "Do you not want me to join Preventors?"

"That's not it."

I pushed off from that, immeasurably relieved, and changed the subject. "So what're we gonna do about Zechs?"

Wufei didn't look particularly pleased with this change in subject, if his full-face grimace was a clue. "Maxwell, I don't want to even think about having to fight Zechs again."

"Will it really come to that?" Quatre asked, then, "and what are we talking about, anyway? Duo just said that we shouldn't trust Milliardo. Why?"

I turned to him. "Apparently he had information on the leader of Caribol, and a piece of the information was on Preventor files. He knew about the leader," I clarified before Quatre could ask. "I don't know that he's necessarily bad, since for one reason or another, the information was made available to Preventors. We just didn't know it was there, and none of us thought to check for something we didn't believe existed. His intentions may have been perfectly acceptable."

"But still," Heero hissed, his eyes narrowed, "he should have informed you. And if he'd become involved in the conflict in some way, he should have-"

"But how did he?" Trowa interrupted, cutting to the heart of the matter. " _ _How__ had he gotten information on Caribol? And information that important? Did it have anything to do with his mission?"

"I don't know. We don't know what Zechs' job was." Heero seemed absolutely furious to be trapped in his wheelchair. His eyes caught mine, and I literally got to watch the frustration transform itself into careful consideration. I blinked at him.

"Well, we need to find out. I wonder if he's returned to Preventors since then?" Quatre was going into Take Charge Mode.

"If he had, Une would've trussed him up and kept him there for us," I answered.

Quatre shook his head. "for now, let's just get you guys out of here. Duo, do you want to take your Wing back yourself?"

I considered it for all of two seconds. But if I returned to her, I'd never be able to hold on to my resolve. "No. It wouldn't be a good idea."

Quatre seemed to understand exactly what I meant, when I'd been hoping everyone would assume I was talking about going alone. "Then I'll call for a mover to pick it up. You'll be coming back with us."

I flashed a quick look at Trowa, who thankfully was looking at Wufei and sharing a silent communication with him, but I didn't brook any arguments. Heero and Wufei would be safest with them.

"So are you ever going to tell us what happened?" Trowa asked idly, and everyone started heading out the door. I went over to Heero after Wufei passed and steered him out, as well. Wufei began an account of out little adventure, his movements graceful even with crutches.

"Duo."

I looked down at Heero, but the man was studiously looking in front of him, almost as if he actually had something worth looking at. Understanding his mood if not the reasons why, I looked up and forward, as well. "Yeah."

He was silent for a bit longer, and we almost made it out the front door before he finally said, "I understand now. How you've felt. Injured, I mean."

It's sad to admit, but it took me a while to understand just what the hell he was talking about. "Oh. You mean my whole crazy 'gotta do it myself' thing. Yeah. I need to apologize for that, and for all the trouble I've caused you and the others. And I'm pretty sure you've been having to worry over my mental state, too, and I'm sorry for that."

"Duo?"

His voice had completely changed now. We were out the door, and the guys had given us some space, presumably noticing our 'secret conversation' looks and providing privacy as we made our way to the driveway. I looked down to see Heero wisted around to look at me. "Heero, what the hell are you doing?!" But his eyes continued assessing mine. "Turn your ass back around or the conversation stops now."

He did as told.

"Hey! Lovebirds!"

I looked over to Trowa, stunned to speechlessness to hear the joke come from his lips. "You're both going with Quatre. Wufei will be coming with me."

"You got two cars?" Heero asked, and it was a miracle he remembered how to work his vocal cords, because right then I couldn't.

"We anticipated problems," Trowa responded dryly.

"Ha ha, Barton," Wufei huffed. Trowa popped open the door to a sleek black BMW, while Quatre pointed us over to a much more sedate silver-blue sedan.

"Duo? You were saying?"

I cast a quick look to Trowa, then followed behind Quatre to the car in a different section of the lot. "I had... some things to think about, before and after Troit attacked." I knew my smile just then was really self-deprecating, but I couldn't hide it in time, and Quatre caught it on my face when he turned to me.

"Duo," Quatre looked almost sick with sadness, "do you want to be alone?"

I hesitated. "In a minute." I wheeled Heero up until Quatre was within reach, and then I held out my hand. "I made you worry. I ran off on my own for three years, leaving you in the lurch, and then when I came back I brought so much trouble. And I'm not even talking about all the enemies that chased me down. And then I tried to kill myself!" Quatre's eyes seemed even more assessing than Heero's, as if he could reach in and read my soul. "I'm sorry. I'll straighten up from here on out."

Quatre seemed to find something in my eyes, and his smile when he did was cautiously hopeful. "Duo, are you really all right?"

"I'm working on it."

Quatre grabbed my hand with both of his. "I'm glad, Duo. I'm really glad for you."

Heero seemed to have taken just about enough. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

I outright laughed, more for relief than anything else. "Heero, I'm going through an overhaul stage. But hold on; let's get you into the car."

It was interesting work, sticking him into his seat in the back and then folding up his wheelchair and huffing it into the trunk. Heero scowled sullenly the entire time. I couldn't help but empathize; I'd been in a similarly sucky position a few times in the past year. But then Trowa pulled up next to us and Quatre winked at me before going over and speaking with him, and I took the chance to get myself inside the car beside Heero.

"So?" he huffed.

I ruffled his hair, laughing at the pouty look on his face. "Sorry," I managed, "I know how you feel, but I think I understand how __you__ felt... I've never felt quite __this__ protective of you before."

Heero harrumphed through his nose and turned away, but I could swear he was blushing.

I let him off the hook. "You know, what I was talking about earlier..." I leaned back and gently faced him forward again, careful of his collarbone. Heero hissed out a sigh. "I couldn't believe just how... how selfish I'd been."

"Duo," Heero started, but I bared my teeth at him.

"Shut up and let me finish. By selfish I mean... dumb? Annoying? I don't know that there's a perfect adjective for it. I'd been trying so hard to find myself and whatever that I'd given up everything else I'd been able to find. Friends, even memories. I'd been distorting them all simply because I'd missed the obvious fact that I'd been killing __people__. I'd started thinking, 'I hadn't noticed that I was making orphans, so what else have I missed?' And then things just started getting questioned, and then... I guess I ran off with it a bit too far."

"You... hadn't known...?" Heero asked, his voice careful but still blatantly skeptical.

"It hadn't hit me," I said bluntly. "I kept telling myself that I would fight so everything I went through would never happen to another kid. But obviously..." I let my voice drift off and shrugged. "And then I got obsessed with knowing who I was. But really, does it matter?" I was unbuckled – unlike Heero – so I was able to pull my knees up to my chest. "I'd been so worried about who I was that I forgot that humans change."

"Duo," Heero breathed, his eyes a little wide.

"So that's basically what I'm trying to say." I turned to him and blasted him face-first with a mega-watt grin. "From now on, I'm gonna try to not be such a burden. From today on, I'm gonna change. Will you still love me even after I'm different?"

Heero's shocked look fell into an easy grin. "Always, Duo. No matter what, I will always love you, as long as you're you."

It shocked me into laughter, and shortly after Quatre came over and took over the driver's seat.


	6. Nickelback Saga

So gee, could anyone guess that I would pass Une's little entrance exam? It was ridiculously easy, especially since I wasn't injured from our last disaster. Of course, I relegated myself purely to deskwork and got the dubious honor of training the new recruits. Field work would probably not be good for an ex-merc with a shitload of enemies. Nope.

It seemed like no time at all before Heero was able to move in short spurts without his wheelchair, but at the same time, the two weeks I had suffered through before he got to that stage had lasted forever. I must have been an absolute terror for Heero those months I'd been recovering. I pitied him for it.

Not much else changed. Heero ordered me to leave off selling Wing, saying he wanted to be there, and what the hell? Why not. I went one afternoon and cleaned my baby up, getting up all the dried blood. The leg had been removed from the cockpit, thankfully, but the blood had caked the floor and wall and... well, it had taken so damn long that Heero had fucking ambushed me on my way into the house, and even stuck in a wheelchair that guy in pissed off mode could be scary.

I smiled at the thought as I opened the door and let myself in after work. Heero was on the sofa reading a book, easily accessible to the eyes. It had been an interesting thing to learn – I had found that the subconscious knowledge that Heero was hurt had messed with my head a bit, and I'd flipped out the first time I'd seen the wheelchair sitting unattended during one of Heero's own personal 'am-I-ready-yet?' tests.

"Welcome back," he said, his smile easy now that he had a bit more physical freedom.

"Thanks." I kicked off my shoes and went straight over to him. Heero obligingly lifted his lips for my kiss. "How are you?"

"Bored," he responded quickly, and I grinned.

"I understand your pain, Heero, but I'm giving you the same damn answer you always gave me."

He huffed at that. "How was work?"

"Boring," I supplied. "Or dull, depending on your viewpoint." I plopped down beside him and grabbed his book from his hands, careful to keep his page open, and read the back. "Heero, can't you read anything interesting? A mystery novel, or maybe some suspense? What's this 'Theory of War' crap?"

"It's interesting to me," he stated. It was a debate we'd gotten into before these past few weeks.

I handed it back to him and wiped my palm on my pants as if I'd been contaminated by the book somehow. "And more power to you on that one, Hee-chan."

"Don't call me that."

"Hee-chan. Don't move your arm so fast, Heero." I dodged his attack and glared at him. "Your fucking collarbone was broken, asshole. Don't mess yourself up again or I'll be pissed."

"Then don't irritate me."

The man had a comeback for everything.

"Une says Zechs will be finishing up his undercover work in a couple of days," I told him, knowing that would get the bastard's attention. "She says we can finally talk to him about the sent file."

"I want to be there."

Gee, hadn't expected that one. Not. "Not gonna happen," I said cheerfully. "And even better news: Quatre reports that both he and Trowa have yet to be bothered by any weird people with ridiculous abilities. I know Wufei and you want to search for them somehow, Heero, but even if I agreed with you completely I can't see how we could. It's beyond our abilities, incredible as they may be, to find a specific person who, as far as we know, could be anyone. It doesn't even make sense."

"I don't like the idea of waiting to be attacked again."

I ignored the poignant look he cast my way, the one that said, 'for __you__ to be attacked again.' Cheeky ass. "And what else have we been freaking out about? Hm. My ship's clean and waiting for your sorry ass to let me just sell the damn thing-" I didn't think about the process of that or of how much it would hurt "-and those are our big, disastrous crises – oh! Quatre also said he wanted to hop over, and Wufei, when he heard, said he'd be stopping by soon, too, though he can't tonight because Sally Po has him taking naps in the afternoons to rest his legs, since the idiot decided to return to work early." I smirked at the thought of Wufei taking cat naps.

Heero sighed and put his book aside, not even bothering tonight to continue reading. "So are you going to lecture me about being careful with myself again?"

"Hey, man." I lightly pushed his shoulder. "It's payback for all the damn lectures you and the others always gave __me__. And you haven't given me a reason to tonight. __Yet__."

Heero snorted.

I was quiet for a while, fully comfortable with simply sitting there, Heero beside me. I thought back on the day when I went nuts over an empty wheelchair and frowned. "You know..." I started, but then sent Heero an uneasy glance.

He caught it, of course, and tilted his head. "What?"

I took a deep breath and just plunged in. "We do have a couple... personal crises... that haven't been fully, uh, panned out."

Heero was silent, considering this. "You mean the Caribol events."

What the hell? He'd titled the episode? Like it was a movie? "Yeah. Like the Caribol events. And Trowa's opinion of me – has that changed, by the way? I don't even know. And..." And then I hesitated again.

Heero's "what?" was a bit more hesitant this time.

"Well," I said cautiously, "I have no idea what... I mean, when I tried... when I chugged down the death drink, I... wrote a couple things."

Heero's eyes had done an interesting little emotion dance at my attempt at a euphemism, but when I touched on my poems, they kind of... froze. "Yes. You did."

It was weird, how I'd begun to wonder about those damn poems and Heero's... reaction wasn't the right word, but it seemed to sum it up. I found the idea of him disliking the poems rather abhorrent. What if he said I had no skill? That would be akin to him shooting a bullet through my lungs. But I also wanted to know what he thought about the... the subjects of the pieces. Most specifically the ones I'd written shortly before attempting to off myself.

I needed to work on my euphemisms.

"So – I mean, I don't want to talk about it if you don't want to," I said quickly, although I __did__ still want to talk about it, dammit, "and you're still injured, so big giant heart-to-hearts that require any kind of crying might not be the greatest idea..." Shit, I was starting to talk __myself__ out of it. "So..."

But Heero's eyes pierced me head-on. "No. You're right; we __do__ need to discuss this."

Uh-oh. And why did a sudden Bad Feeling get lodged in my chest? I shoved the feeling away; I was done being the coward who ran from myself. "Yeah. Okay." Still, my palms were starting to sweat. Only a little.

"Where..." And here even Heero hesitated, "where do you want to start?"

It surprised me enough that I laughed. "Oh, I don't know. I brought up the subject of torturing ourselves, so you can pick the device. How's that?"

Heero grimaced. "Fine. Caribol."

Oh, ouch. Below the belt. My laughter died pretty much immediately. "All right."

Heero carefully rearranged himself until he was facing me on the couch. I mirrored him. Getting comfortable; that was a bad sign. "Duo, I've already apologized for my actions, but I know it needs to be said again."

I rolled my shoulders. Was it just me, or was it damn awkward to randomly start this sort of conversation? But Heero's eyes looked determined and hell if I was letting this wait. "We both have to apologize. You for tricking me, and me for... for my reaction. Heero, there's something I want to say first, something I think you and the others all need to hear."

Heero's eyes got all guarded again.

"Look, about what I said when we were leaving the hospital? About me changing?"

Heero nodded. "I remember."

"Good. It's true; I found that I've just been floating around blaming the fact that I don't know myself on all my problems, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to focus on the past anymore. I... it includes what happened back... during the Caribol incident. I don't want to constantly look at you and remember..." I closed my eyes at the memory and snarled. "I want to see you as you are now – well, as you will be. Healthy." When I opened my eyes again, Heero's face was difficult for me to read. I couldn't tell if he was angry, upset, or... just thinking really hard. "I think I might have already said that, but..."

"You think we can forget?" he asked skeptically.

"No! I didn't mean that at all!" I shook my head vehemently. "I meant that you're more than that one moment. I've... been thinking about this. A lot." It came with the territory, after all, of trying to change oneself. Suddenly I'd been finding myself thinking a lot about... several things. "I want to remember, more than the memory of... of what I did, how you and I spoke in the hospital afterwards. Seeing you alive enough to punch me." I smiled a bit. "And talking to you, how you were healthy enough to do something as stupid as push the extra fucking bed in front of the door."

Heero snorted. "You want to remember __that__?"

"Yeah, actually." I grinned at him; good, he wasn't pissed. "And I think you'd rather remember me struggling with that damn door than think about... what I'd looked like after..." I let my voice fade completely at the pained look that echoed across Heero's face. "Yeah. Thought so."

"Don't forget, but forgive?" he asked finally, breaking a sharp silence.

"If you want to be clichéd and boring, then yeah, that'll work."

Heero snorted again.

"So, the whole Caribol Events," I said, putting little quotation marks around the title with my hands, "isn't something I want to spend apologizing for over and over. You did what you thought was best, and... and, I guess, so did I."

Those eyes of Heero's were difficult to read again. "Duo," Heero said carefully, and I had the feeling something bad was coming, "you really have changed."

I felt my gut clench. "What?"

"I've seen it, bit by bit. You threw yourself into the job at Preventors without a backwards glance, but that's not what I mean." He leaned forward, careful of his wound since I was too shocked to remember to reprimand him, and cupped my face in his hands. "You truly have become stronger." And those eyes were impossible to read again, sifting, it seemed, through several emotions. I was simply on shock overload. "I've seen a gradual change in your posture, straight and sure again. That old Maxwell cockiness." His lips flickered into a grin, but other emotions pushed it back down again.

"Heero?" My stomach was fucking quivering, not knowing if what Heero'd said – that he'd love me as long as I was me – I couldn't tell for certain whether that was true anymore or not. And it scared me. Did he __want__ me to go back to that old me, who hated and second-guessed himself? But __I__ didn't want to be that man anymore. I wanted... I wanted more stable footing. I wanted...

"I just wish..." And when Heero sighed, the fear turned into outright panic. "I just wish you weren't going through it all alone. Again."

...What?

His hands slid away from me, but I caught them in my own. "Wait. Heero, what...? What do you mean? Is this... some sort of bad thing?"

Heero just sighed, and that clenching feeling wouldn't go away. "Sort of, Duo, yes."

I felt my heart literally stutter. I'd known it was a big risk, changing myself so much. Becoming someone __stronger__. I just hadn't imagined that it would be... a bad thing. "Heero," I said shakily, "if you're not breaking up with me, now would be a good time to admit it."

Heero looked downright startled. "No," he said firmly.

Well. All right then. I clutched my chest and let out a relieved sigh before I quite knew what I was doing. "Okay. So then why...?"

"Duo, I told you from the beginning." Heero covered the hand I'd rested against my heart and stared straight into my eyes. "We – not even just me, Duo, but all of us – we're all here for you. We're here to help. We've struggled to find our own ways, our own selves, outside of the war, without losing anything about ourselves that we respected. We __want__ to help you, Duo. Even Trowa. Don't give me that look."

I tried to not look so skeptical.

" _ _That's__ what I meant, Duo. I would never want to break up with you. Watching you gain back that old confidence, becoming who you are now, it's as if I'm falling in love you all over again, and more than I had before."

I blinked, trying to process those words coming out of Heero's mouth.

"That's not to say I didn't love you before," Heero rushed, "but... Duo, don't take this wrong. Listen to what I say, all right?"

I nodded. Apparently it was my turn to be wary.

"Duo. Looking at you, interacting with you..." Heero's eyes were bright, and I could see a smile trying to take over his face. He struggled to remain serious. "It's like I'm getting my chance all over again. These past weeks, I've seen the old Duo. The one who'd shot me trying to protect a stranger he just happened across. The type who forced me to interact with other students in dormitories. The one who teased me on the battlefield. The one..." His hand gripped mine tightly, and his head fell to my chest. I hadn't even realized we'd gravitated so close to one another until his head rested warmly against our enjoined hands. "The one I'd shouted to all those years ago, promising to survive."

Fuck. I could feel tears stinging my eyes.

"Heero." I wrapped my free hand around him, ever careful of disturbing his healing clavicle, and nestled my head in his wild hair. "I'm sorry I've worried you all this time."

"You should be," he muttered, and the sarcasm surprised another burst of laughter from me.

I kissed his hair and inhaled. He smelled good. To describe the scent would hinder its unique beauty, but nonetheless my mind supplied me with the ideas of meadows and some undefinable earthy scent. Smells I'd only first gotten to scent after landing on Earth. "I am."

"I love you," Heero told me, and I smiled. We had problems that still needed to be fixed, things that needed to be said, issues to be cleared. But in the end, if we held on to our love for one another, we could bully our way through those problems.

"I love you, too, Heero. So much it hurts sometimes."

"Just sometimes?" And the second joke made me bite the man's hair.

"Hey!" He pushed up from me, glaring that familiar glare. I just grinned cheekily at him.

And the doorbell rang.

"Argh." I flopped against the couch for a second before getting up. "Stay there." I pointed at his seat on the couch, thus earning myself a second glare. Heero was rubbing at his scalp as if I'd actually done damage to him. It made me laugh.

"Shut up," he grumbled.

I was still laughing as I opened the door, but it stopped short as soon as I looked outside. I frowned, going into instant alert. There was no one there. "Fuck." I shut the door immediately. "Heero, get away from the windows." But he was already standing beside me. I growled at him. "You aren't getting involved."

"What's happening?" he asked, completely ignoring me.

"I don't know. No one's out there; I saw something on the porch and just slammed the door without thinking."

But a couple minutes passed, and still there was no explosion. Thank goodness. Une was probably sick and tired of fixing up this house.

Finally I shooed Heero off and managed to get the door open, Heero fuming and sitting on the floor rubbing his chest, which had begun to hurt during our argument over said door-opening procedures. He looked ready to jump up at the slightest provocation. I swore to myself that I wouldn't flinch even if I opened the door to a gun in my face.

There was no gun, however, and a better inspection of the porch showed nothing save a small note held down with a small rock. I picked it up and, ignoring Heero's warning growl, unfolded it and read it, closing the door and turning to Heero as I did.

Duo. From what I've heard and seen, you've managed to get yourself in a lot of trouble while I've been gone. But I owe you a favor, since you got rid of Caribol and effectively freed me. Because of that, I'll help you with your missing predecessors.

It was unsigned. I read it again. "From what I've head and seen, you've managed to get yourself in a lot of trouble. Whoever it is, he's a smartass."

"Let me read it," Heero ordered, standing again and holding out his hand for the note. I stared pointedly at the couch, and it was with a curse and a huff that he made his way over to the thing and sat down. His hand reached imperiously for the note once again.

I grinned and dangled it in front of him. "Do you think __you__ know the guy? It's addressed to me, after all. Maybe it's another secret admirer."

We both grimaced at that.

Heero snatched the thing from my hand and read quickly. "'Since I've been gone?'" he quoted. "That's a strange way to say 'since we've seen each other.'"

"Yeah, tell me about it. And who the hell did we help by getting rid of Caribol, other than us?"

"Whoever wrote this is offering to find 'our missing predecessors.' That's pretty straightforward."

"Yeah." I thought for a minute, stretching the muscles I'd stiffened, waiting for an attack. Shit. All this crap we'd gone through was making me as paranoid as I'd been during the damn war.

"Is it someone I've met?" Heero wondered, tilting his head as he studied the note.

"Probably not," I replied honestly, "since we went different ways after the war. Unless it's someone from our personal war circle, I can't think of anyone else... but I'd tried very hard to __not__ get involved with anyone in any way while I was out..." My brows furrowed.

Heero gasped softly. "Duo," he said softly, "I think I might have an idea as to who wrote this."

"Congrats, 'cause I don't have a clue." I plopped onto the seat and stretched out my legs. "So? Who?"

Heero's cobalt gaze slid up to mine. The note dangled a bit negligently in his hand, almost as if what he was about to tell me was surprising even to him. "Duo," he said, his voice careful, "could it be that man Greaves?"

* * *

* * *

It made sense.

It was disturbing, crazy. What the hell was Greaves doing hanging around here again? The last time he'd decided to meet up with me for a reunion, it was to kill my sorry ass. But if I tried to remember, he __had__ said that he was a cyborg, and he __had__ said something about Caribol.

It made sense.

"I remember you saying," Heero started, but I cut him off with a loud whoop.

"Heero, my man, you did it again!" I got up and laughed. "You're right; it makes total bloody perfect fucking sense. Why didn't I see it?"

"Because you weren't thinking, maybe?" he answered, smirking. "And do you need so many adjectives?"

"Do I what?" I glared at him. "No smart-person talk from you, Yuy. I'm excited here. Greaves is actually gonna help us find these guys. And I have no idea how, but I'll bet he only left that note because he's already found something. That suits his style. Awesome! Now you don't have to wait for a bomb to bash through a window."

Heero's eyes darkened. The stare he gave me said he'd been more concerned about something that had the capacity to move on its own. I cocked an eyebrow.

But then we had to buck up and call the others to tell them, and hell if Quatre didn't cancel a fucking speech and come straight over, Trowa in tow, wholly ignoring my complaint that we didn't damn well __have__ anything yet, and when Wufei heard Quatre was coming he was hopping over, too, and to hell with my saying there was no point to it.

So within an hour – Quatre had refused to move far away for the recording of his speech, so the vultures and parasites had to come __here__. Quatre was going to get some serious flack for canceling, but he didn't seem to care.

And then we were all gathered around Heero's living room, me making sure Heero grabbed the couch and having Wufei join him; Quatre took the chair and Trowa leaned on the wall beside him. I took the floor beneath Heero and leaned against the couch, my legs underneath the coffee table.

Quatre was the first to lean forward. "So this Greaves guy, he can find the other three men the doctors chose before us?"

"Yeah," I confirmed.

Heero spoke up next. "He's one who attacked us earlier, when Duo was still recovering from Harlow."

I glared at him. Sure, let's introduce the man first as an enemy. That would help.

So we had to go over that whole damn thing with Quatre, who hadn't been given all the information there, either. I cast Trowa a wary glance; the man usually was so pissed off by anything relating me to any sort of danger that he would be trying to hold himself back from hurting me physically. But he was just listening, a hand on the back of the chair, ready to go to Quatre if he was needed.

I blinked when his eye caught mine, waiting for hell to break loose, but absolutely nothing happened. The man just looked at me, into my eyes, and seemed to see my nervousness. And then he smirked and turned back to Wufei, who was speaking now.

And I was left to wonder just what the hell was going on.

The explanation finally finished, and hell if Quatre wasn't frowning. "I'd heard Duo had been reckless, but I hadn't known quite how-"

And I cut him off right there, not willing to hear about how stupid I'd been. "So Greaves has apparently decided to show up again, this time minus the try-to-kill-me thing."

"The thing is, should we trust him?" Wufei asked. His eyes turned to me.

I shrugged. "I don't see why not. He was on orders to kill me, orders he'd needed to follow because he was pretty much owned by Caribol. He's not anymore; he's probably back to his merc ways. That means helping those who help you and are on your side. Simple as that." I looked to Trowa for confirmation, but he only shrugged and tilted his head. It was plain he was saying that even if that were true for him, it didn't mean it was true for Greaves.

"Strange," Quatre murmured. "Caribol might not have gotten such immediate attention from all of us if this Greaves guy hadn't come, right?"

"Technically," Heero admitted, his voice reluctant.

"That is exactly correct, Quatre, my man," I said, beaming, not letting Heero's cynicism control the emotional airwaves in the room. "Greaves is a good guy. He's like Heero and Wufei combined."

Heero and Wufei both sputtered.

Quatre seemed to accept my words and clapped his hands together. "So how do you think he'll be sending the information to you?"

"Hell if I know. Hopefully he won't be creative to the point of destructive again."

Heero passed me a rather droll look.

So we wasted another hour or so speculating, and then it was time to cook, and when I headed out, Quatre offered to help. I declined, but Trowa said he was going with me and the look he sent me had me gulping down any argument.

We left the room to Heero and Wufei and Quatre, Heero's gaze watching the both of us leave, warnings clear in those midnight blue eyes.

I blushed at the blatantly possessive stare. __Please__ tell me nobody else saw it.

"I won't kill him," Trowa called back, and I just flamed. Trowa saw and laughed.

"Son of a bitch," I grumbled, but nonetheless led him into the kitchen and pulled out the pans we would be needing. "It's just simple chicken and rice and veggies," I mumbled. I was an okay cook, yes, but I wasn't anything to write home about, either.

"I'll save it," Trowa told me. I snorted.

We were quiet for a time. I took out the chicken and put it in the mike to defrost it. Trowa took out the rice, then the squash and zucchini. I looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and broke the silence just as the microwave dinged. "I don't know how to cook that crap."

"I do."

Smartass.

Then it was preparation and getting to learn how to move around one another in the room. We were silent again for a short time.

When we safely had the chicken in the oven and the water on to boil for the rice and whatever the hell it was that Trowa did for the zucchini and squash was done, too, Trowa moved us over to the table. Apparently it was Conversation Time.

This wasn't my story to start, so I just sat and waited, hands clasped in front of me on the table. Trowa leaned back in his seat, taking on that deceptively calm air he'd always had during the war. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm still not happy with you."

It was an interesting way to start the conversation, and I just lifted an eyebrow. "Uh... yes?"

He snorted. "But I've been watching you." Well that didn't sound stalker-ish or anything. "Carefully." Definitely stalker-ish. "And though you constantly placed yourself and those around you in danger, attempted to kill one of my best friends-" I flinched violently on that one "-and tried to cowardly run away from your responsibilities by killing yourself, something my Quatre wept over for weeks."

I flinched again, even as my mind caught, surprised and awed, the unconscious use of the possessive. __My__ Quatre. And I think it finally clicked, why Trowa was so furious. I mean, it wasn't as if I hadn't known; obviously it was for Quatre. But I could see now that Trowa's life practically revolved around Quatre, though I couldn't understand how or why, and anything that hurt Quatre was physically painful to Trowa, and unforgivable.

It hit me, sharp and true, in that one sharp instant as pain wrapped around me, and I opened my mouth to speak, to apologize, now that I truly understood.

"Shut up," Trowa ordered. I shut my mouth.

Trowa got up for a moment, and I heard him doing something with the vegetables. It was about time for me to put the rice in the pot, so I got up and did that. It was awkward until Trowa seemed to decide to not wait for us to sit again, and while I was stirring the rice and he was... doing... something with the veggies, he spoke.

"But the two of you truly do love one another."

His voice was so soft I almost missed it, and when the words sunk in I jolted, almost spilling the hot water on my hand. I cursed and mumbled under my breath and turned on the fan over the stove, since a little water had fallen and was now sizzling and steaming all over the place.

"You and Quatre have a relationship I could never have with him, and I've seen it over and over again." Trowa sounded a bit sad by that, but I couldn't see his face behind all the damn steam. "And I've seen you changing over these past weeks. It's made me remember who you were. During the war."

It so seemed to echo what Heero had said earlier that it made me blink rather dumbly. I almost burned the pasta. With another curse, I turned the heat down.

"So I forgive you," Trowa finished, his voice low. Nevertheless I heard it, and I blinked owlishly at him.

"What?"

"Don't make me repeat it, Duo Maxwell," Trowa growled, but through the receding steam I thought I saw a slight smile. "I told you, I'm still not happy with you."

I grinned; Trowa had practically let it go completely. "Thanks, man. I'll keep working on it."

"Do, and I'll call us even."

"...You got it."

* * *

I closed the door behind Quatre and Trowa, who had stayed longer than Wufei, the former still calling out assurances that they would not be returning to work for a few days because of skipping the meeting and informing us that we had only to call. Guests officially gone, I turned toward Heero. The man was leaning back against the back of the couch, and his shoulders were a bit slumped. He was exhausted.

I went over and grinned down at him. "Bedtime, sleepy-head?"

He turned a droll stare my way. "No."

"Yes," I argued primly, and leaned down. "Come on. Nappy time."

"Duo, I am __going__ to hit you."

"Not with that injured collarbone, you're not." I watched as the man growled, then gave up and stood, slowly enough that he couldn't help but confirm my suspicions on how tired he was. He glared at me then, as if he knew what I was thinking, and finally let me help him up the stairs to his bed.

"Nighty-night," I whispered as I tucked him into his bed, and that glare of his turned up a notch until I gently kissed him.

I saw the flare of passion in his eyes and carefully pretended to be oblivious. It wasn't that I didn't want to go there with him – the fact that he and I had yet to have sex was driving me absolutely insane – but he was still injured and we had potential enemies to find. And now that I knew Greaves was around, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex, not knowing if the guy was watching.

Ew. That thought was just nasty.

Despite his tough-guy act, Heero was out like a light within seconds. I sneaked out of his room and went back downstairs to take care of the dishes.

When Trowa and I had come out with the food, the topic had changed to Zechs, and Wufei, Heero, and Quatre had been in a heated discussion over what they were going to do about Zechs' acts. In the end, they all decided to wait and see what Zechs had to say in his defense – something Quatre and I had been advocating from the start.

And then they'd all left, most likely respecting Heero's waning strength. Or maybe it was because Heero looked about ready to burst, so difficult was it for him to keep from bombarding me with questions about my conversation with Trowa. And no doubt that would be the first thing he worried about when he woke up, the first damn thing he asked me.

And I could actually give him some good news.

It made me smile, thinking about it. We may not be at full strength, but my relationship with Trowa truly was healing. Thank goodness. And even better, I was really starting to __get__ the guy.

Yay. Warm fuzzies all around.

I finished washing the dishes – when I want some time to think, I just clean the dishes myself – and I was in the process of drying them when my back stiffened of its own accord. A tingling sensation swept up my arms and alarm bells rang rather loudly in the back of my head.

I turned to the back door.

Greaves was just stepping inside, his eyes carefully on mine. He closed the door behind him, absolutely silent, like a fucking ninja. I cocked an eyebrow. There was no way that door wasn't locked.

"Sorry to intrude," Greaves murmured, "but I couldn't help but notice that your lover was sleeping."

I didn't bother to correct him on the 'lover' portion. It was close enough. "And why exactly do you want to talk to me alone?" Though I also lowered my voice, unwilling to end up making the guy leave. He was our only possible link to our three missing predecessors.

"Because your lover wants to kill me for what I did to you earlier."

I was ready to argue, but it sounded true and Greaves only stated something as fact when he knew it as fact. So I shrugged. "Okay. So why did you come?"

The man smiled. "I'm glad I didn't kill you."

"Uh, yeah. Have to say I'm glad about that, too. And vice versa, man."

"I heard about what happened to you, and I decided to help you in return for taking down Caribol. After this, we're once again even."

"Yeah, sure thing. Do you want to sit down?"

"Thank you." I led him over to a chair and sat down myself. Really, Greaves looked completely human. He must have been one of Caribol's better creations, and I wondered how long he'd been kept in one of the tubes Heero had seen in Caribol before he'd gone missing. Then things flashed in my head and I cringed away from the thoughts altogether.

"So you've decided to help us find the other three pre-Gundam pilots," I said, trying to start the conversation again. Damn, I was having a lot of conversations. I was about filled to the brim with the damn things.

"Yes. I've already found one."

I blinked. "What? Really?" I leaned against the desk. "How? Who?"

Greaves outright grinned, and the shock of it froze me for a second. But then he simply said, "his name is Carn, and he is the predecessor to Quatre Raberba Winner. I believe the man was with you this evening."

I frowned. "You've been spying on us."

"Of course. I needed to speak to you alone, since only you would be certain to not attempt to fight with me."

"Yeah." I scratched my head and sat back. "Sorry about that."

"They care about you."

"Yeah, ain't it a kick?" I grinned and shrugged and sat back. It hit me, then, again, how sad Greaves seemed when he said it. "Hey, you know you can join the group, right?"

But Greaves just chuckled and shook his head. "No, thank you. I prefer my life as it is. I'm very pleased yours has changed, however. The life of a mercenary doesn't suit you. But this is not what I came for."

The man placed a tape in front of me. The thing was positively ancient, a bulky cassette with the recording tape not only visible but actually touchable from one end. I picked it up and stared at it.

"Preventors should have what you need to read that," he murmured, then carefully stood again. I did, too, on instinct. "I will return later, once needed."

"You're gonna disappear on me again?"

"Until needed," he repeated, and moved back toward the door. I followed after him, my pace unsteady. Greaves really was like Heero and Wufei together, and I couldn't quite understand him anymore. Had the whole Caribol mess changed him? But he was still the same guy. Just... different.

"Hey, thanks again, Greaves. You know I didn't take down Caribol for you. You don't have to do this."

"I'm repaying a debt." The man opened the door just as soundly as he had only minutes earlier, and when he closed the door, the only reason I knew was because I watched him do it. I locked it, then as a joke grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a quick 'Just knock!' on the thing and taped it up.

Then the night outside seemed to infect me, or I really did just lose my damn energy to all those stupid conversations, because suddenly I was just fucking exhausted. I clopped my sorry ass through the house, double-checking the locks and the windows and just fucking everything, and then I trudged my way up the stairs and into my room. The tape went under my pillow, and I couldn't find the wherewithal to pull my hand out from underneath.

I fell asleep without even pulling up the covers.

* * *

* * *

I snuggled deep under the covers and moaned in bliss. I did not want to wake up yet; I had to go to work, and I wasn't yet used to the idea of a set time schedule. It was annoying.

But it was Friday, and that made me happy, so I groaned and sighed and got up and pushed away the covers. And blinked.

I hadn't pulled up the covers. And apparently I had clutched the damn tape the entire night, although thankfully I'd also managed to keep myself from harming it. I took a look at it for a moment and, upon once again confirming its safety, proceeded to get ready.

I was done my shower and about half-dressed when I finally noticed that I could smell coffee and bacon.

" _ _Shit__ ," I muttered, and then I was moving like lightning, grabbing a stupid Preventor polo shirt and shoving it over my head, and then I was down the stairs, not even caring about how horrendous my braid must look, and whirled my way into the kitchen.

Heero really was walking around the damn kitchen, slowly but competently cracking eggs against the rim of a pan and tossing them fluidly into the trash.

"Heero, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Heero looked over to me and grinned. Rather cheekily. "I woke up before you and saw you had crashed last night. So I took over breakfast duties. And don't start with me, because you once did the same thing for me."

I frowned, vaguely remembering doing such a thing every once and a while. I also remembered how much of a strain it had been. "I'll do the rest. Sit down."

"No. You haven't fixed your hair, and it's dripping. And I'm almost done. Now stop being a twit and braid your hair."

I snarled at him. "Heero-"

"I remember how tiring it was to care for someone, no matter how much I wanted to do it, and I'm not having you tired and stressed when you have to get ready for a structured occupation for the first time in your life. Now shut up and braid your hair."

Well, fuck. I had nothing to say to that one.

So I ended up braiding my damn hair and ate Heero's food – delicious as always – and put the dishes in the dishwasher. Then I kissed him softly.

"I want to know what happened between you and Trowa last night," Heero grumbled.

"I'll tell you everything you missed," I promised, in my mind including my meeting with Greaves, and then paused just outside the door, my customary 'be careful' on my tongue. "Hey, Heero?" I called.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to kill Greaves?"

There was a pause from the kitchen before Heero called back, "no. Maybe I'll just maim him."

I chuckled uneasily. "Um, okay. Be careful!"

Heero snorted, and I thought I heard cynical mumbling under his breath. Knowing what he was complaining about, I shouted, "just remember how much trouble __I__ got into."

And at Heero's horrified laugh, I clicked the door softly behind me.

* * *

Zechs wouldn't be in until the afternoon, so I had my lunch hour to find out just what it was Greaves had given me. I didn't even consider calling Wufei in, wanting Heero to be the first person I spoke to about this.

I had managed to find literally only __one__ machine that could play the old wreck of a recording device, hidden deep in the crevices of the Preventors building, so I was hard-pressed to keep myself from wondering just how the hell Greaves had managed to make one. But when I finally got the damn thing going, thoughts of Greaves' inventiveness left.

"Strike, I'm going to give you the information you need first, just in case the tape is eventually overheard, so be sure you're alone. Carn stands for Carnivore. He's in a psychiatric hospital. As of now, he has already eaten three men, all of them Asian, and has tried to chew through his restraints six times. He's been incarcerated for three years, and has thankfully been in a steel cage for over two of those. According to his psychiatrists, his mind has snapped under the weight of his intelligence, though I'm certain you understand what truly happened.

"If you do decide to speak to Carn, I suggest leaving your lover and his partner behind. If you cannot guarantee such a thing, perhaps this one secret would be best. The decision is yours. I wish you the best of luck, Duo Maxwell."

I blinked. Then again.

" _ _What?!__ "

Quatre's predecessor was a cannibal? A psycho cannibal? And he ate Asians?

And I felt fear flutter in my chest, tight and cutting, and suddenly I found my cell phone in my hand and the home phone number already dialed before reason clicked in. I hadn't called in to Heero since my first week, assuring him that I was fine and in turn finding out if he was well. He would know something was wrong __immediately__ if I called him. And that would not be good.

I closed my phone and took a deep, deep breath. And when the oxygen finally hit my brain, I called the one person I knew would tell it to me straight.

"Duo? Duo, why are you calling me in the middle of the day? Is something wrong?"

"Hey, Qat," I sighed, and I double-checked to make sure the room I was in was not only empty but free of people outside, too. It was rather unnecessary; I'd been sent to the boondocks of the building. Apparently no one but weird-ass cyborgs used such an old-ass piece of technology as a cassette tape. And most likely for this exact reason. Satisfied that I was safely alone, I sat back in the stool I'd been on before and raked a hand through my bangs. "I know this is gonna sound weird as hell, but is Trowa there?"

Quatre was interestingly quiet for a few moments, but he finally said, "sure, just a minute," and he put down the phone.

Shit. I'd just hurt his feelings. Now Trowa was gonna kill me, not help me.

As soon as I heard the phone being picked up I started. "Trowa, tell Quatre I'm sorry, I am __so__ sorry so don't get pissed; I wasn't trying to be an ass-"

"Duo," Trowa said, and his voice when I heard it didn't fit the category of 'pissed' that I'd made in my head, "what in the hell is so important that you would actually call __me__ instead of anyone else?"

"Because you're the only one who will tell me to shut the fuck up if I'm being an idiot," I confessed, and it earned me a short laugh.

I heard Quatre's voice from behind Trowa, and then Trowa's muffled voice calling back, "he just needs someone to yell at him for a minute." Then he was back to me. "So what is it?"

So I explained to him what I'd just learned from the tape and took a short second to explain that I'd crashed and hadn't had the time to tell Heero. "But I'm telling him as soon as I get back," I said, and earned another short laugh for some reason.

"Fine. And you're right; it's best to not tell Heero."

I was absolutely shocked. "I'm sorry? What? Usually you tell me I'm stupid-"

"And you are. But this time you're right. Heero – and Wufei, as well – will both want to go with you to see this 'Carnivore.' I'll go with you instead."

I blinked. "I'm sorry?" I said again, and I think my jaw might have dropped.

Quatre said something in the background again, and Trowa answered, "no, you have things to do since you decided to play hookie last night."

I grinned. I'd never quite imagined Trowa saying 'hookie' before, and it was rather hilarious. "Quatre can't come," I said then, and I understood that saying such was completely unnecessary, but the idea scared me nonetheless. Quatre had grown up with men from the Middle East, and some say his family went back to Middle Eastern roots, and though people forgot, the Middle East was a part of Asia. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that before.

"No shit, Duo?" Trowa snorted, and though I'd known he would say something like that, nonetheless I was relieved. "Now don't you have a job to return to?"

"Oh, __fuck__ ," I muttered, and hung up on Trowa's laughter.

Zechs would be back in – I checked my watch – twenty minutes or so. And knowing Wufei, he was already on his way to Une's, which meant he was going to check on me. Which meant that I needed to get my ass back to my office.

And I refused to dwell on the idea of myself with an office.

* * *

We were like some sort of battalion, and I could only guess what kind of impression we made as Zechs entered Une's office. It was almost comical, if creepy, and the man hesitated just inside the doorway.

He looked haggard, tired and absolutely done-in. Just as one would expect from someone who'd just returned from a long mission. Or whatever Preventors called it.

But Zechs was nothing if not composed, the little dick, and he just hummed and smiled as he closed the door behind him. "I take it you got my message."

"Too little too late," I snapped. Wufei seemed about ready to speak up, too, but Une stood from behind her desk and damned if that woman couldn't make those around her just shut the fuck up.

All Une had to do was cock an eyebrow and tap her desk lightly once and Zechs came forward between Wufei and myself and bowed slightly. "I've finally returned. The bust was a success. No one was injured." Then he looked to the two of us, one side, then the other. The smirk on his face took away the last vestiges of my patience and I just steamed to the point of snapping.

"I know that. I've already received reports from Haley and McDonnegal. You already know what we're here for."

"Yes, I do." He cast a sidelong glance at me and smirked right in my face. I saw red.

"Agent Maxwell, please calm yourself."

Zechs and I both heard the accent on the word agent and the man turned back to her, his eyes wide. "He's an agent now?"

"Yes."

It seemed Haley and McDonnegal had neglected to mention that fact. It was my turn to smirk.

"How much information have you been given, Agent Merquise?" Une demanded. She was still standing, just as Wufei and I were, and we looked so much like a united force that the man actually lost the smirk.

"I've been informed as to the successful take-down of Caribol and the injury to Agent Yuy. I have also been given a rumor that Agent Yuy and... Agent Maxwell are intimately related."

The bastard cast me __another__ sidelong glance. I narrowed my eyes; I'd caught the slight hesitation before my name and I caught that disbelief in his eyes, that annoying belief that I was inferior in some way from the other Gundam pilots, and my hands just fucking __itched__ to curl around his neck.

"All of which is correct, though the latter has little to do with our discussion. Sit down, all of you."

We did, Wufei and I instinctively keeping Merquise between us. Flanked.

Une spoke again. "I would like to know how you came across the information concerning the leader of Caribol and why you sent the information to us."

"Simple. The records were on file in the target computer, and I'd heard rumors of Caribol targeting Agent Yuy from my last report."

"From whom?" Une snapped.

"Barkley."

"I'll be confirming that. Maybe you'd like to state a little more about what you found?"

"It was a rather small file; they'd simply kept watch over the leaders of Caribol since it's destruction at the hands of Strike." The man's lip curled; he obviously didn't like the idea of vigilante justice. And just as obvious, he had no idea who I was. It made me smirk again. "I found information on the current leader and decided I could give Agent Yuy a little help."

And usurp his superiority. I snarled.

"Unfortunately, as you said, the information seemed to be too little, too late. I hadn't made it too obvious, but I'd thought Agent Yuy would find it for certain. I was unaware of his absence."

Meaning, of course, that if he'd known only Wufei and potentially myself were around, he would have dumbed it down for us. I heard Wufei hiss on his end.

"So you're saying your intentions were pure."

"Pure enough, for someone like me," he said, and the way he leaned back stank of confidence. I was trembling, so difficult was it to keep myself from hitting the man. "I am still a bit concerned about the focus on Caribol, even after its initial destruction. Now that it's completely ruined, however, I can't imagine the threat. Especially now that my end is also complete. Still, we should see if there is anything else connecting them."

Une's lips were thin. "You will be doing that from within the walls of this building. Until I have everything checked out, Agent Merquise, consider yourself on probation."

"Of course."

The bastard stood with a regal flourish and bowed again before turning to exit the room. He turned. "Oh. May I ask who it was who finally found my message?"

Une nodded her head to me. "That would be Agent Maxwell."

He looked at me with sharp surprise. I don't think he could have been more shocked if he'd been told it had been a half-dead warthog. "I see." And he continued on out the door.

I waited two full seconds before standing myself, far less regally, and punched my hand, not knowing anything else in the room that I could punch without getting in trouble. "I'll fucking kill him," I growled. Wufei stood, as well, and I could see an equal sort of restlessness in him.

"As tempting as I'm sure that is for you," Une drawled, "I'd prefer to not have to deal with the paperwork. Now, the both of you have work to get back to, and I would absolutely love it if you did. Get out of my office."

Wufei and I both did, though I didn't bother with the bullshit bow and therefore was the first of the two of us out. He followed in just another second and we stared at each other for a short moment. And I found us doing that same partner-conversation, that silent communication, and was stunned by it.

And we parted ways, both of us knowing that the other was livid with Merquise, that Wufei wanted to rip his fucking head off his shoulders, and that neither of us would be putting our guards down at work for quite a while.

* * *

"Tell me."

"Jesus Christ, Yuy, I'm hardly in the house."

Heero was in his wheelchair, most likely to avoid the distraction of an argument, and was waiting practically right inside the damn door. I dropped my keys in the bowl on the sofa table just inside the door and turned to him. "May I change out of this damn outfit first, please? I swear to god, the woman chose these clothes specifically to make us feel stupid in them."

"She did no such thing," he argued, and his words told me I had a few minutes to lose the polo shirt and fancy pants. I hurried up to my room and sighed. I could easily talk to Heero about my conversation with Trowa, but what would I say about Greaves? Since I'd had no initial intention to hide his visit, I'd just taped up a note to the door without worrying about it.

I should have worried about it.

No doubt Heero's insistence was because he'd been puttering around – or walking around, the stupid dick – and had found the note. So now he knew that someone had dropped by while I was alone, and judging from the note and the question I'd asked him before I'd left, he could only assume it was Greaves.

So what the hell was I going to say?

I thought quick, even as I returned downstairs, and Heero had moved from his wheelchair to the couch, and it was obvious he was planning for me to sit next to him. I had a feeling it was more to be able to study my eyes more than it was a desire to be close.

I smiled at him. "Geez, Heero, you'd think I hadn't bloody well promised to tell you everything." And I felt guilty as sin, because I intended to do nothing of the sort. "Where do you want me to start?"

Heero looked pointedly to the kitchen.

"Uh, Heero, both conversations happened in the kitchen."

"So you don't deny he was here."

"I __told__ you," I huffed, "I'll tell you __everything__ when I get home. And why the fuck would I hide it? Better yet, __how__? I stuck up a sign on the kitchen door!"

Heero gave me an interesting little look, both assessing and... pouty? I stifled that thought before it made me laugh and sat down beside Heero. "So I take it you want to hear about Greaves first?"

"Yes. I do."

I was disconcerted there for a second; that was exactly how Merquise had spoken to Une. It made me frown. "He came in the back door when I was done cleaning the dishes."

"He broke in?"

"Uh-huh," I answered carefully, and saw the immediate Perfect Soldier look. "He didn't attack or anything. I don't know that he even had a weapon. I didn't see any, not even his little needle-things. Then again, he __is__ a cyborg, isn't he..."

"Duo." Heero's voice was a warning.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Anyway, he came in and told me he'd found one of the predecessors and that he would send me information later." I told the absolute truth; he'd told me all that. He'd just told me something else. And he'd given me something.

I would explain all of that, I really would. It would just be __after__ Trowa and I went to see him. __After__ we went through his files and tried to track down something before Greaves did, or something Greaves missed.

 _ _After__ the danger had passed.

"He would give the information to __you__?"

"Yeah. Apparently because my lover wants him dead."

"I said I would only maim him." Though it looked like Heero was rethinking the idea. "So he'll wait until you're alone."

Well that made him sound like some sort of assassin. "Yeah."

Heero leaned forward and snagged my lips in a quick, deep kiss. I was so surprised I didn't get to return it before it was over. "I will not have you doing anything dangerous," Heero snapped. "And if it's to make sure he doesn't do anything to you, I will refrain from harming him. So put that on your note. Got it?"

I blinked. "Uh... sure?"

"Good." That apparently settled, Heero sat back. "Did he give you any information?"

And this would be where I had to lie. "He just said he'd get back to me."

Heero frowned, but he didn't say anything to that. "Fine. And Trowa?"

I beamed at him. "Can you believe it's actually good news?"

A small tension left Heero's shoulders. "I'd been fairly certain, but I'm glad to know without a doubt."

I gasped. "You ass! You mean you knew he wasn't pissed with me anymore?"

"I had an idea."

"Asshole!"

But Heero just leaned forward and kissed me again, this time a lot longer, and I carefully returned it, letting the fire course through me, letting myself, for a very short moment, fall into it. But eventually I made us part, feeling my control slipping, feeling the desire to push him down and pull him toward me and knowing without a doubt that doing so would hurt him.

Heero looked frustrated for a second, but then his face smoothed over. "I love you."

I laughed; he'd just kissed me so hard I'd wondered if he was trying to suck out my soul, and he was telling me he loved me? It seemed a bit redundant. I leaned in closer to him, until our noses brushed. "I love you, too, Heero. Even though you're annoying as shit."

"And I'll love you despite your emo poet soul."

"I'll kill you for that one."

"And I'll forgive you for stealing my lines."

I laughed again, absolutely delighted. I couldn't imagine having a more perfect relationship – except, of course, for the annoying discomfort in my pants.

* * *

* * *

Trowa and Quatre were too damn prompt. I was enjoying sleep, dreaming painfully erotic dreams, Phantom Heero's lips trailing lower and lower, and then that damn doorbell clanged through my skull.

I awoke in the worst of moods.

Heero, of course, was already awake, the little prick, and I heard him welcoming Quatre and Trowa into the house. "Wheelchair!" I shouted, and traipsed pissily to the bathroom.

"In it!" he called back, and I swear I could hear the fucker smirking. I was sorely tempted to pee on the toilet, but in the end I would have to clean it up, since Heero's healing collarbone probably wouldn't heal well with him bending over on his knees. So I was louder than necessary washing my face and hands and getting dressed.

When I finally made my way downstairs, Quatre and Trowa were conversing loudly with one another, making comments that were answered just as loudly by Heero, who was most definitely cooking something up in the kitchen. I barely managed a good morning to our two guests before stomping into the kitchen.

I was waylaid in my efforts to yell at Heero for doing the opposite of what I said to do – pure stubborn factor on both of our parts, I was sure – when the smell of bacon and eggs hit my nose. Heero Yuy was not a bacon person. Which meant it was for me.

Fuck. I couldn't stay mad at him when I was going all emotionally gooey and my damn mouth was drooling.

"Good morning, Duo." The bastard didn't look at me, but I could still see the triumphant smirk on his face. The ass knew he'd won this round.

"I'll get you next time," I grumbled, and looked at the eggs. They were almost ready.

"So I have permission to do it again?"

"No!" I snapped, glaring, but he was already ignoring me for what Trowa had just said. I'd tuned him out.

"Where will you be going?" Heero asked.

Oh, shit. Trowa must've brought up our secret plans for the day.

"Calm down, Yuy. I'll bring him back alive."

Trowa's sarcasm made Heero blush, but he looked about ready to battle for the information, anyway. I wanted to be angry about it, but I could understand the fear. When stuck in a wheelchair, it's rather difficult to have someone you cared for out of your sight. How could you be sure that person was safe? Fears always got compounded when one was physically incapacitated.

So I shouted, "don't goad him, Trowa," and followed it up with a short, "we're only going on a drive. Trowa promised me a milkshake, too."

"Small," he called out, playing along as Heero assessed me.

"Medium," I bartered.

" _ _Small__ ," he repeated.

"Extra chocolate. And __large__."

"...Medium."

Heero sighed while I grinned in victory and pumped a fist. "Boo-yah!"

"Your food's ready," he said, and I looked down at him as he moved over to grab a plate. I went over and fetched it for him, more easily able to reach it.

"And you?" I asked carefully, scooping my over-easy eggs onto the plate with the spatula Heero had used to cook them.

"I already ate. An hour ago."

I looked down at him to assess his eyes. "Really?"

Heero looked ready to snap at me, but that considering look came over his face and I realized he was thinking about how it felt from __my__ perspective, from how he'd felt when he was the one taking care of the injured. And he sighed. "Really."

"Okay." And I let it go, grabbing my bacon and sticking one immediately into my mouth before I moved to enter the living room. Heero had already given up telling me to eat in the kitchen, way back when I'd first been stuck in a wheelchair. He'd eventually gotten used to the idea of not being tied to his table to eat, so I was safe to sit and enjoy.

"When are you going to be ready to go?" Trowa asked as I munched. "I thought you'd be up by now."

"Stupid hours," I muttered, gulping down the bacon and slipping in another. Heero moved from his wheelchair to the sofa, and without thinking we linked hands. "I'm still not used to getting up at the same damn time for five straight days for no damn good reason. I'm in there two damn hours before I teach that class, and then all I do is research and shit since I don't have a partner."

Quatre smiled. "It's odd, thinking of you with a nine-to-five job."

"Odd? Damn, Qat, it __blows__. How the hell do you do it?"

"Practice," he answered easily, and I threw a piece of bacon at him. He caught it and popped it in his mouth, grinning wickedly at my petulant glare.

I caught Heero's torn gaze and knew he was trying very hard not to hover. It made me grin. "We'll be good, Heero," I promised, just barely skirting the edges of truth. "Hey, Qat, what're you doing today?"

But Quatre was already rolling his eyes. "As soon as Trowa told me you were heading out together, I decided to stay here with Heero. You don't need to worry. We'll keep each other occupied wondering about what the two of you will manage to get into, who's coming back with the black eye, and whether you're going to end up calling to inform us that one of you is in the hospital."

I chuckled a little uneasily, my thoughts on exactly what we were preparing to do. "Uh, I really don't think it'll come to that, Qat." I carefully kept my eyes away from Trowa's face.

Heero's eyes narrowed.

"If it did, Trowa would be out on his ass tonight." Quatre glared at his lover in warning.

"Qat, why do you assume I would lose?"

Quatre's startled eyes flashed back to me. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean that..." He saw my cocky grin and scowled. "Nevermind. I'll give him a gift if he knocks you out."

"How could I resist that?" Trowa said, and even though his voice was teasing, I cast him a wary glance. It looked safe. Maybe.

"Duo, you'll be careful, won't you?"

Heero's voice was more assessing than concerned, though both were in abundance. I stopped eating for a moment and grinned at him. "Heero, I already promised to be good. But if you want, I promise to not jump out of the car, throw myself through windows, or otherwise do something reckless and stupid."

"That would be the day," Heero muttered, and I stuck my tongue at him, not wanting to sacrifice another piece of bacon.

The conversation eventually turned to more mundane things, Quatre's work, Heero's frustration at his inability to __move.__ I just grinned at him understandingly during that one and he shot me a couple dark, comprehending glares. It was about time the ass knew what being an invalid was supposed to be like. At least I was learning that he really __was__ human; his usual recovery rate had made me wonder, even __before__ the whole Caribol gig. I hid my grimace at the memories with a giant bite of food.

Then I was done with my meal and Trowa and I were heading out, a last "see you" to Heero to let him know I had every intention of returning to the house safe and sound. Then Trowa and I hit the open road.

"So..." I started shortly after we left the house, me in the passenger seat, dammit all, and Trowa driving Quatre's rather ostentatious vehicle.

"So what?"

"Um, so I guess you did the research, too, and know where to go?"

Trowa snorted. "No. I'm driving aimlessly."

Sarcastic bastard.

"I was a little surprised to find that he was only a couple of hours away." I looked out the window, my eyes scanning the gas stations and fast food restaurants we passed. To think that only a state away was a man who had been Quatre's predecessor. A man who was so insane that he ate Asians. I shuddered at the thought, my imagination filling in an image of Heero near the man. Thank goodness Trowa had agreed with me and kept the secret from Heero and Qat.

"You do realize that Heero will be furious."

It wasn't a question, and he wasn't even looking at me, both hands on the wheel as he rolled us out onto the highway. I looked down at my lap. At some point I'd entwined my fingers around each other until my hands clasped one another rather awkwardly. "Yeah. He'll be absolutely livid."

"He may not forgive you."

I snorted. "I don't think it will be that bad." Still, I couldn't forget that night, that painful moment when Heero had doubted our future. I remembered how terrifying it had been, to see that iron resolve tremble. And I was afraid. "Quatre will be furious with you, too, you know."

Trowa's lips thinned. "I've already warned him that he won't be happy with what I'm going to be doing with you today."

I thought about that for a moment. Trowa switched lanes and sped up a bit as he found a nice slice of open road. "That probably wouldn't have worked with Heero."

"He never would have let you go," Trowa agreed. "The both of you are disgustingly stubborn."

I glared at him. "Well, excuse me."

"I'll try."

The man had a bloody retort for everything.

"So how did the meeting with Zechs go?"

"The bastard's off the hook," I snarled, immediately shoving my fear and frustration onto that rat. "He said some bullshit about expecting Heero to find the encrypted file and not having known that he'd been gone." I carefully skated through the euphemism for Heero's whereabouts. "He said he'd've dumbed it down for us poor, ignorant souls if he'd known."

"So his motive was pure, if not his actions."

My lips literally pulled back, almost like a rottweiler's. "Fuck pure. The bastard was trying to show Heero up. Arrogant ass."

Trowa was silent then for a long time, and I flashed back into the knowledge that our relationship was still a bit tentative. I flicked my eyes back over to him. "You're fine," he said lowly. "I'm thinking."

I let him go about whatever thought processes were flying through his head and stared back out the window. I read a boring billboard about some radio station and let my mind just wander aimlessly. It wanted to land on morbid thoughts, thoughts about Caribol and Greaves and how it would feel to be digested. So I let those images fade and thought about strangling Zechs. My lips curled up without any volition from my brain.

"You don't like him."

It had been so long I blinked rather stupidly at Trowa, not really knowing what the hell he was talking about. It finally clicked that he was talking about Zechs, and my mouth popped open before I could tell it to stay quiet. "You could tell?"

His lips flickered into a quick smile, but he dropped it rather quickly. "Yes, thank you. I could. Why?"

"You mean other than the fact that he's a reprehensible human being with the moral construct of a deranged rhino?"

He turned on his blinkers and took an exit. I recognized the road from the directions I'd memorized; he was definitely going the right way. "Yes, Duo. Other than that." He sounded exasperated, but rather amused, too. I figured I was still safe.

"Because he kept trying to kill Heero."

His eyes turned to me for the first time since we'd started the conversation, seeming surprised. They quickly returned to the road. "I should have guessed that."

"You're still used to thinking of me as a complete asstard."

He snorted then, a shocked kind of outburst. He seemed surprised again, this time because of his spontaneous mirth. "I suppose" was all he said.

We were silent for the rest of the trip, me returning to the beautiful image of Zechs' face blotching up, Trowa... thinking whatever. I considered a new way of killing the bastard after a time, tired of feeling his pulse slow under my fingertips, and decided to throw a grocery bag over his head and watch him suffocate __that__ way. Because suffocation just seemed the best way to kill him. I think my grin turned a bit feral, but Trowa didn't say anything about it and I was having far too much fun to stop.

* * *

The building was fucking creepy.

It wasn't creepy in the holy-crap-it's-huge way that Caribol had been, but in the prison-death-house kind of way. Plain white concrete, with thin, long windows that were barred up, as if anyone could fit through one without first becoming completely boneless. The yard, what there was of it, was dead and brown and depressing in and of itself, and the door was metal and thick. I blinked at the sign in front of the building, ostentatiously cheery-looking, welcoming visitors – I doubted there were many – to Harperville Psychiatric Institute in bright gold print.

Creepy.

I understand, thank you, that I am an ex-Gundam pilot. I understand that I have faced down hoards of enemies and have laughed in the face of death several times, sometimes literally. But I hovered and cowered in front of that building like any other sane person on the planet.

Hey – I'm a war orphan from L2 who's adopted family was murdered and who joined an undercover organization that sent me to fight in a war while I remained a teenager. I'm sure psychiatrists would think they had some work to do with me.

So Trowa pushed my ass forward and I trudged fearfully toward an interesting world of hell.

* * *

"I understand, sirs, that you're from Preventors, but I ask that you be careful nonetheless. Carn is very dangerous."

The doctor I'd tricked into showing Trowa and myself to Carn's room – a room, we'd learned, that had been made and designed specifically for him – was leading us down a white, empty hall. In order to keep him in his room, in order to keep the orderlies safe when they needed to wash him, feed him, or take care of anything else, the orderlies had to create a place that specifically catered to Carn's... needs.

The doctor didn't stop until he was at the end of the hall; a thick door the color of slate sat formidably in front of us. There was a tiny hole in the wall by the metal door for, according to the doctor, a freaking tranquilizer gun. I'd had a hard time containing my laughter at the idea of it, but I could hear the banging, clanging and bashing going on beyond the door, and I was a little more convinced.

"Will he be stopping any time soon?" Trowa asked, obviously referring to the noises inside.

"He gets tired easily now, since he's lost a lot of weight. As I said, we may be able to feed him now that we have that mechanical in-tray, but he doesn't eat much. He just doesn't like the meat."

My mind filled in the idea of the guy – who's pictures didn't exist anywhere on the Internet – and figured Heero into the equation. The faceless Carn was salivating. I forced myself not to shudder.

"Well," the doctor said as the banging began to subside, "I suppose the only thing left is for the two of you to interrogate him. Just remember to be careful, and make sure you maintain authority without becoming too aggressive. Good luck with that one. Sirs." The doctor put a hand on my shoulder. I tried very, very hard to remember the guy's name. Then I gave up. "Sirs, I suggest you do whatever you can to protect yourself. Carn is very capable of subduing his targets."

"Thank you. We're aware." Trowa was the one to answer the man's concern, while I was trying to remember exactly how I had planned to get answers from this psycho.

"You should stay back while we're inside," I told him.

"Trust me; I already intended to."

We waited until the doctor was out of range, and only then did I turn to Trowa. "Um, what was that dude's name again?"

Trowa just shrugged. "Do you really care?"

I thought it over for a bit. "A little."

He snorted, unlocked the three thick bolts, then pushed against the door.

I had expected Carn to try to escape through the door as soon as it was opened. You know, freedom and all that? But he didn't charge us or anything. He actually backed away a bit, one step, then a second, slower step, and cocked his head.

His hair had been buzzed off, so his oval face was unhindered by bangs or hair of any sort. A short stubble looked about to grow, though, and I remembered the doctor telling Trowa and me that they'd just washed him that morning. He said that made the man a little less irritable. Great news.

His eyes were dark, dark as night, the stubble dark, as well, but his face had the angles of a European. He was thin, a bit pale, and his mouth was muzzled with metal. He had the whole straight-jacket thing going on, too. Creepy as __fuck__.

I was the one to step forward. "You can still talk with that thing on, right?" He said nothing, but I hadn't really expected much. "We're here to ask you about the doctor who worked on you."

His lips curled back as Trowa calmly closed the door behind him. We would be trapped inside, but the doctors and nurses and shrinks would all be safe. "I smell them on you."

"The psychiatrists?" My eyebrow raised. "Congrats. Now which Doctor trained you?"

He ignored me and took a long whiff. His eyes shuttered closed, and his smile was feral.

"Hey! We're talking to you, asshole."

"Japanese," the man hissed. His eyes opened and latched on me. He could see how stiff I'd suddenly become, and he grinned. "I was right, wasn't I? But that's not the only one. You two have a __buffet__."

I snarled. "And you ain't gettin' any of it."

"Does it taste good?" he demanded. "You __have__ eaten some, haven't you? Nothing beats that flavor."

"We eat them in different ways," Trowa said blandly, cutting into my horrified fury. "Now that we've answered your questions, it's time you answered ours."

The man's eyes were shining brightly, but they turned on Trowa with deadly strength. "I have no reason to help you."

"No. But it's not like you anything better to do with your time. Unless you'd like to keep pounding against the walls," he added helpfully. It made Carn's lips curl.

The room was creeping me out. My shoulders wanted to hunch, and my eyes kept scanning the surroundings. The padded walls had been beaten on so much some places were sunk in towards the walls more than other areas. My eyes narrowed; the walls' padding needed to be redone; some places looked like he might be able to actually hurt himself if he kept pounding in those areas.

Then again, let him splatter himself. It would be a load off my shoulders, if nothing else.

"The doctor didn't give me a name," Carn growled, his eyes shifting between the two of us. "Tell them to give me some real meat, and I'll give you anything I can remember."

"'Real meat' means not human, buddy." I looked back to him, concentrating on his greedy eyes, on his mouth, the thin lips and curl that made him seem wild and evil.

Those lips lifted again, showing almost-yellow teeth and a small gap between the front two. "Then tell them to leave the blood."

Oh, that's sick.

Carn caught my look and licked his lips for my benefit. I glared at him.

"We'll see what we can do, Carn, but we can't tell them to go out and kill the cow and bring the meat in just for you. Besides, there are health regulations."

"Fuck regulations," Carn spat, and began pacing restlessly back in forth in front of us. "I want food – real food. I want what I can smell on you." He was snarling, yanking at his restraints. "It's been so long – too long. Do you know the taste of human flesh on your tongue? You can almost feel the emotions they'd felt. Especially if they're still alive."

Shit. This guy __was__ salivating.

"That bastard sold me out, and for what? For some little Asian baby brat. And when I escaped, when I wanted to make him and the others just desserts – I sacrificed – I ate one despite the taste – he would see... they can't... I won't stay in here forever, no, and then-"

"Thank you for your information," Trowa said gruffly. I found I wasn't quite able to make my lungs work. "We'll see what we can do for you regarding your diet."

The man swung toward us, his eyes feverish now. "That's right. That's right, you know about the doctors. Bloody fucking drugs. But you know the doctors. You know – you have a Japanese – __you!__ "

The man lunged then, but Trowa and I were already moving, prepared as soon as we'd seen him starting to put the pieces together. Both of us kicked him square in the gut, below his arms. Winded, he fell.

Trowa moved straight for the door, easily gripping the small recess that curled into a handle. "Duo, let's go. We're leaving." He opened the door and stepped outside and turned back, but I wasn't listening to him. I'd already stomped my way over to Carn.

I picked the man up and shoved my face up against his muzzle, ignoring the cool feel of the metal on my face. "You will be stuck in here until the end of time, you filthy worm," I hissed, and his gasping attempts for air made it impossible for him to interrupt. "You will __never__ get near him again."

I shoved the fucker back onto the floor and followed after Trowa. I closed and latched the door myself.

We were back in the car, Trowa pulling out of the institute's parking lot, when my head fell into my hands of its own accord. "Shit," I murmured, and wished I could go back inside and kill that man myself.

"And now that the potential disaster is over, you will speak to Heero about this?"

It was a question, but Trowa hadn't asked it like it was. "Of course," I answered anyway, then said, "I can't believe this shit. Quatre's predecessor is __that__?"

"I'm more concerned about 'the others' and 'ate him despite the taste,'" Trowa said, but his hands were stiff on the wheel. I could tell he and Quatre would be talking tonight, too.

"The others... well, if it's what I think, then I know who he ate. Unless he ate __all__ of the guy." I bit my lip.

Trowa was only a silent for a moment, then he tensed like a bow. His knuckles went white. "You mean J."

"I may be wrong, but I can't imagine that guy just rolling over and playing dead."

"Well, at the rate this is going, I think we need to find the other two. So far, all three have had it in for at least one of us."

I snorted. "Yeah. Ain't fame great?"

* * *

* * *

Trowa had been the one to remember to buy the milkshakes, but I'd been so disturbed by the entire idea of Carn having potentially eaten J, or maybe someone else, but the man had definitely recognized that someone __Japanese__ was a part of the old Gundam team – well, I wasn't hungry.

Besides, my mind was filled enough with whatever Carn considered food.

Trowa and Quatre didn't stay long once we were all reunited, and the glances they threw at one another were very similar to the glances being thrown at me by Heero. I already knew the shit was going to hit the fan, but I wasn't necessarily looking forward to the experience.

Then again, I didn't regret my decision at all, either.

We'd arrived at about dinnertime, but Trowa and Quatre were out the door even as Heero and I invited them to stay. Heero had already begun cooking, with Quatre's help, and everything was sitting and waiting for us to eat. As soon as the door was closed behind our friends, I went out to the kitchen and started the tea, knowing Heero was going to lay into me.

"Something happened."

"Thank you, I know." My weary tone must have sent something to him, because he simply wheeled himself my way and waited by the table. I dunked the bags in the heated water and grabbed the honey and made my eventual way to the table. Heero was cooking some ham casserole; it smelled divine.

Heero was practically chomping at the bit, trying to get me to say what was on my mind, but he let me hand him his cup and open the top of the honey before he snapped.

"Well?"

I squirted a liberal dollop of honey into the tea and sighed. "Trowa and I didn't fight."

"Then what __happened?__ " he pressed. His fingers rolled around the cup, but he didn't drink. He was waiting.

"So you remember Greaves coming and talking to me?" I asked, taking a drink now while I could. Before Heero started strangling me.

I had expected the sharp clutching of the tea, but I hadn't expected the guarded, Perfect Soldier look that entered his eyes. "Yes."

Okay, so maybe things would be a little worse than I'd expected. "Okay, so remember how I said he didn't tell me anything?"

"Just get it out, Duo."

Oh, shit was he pissed. "Okay." I took a deep breath. "So he actually __had__ told me something, only I didn't tell you. Or Wufei, or Quatre."

Heero was deadly silent for a short moment, and I watched that Perfect Soldier come out into the open. "What?"

Because __what__ was more important than __why__ on the battlefield.

"Heero, I'm going to explain __everything.__ So please... stop looking at me like that?"

Heero seemed confused for a moment, as if what I was saying had to filter through something. "Explain, then."

Okay. The Perfect Soldier had cracked, but not all that much. He was probably worried sick, which he would consider a weakness that might get the two of us in danger. I took another breath. "We aren't in danger. Or at least, what I did today won't bring danger here."

"Duo-"

" _ _Fine__." I drank again and stared pointedly at Heero's cup. He ignored the glance. "So Greaves told me about one of the five that he'd managed to find, and I called Trowa because the man ate Asians and... and I..." But I kind of petered out, oddly intimidated by the look. But I'd found the immunity to it long ago, and with a small, almost soundless whimper, I whipped on the Jester mask. "I happened to remember that you're a Japanese guy, and I'd heard rumors that Japan was in Asia, which" I faked a shocked gasp, "doesn't that make you an Asian?"

Heero's eyes narrowed. "Duo, are you telling me that you went out to meet a cannibal without me because you were concerned about my safety?"

"Yeah, I guess it could be said like that. He's in a mental ward, if that matters."

"It doesn't."

"Didn't think so."

That Perfect Soldier mask, despite what many thought, did __not__ make Heero unfortunate-looking. It didn't look right, of course – the laughter and the smiles were a billion times better – but Heero still looked damned __hot__ , even as the Perfect Soldier. His eyes were glassier, but the dark cobalt was still stunning, and in a more dangerous way than when he was content or happy. His wild hair looked windswept, even though I could tell, on close inspection, that it was simply due to his habit of running his hands through it. His angular looks had pushed him even more firmly on the dangerous side of good-looking, and in the end the dead, get-close-and-die look painfully suited him. Just as, I suppose, the goofy Jester suited __me__.

"What happened?"

So I gave Heero a rundown, crazy hand gestures and all, and cracked as many jokes as possible. Heero didn't even smile for one of them.

It was after I'd given him the entire story, from beginning to end (including the milkshakes) that Heero finally __moved__. He was up from his chair in no time, his hands carefully loose, ready to grab or fight or hurt as needed. He came over to stand over me.

"Are you __stupid?"__ I cried, jumping up from my seat, mask forgotten. Heero shouldn't be standing, the dumbass, but when the Perfect Soldier was in charge, pain didn't even register for the man. "Get the hell off your feet, Heero, before-" I reacted on instinct, stepping back and moving my hand up to block, but the only reason I didn't fall ass-first was because Heero had stopped his punch mid-air.

"Okay, um, Heero, can you not? I'd rather not get punched by you again."

At the word __again__ , Heero physically flinched. "Duo," he sighed, and his hand dropped. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's good. Just get back in your damn wheelchair." I stood up straight again.

"No."

"Heero-"

"You went behind my back and jumped into danger simply because I'm too weak right now to properly care for myself. I'm not returning to the wheelchair."

"Okay, so you'll make yourself even weaker?" I grabbed his trembling fist and entwined our fingers. "Yes, I went out on a limb to protect you. I distinctly remember you doing something equally annoying with me once or twice. And you know, I called Trowa and he __agreed__ with me to keep it secret. Okay? We both kept it secret, because both of the ones we love are Asians. If you knew you had to meet a cannibal who liked Americans, you would've locked me up somewhere to keep me from going with you. So get back in your damn wheelchair, okay?"

Heero glared at me, but his eyes were softening again and he just sighed again and sat back down. "Duo, dammit..."

"I know, I know. I pissed you off, I got it. I'd be beyond furious. But at the same time, I needed to make sure the cannibal didn't see you, because the bastard sure as fuck __remembered__ you. Remember how I said he jumped at me? Remember? What if you'd __been__ there? Jesus, I don't want to even think about it."

"Duo-"

"We assessed the threat, and he's holed up in that building pretty damn well. That's one more down, all right? We're starting to get there, and Greaves is helping, and if there hadn't been any damn Asian fetish I would have told you."

Heero gave me a sharp glance there, but he saw my sincerity and dropped his head in his hands. "I understand."

I sighed a hard breath of relief. "All righty then."

"I'm still pissed."

"I would be, too. I would be so damn furious I wouldn't be able to see straight."

"Duo, I knew that you and Trowa might get into a fight, but I didn't know I might __lose__ you." His head fell into his hands as he thought, most likely picturing the what-ifs.

Okay, yeah, __that__ one I could empathize with. "Heero, I'm sorry." I didn't know what else I could say to that one.

"I'll deal with it." He looked like he was dealing with it by getting ready to lecture me again.

"Heero, please don't. I'm really sorry, okay? I'd already known that you would be pissed. I'd known that I was doing something that you would hate. But-"

"I said I understand," he said.

There wasn't anything else I could do. I raked a hand through my bangs and cursed the damn world for giving me so many damn problems. And now that I was done talking to Heero, I was so damn tired I felt like I'd been drugged. Heero was still cradling his head in his hands, and I knew I should probably stay with him, but I headed out to the living room and laid down on the sofa and in an instant I was dead asleep.

* * *

"Duo. Duo, please wake up; I can't carry you with this damn clavicle of mine."

I moaned and rolled over. "No. Don't wanna."

"Duo, I can't lift you!"

"Mm-hm."

"Duo!"

My eyes snapped open and I jumped up into a sitting position, just barely missing Heero's head. I turned to him blearily. "Heero?"

It was dark out, the curtains drawn, the door, I checked, bolted and latched. Heero, I saw with relief, was giving me a cocked-headed smirk. "Good morning."

"Isn't it nighttime?"

"It's one o'clock. I let you sleep for a while – I'd hoped it might help you – but it's really, really late, and I can't-"

"Mm. Uh, yeah. Sorry." I scratched at the nape of my neck. Heero looked much calmer than before, though his hair was even messier. "So... we okay?"

"Okay enough. You're right; I would have chained you back if it had been the other way around, broken clavicle or no."

I chuckled a little uneasily. I would like to think I'd be able to beat him if it had come to a full-fledged fight, but even if I did fight seriously, I couldn't say for certain that I would be able to win. If Heero wanted to win, he could become oblivious to any sort of pain, and then how could I win? The bastard could blow himself up and survive, for Christ's sake. I mean, what the hell?

So Heero and I went upstairs, Heero choosing to walk up instead of hopping up, and I let him, understanding the need to be strong. Right now, he was probably feeling his weakness like never before.

I went into my room and listened to Heero as he made his way to his. His steps were strong. I had no doubt that Heero was healing faster than a normal person, and he would only try to hurry the time it took even more. There was nothing I could do about it, since I'd been the one to instigate it. "Shit," I breathed, and closed my door.

"Took you forever."

I froze, then moved, quick as lightning, onto the floor and rolled.

"Calm down, Strike. It's me."

The words were unnecessary; immediately after beginning to defend, I had recognized the voice. I growled as I pivoted onto my feet. "Greaves. What the hell are you doing? How did you get in here?"

"I'm a cyborg, remember?" The man smiled grimly from his place on my bed. "I can do many things. Along with hide my presence from you. It was a modification I'd used before, back when I'd been targeting you."

"Uh-huh. So what're you doing here?" I moved over to the dresser and opened a drawer, pretending to grab my pajamas.

"You went to see Carn. It probably wasn't a good idea."

"No shit? I'm gonna have nightmares about him for days." I grabbed out the PJ's anyway, just in case Heero was listening closely. Greaves and I were carefully keeping our voices down, but I was wondering if I should have been raising my voice anyway, or at least arguing for Heero to be in the room with us. But I left it for now. Greaves obviously had something to tell me.

"They'll be coming for real, most likely. He'd been giving up his quest for freedom, but now that Carn has smelled Quatre Raberba Winner and Heero Yuy on Trowa Barton's and your skins, his efforts have been renewed. By morning, he'll most likely be free."

I frowned, ready to argue, but then I remembered those worn areas I'd seen before and paused. He may very well be right. And dammit, but I'd forgotten to ask Heero about J.

There was no time for that. "If that's true, I need to get over to Harperville __now__."

"That would be best. Would you like company?"

I hesitated. "Could you-" I looked to the wall beside me, my heart thumping unevenly. "Heero-"

"He's already angry with you."

"No shit? I need to get in touch with Trowa." I was already moving. "Heero's probably listening to me right now, hearing me move around like this. Go talk to him? Apologize for me?"

Greaves sighed. "I could be the one to take care of Carn."

I hesitated again. That thought hadn't even entered my mind. Would that work? Greaves was certainly capable, and though I would hate the wait, wouldn't it be better for __me__ to be here with Heero? "Why didn't you go take care of it instead of coming to see me, then?"

"Honestly? To see what you would do."

"What I would...?" It was a test? "Dammit, Greaves." I clenched my eyes shut, paced. Heero would be coming in soon; I didn't have the time to think about it!

In the end, my decision was based solely on how I thought Heero would react. "Greaves... could you..."

The man smiled. "Of course. I'll take care of Carn. You stay here with your family."

"Greaves. Thank you."

The words were mine, but a much deeper inflection echoed them. I froze again. The pajamas fell from my limp grasp.

Heero entered the room, deliberately walking straight and true. "You are Greaves, then."

"Yes. I suppose I should apologize, both for not meeting you and for the damages I had incurred both to your house and to Strike."

"That would be a good start, yes." Heero stopped beside me and crossed his arms. And waited.

"Heero-"

"Enough. I'm pissed enough that you didn't immediately contact me when you found out he'd arrived."

"I'd been considering it," I said.

"But you __didn't__."

"I should go." Greaves stood gracefully from the bed and tapped his forehead in a lazy salute. "It was a pleasure, Heero Yuy. You have a very strong lover. You should be proud of the love he has for you."

I blushed furiously as he lazily opened up the window and dropped boredly to the ground. My jaw dropped before I remembered the whole __cyborg__ part of the deal.

"Dammit, Duo-"

"Heero, please, I'm already freaking out." I had a rush of adrenaline that didn't know what to do with itself. I wanted to be out there fighting, driving like a madman to reach the institute before psycho Carn was out of his room, but instead I was stuck on protection duty. I clenched my eyes shut for a short second, then got busy. First things first: I had a couple of phone calls to make.

"So what were you asking Carn to do? I can only guess that you wanted him to do it so you didn't leave my side. Does it have anything to do with Carn?" Heero was a constant, nagging presence by my side, even down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Yes, it's about Carn. Greaves says he might get loose."

"Might?"

"Well he can't read the future, now can he?" I raked a hand through my bangs and huffed out a sharp breath. "Sorry, that wasn't necessary. Get in your damn wheelchair, Heero Yuy. I need you able to move if something happens."

Heero stopped his argument short when he heard me say that. "He's that dangerous?" he asked, leaving my side for a short moment to do as told. I snatched the phone and followed him. It was terrifying to not have him in sight.

"Hell, yes, he is." I punched in the quick dial for Trowa. "He's psychotic and obsessed and he said he'd eaten someone before. 'Despite the taste,' he'd said. Do you know how J lost his arm?"

"Yes," Heero said easily, and I could already tell the answer from his voice. "I watched a man eat it once, a couple of years or so before Operation M."

When the man had been replaced by Quatre, no doubt. "That would be Carn."

"Hn."

I wasn't thrilled about the return of the monosyllables, but it meant Heero was readying himself for battle, which was good. And he was in his wheelchair, which was even better. "All right. Trowa? Hey, thank God. Where's Quatre? Good; don't let him out of your sight. Greaves has contacted me; Carn might be breaking loose soon. How should I know?" I listened to Trowa's angry demand for explanations and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "I don't know, all right? I suggest you and Qat come over here; I can't move Heero very quickly. I'll get a hold of Wufei."

There was no time for pleasantries. Trowa gave me a quick "fine" and hung up.

"I swear to God, that man's gonna hate me all over again." I dialed for Wufei and went back up to Heero's room and mine, grabbing both of our guns and coming straight back down. Wufei wasn't answering. "Shit, shit, shit!"

I thought hard, then dialed Sally Po's number. I couldn't be sure, but I could swear Wufei had a relationship with the woman. I'd made sure to get her number when I'd started working for Preventors. "Sally?"

"Duo Maxwell? What the fuck – do you know what __time__ it is?"

"Where's Wufei? Do you know?"

The woman was instantly more aware, her voice no longer groggy. "He left about two hours ago, said he was going to go out and think for a bit. Why? Wait – how did you know that we were-"

"Because you go goo-goo when you talk about him and he can't look me in the eyes when I mention you. Do you know where he goes to think?"

"There's a meadow off the edge of Level Park that has some wildflowers; he goes there most often. And what do you mean he can't look into your eyes? And __why__ -"

"He's embarrassed, I think, because he blushes, which is hilarious. Where's Level Park?"

A quick spurt of directions told me he was a good fifteen minutes away. "Fuck. Okay; got it. There's a problem, but we'll be getting it taken care of, so sit tight. Best thing you can do is be ready for another call with some doctor's provisions, 'kay?"

She didn't hesitate. "Got it. Make sure you're all alive, got it, Maxwell?"

I swear, the woman was fantastic. "On it, ma'am."

"Damn straight."

"Well?" Heero asked. His brows were drawn together with worry.

"I can't get a hold of him; Sally says he's most likely at Level Park."

"Sally?"

"Oh, come on, Heero. I told you I'd spoken to Sally my first day, remember?"

"Yes. And then you'd followed it up with the 'weird vibes' from Wufei. I'd blown it off."

"Teach you." I double-checked my gun despite the fact that Heero'd done the same while I'd spoken. "Where the hell is Trowa?" I hissed, but the bell rang just as I finished my sentence.

"Duo, get the damn door!"

"Coming!" I snapped open the door and let Quatre and Trowa into the house. Trowa looked furious, but Quatre was calm.

"Status?" the blond asked, already taking over.

"Heero's obviously not that maneuverable, and I have to go fetch Wufei."

"What?" Heero hissed.

I bent down and kissed him quickly on the lips. "He's after Asians, Heero," I murmured. "I __have__ to get Wufei out of danger. I'll be back with him as soon as possible. Greaves is already heading toward the institute; with luck this'll blow over without a fight. Quatre, Trowa, you guys all set?"

"We're good. Get Wufei and rendezvous with us here," Quatre said quietly.

"Quatre!" Heero snapped.

"He's right; we need Wufei. He doesn't even know there's danger out there. Do you know where he is?"

"Sally Po says he's most likely at Level Park."

"Probably," Quatre said lowly, nodding.

Trowa blinked. "Sally Po?"

"Oh, for the love of – Quatre, thank you for not being oblivious. You two – work on your social skills. I'm heading out."

"Dammit – dammit, Duo, __be careful!__ "

"Idiot. Aren't you forgetting?" I winked back to him as I headed for the door. "I have some serious incentive for coming back."

Heero's eyes weren't the Perfect Soldier's as I hurried out of the house, but that of a desperate man. I felt an equally terrifying rip along the seams of my chest; I was leaving Heero to help a friend, but I was nonetheless leaving him. What if...?

But I simply jumped into my car and revved the engine to shit. The car skidded for a moment before finding purchase on the pavement and I was out of there.

* * *

* * *

The silence of the car was painful, but I couldn't turn on the radio. If I did, I would need battle music to be able to stay focused and alert, and there was no known station for battle music. Random hard rock and metal just didn't cut it for me.

Wufei would be at the meadow at Level Park __if__ he was even at the park at all. If he wasn't there, I had no idea where to look next. I had nothing on me but my gun and my cell, which had thankfully been left in my pants. I didn't have my license, but I was speeding and I didn't give a shit. Worse to worst, I would simply call Une and have her verify my existence. The woman would be pissed, but I didn't really care at that point.

I felt a little sick, thinking about what could go wrong. Had this happened because Trowa and I had gone to visit Carn, just as Greaves said? Or would it have happened anyway? Well, it was no point worrying about __that__ ; we __had__ gone to see Carn and there was nothing to be done about it now. We just had to deal with the consequences.

And I had to find Wufei __now__.

I rolled down a window and let the cold night air slap against my cheek and whip my bangs into my face. I was close now, only a few minutes more and I would be at the park. The speedometer was pushing into the triple digits, even as I reached the residential streets, and with practiced ease I swerved and fishtailed through them. The adrenaline was pumping so damn fast my foot itched to smash the gas pedal even harder.

In no time I was out of the car, hardly waiting to grab the keys before racing out, following the directions Sally had given me toward the left of the park, past the soccer field and toward what looked to be a large hill, one with spruce trees freckling the landscape. I could see a bit of what would probably be brilliant color in the daylight. Was that a person's shape, or was I making myself see things?

But as I got closer I knew it was real; I would recognize Wufei anywhere, and that was definitely him. He was standing, back straight, staring hard at the flowers at his feet. His posture said he wasn't happy. "Wufei! Danger!"

Wufei had only begun to turn to me when he reacted on instinct to the call, crunching flat onto the ground. Wide eyes stared at me from atop the hill.

I raced up fast as I could and ducked down with him. "We need to get back to the car."

"What's happening, Maxwell?"

The man wasn't in uniform, which meant he most likely didn't have his gun. "Come with me. Is your gun in your car?" And we started immediately downhill, sprinting back the way I came, eyes alert.

"No." He sounded frustrated by that fact. "Maxwell?"

"I'll explain on the way back, okay? And don't get pissed with me, because Heero's already reamed me out and dammit, Trowa agreed with me."

" _ _Barton__ agreed with you?"

"Oh, ha ha." It didn't take as long to return, simply because I had a second pair of eyes to watch out for me. Once we were back in the car, I told him the basics about Carn. I was getting tired of talking about him.

Wufei hissed in a breath and started doing something weird, twisting his arms and his neck. I recognized it as a prone-position warm-up. "So much for a nice, relaxing weekend."

"Well, at least you had your time with Sally."

"Maxwell," he growled, his wrist twisted in the wrong direction, "I already told you that-"

"Dude, how do you think I found you?"

He just hissed and said no more, content to glare out the side window, his eyes scanning the cars behind us. It was dark as all hell, but I caught the blush. I grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

"Maxwell, I swear. What is it about us Gundam pilots that attracts trouble? Especially you."

"Thanks, Wufei," I muttered, Cheshire Cat grin dimming at that one. "That one makes me feel all kinds of better."

"You're most welcome, Maxwell."

* * *

So we all sat like idiots throughout the night, each of us taking watch, only to get a message at five in the morning from Greaves, his voice disgustingly chipper.

"I've taken care of the problem, Strike."

I'd never been so pleased and so pissed at the same time before. It was rather interesting to see the same looks on the others, but Wufei and Heero looked absolutely livid, and both looked ready to place the entire blame on me.

"Maxwell, I would like a full report on this disaster, please?"

I latched onto Wufei, seeing that he had more patience than Heero, and explained, as I'd started roughly to do on the drive over, the facts about Carn, including Greaves' little speech on how Trowa and I had fueled the man's fire.

Trowa, hearing that for the first time, cursed resoundly. "So it's our fault?" he hissed.

"I don't know. He was certainly attempting escape before we arrived. Fucking hell; I need to know just what the hell Greaves did."

"And the other two?" Quatre said, his voice low. "You said this man was responsible for J's lost limb, right, Heero?"

Heero nodded, his eyes on me, never wavering, the anger still there. I glanced over to him with a bit of trepidation, wondering if he was merely biding his time until everything was settled and the others were gone.

We'd spread out in the living room, Heero and myself over by the entrance from the kitchen, while Wufei had the entrance. Trowa and Quatre were manning the windows, scanning past them every once in a while. Even after the call from Greaves, they were still tense. None of them had __done__ anything. They couldn't trust that the danger was over.

"If these men are all after our lives in some way, then we absolutely __must__ find the other two."

"We already got yours and mine," I said, turning to him. "We don't know who the other one had been altered by. Maybe it was Heero's or Wufei's?"

"And why wouldn't it be mine?" Trowa asked, looking more amused than anything else.

"Maybe because you're not that outspoken. Or maybe that's just the vibe I get."

"Good grief. 'Vibe'?" Trowa shook his head, but his eyes still searched through the darkness. Dawn was on its way in, but the dark, for now, still held its claws on the sky. Duo sighed and clicked the safety on his gun before shoving it down his pants. Heero yelled at him, but he moved into the kitchen nonetheless and grabbed the phone, hitting star-six-nine.

"Yes, Trowa," he called in belated answer. "Vibe."

"Ah, it took you sixteen minutes to trust me enough to leave your safety net?" Greaves said as greeting.

"Apparently. I wasn't in the mood to count." I looked back; the others were following me into the kitchen, none of them sure enough yet to put down their weapons. I rolled my eyes and put Greaves on speaker. "Okay, buddy, we need confirmation."

The 'we' gave him the warning that everyone was listening in, and when he spoke, I could tell he'd caught the hint. "I didn't kill him; apparently I didn't have to. He'd almost busted through the place, but he'd ended up beating himself up to do it. The man was even more insane than we imagined, if you can attempt to consider that as a possibility. When I arrived, I just had to beat him unconscious and the doctors drugged him and moved him into a different room. Not quite as fortified, but they were willing to keep him drugged up."

"Were? I thought you said you didn't kill him."

"I said I didn't have to. He was so furious about being moved and starting from scratch – and apparently also about getting cooked meat again – that he lost it and ate his own limbs."

Oh, fucking __ew__.

I clapped a hand over my mouth and quickly put down the phone. I didn't bother looking around at the faces surrounding me; I already knew they would be just as horrified and disgusted as me.

"The doctors didn't even know for a while; one had gone in to re-drug him and found the man bled out on the floor. Ironic, really. If he'd just waited, that foolish doctor would have been eaten and Carn would be loose."

That was an irony I didn't even want to consider. "Thank you, Greaves. I owe you even more."

The man downright snorted, a loud, staticky hiss over the line. "I'm simply paying back my own debts, Strike. I'll get in contact with you again later – I suppose I should speak to your lover, too?"

I blushed at that. "That'd be preferable. He's already pissed enough with me."

"Ah. Then he's not taking my advice."

The man hung up before I could yell at him. He'd most likely gotten my ass into even deeper shit, but when I'd hung up the phone and turned around, there was that strange considering look on Heero's face again, and I could only hope that it meant I was safe.

"So that's it? That's Greaves?" Wufei sounded a bit skeptical. "He'd given us a hard time those months ago. I understand that you consider him a friend, Maxwell, but can he really be trusted?"

I completely understood why Wufei was asking the question, and it was well-founded. We'd been the only ones we could count on during the war, and we'd stayed a tight-knit group. The only ones I trusted with my life were in this room. Still, I had to admit that I felt I could trust Greaves. It __had__ to be because the man was so much like Heero and Wufei meshed together – I felt like he was someone I already knew, someone with Wufei's honor and Heero's loyalty and drive.

To make Wufei get just how I felt on the matter, I was bluntly honest. "The man's target is Heero. I wouldn't leave his safety to anyone but those I had complete faith in."

It seemed enough to appease them, and that was good. If I had to say anything more, my face would most likely combust.

"Very well, then," Quatre spoke up, and he, like myself, put away his gun. "Duo, Trowa and I will drop Wufei off. Thank you for calling us all together."

"I'm sorry." I had to say it, considering. My eyes flashed down to the floor for a moment before I pulled them back up again and looked into Quatre's eyes. "I'm really sorry you all got called into something you shouldn't have."

"We'd be pissed if you didn't." I looked at Wufei, surprised.

"Duo," Heero sighed, and he was standing again, dammit. The warm hand on my shoulder, though, was too comforting to be rolled away. "It's more important that we're all safe."

That was true, probably. It was certainly how __I__ felt about the whole thing. So I just sighed again and covered Heero's hand with my own. "The danger's over, at least for now. Where should you be?" I teased.

Heero growled.

"He's right, Heero," Quatre said quietly. "If Greaves continues to find our predecessors, we all need to be prepared. Heero, that means you need to recover as quickly as possible, which can only be done in your wheelchair. Duo."

I was the one everyone was circled around still, even though we were all turned to Quatre. I felt a little hemmed in; everyone turned to look at me when Quatre said my name. "Yeah?"

"If you hear or need __anything__ , you contact one of us. I'm glad you called Trowa, that you thought enough to allow us to help you. I don't want you trying anything on your own."

The man was looking straight at my eyes, his sincerity plain. I smiled for him and clapped him on the shoulder. "Quatre, I'm done being emo. I know I only hurt you guys with it, thinking about myself and not considering things carefully. I called Trowa because it was an intelligent decision. I don't want to give Tro or Wufei another chance to call me an idiot." I mock glared at the two offenders.

Wufei just shrugged and smirked.

"Yeah, watch it, pal. I see Sally on a regular basis now."

The man blushed fit to burst. I cackled.

After that, there were good-byes and promises to get in touch the second anything changed, and I in turn promised to tell all of them everything the next time Greaves contacted me. Us. I grinned at Heero, the warning glare still smoldering.

"Well," I said, when they were officially gone, "I think our dinner's cold."

"I'll nuke it," Heero muttered, and he wheeled himself over to the table. The food was probably like ice. I felt bad; Heero's hard work had been ruined.

Then it was a silent meal and an awkward clean-up, the both of us carefully moving around each other. It was ridiculous, really. I'd gotten Heero's forgiveness, and Greaves had solved the mess before it became another catastrophe. All of this was good. Any more apologies would be meaningless, and any more yelling would be moot. So why the hell were we acting so damn weird around each other?

I placed the last plate in the dishwasher and washed my hands, wondering. Heero had thrown away the last of the trash and was now tossing the spare food in the fridge. Dinner duties were over. I opened my mouth to speak, to break the damn annoying wall we'd built somehow, when Heero beat me to the punch.

"Duo, this is stupid."

I cocked my head to the side. "Us not talking?" I guessed, grinning. I turned off the tap and dried my hands off.

"That, too."

Too?

On a smooth motion, Heero gracefully stood from his wheelchair and came to stand in front of me. I opened my mouth to reprimand him and met with a cool finger on my lips. I blinked. Fire was an automatic ignition, burning through my veins before I could think to stop the reaction. My thoughts on Heero's injury puffed out.

And my mind just fucking melted when Heero wordlessly bent down and captured my lips with his.

His hands were already moving down my chest to my waist and then to my hips, his fingers curling around and pulling me forward, until our bodies were meshed together. My hands were more gentle more wary, concerned about his injury, but still I grabbed his shoulders, his hair, and it was I who leaned into his chest and ground our hips together. We both pulled back from the kiss, gasping and grinding all at once.

I leaned one hand back and grabbed the sink behind me, even as our hips pumped into each other. My head fell back, exposing my throat, and with a growl Heero devoured.

"This," I managed, "wasn't even on my mind. For once."

Heero chuckled. "It was on mine," he whispered huskily, and I shivered as his breath brushed my skin.

"Not fair," I muttered. "You're injured; we can't – not the first time."

Heero huffed. "Romantic? You?"

"Shut the fuck up."

He laughed then, the sound I reveled in. "Or not."

His teeth bit down on the artery in my throat, just enough to send sharp jolts through me. I hissed and backed up until the sink was digging into my back. "Heero, I mean it – dammit – I can't __think__ with you-"

"Good." And Heero trailed down to my collarbone, one hand moving up tug at my shirt.

"Heero-" Why in five flaming hells was I trying to stop this? It felt so damn good, the pleasure rocketing into me, over and over. "Heero." My resistance was fucking __gone__ , and Heero could hear it in my voice. He growled again, this time in victory.

"Ah. It appears I'm interrupting something."

Heero pulled away from me, his gun in hand before I could reach for my own. I stopped mid-grab and blinked hazily over toward the back door. "God _ _damn__ it, Greaves!"

"I thought you said you wanted to wait?" the man asked innocently. And smirked.

" _ _Fuck!__ How long have you been standing there?!" I shouted, quickly pushing away from the sink, my cheeks practically flaking my skin off my face from its heat. Heero looked about ready to shoot the man. He looked pissed – kind've like a man interrupted mis-sex.

 _ _Fuck__ , I was flushing like a girl.

Greaves, of course, just looked amused at the entire situation. "I was actually about to leave when you said you should wait. Your first time? You haven't already-"

Heero's finger pressed dangerously hard on the trigger.

Greaves lifted his hands in surrender, but that smirk only grew. "I understand – it's a sensitive subject. I only came to speak to Strike."

"And me," Heero hissed.

"Certainly. Should you be in your wheelchair?"

Heero bared his teeth. He didn't trust Greaves, it was plain. He was most likely remembering his first "encounter" with the man, when he'd left me almost dead and had destroyed a fair share of Heero's house. Or maybe Heero was just pissed about Greaves' teasing. Either way, his eyes were Perfect Soldier, and there was no way I was getting him to sit the fuck down while he was this battle-ready.

"It would be best," I said with a sigh, "if you just spit it out, Greaves."

"Of course. Do you want my report?"

"Do I need one?" I stood a little straighter.

"Not really. Just thought I'd ask."

"Why did you come?" Heero demanded, his voice ice-cold and dead monotone.

"Hm." Greaves' eyes assessed Heero then, sizing him up and testing the waters of his gaze. "I wanted to speak to Strike about the fourth and fifth, and about Caribol."

"What about Caribol?" I stepped forward, trying to get closer to Greaves, but Heero quickly blocked my path. I sent him a dirty look. "Really, Heero?"

He didn't respond.

"Though you've taken down the group, I believe their comrade, whom Zechs Merquise took down, may have been planning something."

This was not news I wanted. "Like what?"

"I cannot be certain, but I'm fairly sure your coworker may have an idea." Greaves cocked his head. "It most likely is nothing too dangerous, but Caribol was not the only group interested in making full use of the ex-Gundam pilots. I believe, though I may be incorrect, that at least one of the two of your predecessors may be found there."

"Merquise took down that enemy," Heero said.

"No. He fulfilled his obligation for Preventors and took down the major leaders. That's about it." Greaves shrugged. "The leaders are to be put on trial. Strike, I believe you, more than anyone, know how useful that is."

I clenched my teeth as Heero threw me a sharp look. It was true that I didn't trust the justice department to take care of problems, and it was just as true that I was usually right. These leaders most likely had money and connections and plenty of floozies to do as ordered. Though I hated to admit it, Greaves may very well have a point. "What is it that you think Zechs knows?" I demanded, asking the pertinent question.

"If I'm correct, Merquise knows their plans for you and your allies – your family." Heero's eyes flared at that, shock playing through that perfect facade of his. "I'll attempt to find more information."

"I can't go in tomorrow without raising suspicion, but I'll try to grab something from my end come Monday." I looked over to Heero and flashed him an annoyed look. "Could you move, please?"

Heero seemed to consider it for a minute before grudgingly stepping aside.

"Gee, thanks so much," I grumbled, but took the chance and stood before Greaves. "Thank you. For today, and for everything you're doing."

Greaves' face was dead serious. "I told you. I owe you."

There was something, I thought, that hinted at a bit more than just an obligation or duty, but I didn't push it. Instead I nodded and blocked Heero's aim with my body. I heard Heero snarl behind me, but I ignored it and waved Greaves off as he left, presumably the same way he came in. "Whatever ability he may have, I find it disturbing that he could just walk in here without us noticing, preoccupations or no."

"Duo."

"Hm?" I turned back to him and smiled. "Well, seems like we have more to worry about. So where should you be?"

Heero looked about ready to attack me. I took a careful step back, knowing exactly where a rough fight might lead – Heero injured, or us moving to the first available surface, followed immediately by Heero getting hurt.

"Come on." I pointed. "Wheelchair."

"We'll be talking about this more later," Heero warned, finally giving up and putting his gun away on his waistband before sitting in his seat.

"Talking, yes. Playing, no." Heero's deep gaze almost made me hesitate. "I mean it. Call me a romantic, I don't give a shit. We're both going to be healthy, without major, life-threatening troubles, when we make love."

My last words made something darken in those cobalt eyes, and a thrill raced straight to my groin.

" _ _No,"__ I said firmly, before I could give in, and marched decidedly from the room. After a moment, Heero followed from behind, not giving voice to complaints.

My lips thinned. The asshole was thinking about something, and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like it.

* * *

* * *

Sunday was spent cleaning and getting wash done. Our lunch consisted of leftovers, and our hours of cleaning were spent carefully avoiding one another. For me, it was totally self-defense. I knew damn well I didn't have the wherewithal to deny Heero and myself the release of sex if we started again, and I doubted I would have a fortuitous – yes, over time I could admit Greaves' interruption had been a good thing – encounter with someone. Therefore, I was on the run.

Heero, though... I could only guess that he was up to something. His eyes would seek me out, but he would stay to different rooms, and the noises I'd hear sometimes would be a bit weird. Loud, then soft, fast and slow. When Heero asked what music I wanted to listen to, my suspicions became full-blown alarm bells. But whenever I __randomly__ walked into the room Heero was in, he was simply straightening something or grabbing dirty clothes or putting the beds together.

He was up to something.

Dinnertime came before either of us knew it, and I decided to cook. Heero didn't argue, which was expected, but only because I knew he was doing something behind my back. Since he'd been injured, Heero had tried to do whatever he could, same as I had. It was a reflex, trying to take care of oneself, trying to show one wasn't vulnerable or useless. I understood it, so usually I gracefully bowed out if Heero wanted to take care of something. This time he didn't even come in to help when the smell of ham and pasta started wafting through the house.

Okay. I'd gone behind his back just the day before, so I didn't really have the right to freak out. Besides, I understood the whole idea of two people living different lives. I was cool with that.

But Heero was __up to something__. And it was driving me nuts.

When I called him for dinner, he wheeled himself in as if he'd been doing nothing of interest all day, but I could see a glimpse of the Perfect Soldier in Heero's eyes and knew he was using his mask to hide something from me.

But __what?__

We ate fairly quickly, Heero setting the fast pace. I made petty conversation, not really saying anything at all, but Heero was reticent and quiet and I was disturbed. I knew he'd forgiven me, or else he wouldn't have freakin' jumped me yesterday. But I also knew that whatever he was hiding, he was taking care to keep it from me. I thought about it. Was he planning something? My mind kept spinning to Caribol, stuttering and grinding to a painful halt. A part of me denied that Heero would do anything like he had before, but I couldn't be sure. He'd learned, hadn't he? He'd seen the mistake in doing what he'd done before – gods, my mind wouldn't even __name__ it – and he wouldn't do it again... would he?

I had to put my fork down when my hand started shaking so bad the food fell off.

Heero was practically done, but his blind shoveling in of food paused, and his eyes sought me out, confused and considering.

Okay, this was ridiculous. I was falling back on old fears, and I'd told myself I wouldn't do that anymore. It was probably something innocent – he was irritated with his helplessness, his collarbone still not completely healed. Maybe he just wanted some time to himself. Maybe he was trying to remember something. Maybe...

Maybe he was planning something I wouldn't like. Something like joining this ally of Caribol's.

"Duo?"

It was the first time Heero had spoken to me that day that didn't pertain to cleaning. I looked over to him and swallowed back my fears. They were stupid and inconsiderate. Heero wouldn't repeat his mistakes. The man hated making them the first time, after all. He wouldn't do it again.

Besides, I told myself, we didn't even have verification that anything was wrong. We had Greaves, who wasn't sure, and we had Merquise, whom I could easily admit I had a bias against. I expected him to be doing something devious, but that was because the man was always going to be firmly in the Evil Bad Guy List when it came to me.

"Sorry, Heero." I tried on a smile for him. "Just thinking."

I'd hardly picked up my fork when Heero asked, his voice soft, "what?"

Well, shit. That wasn't fair at all. How come I had to say what I was thinking, but Heero was going to bottle all of his thoughts away? But still I opened my mouth to answer, wondering how much to tell. "Just what Greaves said. I thought the whole Caribol thing was __over__."

"Technically, it is. This is a different group."

Heero's quick answer made my heart pound. He __couldn't__ be thinking about it. My next words were very precisely planned out. "Different group, but are there motives any different?"

"Maybe, maybe not. We'll have to find out."

And my heart jerked. Those words could be innocent. From anyone else, I would have believed they were completely innocent. But Heero didn't say anything randomly. His vocabulary was oftentimes much better than mine. I was scared. Heero was thinking about something, something to do with this problem Greaves had warned us about, and we had to do something about it.

Then I dropped my head into my hands. "I forgot to call the guys."

"It's fine. I did it today while we cleaned."

I smiled at him gratefully, even as my mind whirled. Had he really? Was that what had kept him out of my sight, why he'd let me cook? Or had he discussed something with them, just as I'd done with Trowa, and he was hiding a plan or a piece of information from me?

Okay, I had to knock this the fuck __off__. I had to trust Heero.

The image entered my thoughts again as I blinked, and I clenched my eyes shut. The image passed in slow motion, the smooth punch of the recoil, the warm gush of blood, those dead eyes staring at me in surprise.

I shoved myself away from the table and heard my chair clatter to the floor. I stared very, very hard at the plate in front of me, at the bits of ham still waiting for me. I didn't think I could eat it. I didn't think I could stand the smell for another minute.

"Duo?"

I shook my head violently. Heero wouldn't __do__ that, dammit! Whether he was planning something or not, he wouldn't do something that would cause the two of us so much pain ever again. He wouldn't be that stupid, that foolish, that cruel. All that fell into __my__ forte. Not his. My mind was playing with me, trying to confuse and scare me. It wasn't going to happen.

...Was it?

Heero was standing again, and I backed away from him, too, as he moved to grab my shoulders. "Sit down," I rasped. I had to get a hold of myself. This whole Caribol crap was spewing up the worst of the memories, the biggest fears. I had to go somewhere, get a better perspective.

Trowa.

I almost cried as the thought of the man entered my mind. That was it. I could talk to Trowa, and the man would beat the stupidity out of me until the stupid fucking memories were black and blue. "I – I'll..." I was going to clean up the mess, but I __couldn't__. I had to talk to Trowa, and I had to do it immediately. I didn't want to see it again. I couldn't stand to see it again.

I grabbed my chair and clumsily replaced it before stalking hurriedly from the room.

I didn't even bother to check and listen to what Heero was doing; I just snatched up the phone and speed-dialed Trowa's number.

Thankfully it was Trowa himself that answered; I didn't want to deal with the added guilt-trip of having to explain to Qat that, though he was a very dear friend whom I trusted with my life, I didn't want to fucking talk to him. Instead I got Trowa's easy, lounging voice, and I gasped out his name.

"Duo? What's wrong?"

His voice sounded concerned, and the surprise I felt at that was enough to give me the air I needed to speak.

"I need you to yell at me again."

Trowa didn't say anything, and I began to fear that I was asking too much from someone who wasn't technically back to being my friend. But then Trowa said simply, "okay. Shoot." And I realized he was simply making sure he was alone.

"Trowa, Heero said he'd called you."

"Yes, he did. He told us that Merquise's job may not be over?"

"Yeah, sure, that, too," I said breathlessly. "But the name Caribol came up, and now I can't get my fears to shut the fuck up."

"What do you mean?" Trowa asked, his voice blessedly calm.

I began pacing back and forth in the living room, then looked nervously toward the kitchen. I'd chosen to keep the vid-phone off subconsciously, and now I moved toward the bedroom, leaving the vid behind completely. "I – I know, logically, that it's stupid." Talking about it made me feel like an even bigger idiot. "I know Heero probably won't do it again, but he's been acting weird since last night, and I don't know what to do."

Trowa's silence was a bit more full this time. "You mean you're afraid he's going to go undercover again."

It wasn't a question, and there was something weird in the back of Trowa's voice, but I couldn't be bothered to give a fuck. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm scared of that. I'm terrified of that, and I know it's absolutely fucking __stupid__ but I can't-"

"Duo, end your damn sentence."

"Help it," I muttered. I closed the bedroom door and sat down on the bed. Trowa was considering something on his end, and I didn't know that it was something I wanted to hear. But it would probably be something I __needed__ to hear."

"Duo, did you know that you aren't the only one to ask me for advice today?" Trowa asked.

"I'm not asking for advice, per se, just maybe some verbal abuse." Then I thought about what it was he was saying and gasped. "Are you fucking kidding me? Heero's talked to you?"

"Yes. And I can assure you that you're both fucking stupid."

I blinked. "Um – okay?"

"Duo, the best advice I can give you is to go and talk to Heero about this."

"About me remembering Caribol and thinking that he might do something he and I both know he would never fucking do?" Sounded like suicide to me.

"Yes. Talk to him, Duo." And Trowa's voice softened. "You might just be surprised about what's said, and what you discover."

Well, he wasn't being as much of a help as I'd hoped he would be, but at least his confidence was starting to rub off. "Thanks, Trowa. I'll do that." Even though I thought it would lead to my death.

"Good. And don't worry – Heero's far too worried himself to bite your head off. For now."

Well, thanks so much for the assurance, Barton. But I just sighed and thanked him again. "Sorry to bother you again."

"Any time you need someone to get your head out of your ass for you, you can count on me."

I thought of Wufei's smarmy comment yesterday in the car and grimaced. "You guys all have warm fuzzies for me, don't you?"

"A million of them. Good evening, Duo."

"Evening."

* * *

Heero was still in the kitchen when I came out, hanging up the phone guiltily. He was struggling with the dishes and his wheels, looking absolutely furious and about ready to hang the damn contraption again.

"Hey, Heero."

I was standing stupidly in the doorway, my hands reaching for the end of my braid instinctively. Heero swerved in his chair, his eyes not even flickering in pain as he stretched his healing collarbone. I quickly stepped out, saving his body the stress. "Duo." I could see worry and concern in his gaze, but my breath hissed in at the fear.

That was right. Heero had spoken to Trowa, too. That meant he was afraid of something, just like me.

I took a deep breath. "So, I think I have something I need to talk to you about."

The fear flashed to outright panic, but Heero simply nodded and looked irritably at the plates in his lap.

Wordlessly I took them and threw them in the sink, not caring about the clanging. Then I wheeled Heero back to the table and sat him down. "First, I'm sorry. I was being ridiculous earlier. And I should have spoken to you about this immediately instead of freaking out on my own."

The words seemed to cut through that look in Heero's eyes, and he cocked his head, considering. "'This'?" he asked.

"Yeah." I dropped down into the chair opposite him, the one I'd banged to the floor earlier. The table wasn't clean yet, but Heero had gotten the leftovers put away, and most of the dishes had been sent to the dishwasher. I should have been doing clean-up, not Heero, but panic attacks never chose convenient times to occur. "It's about yesterday, about Greaves."

Heero tensed when I said it was about yesterday, but he seemed confused when I brought up Greaves. I couldn't quite guess what the fuck he was worried about, but I would pull that one out later. For now, I had to ask him about this. Trowa may have sounded confident, but he wasn't here now. I was on my own for courage. So I pulled out my stubborn streak and cracked it like a whip onto my face.

"I want to hear you tell me you won't do anything stupid, like with Caribol."

Heero seemed shocked speechless by this exclamation.

"Look, I know it's not going to happen," I confessed, though a thrill of worry shimmered up my spine, wondering if I was wrong in that, that Heero really __was__ planning to do something... the picture flashed before my eyes, and I closed them, trying to garner some control. Something stupid. I took a deep breath. "I trust you, I really do. It's just... I can't make the damn memories go away. I just need a quick reminder that you aren't retarded, and then I'll be okay."

I looked him dead-on, knowing that I was being pulled all over the damn place, my emotions going absolutely haywire. Fear that I was right, anger and myself for not having more faith. Worry, concern, annoyance – I added a quick, "sorry to make you say it again."

Something in Heero's eyes cleared at that, and he sagged in his wheelchair, almost as if I'd physically cut his tension with scissors. "It's fine," he sighed, and he looked so damn relieved that I didn't think there was room in him for annoyance. "I promise to answer truthfully as long as you answer __my__ questions truthfully."

I blinked. Well, that didn't sound necessarily promising. "Yeah, okay."

Heero could hear the trepidation in my voice, since it was apparent as all hell. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down at the table, his face contorting slightly as he tried to figure out how to start.

"First," he said, and his eyes raised up to my face again, "I will never do anything like what I did with Caribol ever again, so long as I live. The guilt you and I have suffered through has been far too great. And the images won't leave __me__ , either – the panic I'd felt, trapped in that damn bed while you were off... doing something stupid, yourself."

I nodded, feeling like an ass.

"Duo, I'll never do anything to deliberately hurt you, and I know that would. You don't need to worry about that. We'll fight together this time. I swear it."

The words were exactly what I needed to hear, and I smiled as those stupid, illogical fears were finally doused. "Thank you."

But here Heero hesitated, and before I could stop him, he stood. I was getting damn tired of that penchant of his. But when I stood to drag his ass, back down, he held up a hand and looked at me with a wary glance. It made me freeze part-way up, back still bent, lips caught on a breath.

"I am not a cyborg," he said quietly, "but I cannot escape the fact that J had given me enough drugs to... enhance me a bit."

I sort of understood, though I had no idea where Heero was going with this. I felt the need to stand, as well, if only to be on equal footing. I carefully scanned Heero's face for any signs of pain, but there were none. "Same," I told him, my voice questing, trying to find just what it is Heero was trying to communicate. "Immunities to poisons and other drugs, things such as that. Unless given a lethal dose of truth serum, I would still be in enough faculty of my senses to-"

"That's not what I meant."

Heero's voice was getting firmer and firmer, angrier and angrier. "Do you remember when I self-destructed my Gundam, that time when the colonies were targeted?"

How could I possibly forget? "Yeah."

"I should have died." I flinched, but Heero was too busy raking that hand through his hair again and turning away to pace. I watched the sudden, jerky movements with apprehension. If I tried to stop him from moving, Heero was frustrated enough to act on instinct. And the only instinct he and I had was a soldier's instinct. "But I didn't. I woke up from a self-induced sleep with relatively minor injuries. How?"

I didn't know, had wondered about it myself. But Heero seemed to know, and he appeared furious about the information.

"It's because of the drugs J had given me. They aren't anything __bad__. Apparently," Heero scoffed, "he'd practiced them on others to ensure their safety. But then he'd given them to __me__. Have you ever watched an old show called X-Men?"

Mutely I nodded, my eyes growing wider as I tried to understand what Heero was telling me.

"I feel like the Wolverine, though that's not quite it. He had the ability to heal at a radical pace. Mine isn't as ridiculous as his – of course not, that would be absolutely absurd – but it's good enough." He stopped his pacing suddenly and glared at me, almost seeming to get angrier as he saw the confused, shocked look I wore. "I can only presume he'd given the drugs to my predecessor, whoever that would be, and then gave them to me. I was with J from a fairly early age, perhaps around nine or ten. He had plenty of time to realize my predecessor's use as a guinea pig."

My brain struggled to catch what Heero was telling me. "So you're saying you're... meta-human?"

Heero snorted. "Nothing so insane as that. I'm merely telling you that my body is equipped with greater defenses and offenses – slightly greater strength, slightly greater speed. Slightly greater recovery rates."

My eyes fastened to his collarbone. "You aren't healed yet," I said, my voice both questioning and accusatory.

"No. But I'm close enough. The bone, I believe, has sealed."

"But you were feeling pain," I argued, my mind rushing to try to come to terms with the fact that Heero might be in much better shape than I'd given him credit for. "And you've stayed in the wheelchair – sporadically, but-"

"And now danger's here, and I have a decision to make." Heero took a deep breath, same as I had, and the glare he shot me was purely defensive. "Help you with the potential threats to your life, or risk everything by telling you the truth."

I thought back, remembering how Heero had flown from the height of his wrecked Gundam, coming out unscathed in just a couple of months. I remembered being told that there were metal bars vlocking off Heero's attempt to override the self-destruct sequence of the missiles on the military compound we'd been lured to, and remembered how Heero had managed to turn off the damn thing, anyway. My mind skipped to Zero, which Heero had somehow managed to master, and found myself almost believing what Heero was telling me. "How?" I asked finally. "How did you survive?"

"I don't know. The days during which I was injected with drug after drug... they're a bit hazy now."

Heero looked like he was getting ready to be sent to the gallows, and his almost-defeated look made me take stock. "You're healing faster than the doctor said, then. How far along?"

"Usually I perform at one hundred thirty percent more efficiency."

That sounded like a fucking quote. My eyes narrowed. "So instead of the couple of months of rest you were ordered for, you would need a bit less than a month and a half. But it's only been about a third of that, so you still shouldn't-"

"The doctor was going off the belief that I'd been healing at ninety to one hundred percent efficiency. Duo, this isn't what I wanted to ask you."

"You mean do I give a rat's ass about what that fucking bastard did to you?" I didn't let him answer, knowing instinctively that he was waiting to be labeled a freak, waiting for me to turn away. "It's true that I thought it weird that you could do all that shit. I freaked out when you blew your ass up, because I knew that no normal person could survive that."

Heero winced at the word 'normal.'

"But none of us are normal," I persisted, "and if I said I hated who you were, then I'd have to say I hate that you're alive. And that's something I could __never__ say." I snatched at him and pulled his face down until his eyes were so damn close I had a hard time focusing on them. "I love you. I think the fact that my stupid fucking head can't get through to my stupid fucking heart would prove that. And it's embarrassing as __hell__ to say that." I was flushed a bright, interesting red, I was sure. Hopefully Heero couldn't focus well, either. "The only reason I even considered harming you when you were with Caribol was because I thought – I thought you were gone."

Heero hitched in a quick breath, and I realized that Heero hadn't known that, that he'd wondered what I would have done if he truly __were__ a cyborg. The fingers on Heero's cheeks trembled a bit as I considered that. No wonder Heero had wondered if we could continue together. "As long as you're in there, Heero," I told him, "I wouldn't care if you were a human computer, or a ghost. __I love you__."

And I dragged Heero's lips to mine and crushed them beneath my conviction.

Heero's hands wrapped around my waist, forcing me closer, until our bodies clung to one another. It started the fire, wrapped it tightly in a coil around my groin, and on a gasp I pushed away.

"You bastard," I hissed, "you're healed enough!"

Heero nodded slowly, wondering where I was going with this.

I thought of what I'd said last night and the agony I'd gone through, my body pulsing so damn hard it had been hard to fucking __breathe__. "You're all right," I managed again, then cursed resoundly. Heero flinched. " _ _Fuck!"__ I said again. "Why the fuck did I say we should stop?!"

It didn't seem to be quite what Heero had expected to hear, and after a few short moments of confusion, his face contorted into a dark smirk. "Want to finish where we left off?"

"Now that we're both done being fucking special?" I growled. "Fuck, yes."

I reached for him, had just touched his skin, when a voice interrupted.

Sorry," Greaves said, popping through the back door, his face dead serious. "This time it truly is an accident."

* * *

* * *

I brushed it off, but really, as I stood there wishing Greaves would drop dead, my mind flickered wildly between worry and fury and a deep, almost bitter confusion.

Drugs to enhance the human body. Perfected? Could such a thing ever be perfected? Certainly they didn't seem to have harmed Heero in any way, but were they doing something we couldn't see yet? Would we learn in another year, or five, that Heero's days were numbered? Would his mind slip, either into deficiency or into insanity? How much longer did I have with him?

And J. Damn that man. Damn him into the deepest pits of hell, he'd used Heero even more than I'd guessed. Heero wasn't a guinea pig! He wasn't a toy or a puppet or a robot, and sometimes the end didn't justify the means. Wanting to win the war wasn't enough to put Heero's life in jeopardy.

But other than these two dominant feelings, the rest of me seemed to still need a few hours to process the information. Heero seemed to normal, so human, and his touched were so gentle. Still, I could recall the flat punch of Heero's fist in my gut when he'd tricked me into punching him. I could recall the steady hands, the quick reactions, the impossible aim.

And a tiny, vindictive part of me was screaming, __I knew it! I knew it!__ And was pleased that I wasn't as comparatively weak as I'd thought. Heero's had an extra card in his hand the entire time.

But Greaves' appearance, so soon after his last, was most definitely bad. While Heero and I had been cleaning the house and agonizing over our individual fears, Greaves had learned something. And it would be something we wouldn't want to hear.

"What is it?" Heero snapped, looking for all the world like he was about to start a fight with the man. I glared at him in warning. Mostly healed he may be – somehow – but I wasn't taking any chances. I very firmly remembered Heero hissing and shouting in pain, and I needed to know if those had been real or not first.

If he'd been pretending, then __I__ would beat the shit out of him.

"I'm afraid I've just confirmed what I'd spoken of earlier. And it's apparent that Merquise has at least become aware of the knowledge. I don't know how he's involved, but if nothing else, he's learned of the situation."

"What's their goal?" Heero demanded.

"Their goal is top secret," Greaves said quietly, his gold-brown eyes hard. I looked him over. He didn't seem to have any new wounds; all the scars I saw, I recognized from our fight. "They were caught by Preventors for the creation of weapons, but they were only helping Caribol with their plans. An exchange of sorts, I suppose, since Caribol was helping support Femorel financially. Technically, the group is in ruins."

"Technically. But what's their __goal__ , Greaves? You said they wanted us Gundam pilots?" I pressed.

Greaves sat down in one of the chairs, and the move put me on red-alert. The man had quite a bit to tell us, and it would be something we wouldn't be thrilled to hear. I watched Heero as he assessed the man as well, and he seemed to come up with the same impression. His lips pulled back in a snarl.

"Heero Yuy, I found your predecessor."

Heero jerked back a bit. "How do you know he's mine?" he demanded. His eyes were glazing again, turning soldier even as I watched. Verifying facts, was he?"

"I didn't, not before I listened in to our conversation."

"Greaves!" I yelped, throwing a wide glance at him.

Heero's eyes narrowed. Was he going to strangle Greaves? I kind've wanted to, and he was __my__ friend. Friend? Yeah, sure. Friend.

"That was a private conversation, dammit," I snapped, glaring at the man and hoping my quick reaction would stop Heero from doing anything. " _ _Extremely__ private. You had no business listening in."

"Be that as it may, I've learned whose predecessor Femorel has through your conversation, and that, at least, is fairly good."

"Look, whether we're healed or not," I said, "I don't want __another__ battle. I've had more than enough. The past year and a half, I've been thrown into more dangerous situations than when I was a merc, and I can't afford to continue having these damn things interrupt my life."

Both Greaves and Heero seemed to want to assess me rather astutely then, but I just lifted my head and stared defiantly at both of them.

"I understand. You have your family to think about now. Femorel is the last remnant of Caribol that holds even the least threat of danger. It also has one more of your predecessors – Yuy's, as I said. I'm still searching for the last, but for now, Femorel is a vital target."

My fists clenched. I didn't want this to happen again. I was tired of fighting. Heero might be far more healed than I'd known, but he was still a good deal from being okay. And who wanted to go straight back into battle? We'd just gotten through the last one, dammit, and here we were being thrust into another immediately after. Harlow, Caribol, Troit. Now Femorel. How much more would we be forced to face?

"Where is Femorel? Tell me everything." Heero took over the conversation then. I'd forgotten how he'd been falling into Perfect Soldier mode. He wouldn't slug the person who had pertinent information. At least not until the information was given.

So Greaves told us about Femorel, about how the group had been charged by Merquise with the production and distribution of weapons. The information of Caribol must have been made available during that time, but the company attempted to keep its relationship with Caribol as seemingly minor as possible.

Apparently the company had joined with Caribol near the end of the war, breaking off from the military to do so. That could be where their interest in the Gundam pilots originated. They'd found Heero's predecessor, a man calling himself Luther, a few months after that, about a month and a half since the war ended. Greaves knew Femorel's plans included Luther and most likely Heero, if not all of us pilots. He just didn't know exactly how yet.

"I don't want to know," I muttered, but I know I had to find out and somehow stop our enemies before anything happened.

Gods, I was tired.

"Thank you," Heero said, and I looked over, both of us still standing by the sink, and I saw the soldier leaving. "Now I ask that you leave before I throw you out bodily."

Greaves grinned and simply readjusted himself in the chair. With Heero back to normal – funny how I thought of Perfect Soldier as abnormal now – I could see the barely restrained anger. I wondered if he'd felt it while he was hiding behind his mask, whether this was something that had simmered the entire time or whether the emotion had only seemed to hit him now, now that his mask had been once again tucked away.

"Didn't Strike say he didn't want any serious dangers looming in your future before you had sex?"

I blushed furiously and ducked my head down on instinct to try to hide it. Heero acted a bit more vocally, cursing the man. "I told you to leave. Do it. Now."

"I'll leave you to your arguing, then. Don't forget to check around tomorrow at work." Greaves idled up, graceful and negligent, and silently opened our back door, slipping out once more into the night.

I checked the clock on the wall and scowled. It had been a few hours; eight o'clock had come and gone, and now nine was inching its way closer. I glared at the back door. "We need to get older hinges."

Heero huffed out a laugh, but he still seemed a little pissed. He glared out, searching, before letting the tension in his shoulders fade. "Seems like he's truly left this time."

I managed to open my mouth before he started speaking, cutting me off without looking away from the window. "He's said it twice now, calling us other Gundam pilots your family. What did he mean?"

I blushed again and hoped it didn't show in the reflection. "It goes back to our fight, I think. I told him I had reasons why I had to win."

Heero's lips pursed and his eyes narrowed. I went and locked the door to escape the reflected stare. "Us."

"You, mostly."

"Because I'm your angel."

I froze. Heero had never brought up those poems I'd written after the Caribol mess, but I could still remember them, one at the beginning and one at the end. I left the room.

"Duo!"

"Sofa," I called back, and heard Heero immediately following my steps. A small, tiny little headache was starting to thrum under my skull, and I knew it could easily become a full-blown migraine. Definitely a stress migraine. I grimaced at the thought and willed the damn thing away. I was a fucking Gundam pilot, for God's sake. I was probably around twenty years old. What was I doing with tension headaches already?

Heero grabbed my wrist as we made it into the living room. I turned to him, confused, and saw a steely, determined look in his eyes. We sat down on the sofa together, so close our hips touched. Only then did Heero let me go, as if he'd been assuring himself that he could have physical contact with me during the conversation if he so wished.

"I read all of the poems," Heero admitted to me then, officially starting off a talk I'd rather hoped to never have. "Including the dedication at the end, over and over again."

I looked through the window, to the street outside. There weren't many cars at this time of night, but house lights had been turned on, making a sort of runway down the asphalt.

"You wrote those with the intent of being dead after I read them, didn't you?"

It was a dumb question, since I'd written them in the hotel room shortly before drinking the strychnine, but I didn't say that. Instead I simply answered with a steady, "yeah."

"Which means you had no intention of discussing this with me."

"Nope."

Heero didn't seem too pleased with that. "Duo – look at me?"

I did, but very reluctantly.

"In that first poem, you wrote that you'd torn my wings. Do you remember that?"

I nodded mutely, knowing Heero wouldn't have been pleased to read that, especially knowing that I'd tried to kill myself afterwards.

"Do you still believe I'm some sort of angel?"

I hadn't quite expected __that__ to be his main focus, but it kind've made sense. "Sorta," I answered, shrugging. I saw Heero flinch at that and hurried to explain a bit more. "Not that you're some sort of peaceful, always-kind sort of thing, but that..." I struggled to explain. "Not in a girly way, but you're beautiful, and you're strong, and you're able to rise back up from anything. I always envied you during the war, your drive, your surety that you were doing the right thing, walking the right path." I shrugged. "Angels are really abstract. Everyone has different opinions on what they are, what they look like, what they do. But everyone agrees that they're beautiful, and that they're good. That's how I see you."

Heero seemed rather surprised by that. "So much thought for one word," he muttered.

"Hey! It's an important word! Sister Helen constantly spoke about angels – said I was hers." I snorted at that one, at how ridiculous it was. I remembered, back then, telling her I was definitely no angel – not beautiful, and certainly not good. I remembered how sadly she'd smiled then.

"The last poem – you called me an angel again."

I shuffled uncomfortably. "Yeah. Hey, I was really upset then, Heero, and-"

"Shut up. It's what you were thinking right before – before you..." His teeth clenched. "Before you tried to kill yourself."

It was the first time Heero'd been able to address it so baldly, and I jumped to hear it, but Heero bulldozed along.

"You said – said I was angel, said I didn't know how __pure__ I was."

I remembered that line, too; __The purest angel / In all the world / Trapped within his mind__. Yeah, I knew. "Pure can mean sinless, but it derives from the Latin word __purus__ , which means clean, clear, unmixed, or chaste. And __that__ word comes from the base __peu__ or __pu__ , which means to purify or cleanse."

Heero blinked again, rather stunned.

I blushed. "So I know you aren't guiltless, duh, but you're exactly who you are, and I love every part of you, including the man from the war. And you certainly purified and cleansed the world, considering your efforts to destroy Libra saved the world and made it possible for peace to exist. I don't know that you're chaste – well, you had sex with Wufei, so that's out – but your emotions are clear and bright-"

"Okay, I got it." Heero sighed. "You didn't take the word lightly."

"It was about you," I pointed out, as if that should explain it all. To me, I guess it did.

"He sparkles white?" he asked, referring to the last line of the poem.

"Don't you?" I asked, and finally I couldn't take looking him in the eye anymore and glared down at the sofa seat.

"Do I?" Heero seemed confused by the very idea of it, and he sat back, thinking about it.

"Only someone who's suffered," I said, "can shine."

Heero was silent for a time, considering that one. "Then you're brighter than a diamond."

I snorted. "That sounds girly."

"And wanting to wait to have sex? That isn't girly?"

I felt my face flame. "Shut up."

Heero laughed, apparently appeased by my answers. "Do you want me to change your mind?" he asked then, and his voice lowered interestingly.

My body told me its answer much faster than my brain. "Um, we probably shouldn't. Greaves could be here-"

"He isn't. And if he is, he can damn well leave. Now."

He said that as if he were stating the warning to the man himself. Just in case? There was no way I was having sex with a potential audience. "And you aren't fully healed, because you'd been gasping just a couple of days ago, and-"

"Duo, my collarbone is healed. And I wasn't hurting, I was just tired. Why the hell do you think I slept for a month after destroying Wing?"

"Because you'd taken a ridiculous amount of damage?" I asked, but I had a feeling Heero was winning. "And don't we have enemies? Shouldn't we call the guys? And I have to go to work tomorrow-"

"Duo, if you don't want to do it, you only have to say so."

Heero sounded a bit hurt, and I hurriedly spoke to erase his fears. "It's not about you being enhanced, Heero. It's..." I couldn't explain, though, because I had no idea just what the hell was stopping me. I slumped a bit and grabbed Heero's hands, trying to show in action how unafraid of him I was. "I don't even know. I'm..." Dammit, but I hated this word, "afraid."

Heero frowned. "Of making love?" His hands tightened on mine. "You said you were an orphan on the streets. Did..."

I shook my head violently and clenched his hands in return. "Nothing so heinous." At least, never all the way. But I didn't want to tell him that. "It's nothing as easily explained as that."

"Then what?"

My lips thinned as I realized just what the hell was wrong with me. "Son of a bitch," I murmured, twisting it in my head until I could see every facet of the fear. I cocked my head. "It's nothing." And I smiled. Because it really was nothing.

"Duo," Heero warned.

"No, really, Heero. It really is nothing. It's a stupid fear." And I stood, invigorated by that knowledge. "What time is it?"

I stretched as Heero stood beside me and answered. "It's slipped past nine."

"Then there's enough time." I stepped into Heero's surprised arms and traced my fingers up his chest. I looked up through my eyelids and grinned. "I don't have to worry about sleep for a while yet."

Heero swallowed rather deeply. "Duo, tell me."

I sighed. Of course this wouldn't be so damn easy. I'd asked for it, after all. "I'm afraid something's going to change. Well, obviously something is, but..."

"You mean our relationship."

It wasn't a question, but nonetheless I felt obligated to answer. "Yeah." I traced a little circular pattern on Heero's shirt. "Pretty much."

This time Heero was the one to sigh, but his arms encircled me as he did. "Duo, you idiot. You always overanalyze everything."

I snorted. "Bullshit, Yuy. That's __your__ job."

"Fine. Both of us are guilty." Heero wasn't all that much taller than me, only about an inch or two, but it gave him the leverage needed to nuzzle my forehead. "Duo, do you truly want to do this? Right now?"

I hummed, but even I didn't know if I was saying yes or no. "The fear's pretty dumb, so I can ignore it without a problem. But..."

"You're worried about me, and about Femorel."

"Stop ESP-ing my words, Yuy," I grumbled. He chuckled for me.

It was apparent that both of us were uncomfortable, though I was much less than Heero. I dipped my hands lower, across his abdomen, and felt his muscles jump. Even if I was afraid to go that full way, into the deepest parts of that realm of sex, even though I was afraid of walking the path that couldn't be unwalked, I could at least bring Heero some release.

Finally my hands lowered, playing over Heero's jeans, and the man gasped, jolting back. His hips bucked toward me instinctively. I grinned and leaned down.

"Duo – Duo, stop." Heero grabbed my hair and tugged it back before I could really get started. "Together or not at all," he managed to hiss.

"Sure," I said, grinning. "But you first."

His fingers shivered, and with a groan he gave up and let me go. "Promise," he hissed, even as I gripped his hips and led him to the nearest wall.

My fingers tucked under his pants and tugged, forcing the button free. "Promise," I whispered, my breath hushing over his skin. He shivered. I chuckled as I unzipped his jeans. "You know, this is the first time I've gotten the chance to answer this question."

"Question?"

Heero sounded like he couldn't possibly care less about questions or conversation whatsoever. My grin turned a little more feral. "Boxers or briefs?"

Heero choked out a laugh. "Shut the fuck up."

"Sure thing."

* * *

I woke up Monday completely content.

Beyond content.

We hadn't gone what some might call __all the way__ , but we'd gone far enough to spike into bliss enough times. Once I'd touched Heero's skin, I'd wanted to keep touching until the end of time. Until eternity bled out of existence.

But our relationship will definitely have changed.

I closed my eyes, afraid to look over toward Heero, afraid to know __how__ the relationship had changed. I had a feeling that the only thing that had really changed on __my__ part was a serious increase in the burning desire I had for him, and maybe the added respect of his body, one I hadn't been able to appreciate as much as I could now.

But I didn't want to think about how his opinion of me might have changed. I wasn't girly enough to freak out about my looks; I was confident, at least, that I was well built, that other than the scars littering my body, I was fine physically.

But I was still nervous, and I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

I slid out of the bed, and at once Heero was awake. I turned to watch, but he was still as he'd been during the war, instantly awake. "Duo? Is it time to go to work?"

I blinked. "It is for me, but I think you should stay here."

Heero wasn't pleased with this, but it was an intelligent tactical choice, and was most likely one of the many reasons he'd been hiding his secret from me. I couldn't be angry about it, since I'd have done the same to him if our situations had been reversed. Besides. It was karma for Trowa and my secret.

I leaned down and kissed him lightly on the mouth. "I'll find out what's going on with Zechs so we can get this damn thing over with."

Heero nodded, but his eyes were showing all kinds of worried. "Be careful."

"Of course."

Heero gave me a disbelieving look, but I just grinned and left him for the bathroom. In all honesty, I __would__ be careful, but I wanted this over with so I could enjoy my damn future with Heero. I was tired of all this crap. I just wanted our lives to be normal.

And after this, dammit all to hell, they would be.

* * *

* * *

Zechs, when I finally got some time off to go catch a moment with him, was leaning rather sardonically on the counter in the waiting room, holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee and looking for all the world like he'd been waiting for my arrival.

I, note please, am not a huge coffee fan. I never wanted to have a crutch, something I would need in order to wake up in the morning. Because of that, I never really got into the whole coffee gig, and I think Heero stays away from it for the same reason.

So I skipped past the coffee and went for the tea, not because I was thirsty but because I wanted an excuse to be in the room, even though subtlety in conversation wasn't precisely my strong point. I guess, taking that into account, it wasn't surprising that Zechs the Magnificent caught on to what I was doing.

"Might as well say it."

I didn't really freak out in any way, just poured the hot water into my own cup and grabbed a tea bag. "I probably shouldn't call a coworker an asstard."

"Probably not."

"So I suppose a question would be better."

"Perhaps." Zechs took a sip of his coffee.

"Did you know you're an asstard?"

He snorted into his cup. "I was unaware."

I finished dipping my tea bag and tossed it in the trash. "Well, at least now you're informed."

"I see. And this is what you came to bother me about?"

I shifted until I was leaning against the counter, too, and then shrugged. "No, actually. I came because you're hiding info from the psycho lady, and I don't wanna get caught in the explosion when it's found out."

"'Psycho lady'?"

"Damn straight. Crazy bitch." I took a deep, gulping rush of tea, then placed it beside me and gripped the counter. Hard. If I didn't, I would punch the slimy bastard's face in. That probably wouldn't go well with the psycho lady. "So maybe you should stop hiding shit. Just what is it that you want to tell me about Femorel?"

But the man just took another sip of his coffee and negligently sat it down, as well, before leaning off the counter and heading for the door. "Nothing."

"Fine, then." I moved quickly, dodging around him and blocking his exit. The room, I had noted my first day here, only had one door in and out. It was another reason why I didn't come in here all that much. "How about you tell me everything you __don't__ want to say?"

Zechs stopped in front of me, and his eyes seemed to be gaging something – my worth, maybe, or perhaps just my physical abilities. A part of me was begging for a fight, but the rest of me knew that I needed information more than anything else.

"Meet me again after hours," he said finally, his lips curving upwards. "I have a few questions for you, as well."

"I'm not the one holding back information from intel," I snapped. "I don't owe you an answer for anything."

"You might think twice about that."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

But Zechs just moved right on past me, pushing me with his shoulder. It was either move or fight, and though my fists clenched hard enough to leave marks in my flesh, I let him go.

Meet him after hours? Well, at least then there would be no chance for interference – just in case I __did__ choose to beat the holy hell out of him.

* * *

"Maxwell."

I turned; Wufei was coming into the room, his eyes searching out my office. "What the hell have you done to this room?"

"Fixed it," I told him, grinning. I'd read the rules on office space, and so long as my space is clean and my wires straight, I could do what I wanted. So I kind've reorganized the bare walls into poster boards. I'd only put up five so far – apparently, Wufei already thought that was too many. "What's up?"

"Is that a picture of Hannibal Lecter?"

"Smart guy, right?" I scooted my chair back and stood. "Wufei, what's up?"

"You spoke with Merquise, correct?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Greaves warned me he knows more than he's saying. He said to meet up with him after hours. You know – around now."

Wufei nodded, but he seemed distracted by my Hannibal poster. His sharp, dark eyes glanced over the others. "Sweeney Todd __and__ – is that Maleficent?"

"Yeah, I thought gender equality would do the room some good."

"Do you have __any__ posters of good guys?"

I shrugged. "The good guys are boring. Why do you ask about Zechs?"

Wufei rocked back on his heels, fisted his hands in his Preventors' outfit pockets and scowled. "I want to go with you to speak with him again."

"Got any questions in particular?"

Wufei was silent for a moment, but then he nodded and said tightly, "his secret. The one he'd held with Khushrenada. I can't think of another reason why he would fight to keep something secret from Une."

I frowned, too. "You mean the idea that he and Treize worked together to act as the baddies, right? To show what __could__ happen if people kept fighting."

"That's right. It was the reason Zechs sent the Libra to crash on Earth."

"Right, right." Didn't change the fact that he was an ass. What if he'd succeeded? What if Heero hadn't been able to stop the Libra's fall? Worse, just the idea of putting Heero in that position... the man simply wanted Heero dead. I scowled deeply. "What about it?"

"I don't think Une was aware of their plan. If she was, her job was simply to clean up afterwards – to create the Preventors."

"So, what? Femorel has something to do with the end of the war?"

"That's what I think."

I huffed out a breath and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Great. When will all this shit be over?"

"Hopefully? After this." Wufei glared at the posters. "What do you think Yuy will say to your decorating job?"

"He'll be suitably horrified. Come on; I'm heading to the break room to see if Zechs is there yet." I scooted out of my chair and took a minute to stick my tongue out at the papers still waiting for me on my desk.

"Mature, Maxwell." Wufei followed me out the door, politely shutting it behind us.

"I try."

"Try harder."

I stuck my tongue out at him, too, for good measure. "Don't wanna." The break room wasn't far of from my office, nor was it from Heero's or Wufei's – apparently we were important enough to need easy access to coffee – but that also meant that __he__ had easy access, as well.

He had tea this time when we entered, leaning once more on the counter.

"Here or somewhere more private?" he asked, then looked over to Wufei. His eyes shifted a bit, from playfulness to... wariness? It wasn't respect, it wasn't concern. Just annoyance with his existence. Like he felt about Wufei how I felt about him. "You're joining him, then."

He said it as if I needed back-up against him. My fists clenched.

"Yes. I have a few questions of my own for you."

Wufei saved it then; he'd officially stated that he wasn't back-up. We just had the intention of ganging up on Zechs.

"There's a room hardly used here – let's go there."

We wouldn't argue privacy, so we all traipsed through the halls, watching as several others moved in the opposite direction of us; their shifts were over, and they were finding the nearest exit. Our destination was definitely a rarely-used room, but it was one I recognized, and it made me stop for a millisecond. We were headed to the cassette player room – the one in which I had listened to Carn's message to me.

Zechs was the one to open the door, since Wufei and I refused to show our backs to him. He simply snorted and twisted the knob, leading us inside.

Gods, he was a bastard.

The room hadn't changed for shit in the short period of time since I'd entered, and I immediately took residence in the area I was most comfortable; of course, it didn't hurt that the cassette player was to the direct left of the door. Wufei stood beside me while Zechs went by the compact disk player on the right of the room.

"Well?" he asked.

"Don't 'well' us." I threw myself straight into the conversation. "Femorel. You're hiding shit, and we wanna know what."

"'Wanna'?" he mimicked.

Oh my God, let me punch him. __Let me punch him.__

"Merquise. Answer."

But Zechs had no intention of making this easy. He leaned against the wall by the disk player and crossed his arms. His ankles were left deliberately __un__ crossed. Just in case. "How about an information exchange, 02?"

I __snarled__. "I told you, assfuck, I don't owe you or anyone answers to anything. Unlike __you__."

"Assfuck? I thought I was an asstard?"

"You're both," I hissed.

Wufei stuck a restraining hand on my chest and stood closer, until he was vaguely in front of me. "Merquise. The situation is not one that can be handled alone in the shadows."

I was surprised to see Zechs' smirk falter. "What do you know?" he asked, ton light. His arm muscles clenched.

I was all for taking the bastard on, but Wufei's arm in front of me didn't waver. "This is about Treize, isn't it?"

I was left watching the two like a fool. They seemed almost like a freakin' Western, with them in the middle of a damn duel, both about to draw. Or maybe they were just skinny, good-looking sumo wrestlers, judging up the competition before shouting out that "doskoi" or whatever and charging. And I was like the moron who had stepped in the middle of their path.

"Femorel is not your business," Zechs said, finally responding to Wufei's question.

"We're getting that damn information," I snapped, but Wufei still didn't let me fucking step forward. I glared at him, too, just to let him know he was pissing me off.

"Is Femorel something the two of you left behind? Or something you forgot to clean up?"

Zechs showed his teeth, and if it was supposed to be a grin, it failed miserably.

"It's the former, then," Wufei said, and though Zechs reacted in surprise as if he'd hit the nail on the head, I personally had no idea how he'd figured that out. I certainly hadn't seen that answer on Zechs' face.

"Oz left something like __this__ behind?" I turned from Wufei to Zechs. After all, dammit, I was much more pissed at him than Wufei.

"You know nothing." Zechs stood. "Don't make assumptions."

"We wouldn't have to if your dumb ass would just __tell__ us." Wufei's hand didn't move, but this time I just stepped away from it and went around. "Femorel is __your__ mistake, but they're coming after __us__. And you're standing here like you're superior-"

"Enough. You won't get any information from me."

"Then why the fuck did you come here?!" My short nails were biting into my palms enough for me to bleed.

"I wanted to know about you and Yuy."

I snapped back like I'd been shot. Wufei immediately stood in front of me again. "And if you feel your mistakes are not worth airing," Wufei said, and his voice was helluva low, that soft tone that he'd used during the war to let me know he was two seconds away from killing my ass, "Maxwell's relationship with Yuy is most certainly not something worth explaining to someone not worth their time."

Oh, shit. Wufei just __burned__ him.

Zechs looked furious for a moment, but then his eyes cleared and he smiled. "I would be careful."

"I don't give a fuck what __you__ would do, you lazy hack job," I snapped. "Your stupid fucking ass left __that__ alone for __years__. And __now__ look what you've-"

"They want something you have," Zechs told me, cutting me off __again__ , singeing my last nerve to its tiniest thread, "and they'll take it from you, make no mistake."

 _ _Heero__.

I flew at him. "You bastard! What the fuck do you know?!" I swung at him, but of course he dodged. I maneuvered around the damn player, following him, sweeping a foot through the air toward his throat. He jumped to the side and grabbed for my ankle, almost catching it. I pulled it back just in time, then threw it back out again before it touched the floor. This time he __did__ catch it.

"You aren't as good as him," Zechs told me, smirking.

" _ _Bastard!__ " I wrenched my leg free with pure strength and swung for a backfist. My braid obscured his vision, and the backfist connected straight onto his left cheek. I planted my feet forward and swung my other fist to finish what I'd started.

"Maxwell! Stop!"

I did on instinct, following my comrade's orders. My fist paused a breath from Zechs' cut cheek.

Zechs punched me in the gut.

It was like Heero's punch all over again; I felt the wind suck out of my body, watched stars dance. Wufei screamed out my name.

Then as I gasped for breath and fought against the darkness Heero had managed to send me into instantly (ha, take that; Heero was stronger), Zechs' hand chopped at my neck and I was down.

* * *

"Maxwell?"

 _ _No__.

I knew that if I woke up, there would be a definite amount of pain involved. I wanted nothing of it.

"Maxwell, you have to get up."

Nope. Most definitely __no__.

It almost seemed like Wufei hesitated before talking to me again. "If you don't, I'll call Yuy. I'll tell him that Zechs beat you up."

For a very short instant, that sounded fucking sweet. I imagined it in that split instant, the quiet, calm opening of the door as Heero entered Zechs' office as if it were just a random visit, and then as he walked unhurriedly over to the man's desk... and then how he would strangle the fucking life out of him.

Oh, yeah, I could go for that.

And then I heard the tell-tale beep of a number being pressed on a phone and suddenly I remembered why that would be __bad__.

Zechs was a potential enemy, and Heero's wellness was a ball that we most definitely wanted in our court.

We needed to all be on our game, and squabbling with another Preventors agent, even if the man was an insufferable bastard who deserved the worst sort of torture – I think the worst torture ever inflicted was crucifixion, so maybe that – would be an unnecessary waste of time and resources. Unnecessary waste... yeah. Redundant.

And killing Zechs might potentially be a bad thing. Maybe.

Okay, maybe not, but the first two reasons were good.

Besides, I didn't want Heero to know that I'd gotten my ass handed to me. Again.

"Okay, okay, I'm up. Bastard."

Oh, yeah, there was pain. Lots and lots of pain. My neck felt like it'd had a blunt saw rubbing against the back of it, even with my braid to take some of the force. Had the fucker been trying to __break__ it? My neck, not my braid. And then there was my gut, which was throbbing with my heartbeat, just like my neck but in a deeper, all-around suck kind of way. At least I could breathe again.

I sat up and struggled to hold both my stomach and my neck at the same time. Wufei flipped his phone closed. I glared at it, then at the room. Seeing that Zechs had apparently made his exit, I turned my glare to Wufei.

"I'm sorry, Maxwell," he said, and he was definitely contrite; he looked ready to fiddle with his ponytail. "I just hadn't wanted to lose our chance for information, and – I hadn't gotten to you in time. I apologize." His eyes slid to the floor.

"It's fine," I grunted, rubbing the back of my neck. The coolness of my fingers felt really good against the heat of the injury. "I get it. That mother – he did it for a cheap shot."

"Most likely to get to Yuy," Wufei said softly.

I turned to him. "Get to him? How?"

"You know him – he wants to know which of them is stronger, but through the past years, Heero hasn't risen to the man's bait. Without the war, Heero has no reason to fight him. Zechs just can't let it go. He thinks he's become stronger through his travels after the war..."

"I __hate__ him."

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Wufei rolled his eyes and stood, grabbing my hand to help me up. I took it, but I refused to fall into the pain in my stomach, even if it was ridiculously bad. The bastard hadn't held back at __all__.

"In any case," I sighed, "I guess knowing that it's an old Oz thing is good. Maybe Greaves can get something."

"Do you trust him?" Wufei asked.

"Definitely."

Wufei was silent for a time, and we took the chance to look over my outfit and fix the wrinkles so that Heero wouldn't notice when I got back to the house. "All right," he said finally.

"Thanks, 'Fei."

"If you want to thank me, say my name correctly."

"...'Fei."

He hissed at me, but all it did was make me laugh – though when I grunted in pain and clutched my stomach in clear regret, Wufei was the one to laugh until we made it outside Preventors HQ.

* * *

* * *

I could only be slightly thankful that that bastard had hit me in the back of the neck, where the bruise and the swelling would be more difficult to see. When I got back to the house, Heero was right there, practically on my ass. He wasn't in the wheelchair, but I guess he'd heard only my footsteps approaching.

"Duo." Heero came and kissed me, one quick smack on the lips. "Are you all right?"

My God, it was like the man had some sort of ESP thing going on. "Um, yeah? Why wouldn't I be?" I removed my gun and set it on the coffee table, not wanting it put away, where it would take a moment to grab. My stomach hurt like a bitch.

"You were late. It's ridiculous, but I got worried." He cocked his head to the side. "Are you hungry?"

"A bit." He just randomly got worried? Yeah, that's a creepy sort of ESP, all right. "How was your day?"

"Fine. Boring. Yours? What did you find out?"

I groaned. "Wufei went with me, and he confirmed something he'd been thinking." I went out to the kitchen, since Heero obviously had food plans. "Is Greaves here? Has he stopped by?"

"No and no. Why?"

"Because repetition is annoying." Heero was watching me strangely, and I was hard-pressed to walk normally with my still-stinging stomach. I looked around; the oven was on, and something was quietly simmering inside. "Shit, Heero, did you cook for me? Fuck; I'm sorry I'm late, I hadn't realized just how-"

But Heero just kissed me on the cheek. "No, it's fine. I just wanted it ready for whenever you got back. I know how much you love Zechs." He gave me that smile of his. "Now sit and spill."

"Fine, but we didn't get much. He didn't want to tell us anything. He was more interested in getting information from __us__." Not that I had any intention of telling Heero what. If Zechs was trying to get Heero to fight him, I would thwart his ass every chance I got. Heero hated fighting, for all his skill. Fighting for sport was something Heero detested.

Heero sighed, though, in a way that told me he understood the personality trait I was referencing. "And?"

"Well, Wufei had figured out that this whole thing is about the end of the war, and apparently, from what Wufei gleaned, it's something Treize and Zechs had started that they forgot to take care of afterwards."

Heero paused in taking out what I could now recognize as marinated chicken. "Like what?"

"Dunno."

"They have my double," Heero said, more talking to himself than to me. "Something they didn't clean up? We destroyed Libra..."

I tried to think about it, too, but my mind was a complete blank. "Look, all I can think of is White Fang. Those bastards crawled out of the woodwork like no one's business, suddenly sporting shittastic weaponry and shit, and there's Zechs, __again__ , once more making our lives miserable..."

Heero chuckled and placed the chicken down. "'Shittastic?'"

"Yup." I grinned. "I mean, I know Zechs is rolling in the dough, what with the Peacecraft background, but that sort've machinery's hard to grab, you know? Maybe that's it?"

"I don't know. Quinze was a good leader."

"Meh." I got up. "What can I do to help?"

"Just hit start on the microwave, and the rice will be ready in five minutes."

I did as told and leaned with my back against the counter. "So they have you, and maybe the other. If we do have to attack, it'll be hard."

"First, we have to know what they're after."

" _ _They want something you have, and they'll take it from you, make no mistake."__

I rubbed my stomach absentmindedly. "Zechs had... a theory about that."

"A theory?" Heero grabbed two plates, and I got off of the counter to grab the utensils. Heero took a fork and speared two pieces of chicken, putting one on each plate.

"He said they want you."

I'd wanted Heero to hesitate, to question, but all he did was nod. "That's what I thought."

It wasn't fair to feel my heart drop to my already abused stomach.

"Heero?"

"It makes sense. I am the ultimate creation, the thing J struggled to create. It makes sense that they would want to run tests on me."

The microwave dinged, and I jumped into the air. For the first time in forever, my hand automatically went to my hip. Thank goodness I'd taken my gun off.

"Duo."

Heero caught my action – it wasn't something easily missed, especially by an ex-soldier – and paused in scooping out the rice. The spoon clanged against the rice bowl. Heero came up to me and grabbed my arms. "I won't get caught."

"I believe it was __you__ who constantly told me not to say-"

Heero leaned in and effectively shut me up.

It was warm, a warm kiss that calmed the flashing beat of my heart, and when Heero's arms wrapped around my back, I bucked my hips forward and pulled on Heero's shoulders, wanting more. His arms were strong and real, his tongue tasting of sauce – he'd been licking the marinara. It made me smile.

When he let go, I plopped my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him. "I love you," I told him.

"I love you, too. I won't leave you."

My heart was starting to imitate a hummingbird's again. "I won't let them have you."

Our embrace tightened, both of us needing the other closer. "I won't get caught. I am, after all, the final product of the most extensive research on the human body ever completed."

I hummed. "And they got the important parts done right, too."

Heero choked. I pulled back in order to get a good look at the blush I knew to be staining his cheeks. I laughed at the sight of it. Heero pushed me playfully – right on my stomach.

I thank my training for this, because I managed to turn a double-over into mock agony, collapsing on the floor and curling into an only-half-joking ball of misery. Motherfucker, that hurt.

"Come on, Duo, you're going to get your hands dirty." Heero walked over me to put the dishes on the table.

"Agh, you've killed me."

Heero just laughed, thank God.

* * *

It was while we were cleaning up after dinner that Greaves showed up, knocking on the back door. I was so surprised I opened the door without giving him a hard time.

"Strike." Greaves nodded.

"Hey," I returned. "What took you so long?"

"You first." He looked at Heero, who was loading up the dishwasher. I'd been in the middle of putting the leftovers into containers. Greaves went over and snatched a piece of chicken. Heero snarled. "Mmm, this is good. So? What did you find?"

"It's something from the end of the war, something Zechs and Treize started but didn't finish."

Greaves nodded. "And that's all you got, right?"

"Yeah." Greaves sent me an 'eye message,' but I deliberately turned from it. "Anything on your end?"

"No."

Useful.

"I suppose we're out of information for now." Heero came over beside me and snapped the lid on the Tupperware containing the chicken, glaring heatedly at Greaves and the piece in his hand. "Have any plans?"

"Not especially." Greaves finished off the chicken and licked his fingers. "You know we'll have to go in. Attack them."

My damn heart was thundering. My injured gut was doing weird movements that only served to turn my pain into nausea. "Yeah."

"Well, then, let's get started on all of that, shall we?"

"Not without the others." I was putting my foot down on that one. "We need to get rounded up and work this through together." Greaves simply nodded. "Alrighty then. I wonder if everyone can just drop over?"

"If not, then they won't be planning," Heero said, and picked up the vid phone. "I'll take care of contacting everyone. You finish cleaning up before that fool eats everything we own."

I looked back at Greaves in time to see him steal a spoonful of rice. I snatched the spoon from his hands.

"The problem," Greaves said, seemingly unperturbed about having his utensil taken from him, "is that they obviously have plans outside of their old function. They have focused on helping Caribol, on creating weapons, and they have a strange interest in Yuy and his modifications."

"You mean they're planning something outside of their original purpose." Heero entered the conversation just in time to leave it. I heard him say hello to Trowa.

"That about sums it up, yes. That's most likely why you didn't get much information, Strike – I can't imagine the brilliant Zechs Merquise to be pleased with their delinquency."

I grunted. I couldn't imagine Zechs being pleased, period.

"That's right," Heero said. "Yes, I'm about to call Wufei."

"I take it this is important. Wufei just finished telling us about Oz's involvement in this."

"If not Oz, then most certainly Treize and Zechs." Heero looked over to me, as if simply hearing the name would be enough for me to blow my top. I had to stop myself from touching my stomach. If only Heero knew. He turned back to the screen when I just shrugged and scowled. "Greaves is here, and we would like to plan our next move."

"Well, at least Quatre and I are no longer living the boring corporate life," Trowa said drolly. "As soon as Quatre's out of the shower, I'll let him know."

"Thanks."

Heero hung up with Trowa and speed-dialed Wufei.

"More importantly," Greaves said, and I grabbed the containers and took them over to the fridge, "you should be careful, Strike."

I tossed the containers in beside the milk and closed the door. "For once, dude, they're not after me."

"No, but there's a link between Yuy and you, and I'm certain they will become aware of it."

Heero's voice cut off then, and I heard a hiss from the vid phone. I looked over. Heero hadn't turned from the phone, but his shoulders were straight and I thought I could see the form of a fist. I cleared my throat and ignored the pain in my neck and stomach, both of which chose this exact opportunity to throb. "Yeah, I'll just bet. But I'm not like those damsels in distress in the damn movies – I'm a fucking ex-Gundam pilot. They can come after me if they want; it'd be a dumbass move."

Heero's posture didn't loosen in the slightest. I had no doubt that anyone trying to use me to get to him would receive a fury worse than anything hell could come up with.

It was absolutely ridiculous and disgustingly girly, but it totally gave me a tingle inside. "Heero, the only time I won't be around you, I'll be at work, with lots and lots of people trained in the usage of guns."

"Yuy," I heard Wufei say, but he didn't say anything else.

"Come off it, Yuy," Greaves said then, most definitely pissing Heero off more, "did you really think Strike would be safe during this venture? Is he ever?"

It must've shocked him to laugh at that, because after he did, he tensed up even more. "No. I had already thought of the possibility."

Ah.

"Greaves, shoo for a minute." I waved my hand at him as if he were a dog, and though Greaves would normally have at it with me for doing it, he slipped out of the room with nothing more than a shrug and a smirk. "Hey, 'Fei? Be here soon, okay?"

Wufei snorted. "Of course, Maxwell. Be done by the time I get there?"

"Oh, you know us. We're skilled. We'll be finished in just a couple minutes."

"...Thank you for that, Maxwell."

"Welcome." I slid my hands around Heero's waist and snapped the vid phone closed. Then I snuggled. "You know, I don't give a fuck if they come after me. I love you." Seemed both of us were going to be needing some assurances tonight.

"Duo." Heero sighed. "You're always so eloquent."

"Oh, yeah. You should see me in bed."

It surprised another laugh out of him. He turned around in my arms and hugged me. "I'm sorry I'm putting you in danger."

"I can't count the number of times I've put you in danger, Heero." I looked into those cobalt eyes I loved so much. "And I don't care. I don't consider it a bad thing – to be with you, and thus be put in danger. And long as I get the former."

And Heero smiled at me. "That really was eloquent."

"Shut up." And this time __I__ kissed __him__.

Greaves popped in a few minutes later. "Oh, sorry, I didn't think you'd still be going."

I flipped him off and hooked a leg around Heero's waist.

"I'll just be waiting in the living room, then."

* * *

Long story short, we all came to the conclusion that the weekend would be the time to go, and that until then, we would try to learn what we could about the building. Greaves had volunteered for the bulk of that. Personally, I wanted to know where Greaves went and how much money he had.

Night had already drifted in by the time everyone had gathered, but it was morning by the time the meeting was over, and Heero was adamant that I get my sleep. (I'd also like to note, too, that no one took Heero's quick recovery as odd in any way, shape, or form. Talk about funny shit.) So Heero had shooed everyone out of the house and practically pushed me up the stairs. I didn't really think anything of it, because Heero was in the habit of being mother-hennish.

And then Heero made me stop as I made my way to my room. "Duo..." And Heero looked over to his room.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Heero, I wanted to be with Heero, too, and I really didn't want to be alone after hearing that Femorel was after Heero. He most likely felt the exact same way.

But I undoubtedly had two very bad bruises, and Heero, trained as he was in fighting, would recognize a battle wound if he saw one.

So I took the lead and entered Heero's room, very carefully leaving the light off as I went in.

Heero hesitated in the hall, and I knew the bastard was thinking. "Coming?" I asked, and got the satisfaction of having Heero enter the room. I knew his hand would be reaching for the light, and there wasn't shit I could do without being suspicious as hell. So I let him flick it on and sat on his bed. "Wanna talk, or what?"

Heero watched me. "Yeah. Duo, about Femorel-"

"Is this a mother-hen statement, or a martyr one?" I crossed my arms.

He blinked for a moment before smiling and coming to sit next to me. "Hmm. A mother-henning one." Heero leaned in to nuzzle the back of my ear. My mind flashed to the bruise on the back of my neck and I'm afraid I shimmied away from him awful quick. I blew it off with a short glare. "No mother-henning allowed. And no distracting from the mother-henning, either."

Heero chuckled. "None at all?" And he laid a hand on my thigh. I gulped.

"Um, no. And this is... I thought I needed sleep?"

Heero leaned in, and though I leaned back and turned my head, he still managed to whisper in my ear, "are you sleepy?"

Not even remotely.

"Not fair," I said, and Heero grinned. "I said no, um, no – Heero, don't, dammit, I can't think-" I grabbed at his wandering hand, the one coming dangerously close to my crotch, but Heero just grabbed my hand with his free one and kept sliding up.

"You don't need to think, and I won't break our promise to wait." And he captured my lips.

This was something I understood, as well. More than hormones, Heero wanted to know I was alive in his arms.

Ah. I closed my eyes and tangled my free hand in his hair. Not fair.

I only remembered my bruise when Heero's hand slid up from my waist to push me down. The sudden flare of pain brought me to my senses. "H-Hold on."

"Mmm." Heero had descended to my throat and was leaving what would surely be vivid marks there. It was only a matter of time before he found the mark already sitting on my neck.

"Wait, Heero, seriously."

Heero did stop then, but the eyes that turned to me weren't so dark with desire that surprise and just a tiny tinge of hurt couldn't be read. Ouch. "Lights."

"Why do you want them out?"

I thought quickly. "I wanna try something."

Now he was interested. Too bad I had no idea what the 'something' was, myself. I cleared my throat and got up.

Heero grabbed my wrist. The desire in his eyes was fading. "You wanted the lights off before I initiated this, Duo."

Those damn eyes were looking through me again.

"You're hiding something."

"Heero..." I tried stupidly to pull my wrist free. Heero tightened his grip, just enough to let me know he wouldn't be letting me go, and loosened before a bruise could be made.

"Duo, it's best just to tell me."

Damn, but it was hard to hide things from fucking ex-Gundam pilots. "Um, I dunno about that. I mean," I added as Heero's hand clenched around my poor wrist, "the whole reason I'm not telling you is because I don't want you to, you know, get angry."

"I'm already angry, Duo."

Yeah, I could tell. His eyes were glittering. "Um..."

"Duo, despite how I acted during the war, I'm afraid I really do have a bad imagination. Please, just tell me."

That spark of hurt was there again, this time in his voice. I tried to think about how I'd feel in his position and hunched my shoulders. "It's nothing like that!" I tried again. "I mean, I love __you__ , dammit, and that's the third time I've said it in twenty-four damn hours. I'm turning into a girl."

Heero was silent for a moment. Then, "you know that sounds horribly suspicious."

I nodded stupidly. "Yeah, I do."

"Duo, dammit, __tell me__."

I gave up. "How can you possibly be more stubborn than me?" I sat on the bed again.

Heero, sensing my capitulation, let go of my hand. "it's because you're stubborn about everything. I save up my stubbornness for when it counts."

"I am not stubborn about everything," I argued, but Heero's cocked eyebrow made me stop. "Yeah, yeah." I sighed then and half-glared at him. "You will not get so angry you do something stupid, okay?"

"So you __did__ do something with someone."

"Dammit, Heero, __no,__ I did not. And thank you for the trust." I fingered the bedsheets, not ready to let the bomb go off.

"I wouldn't be having trust issues if you weren't blatantly hiding from me." And Heero touched the bottom of my chin, asking silently for me to look up at him. I did, albeit reluctantly. "Please?"

Agh. Getting hit full-force with a frontal assault of Cobalt wasn't fair at all.

I sighed again and lifted my shirt. Heero gasped as soon as my stomach was in sight. I tossed it to the floor and pulled my braid over my shoulder. I took the chance to look down at what had captured Heero's attention. My stomach was a mass of purple ringed by brown-ish black. Shit. "Huh. Didn't think it would be that bad."

"What..." Heero's hand reached out, but only the very tips of his fingers touched. "What the hell happened?"

"I met with a disagreeable fist." I chuckled, but Heero didn't look amused. "I told you to not get too pissed."

" _ _Zechs."__

That one word was filled with such malice, I actually leaned back. "Um, I never actually said-"

"Who else?" he snarled, and was up from the bed just like that. I blinked; I almost hadn't followed the movement. "That man's been trying to get me upset for years now."

I shrugged. "And now, what? You're upset? Over this?" I indicated my stomach and wondered if it would be best to not show him my neck.

"Of course!"

"Why? You hit me here once, too, and harder than him."

Heero winced when I said that.

"Anyway, I'll just get this over with." Heero looked at me sharply then; he must have thought I was done. I smiled grimly. "Here." I pointed to my neck. There was no point in trying to hide it; Heero knew damn well I was sensitive around my neck, and he had been about to find it already. Trying to hide it now would just be stupid.

Heero had to come up and check it; after confirming that it was a bruise and it did hurt – or whatever Heero had been checking for – he turned me around and kissed me, hard and fast. "Don't try to protect me from this sort of thing, Duo."

"Just don't fight him because of this." Even though it would be fucking awesome to see Zechs get his ass kicked. "I know you don't want to fight him, and if you do once, he'll keep expecting it."

"I know." Heero didn't seem thrilled with the idea of letting it go, though.

"Idiot." I grabbed his hand, pulled him with me to turn off the light, then tugged Heero onto his bed. "I'm not upset about you... okay, yeah, I'm pissed that you tricked me back then, with the punching thing, but I get why, so don't even think about that. I'm just saying that, as an orphan and as a pilot, I've been through loads worse."

Heero slid a hand up until he was cupping my cheek, and after a second, he kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry for that." He slid down even as I grabbed the covers and lightly kissed my stomach. "And that."

I sucked my breath in. "You're being disturbingly sweet."

Heero laughed, and his breath ghosted over my stomach. It made my skin jump. "You're __such__ a romantic."

"You know it." And I tucked us in.

Heero spooned up behind me and lightly ran the tips of his fingers over my stomach. And when I was practically asleep, he kissed the back of my neck, his lips lingering there until past when I slipped into la-la land.

* * *

* * *

So let me tell you what my next day at work was like.

It went something like this: oh, ow, shit, the wounds hurt more in the morning. Saw it coming but am not thrilled. Hello work, hello crazy psycho bitch, hello stupid newbie recruits who like to make fun of my hair. Hello fun time dropkicking said newbie recruits. Hello lunchtime.

Hello Zechs.

Okay, I'll slow it down.

After one insult too many, I had set the newbies up for a practice trial, in which I engaged six-on-one against the idiots. Now, it's been three years since everything finished war-side, and I might be lucky to be in my twenties at this point. I am actually younger than most of these idiots – something they, of course, did not fail to immediately notice. By this age factor I would like to say that my muscles have only enhanced. Mwahaha. Let's just say I won.

So it had made me feel good, though I sported a wannabe bruise on my left forearm – the man didn't have much skill, but he did have strength – and my stomach was burning an extra fire because unnecessary physical activity when wounded is dumb. Still, I felt damn good, since after getting their asses handed to them, the newbies had learned not to make fun of me. Better yet, lunchtime meant food time and, hey, I'm always a fan of regular meals.

Now, let's just say, for whatever reason, I had to go to the bathroom. There are rumors this happens to several people, unlucky as they are. I, being an unfortunate in this area as well, decided to take a piss break before the joys of food digestion could begin – well, maybe both had to do with food digestion, but the latter was more enjoyable. Then let's say some pompous asswipe whom I may or may not despise – but definitely do – just happened to be __waiting outside my damn office for me__. Yeah.

I was not thrilled.

Still, I got to be the one to start out the conversation, and I'm not known for wasting time, now am I? "Didn't work," I said with a smile, and went to move right on past him.

"Oh? Yuy doesn't care enough?" Zechs stood from leaning against the wall – what was he, a supermodel? – and uncrossed his arms.

"Not about you, no." I really wanted to leave, but I didn't trust the man to not randomly tackle me. And I had enough bruises, thanks.

"I still have yet to hear everything about your relationship with Preventer Angel."

Angel? I blinked, and I swear it took far too long for me to realize that that was Heero's Preventor name. I almost laughed – I'd been named Shinigami. Win. Fucking win. "Yeah, and you won't be hearing anything about it," I said, even though it was very late for a retort.

"Oh? You do understand your position, don't you?"

"My position," I snarled, "is just outside my office, where a fight would be easily witnessed. But hey, if you wanna start something again, I'm good for it. My friend isn't here to stop me this time."

Zechs merely smirked. His fucking face was superiorly looking down on me, as if what I'd said proved my inferiority. "I see no reason to defeat you again. Surely you can see you can't beat me. No, I have something more important to note."

I was in no mood. "Yeah, well, I'm hungry, so fuck off."

It was when I was finally moving past him, aware of every movement he made, that he spoke again, once more crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. "You'll get him killed, you know."

I didn't pause. "The hell I will."

"So you can keep up with them? You, who couldn't keep himself out of trouble for more than a week during the war?"

My fists clenched, but I managed to keep walking. If Heero could keep himself from beating the man up, then so could I.

"Someone like you will only slow him down."

I turned at the bend next to the break room, where my beautiful lunch waited in the freezer. "Dude, you sound fuckin' __jealous__."

Zechs glared, and I turned away again, my braid swishing against my back. Ah, sweet victory.

"Maybe I am."

That stopped me cold.

Zechs hadn't moved from the wall, but his stance was much more battle-ready. I tensed, as well, and spread my feet, prepared to defend – or maybe just fucking attack. "What the hell are you saying?"

"Oh, I certainly don't want sex with him," Zechs said, "but I would prefer to be his priority."

That sounded far too sexual. Worse, it wounded like he wanted Heero to be... girly. "You want him __mooning__ over you?"

"Don't you?" Zechs grinned, but it wasn't at all kind. I bristled. "But no, that's not what I meant. I want him thinking about defeating me. His warrior self has been lost over the years."

I couldn't believe the man could make me hate him more. "Heero hasn't __lost__ anything!"

"As a Gundam pilot, he raised me to new levels of power with his presence. He had the ability to make people turn to him, listen to him. Fall to him. He was a true soldier. Now he's changed. He's lost his love of the battlefield."

"He never __had__ it!" I was entering a battle rage. I wanted nothing more than to shoot him, to shut him up, to make sure he could never get near Heero again. How long had Heero been hearing this man's words? How many times had Heero had to listen to this, to question himself, to remember the training that bastard J had put him through? How much?

"I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him again after your presence in his life, but I can only assume he's fallen even further into the civilian life. It will be his death."

And finally his words sunk in, enough that I could hear him, really __hear__ him. I thought back to when I'd fought Heero, back when I'd... back when I'd thought he was a cyborg, and everything almost ended in disaster. Had Heero been weaker? He'd certainly seemed invincible to me, but this was the man who had stopped a base from exploding, the man who had punched me in the gut and knocked my ass out.

 _ _Was__ he... weaker?

"So even you can understand," Zechs murmured.

"Heero can take care of himself," I said finally, but I wasn't sure if I was convinced. I had put myself in harm's way, though, and, I remembered, Heero had been trying to make me think he was trying to kill me, but in actuality, he'd been carefully keeping me alive. That... that last moment probably happened because I'd thrown myself straight into danger, and Heero, to protect me, let me get close. He __gave__ me the opportunity to kill him.

This time, my conviction was stronger. "You don't understand Heero at all. Everything you've said proves that. I know Heero's strong, stronger than you think. Wanting to live in peace isn't a vulnerability, and not wanting to fight isn't a weakness."

Zechs shook his head. "You really will kill him."

It made me flinch, and I knew Zechs picked up on it. He tilted his head in recognition of the small victory.

"Though, if Heero Yuy gained his strength again, I believe he would be an asset to my plans against Femorel."

"Gained his strength again." It didn't take a genius to understand what he meant. "You want me to break up with him."

He shrugged. "Or whatever you want to call it. If he truly does care for you, it will only serve to slow him down. If not, then all the better; sex is not a problem, simply the emotions you seem to have."

Emotions which he obviously considered weak. "I feel bad for Noin. Following you around all these years, and she'll never be anything to you. Poor woman's gonna be single forever."

"No. I simply know when to turn off my emotions."

"If you can 'turn off' your feelings for Noin, then they aren't love." I stood straight again, let myself relax a bit. "I think we're done here."

"Oh? You won't give him up?" Zechs seemed unsurprised by this. "You really don't know about Femorel. You alone won't know what you're facing."

"And whose fault is that?" But I wasn't getting into this argument again. "We'll take care of the Femorel problem. After all, we took care of both Oz and White Fang, and you were our enemy in both."

Zechs wasn't pleased with the reminder. "I planned on you defeating White Fang."

"So you knew we were stronger from the get-go." I shrugged and waved. "Whatever. Toodles."

"It's not quite so simple," Zechs said then, and even though I turned to demand an answer, he only smiled and waved me away.

* * *

After that, things only got funner.

Une called me in exactly one hour before I was supposed to head off back to Heero, and when I entered her office, two men were standing in front of her, backs straight, feet shoulder-length apart, and hands behind their backs. Fucking soldiers. And then Une turned to me.

"I need you to accompany these men on a bust."

A bust. "Like a drug bust?" Fuck. Well, I was gonna be late back.

"Yes. They should be heading out now, so you need to suit up immediately. Information will be given to you on the way."

"Great. Why so last-minute?"

"They had more weapons and abilities than originally anticipated. Three men were downed taking a look around, and we barely got them back."

"So they know we're coming." I grimaced. "Great." Une knew damn well I was more the surprise and conquer type, but I guessed I was taking what would normally be Heero's place. Fantastic.

"Come, Agent Death," one of the men said, and I lifted an eyebrow at the name. Guess they also couldn't handle saying such a complicated word as Shinigami. "We have a car waiting."

Fuck. That sounded far too much like what the Oz soldiers had said when they'd taken me out to meet my adoring public before my scheduled execution. "Oh, goodie," I said, trying to roll the man's words off my shoulders. "This should be fun."

"Still have that humor, I see." And the man turned to face me.

 _ _Mother__. He really __was__ one of the soldiers who had taken me out to meet my adoring public before my scheduled execution. "Uh, yeah, still got it good."

Let's guess how this went, shall we?

So Une let us go, and while on our way to the car, the soldier makes a few cracks about me, then says we're allies now, then proceeds to treat me as if I were practically invisible. Okay. Let me slow down again.

The car, first off, sucked. I like cars. I especially like fast cars, and pretty cars are kind've nice, too. This particular car is what I believe people would call a clunker. If they were feeling generous.

First, it was a stick. And though I don't mind sticks, in this day and age, they better be on a showroom floor, because those babies are not useful in any sort of speed situation.

Second, the engine was not only extremely sub-par, it also seemed to want to die. Sputteringly. I was surprised the thing started up at all.

Third – and by this time, it's probably of no surprise to anyone whatsoever – the thing was __ugly__. I think the paint job would've been awful even if it were fine, but the thing was so old it had just turned the general color of rust. I kind've faltered on my way to the thing when I realized the monstrosity for what it was, thus managing to shut the ex-soldier up for a minute.

"All right?" he asked. I just nodded and looked at the other guy, the one who was obviously the ex-soldier's partner. He didn't seem to want to meet my eyes, but he did keep shooting his partner overt glares. Huh. A silent ally, but an ally nonetheless. I'd take it and run with it.

I got the backseat of the thing, of course, while the silent one got the steering wheel. The talkative bastard turned to me after I latched my seatbelt and took the chance to grin at the action. I didn't bother telling him that I didn't trust his partner at the wheel or that I didn't trust the car to manage over forty without exploding, let alone have proper traction.

"We're heading in to Gringoll Alley. Know the place?"

"I've only been here for a short time, and I already know plenty about it." It was the baddy central of this particular city. "Weapons, drugs? Both?"

"Both," the man said with a nod, "Though we didn't know the last one until we went in last time. We need to get them before they head out."

I didn't know if that would be possible in this vehicle.

"The drugs aren't normal, though, which is why we Preventors were brought in to begin with." As they spoke, I was pointed to the trunk, and when I wrenched back one of the cushions behind me, I found our weapons and two Kevlar vests. I grabbed one and put it on, then passed out the weapons.

"I want you to understand that we are allies now," the ex-soldier continued, rather randomly, and looked at me like I was about to rip his throat out. "There is to be no in-fighting."

"No shit?" I tossed it out with just a tiny bit of sarcasm. And a lot of annoyance.

"Look, you may be S-Class, but we're in charge of this case."

"Dude, have I said word one against your leadership in this endeavor?" I double-checked my gun as I spoke, ignoring how the man glared at me, obviously wanting me to catch his eye. Finally his partner cleared his throat, and the bastard turned back to the front.

Said partner was the one to finally give me the information on the bust, the dozen or so men we should be expecting and the Special K – Ketamine – the bastards had been hiding in food in nearby grocery stores.

And then I got the news about the weapons – the assault weapons and mini-gatlings that these geniuses had just... missed. Somehow.

And then we were just outside a – oh, these people are creative – car garage, and they were definitely ready for us. We'd hardly gotten to the damn place when they opened fire on me. I wasn't supposed to be on the field, goddammit. Worse, as if taking down a team when I was supposed to be a fucking comp analyst and trainer wasn't enough, I had to cover for those two fools when they decided to run from cover to cover to get close enough to the gatlings to take down those men.

Stealth? What about stealth? Go behind, wrap around, blend with the baddies?

No. Don't wanna.

So I ended up using up all my bullets protecting those idiots and had two men come up behind me. I managed to sense them as they snuck around my hiding spot, but one of their bullets, initially wild, managed to nick me as I rolled. I threw my gun at one and twirled around the other until I could grab his firing hand and twist. I snatched the gun as it fell to the ground and smashed the man's skull in. Then I had to run after the leader, who'd chosen his chance to escape with expert aplomb.

For their credit, as I left, those two took over the area and had those men on the ground kissing asphalt in seconds. Well trained. Just not by someone as good as me.

The chase was where things really got interesting. The bastard had on jeans and a black t-shirt. Sneakers. Brown hair. He ran to a bar, slid inside, and became smoke.

I, of course, didn't blend in so well. Preventors uniform, gun, braid. I got wrapped up in __people__ fucking __everywhere__. I ended up having to hold out my gun and tell the dumbass civilians to hit the floor before I could maneuver my way through to the back exit. The man wouldn't have stayed, and he wouldn't have ducked. He wasn't ready to get caught, which meant I had no chance of finding him in that bar.

The back door led to a thin alleyway with nothing more than a small trashcan. The alley ran right and left. Two directions. I looked at both, then at the cement wall blocking off the alley from the rest of the city. With a small grunt, I leaped up and grabbed the ledge. I hoisted myself up and looked around, gun at the ready.

Yep, and there he was, running off like a 'tard down the opposite alley and into the street. Just as I would've done. Give an enemy two roads and create a third. I jumped down and rolled on impact, leaping right back up and charging around the corner. __Now__ I had a lock on him. __Finally__ , I could actually start __chasing__ him.

So he ran two blocks to the grocery store, once more trying to lose me in the crowd, but grocery stores at night had no one in them and I could follow him, no problem. As soon as I pulled my gun out again, everyone hit the floor.

And that would be when the man turned to a college-age female on the ground and fired at her.

I shot the man's gun from his hand just a bit too late, and the woman screamed. I cursed and shot again, this time hitting the man in the leg and downing him. I shot the gun away from him, just in case, and ran over to the man. It didn't take long to handcuff him, then to order a cashier to call for an ambulance. Then I scurried over to the woman, keeping Mr. Civilian-Attacker well within my sights.

The woman's side, just below one of her breasts, had been hit, a pass-through near the edge of her body. I ripped off my shirt and tore it until it could be used to wrap up the wound. "You'll be all right," I assured her, but she was too busy crying to hear. I pulled up dispatch and radioed in my coordinates and the state of the suspect.

"U-Um, sir," an employee said, coming up beside me like he wanted to run away, "you have to have a shirt-"

"This woman's bleeding out on the floor and you're concerned about my shirt, little boy?"

The teenager withered under my glare. "It's just – my job..."

I nodded him over to the cashier. "Go over there and help her call this in. Tell her the woman's been shot in the side and has been bandaged, but hasn't yet stopped bleeding. Or crying," I added low under my breath. "And make sure she tells the ambulance there's another injured, a suspect who's in Preventer custody."

"Yes, sir." And with something to do, the boy ran off to do as told.

I watched him for a moment, noticing how his limbs trembled and how wide his eyes were. I thought back to how he'd looked at the blood on the ground like it were venomous.

And I had a bastard mix of envy, hatred, and... happiness. Even though I wish I'd had his life, even though I hated the fact that I'd suffered while he'd lived easy, I had to admit that seeing this boy, innocent to the point of naïve, running around in a grocery store with usually nothing on his mind save the new CD his favorite band had released, made me ridiculously pleased. It made me a little nicer when I smacked up the perp after he started threatening me.

Of course, Preventer ops took forever to arrive, and I had to go back and report to Une and write up the same thing I just said and managed to call Heero just long enough to tell him I was sorry, but I was gonna be even later. When Heero had asked why, I'd just told him I'd had to do clean-up as an apology for taking you out of work.

The shot I'd taken had just been a graze, and it wasn't so bad that I couldn't say I'd caught myself on a bad nail.

Yeah. Because with Heero angry with Zechs, he didn't need to be pissed with Une, too.

It was near fucking midnight when I finally got done, and when I got into the house I could only kiss Heero quickly on the lips, tell him he was awesome and Une was a sadist, and then fell into his bed without a thought.

It was only about an hour later, when Heero came up to me chuckling and kissed me on the cheek, that I'd come up to his room – his __bed__ – without thinking anything of it at all.

But Heero didn't say anything, simply getting in behind me and pulling me flush against him. If I hadn't been so damn tired, I probably would have gotten a little hot and bothered by it. Instead, Heero kissed me on the neck, whispered such a soft "I love you" I hardly heard it, and slipped an arm around my waist. I was asleep again in no time.

And dammit, but I had to go back in to work the next day.

* * *

* * *

I woke up in Heero's arms. Holy damn.

I'd never woken up with a hard-on before. At least, not with company present.

What was infinitely worse was our position on the bed. Heero had one arm possessively strung over my waist, and one leg was pushed between mine, dangerously close to my way-too-hot sac. I breathed in deeply and found myself equally entangling Heero – my arms were around his lower back and under his head, cradling it. My face was buried in his collarbone.

There was no way I was getting out of this without him waking up.

"Good morning, Duo."

Oh, __fuck__.

"Hey." I yawned and bent my back to try to stretch, but the maneuver wasn't the smartest one. Heero moved his arm down and locked my back in its arched position. My stomach was on his. My erection was on his.

I blushed like hell and tried to move away. Heero simply lifted his leg up a bit and rubbed against me.

I think I keened a little as I pulled myself closer to him.

Heero chuckled. "You woke up early. I didn't think you would. You were really tired last night."

"She's a slave driver." I groaned, but it was all because of Heero's free hand, twirling around until it was entangled in my hair, falling out of yesterday's braid in clumps. "I had a – mmm – long day, and – wait, Heero, morning breath much?" I pulled away from his questing mouth.

"Do you care?" he breathed, and my eyes almost crossed. His leg was going back and forth against me. I found myself rubbing back before I quite knew what to do.

"Ah, no, but-"

"No buts." And Heero pulled on my braid until our lips mashed together. Heero, having gained my compliance, moved his hand down from my back to my butt and, grabbing the flesh, pushed me up so that our erections were pressed tight against my jeans and – __fuck!__ Heero had nothing on.

"Not fair," I told him, breaking my lips free. He responded by slipping his other leg between mine, until my legs were spread open around him. "The fuck? I'm bottom?"

This time he laughed. "Only if you can't beat me to get top."

He and I both knew I couldn't fucking beat him. "Bastard."

He just licked down my jaw to my throat. I gasped at the feel, at the touch of his teeth at my pulse. Blood rushed straight down to my groin and throbbed like a tsunami. Shit.

Heero chuckled again. "Yup. That's a sensitive spot."

"Shut up." I reached for his chest and rubbed up until I found his nipple. Lightly I touched it, not knowing how much would please and how much would hurt. Heero hissed against my neck. "Sensitive spot?" I teased.

"Maybe. Or maybe I find your hesitancy endearing."

"Too many big words for the moment," I muttered, and I skimmed my fingers over the hard nub again. This time Heero didn't respond at all, and I frowned. Had I messed up? I pinched it lightly between my first and second fingers and rubbed up and down. Heero shivered. "Ha," I crowed quietly and smirked. "I win."

"Watch it." His own fingers left my braid and skimmed down until they had my back pressed up, until our chests were together like our pelvises, practically glued. My hand was stuck for a second, but I managed to get it out from between us.

"Heero," I gasped, "it's Friday – I still have to go in to see the witch. And the bastard – he talked to me last – yesterday, and... ah, shit, Heero..." I arched my neck back as Heero moved his hips somehow. Lightning. A hot shock of heat lightning just flashed through my groin, searing my vision white. " _ _Fuck__."

"So eloquent."

"Stop it with the big words!" I growled, but Heero bit the middle of my throat and my breath left me on a breath. I keened again.

"I love you," Heero murmured, rather randomly, and kissed my throat with odd gentleness.

My alarm sounded.

I was the only one to jump, dammit, though Heero's arms did tense around me. "It's time for you to get ready for work." He sounded less than thrilled.

Me? I couldn't fucking __breathe__ yet, let alone think. I gulped in air and tried to get some circulation back up north. "I – __fuck__ , Heero. __Fuck__."

The bastard had the audacity to chuckle. At least when I glared at him, he had the grace to hide his face in the crook of my shoulders. Too bad I could still feel him shaking in mirth. "That," he said, and his voice was full of both triumph and wonder, "was the best morning ever."

"You don't know that yet," I grumbled, but his words had me grinning stupidly. "It's only just started."

"Damn good start, then," he said, his voice muffled by my body, and I couldn't help but agree. Especially since his mouth was moving against my skin.

"I need a cold shower."

"So do I." Heero grinned up through his bangs. My breath caught again, captured by the beauty of those eyes and the glitter in them. The emotion – it hit me again, suddenly, randomly, how lucky I was to see such emotions in those eyes. "How about we share?"

Oh, shit. I had to close my eyes to stand a chance against that look of his. "Heero, if we go in together, we won't be coming out nearly in time for me to get to work on time."

"I know."

He didn't sound the least bit concerned about this.

I grit my teeth. "Yeah, well, she's annoyed enough about you being out of the office for me to not wish more wrath upon my head."

Heero frowned at that, but at least I managed to get out from his arms and shut off the damn alarm. "That's something I wanted to ask you – what did she keep you back for?"

I shrugged. "Menial crap. You know, I hadn't known some Preventors could be so stupid."

Heero snorted. "We needed you training the new recruits for a reason. But you're avoiding the question."

"That's because I can't fucking __think__." It was semi-true. I kicked off the sheets and scooted off the bed. "Let's see – paperwork, and did you know that one of my captors is now a coworker?"

Heero's eyes sharpened there. "What?"

"Oh, you heard me." I could finally get my brain functioning enough to know how to walk over to the bathroom. Heero watched my every step. "He was way too superior at first, but he finally just shut up. I felt bad for his partner – the poor man looked so damn uncomfortable around the idiot. Glad I'm S-Class." I pulled off my shirt as I headed to the hall and tossed it in the hamper.

"Where'd you get the bruises and cut?"

Good Lord, Mr. Mother-Hen. But I knew better then to throw that one out. Heero was probably waiting for more bad news. "Huh? Oh. Those. I had some fairly stupid recruits, and I got tired of them making cracks about my age. I had a battle royale against them and kicked their asses hard enough that they shut up. Got a couple good licks in from them, though. Guess Une doesn't let just anybody join." I shrugged and tossed him a quick grin. "I won, though, and that's what counts."

Heero rolled his eyes. "Only you, Duo."

"Now, now, don't go quoting Wufei!" I left the room and called out as I entered the bathroom, "You can't tell me they didn't say stupid shit about your looks, either!"

"Not after I glared at them," Heero responded loudly, and it made me laugh hard enough that I almost wasn't pissed by the hard shock of cold water on my skin after I stripped and got in the tub.

* * *

Heero already had breakfast on the table and was eating his share when I got down the stairs. I plopped down, still slightly shivering even after having dressed and rather miserable. Heero, however, looked like Christmas had come early. The bastard was laid-back, relaxed, and, when I entered, he looked up with a soft smile on his lips. My sulking glare only served to make that smile widen.

"Shut up," I muttered.

"You could have masturbated," he said simply.

I paused in the act of grabbing a plate and turned to him in shock. "Is that a joke?"

Though his eyes were definitely laughing, he shook his head. "It's the truth. Masturbating would have been much more enjoyable than the shower."

I snarled at him. "Really? Is that what you did?" Because somehow having Heero at the start and not at the finish felt too weird to name. And having Heero finish without me made me feel weird, too. Not quite betrayed, but something close to it.

The humor in Heero's eyes dimmed. "No. It wouldn't feel right, somehow. I want to come with you."

He was so sincere it made me blush. My eyes dropped to the floor, and I turned back to the cabinet, then grabbed a fork. "Okay, then."

"I take it you felt the same."

I didn't answer.

The eggs were scrambled, and beside them were sausage links. I grabbed two of them, as well, and sat next to Heero. "Bored much?" I asked, indicating the food.

"It's not like I have to get ready for work." Heero scowled at that and thank goodness, but the damn topic shifted. "You were talking about your meeting with Zechs earlier. What happened with him?"

"Oh, yeah, __now__ you care." I scoffed and sat down and scarfed down the first few bites of eggs. "He didn't tell me anything useful, of course, the cheap fuck, but he did get in my face about you."

Heero paused in the act of eating. "What do you mean?"

"Calm down, mother-hen," I said, waving a hand in dismissal. "He just said he wanted you on his team, but he didn't want me in a ten-mile radius of him or Femorel. He said if you joined him, he'd give you info on Femorel."

"On the stipulation that you don't come with me."

I shrugged. "Pretty much."

Heero seemed less than pleased with this. The reaction made me happy somehow – vindictively, because, ha, suck on that, asscracker – but also with that warm-fuzzy feel, that feeling that Heero would never abandon me like that.

Wow. That sounded so cheesy.

"Like __hell__ ," he said finally, and his voice was like a feral hiss.

"Okay. Yeah. That's pretty much what I'd told him you'd say."

Heero seemed surprised by this. He put his fork down and leaned into the table. "You told him I wouldn't want to join him?"

"Actually, I told him we five would take care of Femorel, and that he could sit on his ass twiddling his thumbs for all we cared." The look Heero was giving me was a little odd. "What?"

"Nothing." Heero shook his head and looked back down to his food, but he didn't continue eating. "You just didn't use to have this sort of confidence in us."

I blushed. He was right, of course; I'd been the one to constantly double-guess our... relationship. "Yeah, well... shut up."

He chuckled, and with that, his shoulders untensed. "What else did he say to you?"

It would probably be better to tell him. Especially since I was hiding what I'd done all last night. Still, we needed Une on our side, dammit, and Heero getting in her face about taking me out on the field wouldn't be good. "Well, he kind've told me that I should break up with you because I would get you killed. Jesus, Heero, sit down."

Heero had stood like quicksilver, almost making his chair fall to the floor It banged back onto all fours rather loudly. His hands were fists on the table, and he looked dangerously close to ignoring his earlier promise to behave. "He told you to..." His eyes were cold, completely Perfect Soldier. "I'll kill him."

"Now, now, Heero. I'm obviously not listening to that two-bit-"

"I had to fight like hell to keep you with me!" Heero roared, and his fist slammed on the table. The wood shook; I think the only reason it didn't break was because Heero had enough control to keep it from happening. "Every day, I feared you would run, would disappear and leave me behind again. And now, after all that, he told you to...!"

Ah.

I picked off a piece of scrambled egg, put it on my fork, and slingshot it toward his face. He caught it, then blinked down at me, his surprise and confusion getting rid of that damn soldier look. "Yuy, I don't give two rat's asses about that bastard, and yeah, you've worked your ass off to keep me here. What the fuck makes you think you'll actually lose to that milkshake?"

Heero popped the little piece of egg in his mouth and smiled. His fist loosened, and again the man sat. "You're right. He never did beat me, did he?"

I laughed. "And you're so modest!"

"Damn straight." His grin flittered on the edges of a smirk. He started eating again. "Anything else?"

"Yes. Une is a sadist, and I hate idiots."

"Sounds familiar."

"Thought I'd emphasize."

The rest of the breakfast was spent talking about more fun things, mostly Heero's unending boredom and my more creative ideas on what he could be doing. Heero pointed out how late it was getting after I told him to see how many items in the fridge he could stack on top of each other.

I kissed him quickly on the lips, whispered "I'll be fine" into his mouth, and headed out.

And swore to myself that I would get something out of Zechs Merquise if it was the last thing I did.

* * *

I got the chance after I told my six recruits to take a five minute break. I sipped from a water bottle and watched Zechs move past the door. I chased after him and, when he turned to me, splashed him with the water.

"By the way," I said, watching with relish as he shook droplets from his hands and glared at me, "Treize and Oz are fucking dead, and your mistake is forcing us into a shit position. Your superiority complex may make this difficult for you to comprehend, but you fucked up, and now we have to deal with the consequences. If you don't feel like helping, that's fine – just know that we have no intention of losing. No matter what."

Zechs pushed his wet bangs from his eyes. "You and your friends, then, plan on breaking the law."

"Maybe not them. But if we're put in danger, I won't have any problem doing whatever I have to. I don't give a fuck what the consequences are, so long as we make it out safe."

Zechs seemed unimpressed. "And you tell me this after throwing water on me why?"

"Because I needed to get your attention, and I don't fucking like you." I crushed the bottle and threw it at him. He caught it, but the few drops left inside splashed onto his face. Ha. And his uniform was soaked. Brilliant.

"You got it."

"You want Heero on your team? __You__ don't have the right to ask for anything. __You're__ the one who fuck up majorly. And yeah, we're good enough that we don't absolutely need whatever information you could give us, but we could sure as hell use it. And what the fuck makes you think that Heero was out there on those battlefields fighting alone? Yeah, he was the one who kept beating your stupid ass, but we were there, too, and we fought like hell for every second of this peace. We deserve it. We __earned__ it. And __you're__ mistake is taking it from us! It's beyond unforgivable!"

Zechs squeezed out the water from his hair as I spoke. "Well, thank you for that well organized soliloquy. Are you finished?"

"Yeah, I guess I'm about done. Lemme guess – you ain't gonna say word one, are you?" I felt almost flushed by my anger, and dammit, but the street slang was coming back. "You're gonna piss out on us again. You might as well still be an enemy – a fucking Oz bitch."

Zechs eyes narrowed at that. "You should be more careful with your words. Wasn't that what always got you into trouble?"

"And wasn't your pride what always got your ass stuck in shit?" I sneered. This wasn't working. I wasn't going to get anything from him. And my men were coming back, lining up like high school kids, preparing for the fight that our stances said was inevitable. I wasn't going to get any information from him, not if I won and certainly not if I lost. Worse, Heero's conviction to not fight Zechs – and my subsequent decision to back up said choice with my own – would be toast. If I came back with more bruises from Zechs, no matter the outcome, I had no doubt that Heero would put a bullet through Zechs' spleen.

"My pride?" Zechs countered. "It's simply fact that I'm a better fighter than you."

I saw fucking __red__. "Maybe. Maybe, in a one-on-one duel, no dirt, no stealth, all honor-bound bullshit, yeah, you might win. But in a real battle situation, I'd kill you before you knew I was in the room."

"You underestimate me." Zechs pulled off his damp shirt, and his pale chest was left open to the public. I refused to look down, to give him the opening to jump on my shit about eyeing his chest for a moment, even if it was just to gauge his muscle strength or where to stab him.

"Isn't that what you've been doing with us all this time? You think without you, we couldn't possibly pull this off. You think the only one of us who can fight is Heero?" A cruel thought entered my mind, and without thinking it through whatsoever, I let it fly. "Did you forget that your precious Treize was killed by our dear Wufei?"

And those eyes narrowed again, and suddenly the fight __was__ inevitable. "No. I very well recall."

And then Une and Wufei showed up.

They walked side by side toward us, neither one seemingly perturbed by our battle-ready positions or the fact that neither of us turned our full attention to them. Our eyes were trained on each other.

"I believe you owe these two explanations," Une said, walking straight in-between the two of us. Wufei stayed back, gauging, I would bet, the tension. He moved to stand beside me and crossed his arms imperiously. Neither of us moved from our stances, but I, at least, made seven new plans in order to bypass Une if a fight began. "And I deserve one, as well. Hiding something like this is inexcusable."

I turned to Wufei then, still keeping myself ready to dodge if necessary. "You told her?"

"She's my boss." He shrugged, but I knew damn well he'd planned it to work this way.

"You didn't get rid of them?" she asked, and her voice held enough authority that my trainees decided to go somewhere else without anyone even looking at them. Hm. They might be a bit smarter than I'd thought. "Why? Mr. Treize gave you explicit instructions."

"He also gave a stipulation to the order," Zechs gritted out, and his eyes shot over to us. "I do not have any obligations to them. If you wish to know more, I would speak privately."

"And I would speak here." Une's voice sounded ten seconds away from going Sadistic Psycho on his ass. Zechs' hair dripped.

"Then I'm afraid I will not speak to you."

I think all of us stilled a bit in shock.

And with that, Zechs walked off again.

Une's lips thinned. "If the two of you need help, you will have it from me. Meanwhile, I will speak to him. I will contact you later."

"He'll see that coming," Wufei said quietly.

"I'll contact you later," she repeated, and followed after Zechs. She was a woman on a mission.

"Thank you, Wufei." But when I turned to him, he wasn't angry, like I'd expected. Instead, he was smiling.

"Did you know we could hear you? Une wasn't happy with your reference to Treize, but..." And to my utter shock, he lifted his hand and clapped me on the shoulder. "Thank you, my friend."

I blinked. "Um, for what, exactly?"

But Wufei simply shook his head. "Sometimes it still surprises me, what you're like. Only you could honor me and not even realize it."

Honor him? "Uh... okay? You're welcome?"

And he chuckled and walked off.

Okay, what the fuck?

* * *

Wufei met me in my office again at the end of the day. "Tonight we plan, and tomorrow we attack," Wufei said as greeting.

I was in the process of turning off my computer. "Yup. All hell breaks loose come fourteen hours. I'm worried, somehow. I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe it's just because we're walking in blind."

"Perhaps. I would like to visit Une before we leave."

My monitor went black, and I stood. "I was about to say the same thing. Hold on one second – I need to call Heero."

"Ever the worrier," Wufei joked, and waited by the door as I speed-dialed Heero with my cell phone.

"Heero."

"Do you always have to answer the phone like that? Why not say something like, 'welcome, you've called the Hot Hunk Hotline, my name is Heero; what can I do for you'?"

Heero laughed. "Because only you could pull that off."

"I don't know. You have a killer voice." Wufei rolled his eyes.

"What is it, Duo? Will you be late again?"

"Yeah. Wufei told Une, and she's most likely been on Zechs' ass since." I looked over to Hannibal Lector and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Wufei told Une?" Heero's voice was tense.

"Yeah. I stand by his decision. Zechs certainly wasn't talking to us. And Une offered her help."

"It was a gamble." But Heero sighed. "If it works, though, I have no problem with it. Take however long you need, but if Une tries to keep you tonight, too, tell her I said you aren't to be held up."

"You actually want me to tell Une to fuck off?" I grinned at the thought of it – then frowned. That wouldn't be very safe of me.

"I would prefer you to not use those exact words, no." I could hear Heero's grin through the phone. "How about you just go, talk to her, and come home? Maybe we could finish where we started off this morning."

His voice had dropped to a deep, husky note. "Man," I breathed, "and you don't think you could be a phone sex operator?"

He laughed again. "Only if it's you on the other end. Come back quick so I can touch you."

I blushed and looked guiltily toward Wufei. The man seemed inordinately interested in my posters, and an unmistakable blush colored his cheeks, as well. "Uh, yeah. You convinced me."

"Glad to hear it," Heero said, chuckling as he spoke. And with a "see you soon," we both hung up.

* * *

* * *

Une was waiting in her office, Zechs nowhere in sight. I was thankful for this, since he and I couldn't go a full minute without envisioning several ways in which the other could die. "Gentlemen." Une greeted us as we entered. Wufei went to sit in one of her chairs while I kind've hesitated in the doorway; I'd been the one to start a fight in her building, after all. She could be preparing my eminent demise.

"Commander," Wufei said, his hands neatly pressed to his lap. "Do you have anything for us?"

The woman leaned forward, placing her elbows onto the surface and steepling her fingers. "Zechs told me nothing new, but I can at least tell you what I already know."

Oh, goody. The fun part. "That would be fantastic."

"Only, however," she said, and of course there had to be a damn stipulation to this, "if you tell me everything that's going on. I received the basics from Agent Chang." She nodded shortly to Wufei and then turned to glare at me. "How about informing me of the rest?"

"Okay, why is this suddenly all my fault?" I asked, throwing my hands in the air in a gesture of surrender.

"What do you mean, 'suddenly,' Maxwell? Everything's always your fault." I glared at Wufei's smirk.

"So we all got cloned by the gods of pestilence and now, since we've had the psychos after us – or at least two of 'em, and one's not far from it – then of course we've gotta be the ones to stop the other two, and some Femorel place just happens to be housing at least one of 'em and they're picking a fight with us."

Une blinked. Then she turned to Wufei. "Could you translate that, please?"

"Femorel has, as Maxwell said, one of the clones created by one of our scientists. Those who trained us." Une nodded, a sign that she understood so far. I pouted. Bastards. 'Translate,' indeed. "They have made threats to our safety and, though we don't know for certain what their plans may be, we know they're after something."

"Thank you, Agent Chang." Une sent me a droll look. I stuck my tongue out at her. "You boys' habit of keeping your problems a secret from me is a serious problem."

"We're used to dealing with things on our own," I said. "And we could still handle it – if we were allowed to capture and torture that long-haired..." I stopped at the looks Une and Wufei were sending me. "What? It's true."

Une put a hand to her forehead and rubbed. "Be that as it may. From now on, try telling me what's happening!"

"Deal," I said. "And now for that information...?"

She shot me a withering glare from underneath that hand of hers. "We all had our parts to play after the war," she said finally, but she was looking at Wufei again. "Lord Treize was supposed to take on the sins of war, Zechs the burden of war, and me the devastation of war."

I rose an eyebrow at that one. "Sounds far too poetic to me."

Another glare, this time from both of them. I held my hands up in surrender again. I had forgotten; Wufei had loved Treize. "My bad."

"Yes, it is. Remember that, would you?" I blew a raspberry at the woman. She sighed. "And to think you're in my S-Class..." But she shook her head, ignored me once more, and continued. "Lord Treize took his responsibility in the form of his death, and I in the form of this Headquarters and its neighboring facilities. Zechs was supposed to take over White Fang and create as much devastation as possible."

"He sure did that," I muttered, cutting in once more. But though all it did was garner another pair of stares, I saw Une and Wufei both relax a bit. The talk about Treize's death wasn't easy for them. I walked over and threw an arm over Wufei's shoulder. "Aw, c'mon, 'Fei. Don't be so mean."

"Maxwell. Off." Wufei glared out from the side of his eye, and though he was tensing a bit, it was due to the fight he and I were about to start.

"Meanie." I ignored his complaint and turned back to Une. "Yeah? So how'd the bastard fuck up?"

The woman seemed momentarily confused by my apparent masochism, but she finally got that throat of hers working again. "We sent him alone to White Fang, but we kept initial contact. Zechs informed us of a group of men who'd worked closely with you boys' trainers. The scientists."

Okay. I straightened. This was where the juicy stuff entered. I kept my arm around Wufei, though, even as I saw his eye twitch.

"These men ended up finding the weakness of the Libra, which led to Zechs' decision to destroy the Earth, something that you all stopped, of course." I decided not to interrupt this time, something that only gained me a cocked eyebrow for my trouble. "He was supposed to simply get rid of everything, or else give me the information for me to clean up. Obviously he didn't."

"Obviously."

Wufei looked over at me and I could see his patience with me was at an end; I got off him and laughed. Something flickered in those dark eyes of his. He kept his eyes on me as he addressed Une. "Do you have anything else?"

"Yes, two things. One: those men Zechs found weren't just science assistants. He said they seemed to understand battles. To him, understanding a battle means both mental and physical preparation, so they're good with both strategies and physical combat. And two: Zechs will not be willing to share this burden with you."

"We didn't ask him to," I said, and backed carefully away from Wufei. That flickering something was hardening. "May I leave, please?"

I could hear the smirk on her face, the one I could just barely see from the corner of my eye. "Yes, Agent Maxwell. You may run for your life now."

Great. I did as instructed and beat a retreat. Wufei did that stupid bowing thing that saved me a few seconds. I didn't really run, okay? I even stopped outside the entrance, you know, because he was my friend and eventually we would be seeing each other again. I just wanted to be able to run if necessary.

What? Personally I think I'd undergone enough abuse for one week.

But when Wufei exited, he seemed perfectly calm, if a bit troubled. His gait was even, his hands lying by his sides. He caught sight of me immediately and stopped. I watched those eyes, but there was no intent to harm and I relaxed. "Hi, 'Fei."

I blinked. Did Wufei just bite his lip? "I'm not angry with you, Maxwell."

"If I thought you were, I'd be hightailin' it." I pointed behind me, then shoved my thumbs in my pockets and rocked back. "You good?"

Wufei smiled then and nodded. "Yes, Maxwell. I am 'good.'"

"Good." He did seem to be all right, or at least I couldn't see any blatant not-all-right-ness. We started off to our cars, parked close to the building thanks to our illustrious positions in Preventors. "So. Some of the Gods of Pestilence's little demon friends."

Wufei rolled his eyes. And smiled. "Yes, I suppose. What would you call those, Maxwell?"

I shrugged. "I guess... Oneiroi."

Wufei stopped and turned to me. "What?"

"Those were assistants of Morpheus, you know?" I stopped, too, even though my car was just across the driveway. "They were underlings, just, you know, for the God of Dreams. Not Pestilence." I frowned. "That's probably not a good name, though, because I like dreams-"

"Maxwell, how do you know about that?"

I rolled my eyes. "I like mythology. It's fun." I ignored the man and crossed to my car. "And just for you to know, I knew about this stuff for forever. As soon as I learned that Sister Helen's God wasn't the only one, I wanted to know about the others, to see what made Sister Helen's so special." I waved and unlocked my car.

Wufei moved to his own car. "Maxwell, you will only continue to surprise me."

"Hey, 'Fei! That's my job!" I grinned and pulled the door open, turning to shine my smile on him. "I'm supposed to surprise people, remember..." My voice dwindled as Wufei reached for the handle on his door. Under Wufei's car, in the darkness of the shadow, a tiny red light was blinking. "'Fei!" I screamed, already running.

Wufei was already turned to me and froze, waiting for me to tell him of the danger.

"Bomb!" I shouted, and grabbed his free hand. He was already letting go of the door, and as soon as he was free, I pulled him away, back to the middle of the drive, away from the car as quickly as I could.

And an explosion threw us both to the ground.

* * *

I felt fire.

It was cataloged before I understood how I knew, and with it a count of injuries – the back of my head; possible concussion. Back. Arms. Hands.

Shit. My hands were hurting.

That would make it difficult to handle my gun.

I reached for it, felt a slight shifting in my head as my fingers encountered a holster. Holster? Shouldn't it be hidden? But I pulled it out and shifted my attention elsewhere, already knowing no hostiles were nearby. For the first time, I recognized a weight covering me. Debris? But it was moving. Breathing.

My mind snapped back together then. Wufei. The bomb.

Wufei.

I dropped my gun then and reached for him, opening my eyes. There certainly was fire; a veritable plume of smoke filled the air. I could see flames all around me. Pieces of Wufei's car were by my left, above me. Everywhere, and they were on fire, a couple starting to only smolder. It almost seemed like too much, like it was more than it should have been. Everything was fuzzy, though. My ears were ringing still.

Wufei groaned.

"'Fei! 'Fei, answer me if you can!" I focused my damn attention and gasped. Wufei's back was on fire. I put it out with my hands, not having much else. Thank God it was only a tiny flame. It hadn't had the time to grow. A spark fire, then. I looked Wufei over then, touching his head and his neck. Nothing. He'd landed on top of me, his head on my chest. My head, I could tell, had hit the driveway. I was probably bleeding.

Wufei's leg and arm had shrapnel in them, the one in the leg worse than the one in his arm. The bleeding was fairly minor, and would be until the things were taken out. They didn't hit anything vital. Fairly minor. Good.

But then why wasn't he waking up?

"Maxwell."

I let out a shuddering breath. "Jesus, 'Fei, you scared the shit outta me."

He grunted and tried to get up. And hissed as he moved his arm and leg.

"Careful," I said, though it was a little late for that. "Your right arm and left leg have been punctured, and your back's received burns." Best not to tell him he'd been lit like a candle. One I'd sacrificed the safety of my hands for.

"And you?"

"Haven't checked yet." I did now, crossing over the inventory I'd initially made. Wufei tried to get up as I did so; I grabbed his waist and pushed him up. My left arm hurt, though not horrifically; probably another piece of shrapnel. My head felt like it'd been cracked open, and my vision was just blurry enough to get me worried. My back felt like I'd jumped out of a car. There was a different kind of burn to worry about, then.

For the most part, though, I'd say we'd gotten insanely lucky.

"Maxwell."

Wufei's voice sounded much more afraid now than before. I reached for my gun again, this time grabbing it up from the ground. "What is it, 'Fei?"

"You're bleeding. Badly." And Wufei made to touch my head.

"No. No touchie." I shooed his hand away with my good arm and felt a pain in my palms. Good. Pain meant no nerve damage. I wondered if the worst of the pain was from trying to catch my fall or trying to save Wufei. "Enemies?"

But Wufei didn't have his weapon in his hand and he was shouting to the left of me. I turned my gaze without moving my head. I couldn't see anything but smoke, but Wufei didn't change his gaze. We were right outside of Preventors, I remembered very, very belatedly. It wouldn't be likely that a car bomb would go unchecked.

I sighed. That was good, then. Of course, one could question how car bombs were put on said cars when they were just outside of the Preventor building, but hey. Beggars can't be choosers.

"'Fei."

Wufei turned back to me immediately. If I'd needed to know just how bad it looked, he'd just answered the question. "What is it, Maxwell?"

"You guys definitely need trainers like me, huh?"

Wufei blinked. "What?"

It made me chuckle, though the vibration of my head against the ground hurt like a son of a bitch. "We're right out here and we got bombed. Stupid bastards."

Wufei choked out a surprised laugh. "Maxwell, even now..." He shook his head. "I need to move you."

I frowned, but it was true. If we stayed and the gas tanks blew – which they couldn't have, since we were still alive – we would be cooked. "Fine."

I whined piteously when Wufei pulled my head up, and though I tried to help – really I did – the world just kind've spun and I found my feet unwilling to support me. Wufei didn't complain, though, only pulling my arm over his shoulders and hoisting me up and hobbling away. We entered the smoke, and then there was someone on my other side. I made to pull away, to raise my gun, but Wufei shouted "ally!" and I let the person take my gun from me and haul me up on my other side.

The world seemed to fuzz into gray, and I knew unconsciousness couldn't be far behind. Why the fuck was I the one more injured, here? I think I asked that, but I couldn't tell if I got a response from anyone. The world swung to black.

* * *

It didn't take me long to wake up again, but the doctors didn't seem pleased with my progress. I heard them shout for something and sighed. "I'll go," I mumbled, and let myself slip down into black again. If I didn't have to be awake yet, I didn't want to be, anyway.

* * *

This time when I woke up, the doctors were gone from my immediate vision. My head was throbbing with my heartbeat, a sweet, loud little thrum. I recognized the heart monitor and the dripping of the IV unit. Yay. The hospital again. Maybe one of my old nurses would be checking on me again. They should put a name plate on one of these beds for me.

"Duo!"

"Yuy, stop shouting!"

I turned my head to the side and looked out the door. I couldn't see anything but the wall, but it wouldn't be long now. Certainly I could call out to him, but why spoil all the fun?

It really didn't take much time at all. Heero was coming through the door, effectively ruining any plans of surprise when it came to his recovery, and his eyes went straight to me, ignoring Wufei's attempts at calming him. He ran straight to my bed. "Duo!"

"Hey, Heero." I grinned at him, then at Wufei. He looked so put-out. "Hey, 'Fei. How are you?"

"Second-degree burns, two puncture wounds." He shrugged and leaned against the jamb of the door. "I believe I fared rather well. You have a concussion and four stitches in the back of your skull, along with minor burns and lacerations along your extremities. Our cars are totaled."

I scowled. "Both of them?"

"They both blew."

I blinked at that one, then turned to Heero. He looked like he'd seen better days, too. That crazy hair of his was askew. Idiot. I reached up and grabbed a lock of it. "Yuy, what happened to you staying in the house?"

"What the hell happened to 'see you soon'?" He was already touching, running a hand through my bangs, down my cheek, across my shoulder. "How's your eyesight? Your hearing?"

I took stock, but I was already sure. "I'm fine. Heero, you're trembling."

"Of course I am, you idiot!" But Heero took a deep breath and sighed it out. Wufei seemed content to simply watch, his eyes somehow soft as he gazed on us. "I got the call from Une, but she told me to damn well wait, that she would get in touch with me, that I shouldn't rush out..." He grit his teeth. "I waited two full damn hours, so don't you talk to me about staying in the house or trembling or anything else."

Two full hours? It was a record. I let go of his hair then and turned to Wufei. "So what're we gonna do? It's Friday. We're supposed to go after Femorel tomorrow. And it's not like we can wait now."

"No. The attack probably means they're after us." Wufei pushed himself up off the door and came to stand by us. Heero's hands slid to mine and clasped until our fingers were intertwined. "We have to do something before they come at us again."

I nodded, then sat up. Heero grabbed my shoulders as my heart monitor jumped. "Quatre? Trowa? Has anything happened to them?"

"Does anything ever happen to them?" Wufei asked, and my surprise gave Heero the edge needed to get me flat on the bed again. "They're fine, Maxwell. And you will be, too, so Yuy can stop babying you. You'll be dizzy, and your balance will be off. You're out of the fight tomorrow."

"What?" I tried to get up again, but Heero was having nothing of it. I glared at him. "You can't." I glared at Wufei. "You can't! You're going to do this shit on your own?"

Then I saw it. Something dangerous in their eyes, something they knew I didn't want to hear. I felt something curl in my gut, something that made that damn heart monitor jump again. They shared a look – that old partners look. I watched it with narrowed eyes. Heero was saying he should say it. Wufei was giving some sort of warning. Heero lifted his chin slightly, but I couldn't tell if it was acknowledgment or something else.

"Spit it out, you two."

They both turned back to me, but Heero was the one with the determination in his jaw. "Duo... I had Wufei contact Zechs."

Oh.

__Oh._ _

Oh, __hell__ , no.

I shook my head. "Heero, tell me you didn't."

"We'll be meeting up with him at 0800 tomorrow. Greaves will be keeping up with us, but he'll stay in the shadows."

"Heero, you can't be serious."

But those eyes of his weren't flinching. "Duo. We need all the help we can get. And since you can't come with us-"

"No. No, Heero! You can't – with that motherfu-"

"Maxwell, stay down." Wufei leaned onto the bed and pushed me down again. I shoved against his hand, but Wufei hadn't been kidding about the dizziness or the balance, and I couldn't help but fall back again. I struggled to keep my eyes on Heero. "Maxwell. Look at me."

"Duo, I need to make sure this is taken care of. I need all the manpower I can get." I couldn't believe Heero was saying the words. Those lips of his were moving, but my brain was stuck. My vision spun.

"Heero, that man wants to fight you. All he wants to do is fight you!"

"But I trust his desire to stop Femorel." Those lips were firm. Those eyes were hard. He truly was going to do this.

I couldn't speak.

"Maxwell, it's only for this battle." Wufei seemed to want to get in-between us, to break off the betrayed stare I was giving Heero. Neither of us moved. Heero wasn't backing down – I couldn't even see any remorse. The bastard thought he was making the right decision.

Logically... militarily... he was.

But right now, this wasn't about tactics.

"Heero, you know he'll fight you, don't you? After everything's over, he'll want to fight you."

"I'll deal with that when it comes." The bastard jumped on my argument like he'd been waiting for it. So he'd considered Zechs attacking him afterward? Had he considered how injured he may be then? Did he consider how __I__ would feel, pathetically helpless, waiting at the house, twiddling my damn thumbs, doing __nothing__? How dare he.

"Maxwell-"

"Wufei, you can't be for this!" I turned to him, desperate for someone to start making sense.

"Maxwell." And I saw in his eyes the last shred of hope in me die. "I'm the one who insisted."

* * *

* * *

None of use said anything as I was led back to the house, all of us cramming into Heero's car and me practically being dragged into the building. They were infinitely gentle as they placed me on the couch, each asking me if I was all right. I nodded, and then the conversation was gone once more.

Greaves was there, coming out from the kitchen and watching me glare at the floor. The carpet, a normal, boring beige, did not distract me from my thoughts, nor did it distract me from Wufei and Heero's silent conversation. There were a few things from the whole Harlow thing that I could look back at and smile. That was not one of them.

Logically. Logically, Heero's and Wufei's decision made complete sense. Join the potential ally, especially when you know all of the risks and have already accounted for them.

I think half of my problem was how damn logical it was.

It was late; the sun had been just an orange dot between the houses when I'd been brought in. Heero was going back to the kitchen and stopped to murmur something to Greaves, carefully keeping his lips from my eyesight. It annoyed me enough to make me send a half-hearted glare at his back. Greaves caught it and grinned.

Wufei got me to lean back, though I rolled my eyes at the pampering. He grabbed the sofa pillows and billowed them all behind my head and demanded I close my eyes and rest, since I shouldn't have left the hospital until the morning at earliest. I'd at least been able to let them know my opinion on that subject – you know, in my usual fashion. By flipping them the bird and ripping the IV out.

Then Wufei was leaving for the kitchen – for Heero, for another damn one-on-one session – and Greaves and I were left alone.

"Were you a part of this?" I asked, not bothering to open my eyes or sit up or express even the slightest bit of my fury. It was probably all in my voice, anyway.

"No."

I did turn my gaze to him then. He was staring down at me with no inflection on his face whatsoever. I quirked him a grin. "Hatched it up on their own, huh?"

"Your friends are strange." He looked over to the kitchen, to where I could hear a pot clink onto the stove. Someone turned on the water. "I believe they want to protect you, but they have such strange ways of doing it."

"Fucking mother hens," I muttered, then closed my eyes and sat up. The world really did spin, and I almost toppled back. Greaves gave me a hand and wisely kept silent until my struggle was over. "They're going out with that rat bastard. They're deliberately making the hit a thousand times harder by relying on that man."

"I'm certain they've already considered the possibility of betrayal," Greaves said, most likely trying to make me feel better. He failed. "Besides. If something does happen, I will be there."

Now that one __did__ work. A little.

I held my head steady then as the world tilted and turned to pixels in my vision. A tiny little part of me – like my stomach – roiled with nausea. Gods, head injuries sucked. "Just try to keep the dumbasses alive, would ya?"

I couldn't tell, what with the world pulling in and out like a camera with a broken focus, but I thought Greaves could be smirking. "Of course."

I smelled Hamburger Helper. My stomach growled. "Listen, Greaves. In all seriousness."

"Yes?"

I clutched at something in me and glared through the fuzziness to latch my gaze onto the man's face. "I want to ask you to do something for me."

* * *

Heero gave me a communication link before he left.

Wufei stayed over, and the two took shifts while I slept through the worst of my injury and to hell with the whole 'concussion' thing. I woke up in the morning with no problem, therefore giving them all the reassurance they needed that they could head on out. Quatre and Trowa arrived before dawn, and they all talked for a bit about what they would do. They got onto Heero's laptop and looked at the information on the main building Femorel owned. Zechs came at seven and stayed downstairs. Greaves was out of sight.

And then Heero came over to me. Neither of us said anything, but he pushed my bangs from my face and I grabbed his outstretched hand and we looked at each other and we understood what we were saying. He was telling me he would return. I was telling him I loved him despite how much of an ass I thought he was being. Unsmiling, we parted, the communication link safely transferred to my hand.

I put the thing on and struggled up from the couch I'd slept on last night.

Computer.

If I was going to be trapped in the damn house while my friends – and the fucker – risked their lives, then I would damn well do what I could from here. And that meant getting to the computer.

Okay, so as a street rat and as a Gundam pilot, I am well versed in the language of pain. I understand it. That doesn't mean suddenly I can walk straight when the world's at a forty-five degree angle. So I earned a few more experiences with my old friend pain on my journey to Heero's laptop.

And after all this, when Heero found me on his computer, I would probably earn a few more.

They were heading out on a two-hour drive and were passing the time with plans, back-up plans, and back-up plans for the back-up plans. Quatre was leading the conversation, going over the strategies for chances of failure. I listened with half an ear as I turned on Heero's computer.

I keyed in his password, one long-memorized from our days in the war – he'd never changed it, the twit, but probably because he'd never learned that I'd broken in – and clicked straight into the files Heero had already found. The screen was already giving me a headache, and the words were small and dancing and hard to make out, but I narrowed my eyes and focused. I had two hours to reread all of the information. Maybe if I could at least look at the blueprints or find cameras or something, I could at least provide support.

Damn, I hated waiting on the sidelines.

By the time I heard them start to move into position – Heero and Zechs alone in the back, probably because Zechs wasn't happy that Heero had found a loophole in his demand to have the two of us separated – and the other three moving to their own separate places, I had a little hacked security grid on Heero's screen. Quatre murmured a quiet, "in position," and it made me stop and think for a second. Poor Une had to have made Trowa and Quatre honorary members of Preventors or something. Was there a such thing as honorary members? Well, in any case, it had to be a special case for her to continue allowing us to move with them when they had no affiliation with the justice department.

Then they were all moving in, busting in at once, Wufei taking the approach I would've taken, up through the maze of ventilation ducts and garbage dumps. Wufei wasn't the best for the job, but the group had needed to make a quick change, and Trowa, though acrobatic, would be too big. Wufei was puny enough to get through. If it weren't necessary to be quiet, I would tease him for it.

I heard guns through the link then and had to hold my breath. Heero was fighting now. He was fighting and I was uselessly hanging onto his desk for dear life while the world tilted. I glared at the screen. Cameras were showing Heero and Zechs, both standing right next to one another, unwilling to show the other their back, and they were the ones taking fire. Quatre and Trowa were heading inside, temporarily out of range of the cameras. Three men were heading to them to check the other doors.

I turned on my speaker. "Qat. Tro. Three on your one."

There was a gasp or two, then, "I see you do not know how to stay away, Agent Maxwell."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, voice sweet. "I'm no where near Heero right now. You are, though. And the two of you should grab cover. Another five, but then the place looks clear. I'm trying to find more visuals."

"Duo," Heero said then, even as they did as I said, "are you on my laptop?"

"Who, me? Didn't you know I had an ethernet jack up my ass? I'm a walking, talking computer!" There weren't many other damn cameras to find, but I did find an audio console and dipped into that. A tinny voice was sending out commands, and I listened in.

"Idiot," Wufei said.

"There are only three floors," Quatre muttered. "They'll be coming at us for real as soon as we try to go up."

"They're already coming after you," I said, still listening. A leaden monster was crawling up my throat. "They're sending out the predecessor."

"Already," Heero said, and someone snorted. I didn't recognize it, so it was probably Zechs.

"Only one?" Zechs asked.

We were all silent for a time then. Only one? That meant they had more. Both really were there. That meant serious danger.

"Direct the domino," the audio transmitter declared randomly, the voice carrying a slight lisp. I struggled to follow Trowa's and Quatre's progress up the stairs. The cameras were old, filmy, practically useless. Yet the place was supposedly high-tech as shit. That meant something. I needed to figure out __what__ it meant.

Damn, my head was pounding like shit.

"We have a lure. Repeat, we have a lure."

"Drop the line."

The fishing references were coming from the audio now, and I focused on that as colors scattered and bled together. I put my forehead on the cool desk and panted. Shit.

"Drag him down. They seem to be engaging on the first and second."

"Stop them from coming up!"

There were moving pictures, signals. And the damn messages... I slammed a hand on the desk and glared at the screen, the pain granting me some clarity. Quatre and Trowa were engaged with a red-haired guy, Heero and Zechs a man with a limp green couldn't see much more about them than their hair.

"Wufei, they're hiding something up there, and they're planning something. Laying bait for... something." I ground my teeth together, then bit down on my left hand. More pain, thank goodness, and I was replaying the enemies' words. Through the screen, I saw Trowa duck around a bend in the wall, beyond which only a piece of his hair could be seen from a separate camera. He was reloading. Quatre grabbed his shoulder and stumbled.

I leaned forward on the desk and snarled. "Quatre."

Heero and Zechs were faring much better, really, though they both seemed about ready to pull their guns on one another. Zechs' hair took over the better part of the security camera's lens as he turned and ducked in one quick ballet-type move, firing. The enemy leaped off the wall and went for Heero, who backed up and dodged, firing himself.

The visuals sucked! I felt like I was in the damn 21st century or something, struggling with snapshot cameras. Why did they suck so bad? Weren't these guys super-scientists or something? I watched Grainy Heero reload as Zechs took over the battle and gasped as it just __clicked__.

They'd known.

"Is it ready?"

"Yes. The shark has taken the bait."

The phone rang.

I gasped again and turned, jumping slightly. "Then bring him here," the audio continued, and something shivered up my spine. Something felt very wrong. Heero shouted that he was ready and I saw Zechs start reloading as Heero shouted something and fired. Quatre shouted to Trowa, Trowa yelled Quatre's name, and suddenly the earpiece squealed in my ear. I winced and instinctively ducked, throwing my balance off. I landed on the floor.

The house phone kept ringing.

I got up by biting my lip and just pushing myself up, and then I staggered my way down the stairs, using the banister as a lifeline until I was on the bottom floor and pushed my way to the living room phone. "Hello?" I gasped. Some monster was clawing underneath my skull.

"Mr. Maxwell?"

I turned the speaker off as dread washed through me. I heard Zechs mutter something unintelligible, and then Heero cried out. Something inside me staggered.

"Mr. Maxwell, are you still there?"

"I-I... yes." I closed my eyes and ran a hand through my bangs. Gun. I needed my gun.

No. Greaves would take care of Heero. He promised.

"You said you wanted to be kept updated?"

Finally I recognized the man's voice. From the mental hospital.

Jesus. Jesus, no way. The lead snake was back in my throat, slithering down to my gut. "Yes," I said, and heard the breathiness in my voice. The poor doctor must be thinking I was having a heart attack.

"Are you all right, Mr. Maxwell?"

"Yes," I said, replying a bit too quickly, and finally just snarled. "What is it, doc?"

"It's Carn. He's escaped."

That lead snake just fucking chomped on my gut and swallowed it whole. A startling sort of clarity broke through the fog and pain. Carn was out. Lure. Line. Shark.

" _ _Then bring him here."__

Heero.

"Which way?" I snapped, already running around, grabbing my gun and old hunting knives, hidden so deep in the closet I had to search by feel. The whole time the bastard was silent.

"Hey! I'm in the Preventors, remember?" Best not to say he wasn't an active agent at the moment. "Now give me directions, information, anything you think pertinent." I rushed to Heero's laptop and glared at the filmy screen. I couldn't see shit now; they were all moving too quickly for me to follow with such poor quality.

So the man gave me info and I snatched my wallet and looked around. I didn't have a ride, but that was okay. Carn might have been heading for Femorel, but he would be heading to me soon enough. I already had a plan.

"Thank you for calling me. You definitely did the right thing." With that, I hung up and turned my speaker on. "Guys, they knew you were coming. Got me? They knew."

"Duo?"

Heero. The bastard heard something in my voice. I watched his grainy self pause. "Don't fucking stand there, dumbass!" I had to rely on Greaves. I had to leave Heero's safety in Greaves' hands and protect my Asian friends. I needed to make sure Carn never got to them. I didn't want Carn eating off the arm of someone important to me.

I had to trust my family to not get killed.

With Zechs there on the line, too, I was hesitant to say anything, but finally I said, "I'll believe in the end," and turned the speaker off again. Heero called for me again, sounding a little panicked. Shit, the man was smart.

Then I was on the computer, hacking through the audio shit and hooking it to the recording device on Heero's computer. I jacked the volume as high as it would go and shouted, "Carnie! Remember me?" I didn't wait for an answer. "I do believe I told you before that I wasn't letting you get out of your little rat cage. So what're ya doing trying to sneak out? And without saying hello to me!"

I slid my sleeves up and hooked my knife holsters to each arm. "Can you hear me, Carnie? D'you wanna come say hi?" I latched my knives into place and holstered my gun at my hip. I could hear something from the other end, but I couldn't make it out. I'd stopped any other audio flow from coming or going, knowing the loss of communication would slow the enemy down a bit. It was all I could do. "Well? Aren't you gonna say hi?"

I felt vaguely sick, knowing what I was goading Carn into doing, but the man who'd freed him had brought a monster into the daylight. As a soldier, I understood the need to kill in order to save. Probably more than most.

I heard the sounds of ripping and tearing then, and a gurgle that told me where Carn had aimed. I had to close my eyes to keep the bile down.

"Japanese."

The man's hiss came through Heero's speakers then, and I could fucking __see__ him in my mind, head shaved and tongue lolling out like a dog's. "That's right," I said, forcing my voice calm and sweet. Mocking. I had to mock this guy. "Do you know where I am?"

"I'll get you. And Japanese. And Arab and China. I want them all. All of it down my throat."

I shivered. "Yeah? That'll be pretty hard, I think. I've hidden them."

The man hissed. "I was told Japanese was there for me."

I snarled. That was the goddamn bait? What the hell had happened at the hospital? The doctor had only mentioned that Carn had found a way to bust open his door. That had obviously not been true. But had the man really just walked out without tearing the building to pieces? I hadn't been able to imagine such a thing. Now I knew why. He had a bigger goal in mind. "Not __my__ Japanese."

"I'll get my meat!" Something splattered onto whatever he was using to communicate. My mind supplied an image of brain matter on a walkie-talkie and I had to breathe through my mouth. "I'll get real food! And them! I will get all who put me in there. Damn fucking drugs!"

"You mean the doctors? They're dead." I thought quick. "I killed them."

The man screeched.

That was it. The man was mine.

"Pissed, little man? Angry that I took it from you? You'll never get what you want, hear me? I'll always be there, one step ahead."

Another inhuman scream, and then the man was silent. I waited, tapping my finger on the desk.

"I know where you are," he said after a time, and another small splat hit the airwaves. "I'll get you. I'll find you. You're mine!"

"I'll be waiting at the park, fucker."

And I signed off and headed out.

* * *

It took him a bit, but considering he'd been in the state over, I wasn't all that surprised. At least it gave me time to scope out the immediate area, to memorize the trees and bushes on the edge of the park grounds. I'd already gotten the place cleared out, too, by authority of the almighty Preventors badge.

I'd listened with frozen lungs through the communication link still in my ear as the others fought, as Wufei made it to the top level and muttered a Chinese curse. Heard Trowa shout in denial and shoot until he ran out of clips. Listened as Zechs called out terse orders. Listened as Heero didn't make any noise at all. Listened to them start to pack it up, calling out orders, and heard Trowa saying something, telling someone to hurry, shouting for the back-up, and then there was noise from everywhere, and I knew Une's men had gone in, which meant that the two predecessors had been dealt with. Wufei started handing out orders then, and I had to tune it out because I couldn't hear Heero.

I was ready when the man came from behind, the only thing giving him away being his body odor. Man hadn't gotten his bath that day, obviously. Had he run half the way? And immediately after I noticed his BO, I smelled blood, and a lot of it. I stared at it and doubted it was from only one person. Jesus.

"You!" He jumped at me, hands extended like claws, and I pulled out my gun. Did the man not have any other weapons? But that would be stupid. He was Qat's predecessor. He had to know how important guns were.

And as I thought, he pulled out a gun and a taser, holding one in each hand. I crouched. Shit. My eyesight was going screwy again, caught by the dancing light of the taser as Carn played with it.

And I was in the park's forest. Where I'd fought Greaves. That was bringing back some bad memories.

Carn began the battle with a snarl and a lunge, one I turned to dodge. The world played a funny little game, but adrenaline kept my focus sharp, and when Carn turned to me I had a knife in my left hand and swung it out. He both jumped away before we got hurt.

Carn's battle stance was unlike any I'd seen, his back slumped and arms hanging like a gorilla. Those dark eyes glittered like space.

"Duo, we're coming out," Wufei said, speaking into the communication link. I wanted to listen. I wanted to hear. But Carn was cartwheeling over to me and I had to blank out Wufei's words to avoid the taser. I pulled out my gun and fired, taking the chance to jump back. The man took the bullet to his right arm like it was a pinprick and grinned.

"Guns, guns, always spoil the meat." The man grinned. "But you aren't good. Too white, pink not yellow." He twirled his gun with his bad arm. "I won't eat you, no, but I want it and you have it."

The man really was thin, tiny, and there was no way that bullet had missed muscle, had even hit the bone. The bastard shouldn't be acting as if he was uninjured. "And Winner has taken two bullets, one to his left collarbone, the other to his right kidney."

I heard Wufei's words. Had I missed Heero's condition? How was he? What was Zechs doing?

No time! I had to just bear with not knowing. I reached up to get rid of the damn earpiece when I heard a random gunshot through the speaker. Wufei yelped. "Merquise, what in hell – stop!"

And another gunshot blared through the speakers.

"You aren't watching me?" And Carn wrenched the earpiece from me and shoved the taser into my gut.

* * *

* * *

I'd never known just how bright things got when a concussion was mixed with an electric shock.

Things got really sparkly and disco-y for a bit. And then they kind've pixelated, and I noticed that there was a sort of soundtrack going with the lights, moving in a sort of counterpoint. I was screaming. And there was laughter, really high-pitched, the kind one could only achieve with wide eyes. And I heard another voice, too, very low, almost swallowed by the crackle-pop of the electricity.

Finally the pain stopped and I fell like a rock to the ground. I curled into my stomach without conscious thought, even as the world tilted and whirled beneath my head, stuck in a dance of its own. I had to move. I knew I had to move.

"You sound Asian," I heard someone say, and the information slammed into my skull enough to have me reel again. Carn. Carn was talking to someone. Someone Asian. Who? My earpiece. He'd taken my earpiece. Wufei had been talking. Carn was talking to Wufei.

Bad. Bad!

I twisted and kicked, aiming for where I'd heard Carn's voice. My body jerked slightly, still reacting to the lightning frying my nerve cells, but I heard something clatter and Carn snarled before I flipped into a bridge position. I could see the green of the trees around us, the bright burst of blue from beyond. I could still hear that tinny voice from far away. Carn was there, a burst of peach and black and gray and white. Monochrome. I had to fight Monochrome Man.

He moved back from me, one arm up by his ear. He was hissing out a laugh, bending up and down over and over again like he was doing squats. "Asian. China. You're the China. Where?"

I ran to him, pulled out my second hunting knife. Where had my first knife gone? My gun? My limbs kept bucking, snapping. How the hell long had that thing been on me? Bastard!

"Yes, he's here. I'm here. What about me?" Carn easily dodged my first strike and laughed at me. I could see a bit more, could see the short little beard growing through neglect, saw those devil eyes watching me.

I had to use this time wisely. He was talking to Wufei through the earpiece, absorbed in the fun of speaking to his prey... or whatever. But when he tired of the game, he would want to start the chase. And I had to be able to stop him.

"No. Americans hard. Fat. Asians are a thousand times better, juicy." And Carn cackled. "You? Yes. You would be good. Tasty, like a baby bird."

Fucking bald bastard! I gritted my teeth. The pain was enough to get my head on straight, at least, and now that the forest was no longer putting on a ballet show, I might actually be able to shank the bastard instead of lodging my knife in a tree.

"Japanese? Do I hear Japanese?"

Oh, God. Heero.

The man grinned like a snake. "Come. Yes. I'll make a dessert for you." And Carn looked at me. "It'll taste great, like cheeks."

The man didn't wait for any more responses, simply crunching the earpiece and tossing it away. I watched his hands as he came slowly back to me. Where the hell had __his__ gun gone?

My stomach jumped and snapped. "Wait a fucking minute," I gasped finally, as adrenaline and fear made my brain jump back into the past – back to a phone call I'd received from Greaves. Hadn't Greaves said Carn had fucking __died?__

I jumped back as Carn charged like a bull, then swerved right and low to keep that taser away from me. I didn't have time to wonder about how Mr. Ate-Himself returned from the grave. Or how a doctor had known he was alive and had called. I had to roll back, scraping my braid along the ground, and hop back from Carn's kick. Carn chased after me, grinning like the goddamn Cheshire Cat.

But seriously, what the fuck?

I ducked under Carn's swing and sliced up with my knife, twisting around and heading behind the man when he countered to slice again at his back, this time getting a good, deep gash. That was definitely real blood I was seeing, and it was most certainly real muscle underneath spasming. Carn turned without a sound of distress and kicked off toward me. I had to use a tree as a shield to evade.

"I heard Japanese. I heard him." I ducked low and turned back toward Carn, but had to jump away as the flash of electricity filled my vision. "He's coming to me."

My breath whooshed out of me then, and I stumbled just enough for Carn to get too close. I caught his left wrist and pushed that taser away from me, but Carn just twisted around and pushed me back with his shoulder. I held on steady to his wrist and fumbled on my footing. He punched me once, twice in the stomach, and this time my breath was gone for real.

I wasn't made for close-quarters battles like Heero and Wufei. My focus was on keeping that damn electricity away from my body. My legs buckled underneath me, and Carn leaned over me as my knees slammed into the dirt and grass. His grin never wavered.

I reached up and bit the man's throat.

With a roar he wrenched back, swinging his arms so wildly I had to bend back and lay down on my lower legs in order to avoid his limbs. I pushed up with my arms and got myself onto my hands, launching backwards in an awkward flip. Carn followed with a bellow. I barely managed to block before he rammed into my chest. I dug my heels in, but my stand was pushed, until one of my feet bumped into a root and my balance was lost.

I was hardly on the ground before the taser was back, and this time it didn't go away. I felt my back arch into a bow, felt my blood boil in my veins, and heard a crackling worse than Deathscythe breaking apart. Something smelled like smoke. The world popped into color, then blanked into white.

* * *

Stupid. I'd been stupid, and I hadn't been able to grab Shinigami in time. It was all that swam in my head, how stupid I'd been. Heero would kill me. Heero would rip me a new one.

Heero. Heero was coming, and he was going to meet with Carn. Mr. Asian Eater. Mr. Survives Death. Heero was meeting Mr. Regeneration who said cheeks tasted good. Not good. That was not good.

I took stock of myself and wanted to curse. I was on the ground, I could tell because I felt distinctly horizontal, and a dizziness kept turning the world around over and over again. And Carn was making weird-ass noises – or I hoped that was Carn – over to my seven. I couldn't hear anything else yet. Good. I still had some time.

I had to ignore the danger Heero was throwing himself into. I had to ignore my pain. The pain that, right now, was making it impossible for me to move as I wanted. My body was trapped in twitching spasms. But that was because I was aware of the pain. I had to become Shinigami – I had to get rid of my fears and my agony and just become Shinigami.

But Jesus, it __hurt__. Nothing hurt like an electric shock. Nothing.

It was a slow process, not the automatic thing it should have been, and half of that was the ripples of electricity bolting through my nerve system, but the other half was the knowledge that I probably didn't have much time, that Heero would be showing up soon. Stupid Heero. Stupid, not-dead dead guy. Stupid lying doctors. Stupid us for not burning the bastard's corpse.

Then the Venom grin was on my face and I was swinging up from my prone position, and before Carn could come get me, I ran around a tree and hid. Talk about a sense of deja vu. Was this the same damn tree I'd hidden behind when fighting Greaves?

"Bastard," Carn hissed, and his voice echoed a bit through the trees. Still I calculated his whereabouts and ducked as that taser swung around the trunk of the tree. I snapped a hand up and back, catching his wrist and smacking it against the bark. The taser fell, and as it did I swung around and backfisted the man.

No reaction. __Again__ , no reaction! His head turned a bit from the impact, but he'd already grabbed my hand and pulled it over my head. I tried to twist free, but my body convulsed and slumped, and he simply threw me against the tree and leaned it. I barely managed to twist my head from any attack and felt shimmers thrum through my body. Shit. Shinigami or not, I just couldn't get past the electricutions. I could only hang there in Carn's grasp as he used his free hand to push against my collarbone and lean into my neck. He sniffed deep. "American," he whispered. "Nasty, chunky Easterner. When will he get here?"

He was waiting for Heero to show up. That was right. Hadn't I heard him say something about bait? Bait. He'd fucked up, and he was too weak, and he was going to be bait. Fuck.

"Want the taser. Wanna hear the scream." He grinned. "Not as fun as eating, but it'll have to do, right?" Just a little longer, and I'd be able to move again. I could get out of this. The dumbass hadn't immobilized me. I could still fight. Carn bit my neck and pounded my head into the tree. "Right?"

"Go to hell." I reached up with my free hand and grabbed my man's throat, taking a deep breath and heaving against his weight. My hand shook and trembled, but it obeyed my order.

Those black eyes widened until white encircled the darkness. Carn's hand clenched around the one still trapped and twisted it. I shouted in pain, but I didn't let go, even when the pain in my hand warned me it would snap.

"Duo!"

I jerked, and just like that Shinigami left me as my fear jumped my heart to my throat. "Heero!" I wanted to shout, to warn him away, but my voice didn't want to work.

Carn pulled from me, trying to escape, and my hand slipped from his throat just enough that I knew he was able to breathe again. I used my other hand as he let it go, even as the bones seemed to move and my already-abused nerves informed me that Carn's hold had been very painful, thank you very much, and I latched on like a leech to his hand and dug in my heels.

Carn didn't seem human then as he turned on me, and I barely managed to get under his attack as he came at me. He grabbed my braid as I ducked and dragged me up and covered my eyes with his other hand, his short nails digging into my temples. Spots danced in front of my eyes and the back of my skull pounded in reaction. Fuck, that was right. Explosion concussion. I swallowed back my cry with sheer will, afraid for Heero to hear, and reached blindly for my enemy. My fingers tested air, clothing, skin. I wrapped my fingers around the last one and found my hands around a bicep. No good. In my position, I wouldn't be able to do anything. And I was out of time.

"Die," he said, and as if listening my nerves jerked and popped again, and limply my hand fell until I swung from his hands.

"Duo!"

I could tell before Carn cackled that Heero had arrived at the scene. Carn threw me to the ground. With a splatting sort of thunk, the back of my head hit the tree. I slumped as the baseball bat keeping rhythm with my heartbeat became a cinder block. I tried to stand and found myself sliding to the ground. My vision played in splotches of green and black and white. A lot of white.

"Duo! Damn you!"

I had to see him. Had to warn him. Stupid fucker. Carn was crazy enough without his favorite meal present. Even I could hear Carn's slobbering through the ringing in my ears. I had to get the fuck up. What was wrong with me? I'd been cut to ribbons during my fights with... with Greaves and fucking __everybody__. Getting such electric shocks as could power a good portion of a lightning bolt shouldn't be... okay, well, yeah, it should slow me down a good bit, but still. Heero...

I stretched my hand, tested the fingers, and found them shaking fit to be called palsy. Okay. Bad.

"Japanese. Japanese."

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Heero was asking the enemy a question. He needed time, then. We were both idiots, not able to put on the soldier just because the one we loved was in danger. Idiots.

"Dead? No. No, no, I will never die. Not until all of you are dead, until I have your blood in mine, your skin on my teeth. You will taste good. Better than good."

"We were told you'd eaten yourself."

Heero. Idiot Heero was still talking. Why not just pull out your damn gun and shoot the fucker? But then my vision focused and I understood why, and my heart just fucking stopped. Injured. My Heero was injured, and badly. He'd taken a bullet to the thigh and it was still bleeding even now, or maybe coming here had opened it, and I could see so many holes in his Kevlar vest his entire body had to be soaked in bruises. His collarbone. Had it been fully healed? Heero?

I had to help. I had to __do__ something. I was less than useless right now, and that was unacceptable.

I searched around the tree, my hand bobbing in the grass like a float on water. If I could find the bastard's taser, then we might still have a chance in hell.

"Told? Good for you; don't care." I turned just as Carn charged, my head whirling and dipping at the motion. Heero reacted as I did, blinking for a half-second before moving, surprised by the strange attack, but he was a bit faster than me, smartass, and managed to turn on his one good leg before he knelt down, pulling his gun free and shooting Carn in the back.

And then he stood and came to me.

"Jackass," I gasped, "it's not that easy!"

The laugh that came from Carn's downed body was that of a demon's, a high-pitched keen that ended on a sort of Joker giggle. Heero swiveled around and planted himself between Carn and me. "He's not after me!" I snapped, but Heero wasn't listening, and Carn was creeping up again. The man was soaked in his own blood, yet he didn't seem to feel it at all. How? What the fuck?

Heero shot at the man again, but though he buckled, Carn just kept getting up. Another bullet had even less of a reaction. "I should be hitting his heart," Heero murmured, then hissed. " _Situs inversus_."

Carn's heart was on his right side, not his left. But shouldn't his lung have been hit?

 _"Situs ambiguus?"_ I asked out loud, and Carn moved down to the ground, sliding one leg out, and he was up, my gun in his hand. I cursed.

Heero ducked, but the gun wasn't aimed at him. I fell to the ground, crunching myself into the grass. A blade went up my nose, but the bullet missed.

"Fuck. He won't shoot you, Heero, he doesn't want–"

But Heero wasn't listening to me, pulling down over me and providing cover at the expense of himself. I smelled his sweat and blood.

The taser. Fucking hell, give me a goddamn weapon!

I leaned forward and swept my arm over the grass until my wrist clacked against metal and I turned my hand awkwardly to grab it. Carn was moving everywhere, giggling like a damn kid. Carn shot and Heero grunted, flailing on hand out to catch himself.

"Heero, __move__ ," I said, squirming around, taser in hand. "You're an open target."

"I'm not leaving you," was his reply.

We were fucking __stupid__.

"I'll kill you for this," I promised, even as my body shuddered and my vision blurred.

"My line," he said, and shot. "Fuck, you're right. He has heterotaxy. I'll just have to shoot him __everywhere__."

"Got enough bullets?" I gasped in a breath and begged for Shinigami one last time. I crushed my forehead to the dirt and just __begged__.

"Maybe."

Maybe. Well, that was reassuring.

"I'll take care of it," I said, and pulled on the mask with not a little pain and a fear that it wouldn't work. That I wouldn't become the God of Death. But I felt the grin pull up my lips and knew I had it.

I twisted from behind Heero, even as he shouted at me. I had to ignore that twinge of panic in Heero's voice and throw myself into the brush. Carn shot at me, then cursed and moved. Heero shot him again. Shouldn't, I thought, the bastard be bleeding out?

Heero was injured. Badly injured. Carn would focus on him, wouldn't care much if I ran. He would be aware of potential attacks, or at least places he thought they could come from. I couldn't underestimate the freak anymore; his insanity had made me forget for a time that he was Qat's predecessor. He would know what to do, how to fight. He'd already beaten my ass pretty thoroughly. I couldn't afford to have that happen again.

I heard Heero shoot again, but this time no gunshot answered. I'd been right. Carn wouldn't shoot his food. He wouldn't waste the meat.

I slid up into a tree and hopped the branches, careful of falling leaves and weak limbs. I could just barely make out Carn, around a tree on the opposite side and watching Heero. His body looked loose, completely out of order. He wasn't breathing heavily, but he was a bit lazier than he'd seemed before. Blood loss? Hopefully?

Or maybe he was that excited about his food source.

Okay. No thinking about that.

I had to jump from that tree to another to get the right angle, but I couldn't do it without attracting attention. But if I made my move now, I would most likely mess up. I wasn't the super-genius that Heero was; I couldn't sucker punch people in the exact right place in their gut to get them to fall unconscious. And I only had one chance.

I used a small breeze to rip off a piece of my shirt and wrap it tight around the taser, forcing the mechanism's switch to stay on. I turned the snapping prongs out from my body and prepared to jump.

Carn was the one to move first, and I felt a slip of panic before I clamped it down. Heero shot the man, but though he jerked and stumbled back, he didn't fall. Still not his heart.

I used the sound of the gunshot to launch myself from where I stood, grabbing out with my free hand to wrap around a branch. Carn heard, but I was already pulling myself up and hid behind the leaves as he looked for me. Heero shot again, laying cover fire, and Carn's attention went back to his Asian food.

A spasm slid through me then, crippling my aim. I bit my tongue. The pain gave me my short moment of clarity, and with shaking hands I grabbed at it, raising the taser and aiming, barely able to see through the haze of sparks in my vision. I couldn't afford to miss. I couldn't afford to fuck this up and become Heero's weakness.

Heero needed me, dammit!

I threw the thing and cursed as it started flipping too wildly, cartwheeling through the air. Carn turned as I slid to the ground, looking at me just before he caught sight of the taser, and he snarled. The man's eyes were black holes in his head, just like the sockets of a skull.

The only reason I knew it hit was because he didn't kill me right there.

"Heero! Now!"

I bit my lip then as I fell to my knees. Goddamn electric shock shit. Stupid body wasn't fucking listening to me. I wanted to stand up. Wanted to take Heero's side as he ran between Carn and me, as he raised his gun and Carn reached up for him, both moving almost too fast for my blurry eyes to see–

And with a bang, Carn dropped to the ground.

Heero stood, almost frozen, his feet planted beneath his shoulders and his arms outstretched, gun in hand. Then his bad leg buckled and he dropped his gun to the dirt. "Wufei, what's your ETA?"

I couldn't hear anything and wanted to curse Carn all over again for breaking my earpiece. Dickhead.

I fell to my side, unable to keep myself up anymore, and I just shook and bucked and went so still I couldn't tell if I was breathing.

"Duo!"

My eyes were still open, and I watched Heero come over to me. He checked my pulse, breathed a pained gasp of relief, and placed his hand under my nose. "He's not breathing," Heero said, and shouted. "Duo, don't you dare!"

He pushed my onto my back and lifted my chin, sweeping my bangs from my face. Oh, yeah. Now I could tell I wasn't breathing. My chest hurt.

Heero's mouth covered mine, and the heat of it seemed to snap my spine, but I felt air push into my throat and greedily accepted it. Heero called my name again when he pulled back, and then he was back, and the air shoved through to my lungs and I __felt__ it, felt the wave of oxygen. I started coughing like mad, and Heero rolled me to my side, patting my back and speaking something I couldn't hear through my hacking.

"He's breathing. Duo, what happened?"

"Taser," I panted, gulping down air like a drowning man. My hands curled into my chest and stomach, the two places Carn had gotten me. "Dead?"

"I got his brain."

I grunted. Guess when the man was busy being electrocuted, it was easier to aim for his fucking head. "Good."

"We're by the Greaves sight."

Greaves. That was right. I wanted to ask Heero if my mission to Greaves was necessary, if he'd needed to do as I'd asked of him. But I couldn't seem to talk much anymore.

"Duo. Do you think you have internal bleeding?"

I took another breath and shook my head. "No blood," I said, indicating the lack of copper on my tongue. I coughed bad enough to hack up the offending organs, though.

Once I finished coughing, Heero had me on my back again and ripped off my shirt. He looked at my torso and grimaced. His fingers traced the taser lines. "Jesus. How long?"

I breathed quick and deep. "Dunno. Blacked out both times."

I heard movement then and struggled from where I lay, but Heero pushed me down and shook his head, pointing to his communication link. "It's Wufei," he said quietly.

"Qat? Tro?"

"Quatre sustained minor injuries, but Trowa took a shot to the shoulder. I got my leg injured, but it's a clean wound. It should only take about a week or two to heal."

I chuckled weakly. "Freak."

He nuzzled my hair. "Your freak."

I grinned. "All mine."

"Oh, please tell me I'm not walking into your sappy love scene," Wufei said, slowing from his jog at the sight of us. He turned his gaze on me. "Maxwell, what the hell happened to staying in the house?"

"What happened to no long-haired assholes?" I shot back, glaring at each of them in turn.

Heero looked away from me. Something in his eyes told me Greaves had been needed, after all. "I'm sorry."

"Later," Wufei said, his voice gruff, and he knelt beside Heero, on my side. "What in the world happened?"

Heero was the one to give him the message while I just tried to get my breathing under control. My body was still thrumming with adrenaline, and I found myself unable to relax. I was still ready to fight.

Heero seemed to notice the tension on me and touched my shoulder. "Status?" he said quietly.

Wufei stopped speaking, too. "Clear."

I turned my gaze to him and let him drag me from the edge of the cliff. "Not in danger."

He smiled. "Not in danger," he said, giving his own status. "Then we'll commence clean-up. Those who are able to move, move. You, Duo Maxwell, however," he said, "are to rest."

I stuck my tongue out at him, but my teeth over the injured muscle made me sigh and nod. "Aye-aye."

And I closed my eyes and let Heero take over.

* * *

* * *

So of course they took my sorry ass to the hospital.

At least I was conscious for this trip. It was more than annoying to wake up in the place, and at least as an awake individual, I could safely say that I was more obnoxious much faster. The nurses recognized me by my braid, and they grabbed my file without needing my name. Now if that isn't enough to rile up any man's pride.

I distinctly remember saying I was perfectly fucking fine, and I also remember Heero talking over me, telling the nurses about how I hadn't been breathing and showing them the two wounds on my chest. I looked down. There wasn't much in the way of bruising, just the two sticks for the prongs and a thin line of red. The nurses said that was a good sign; that the lack of blood was good, too. I knew that. Heero should have known that.

Thankfully the nurses realized Heero was injured, too, and he was whisked away and I got the pleasure of sticking my tongue out at him as he was put into a wheelchair.

I suffered through a number of degradations, the least of which being one nurse's giggle when she had to undo my braid. She took way too long doing it. A doctor came in and twirled her pen in her hand as she went through my files. "Hello again, Mr. Maxwell. Do you like our company so much?"

"Yeah, yeah. Keep it up and I'm going to a different hospital."

The woman rolled her eyes and put the files down. "So it's shock trauma today, hm?" She went around checking the stats the nurses had gotten and made some notation. "Well, you seem all right enough, but your momentary respiratory failure is a concern."

"Gee, let me think," I said, rolling my eyes, "you'd like to keep me here overnight. You know. Just to be sure."

"Yes, that's about it." She clicked the pen and slid the clipboard onto the front of the bed. "We need to make sure that concussion of yours hasn't gotten any worse. Bear with it, please."

I rolled my eyes. "And the others?"

"The man who came in with you is in surgery now, getting the bullet removed."

"Quatre? Trowa? Wufei?"

She cocked her head, and I told her their last names. "Mr. Winner sustained a minor injury. Mr. Barton took the worst of it. He's in critical condition, but he should be fine. All vital organs were missed, thankfully. And Mr. Chang is also well, with minor injuries. Other than his leg wound, Mr. Yuy has severe bruising, but that's about it. I'm surprised his collarbone is doing as well as it is; it's still fine despite all the stress he put it under."

She left then with an order to be good, and I was left to my own devices.

His collarbone was all right, then? And he would be okay? My concern switched then to Trowa. It sounded like Trowa had taken a bad one. Would __he__ be all right? Quatre must be going crazy. Wish I could be there for him. The idiot would beat himself up over this. Kind've like me.

I smiled at that one and closed my eyes. Hospital lighting was just __not__ conducive to a good rest. And how the hell long would I be stuck there? Everything had been finished when the day had been ending, but that was only because Carn took his sweet-ass time arriving! It had to be no later than eight, even with all the women nurses giggling and yapping over me. I wanted out. I wanted to know what was going on with Heero. And Zechs. And Femorel. I hadn't been there to see any of it, and a part of me was still freaking out, thinking Heero and Wufei had left off finishing Femorel just to get back to me. I really, really hoped not.

I don't know how long I lay there, thinking all this stupid shit, worrying it over and over in my head, but finally someone entered my room. I cracked open an eye, almost expecting some family member for the guy lying still on the bed beside me, but then I smiled. "You look like shit."

"You should see the other guy."

I chuckled for him, the best I could do with my chest hurting through the painkillers. "It's all over?"

"Only if your battle is, too." Greaves closed the door behind him, obviously ready for some privacy.

"It is." I didn't want to think back on it too much, remembering all too vividly how many times I'd fucked up in that particular battle. "What happened with Femorel? With __Zechs?__ "

Greaves grinned a little, then grabbed a chair and scooted it, not trying to be quiet. "Wouldn't you like to know how your friends are first?"

"Yes," I said immediately, and that damn grin widened. He really did look like shit, though; even his lips looked bruised.

"Your Wufei and Quatre are both well, though they are using their individual statuses to stay. They want to see you, but allowed me initial audience. Your Trowa is still in surgery, and the blond seems most distracted about it."

"They're close."

He tilted his head, acknowledging the words and saying he knew how close all in one movement. "Your Heero came out about an hour ago and is having his minor injuries checked out. He should be able to leave soon; he only needs slight bandaging, since the shot was clean."

I nodded, feeling something in me relax. "I should be fine, too," I told him, in case Greaves needed to tell the others. "It's all that overnight watch bullshit."

Greaves nodded, his eyes lingering on my chest. The nurses had left it unclothed, simply leaving me my pants and socks and cross. My hair was everywhere, too, and I suddenly felt a little self-conscious, having it undone in front of Greaves. He was a good friend, trusted. But he wasn't one of the pilots. "Femorel fell quickly after its Gundam pilot predecessors were taken out. Agent Chang successfully infiltrated the top floor and killed the leaders and their bodyguards. Agent Merquise was rather furious that he lost his chance to take care of them himself." Greaves shrugged at that.

I tried to sit up then, and even though pain shimmied itself through my nerves, I managed it. "And Zechs?" I gasped.

Greaves didn't look me in the eyes.

What? What?

The door snapped open, loud enough to make the man in the other bed jerk. I only got the chance to see a quick flash of silver and maybe blue before Greaves was up from his seat and standing in front of me.

"Move."

I leaned past Greaves, hurting the hell out of my chest in the process, and stared in shock at Zechs. What the fuck was this man doing here?

I got up out of the bed and planted my socked feet onto the tile floor. Fucking __cold__.

"What do you want?" I snapped. The man seemed all right, but just as I thought that, I saw how he slightly favored one of his legs. Had he been injured, too? Had the doctor forgotten about him, or had she known I wasn't with the dick?

"You." Zechs moved to go around Greaves, but one hand against his chest stopped him. Zechs glared.

Greaves still stood in front of me as if to protect. It was kind, but annoying. "Greaves." I touched the man's shoulder. It was slight, but I felt Greaves tense before he stepped aside. I stood before Zechs then, and for the first time got an unhindered view of him. He was still in his uniform, or maybe he'd gotten back into it, and the thing was torn to shit in the front, with a line in it that could only belong to some sort of sharp object. Knife? Sword? I never would've thought sword in this day and age, but according to Wufei, he'd engaged __Treize__ with one, so why not?

"I was promised a duel," Zechs said, breaking the silence stretching between us.

I lifted my chin. I'd figured as much. "Oh, really? With who? You can't mean one of us; we're all Preventors, after all."

Zechs gritted his teeth. His fists were splotched, white and pink. Was he seriously going to start a fight in the middle of a hospital? "I was also promised that you were out of the picture, and yet you not only were on our link, but also interrupting our battle with Femorel with your own incompetence."

I lifted my chin. "My fight with Carn didn't start until __your__ fight was over. I very specifically remember that."

Zechs looked ready to throttle me, but instead he unclenched his hands and leaned back on his heels. "What are you to him?"

"We're life partners."

He sneered down at me, and once again I found myself hating my short stature. "Lovers."

"More."

We stared each other down for a time. "Why __you?__ " he asked finally, the question obviously rhetorical.

I couldn't answer; I didn't know. Heero had his reasons for choosing me, just as I had mine for choosing him. All I could say was that we __had__ chosen. "Why do you care?" I asked, turning the question around to him.

"You aren't the right one," he said. As if that was any sort of answer at all.

Greaves seemed ready to say something, but I stopped him with a gesture. "Could you get the others?" I didn't look at him while I spoke. My eyes had to stay on Zechs. Just in case he did something monumentally stupid. "I want to know how Trowa and Heero are doing."

Greaves hissed something I couldn't quite understand, but left. Zechs barely moved for the man to get past, and even that was grudging.

When Greaves was gone, conspicuously leaving the door open, Zechs spoke. "Getting reinforcements?"

I saw what I needed to, though, and I smirked. "You aren't gonna attack me. It's why you shot yourself, right?" I gestured to Zechs' injured leg. "You like to fight, but you fight fair. Now, do you want to tell me what happened? Because I doubt you fought with Heero. He was too busy getting to me."

Zechs' lips twitched, wanting to snarl. He kept his composure through grit. "You set that man up in secret."

So Greaves __had__ been needed. Then why did he avoid my eyes? "I told him to stop any fights between you two, yeah."

It seemed to be just the answer Zechs' patience couldn't take, and he surged forward. I slipped back, but the damn machines and beds kept me cornered, and for fear of waking the old man, I found myself against the wall, Zechs' hands on my shoulders. The movements were bad enough for my chest, but my damn head rebounded __again__ and hell if it didn't make the damn wound there explode.

"You know the others will be here soon," I said, but he didn't let me go.

"I don't understand." He wrapped one arm over my chest and shoved me, his weight close to my neck. I reached up and grabbed his arm in warning, but his eyes weren't on the battle. "A warrior like him. He could be the best-"

"He __is__ the best," I said, cutting him off. It brought his eyes from himself back to me.

"Yes. He is. I saw his skills today. But he made a mistake, and it cost him his health."

A mistake? Heero? I stiffened.

Zechs pushed me a little more, his face finally starting to contort. "He listened for you. I could see him turning his head to his link."

Oh. And I'd been studiously silent, afraid my voice would give away my tension.

"He knew something was wrong," Zechs continued, and his eyes were gazing inward again. "The fool lost himself. For __you__. Because of __you__."

I had to admit, Zechs was suddenly making a much better argument now. "It sounds like neither of us want to be fighters anymore."

"Soldiers are always soldiers," Zechs said. I heard footsteps out in the hall. Zechs didn't let go. "Always," he said again. "You can't escape your past."

"But we can become something new." I squeezed Zechs' wrist and pushed him away. He let go, let me slump against the wall, but he didn't back away. His eyes were narrowed.

"You're a fool," he breathed, and the sudden gust of breath made me freeze again. There was something weird going on now. "Anyone who's seen a battlefield should know better than to believe in dreams."

"Pathetic." I pushed against him, but my strength failed me as my chest clearly said it wasn't happy with this arrangement. "You're the one who gave up. Don't call me a fool just because I'm stronger than you."

The bastard snorted. His hands came up again, this time caging me against the wall instead of touching me. He leaned in close, and I was hyper-aware of my hair loose around me. I was very pissed, now that I thought about it, that this bastard had seen me with my hair down. It made things even creepier. Made it difficult to feel like a warrior. I was reminded of my times on a street as a kid. It made me feel even smaller as he towered over me. "You aren't stronger. You had to send your friend out to help Yuy. You couldn't do it yourself."

I tried to push him away again, and when that failed, tried to hook a foot around his leg. He just stepped into me, until our foreheads were bumping into each other when we breathed. "Get the fuck away from me."

I tried to lift my arms, thinking to poke his eyes or shove his nose into his brain. __Something__. But my chest seized up and I was kind've afraid that doing more would give the lady doctor a reason to keep me longer.

I blame my hesitation.

Zechs leaned in and grabbed my lips with his, all roughness and force, and pressed my head back against the wall. I stood stunned for half an instant, just enough for him to twist his head and push harder, until a few spots sparked from the back of my head. I just said to hell with the pain then, wrenched my arms up and just shoved the heels of my palms under his chin, lifting his mouth off of mine until he chin was level with my eyes. He finally stepped back then, and I hopped onto my hospital bed and over to the other side.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Zechs?"

The words should've been mine; I'd opened my mouth for them and everything. But they'd become from the door, from a much softer tone of voice than I ever could have achieved.

Heero.

Zechs wiped his mouth off with the back of one hand. "It's not my thing, after all," he said, almost seeming to speak to himself. "A weak man just doesn't do it for me."

Heero looked ready to kill.

"Hi, Heero," I said, embarrassed as hell that I had even let that happen. I wiped my mouth, too, and wanted mouthwash like I never had before.

Zechs smirked in Heero's general direction.

It was about all it took.

I understood Zechs' actions about a quarter of a second after it was too late. Heero was already throwing a punch and ducking, putting weight on his bad leg and reaching to grab Zechs.

Shit. Zechs was getting his fucking fight.

I saw the others then, Qat and Wufei and Greaves all by the door, and just as I looked Greaves started to move. I did, too, moving to stop the fight before it was too late. But Heero already had the Perfect Soldier face. If I got in the way, I would be hit, too. He wouldn't be able to stop himself in time.

So I stood in front of Greaves and shook my head and just watched what my mistake had caused.

Zechs whirled around on his uninjured foot and got on Heero's side, pulling his injured leg into a kick. Heero ducked low, planting one hand on the floor and hoisting his feet into a cartwheel kick. I blinked as Zechs pulled back and Heero used his momentum to push off the wall and tackle Zechs to the ground. It was here that I ran forward, calling "ally!" and rushing forward, Qat and Wufei behind me, crowding around Heero and Zechs, and as I grabbed Heero's raised fist, Wufei pulled Zechs up and away. Quatre stood as the buffer in case they escaped our holds, placing himself in danger.

Heero growled and glared at me. His eyes were ice. "Heero, don't."

I heard a bone crunch from behind me.

Heero stood, and I with my hands still covering his fist stood with him. We both looked over. I was afraid for Quatre. With everything Zechs had been willing to do, I wouldn't be surprised if he broke the colony's representative's jaw. I even had Quatre's name on my lips as I turned.

Instead my jaw dropped.

Zechs was the one with his head to the side, the one with one hand cradling his jaw. I felt Heero still, too, and chanced a look over as his fist started falling. His eyes were still on Zechs, but they were melting. I sighed in relief.

"Don't ever touch one of my friends like that again!" It was little Quatre standing there, looking ready to rip Zechs' head off, that finally got Heero back under control, and silently we listened to our friend. "I don't care what your motivations are! I will have you in jail for assault faster than you can blink!"

Zechs moved his jaw, winced. Broken? Well, at least he was in a hospital. Bastard. "You would abuse your power?"

"For my friends? Yes." And Quatre looked proud of the fact. It made me grin. Within my hands, Heero undid his fist in entwined his fingers with mine. "Don't forget it."

Zechs looked a little too red for it to be just from the fight.

The man in the bed beside mine groaned. "Huh? Wha?"

"Sorry, sir," Quatre said, his voice much calmer now, though he didn't turn from Zechs' face. "We woke you. We'll try to be calmer from now on."

"Am I in a hospital?"

"Yes."

The man grunted, and I turned my gaze to him to see him close him eyes. "Weird. You're a pretty couple there," he said, flicking a finger in Heero's and my direction. "You take care of her, young man."

And the man went straight back to sleep.

I flushed, mortified. Goddamn those nurses, undoing my fucking braid!

I turned death glare eyes on Heero when he laughed.

* * *

So the nurses made an exception and let me leave early.

Quatre stayed, wanting to wait for Trowa, and though I argued to stay, too, everyone voted against me, apparently wanting me as far away from Zechs as he could. It had been when the nurse had come into the room that I'd realized Greaves was gone again. The bastard was like Batman.

Wufei got a ride with us back to his place, muttering something under his breath, something that flashed between Zechs' arrogance and his fury over not having his own damn ride. His muttering stopped when we got to his house and saw Sally waiting on his front step for him. He rushed out then, barely remembering to thank us for the lift before he was running up the steps, hands out in a soothing gesture. I couldn't see Sally's face in the darkness, but I recognized the hug easily enough. I was happy for him.

"It's good that he has someone," I said, and Heero hummed his agreement.

I waited to him to pull away from Wufei's place before clearing my throat. "Um, Heero-"

"I know you didn't want it."

I blinked. "Huh? Oh, the fucktard. Of course I didn't! I wasn't going to ask about that."

Heero took his eyes off the road, surprised for a moment, but then he nodded. "Femorel's down. We took care of it. Wufei got the leaders shortly after we took down our last predecessors. We were starting to clean up when Wufei got in touch with you... with Carn." Heero's hands gripped the wheel. "I'd already been heading out to my car. I hadn't heard anything from you, which is strange. Usually you can't shut up during a battle."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "I got the first part of that from Greaves, and you can tell me everything later. But what's this about a promised fight?" Heero's eyes narrowed. I had a feeling he didn't grimace or anything just through sheer will. "And I could swear Greaves was needed-"

"That's right," Heero said, cutting me off and glancing at me again. "You sent him after us."

"After __you__." I shrugged, then winced. That really made my chest hurt. A lot. "I told him to do whatever he had to if you guys needed help and..." I hesitated, which was more than enough for Heero to turn those dark eyes on me again, warning me to finish. I blew out a breath, making my bangs move. At least Heero had braided me up again before we'd headed out. Thank goodness. "And I told him to stop any fights that started between you two. Any means necessary."

"You gave Greaves the okay to kill Zechs?" And of course that was what Heero got stuck on.

"If necessary." I leaned my head back very, very softly. The doctor lady had said I was to stay awake all night, that I wasn't allowed to go to sleep. And if anything bad happened, I was to be in the hospital again. Heero would make sure I followed orders, the nuisance.

Heero was silent for a few minutes, and I concentrated on the hum of the car engine to keep me awake. Things were dark out; it was officially late as hell, and only the extra darkness told me the vague outlines of houses and trees.

Okay, now the silence was getting uncomfortable. "Heero?"

He gusted out a sigh and flipped on his turn signal. We were close to home now. "I suppose it's fine, since he didn't go so far and it at least slowed down Zechs enough for me to get to my car."

And what the hell did that mean?

"Slowed him down?" I prompted when it seemed Heero wasn't going to say more.

He nodded. "Zechs shot himself in the leg before we had even put away our weapons. As soon as Wufei said he'd gotten the leaders. Zechs turned to me then, waited until I'd pulled my gun out. And then Greaves shot at him. I don't know where he was. I hadn't been sure he'd really been there with us, though I'd seen men fall that neither Zechs nor I had aimed at. Greaves only nicked his shoulder, but it was clearly a warning shot. He'd been using a sniper rifle, and Zechs couldn't return fire."

I frowned and closed my eyes. "Then why did Greaves look away from me when I asked him what had happened?"

"That probably has to do with Carn more than Zechs," Heero said, and I could feel his eyes on me. "Are you falling asleep."

"No," I said, but I sounded more petulant than anything else. The fact of the matter was that I was tired. I hadn't rested well the night before, though when I had slept it was deeply, and hell if a battle didn't just wear you out down to your bones.

Heero waited a bit, and I gave up and opened my eyes. "Greaves was probably upset that he'd reported Carn dead when he hadn't been. He'd been called in by Femorel, which means they probably hid him by faking his death."

"Yeah, I found out about Carn through Femorel's audio channels."

Heero was quiet then. "You decided to fight him alone."

Uh-oh. We were entering dangerous waters. "You're damn straight," I said anyway, because I didn't feel at all guilty about my decision. Well, maybe a little bit guilty. "You and Quatre and 'Fei were all there, and I didn't want him near any of you. You said before that you'd have done the same if it'd been me."

Heero sighed. His hands on the wheel weren't white, so I figured I was safe enough. "That's true." His voice was quiet.

"Besides," I said, grinning now, "it's over. It's over, Heero!" I felt the giddiness of it only then, as we turned onto our road and into our driveway. I was fairly bouncing in my seat, not even caring about the pain. "We're done. We just might be able to live an actual __life__ now."

Heero smiled out the windshield and turned off the engine before turning to me and kissing me, hard and long, licking my lips until any lingering taste of Zechs was gone. Only then did he pull back and smile. "Free."

"Yeah." I thunked my forehead against his. "Finally."

"Mm." He kissed me again. "You have to stay up all night, you know. Absolutely no sleeping."

I grinned. "Gee, I wonder where you're headed with this."

He laughed. "Shall we find out?"

* * *

* * *

Heero was like a little kid as he locked the front door and grabbed my hand, leading me up the stairs like I'd never climbed them before. I almost laughed at him.

We went past my room, but then Heero stopped and looked back, practically vibrating.

"Yours," I said, and he turned on me like lightning and backed me up against the wall right there in the hallway and kissed me. He was gentle with my head, cupping one hand behind it so that it didn't bump against the wall for the thirtieth time that night. Then one hand slid down my arm, across my bicep and onto my upper torso and he tilted his head before he licked my lips.

I granted him full access.

His tongue was hot, his breath heavy. "Duo." His fingers stilled on my chest, even as his mouth made war with mine. I could feel him ghosting over the places Carn had gotten me, over those little burn marks that told of the taser's touch. He was putting weight on his injured leg, but he didn't seem to care. Should I?

That tongue of his crept down my lips to my chin and around my jaw to my pulse. Thoughts fled. "H-Heero. Bed?"

"Bed," he said, more growling than speaking, and those hands draped around my waist to my back and pulled me forward.

I planted my hands on his chest and cocked an eyebrow up and him. Damn him to hell, an Asian wasn't supposed to be taller than me. Freak. "Bed," I said again.

"Picky." But he took my hand again and took me to his room, pushing the door and letting it hang open. I rolled my eyes.

He had me sit on the bed, a much more difficult feat than I'd initially believed, with the muscles of my chest protesting almost every move. I looked at Heero's leg, happy to see a distinct lack of blood. "How's the wound?" I asked. He watched me as I sat there undoing my hair.

"It's fine. It was a clean shot, and I heal easily."

I mumbled an insult under my breath and tugged a finger through the last few braids, then the next and the next until I was all finally free again. "Gods, it was creepy having my hair down back there."

Heero didn't ask where. Didn't have to ask. "I really don't want to talk about that."

"I really don't want to remember that slimy bastard's lips-"

Heero crushed his lips against mine, one quick kiss, and pulled back. "Just let me know how many more times I have to do that."

"Hmm." I grinned. "Let's see."

Heero ripped off his shirt, his laughter muffled by the fabric. I watched those muscles dart and flex beneath the skin and sucked in a breath. The skin was purple, black, brown, some spots fading slightly to yellow. I winced. "Shit, Heero."

"Don't care," he said, his eyes taking in mine. "Do you?" he asked, and he seemed to hesitate where he stood.

I shook my head. "Danger's gone."

"No more fighting," Heero said.

"Hopefully," I grinned, and plopped back onto the bed. It made me dizzy for half a second, but I recovered and turned my head to him. "But at least nothing for now."

He hummed and came over to the side of the bed, climbing up to saddle my hips. He looked down at me with all that hair falling into his face and smirked. "You look good there."

I flipped him the bird. "Excuse me, who's straddling who?"

He leaned down and planted his forearms on either side of my head before he rubbed his nose against mine. "But you're on bottom."

I leaned my head up, nabbed his lower lip, and nibbled. "Only 'cause I'm injured."

"Oh? That a challenge?" He cupped his hands behind my head again. I flicked a tongue over those lips of his again and tried to identify the taste. He hadn't eaten recently, so it was all him. I moaned and pulled his head down to taste it better.

He took advantage of my distraction to thread those fingers under my shirt and trace over the bandages, then to move over and thrum my nipples. I let his mouth go on a gasp and he chuckled. "Cheater."

"All's fair," he said with a grin. And he went south before I could say something back. Those lips found my neck and I was gone, practically bending into a bridge as he nibbled down my jaw and pulse and down further, licking my shirt and my collarbone beneath. Those fingers played over my nipples again.

"Heero." I let one hand slide from his silk hair down to his neck, shoulder, ignoring the stupid twinge of pain for the greater pleasure of feeling his tricep and the hiss of his breath against my skin when I wound my fingers down the side of his chest.

My touch was almost intangible when I flitted my fingers across his chest. I traced the lines of bruises, followed the trail of purple down to his stomach. "What the hell happened?" I asked, unable to stop myself.

"They were after me more than Zechs," Heero said, and propped himself up. His eyes were dark enough to pass for black. "They didn't understand my strength, but they wanted it." He watched my face, watched as my brow puckered and lips pursed. So they'd been after him? Trying to... what? Kill him? Use him as a guinea pig, just like J had? My gaze roamed over his body, over his bruises, and I pulled my head up to look at his leg. It was like every bullet found its way to him. He was lucky the Kevlar vest held up under the strain.

How close had it been? How close was it even now? We were both given clean enough bills of health, but how far would those take us?

"Duo."

I looked back up at him as he sat up, his hair falling around his eyes in disarrayed clumps. Those eyes of his were clearing. "Are you sure about this? We're hurt from the battles, and you said you didn't want any injuries to get in our way."

What? He was stopping? Was he serious? I reached up for him, and through the twinge of pain I tugged lightly on that crazy hair of his. "That's because I was being stupid and poetic. I take it back."

"Duo," Heero said again. He grabbed my hands, entwined our fingers, and plopped them back on either side of my head. "I'm being serious."

I growled. "So am I." Getting free of Heero was rather difficult, but I squirmed enough to get one hand free – though half of that, I think, was Heero worrying about my own wounds – and wrapped my arm around his neck for another kiss. When I pulled back, I glared at him. "Don't you dare hold back on me, Mama-Yuy."

He laughed. "I wouldn't dream of it."

We undressed then, Heero pulling off his pants and me struggling underneath him with my shirt. Every time I tried pulling the damn thing off, my chest seized. So when Heero rolled off to kick his pants away, I at least managed to get my damn pants off, though kicking them off was the only option, since I couldn't comfortably lean over and get them. Damn Carn bastard and his stupid taser.

Heero might as well have been perfectly healthy, of course; the man wouldn't know how to look sick if he was in the late stages of leprosy. He was undressed before I'd managed more than my pants and one sock. Evil socks hurt to get off, too.

Heero ran one calloused hand through his hair, and then he saw my dilemma. He huffed and rolled his eyes before crawling over to me and snatching my feet as one toe fumbled with the neck of the remaining sock. He laid my bare foot down and held up the one with the sock, peeling it off. Then the bastard tried to tickle me.

I grinned, even as my nerves jumped. "I'm an ex-Gundam pilot, pal. You ain't getting' nuttin' outta me wit' dat maneuver."

"Maneuver, hm?" He dipped his head down and licked the bottom of my foot.

I screeched a little and pulled away, causing a thin stripe of pain to play up my chest and through my neck and arms. My head pounded encouragement. "Yuy – what the fuck–"

"Gotcha." He slid up and ran his hands underneath my shirt. "Can you lift your arms?"

Normally I'd have laid into him for that one, but since I honestly didn't know, I let it slide and just tried. They only went to about a forty-five degree angle before the pain started kicking into overdrive. I cursed.

"It's all right." Heero was slow as he rolled the shirt up, pushing my head forward when it was time to pull off the collar, until the sleeves were the only things still attached and it was a simple matter to roll the shirt off. He threw it aside and looked down at me. Those fingers traced the bandages again. "I almost didn't make it in time."

"He had no intention of killing me." I tugged on Heero's hips until he splayed them against mine. Heero wore nothing underneath his clothes, as per usual, but I had my boxers on still, and the friction was almost unbearable. "It was you he wanted to eat, remember?"

His eyes darkened. "I remember." And he moved his hips up and down and I groaned.

"Jesus, Heero."

"Are you calling Jesus or me?"

"I'm calling the smartass." I couldn't push the man over, so I couldn't be on top, but hell if I was playing the part of the meek bottom. His chest worried me, and his leg, but there was definitely a part of him working just fine, and that was what I went for. He jumped and hissed as my fingers circled around him and just barely clenched.

"Rather quick, cheater." He let his own hands fall down to my stomach, then to my hips. If I gave enough of a damn just then, I would've been impressed with his contortion abilities, him still keeping our hips pressed close even as he wound his fingers under my boxers and into my thighs.

"All's fair," I returned, and he huffed out that tiny laugh of his with those fingers clenching around my skin. He ground us together until my boxers pissed us off enough to stop, and it was Heero who kept me from exerting my poor abused chest muscles and pulled the thing off. My breath caught as he looked, and I'm not girly or anything but something made me freeze against him. I don't know if it was the eyes, the... I mean, shit, I'd already given the man a BJ. And I'd been forced to do the same on the streets! It wasn't like I saw him like I had that man who'd grabbed my hair then. Even when Heero had grabbed my braid, I hadn't gotten mixed up, because Heero tried so hard to not make a sound, like he was struggling against his own damn larynx or something. And it wasn't like I was lying on the bed now thinking about anything bad, and I wasn't thinking anything dumb like, 'was he expecting something bigger?'

But I still froze, and I didn't know why.

"You're beautiful." Heero's voice was breathy, and it helped me realize __why__ I'd frozen. I'd seen Heero, but he hadn't seen me. By the time he'd come, I'd come, and we just kind've laughed and kissed and cleaned up. And we'd seen each other cleaning up, but it'd been post-sex, not pre-sex. I hadn't known that would make me feel different.

I didn't know I would __blush__.

Then Heero was leaning down and licking down my stomach, and all I could do was hold on to the sheets and curse. Somehow it made Heero laugh again.

There was the painful sort of fire in my groin by the time that tongue slid further south, and I hissed as he circled around my thighs and deliberately left my dick dry. "Heero, for the love of – aah...!"

He'd lightly bit my sac. "Don't you calling for your deities again," Heero hissed, his breath whooshing over my dick so that it jumped as I did. "Just call for me."

"Cheesy," I grumbled, but I couldn't help calling his name as he licked up my length and cupped me. His free hand went up, up until it glossed over my bandages and played across my nipple again. I think I whimpered. Those hands played over me and that tongue was playing a beat against my tip and I cried out.

Then Heero kissed my tip and pulled himself up. I reached from the sheet to grab, but he only chuckled. "We aren't finishing like that again."

I growled. "Picky." I managed to run my fingers up his own dick and watched him close his eyes and shudder. He was much more engorged than I'd have thought; Heero looked about as ready as me to come. I hadn't been able to pleasure him, so how...?

"Duo, I want to be in you." And he touched my hand and put it back on the bed. "I want to feel you tight around me."

I grimaced. "I'll let you this one time, but once I'm better, your position's being challenged."

"I'll win."

The bastard was so sure of himself I wanted to hit him. "I got some moves, buddy, and don't think I won't play to win." I glared at him when he chuckled, kept on glaring at him while he rolled over and opened up the drawer of his nightstand. "You can't be serious."

"A soldier is always prepared."

"Freak." I took a deep breath. I'd never done this part before. Never really wanted to. But something __was__ asking for more, asking for Heero to be __mine__. BJ's just didn't do that. I owned nothing but the taste and the memory. I wanted to own __him__ , in some weird primal way – like I wanted to brand him, to brand myself. I wanted everyone to know that Heero Yuy, the beautiful, crazy bastard that he was, was with __me__. That he'd chosen __me__.

So I spread my legs and glared sullenly at him when he rolled back over with the lube. Heero saw and smiled. "I love you."

"Corny." But I reached for him anyway – and snatched the lube from him when he wasn't paying attention. "I guess I should say I love you, too, right?"

"It would be preferable to silence," he said, and tried to take the little bottle back. I grinned and hugged it to myself.

"You are my light," I said, and watched his eyes widen a little. It was with triumph that I popped open the lid and squeezed out some lube. "It's incredible, I suppose." I shrugged and rubbed my hands together. "You've shown me myself, yet even before I knew who I was, I knew I loved you."

Heero's breath crashed out, then sucked right back in when I ran a wet finger up the bottom of his dick. "Duo." He closed his eyes again as I wrapped my hands around him and smoothed the lubricant over him. "Shit."

Much better. I grinned. "Yes?"

Blind, Heero fumbled for the abandoned bottle of lube and popped it open again, squeezing out his own dollop. His fingers rubbed around each other, his movements slow, deliberate. I watched as they started to glisten. And while I rubbed him ready, he slid one hand between us and touched my hole. I froze again for a moment before letting out a little breath and relaxing. That thumb of his rubbed again, then slipped just a bit inside. We both hissed at the same time then.

He switched to his first finger, wet and cool with whatever lubrication he'd gotten – hell if I'd checked the damn label – and swirled around until I whimpered and bucked. He licked my nipple as he slipped that finger in, and I arched my back and gasped. The feeling was... weird. Almost-painful, but Heero took his time and it was more uncomfortable than awful. His finger wiggled like a worm. The thought almost made me laugh.

Heero waited until I squirmed, then slid it slightly out, then in again. I gasped again at the feel. Holy shit.

Another joined the first, Heero working slowly, even though the burning in me was getting worse and I thought I could feel him twitching slightly, hissing every time I jerked, every time my breath hitched. I let go of Heero, afraid I would lose control and grip too hard, but my hand trailed up, gripping his shoulder, while my other hand twisted in the sheets enough to pull off one of the corners. My legs bent of their own accord. My toes curled. And Heero started scissoring those fingers of his.

"Shit!"

Heero stopped for only a moment before realizing I wasn't scared or hurt. He chuckled. "You're so eloquent, Duo."

I just grimaced and blew him a half-hearted raspberry, unable to speak any better than that at the moment. It didn't hurt much at all, especially now, and something in me was getting rather insistent, almost angry. The fire in me __hurt__. It wanted something more. It wanted Heero. __I__ wanted Heero.

I tried to communicate this, clenched my fingers around his shoulder and arched my back again, but all I could do was curse again. I looked down as Heero lifted his head, and his eyes were definitely insanely dark. My body seemed to beg.

And he smiled. "All right."

My heart melted. Beautiful bastard.

He positioned us, watching as I tested what I could do with my injury, me watching him situate himself so his weight was off his bad leg, and then my legs were practically up to my ears and I was flushed, half horrified by the position but feeling Heero's tip against me, so I couldn't pull back. Those fingers came back, double-checking, then left and I watched his eyes again. "Ready?"

"If you make me wait, I will kill you."

I heard that breathy chuckle, felt it enough to shiver. "Stealing my lines again?"

"Your old lines, maybe, but not those cheesy... nnn..." I gave up on speech then and leaned my head back as he slid just the tiniest bit in. It hurt a little more, even with all that careful preparation, and yet it was totally different in another way. Fingers weren't the same at all. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his head, digging into his hair. Jesus. It hurt, but if felt good. Like eating food for the first time in days. Like drinking the rain with a throat hot from fever. Hell. Like nothing I'd ever experienced before.

It took even longer after that, as Heero waited until I tugged and squirmed under him before continuing, one of his hands squeezing between us to play some rhythm over my dick to help me along. I made more interesting sounds in those minutes than I ever had in my life. A part of me was horrified – a rat should be quiet at all times. But __shit__ , a rat wasn't in the habit of feeling this, and Heero would always give me a little more whenever I did, like some stupid positive reinforcement or something.

Then I felt him slide that last bit in and I hardly took a moment before I started writhing under him, already wanting to do more. It was Heero who made a small sound then, one of the first he'd made, and I stilled, afraid I'd hurt him. My eyes were wide as they scanned his face, seeing the lines on his brow and the jawline that said he was clenching his teeth. His eyes were almost shut. "Heero?"

"Fine. Just..." And I felt his hips jerk against me. "Shit," he breathed. " _ _Shit__."

I wanted to tease him, wanted to laugh in his face, but there was something in his face that stopped me. He looked like he'd just entered Heaven.

I reached up with one hand – the clean one – and touched his cheek. Those slits of eyes opened. That head leaned into my palm. He kissed it. "You okay?"

"I'm absolutely dying," I told him, and watched that gaze sprint over to my face. I was grinning. "You gotta fuckin' __move__ , Heero."

He gasped out a laugh and groaned and pushed, and I was surprised to feel that tiniest bit more fill me and then I was grinding up and to hell with my damn chest. The pain hardly registered, anyway.

But Heero pushed me back down and rolled his hips in a way I'd never known one could, and something inside me lit like a damn flare and I gasped and yelped all at once. Heero's eyes narrowed, and I watched that mind work just before he moved again, hitting that spot a second time. My entire body just bowed, and that noise came out of my mouth again. He adjusted himself for a moment, pulling a little more weight off his bad leg, and then he was pulling back, just enough for me to feel the absence inside of me, and then he came back, slow again, as if pacing himself. I keened. Like a girl. And I could not care less.

He did it again, and this time that flare was lit again and I writhed like a snake, making noises I couldn't even label. The fire was an inferno. A volcano. I tugged on Heero's arms, unable to do more, to say it, but he seemed to understand, or maybe he was somehow getting there, too, because his hand dipped low, between us, and those fingers drummed around me and pumped and my back was up and he hit that magic spot again and on a scream I came, the eruption blinding my eyes almost white. I saw Heero bite his lip, heard him grunt, and those eyes of his clenched closed as his head fell back and I felt something wet and alien spurt inside of me.

We slumped to the bed in an absolute mess. I felt sweat on my brow, on my chest and arms and felt my own semen on us. Heero managed to move to my side, keeping his bad leg off the bed, and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my shoulder. We were both gasping for breath. I felt weird after he left me. His semen was still there, all awkward and weird in me, and I felt it slipping out a little, and an uncomfortable feeling was starting to pulse there. Apparently I hadn't felt pain at the time, but I was going to be sore in a few hours. My chest seemed ready to remind me of its assaults, as well, and my head was echoing my heartbeat.

But I didn't care. I was riding the cloud of completion and couldn't be bothered with anything minor like discomfort. I turned my head to Heero and smiled. He looked to be feeling about the same as me. "I don't wanna get up," I told him, and got his hand across my bangs, pushing them out of my face. His were much messier than mine could dream to be; his hair had already been wild enough to be after-sex hair, but now it was absolutely insane. Medusa would be proud. I grinned at the thought and pushed the worst of it from his forehead. "That was insanely good. Like 'holy fuck' good."

Heero laughed. "Couldn't you just say it was incredible?"

"Cheesy," I said, half-glaring.

He just shook his head and sighed, looking up to the ceiling. "I can't tell you how many times I looked up to this sight, awake despite myself and wanting you here to finish what my head started."

I snorted. "Perv." He glared but stopped when he saw my smirk. He rolled his eyes and snuggled again. It was a nice feeling, one I hadn't felt since I'd been on the street with the other rats, all of us curling together for warmth. I pulled up one hand as far as I could and wrapped it over his arm. "I love you."

He hummed and rubbed his nose against my hair. "I love you, too."

We stayed there for a while, just lying there, until it started getting a little cold. I was about to give up and roll off the bed to get clean when Heero pushed himself up to his hands and knees and crawled over me. His lips were obviously trying to smile, but he was tamping the urge down. I tilted my head at him – and he dipped down and licked my ear. I laughed – shit. That was a ticklish place I wasn't used to ignoring.

Then he leaned down and licked from my jaw to my collarbone. I shivered and gasped. "H-Heero. You can't be serious."

His lips had moved to my nipple. He seemed to like the spot. I didn't know why until he flicked that tongue over it and I heard a weird half-breath slip from my mouth. Shit. Was he looking for that noise specifically? "Why not? How old are we? Nineteen? Twenty?" He looked up at me through those ridiculous bangs. "I'm horny."

I let out a choked laugh and gave up.

* * *

* * *

We slept in.

Well, we may have slept in, but we'd gone to sleep late, so...

Either way, we were woken up by the damn doorbell, and though Heero just rolled over and got up, I pulled the pillow over my head and huffed, trying to ignore it. My ass hurt.

"Duo. You know you should get up." Heero sounded rather chipper this morning, the bastard. I didn't even deign to glare at the man.

The doorbell rang again, and Heero went to the window before shouting, "in a minute!" He threw on his jeans and shirt and headed for the door.

"Heero, are you serious? I mean, I know we cleaned ourselves up, but-"

But Heero just grinned at me and cocked his jaw. "They woke me up."

I blinked as the man left the room.

Oh, shit.

I scrambled up from the bed as Heero went down the stairs. I was stripped and in the shower before he opened the door. The water was hot, and my ass was protesting my quick movements enough that I winced, and hell if I'd remembered the damn bandages before it was too late and they were soaked, but at least I wasn't being as obviously negligent as Heero. That guy...!

* * *

I came down about ten minutes later to the sound of something frying on the stove. My hair was wet and pulled in its braid, still dripping slightly – long hair did that – and Heero was at the stove, making omelets. Quatre turned to me with eyes that made my back straighten.

Trowa snickered.

"Come on, Duo, it's not that bad."

Wufei turned his gaze from Heero to me and smirked, leaning on one elbow. He looked like a box of popcorn should be sitting in his lap.

I ignored him and sauntered into the room, popping myself on the counter and swinging my legs back and forth. "So before you go into your conspiracy, can you tell me what happened yesterday?"

Quatre's brows furrowed. "Heero didn't tell you?"

"He just told me we won and that he was attacked more than Zechs. And that Trowa was hurt." I turned my gaze to Trowa. "I thought you were still in the hospital?"

"Got out this morning," he said, but he was sitting in a chair, different than usual, and he was leaning back. "I got hit in the arm, then again five inches beneath the right ribs. The Kevlar caught most of it, but it was close enough to the intestines to merit some worry." The man didn't shift where he sat, but he looked a little uncomfortable. "As long as I take it easy, I should be fine."

Should be?

But Quatre was already leaning over and saying something in Trowa's ear, and the man turned and smiled down on the blond. "I know," he said, just barely loud enough for me to hear. Wufei was blushing and looking at Heero's wall.

"I was in hiding through the most of it," Wufei said then, getting back on-topic, "since I'm not quite as good at stealth as you, Maxwell."

"Trowa and I fought one of those... one of our predecessors," Quatre said, even as I watched him lace his fingers with Trowa. "He was fast, and ugly. I think the doctor he was with had done something to his physical features. Or something." And Quatre gave me an account of the battle, of Quatre and Trowa dancing around the guy, managing a few shallow shots before he'd gotten in front of Quatre. Trowa had moved then, stopping the kill shot, and once Trowa had gone down, Quatre had gone ape-shit and managed to take the guy out. I applauded him as Heero put down omelets for Qat and Tro, and Heero started telling his story in more detail as he did Wufei's. I asked if he wanted me to take care of the rest, and he told me to shut up. Just as well. Damn, my ass hurt.

"Anyway," Heero said, spreading the cheese over the eggs and adding the sausage a bit later, "Zechs and I got through the throng of guards and were stopped by the other predecessor. It was good to plan for both, at least." Heero tested the eggs, then let them rest in the pan for a bit. "Zechs was almost ignored. The man was obsessed with me. He didn't see anything else."

Heero flipped the egg onto its side. "It helped sometimes; when guards came over, Zechs could take care of them while I fought the man. We fought, both of us not really getting a good shot in until he got my leg and I his arm. I don't know how long it was after that, but he got me once in the chest, close enough to get me on the floor." My eyes widened. "He hit right around my collarbone, after all." My mouth fell open. "He came up and shot me five more times, and when he aimed for my face, I shot him. Zechs finished him off then, and shortly after shot himself."

He sprinkled a little more cheese on the top of the omelet – something I'd never thought of doing before I'd seen him do it – and handed it to Wufei. He'd already cracked the next three eggs before I'd gotten my mouth to work.

"We did it after all that?"

The words probably weren't the best; Wufei started making choking noises. He thumped his chest as I turned and grabbed tea Heero must've given him at some point. He drank it all down and gasped. Quatre laughed through the whole thing.

"Yes, we did." Heero, I saw when I turned back to him, was grinning that chipper, triumphant grin I'd heard in his voice when we'd woken up. The man seemed to almost be vibrating.

"Jesus Christ, would the two of you __please__ shut __up__?" Wufei sputtered. He stood from the table and stalked over to the fridge. While Wufei refilled his drink, Quatre got up and came to me, his arms out to hug. I leaned awkwardly down to accept. "I'm so happy for the two of you! I'd thought maybe I'd missed it, since... but I'm so happy you came together."

That one was spoken innocently, but I had a street rat mind, and I started thinking about the double meaning. "Uh, thanks, Qat."

"It's about time," Trowa chimed in, and I looked over Qat's shoulder to see a smirk on the man's face. Apparently he'd gotten his a long time ago. I narrowed my eyes and squeezed Quatre that little bit tighter. The grin slipped to an acceptable degree. I stuck my tongue out.

"Duo, stop antagonizing the guests." Heero reached for a plate as Quatre let me go, giggling. I snatched it for him and leaned over with it. His eyes judged how safely I was seated before he dropped the omelet on my plate. I grinned at him and licked my lips at the plate. And got to see his eyes darken.

"Yay! Thanks, Heero." And I grabbed a fork and dug in where I was. "Ah! Hot!" I put the plate down and ran to the fridge, grabbing my apple juice. Heero had a glass on the counter by the time I had it in hand. He was grinning victoriously at the pan again. Smartass.

He put in one last omelet and Quatre went to Trowa, sitting down to eat his food, leaning over every once in a while, most likely to ask mother-hen questions. Wufei looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"So," I asked, once more on the counter, "how're things between you and Sally, 'Fei?"

The man went red.

"Maxwell!" He glared coal daggers at me. "That is most certainly none of your business."

"Aw, come on. That relationship of yours is the only chance we have of seeing kids." I said it without thinking, but things got a little quiet. I stopped eating with the fork halfway to my mouth and looked at the table. At Heero. Everyone was really quiet. "Um, what?"

"Actually," Quatre said quietly, "that's one of the things I want to talk about. I... Trowa and I are considering adoption." The blond's eyes were on his omelet.

My jaw dropped. "Qat! Really? That's... that's so fucking awesome!"

It surprised a laugh from everyone, and I saw Quatre's shoulders relax. "Good," the blond said. "Because if I can get it okayed, I want you and Heero and Wufei to all be godparents."

I snorted. "Us? Really? Are you crazy?"

But Heero paused in his omelet-making and turned to Quatre. "Absolutely," he said, voice dead-serious. "I would want nothing more."

"Nor would I," Wufei said. Quatre nodded, then turned to me. A full-blown blast of baby blue was just unfair.

"Look, I would be honored. But I'm a rat, Quatre. I don't know shit about normal kids." I had the plate on my lap – burning a hole through my jeans, by the way – and my hands in the air. I'd look like I was surrendering if I didn't still have the fork in my hand.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Heero frowning at me.

But Quatre seemed to be happy then, for some reason. "So you'll do it."

"Qat–"

But Quatre was already nodding. "Wonderful. Thank you, Duo."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Heero spoke then, still looking at the omelet as he put it on a plate. "Duo. Do you really think any of us know what it's like to be 'normal'?"

My mouth snapped shut. Oh. Of course. Trowa even went through life on the streets, in a way, living with a mercenary unit that couldn't been killed at any time. Quatre wanted us all to have this child, to raise him or her and create with our own hands the happiness of the next generation.

Oh. Our blond friend really was the smartest of us all. "I'd love to," I said, voice quiet, and Quatre beamed. Trowa raised his left hand and put it on Quatre's leg. They shared a smile that made Wufei look at the wall again.

"So that aside," I said, still unable to think straight, " _ _is__ everything going well between you and Sally?"

Wufei gave a long-suffering sigh. "Yes, Maxwell, thank you."

I nodded and returned to eating. We all ate then, the silence companionable, until Quatre started fidgeting in his seat and Trowa sighed. "Just do it," Trowa said finally and I looked up in time to see Quatre blush.

"Uh-oh," I said, as all eyes turned to me. "What?" I turned to Heero, but he was only smiling some mystery smile at me. Shit. "What?" I turned again to Quatre.

"Um, Duo. Do you remember when we came to you before, with a message from Une?"

I thought back. "Honestly? No. Not really."

Quatre rolled his eyes and bounced in his seat. He actually turned around to the side of the seat and put his hands on the back. He looked like a puppy begging on its hind legs. "We came and told you about Une wanting to see you because of the files about Caribol."

I shrugged. "Okay?"

He huffed. "And I asked you if you would let me publish your poetry?"

I paled. Everyone was watching me, and I turned to Heero again. He looked like he was trying to fight his smile, but it really wasn't working. I glared at him, but that just made his control slip enough that he full-out grinned. My glare turned up a notch. "Hey," Heero said smoothly, "I don't have a thing to do with this."

"Then how do you know?" Heero just shrugged and ate another bite of food.

"I told him as soon as we came in," Quatre admitted, and I turned my glare on him... for about three seconds. Shit, it was impossible to glare at Quatre. Cheater knew it, too. "I wanted to know what he thought of it..."

"Of course the bastard loved it," I hissed, glaring at the man again out of the corner of my eye. Heero kept grinning unrepentantly.

"Duo, please?" The bastard was pulling out all the stops. He was even __pouting__. If I could've leaned back, I would've. "I swear I won't be asking much from you. I could even change your name if you want. I just really want others to see those words of yours. Please?"

What the hell could I say to that? "Qat, I couldn't let you do all the work–"

"I don't mind," the blond said quickly, stopping that argument cold. "I want to. It would be my little project. Please, Duo?"

The bastard fucking had me, and he knew it. I snarled anyway. "I don't want people reading that trash."

"Duo."

I turned to Heero, the first person to interrupt the argument between Quatre and me. Wufei was back to looking at us, that movie-goer look in his face again. Heero was looking up through his bangs, his smile gone. "Don't call them trash."

I blinked.

Most probably, I should've been pissed. He was telling me what to do, and he'd definitely gotten top position, so I should've been making sure he didn't let the position get to his head or anything. But mostly I was just... warmed. Embarrassed as hell and warmed. Because Heero thought those stupid things were percious.

I grumbled and looked down at my plate. At this rate, my food was going to get cold. I dug out another bite and enjoyed the taste. I had no idea how Heero did it, but his omelets were great. Maybe it was the extra cheese, or whatever he put into the eggs when he first scrambled them in the pan, but in any case, they were always delicious. I looked up at Quatre again and sighed. "I'm surrounded, aren't I?"

Quatre clapped his hands together again and hopped once more from his seat to grab me in a hug, hardly remembering to avoid my plate at the last second. I swallowed and hugged the boy as best I could. That second hug had hurt my chest. Ouch.

When Qat pulled back, there was an evil little grin on his face. I'd known it was coming, but the sign of his manipulative victory still burned. I glared at him now without a problem. "Bastard."

"Thank you, Duo," was all he said, and he walked calmly back to Trowa.

Gods, that guy was a weapon in and of himself.

And so Wufei had a few things to laugh about as we all finished eating.

* * *

I cleaned up the dishes, then stacked them all in their cupboards. Heero had gone into his bedroom, saying he wanted to change the linens – probably a good idea – and somehow managed to give me a smile that made me blush again.

Okay. So maybe the only thing that changed in our relationship was a new level of secret glances. I had to make sure I wasn't the only one blushing all the time, or else I was going to end up being the butt of Wufei's jokes twenty-four-seven.

The good news was that I had some time to myself to think about what Quatre had managed to worm out of me: the promise to send him my poems for publication. I was hoping he would send them in without using his name, which would definitely get them sent back to him with a note saying not to waste the publisher's time. It would serve him right, taking my half-ass poems and trying to put them in print.

But what if they did make it? What if... if people read such private things? I mean, most of those were for Heero. Written either about Heero or to Heero or... well, they were always influenced by Heero. Always Heero. Could Heero really be okay with that? Could __I__ be okay with that?

Well, Heero certainly hadn't __seemed__ concerned about it. He'd gotten defensive over the stupid things. And no matter how much of a warm fuzzy that was, it was still weird. It wasn't like I'd gone to formal schooling for longer than a freaking year. What did I know about language? I was lucky I knew basic grammar.

Still. I threw the towel I used to dry the dishes in the hamper to be washed and stretched. Really, I shouldn't worry about it. It would be rejected, it would be forgotten, and I wouldn't have to deal with Quatre looking at me all pity-party because it wouldn't be my damn fault. Out of my hands.

I really hoped the poems were rejected.

I heard Heero coming down the steps and frowned. Why were his steps so out of character? A little softer, a bit slower. What was he doing __now__?

I went to meet Heero on the landing, deciding it would be better to get whatever torture was coming out of the way. Heero's hand was behind his back, and he was grinning again. Like a loon. I cocked my head and raised an eyebrow. "Dare I ask?"

Heero shook his head. "I wouldn't answer, anyway." He nodded to the living room. "Couch."

I sighed and took a seat as told. The man looked like a little kid again, and it made my heart race. So stupid to get mushy over that face just because it was the Perfect Soldier's. Just because I'd ever wondered if the man __could__ ever look so happy. So seeing it made everything in me melt. It was cheesy, and if he knew it, I'd be toast. "All right, what is it?"

Heero came and sat down beside me, still making sure I couldn't see what he was hiding in his hands. "I want you to know, first of all, that I love you."

Um, and where was this going? "I love you, too," I said, but the admission may have been lost behind the suspicion lacing my words. I narrowed my eyes.

"And second, that I won't accept 'no' for an answer."

And again, my mind dropped to the gutter. "Exactly where are you going with this?"

That grin, if possible, widened even more, and then he pulled his hands around. Something skinny and rectangular was wrapped in tissue paper, plain silver and slightly shiny. My eyes widened. "Did... did I forget something? I thought... I didn't think we were together a full year just yet–"

Heero stopped my stammering with a chuckle. "No. This is something I've been looking for for you. That's all."

I reached out for it, my hand shaking slightly. He'd searched for something for me? I looked at that gift like it was an alien. A potentially rabid alien. How many gifts had I received in my life? None on the streets, none but a home from the church – as if a church would have anyone on L2 give a shit to donate – and none while I was a Gundam pilot. I'd received peace, but that was through my own work. I received friends, but that was luck. I received love, but you couldn't touch that so much as see it.

I was receiving a very tangible gift.

I blinked back the waterworks and touched the thing. It was hard to the touch. Not a book or anything, then. It looked almost like a Ray case – a movie recording device, one that matched almost any computer system made. Heero let go then, and it was mine. In my hands and everything. I didn't know what to do with it. I just stared like a fool.

"Duo?"

I looked up at Heero with eyes wide and mouth agape. He searched my face before smiling gently. "Open it."

I looked back down. Open it? Ruin the wrapping? It was simply done; Heero had probably never wrapped a gift before. I wondered if he'd ever gotten a gift, or even seen a gift, before. "Heero, I'm sorry."

Heero was silent for a beat. "I told you I won't accept no–"

"That's not it. I don't... have a gift for you."

I looked up, but he was smiling. "You gave me one. Remember?" Heero leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "You gave me your poems. And your body." I blushed again at that one, and the bastard had the audacity to chuckle. "And your love."

I grunted at that one. "But you can't touch that one."

"No," he agreed. "But it touches you."

I blinked at his chest. "That... that's true." So I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. "That's a thank you, then," I said, and gave him a little grin. My eyes were dry again. "Just in case I hate it."

He snorted. "Just open the damn thing."

That was better. I still felt strange when Heero pulled out those little nuggets of his. It didn't mesh with his former 'omae-o-korosu' persona. Like, at all. It still took me by surprise.

So I found the places Heero had taped the thing and gently pried it off. Heero snorted out a laugh. I glared at him before I looked back down and unwrapped it.

I gasped.

There in my hands was an old Blu-Ray copy of __Lady and the Tramp__. I felt my voice leave me. Felt my hands start to shake. It was the movie I remembered, the movie from my days in the Maxwell church. The one children's movie I'd ever watched. Ever known. "I... how...?"

"You mentioned it when we first met again, on-board your ship." I ran my fingers over the glossy surface. "You said you'd never been able to find it, and you looked like you longed for it." Heero chuckled, and it made me look up. His eyes were warm, like the ocean, like the sky turning night, as he looked at me. "It took me forever to find it, but I did. It just happened to be on the colony we docked at while dealing with Troit, and I went and grabbed it while we were there. I've been waiting for the right moment since." Heero leaned forward, until our foreheads were touching. "This seemed like it."

I tried to speak again, but my voice was clogged. I struggled against it. Boys didn't cry. "I..." My fingers wrapped around the little movie, and I clutched it to my chest. "I love it," I whispered.

"I'm glad."

We just sat there for a while, me struggling to keep myself together, Heero just sitting with me, supporting me. Finally I gave up and slid one of my arms around his neck, the other still holding my gift. "I love it," I said again, even though it'd been forever since I'd said it before. "I love  _ _you__."

Heero wrapped his arms around me, and I don't know who started it, but we were kissing, and something in Heero's touch made my control break and the tears were there before I could rein them in again. One even slipped down my cheek. Heero pulled back and watched me. "I love you, too."

"You're making me cry, asshole," I told him, and buried my face in his chest.

He laughed. "I'm sorry?"

"Good," I said, but it sounded muffled and petulant and I decided it might be best to shut up.

And that was what we looked like for quite a few minutes.

And that was how we would look for the rest of our lives.


End file.
